Bullies – Etiquette Hell

Giving Children The Tools To Prosper Against Life’s Meanies

October 4, 2016admin37 Comments

I have been reading eHell and the message boards for over a year now. They have provided me with hours of entertainment as well as extremely helpful advice. I thought the following would amuse eHell Dame and the rest of the eHellions.

BG: Last year, DD ran afoul of the class Mean Girl (MG) shortly after the winter break. DD is an outgoing, likeable child, athletic in interest and abilities, and has a wide range of interests as well as friends. For whatever reason, MG decided to make DD’s school life as miserable as possible. MG was a stealth bomber, meaning she would hurl her insults always out of the ear shot of adults but always in front of an audience, adding even more so to DD’s discomfort. MG also ignored personal boundaries, and was very touchy feely with DD (nothing that would get the authorities involved, but more along the lines of being annoying). Working with DD’s teacher, the guidance counselor and the vice principal (they were all fabulous) they were able to put a stop to MG’s behavior.

While the school was doing their thing, DH and I sat DD down to give her a little lesson on how to deal with people like MG. This was known as “eHell Elementary Edition, the Foundation of a Polite Spine.” We stressed the following salient points:

1. Being polite does not mean you become a doormat. Yes, we want others to treat us as we would like to be treated but sometimes you need/have to stand up for yourself. DH and I will always stand by you when you do.

2. A blank stare or better yet, a fearsome scowl is a fabulous weapon when dealing with bullies and drama llamas. My grandmother was a full blooded English woman whose facial expressions could convey a multitude of emotions without a single word passing her lips. Lovely woman, but that scowl….DD is about half way there, I really see it when she’s up to bat. J

3. “Why would you say that?” is an excellent way to turn an insulting/intrusive/impolite comment back on the person. MG had made some snarky remark to her and DD countered with “WWYST”. MG was flustered and upset because now, in front of an audience, she was put on the spot.

4. “No” is a complete sentence. DD found this extremely helpful when MG trampled her personal boundaries. If MG was coming in too close, DD would hold up her hands, away from her body and simply give her a firm “No”; lather, rinse, and repeat as needed.

5. Drama llama/extinction burst. MG was a drama llama as well as a bully. We warned DD that once MG figured out that DD was having none of her shenanigans, MG would change her plan of attack and turn it into a pity party (we’ve both seen it before). We were right. MG changed tactics and bombarded DD with requests for playdates, sleepovers, what have you. Every offer was met with a polite “No, thank you” and MG complained that she only wanted to be DD’s friend and DD was the mean one (um, no).

Fortunately by the time Valentine’s Day rolled around, MG was no longer an issue. DD kept her at an arm’s distance, polite but cool for the rest of the school year.

Fast forward to the start of this school year, and seeing that DD and her class will be moving on to middle school next year, they have started switching classes for reading, math, science and social studies. Anyone care to guess who was sitting next to DD in her math class? DD said MG waited about a day before she was up to her old shenanigans. Not as so much with the insults, but the trampling of personal boundaries. MG kept poking DD in the ribs, trying to tickle her, play footsies with her, talk to her while the teacher was speaking. DD approached her math teacher at the end of the first week, told her exactly what had happened last year, the issues that she has with MG and very politely requested that she change seats (we got an email from math teacher). DH and I are very proud of her handling this issue by herself although I offered to call on her behalf, only to be told that “you can be kind of scary” (Grandmother’s scowl, father’s voice of impending doom, deadly combination when used correctly).

PS: MG has changed seat partners three times since school started; apparently no one wants to sit next to her. 1004-16

AWESOME! Way to go, Mom and Dad! Etiquette once again becomes a powerful tool to take command of a situation.

What Your Doctor Opines Behind Your Back (Or Your Butt In This Case)

June 29, 2015admin91 Comments

http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/anesthesiologist-trashes-sedated-patient-jury-orders-her-to-pay-500000/2015/06/23/cae05c00-18f3-11e5-ab92-c75ae6ab94b5_story.html

I’m curious for others’ opinions on this story. I find it heartbreaking that these doctors seem to be forgetting this man is human and their patient rather than someone to be the butt of their jokes. I would consider telling them that they need new professions if their current ones have left them such misanthropes.

Was the jury right to award monetary damages? Up for debate. However, I do think there should be disciplinary consequences for their unprofessionalism and lack of tact. Words hurt, and words have impact.

Doctors should inspire trust. People should feel they can be completely honest with their doctors, embarrassing discussions and all. And to know that their doctor wants to help them find solutions, not make fun of them behind their backs like schoolyard bullies. But that’s just my opinion. Thank you. 0625-15

I’m sure doctors have their own opinions about certain patients of theirs and I have no doubt that there may be discussion about those patients in private counsel amongst themselves. They are entitled to have those opinions. However, the stupidity of this situation is believing the patient is completely asleep when discussing those opinions and it is criminally unethical to report a wrong diagnosis.

Don’t Feed The Online Bullies

August 4, 2014admin124 Comments

I am an asexual aromantic woman, which basically adds up to “I don’t date.”

But when a polite “No thank you.” to a guy asking me out doesn’t work, I get rather pointed questions, “Oh, you have a boyfriend?” “No, I am just not interested, can you please drop it?” This tends to lead to homophobic ranting and/or accusations of being a stuck up bitch.

If I make the mistake of thinking the individual will listen to me and explain I am not sexually attracted to either gender and do not date anyone, the response, depending on if this is online or in person, will escalate to rape jokes or outright threats. In person doesn’t happen anymore, because I no longer socialize due to phobias this sort of thing made significantly worse.

But online, the amount of times I have received this response is beyond counting. I have left entire websites to avoid it. I do not join dating sites, I do not advertise my single status. As far as I can tell I do nothing to encourage the idea I am looking for a relationship. But somehow, some person I have never spoken to gets it into their head that “you just haven’t met me yet” is what I need to hear. No. Thank you.

Short of lying, what am I supposed to do? If they don’t listen to the first “no thank you”they get a, “No, leave me alone”, and then a block, but that only stops the individual. Do I just have to cut all the sites where those messages come from? Or is there something in my attitude I could change to prevent the first message from even being sent? 1007-13

Have you tried joining the Ehell forum? I’ve made it pretty clear that I and the moderators have no interest in knowing the sexual preferences or exploits of the members so that subject isn’t even on the radar. Plus the members are far more civil and polite than most online communities.

I’ve been online for 20 years or more, been a participant in many online forums and one thing I do know is this. The only way people know anything about you is what you yourself offer for public consumption. If you are being harassed and bullied online for your personal preferences, it seems to me that somehow you are putting this information about yourself out into the public domain. If you have to repeatedly leave web sites due to people harassing you, my question is what exactly are you telling them about yourself that gives them that amount of information? If someone you’ve never spoken to solicits you, why are you even responding to that? Hit the delete key and ignore. You don’t owe people any explanations.

Years ago a woman from an online community sought my help against several bullies who were harassing her. I think she expected me to get in the middle of the fray and kick some bully butt. Instead I advised her to stop splatting her personal information and family dirty laundry to complete strangers who were then exploiting it. An effective way to stop online bullying is to stop feeding them information they can use to stalk, twist and manipulate. I have been aghast over the years at what people will reveal about themselves online to total strangers who have basically done nothing to deserve that level of trust and confidentiality. Don’t feed the trolls, don’t feed the bullies.

Oh, J…….Put Down The Knife Comment (Or how to do verbal jujitsu on bullies)

June 27, 2013June 27, 2013admin47 Comments

My birthday happened recently and a wonderful friend, C, offered to host a dinner party as her gift to me. The guest list included a married couple (the W’s), myself and my date, and C’s older male friend, J, who she invited as her “date”. (There is no romantic involvement between the two.) I’ve had interactions with J in the past that have made me wary of him, but I thought that since C was kind enough to throw the party, I wouldn’t quibble over the guest list.

C is a terrific hostess and she really went all out for this dinner party. The table looked like something out of a magazine and she had obviously put considerable effort into the food. I was enjoying myself very much, until I opened a birthday gift from the W’s. I love to cook and they love to be invited over for dinner, so they gave me a very nice paring knife and a knife sharpener. As I was admiring the gifts, J said “Too bad she’s a cutter!” and I felt as though all the air had been sucked out of the room.

For many years, I had issues with depression and self harm. I’m doing much better these days but I am still very self-conscious about the scars on my arm. I don’t know if J has noticed my scars before or if he just thought that he was making a “funny” joke but it made me feel awful.

[I didn’t think I should include this because it is such a specific detail, but it felt especially rude given that J is a retired psychiatrist and it seems like he should know better than to make comments of that nature.]

I did my best to keep my composure and not react to the comment, although the W’s noticed that I did not seem enthusiastic about their thoughtful gift. (A few days later, I told them how much I appreciated it and explained why my reaction was so subdued.) I tried to force myself back into good spirits and make the best of it but I just didn’t feel very social after that. I wouldn’t have been able to get a word in edgewise anyways – J thoroughly dominated the conversation for the rest of the evening.

Thankfully, a few days later I had a dinner date with a separate group of friends that gave me some happy birthday memories, but I still hate that a rude person put a damper on what should have been a wonderful gift of an evening. 0625-13

I’ve said it before many times and I’ll be saying many more times in the future–life is populated with people who serve their own egos at the expense of others. Just because J was once a psychiatrist does not mean he has an altruistic desire to help people. I would go so far as to say some people have an unhealthy intention to keep others slightly off balance (it’s a power thing) by saying these kinds of indiscreet, inappropriate comments. They live for the reaction. J, being a retired psychiatrist, wielded his power of expertise by unethically diagnosing you at the dining table in front of other guests and that was his way of keeping you in the subordinate position of patient, victim or survivor for the remainder of the evening.

So, how to respond to this? By becoming aware that people such as J exist and that they have a character flaw which compels them to try to keep everyone else tipped back off balance as a power play, you begin to develop this understanding of what these people are seeking and how to thwart them. You then begin to develop a backbone that says, “I will never allow anyone to achieve satisfaction from my reactions….ever.” You refuse to become a person whose emotions are manipulated to satisfy someone’s need for power or control. If a shocked/sad/horrified reaction was the intention by astonishing remarks, you deprive them of that pleasure with an unexpected reaction. It’s the verbal equivalent of the push back to get the conversation back in balance or even push J off balance.

One reaction is gracious humor. One option for your situation would have been to turn to the gift givers after J’s stupid comment and say with sincerity, sweetness and small smile on your face, “Thank you so much for the lovely set of knives. They will be a welcome addition to my kitchen and I may even practice on J occasionally.”

Ignoring J as if he did not exist and the comment never said is another optional reaction…..you thank the gift givers for the knives, and take control of the conversation by segueing into a discussion of how a good set of knives makes cooking so much easier and how the last time you made roast chicken you had wished you had a good knife to cut it properly (and now you do!), and isn’t cutting up a whole chicken somewhat of a mystery and oh, btw, have you tried that dijon mustard/maple syrup chicken recipe making the rounds on Pinterest? It’s delish! You be the person who rescues the conversation from the awkwardness created by J.

Or you can firmly and CALMLY confront J regarding the inappropriateness of his comment. “Good heavens, J, what on earth are you talking about? Mr. and Mrs. W, thank you so much for the knives. You have given good tools to increase my culinary skills in the kitchen.” I’m not in favor of this last possible option because J,being a pompous man, will feel challenged to defend his comments and that may be a reaction he wants to get so that he can flex his verbal muscles more. Unless you have a backbone of steel and a firm grasp of how to take command of a conversation, this would not be a first option to consider.

Btw, OP, if C really was the spectacular hostess, she would have recognized the awkwardness J’s comment injected into the gathering and taken steps to minimize it or dispel the awkwardness as a kindness to all her guests. A great host/ess takes command of the atmosphere of their event and does not allow other guests to negatively impact that atmosphere of convivial pleasantness.