Tag: Death

I have just returned from an uncle’s funeral, and I am seething. My husband and I rode to the funeral with my parents, which took place an hour away from the town where we all live. On the way, we managed to hit multiple traffic snafus. We left early to have plenty of time, but still hit more snarls than could have been expected. Still, we managed to get to the church by 9:55 for the 10:00 funeral. By the time we parked across the street, got out of the car, and walked into the church, it was barely 10:00, but the casket was already being carried in, and we were forced to enter through the side door and sit in the back and side of the church. All of my mother’s multiple other siblings were seated in the front pews.

What makes me so angry is that, out of my mother’s nine surviving siblings, all their spouses, and the widow, not one person thought to say, “Sandra (my mother) isn’t here yet, shouldn’t we wait a few minutes?” We were hardly late, not late at all really, and we all have cell phones. Wouldn’t it be courteous for someone to at least call and see if we would be long? My mother did more for my uncle during his long illness than anybody else; even more than his wife. She and her siblings are all pretty close; it’s not as though she is a black sheep in the family. Yet, she was forced to sit off in the corner at her own brother’s funeral, and wasn’t even able to walk down with the casket afterwards or join the receiving line properly. Am I right to be angry? Or should they have started without her? 0903-14

Do you have a right to be angry?   No, you don’t because the offense is against your mother, not you and etiquette doesn’t give grace to those who take up the offenses of others.   I would want to know if your mother was offended and even if she was, it was her offense to own, not yours.   You will live a much happier life if you do not take up the offenses of other people.

As for the start of the funeral, the funeral directors from the funeral home are in complete control of coordinating and directing the funeral and if there is another funeral scheduled later that day, I can very well see them starting your uncle’s funeral on time.  Because a funeral is not something most of us coordinate or direct on a routine basis, it appears to me that people do as they are directed to do without questioning it.  My observation about this is rather fresh since just two weeks ago I sat in a church foyer and watched this entire scenario prior to a friend’s funeral.   Your mother might not have been noticed missing until the line up of the family just before the pallbearers brought the casket in and by then, it’s too late to stop the proceedings.

As for why family  members did not call to see where your family was,  that’s a lot of people who could have easily assumed someone else in the large group was tasked with doing that.  Grief narrows one’s focus like blinkers on a cart horse’s bridle and you see only what is directly in front of you.   I’d cut your relatives a lot of slack unless you are intent on creating intentional family divisiveness when none was apparent before.

You appear to believe that kindness to the dying should be recognized and rewarded with appropriate standing at the funeral as the more “legitimate” mourner and I am telling you that your perspective is skewed.    The service your mother gave her brother while he was dying is the important contribution to the relationship, not whether she is properly recognized as a primary mourner during the funeral.   Anyone who has read my blog knows I believe it to be an honor and privilege to be with the dying as they make that eternal transition.   Getting angsty about which pew ones sits at during the funeral just pales in comparison.   Let the others jostle to be first in the family pews while one sits in quiet appreciation and satisfaction of the truth.   Because God knows and your uncle knows and that is all that matters.

My family owns a large piece of land that runs several miles alongside one of the most dangerous roads in our area – it has lots of curves and no center divider during many stretches.  The speed limit has been lowered and other safety measures have been taken, but unfortunately there are usually one or two fatal car accidents per year.  There are several handmade memorials that have been placed alongside the road where the accidents happened.  Right now there is one put up for a man who worked night shifts and apparently fell asleep on his way home, crashing his car.  A little further along is one for two teens who were racing another car and the car they were in flipped, killing them both.  All in all there are about a half-dozen “active” memorials with people regularly leaving flowers, etc. and then two or three memorials that have been there for years, seemingly untouched.

The items left behind range from small crosses, to large painted wooden letters spelling out the deceased’s name zip-tied to a fence pole.  At Christmas last year, someone stuck about 100 plastic tree ornaments through the chain link fence and inserted plastic cups in the grid spelling out “Merry XMas (name of deceased).”   This was a huge installation- about 25 feet in total and I thought could be quite distracting to other drivers on what is already obviously a very dangerous piece of road.  At the site where the teens crashed, their friends put up balloons in their school’s colors when they would’ve graduated and a poster with handwritten messages and photos of the deceased and friends.

The land is rural and mostly let out for grazing to third-parties and we do not live on it or even visit more than once a week.  We obviously do not own the public road, but we do own the fence where the memorials are usually put up and signs are placed every hundred or so yards informing people that they are on private property.

My question is- is it okay to take down the memorials? Especially things like balloons, stuffed animals, posters and the like which quickly deteriorate in the elements. After a couple of weeks in the rain, paper is torn and ink smudged and it frankly looks like trash.  As I said, we don’t live on the land, so I’ve never seen anyone in the act of leaving something, and I don’t think I’d want to confront anyone even if I did. I truly am sympathetic that they lost someone and they want to express that.

My family is split on the issue, with some saying we should remove the items as soon as we see them, like we would with most things that had been left behind on our property. Some think that the memorials are better suited to grave sites or the homes of the bereaved.  Others think we should be more sensitive and just let the more study memorials stay and maybe remove older ones as they get more shabby.

I’d be interested in what E-Hell members would do in our situation. Add signs that say something to the effect of “post no bills?” Ignore it?    0828-14

The resolution of this problem lies in the principles of property ownership and the choices a property owner makes in regards to their own land.    For example, cemeteries have restrictions on what can be placed around grave sites and when.   Our local cemetery prohibits loose objects and other items around the grave during grass mowing season but in the winter, the cemetery becomes decorated with garden flags, little statues, solar lights, etc placed around numerous graves.

Public places do not leave memorials intact and up for unlimited periods of time either.  Bouquets of flowers, candles, toys, notes are left in public, common areas when a tragedy strikes and I do believe the people who do this must know that these items cannot remain there indefinitely.    Items placed at the base of the Vietnam Memorial in Washington, D.C. are removed daily and I am sure that the many flowers left at Buckingham Palace after Princess Diana’s death were removed before they deteriorated.

A man died after being ejected from his flipping truck just a hundred feet past my driveway several years ago and someone placed a cross made of PVC pipe on the telephone pole near his death site.  It’s still there because it is small enough to be discreet and it is out of the way.   But another death memorial a few miles away consisted of a huge mound of stuffed animals and as time went by, it became disgusting and someone eventually had to clean it up and I’m certain that someone was not the person who originally created that memorial.    Along one highway near us, people have placed memorial crosses or wreaths on the fences at crash sites which remain in place for years.   The main point of this paragraph is to enlighten people who are inclined to do memorials to consider what you leave behind so that you do not create more work for someone else or create an eventual eyesore.

OP, placing more signage on the fence won’t have the deterrent effect you want.    I think you are fine with throwing away items that are disposable and are deteriorating or in danger of deteriorating.   It’s trash at that point.   I’d more inclined to leave discreet items like small crosses, wreaths, plaques, vinyl banners that have been tied to the fence for a period of time of your choosing.   By leaving the more discreet and durable memorials in place, perhaps you may subtly influence others to leave similar memorials in the future.  Obviously you cannot control the road right of way the government owns and maintains but what you choose to do with your own land is your right as property owner and you shouldn’t feel guilty for any decisions you do make.

I run the risk of dooming myself to the depths of Etiquette Hell with this story but I am honestly curious about how to gracefully handle grief and how to offer support to those going through it.

I had a friend, Christina, who sadly lost her father to cancer when she was 19. She was devastated. I and several mutual friends attended the wake to support Christina and help her mother. Christina was sad, a little angry, but mostly just grieving. Later that year, I started my freshman year of college, attending the same university as Christina who was now in her second year.

About two weeks after classes started Christina and I were sitting and chatting about our day. Christina was complaining about one of her professors and the heavy work load, typical college stuff. I replied in kind, saying that one of my professors was being unrealistic in the amount of reading he was assigning each night, complaining in a good-natured way that the life of the average college student was tough. Christina got a strange look on her face, almost like she was suddenly angry with me and said, “Your life isn’t that bad, your father is still around, isn’t he?”

I was completely thrown. I floundered a bit, agreed that I was lucky my father was still alive and tried to steer the conversation towards more light-hearted topics. I wrote the incident off and made a mental note not to complain like that again since I didn’t want to upset Christina or bring up her grief.

However, about a week later, Christina’s  roommate, Laura, also suffered a personal loss. Laura’s grandmother passed away suddenly, and I was present in their dorm while she was getting ready to leave and head home for the funeral. I offered my condolences to Laura (I did not know her at all, she wasn’t a friend or even really an acquaintance, but it was obvious she was very upset) who accepted them graciously. Laura went about her business packing while Christina and I occupied the couch and coffee table in the common area for homework.

After about twenty minutes or so, Laura answered a phone call from someone in her family and spent a little time talking about what sounded like arrangements for the reception after the grave side service. She got a little choked up while talking, but finished the conversation and ended her call. She went into the bathroom to collect her toiletries, but ended up closing the door so she could have a moment to collect herself in private. At this point I am feeling really uncomfortable, because Laura is clearly very upset but here Christina and I are studying and essentially ignoring her. I mention to Christina that maybe we should go study outside, or downstairs to the mess hall and give Laura some privacy. She replies with,  “I don’t even know why she’s so upset. It’s not like her dad died or anything.”

Again, I was completely thrown.

It gets worse though, Christina says something of that effect to Laura. Stating that she (Christina) knows “…way more about grief and loosing people” because she recently lost her father. Laura gets extremely upset with Christina, who in turn gets defensive and very emotional. Things devolved pretty quickly after that, ending in shouting and tears.

Incidents of a similar nature continued to occur. Christina would get angry with me and others if we complained a little too much or mentioned being sad or unhappy about things in our lives. It got to the point where it felt like she was comparing her misery to mine and constantly invalidating my unhappiness because it wasn’t as much as hers.

Eventually, everything came to a head a few weeks after Laura’s loss. I confided something in Christina, asking her not to share what I said with anyone. She broke her promise. When I found out and called her, highly upset that she had betrayed my trust like that, she again brought up the loss of her father, and declared that I didn’t know how good I had it. I was so angry with her that I shouted back, “What does your grief have to do with this? Nothing!”    I hung up on her, too angry to keep speaking.

Our friendship continued to deteriorate rapidly over the next couple of days through a series of phone calls. She would not apologize for breaking her promise, and I would not give in to what I felt were attempts to use her grief to guilt me into letting my anger go. In the end, I lost her entirely as a friend. We have not spoken in years.

Grief is such a difficult thing for me. I feel so awkward when trying to be supportive, or sometimes feel cliche when I’m trying to be sincere. Was I wrong in how I behaved towards Christina? Should I have been more patient, more understanding of what she was going through? Is there such a thing as being inappropriate with your grief? If there is, where do you draw the line? And if a friend or family member crosses that line, how do you respond without coming off as insensitive or unthinking?   0422-14

Having lost my father, father-in-love, and 2 dogs in a 2 year span, I can attest that grief is an unusual and difficult process to work through.   It affects a person in ways you hadn’t really thought were possible.   Your world shrinks, your thoughts are scrambled, and a mental weight hangs on you.

However, I am also old enough to know that there are people in this world who will exploit any hardship in order to assume the identity of a victim.   Being in mourning does not excuse people from saying purposely hurtful comments.   Christina has discovered that the death of her father makes a handy excuse to justify her bitter words and that it works because most people stumble in confusion when confronted with this kind of victimhood.  They internally ask themselves the same questions you have and freeze wondering how to tiptoe through this person’s grief.

Grief should make us doubly aware of the pain other’s are experiencing and to be able to reach out in shared compassion.   Christina’s dismissal of the intensity of Laura’s grief was unkind and cruel.

One of the steps through the grieving process is anger.    I don’t entirely agree that anger about the death of a loved one, or anger at the deceased for dying, is necessary to work through grief but many experts do. It may be that Christina was stuck in the anger step and was unable to move forward in which case she needed grief counseling to help her.  What you could have done with Christina was to tell her,  “It appears to me that you are struggling with the death of your father.  Have you considered seeking grief counseling? “

I have a doozy of a Gimme story to share with you. People have wondered if it is true, but I and others will swear all of this IS true and has happened over the course of two and a half years. I strongly doubt anyone involved goes to this site to read the stories but I wish to remain anonymous.

Both my parents died young and from disease. Dad had been long distance friends with a woman called P for about thirteen years before Mom died. During the time Mom was sick P was very supportive and a person you would WANT around you. She called, sent letters, and offered a huge amount of support.

After Mom died Dad had casually mentioned how much money he received from her life insurance policy. About ten days after that P asks for some money saying she’s fallen on hard times. At first no one thought anything of it because everyone falls on hard times at one point or another in their lives.

P also tried to horn her way into a relationship with Dad VERY quickly and even visited here. Almost immediately she gets expensive items and has her hair professionally done…all done on Dad’s dime. People even confronted P asking why doesn’t SHE pay for her items or professional services? No one ever got an answer for that.

I’m deathly allergic to cigarette smoke. If I’m in an enclosed area around it then I get migraines, and in extreme cases, is hospitalized with breathing related problems. P smokes like a chimney. At first she was told she’d have to smoke outside, however, after A LOT of complaining Dad caved and let her smoke inside. After I was nearly hospitalized with breathing problems her smoking was confined to the guest bedroom.

P had a lot of problems with Dad donating money to the church or to help out friends. At least once a week she’d accuse him of cheating on her.

She’d ask for at least $100 each month which Dad handed over.

People asked him WHY he was doing this but he would answer that she needed help and if he didn’t do what she asked she’d commit suicide.

So this went on until my Dad became sick. A few family friends and I spent two months caring for him. Dad had asked that I post the news of his illness on his FaceBook page because his friends deserved and needed to know.

Because he was unable to care for himself we saw the lawyer and I was made legal caretaker and in charge of all the bills, paperwork, and everything else.

P wrote saying that she needed money and I wrote back that it wasn’t possible at this time, which it wasn’t. She made Dad’s illness all about her and saying how “mean” I was being because I wouldn’t give her the money. When people wouldn’t entertain that idea it stopped.

After Dad dies it’s quiet for about two days and then P comes back with a vengeance. She finds a way to get in constant contact with my family, God only knows HOW she got their numbers and addresses because it wasn’t from me. She started prying for information on Dad’s will and telling people that I’m mentally incompetent. She claims that she “cares” which is why she’s saying it.

When people won’t give her the answers she wants she claims that Dad promised her his life insurance money. After the bills were all paid Dad’s bank account was pretty much wiped out and people knew this. She says “Don’t tell [my name] but he promised me X amount of money.” She says first it was e-mail then a verbal promise and then back to e-mail.

P also says that she’s entitled to Mom’s and Dad’s belongings because Dad allegedly promised them to her.

My lawyer and I both demand proof of these claims and none comes.

P then goes to Dad’s best friend and whines about it and writes a very long e-mail about how I’m oppressing her, not giving her the money Dad allegedly promised, and that I’m not mentally and emotionally competent.

She was also giving out my phone number, e-mail, and physical address to people so all of a sudden I’m getting nasty texts, e-mails, and letters. It got so bad I had to get the police involved because I was being told to commit suicide and receiving death threats. I don’t know what was sent to them but I know what I received.

I don’t know what P said but half my family despises the very ground I walk on and my reputation here is mostly shot. Some very bad damage was done.

The last thing I heard was a few months ago P wrote my lawyer demanding that he force me to give her the money she’s “owed.” My lawyer has the patience of a saint and politely wrote back that he had reviewed the will and as she was NOT on it there was nothing that he could do. He also mentioned that if she did not stop harassing me he was going to file the paperwork to press charges against her.

So far that’s gotten her to back down. I PRAY that it keeps her away from me and that she leaves us all alone.

Oh, I believe you.  I have my own similar story of death bed greed that people would not believe unless they knew me personally and which is substantially documented in a 4-inch pile of legal documents filed with the Superior Court. My “P’ believed he was a victim entitled to far more than the Will stipulated and he engaged in illegal actions to get what he believed he was owed.

My suggestion is to conduct yourself and the probate matters with a high degree of ethics and justice, even depriving yourself if necessary.   Not one hint of self-serving allowed since looking out for yourself first instead of matters of the estate gives ammo to one’s detractors.    You will rest easier knowing the truth that you did the best job you could and if people still want to believe the worst of you, at least you will know they are sadly wrong.