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Give Me A Hug, Famous Celebrity!

This happened at a party I attended recently. I was curious as to how someone else would handle the situation.

The backstory is this. I live in an area known for a specific industry that involves a large number of celebrities. Many of them have large houses in the area and they tend to have families that live there with them.

I was at a small party thrown by a friend (we are considered “millennials” and frequently stay in and have small events at each others’ homes) when I encountered someone I’d never met at one of these small parties before. She and I were chatting and I learned that she worked for a local nanny agency. These agencies work by having a group of nannies on staff, and when you call them they send out one of their contractors to babysit instead of hiring the local teens. It’s short-term only, and you generally can’t request a specific person. Sitters frequently know who they will be sitting for in advance for safety purposes, but often they won’t be informed of who they’re seeing if it’s a celebrity that’s called. This protects the clients’ privacy and prevents unwanted visitors in the form of those obnoxious individuals who have been known to show up, unannounced and uninvited, on the doorsteps of the rich and famous for pictures and autographs.

As this woman and I were talking, she mentioned that she’d never babysit for a local celeb we will call J again. I asked her why. Her words, exactly, were “because she’s a b—h.”

Upon further questioning, I learned why this woman had come to the conclusion she had.

She had been called one night to do an emergency sitting job for someone who’s original sitter had cancelled at the last minute. She raced over to a specific celeb-filled neighborhood and arrived at J’s house. She was unaware of who it was she would be babysitting for, but she knew it would be a celeb. When she arrived, it was none other than her favorite singer, J.

Now, this is not her first babysitting gig for a celebrity. She had apparently babysat for several other celebrities without incident, which is why she was chosen for this job. Therefore, she should have known better.

She asked J for a hug. Apparently J gave her an awkward side hug, left a note with the important numbers, and booked it out of there very quickly.

And that, apparently, is why J is a b—h.

I was floored. So, a stranger didn’t want to give this woman a hug, and somehow she’s a horrible person? For various reasons, I don’t like hugging people I don’t know well. I’d prefer a handshake. I found an excuse to talk to someone else at the party and escaped this woman. At the end of the party, I successfully avoided hugging her.

She’s been talking to our mutual friends. I didn’t want to hug her either. Apparently that makes me a b—h too!!  0111-16

People are not stupid and as she tells her version of the story, it only makes her look bad in many people’s eyes.   Asking the client to give you a hug is unprofessional. Because it was an emergency job, J the celebrity singer was probably late to the event she needed to be at and to expect her to disengage from that “business mode” to give the hired babysitter a hug was the height of entitlement.    If J were smart, she’d call the agency and report the lack of professionalism and request that this woman not babysit for her again.

Had you had a closer relationship with this woman I’d have suggested you say something to her but seeing as you had just met her, I think your beandipping and avoiding her thereafter was a fine solution to the dilemma.

Cheater, Cheater

I showed up for an exam to a big lecture class, where there were probably 300 students. A boy I had other classes with made eye contact with me and said, “Did you study?”
I shrugged. I had, but I was still nervous. And, since this kid had never really talked to me before, I was wary as to why he was asking.

He then asked the person sitting beside me to trade him seats so he could sit by “his friend.” Yeah, he’d hardly ever talked to me; we weren’t friends.

As the test goes on, he tries to ask me questions. I ignore him. Somehow, he’s loud enough to disturb our neighbors, but not the professor.

Toward the end, he tries a plea, “I’m failing this test,” he whines, “Failing.”

I continued to ignore him. I was hesitant to even whisper, “No,” so as not to look like I was cheating.

In retrospect, the best choice would have been to stand up, march to the front of the classroom, and tell the professor that this kid was disturbing me.

In the moment, I was worried about my own grade. And I was enraged that someone would pretend to be my friend and expect me to risk my grade, my reputation, and my standing at the university by helping him cheat. 0916-11

Expectations Are Premeditated Resentments

My husband and I were comfortable financially. A dear friend hit hard times and we gave her some money. She did not ask but I knew it was needed. She cried and said we were lifesavers.

My husband lost his job a couple of years after that. We used our savings and credit cards up and just got by. My husband finally got a good job but we were deeply in debt and struggled to make our monthly payments.

My friend came into a large sum of money right at that point and they took a big vacation, and bought many luxury items. She knew we were struggling to make ends meet and while she sympathized, she never once offered to do for us what we had done for her.

We took steps to get our debt cleared up and are once again financially stable but I can hardly look at my friend these days. They live only a couple of blocks from us. We used to have coffee together almost every single day and got together a couple of times a month with our husbands for card nights but I have made enough excuses that she has stopped asking. We do still talk on the phone occasionally.

Do I let her know how hurt I am? 0119-15

The timing of this story submission coincides well with my intention to discuss the topic of expectations we all have in regards to our relationships with other people.   I had recently heard or read an interesting phase which I believe sums up the dangers of having expectations that people owe you something.

“Expectations are premeditated resentments.”

My mother used to say that we are not disappointed because we got too little but that we expected too much.   Oh, how true.   Expectations are unspoken contracts  we place on others and when they fail to live up to the demands of this contract, when our expectations are not met, we feel justified in resenting the other person for failing to live up to the expectations placed on them.

So, dear OP, you gave your friend a gift which had unseen and unknown strings attached to it.  Upon handing your friend money, you promptly placed a contract upon her that she was not aware of and when she failed to honor the terms of your expectations, you resented it.  Expectations are premeditated resentments because the bottom line, the harsh reality, is that people can, do and will let you down.   YOu set your friend up for failure because you assumed she would and should reciprocate in the exact same way should you ever have the same need some day.  In essence, you really didn’t give her a gift, you used her as a bank to store money with the expectation that your friend would return it some day when you needed it.   The problem is, she was not aware that your gift came with these expectations and now you resent her for not knowing the terms of your expectation.

You could talk with your friend to express to her how hurt you feel but what you will do is expose the fact that while she never asked for nor expected any money from you, you most certainly did have expectations that you not only deserved part of her good fortune but when she did not deliver what you felt she owed you, you resented her for not reading your mind. You won’t come out smelling of roses, OP.   I suggest changing your perspective and viewing your infusion of cash as a true gift and needed charity at a time when someone was needy and further, divest yourself of the expectation that this friend, or anyone for the matter, owes you money when you might be in similar circumstances.   You will be a happier person with no expectations that people owe you anything other than gratitude for the gifts you give.

What Is Yours Is Mine…Particularly Your Hotdog

I have an issue with my MIL, and I’m not sure if the blame lies with me, her, or somewhere in between.

I wouldn’t say I have issues with personal space, but I have firm opinions on what I find acceptable. For example, our bedroom is our own space, mine and my husband’s. I do not like other people entering my room, unless invited, and that very, very seldom ever happens. I also consider my desk my space and I don’t like other people to sit at it, even though it is in a common area in our house. There are plenty of tables and seating areas in our kitchen/living room so that no one should find it necessary to sit in “my space”. I know it may sound selfish to say “mine!” like a child refusing to share a toy, but I am a private person, and I expect a certain level of privacy in my own home.

My MIL consistently enters my personal space. She walks into our bedroom whenever the mood strikes. There is no reason for her to be there. It is a small room, and we don’t keep anything in there that she would need or want. I have mentioned this to her several times, and even had the support of my sister-in-law who also dislikes having my MIL go into their bedroom. MIL just argues that she isn’t snooping, and doesn’t see the issue.

Another problem, and perhaps the biggest one, is her habit of grabbing food off people’s plates, or taking sips of their drinks without asking. She will reach across the table and take a handful of fries from the plate next to her. On several occasions she has said “oh, what’s that you’re drinking? Looks good!” and proceed to take a big mouthful of drink before anyone can stop her. During her last visit, I had been rushing around trying to get ready for a family get-together at our house the next day. My husband grilled hot dogs for the kids and put one aside for me that evening as I hadn’t taken time to eat. I was standing in the kitchen, holding the hot dog when MIL came along, grabbed my hand, and pulled the hot dog in for a huge bite. Then she had the nerve to complain that I didn’t put mustard on my hot dogs. I know it was probably rude, but I just passed it to her and told her that she could have it and put whatever she wanted on it. She doesn’t think it’s a big deal, and gets offended when anyone protests. “We’re all family” is her stock reply.

The problem seems to have gotten worse instead of better over the past couple of years, despite my protestations (and those from her other DIL). I know that my issues with personal space play a part in this situation, but I need a way to let MIL know that pushing herself on others (or even just me!) is not OK.    0909-14

 

Your MIL has an entitlement attitude which expresses itself in crossing personal boundaries with no regard to courtesies of respect.  Your food is her food to do with whatever she wishes, your space is her space.   The first step to changing this behavior, or at least modify it, is to address the issue very directly and specifically….

“Do not go into our bedroom.”

“But I’m not snooping and I don’t what the big deal is anyway.”

“There is nothing you need to see in our bedroom, all the more reason why you have no need to go in there.  And it is irrelevant whether you believe it is not a big deal.  I do consider it a ‘deal’ and am requesting that you do not enter our bedroom.”

OP, where is your husband, the son of your MIL?   Why are you dealing with this invasion of your bedroom privacy apparently alone?   Is it perhaps that your husband has given up trying since he is familiar with this behavior for decades?

As for privacy for your desk, I think you have an unreasonable expectation that no one should ever sit at the desk given that the desk is located in a common area of the house.    Courteous, considerate people know better than to snoop through papers on a desk or drawers but if there is an available chair in the common area, I don’t think most people would view the desk as off limits entirely.    Until recently small writing desks were placed in common areas for guests to use for writing correspondences while visiting so  I don’t think people have it engrained in their cultural mindset to completely avoid sitting in a desk chair.    If the desk must be in a common area, you may need to invest in a roll top desk to get that level of privacy you want.

As for the food, that is just gross, rude and bratty what your MIL does with other people’s food.   I’d be tempted to stab her grubby paw with my fork if I saw it sneaking up to my plate.   If I were the victim of her theft from my plate, I would most certainly, and promptly, take my plate and empty the remaining contents of whatever it was she took onto her own plate and refresh mine with new food.    Can you imagine how barbaric meals would be if everyone at the table stole food from each other with no regard for the courtesies of asking, “Are you finished with that?  Yes? May I have it?”

As for the hotdog incident, I would have stiffened arm in resistance and asked incredulously, “What are you doing? Get your own hotdog.”

And when your MIL gives you that manipulative explanation that “We’re family!”, you respond with this….


“Don’t flatter yourself that friendship authorizes you to say disagreeable things to your intimates. The nearer you come into relation with a person, the more necessary do tact and courtesy become. ”
Oliver Wendell Holmes

Has Greed Become Socially Acceptable?

Several UK readers submitted the following link to a article about how brides are using more creative ways to drain their guests dry of money. I can’t say I’m surprised since wedding greed appears to have become more socially acceptable despite many people claiming they would never act so crass or support someone who was. If there really were a negative backlash to wedding greed, wouldn’t there be a corresponding decline in people being greedy?

Read away!