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Tag: Death

Death…That Fabulous Crucible That Reveals The Characters of Evil Exes

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My mother (Ann) married my step father (Lee) nearly 21 years ago. They dated for 3 years before that. My brother and I were 4 & 5 yrs old when he came into our lives and we always thought of him as a father to us and we got along very well. We grew up on our family farm together that my parents shared for 19 yrs.

Lee had previously been married to a woman and they had three children together. Their marriage lasted 30 years though they had been separated for many years before the divorce was finalized. His Ex and two daughters made no secret that they blamed my mom for the ending of their marriage and his children were in their 20s and late teens when my parents married. Lee and his Ex didn’t speak after their divorce and it would not be described as amicable. His son who sadly passed a number of years ago, was the only one of the 3 children that developed any kind of relationship with us. Lee’s two daughters (Patty & Jane) were seldom seen or heard from in the 25 years they were together. For example, it was 10 years after they married when I met Jane for the first time. We knew Patty better but she only visited a few times a year. I would describe Patty as passive aggressive towards us and Jane was outright hostile when we did see her. Most visits or phone calls between us corresponded with weddings/funerals/births/holidays and almost never “just to say Hi”. My Mom attempted to make a relationship with them and eventually with Lee’s grandchildren but it never really worked out. I would admit, we did see them a bit more after the grandchildren were born but not by much and usually just as free babysitting while they went on holiday.

A month ago, Lee passed away very suddenly right in front of my Mom. He was 73. This story is about his wake. He didn’t want a service or announcement of any kind but since it was so sudden, my Mom wanted to give his children a chance to say goodbye and a small obituary to tell the community as he was well liked. The plan was to arrange a small family only viewing and he would be cremated. At a later time, we would spread his ashes. Jane insisted on going to the funeral home with my Mom to make arrangements even though she was told it would not be necessary as the arrangements were very simple. She made the 6 hour round trip anyway. This was less than 24 hours after his passing.

As we were leaving, she bullied my Mom into retelling the specifics details of his death in the parking lot of the home. Picture my sobbing mother re-enacting a seizure in -20 degrees in front of a funeral home 20 hours later. As I cut in to take my Mom to the car saying, “This was inappropriate and can be done at another time”, she starting screaming that, “He was my father and she MUST tell me exactly what happened,” and, “Who do you think you are”.   She then informed us her mother (the Ex) would be attending because after all “they were married 30 years and she was the mother of his actual children”. This was so very hurtful to my Mom but we just left.

The next day, we learned that Jane had contacted the funeral home to make changes to the obituary. Among the various changes she tried to make, she wanted to add her mother and move my brother and I to the end of the obituary. At the service, the Ex did arrive and they all barely acknowledged us. Essentially, two services happen at once. My Mom, who wanted to show she was ok with the Ex coming, went up to her at the end but before she could speak, the Ex snapped at my Mom, “What do you want?”  Shocked by her tone, my Mom burst into tears and blurted out, “He always said you were a good mother, thank you for coming”. Before my Mom could even finish, the Ex told my Mom that she, “…knew this already and certainly don’t need you to tell me”.

My Mom thought it was ok that the Ex attended to support her children but the Ex stood at the head of the casket most of the service, the spot usually reserved for the widow. She kissed him and rearrange the items in the casket included pushing the love letter he gave to my Mom out of sight. She behaved like she was the widow even though her spouse of 20 years was there. Jane and her family ignored my mother and us completely. As Patty arrived, she rushed up to my Mom to hug her. My grandmother was sitting with my Mom and holding her hand when Patty arrived. Patty pushed my Grandmother away from my Mom saying, “She doesn’t need you right now, go sit down”. My grandmother had severe dementia and would pass away herself only two weeks later. Other than this, Patty would not speak with us for the rest of the wake.

The next day, the Ex wrote a long and awful review of the wake on Facebook. It included several references to my Mom as “that B***h he married” and details about the spreading of the ashes which we knew nothing about. Jane and Patty both “Like” these comments. These comments devastated my Mom. Their behavior over the last few weeks did everything to reinforce that they were first family and we were second. Never have we felt so dismissed and unimportant. We blocked them on FB and their phone # in an effort to give my Mom some time to grieve her husband and very shortly afterwards, her mother.

Through family friends and Lee’s sister, we have learned they have already made the plans for spreading his ashes and that his Ex intends on attending. An urn has been purchased and a date set. The location is over a day’s drive away and they have attempted to get the ashes from the funeral home. They have been calling my Mom daily despite her request to them to give her some time and peace before making any further plans. They even called the day of my grandmother’s funeral, a detail they were well aware of. My brother and I have spoken with both of them to ask they give her some time and when she is ready, she will call them but they appear to be going ahead with their plans. We are at a loss of what we should do. My Mom doesn’t want to attend the plans they have made as the Ex made it clear she will attend and it is so far away that our family will not be able to be there to support her. She does accept that Lee would likely want to buried where he was born but is not ready to separate herself from him so soon and wants to keep him with her for a bit longer.

So my questions are, is it appropriate for an Ex to go to a wake and not at least ask the widow if that would be ok first? Is it ok for us to ask her not to attend the spreading of the ashes? Does my Mom have the right as the widow to make final decisions or do the daughters have as much of a say in it as they seem to believe? Is it ok to split up ashes, send some to them and keep some? Do we have to tell them if we do that? Is there a time frame in which Mom needs to decide what to do with the ashes, can she not keep them or must they be buried within a few months? Does she even have to share the ashes with his children, could she not just keep them for herself?

This has been a tough month for us and all this family drama has only made it worse. I implore people to remember that death is not an opportunity to unload all the things that were unsaid. If you didn’t say it during someone’s life, their death isn’t your time to unburden your soul. Grief is different for everyone, try to understand that. Use the ceremonies of death to celebrate life, not as your chance to prove you are the most affected or to make amends for things you did or didn’t do during their life. Family is more important than the money or trinkets left behind. Don’t lose your family over material possessions or to prove you are more right. 0221-14

First,  my condolences on the  deaths of your step father and grandmother.   Two loses in such a very short span of time is a double dose of grief.

The Ex, Patty and Jane can make all the plans in the world regarding the dispersal of Lee’s ashes but unless the funeral home releases those ashes to them, those plans are vacuous.  The funeral home should only release the possession of the cremains to the legally recognized survivor which is your mother and I would confirm with them that they are under directions to not release Lee’s ashes to anyone but your mother.  And as the surviving widow with, I assume, full authority to manage her late husband’s affairs, your mother has final authority on how her husband’s last wishes are to be carried out.  If she wishes to wait to disperse the ashes, she is free to do so.

As for the rude and presumptuous behavior of the Ex at the wake as well as her ugly comments on Facebook, one has to trust that close friends, relatives, neighbors who knew Lee and know your mother are not going to think poorly of your mother just because the Ex spews garbage.   People can and do recognize trash when they see it and trust me, the Ex and her hag daughters are not scoring points with anyone.

The Ex, Patty and Jane are petty people who will squabble over the possession of a dead body, as if the last hands to touch “Lee” is the winner.  But your mother was the one who had the honor (and I do consider it an honor) to be with Lee as he died and it was your mom’s hand that held Lee’s as he passed into eternity.   I know your mom is so racked with grief that she cannot appreciate that right now but she will eventually.   Her presence at his death was both a gift to Lee and to herself….so special.   The Ex and daughters cannot take that from her.

Don’t wrestle with the pigs.   Lee is not there in those ashes anymore and in the grand scheme of life, it seems a poor waste of time to argue over the contents of a small box that will quickly “melt” into the ground, never to be seen again.   The spreading of ashes is largely symbolic and it is not uncommon for the cremains to be divided with dispersal in several locations.  Either make an authoritative decision as to how and when and where Lee’s cremains will be buried/spread at your mother’s convenience or give Patty and Jane a small portion of the ashes, perhaps 1/4, to do with as they wish.   I’d choose the latter myself so as to separate myself and family from the drama queens.

 

Bizarre Funeral Request

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When I was a little girl, my aunt (#5 out of six siblings – 4 girls, 2 boys) died, just before Christmas. This was my first experience with death, and I was only six years old, and much confused about a lot of things, including the varying moods of people crying for a lost loved one, in between jolly Christmas carols. I noticed that my father was not only devastated to lose his sister, but was also very angry with my grandparents. It was not until many years later that I would understand the whole story.

My grandparents were weird, to say the least. One of their weirdnesses was that they insisted on keeping one of my aunts (Let’s call her J) home, apparently to take care of them, although they were still fairly spry, themselves. She was about 21, and had an irrepressible desire to go on singles’ cruises. J went on them as often as possible, to get away, and possibly find a husband. I just thought she liked the water. Meanwhile, her younger sister (K) was desperately trying to get married to anyone, just to get out of the house. I thought she was just very romantically inclined and liked to date a lot. How little I knew! It seems that every one of my father’s siblings escaped home as soon as possible, by various means.

Well, when my aunt J was killed, my grandparents approached my father and asked him to let them have my SISTER! Yes, they asked my father to hand over his daughter to them, and even intended to change my sister’s name to the name of my dead aunt and adopt her as their own daughter. That would make my sister T into my aunt J the second, and my father’s daughter into his sister, and eyurrrrrgh!

I don’t need to watch TV to get a soap opera. I just need to ask my parents about family history. But I must admit that with all the stories I have about my family, including the stealing from each other at a funeral, storing explosives in the garage, and bringing a pregnant mistress into the house to “help” the pregnant wife, I do believe this story is the weirdest.

My father’s response to my grandparents’ request was not very polite, but I am forever grateful that he had a spine! And now I see why he was so eager to take that long post overseas so soon afterwards. Having an ocean between him and his parents was a good thing at the time.

At the same time, I am so proud of my father, because he kept this from us children, and taught us to love our grandparents, despite their foibles, even as we learned to stand up for ourselves. He did not share the truly weird stories until we were old enough to deal with them. Now, we just look back and laugh. 0522-13

Dancing On Margaret Thatcher’s Grave

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I’m a big fan of this site from the UK. Anyone who has seen the news in the last couple of days will know that one of Britain’s most in/famous Prime Ministers, Margaret Thatcher, passed away at the start of this week. Thatcher’s death has been hugely polarising here, in some cases to uncomfortable levels.

Now, before I start, I’d just like to say that I wasn’t actually alive when Thatcher was in government – I was born a year after she left the position of Prime Minister. For the most part I was coolly neutral to the woman – as a feminist I didn’t appreciate her calling the movement “poison” but that was probably my biggest issue.

Here is my question, both in this case and for future, more personal use: what is the best way to strike a balance between not speaking ill of the dead and acknowledging that a person has made mistakes and may have not always been a particularly pleasant person?

In regards to Thatcher at least, bean dipping is nearly impossible! At the moment, everyone wants to discuss the matter. 0410-13

I wrote about the modern phenomenon of people “dancing on the deadman’s grave” six years ago in this post when Jerry Falwell’s death sparked a plethora of uncivilized behavior.    My thoughts then and now are unchanged in that I believe celebrating death with joy and vitriol is undignified and uncivilized.

The reaction to British former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher’s death appears to be quite visceral and vile and is causing a deep division in the country.

Thousands of protestors congregated in Trafalgar Square last week to celebrate her death.   Janie Jones, a mother of four, has been the leader behind a recent promotion of the song “Ding Dong! The Witch Is Dead”, the song from the Wizard of Oz, to a meteoric rise up the music chart to #2.   Many people plan to mark the funeral at parties around the UK on Wednesday morning during the funeral.

Other protesters plan to demonstrate along the route of Lady Thatcher’s funeral procession by turning their backs to the casket.  Shami Chakrabarti, the director of Liberty, said, “Some will question the taste of funeral protests, whilst others will see them as inevitable at such a public political event. Either way, the authorities have no role in policing manners, and it would be tasteless indeed if the memorial of any democratic leader prompted arrests of peaceful protesters and the strangling of dissent.”

I found Ms. Chakrabarti’s use of the word “tasteless” to describe a scene where police deprive protesters of the right to dissent peacefully during a funeral procession rather unusual and misplaced in priority and usage.   She appears to completely miss the fundamental precept that it would be tasteless to exploit a recent death to score political points.   Here in the US we have peaceful protestors at celebrity and political funerals.   They are called the Westboro Baptist Church.

WBC has a legally protected right to peaceful dissent and protest along funeral processions but that does not negate the reality that they are vile people engaged in puerile, tasteless and crass exploitation of death to get across a political agenda.    They were in attendance at Ronald Reagan’s funeral procession toting signs that stated that Reagan was now rotting in hell.

An overwhelming majority of Americans are repulsed by WBC’s behavior at funerals of the media and political elite as well as common soldiers who died in the line of duty.   The question I pose is, “Is it what is being communicated by WBC that is repulsive or is it the complete package of disrespecting the dead and exacerbating the grief of loved ones that is wrong for you?   If it is solely the former, then there is nothing to limit anyone of any political stripe to exercise their right to protest at any funeral of any person and that is a bad slippery slope to get on as it degrades the culture overall.  If it is the latter, we can apply a basic, principled shame and social shunning to behavior that disrespects the dead regardless of political party or social activism.  If one would dance on the grave of one’s political opponent yet be deeply offended if the same were done to one’s own deceased political leader, you don’t “get it” and all you are doing is engaging in political one-up-manship and political machinations exploiting death.   Addendum 05/13/2013:   I did not publish two comments from regular commenters of this blog who both declared an intention to dance on Fred Phelps’ grave once he is dead and protest at his funeral with signs stating he was now in hell thus becoming that which they claimed to despise.   If the action is not universally reprehensible then what we are left with is merely a disagreement on politics.

What makes the dancing on Thatcher’s grave site distinctly more tasteless and disrespectful is that Thatcher left political office 21 years ago, ceased public speaking 11 years ago and has suffered from dementia for at least the last 8 years.  There is a time and a place to exercise political dissent, most notably when the person is alive in order to have the opportunity to rebut the charges.   Margaret Thatcher has not been in a position to influence current social and political policies in over a decade and one would think those in opposition to her political legacy would have had the chance to reverse “Thatcherism” in the last 20 years had they the political machinery and votes to do it.   Socialist Owen Jones correctly identified the true motivation of his political compatriots, “Celebrating the prospect of her death has become an admittedly macabre substitute for the failure to defeat Thatcherism. The Iron Lady will die knowing her legacy is stronger than ever.”

I have recently read  in UK online papers that Thatcher has been compared to Hitler, Stalin and Bin Laden, a hyperbole of comparison which I think diminishes the atrocities committed by the three men instead of elevating Thatcher to the realms of the most evil.  But even if she were of their caliber, I still would not condone death celebrations.   After Osama Bin Laden’s death in 2011, I wrote how I chose to react to the news.   He is our generation’s Hitler, an evil man who rejoiced at the thought, plans and actions of killing others and one could be justified in celebrating his death.

The decision to mete out earthly retribution should be entered into with soberness, solemnity and calm befitting a choice to see justice served.  Otherwise the taking of life becomes trivialized and we are no more civilized than the beasts who wantonly kill the innocent they view as worthlessly expendable.  Nor do we want to rejoice at death lest we show ourselves to be no better than the savages who hung the burnt bodies of US contractors from street lights and danced in joy.  No, I think we are much better than that.

I won’t weep for him but I will soberly reflect in thankfulness that he can no longer lead others into evil and be grateful for the peace and safety and freedoms we enjoy.

“Respect for the dead” does not mean one is compelled to engage in active mourning, attend a funeral or express insincere sorrow.   But I do believe it means we should act with dignity to honor the dead who can no longer defend themselves from critical scrutiny and respect the grief of the living who do mourn their passing.

P.S.  This is an interesting editorial by someone who was not a fan of Margaret Thatcher, who lived during her political career yet counsels restraint n the occasion of her death.   A good, balanced read, imo.

Addendum 05/13/2013:   I received a large number of negative comments about Margaret Thatcher which I did not approve for publication to this blog post.   I felt then and still do now that the commenters did not get the point of allowing others to grieve without political distractions and that political disagreements are best dealt with when the person is alive so as to engage in that debate.   I also felt by approving them I would be allowing a significant number of people to express an opinion that may not be reflective of the political reality.  So, I finally choose to approve those messages but add the following obituary as balance.  From National Review (May 6, 2013):

Margaret Thatcher was the greatest peacetime British prime minister of the 20th century, and perhaps of all time; and her achievements in foreign policy were second only to those of Winston Churchill.

In domestic policy, she reversed the decline of the previous 30 years and revived both the British economy and the British spirit.  She brought inflation under control and established sound money; brought the unions under law, so dispelling the idea that Britain had become “ungovernable”; defeated the miners’ strike, so entrenching her reforms; revived the enterprise culture that Britain had pioneered a century earlier but lost; and started what became a worldwide revolution of privatization.  Ten years after the strike-ridden “winter of discontent”,Britain’s economy had become the fourth-largest in the world.

In foreign policy, she was instrumental to the free world’s victory in the Cold War – a victory achieved “without firing a shot,” as she put it.  She was steadfast and vocal in her support of the NATO policy of installing cruise and Pershing missiles in Western Europe.  The success of that policy, against the vehement objections of both the “peace movement” and most parties of the European Left, marked the point at which the U.S.S.R. lost the Cold War.  She improved on that success by identifying Mikhail Gorbachev as “a man we could do business with” and warmly recommending him to Ronald Reagan as such. Her early endorsement of the Soviet leader was one reason the Cold War ended peacefully, almost on friendly terms.

Mrs. Thatcher-we prefer to call her by the name she was known by in the days of her glory-made enemies who remain bitter to this day, as some comments on her death from the British Left miserably illustrate.  Her shade must be content with the praise that is rising from the formerly Communist nations in which she remains a heroic and loved figure–and from the United States, which was second only to Britain in her affection.

To sum up such a remarkable life is not easy.  We cannot improve upon the attempt by Lord Saatchi, head of the think tank she founded and the shaper of her victorious election message in 1979:  “Everyone wants to be immortal.  Few are.  Mrs. Thatcher is. Why?  Because her values are timeless, eternal.  Tap anyone on the shoulder anywhere in the world, and ask what Mrs. Thatcher ‘believed in’ and they will tell you.  They can give a clear answer to what she ‘stood for’.  She developed all the winning arguments of our time–free markets, low tax, a small state, independence, individuality, self-determination.”

Namesake Heirloom

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I was named after my grandmother (my middle name is her first name), who was named after her grandmother, who was named after her grandmother. We share a lovely, if uncommon, name. When I was a child, my grandmother showed me a lovely pendant inscribed with our shared name. She told me stories about the other women who shared our name, and I always looked forward to the day that it would be mine. Four years ago, on the eve of my wedding, my grandmother gave me the pendant. I wore it under my dress as my ‘something old’.

Sadly, my grandmother passed away two months ago. One of my cousins is pregnant and has just found out that she is expecting a daughter. She has announced that she is naming the child after our grandmother. The issue began when she approached my grandfather and asked for the pendant, claiming that it was her child’s birthright. Grandpa mentioned it to my mother, who helped go through grandma’s things after she passed. My mother was initially too surprised to respond. It came up a few days later when my mother and father were visiting with my cousin’s parents – my mother informed my aunt that the pendant had been given to me years ago. My aunt said something like, ‘Well, she will give it to the baby, it’s the right thing to do.’

My cousin then contacted me directly to ask for the pendant. I refused to give it to her, explaining its meaning to me. She accused me of conning our grandmother out of a priceless piece of jewelry. (The pendant is not particularly valuable – I had friend who works with a jeweler examine it, just for kicks; it’s worth a few hundred dollars at most.) My cousin then said that I had no right to the pendant; when I told her that I was named after our grandmother, she accused me of lying. After I texted her a picture of my driver’s license, she stopped responding. About an hour later, she posted a terrible diatribe against me on her Facebook page, claiming that I lied about my name to cheat her daughter. My mother called me later in tears; my aunt called her and screamed at my mother for raising such a selfish, cruel daughter who refused to return a stolen heirloom to its rightful owner.

I don’t see the point of responding to any more of my cousin’s insanity, but part of me has to shake my head at the absurdity. I cannot think of another way to prove what my middle name is, and I don’t think it would matter at this point. It has all gone too far. My mother tells me that my cousin is considering changing the baby’s name now, which makes me sad. I know that I don’t own the name, but I do own the pendant.   0226-13

When people yield themselves to unbridled greed, they become loony and there are no facts, no documentation, no substantive testimony that will convince them they are not owed what they selfishly want.  It’s like arguing with an insane person.

You have no obligation to give up a wedding gift from your grandmother to someone who hasn’t even given birth yet.   At the first request (um, demand) for the pendant, I would have responded, “The tradition is to pass the pendant to the next generation’s namesake at adulthood. I will do so when a child is of an age to appreciate it and when I am ready to do so. “

Good News After Bad News

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I have a situation coming up that I would like some guidance from the readers….

My oldest friend S, after years of health issues and being told she would never have a child unless she adopted, was delighted to discover that she was unexpectedly pregnant. Her and her husband were over the moon and all of us were happy that such a wonderful couple would finally become parents. Eight and a half months into the pregnancy, I got word from her at the hospital to say that tragically, she lost the baby. Over the next few week, the details of the loss came out, which I won’t go into here. Naturally S was devastated and very angry about this. When she and her husband finally broke the news on Facebook (as all the friends don’t live in the same town as S, it’s easier to use Facebook to reach out as a group), the outpouring of support they received was wonderful. It was a testament of just how well they are loved by all.

About less than a month after this, I got news of my own…my brother and his wife were expecting their first baby! I was really happy that I would become an auntie! However, as it was so soon after S losing her baby, I decide not to say anything to her about my brother’s news as I felt it would be rubbing salt in an open wound. Fortunately, my usually tell-everyone-everything-on-social-media brother and sister-in-law had already decided to play down the baby news on Facebook until after the baby was born.

Well, baby M was born a few months ago and he is a cutie! Now that baby M is here, my brother is posting pics on Facebook, my mom and sister are commenting on the pics, and me…has not said a word on Facebook. Why? S is on my friend’s list on Facebook and I still haven’t told her the news. I did pull my brother aside and explained the situation so he and his wife understand why I’m not commenting on Facebook about baby M, but with my sister now posting pics of her and baby M, (while sister and S are not friends on Facebook, they live in the same town so they could have friends of friends) it’s only a matter of time before S gets wind of the news.

Since losing her child, S is grieving, but moving onwards with her life. I know that she’ll never be over losing her child, but she’s moved along so that the anger has calmed, she’s finding peace with herself and she’s living her life. While it hasn’t been a full year since she lost her child, I think I need to break my news to her. I will be going home at Easter to see my family and S lives in my home town so when I go home, I always visit her. I will need to tell her in person. How do you suggest I have this conversation? 0227-13

There is a time to grieve with those who grieve and a time torejoice with those who rejoice.   I think you have done an admirable job of being kind to your friend to allow her time to work through her grief.  But life does go on and people around S will have babies and at some point it becomes S’s turn to rejoice with those who rejoice or to at least be happy for them.

I would caution against making the announcement to your friend in a face to face manner as you intend.  There seems to be an element of drama to doing it this way that is unnecessary and really focuses the news to her specific situation that, to my thinking, may actually accentuate her grief rather than mitigate it.   I think a conservative announcement on your Facebook wall to everyone, such as, “Meet my new nephew, Jeffery XXXXX. I am delighted to be his aunt.”   Then when you do see your friend, wait until she asks if you have any photos and share them with her.  You do not seem like an insensitive person who would ramble on and on and on about your precious nephew.  That is where people fail to be sensitive to others by making the topic of conversation all about themselves without any regard for how others may be affected.