Entertaining – Page 2 – Etiquette Hell

Culu de Kèrén

December 17, 2014December 10, 2014admin48 Comments

I’ve been reading these stories for the past few months, despite the fact that I rarely involve myself in social situations where etiquette-related issues may occur (though I guess that might indicate that I’m quite rude myself, but I digress), so I never really expected to be submitting anything here.

Several months ago, I moved to Beijing to work with a company that brings native English speakers to other countries to teach English. The company always brings in new teachers in “batches” of ten to twenty. Someteen foreigners, with varying levels of Chinese, and two weeks to find apartments (and roommates), figure out how to get around, go through training, etc…it’s a unique situation that basically forces bonding, so even though we all ended up at different schools around the city, it still seems like we’re somehow related. We all moved in with one or two other people from our group.

Anyway, this Christmas, my roommate Laura decided to throw a dinner party for Christmas Eve, inviting some of her friends from work and one of the other girls from our batch. Since it’s our apartment too, my other roommate Stacy and I were free to attend, and Stacy invited some others, including Luke, a guy from our group that we hadn’t seen in a long time. For most of us, this was the first Christmas when we would be unable to visit our families, so we wanted to spend it with our little foreigner pseudo-family.

This was by no means a Martha Stewart affair, but we still put quite a bit of work into it – Stacy and I decorated and cleaned the apartment and bought fresh fish and vegetables for the dinner. Laura, despite the fact that she had to work BOTH Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, prepared a home-cooked meal for 12. Most of the people at the party wouldn’t be big drinkers, but Luke was, so we bought some beers for him.

Now, at the very last second, Luke’s roommate Andrew invited himself to the party. Andrew had always been very likable before, so we overlooked this and asked him to please bring some more alcohol to contribute to the party. Luke and Andrew arrived early, with nothing. Laura having to work that day meant that it took a while to get dinner started, and Andrew began making little comments about the party being boring. He also seemed highly impressed with himself for having learned the Chinese phrase for “suck dick”, and said it over and over.

As the night wore on, Andrew got less forgivable. We didn’t have enough alcohol, he didn’t feel drunk enough, we needed to play some good music. He went down to a local convenience store to buy more beer, and took over Stacy’s computer (which was out playing Christmas music) to go on YouTube and play us his favorite rap songs. He kept saying those two words in Chinese.

Now, as I alluded to earlier, I don’t really handle social situations as well as most people do, and a party that drags on for more than 5 hours takes a lot out of me. I was not only exhausted, but also seething at Andrew’s behavior (if he hated the party so much, why would he stay so late that he missed the last train and had to take a taxi home?). I excused myself early, to go to bed, and from what I heard, Andrew only got worse. Luke, awkward but good-natured, sent us all a text thanking us for a lovely evening.

Stacy is furious with Andrew, and wants to say something to him. Is this a thing that can be addressed, or should we just never mention it again? Can we continue to invite Luke to things while being completely clear that Andrew is not to be included? 1226-13

At some point you could have begun whispering, “Huí jia, Culu de Kèrén”, to Andrew. (“Go home, Rude Guest.”)

Acknowledgement of a Thank You Note

May 29, 2014admin31 Comments

My adult son and his two daughters and myself recently visited with my son’s father, and his third wife (I’m the first wife) at their summer home. We were there for 5 days and enjoyed ourselves immensely and were welcomed and made to feel appreciated. We ate their food, used their linens and used the amenities of their gated community swimming pools. When we left, my son and I each contributed $50.00 to a thank you card saying we appreciated the hospitality, and left the card, with their names clearly written on the envelope in a conspicuous place in their home for them to see after we left.

Is it unreasonable for either of us to expect an acknowledgement that they received the card and enclosed money? Of course we don’t expect a thankyou for having thanked them. Surely though, a polite acknowledgement is in order. It leaves us wondering if they got it at all. Maybe the cleaning lady threw it out by mistake? Or many other scenarios go through my mind. What are your thoughts please. 0523-14

My thoughts are that I would not have left a note and money in the hopes of it being discovered by accident. And I probably would not have given cash as a hostess gift since that implies payment for services rendered. Next time bring a gift such as foods local to your area, several bottles of nice wine, or offer to take them to dinner while there, and for heaven’s sake, make sure you help around the house, keep the guest room and bathroom tidy, etc.

If I were you, I would write another glowing, deeply appreciative thank you note and mail it, sans any cash, to your kind hosts. Include the phrase, “I just wanted to thank you again for the lovely week at your summer home. Words cannot express how blessed we were by your exceedingly kind hospitality.”

Super Bowl Party Food

January 13, 2014January 13, 2014admin78 Comments

I have been a lurker on your site for quite some time and I was hoping you could give me some guidance on food for my first major event! It is an informal affair…a super bowl party! I’m excited to have friends and coworkers over to have a good time but I’m concerned about how accommodating I need to be about food.

I am a meat eater, but I do prefer healthier dishes and am planning on having wings, paella, meatballs, sausage/pepper/onion sandwiches, and dim sum (amazing Chinese market close by). I will certainly be respectful with the amount of hot sauce and spiciness but I live in a metropolitan area with a collection of odd eaters…vegans, vegetarians, pescatarians, and people who are on crazy diets because of their New Year’s resolutions.

How much do I have to cater to their oddness? Special snowflakes abound here and I do want to be a good host, but it is a super bowl party! Is having a salad station sufficient or should I ask my friends to let me know about their special needs in the invitation? If someone comes back with, “I only eat hot sauce on crackers dipped in $100 champagne because of my new diet,” how do I respectfully ask them to bring their own food? Or did I volunteer to provide that by asking if they have special needs?

Thanks for the guidance! 0109-14

Your menu sounds great! The only thing I would add to balance out the food choices would be my Texas Caviar recipe. Even meat lovers like it! And it can be made a day or two in advance. As for asking people what their “special needs” are, I personally would not venture there because, as you noted, the potential possibilities of taste and preference can be overwhelming to try to cater to each one. Most people with food allergies will either ask you what you are serving or bring their own snacks.

Texas Caviar

2 (16-ounce) cans black beans, drained
1 medium jalapeno, minced
¼ small white onion, chopped
1/3 cup Italian dressing
½ green bell pepper, chopped
1 tsp. salt
2 tsp. chili powder
2 tsp. ground cumin
1/3 tsp. ground red pepper

Combine beans with ingredients. Chill and serve with either corn chips or Carr Water Crackers. Makes 5 cups. Can be made several days ahead.

Wine Soaked Guest

January 6, 2014admin179 Comments

My husband has a very good friend, J, whom he met in college. After graduating with their bachelors, J moved back to his home state (on the east coast, we are on the west coast in same state as the college). J’s cross country move was approximately 5 to 6 years ago. Since then, both J and my husband married and have homes.

Obviously it is rare to have a visit from J, so my husband is so excited anytime they get to see each other. This holiday, J and his wife and little girl came to our state for a visit (they stayed with relatives, coming to see us for dinner, etc as we are an hour from where they were staying). The first visit at my home was wonderful, I put out a nice display of snacks, drinks, and made lasagna. My husband was so delighted I hosted his good friend so generously.

One evening J and his wife had come over for an informal movie in our living room, once again I laid out snacks, as it was after dinner time. I forgot to take the soda out, so my husband, says, “We have water, this soda, that soda, iced tea, or juice.” J takes a soda. Wife hems and haws, then walks over to my husband at the fridge and spies my wine (this was a gift from my friend to me) and says, “Oooo, wine! I’ll take that!” Husband looks at me, but I was so shocked at a guest asking for something that I felt like I had to okay it, or I would be seen as a bad hostess. So my husband fetches the wine opener, she takes it from him and opens. Then pours herself a glass. .. that would be considered two glasses at a restaurant. Ok… That was rude. Nothing to be done though, I did allow a glass.

Movie is on, then she says, “Mmmm, this is good,” while walking towards the bathroom (and that is also the direction of the kitchen), “I’m totally having more of this!” Swoops past bathroom, opens fridge again and pours another gigantic glass. At this point I pinched my husband hard, as he looked at J’s wife in shock at her blatant rudeness. Hubby says, “Wow, you should stick to water now or you might not remember the movie. ”

Well, he tried. I was at a loss because J is hubby’s very good friend and I’m afraid of offending him. ..shouldn’t he have noticed his wife mooching?
Movie is 2/3 way through, and J’s wife gets up, which I think is to pet my cat who is sitting in the kitchen. She does pet the cat for a while, but then opens the fridge, pours THE REMAINING WINE into her glass. I say, “Is that all gone? Are you serious?? That’s.. just.. crazy…” I don’t get to finish because she hugs me and exclaims, “I love you! You are so pretty, and nice. And you work so hard.” Ugh, now this girl is giddy drunk off my wine. I knew I was ready to rip her a new belly button so I said I have a very early client, thank you for coming, I’m going to bed, hubby will be here.

The next day, my husband felt very bad. He said he was in shock at her behavior and didn’t know why J didn’t handle her, like he has in the past (so apparently this is not an isolated incident of taking advantage). He said he didn’t want to ruin their trip, that he never sees J, and that the wife won’t be visiting again this trip. I know it is only a bottle of wine, but how rude is that! I would never impose such a thing onto a host, and then to help oneself to an entire bottle of wine! Once again, it’s just… crazy! Did I make a mistake even allowing her a glass? I never would have dreamed she would help herself after that, or I never would have approved in the first place. My husband’s only idea as to why she thought this was okay was that in college, J and he would help themselves to each other’s fridges. Yeah, in a bachelor pad over 5 years ago. Is that a valid excuse? I personally don’t think so. What could I have said that would have been a polite way to have handled the situation? I.e. What does a polite spined person do here? 0104-14

Js wife was inexcusably rude and presumptuous to first decline the offered choices in beverages, to ask for wine and then to be a pig about drinking all of it. Had I been in your shoes, I would have told her the truth, “This bottle was a gift from a friend and it is being saved for a special occasion. Would you like a Pepsi instead?”

It is not the host’s obligation to cater to every whim and desire of guests. Your hospitality was flawless and generous but unfortunately you came head to head with a greedy, inconsiderate, selfish guest who could not take the hints being given by her hosts that her behavior was a tad over the top. Now you know to hide the good stuff whenever they come again.

The Celebrity Guest

October 3, 2013October 2, 2013admin25 Comments

I am wondering if fellow EHellions could help with a sticky situation. Soon my dear friend is to become Godmother to my daughter, and I am currently planning the details. This friend happens to be a well-known Minister (as in politically). She is also the daughter of an internationally-renowned author. I have known these two for years and while humble and gracious, you can never go anywhere without people accosting them about work, particularly in the Minister’s case, of course, people always want to have a go about politics. I am afraid my family and friends might be no different and I would love for the Godmother and her mum to enjoy the day as a day off from public duties. Is it ever okay to attach a polite note to an invitation requesting that these two be allowed a day to enjoy the occasion and to refrain from work issues? (The two will be instantly recognizable by the invitees.) This smacks of bossing people around and censoring what they can and can’t say (and not trusting my friends) but I see them regularly and it is wearing to discuss the same books and political issues EVERY single time you go out. I want them to relax, not be on the spot. If this IS ever ok, how would you word it? I have the best of intentions here, but please let me know if I am being overbearing. And no, I cannot trust my family. They are likely to weigh in on sensitive political topics and it would be embarrassing…but they are kind-hearted and if I approach it diplomatically they might behave! 0921-13

Part of being a public figure is that you are constantly “on” when out in public. With the benefits of celebrity status comes the downside of losing privacy. It was this recognition of the costs of being a public figure that fueled my decisions over the past 12 years to decline some very lucrative offers that would have made me far more recognizable but at a cost to my family’s privacy. I’m quite happy in my modest niche!

That said, I suspect your friends are quite adept at dodging questions they prefer to not answer. Public figures learn to bean dip early on. And while your intent to shield them is honorable, you cannot play conversation cop for everyone by crassly laying down the rules of communication in the invitations. Your best option is to speak privately with the relatives and friends most likely to annoy your celebrity guests with discussions of issues that have no relevance whatsoever to the theme of the party and request that they choose another occasion to have those politically charged discussions. And then you act as conversational gatekeeper at the party and steer any conversations away from talk of politics.