Dinner party – Page 2 – Etiquette Hell

Eat And Run Double Booked Dinner Guests

February 5, 2015February 5, 2015admin151 Comments

My husband and I love to entertain. The following scenario has happened a few different times to us and I wondered what your thoughts were.. I will reference the specifics of our most recent dinner party..

We invited a couple that we are getting to know over for dinner. We confirmed that they liked steaks and my husband grilled up some beautiful ones. I put out our best china and had beautiful lighting all around the house. We were excited to have this couple over and make some new friends!

They arrived 30 minutes late (at 7:30) but I quickly forgave that. They were coming from quite a ways away and they had gotten lost.

I served appetizers while my husband went outside to grill. I chatted and caught up with the couple. By the time dinner was ready it was 8:00. We enjoyed a lovely meal and good conversation. They asked for a tour of our house about 8:45 as we were wrapping up dinner and I obliged. At 9:00 I was just about to ask them which flavor of cheesecake they preferred for dessert when the wife of the couple informed me that they had to get going because they were attending a birthday party and were already late to it.

I felt taken aback a bit and felt a little slighted. We had spent a great deal if time and money to entertain them for the evening and they had double booked us! I felt like we were just a pit stop for them to refuel and be on their way.

What they did seems rude to me. Am I being too sensitive or should this couple be cast into Etiquette Hell? 0205-15

I had a similar situation happen to me very recently. We had invited a couple to lunch after church so that we could get to know them better. The wife called me last week to explain that a friend’s son’s Eagle Scout ceremony had been rescheduled for 2 p.m. the same day of my lunch that was scheduled to commence at 1 p.m. They had already agreed to attend this ceremony before it had been cancelled for weather and rescheduled. The wife felt they would have had to quickly eat and run from our lunch in order to make the ceremony in time. We agreed that simply would not do and we agreed to postpone our lunch for another day in the near future.

So, the difference is that this couple clearly expressed an interest in having the time to also get to know us and called to discuss the conundrum they were in. I am fine with this and was willing to accommodate their sudden change in schedule, however, had the conversation been more along the lines of them having been invited to something they considered far more interesting to attend than our luncheon, my interest in inviting them to any other events I may host would have been diminished. You know the type I refer to…you invite them and either they waffle with an rsvp until the last minute in an apparent attempt to keep the calendar clear in case something better comes along or they rsvp in the affirmative and then cancel at the last minute or never show up because a better offer was made. I graciously accept their last minute declinations and then resolve to not invite them to any further events until I cycle through a long list of potential guests which could take at least a few years.

Oh, J…….Put Down The Knife Comment (Or how to do verbal jujitsu on bullies)

June 27, 2013June 27, 2013admin47 Comments

My birthday happened recently and a wonderful friend, C, offered to host a dinner party as her gift to me. The guest list included a married couple (the W’s), myself and my date, and C’s older male friend, J, who she invited as her “date”. (There is no romantic involvement between the two.) I’ve had interactions with J in the past that have made me wary of him, but I thought that since C was kind enough to throw the party, I wouldn’t quibble over the guest list.

C is a terrific hostess and she really went all out for this dinner party. The table looked like something out of a magazine and she had obviously put considerable effort into the food. I was enjoying myself very much, until I opened a birthday gift from the W’s. I love to cook and they love to be invited over for dinner, so they gave me a very nice paring knife and a knife sharpener. As I was admiring the gifts, J said “Too bad she’s a cutter!” and I felt as though all the air had been sucked out of the room.

For many years, I had issues with depression and self harm. I’m doing much better these days but I am still very self-conscious about the scars on my arm. I don’t know if J has noticed my scars before or if he just thought that he was making a “funny” joke but it made me feel awful.

[I didn’t think I should include this because it is such a specific detail, but it felt especially rude given that J is a retired psychiatrist and it seems like he should know better than to make comments of that nature.]

I did my best to keep my composure and not react to the comment, although the W’s noticed that I did not seem enthusiastic about their thoughtful gift. (A few days later, I told them how much I appreciated it and explained why my reaction was so subdued.) I tried to force myself back into good spirits and make the best of it but I just didn’t feel very social after that. I wouldn’t have been able to get a word in edgewise anyways – J thoroughly dominated the conversation for the rest of the evening.

Thankfully, a few days later I had a dinner date with a separate group of friends that gave me some happy birthday memories, but I still hate that a rude person put a damper on what should have been a wonderful gift of an evening. 0625-13

I’ve said it before many times and I’ll be saying many more times in the future–life is populated with people who serve their own egos at the expense of others. Just because J was once a psychiatrist does not mean he has an altruistic desire to help people. I would go so far as to say some people have an unhealthy intention to keep others slightly off balance (it’s a power thing) by saying these kinds of indiscreet, inappropriate comments. They live for the reaction. J, being a retired psychiatrist, wielded his power of expertise by unethically diagnosing you at the dining table in front of other guests and that was his way of keeping you in the subordinate position of patient, victim or survivor for the remainder of the evening.

So, how to respond to this? By becoming aware that people such as J exist and that they have a character flaw which compels them to try to keep everyone else tipped back off balance as a power play, you begin to develop this understanding of what these people are seeking and how to thwart them. You then begin to develop a backbone that says, “I will never allow anyone to achieve satisfaction from my reactions….ever.” You refuse to become a person whose emotions are manipulated to satisfy someone’s need for power or control. If a shocked/sad/horrified reaction was the intention by astonishing remarks, you deprive them of that pleasure with an unexpected reaction. It’s the verbal equivalent of the push back to get the conversation back in balance or even push J off balance.

One reaction is gracious humor. One option for your situation would have been to turn to the gift givers after J’s stupid comment and say with sincerity, sweetness and small smile on your face, “Thank you so much for the lovely set of knives. They will be a welcome addition to my kitchen and I may even practice on J occasionally.”

Ignoring J as if he did not exist and the comment never said is another optional reaction…..you thank the gift givers for the knives, and take control of the conversation by segueing into a discussion of how a good set of knives makes cooking so much easier and how the last time you made roast chicken you had wished you had a good knife to cut it properly (and now you do!), and isn’t cutting up a whole chicken somewhat of a mystery and oh, btw, have you tried that dijon mustard/maple syrup chicken recipe making the rounds on Pinterest? It’s delish! You be the person who rescues the conversation from the awkwardness created by J.

Or you can firmly and CALMLY confront J regarding the inappropriateness of his comment. “Good heavens, J, what on earth are you talking about? Mr. and Mrs. W, thank you so much for the knives. You have given good tools to increase my culinary skills in the kitchen.” I’m not in favor of this last possible option because J,being a pompous man, will feel challenged to defend his comments and that may be a reaction he wants to get so that he can flex his verbal muscles more. Unless you have a backbone of steel and a firm grasp of how to take command of a conversation, this would not be a first option to consider.

Btw, OP, if C really was the spectacular hostess, she would have recognized the awkwardness J’s comment injected into the gathering and taken steps to minimize it or dispel the awkwardness as a kindness to all her guests. A great host/ess takes command of the atmosphere of their event and does not allow other guests to negatively impact that atmosphere of convivial pleasantness.

The Mad Guest And The Tea Party

March 26, 2013March 22, 2013admin106 Comments

The backstory: Every year when the weather gets warm and my flowers start doing well I host a fancy tea party. I send out formal invitation with the RSVP information and a note that says this is a fancy dress party. Sunday best please! We serve fancy foods and home-brewed iced tea and pretend we’re high-society ladies who lunch for an afternoon instead of college students and young professionals.

But this year I’m a little apprehensive. I’ve gotten word via email that a specific girl (who we will call H) from last year’s party is attempting to invite herself. It should be noted that after her behavior last year I have severed ties with her and I do not intend to invite her this year.

In general I don’t consider this young lady to be a friend, but more of an aquaintance who I know via mutual friends. I invited her anyway as I wanted to be nice and I thought she would enjoy the event. In our group, she’s known for being a tad pretentious and a bit oblivious, but this takes the cake since we didn’t know just how downright mean she could actually be.

A week before the party, H RSVPd “no” because apparently she had another event she would be attending that day. That was fine. I planned on her not coming and cooked and baked accordingly.

The day of the party everyone was there and we were eating finger sandwiches and butter cookies and chatting. About an hour in, H shows up despite having told me she wasn’t coming. Okay, well, I did get a little excited while cooking and there’s more than enough food. Okay, not a problem. She’s in ripped jeans and a filthy t-shirt while her hair looks like she hasn’t brushed it since the night before. We’re all in dresses with nary a hair out of place (we get really into this). Still not a problem, if she wants to look out of place, that’s her choice since I know she owns several dresses that would have been more than appropriate.

It was that she started insulting my guests that made me kick her out. H walked up to one girl who has been trying to lose weight for awhile and says (quite loudly) “Oh no! It looks like that diet of yours isn’t working!” She says to another invitee who has been looking for work since graduating “Oh, you haven’t found a job yet? You must not be trying hard enough.” To another (who recently called off an engagement), “Well, you’re not married yet because you sleep with every boy you meet!” The poor girl went off crying. Note that all of this happened within ten minutes of H showing up.

I politely took H aside and asked her to leave. (I have no idea what else to do in this circumstance. If you have any suggestions I would be glad to hear them). She was livid. She started screaming about how I was an awful person and how I must be a terrible friend and then that I was some horrible social climber. I then escorted her to her car and told her it was time for her to go home.

The party broke up within 15 minutes of her leaving as H had largely destroyed the previously happy mood (telling someone they sleep around can do that). This year she is not going to be invited, and that is not going to be a subject for debate.

H has already sent me an email saying, “I can’t wait for your spring tea party this year! Here’s my address so you can get my invitation to me! I’m already planning on coming!” I tried ignoring her, but she’s now sent five more emails saying, “Hey, figured you didn’t get my last email. S says you’re still using it. I’m coming, right?” or something to that extent. You have to admire her persistence!

How do I tell her she’s not invited without looking like a terrible person? I want to come off as nice, but at the same time I don’t want her to think at all that she’s invited, nor do I want her knowing my new address. 0320-13

First you tell mutual friend “S” to please not give out your personal contact information. Second, you ignore the persistent emails. If you have broken all social ties to her, you are under no obligation to reply to any emails whatsoever. You do not need to tell her she is not invited. Your silence on this matter should scream volumes that she is not wanted at your soiree. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Just how would you look like a terrible person by refusing to invite someone who has insulted your guests, insulted you, behaved abominably, is a crass invitation grubber and whom you have no desire to have any acquaintance with…to the point you want your new address kept from her? Kindness is best executed in this case by ignoring her. Responding to her in any way reinforces her delusion that there is some remnant of a relationship left and that her prior behavior has no consequences.

Poverty Potluck

February 6, 2013February 4, 2013admin110 Comments

This is more a question concerning etiquette, and what I should do.

First, some background, I am a university student who lives on campus. I have no access to a stove/oven, microwave, etc. People who know me, know I have no possible way of cooking for myself, and that I get most of my meals from the dining hall services.

I have a poor job and earn only minimum wage. Almost all of the money from that job goes to paying my university fees or I save so I can visit my family during breaks (It’s roughly $120 both ways- which is also how much I make in two weeks.) I don’t exactly have spending money.

Now, I have been invited to three or four potlucks this year. The first one, I stated I could not attend, as I had no way to cook anything or the money to purchase food. My university society (almost all of which live off campus in their own homes), replied with a positive, “Show up anyway”. Still, I felt it was unfair to those who had brought food – so I ended up staying in my dorm room and eating at the meal hall. This short story doesn’t end there. My rather large, strong friend discovered me on my way out of the meal hall, yelled at me for not going to the potluck, and proceeded to pick me up and carry me across campus to the room it was being held in.

There was a second potluck around christmas time – this time I was with my parents and had access to a stove. I happily made my sweet-and-sour meatballs, and managed to get a ride in to the party with a friend. Once getting there however, I discovered I was the only one who actually read that part of the invitation (through a facebook group) other than the hosts. I felt a little miffed, as I didn’t eat before coming and had known a potluck was supposed to happen.

We ended up going out for pizza after my friends devoured the three avaliable dishes.

Now I’ve been invited to another potluck, this one is for the Super Bowl, and I would love to attend, but I’m back on campus with no way of cooking and with no money to spend. I don’t want to impose and ask my parents for money, and I certainly don’t want to make a boor of myself by showing up without food. Unless they (the hosts) express a want of me there even if I’m unable to bring food, I doubt I’ll go at all.

Am I making the right call about not going at all?

Perhaps you are over thinking what you believe is appropriate potluck food. My adult son attended a Super Bowl party where the guests were forbidden from bringing chips but encouraged to “get creative” about their potluck food choices. Of the 40 or so guests there, not one person brought drinks which forced the hosts into an emergency trip to the grocery store.

When I host a large potluck, I always reserve the less expensive items for those not particularly financially well endowed. Two and three-liter sodas go on sale for 99 cents in my neck of the woods and are a welcome addition to all informal potlucks. Tea bags and a 1 pound of sugar to make sweetened iced tea is also an option. Other inexpensive potluck items are deviled eggs, potato chips, most potato dishes, celery sticks with peanut butter, carrot sticks. Readers? Other suggestions?

Scraping The Bottom Of The Pot

January 10, 2013admin91 Comments

As I was reading some of the archived stories on your wonderful site, I recalled an event that happened fairly early in our marriage that still astounds me.

Shortly after my DH and I were first married a friend we had known for several years and his new wife moved in next door to us. The four of us spent quite a lot of time together. One afternoon we had all been hanging out together at the home of these friends, L and G, when I excused myself to go home and begin preparing dinner for myself and my DH. I was setting things up to begin cooking when DH came home and asked me if I minded having L and G over to have dinner with us. I was preparing spaghetti, so including two guests would only involve cooking additional noodles, so I was more than happy to include them. DH went next door and invited them to come over.

As soon as I finished cooking, I went to the living room to let everyone know that dinner was ready. As we were all very familiar with each other and this was a simple, casual occasion, DH and our guests came to the kitchen to prepare their own plates. I stepped aside to allow L and G to prepare their plates first and busied myself with finishing up the dishes I’d been washing as I went along. For some reason, L and G insisted that DH prepare his plate first and after a short protest he finally went ahead. L and G then prepared their plates and met DH in the dining area. I quickly finished up what I was doing, picked up a plate and walked over to the stove to find that there was NO food left! L and G had even gone to the effort of scraping every last bit of sauce onto their plates. I was stunned!

I should note that I was at this time pregnant and therefore also extremely emotional. I was so upset that I began to sob and not knowing what else to do, began pulling together the makings of a sandwich. DH came to check on me after several minutes, concerned that I had not joined them, and found me sobbing into my sandwich. When he realized what had happened he was furious! I asked him not to say anything as I was already so upset I couldn’t bear for there to be a scene. Just then our guests entered the kitchen to find out what was going on. When DH explained (trying his best to not raise his voice), L and G stated that they had just assumed that I had eaten while I was cooking. (To this day I still have no idea why they would have thought that.) They both then offered me their LEFTOVERS as they “couldn’t possibly finish it all”!

Not so surprising that it was a long time before we ever offered to share a meal with them again. 0109-13

If L & G had had any training in manners from their parents, they would have known that you never take the last bit of food unless you ascertain that everyone else has had at least a first serving and whether they wished to have seconds which you then divvy up according. In a buffet line, you never scrape the serving bowl unless you are the absolute last person in line.

Suffice it to say that L & G learned a lesson in how not to be inconsiderate, thoughtless food piggies that day.