Entertaining – Etiquette Hell

May We All Be This “Bad” At Hospitality

February 22, 2017admin45 Comments

I have lived in a very popular and trendy city since college. I originally came from a neighboring state and because of this I have many friends and relatives that live within easy driving distance.

Over the years I have had many relatives and friends visit and explore the city with me. Everyone visiting is always ecstatic to see the sights. It’s a lot of fun for me to see their joy and it helps remind me how lucky I am to live here.

Most of these visits start with a friend or relative saying, “How is it down there? I’ve always heard a lot about that place. Would love to see it sometime” or me saying “Feel free to come down and visit anytime! Would love to have you!”. In other words, it’s been pretty evenly initiated over the years.

As I’m now in my 30’s, own a home and am much more established, I have struggled with my role as a hostess. When I was in college or a young adult struggling, my friends that visited me were often in the same situation and we would see my city “on the cheap”.

Now that I am more established I wonder if I should be covering all meals consumed inside and outside during the visit.

An example:
This last summer I had 18 relatives come to visit for 4 days. (It was so fun!).

Understand that a HUGE part of the appeal of my city is the cuisine. We have food that you can’t get anywhere else and restaurants that are pretty well known so often the number one thing guests request to do is go out to eat.

Since I was the one that initiated and organized this trip I felt especially obligated to provide meals. If this isn’t already overwhelming enough, I am not a great cook and my skills are pretty limited.

The way I handled this was to provide a buffet breakfast (muffins, cheese biscuits, fruit) and a sandwich spread for lunch. This worked well because I was able to purchase in bulk and use the same food for 4 days. Also, it took a LONG TIME for 18 people to get ready so people could eat as they pleased and it was usually about lunch time that we were finally ready to leave to go sight seeing, with everyone fed and happy. It wasn’t the best food spread ever but I did the best I could.

Many in the group expressed interest in going to these well known restaurants and I obliged. I made a schedule for all 4 days of our activities and planned a dinner at the end at one of the requested restaurants.

It all worked out very well but I felt somewhat guilty about not covering meals when we would go out to eat. I provided the schedule in advance of the trip (in our facebook group) and that I would be providing breakfast and lunch and then gave a range of cost for the places we were going for dinner (most were $10-15 per plate).

In doing this was I a bad hostess? There was no way I could afford to buy dinner for 60 people (us x 3 dinners) but I still wonder if it was in bad taste.

(By the way, my family, being super classy, bought me a nice hostess gift and pitched in to cover the van I rented. They were super gracious of our hospitality, so I got no complaints or comments from them about this).

My question specifically is: in the future when I have guests visit should I be prepared to pay for all meals, eating in or out? 0210-17

I’m so overwhelmed with your level of hospitality that it took me days to get over the shock. A bad hostess? More like “Goddess of Hospitality”. Your guests should be genuflecting before you, saying prayers for your long life, and speaking your name in hushed reverence.

The answer to your question depends on whether your guests take the initiative to request a restaurant dining experience. If they are staying in your home and will be eating their meals in your home, then , yes, you do have an obligation to feed them at least 2 meals a day. But if they ask to go to a famous restaurant, thus eschewing your homegrown dining hospitality, the obligation then falls to the guests to pay for their own meals.

Dealing With The Obnoxious Uninvited Guest

September 29, 2016October 24, 2016admin41 Comments

My husband and I are throwing a huge party to celebrate the completion of our year-long DIY home renovation. We are excited to invite all of our friends and family. We are going all out and hiring a Dj, a caterer, servers, bartenders and a photographer. We are expecting approximately 100 guests.

Now for the dilemma:
I have a dear friend that is a work colleague. She is in an extremely toxic on-again/off-again relationship with a man. Of course I’ve only heard her side of the story but he has a major problem with alcohol (he has an ankle bracelet that detects if he drinks). He is out on parole after going to jail for multiple DUIs. In addition to his drinking problem he just isn’t a pleasant person in general to be around. My friend is very sweet and because of her compassionate heart and giving spirit he talks his way back into her life constantly. Everyone that knows him despises him not only for his behavior but for the pain he has caused my friend. I hope that she finds the strength to leave this relationship for good one day and live her life away from him.

Currently they are “off”, which doesn’t mean they don’t see or talk to each other. He constantly shows up at our workplace, work functions and social gatherings he isn’t invited to but finds out about through social media or friends. My friend justifies his behavior by saying that this shows he is “at least making an effort”. To me and everyone else it feels stalker-like and controlling. They frequently fight at events, regardless of their relationship status.

You probably see where this is going. I mailed out invites to our event a few weeks back. It’s a family friendly event so I made sure to include the names of her children on the invite. It wasn’t until after I sent the invite that I realized this man could show up uninvited and unannounced at our home, get drunk, cause a scene or (God forbid) drive away from our party intoxicated.

My friend is convincing. Over the course of three years they have broken up 3 dozen times and every time she convinces me she is done with him forever. A month later they will be back together and she will sheepishly say that he has changed or had some life altering experience that is going to fix everything.

This time around they have been broken up longer than usual. I didn’t think about him when I sent the invite because I am optimistic that she really is done with him.

Even though they don’t live in the same residence, are not in a relationship and his name wasn’t on the invite, the possibility of him showing up at our event is pretty high. This concerns me for a number of reasons – mostly the safety of him, my friend and our guests – but selfishly it concerns me because I don’t want him/them to ruin our party.

My question to you is this: Is there a polite way to approach her and ask her to be discreet about her whereabouts on the night of the event because he is not welcome in our home, regardless of their relationship status on the night in question?

I don’t want to be rude but I also really don’t want him in our home. Help. 0929-16

This isn’t really about uninviting an invited guest because you have not extended an invitation to Sluggo, your friend’s on-and-off again boyfriend. One way to address the situation is to speak to your friend about the upcoming party in the context of her invitation. Example: “My husband and I are looking forward to a lovely, happy party for our guests. Did you receive YOUR invitation? I hope YOU are coming. I look forward to seeing YOU there. Now that you are finished with Sluggo, there are some wonderful single guys coming who I would like to introduce you to. You did tell me you were done with Sluggo, right?”

By her reactions you should be able to discern if she’s back with Sluggo or even thinking about it. If she mentions the possibility of bringing Sluggo, that is the point at which you say, “I’m sorry, we did not extend an invitation to him to attend. This party is for close friends and family.”

I do not think you should tell her to curb her talk to or around him. If he shows up, escort him from the property as soon as he steps onto it. Put a few of your brawniest guy friends on alert that they may be needed as back up and have your husband approach him to say, “I’m sorry but this is an invitation only party and I do not see your name on the guest list. I’ll have to ask you to leave immediately. The cars are parked over here, may I escort you to your vehicle?” If Sluggo starts even a hint of drama, have your husband take out his cell phone and say, “You have a choice. You can either leave quietly or I will call the police.” My guess is that Sluggo will leave.

READ THE UPDATE TO THIS STORY HERE.

The Case of The Missing Brunch

September 12, 2016September 7, 2016admin108 Comments

Recently, an acquaintance and her family moved back to our area after living in a different part of the country for several years. We were not particularly close when we had attended graduate school together, but we were friendly, and once she and her family moved back, we invited them over for dinner. I prepared a home-cooked meal, including entrée, side dishes, appetizer, salad and dessert; our children played together nicely, and my acquaintance (let’s call her “Rachel”) and her husband brought a beautiful bottle of wine as a hostess gift. It was a lovely evening, and Rachel, her husband and children, my husband, our children and I, all had a good time. Over the next few months, we had had several play dates, mostly at our house or at a local park (her twins are the same age as my oldest, and her younger daughter is right between my younger children), and the kids played together very nicely, and we had a nice time catching up. None of these visits took place at Rachel’s house, as her family was in the process of house-hunting and was renting a small apartment, so they did not feel comfortable entertaining there, or that was at least, the reason Rachel had given for not inviting us over. Some months later, Rachel and her husband invited us over for brunch and to see their new house that they had just purchased in our area. We appreciated the invitation, and I asked if I could bring anything and offered to bring a side dish. Here is the exact conversation, “May I bring anything? I make a mean spinach quiche”. “Yes, that would be great, thank you”. “Is there anything else you would like for me to bring?” “No, we’ll take care of everything else, that’s fine”. Fast forward to the day of – I make the quiche, bundle the family in the car, and off we go.

We tour their (lovely) home, the kids are playing; Rachel makes coffee for the adults and pours juice, milk and water for the youngsters. About 40 minutes later, she asks if we are hungry. At this point, it’s after 12 pm, seems like an appropriate time for brunch, and I offer to help her set up and follow her to the kitchen. She asks me how to heat up the quiche; puts it in the oven and puts some chips and dip into a bowl and asks us to come to the table. Our brunch is chips and dip, and quiche. I only made one quiche, as I assumed that since we were being invited to brunch, she would take care of a main dish and some sides – even a platter of bagels and cream cheese would have been fine. There are, at this point, 4 adults and 6 children at the table, who, as I gathered, were expected to brunch on 1 9-inch quiche and a bowl of chips and dip with some beverages. She asks me to slice up the quiche since I brought it, so I cut it up in very small slivers and serve it, making sure that there’s enough for everyone. Thankfully, our kids, despite being fairly young, did not utter a peep about being hungry and ate what was in front of them. At one point, Rachel did get up and get a few yogurts from the refrigerator and gave them to the children. That was it as far as food was concerned. After she stood up to clear off the table, her husband actually asked, “Will you be staying much longer? I have some work to do”. (We were invited for 11 am, and it’s about 12:45 pm at that point, so it’s not like we had been there for 5 hours). I helped Rachel bring the dirty dishes to the kitchen, while my husband gathered up our children, and at that point, we thanked them for their hospitality and took our leave. Needless to say, as soon as we got home, we fed our hungry family a second lunch, as a small slice of quiche and a handful of chips was not enough for their midday meal.

My husband and I were quite befuddled by how rude Rachel and her husband had been – who has someone over for brunch and does not offer them more than a bowlful of chips and a handful of yogurt cartons? And who asks their guests less than 2 hours into a brunch-time visit, if they would be leaving soon? If they were not prepared to host that day, would it not have been more gracious to cancel? Even the day off would have been fine, as we certainly would not want to visit with someone who was not interested in visiting with us. Or, did they assume based on the conversation above that they would be providing the house, and we would be providing the brunch since I prepared them a lavish meal when they came to my house? Am I completely off my rocker? 0906-16

I think successful hospitality requires both practice and a willingness to serve others. This kind of hosting blunder is something I expect from a young person who has not had the opportunity to witness gracious hospitality in action. But even if there is a lack of knowledge, if there is an intentional heart attitude to serve one’s guests, efforts are made to be hospitable and sometimes that means you get served chips and dip and any other odd combinations of food. Rachel, at minimum, did serve you coffee, juice, milk and water with that bowl of chips. I suggest giving her another chance but also host her for breakfast and show her how it’s done by example. Nothing fancy…juice, coffee, danishes/pastries, fresh fruit, maybe a egg strata. If she doesn’t get the clue after that, it’s best to lower your expectations a bit inregards to Rachel’s hospitality.

Stepped Up Party Planning For Stepdaughter

March 7, 2016admin252 Comments

I’m not sure if I committed some sort of etiquette blunder myself in this scenario or how to proceed from here, so kindly point me in the right direction, if possible.

My husband and I are both on our second marriages and while we don’t have children together, we respectively each entered this union with our own from our first. We have been together for 6 years, married 1. My children are boys and adults, and are on their own and maintain themselves no assistance needed from me aside from the occasional unforeseen circumstance. My husband has 2, a son in college and a daughter in her last year of high school that up until 6 months ago moved freely between our home and her mother’s house on whim. She now lives with her mother full time. My stepdaughter was always stand-offish to me and always seemed jealous of having to share her father with another woman after being the only female in his life for about 8 years. She was never vocal about her feelings but being perceptive, I picked up on those undertones right away and went out of my way to try to be a friend to her. Despite my best efforts, she never did warm up and I chalked it up to being an angsty adolescent who might someday appreciate my efforts or not.

Here in my part of the US, it’s customary within our social circle to host a Sweet 16 party for the birthday girl transitioning into a young woman. A rite of passage. These parties normally can be very elaborate events that take months of meticulous planning and can financially get out of hand if a budget is not adhered to. When my (soon to be at the time) stepdaughter was 15, she started attending these events herself as a guest and after the Christmas holiday, began actively soliciting about having one of her own when she turned 16 in April. First she dropped hints, then hurled them but her parents were clearly not picking up on those hints so I mentioned this to my future husband and he asked me if I was willing to help him put one together for her as his ex wife would never give her a party. I agreed, partly because I have sons and completely missed the opportunity to host such an event, partly because I had a Sweet 16 myself and it remains one of my most cherished memories and partly for wanting his daughter to have the opportunity to experience it as well. I thought that she might come around and we could actually be friends.

My then fiance told her of our plans and the girl child was all for it. My then fiance also told me that since he had never personally thrown a party in his life and had no clue where to begin and I have hosted many large gatherings, he would just give me money so I can start booking a venue and DJ, and he would get a guest list from the girl child so we would know how many we could expect and how much food I would need to prepare. We figured roughly 50-60 people, half family, the rest her friends but were waiting on an exact number before buying invitations.

I have a few good friends who stepped up to offer their professional services at discounted rates as they knew I was planning this event that would include their areas of expertise… My friend belongs to a firehouse and offered their hall at member’s price, which was 1/6 the price of a commercial venue and there was a kitchen so food would not have to be catered out. My other friend is a DJ and offered his musical entertainment skills at 1/3 the price someone else would have, which left room in my budget for my other friend, the photographer to take photos of the guests at $1.00/ picture. Another friend does florals and I would have only had to buy the supplies.Sounded awesome but this is where things start getting bad…

My partner calls me one evening ( as we were not yet married and lived in different towns) to tell me that he mentioned the party to his ex wife and suddenly she wanted to be involved, so he told her that for their daughter, that she could. In one conversation that I was not privy to between my intended and his former, I suddenly got demoted from party planner/hostess to unpaid help. I was completely speechless for a few moments, composed myself and agreed to do it for the ‘best interests of the child’ even though my gut feeling was telling me that things like this just never end well. Taking one for this team that I was joining, I guess.

The very next day, I receive an email from his ex wife, thanking me for my nice gesture of ‘offering to help’ with the girl child’s Sweet 16 party. She let me know that although she really didn’t have much money to contribute, that she was full of ideas of how it should be done. Off the bat, she decided she should be the one to get her dress, shoes, hair and nails, of which I was frankly relieved because that part had not even occurred to me until she mentioned it. Have at it. She also let me know that the girl child would be designing her invitations online, again, at her expense, like the ex did when she married the one she has now. Again, completely ok as it wasn’t anything I was willing to throw my own money away on as store bought invitations were what I had in mind anyway. I let her know that we were working with a set budget and we were only going to spend what we had allotted so we had to make it count.. I mentioned that with careful planning, we could have some of the extras without compromising the basics.

A new day, another email from his ex. She’s gaining momentum. Today, she decides that we should plan for about 100 guests, half of them family. Hers and her new husband’s apparently, as ours were all accounted for. She did not offer to help pay for what amounted to doubling the party. I was told that her daughter from her previous relationship was going to help and that her new sister-in-law is going to make the cake. She went and bought plastic ware, plastic table covers and paper goods when I had linen and tableware included in the hall rental. She felt that we should have a table devoted to cupcakes sculpted in the form of a high heel shoe. I let her know if she wanted to spend hours arranging cupcakes when there would be many other more important details that needed attending to, then she should feel free it but I personally preferred the space saving organized aesthetics of cupcake tiers. She also wanted a chocolate fountain and again, if she was willing to supply the machine and what she planned to serve with it as keep up with it all evening, I was all for it but again, I would have other things to do like cooking and setting up the buffet. She advised there would be plenty of extra hands that day to help out.

I let my Sweet Thing know that I was very unhappy with this situation that he created and that as much as I adored him, I refused to do the work and foot the bill for your ex’s unrealized childhood dream. He apologized and asked me to please continue as it would mean a lot to him…

It was, by now, mid February, 2 months away and we still had no guest list with names and addresses. I let it be known that this list was necessary, not only for a head count but also to figure quantities and 20 guests either was can change a budget drastically. I booked the hall with a deposit and had the DJ’s contract in my possession when I received yet another email from my beloved’s ex wife. She let me know that her and the girl child were scouting out other venues so she would be able to make a ‘dramatic entrance with her girls’. She had one more to look at before they decided. Her daughter required round tables for this event, couldn’t we rent one just for her and her girls? I let her know that tables were included in the place that we HAD ALREADY PAID A DEPOSIT ON and we would not be renting more. She also mentioned that there was this really good DJ that played at her office holiday party a few years ago and she was going to contact him to see what he charged…

That was the straw that broke the camel’s back and I responded to her email as eloquently as I could:

After some thought, I decided that it would be best that I remove myself from this situation as you’re clearly struggling with the concept of allowing me to assist in making any sort of decisions or arrangements independently that would benefit this common goal.

I was willing to not only contribute my time, but my own resources and personal connections as well to ensure that this event would be both memorable as well as economically feasible, but because we’re not on the same page as far as expectations go, I am no longer open to this concept and it’s yours to plan and execute alone as you see fit. My offer to assist XXXX in whatever he needs from me still stands. I will assist him in whatever tasks he specifically asks of me but will not go beyond that. Please bear in mind that neither party planning or cooking for large groups are his forte’ and that he’s working with a limited budget now that he’s retired and on a fixed income, so that will all have to be taken into consideration, so plan accordingly! Because there is still no set date, I can no longer guarantee that the DJ will be available or if the discount would still apply. I’m sure that you have other choices in mind anyway.

Best of luck!

smile emoticon

I never heard back from her and the party never happened as the ex was never interested in hosting her own party, only hijacking ours and leaving her to bask in the glory as mother of the birthday girl without actually doing any of the actual work that goes on behind the scenes. The girl child hates me and blames me for the loss of 100 gifts ( I found this written on a folded piece of paper stuffed between the couch cushions a year later) and has not really said 2 words to me since.

Fast forward 2 years. We are now married, and the girl child no longer lives here as she was unable to repeatedly resist her temptations of pilfering or vandalizing my possessions and lying about it until I had to treat a few specific articles with unwashable theft detection powder which left her with purple hands and in permanent residence with her mother until she graduates in a few months.

Hubby is now hinting that WE should have a graduation party for the above mentioned girl child (who hates me) because we had hosted a very nice luau for his son when he had graduated high school 4 years earlier and it won’t be fair.

Out of the question, I told him. Her mother can have one for her if she wants one and now I’m the bad guy because I’m selfish for not wanting to get into another situation that I’m pretty sure nothing good will come of. Am I? 0306-16

You and your husband should host a graduation party if for no other reason than to not give ammunition to a young and angsty girl that will be used against you for decades to come or used to confirm her suspicions. Her Dad, your husband, clearly wants to do this and you should not be the obstacle in this situation. Go into it with clear communication that you and you alone are the planner and you will promptly resign if the ex-wife interjects herself into the planning or your husband usurps your responsibility. Your husband will be the more obvious host while you are the quiet, behind the scenes planner. Plan a simple, yet generous party and invite the family. I wouldn’t worry about inviting her friends because your party is for family. Whomever comes, comes. Her mother can host another celebration with her side of the family and friends. If daughter-in-law refuses to come to her own party, that reflects poorly on her, not you.

Also, consider that 16-year-old girls who resent their parents’ divorce and remarriages do, quite often, grow up and mature in their perspectives.

The Missed Party Invoice – Updated

January 20, 2015January 20, 2015admin213 Comments

Alex Nash, 5, was invited to a friend’s birthday party at a ski and snowboarding facility, according to the Plymouth Herald.

Alex’s parents responded to the invitation and indicated Alex would attend the party.

Alex’s parents later realized they already had other plans for that day and he did not attend the party. The boy’s father said he did not have contact information for the birthday boy’s mother to let her know Alex had changed his mind and would no longer be attending the party.

Several days later, Alex came home from school with an invoice from the birthday boy’s mother for a $24 “child’s party no show fee.”

So many questions left unanswered. For starters, how is it that the parents were able to rsvp to the invitation indicating Alex would be attending the party yet later claim to not have that same contact information to alert her of the changed plans? And unless the school administration gave Mr. Nash the hostess’ address (something that would have *never* happened in the US), how did he know where she lived to go knock on her door to confront her about the invoice? It seems to me that the means were there for the Nashes to get in touch with the birthday party hostess but were not utilized until it became necessary to take issue with the invoice. Bottom line, Mr. Nash, if you rsvp in the affirmative that you or a child of yours will be attending a party, etiquette requires that you honor that rsvp unless you are on your deathbed. Having replied that Alex would be in attendance at this ski and snowboarding party, you had an obligation to honor that rsvp to the best of your ability which, by the way, means you go the extra mile to inform the hostess ahead of time that you must rescind your rsvp.

However, Ms. Party Hostess, you are not off the hook either. It appears you planned a birthday party that was quite expensive per guest. Anyone who has extended any kind of hospitality knows, from experience, that guests cannot be relied upon to either honor their rsvps or even bother to rsvp at all. It’s one of the ubiquitous yet annoying aspects of entertaining these days. However, as much as guests can annoy their kind hosts and hostesses to the point of aggravation, sending guests formal invoices for failing to show up is a guaranteed, one way, no layovers trip to Etiquette Hell. What is next? Invoicing guests whose birthday gifts are not sufficiently expensive enough to offset the costs of the party?

The gracious host plans a party he/she can afford with no expectation that guests have any obligation to offset the cost of entertaining. Emergencies happen and guests who you were expecting to arrive have suddenly bailed due to some unforeseen problem. Sometimes evil guests bail simply because something better has come up. If you cannot afford to absorb the cost of an unused meal or entertainment, you have no business planning parties that are clearly out of your league.

The answer is not to invoice the guest but rather strike them from all future guest lists thus leaving them scratching their heads and pondering why they never get invited anywhere.

Update: Ms. Party Hostess has chimed in with her side of the story HERE. My conclusions remain the same except that I note that the Nashes missed an opportunity to teach Alex a lesson in honoring his word when they allowed him to choose an outing with his grandparents instead of having the integrity to stay committed to his rsvp to a birthday party.