This event occurred several years ago but I still think of it from time to time and wonder if I handled it correctly.
My daughter (Miss E) was 7 years old at the time and had been invited to a classmate’s birthday party. I was recovering from surgery and unable to drive so I organized a taxi booking to pick up E and drop her at the party and collect her 2 hours later. This is not such an unusual occurrence where we lived and taxi drivers in our town were known to be very friendly and trustworthy members of the community charged with ferrying children to and from school regularly. It was only a 5 minute drive between our homes. I called the host to RSVP and mentioned the taxi arrangement only to explain why E would be presenting herself alone. The host insisted on picking up E herself despite my protests that I didn’t wish to inconvenience her while she was preparing for the party and that it was in no way any problem for me to do this. I just wanted to ensure E got to the party as she was really looking forward to it. The host mum remained insistent and said that it would make better sense to pick up E as she planned to pick up some catering just before the party and would be driving past our home anyway. I agreed and cancelled the taxi.
So, the birthday girl’s mother did not arrive to collect E who was dressed head to toe in the theme color (purple) and pacing across our porch with wrapped gift a good hour before the expected collection time. This time came and went, I tried calling the host but it went to voice mail. At the party start time I called the taxi company again only to be told that without a pre booking it would be at least a 45 minute wait. At this stage my daughter was quite forlorn, not angry, just sad and I just felt so heart broken for her.
I called a friend who dropped in that evening with her favorite take away and a movie and we had a nice night, I hoped our treat helped her feel better. On the following Monday E went off to school, with the gift, and gave it to the birthday girl who according to E explained that her mother simply forgot to pick her up.
This seemed to satisfy E but I have wondered if I should or could have done more. At the time I had considered inviting the girl out with E and I for a picnic or some other activity thinking it might show the girl that there were no hard feelings on our part but to be honest I was a bit miffed that the other parent never even contacted me let alone suggest such a solution herself. In hindsight I also realize that I should never have relied on a busy party host to do me a favor, despite her insistence, and I should have retained my booking.
Miss E is now a confident 17 yo, and has attended dozens of lovely parties since, but I now have a 2yo son and soon I’ll be back in the realm of play dates and kids party etiquette. I’d love to hear some opinions on this. 0212-16
Tag: Birthday
The Birthday Party Raffle
This story is still talked about in my family to this day.
We had a surprise birthday party for my grandfather when he turned 70 – one of the relatives has a pool and he graciously hired a caterer, a band, and purchased all kinds of party games for everyone to play. It was fun and memorable.
Nobody was expected to get gifts, but most of us wanted to get Grandpa SOMETHING – a bottle of his favorite scotch, a card made by some of the younger kids, etc. I think I gave him a watercolor painting I did – I was a poor college student at the time. Nothing fancy, but small gifts, or no gift at all. Nothing was opened at the event, so nobody knew who did and didn’t get anything. The relative who hosted has quite a bit of money and is very generous with it, but most of us don’t have overflowing coffers. Still, we manage.
My Uncle ‘John’ never bothered to get a gift. Instead, he decided that a fitting gift for his father’s 70th birthday would be to tell everyone that he was running a 50/50 raffle, complete with homemade ‘tickets’… and that he’d give the winner the first 50, and make the second 50 my grandfather’s birthday present.
I would understand if John was impoverished – but he actually owns his own business and does pretty well for himself!
We all thought it was pretty gauche, especially since he told my grandfather about it, and apologized because people didn’t buy in to the raffle, so he had no gift to give.
It was cringe worthy. But this is par for the course with John – he refused to pay for his son’s funeral, recently, and crowdfunded it instead. 1123-15
The Self Righteous Will Get Tossed Into Etiquette Hell
So recently my brother and his wife (who I will call SIL) called my partner and asked if starting next year we perhaps just exchange cards for our children’s birthday or phone calls (as they live interstate) with the exception of important birthdays, she suggested 1, 5, 13, 18 and 21. Their reasoning was that with my sister having another baby it is just getting too expensive to be spending $40 per child’s birthday, which is the previously agreed upon amount.
Now I think this is all my SIL’s influence, they have ONE child compared to my three and I think she’s being exceptionally greedy and selfish, she doesn’t want to spend $120 on my kids because she only gets a $40 present in return. Earlier this year after I sent her child’s birthday present (which totaled $20 including postage) I heard she was talking about it to my mother and she said that her son had more fun “playing with the box”, which was her telling us that what I sent her wasn’t good enough. She’s been trying to stop us from this for years always crying that they have a “strict budget” and that it’s getting so expensive, she even suggested that we take the money we would spend on her child and buy our kids extra presents, which is ridiculous! Anyone knows that $40 between three kids isn’t going to go very far, and their $120 would get their child so much more.
In addition to this, my kids don’t care about cards. They generally tear them trying to get the money that’s inside them. Last year she gave my son $40 in a pop up card she had made and then proceeded to sulk when my son tore the card trying to see if it contained more money. He’s only 9. These days she doesn’t even send a card, she just gets something shipped to our house from online and calls relentlessly to find out if they received it, even though she usually has a tracking number so she would know if they receive it. She even had the gall to call and ask why the kids don’t call to say thank you when they get their gifts!! Trying to tell me how to parent my children!!
I wish my brother would just divorce this materialistic woman, it’s her choice to only have one child, so I don’t see why my children have to suffer because she doesn’t want to spend more money on my kids than I spend on hers! It’s ridiculous!
Any advice on how to deal with this horrid woman? 0817-15
It’s tempting to believe this was written and submitted as a troll post. The only person obsessed with dollar amounts is the OP whose greedy, ill mannered kids destroy cards in their frenzied attempt to get the money inside and don’t have any clue to thank the giver. Meanwhile Mom is all huffy and put out that someone called her on her bad parenting and calculates to the penny how unfair it is that her greedy kids don’t get their fair share.
????????’s Birthday List
A LOT of people submitted this “baby’s birthday demand letter” for inclusion on the blog which has gone viral worldwide.
The Not So Unexpected Ingratitude
So last year my friend invited me to her 30th birthday party to be held the weekend before she turned 30. I wouldn’t say we are close friends so I rather agonized over what to get her as a gift. I settled on a nice silver picture frame.
When I went to the party I handed her the wrapped gift and card – the card was not attached to the gift in anyway. She opened the card, said thank you and gave me a hug. She then said she wasn’t opening any of her presents until her actual birthday. I did rather wonder at the time how on earth she was going to know which gift was from which person since she had opened all the cards that came with the gifts, and they didn’t say to and from on them.
Well, it is now February of the following year. I have no idea if she did open the present on her birthday, if she liked or disliked it or anything because I never heard another word about it. No thank you or anything. Am I wrong to think the verbal thank you she gave me when she opened the card isn’t sufficient? Especially since she hadn’t even opened the present yet and therefore had no idea what I had gotten her? 0219-15
I am of the opinion that people who host their own birthday parties are giving everyone a significant clue as to the status of their understanding of good etiquette. Why is it surprising that someone does not express gratitude for a gift when they had already crossed the etiquette line by acting as host of a celebratory party in which they are also the guest of honor? Particularly a party for a life event that definitely has gift giving as a major component?
Hosting your own birthday party is a hot button topic on this blog despite the fact that the etiquette regarding it has been clear and unanimous for a very long time. One does not engage in hospitality that is specifically planned to honor your own self as the guest of honor. But modern Western culture is predominated by a belief that the individual is owed recognition, accolades, respect, honor and gifts for reaching certain life milestones and if friends and family won’t do it, then they feel justified in taking matters into their own hands to make sure they are sufficiently and deservedly honored. Humility is a dying character trait.
So the stage was already set for your friend to not acknowledge the gifts she received by virtue of the fact that she planned her own birthday party. Entitled people feel no obligation to express gratitude for things they feel are owed to them. Should you be offended by this lack of courtesy by your friend? No. The warning signs were there from the beginning and you, possibly inadvertently, enabled it by bringing a gift. Move on.