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Birthday Blackmail

admin133 Comments

Call me crazy, but I always thought birthdays of children should be about the parents and a few close relatives relishing a few gifts (if they choose to!), some cards and some cake.

Well, figure me shocked when I saw this come up on my Facebook feed from a woman I know this morning:

“Well im done giving a s**t about anybody in this world! The only person in this world to make an effort and send something to our daughter for her birthday was her uncle [blank] & he is locked up in prison! We appreciate it and she certainly loves it! As for everyone else thats ever been apart of [blank]’s life feel free to hit the unfriend button!”

Since when did it become OK to openly be such a gimme pig on Facebook about your child’s birthday (with blackmail about unfriending and exclusion included)? It’s pretty rich to assume that her 200 friends and acquaintances (most who have never even met her daughter) will be sending gifts. I myself do not even know of the date of her daughter’s birthday and she did not post anything about it, otherwise I probably would have wished her a happy birthday on the post.

For some background, this woman is famed for gimme pig behaviour (threatening to sue competition runners because her daughter didn’t win, openly embroiled in a spat on Facebook with a cleaner who she didn’t pay, moaning about how she never has money constantly but wants to take her child to this and that and sitting back and waiting for someone to offer to her).

I would love some advice on what I could say to this woman about her gimme pig behaviour before I do unfriend her. I am choosing not to be a part of her gimme lifestyle any longer, but I feel it needs to be pointed out to her why I feel that way.    0212-15

I had a similar situation last year.   I reconnected on Facebook with a person I had known from early childhood but had lost contact after we went to college.  She posted a similar guilt manipulative rant that no one had acknowledged her eldest son’s graduation or wished her a “Happy Birthday”.   Friends rushed in to remedy this deficit in her life, not realizing that by doing so they were enablers of future such rants.   I quietly unfriended her from Facebook.

What is the point of saying anything to this person other than to get a load off your chest?  She won’t listen to you and you will have started a conflict you cannot end well.   Better to just quietly ease her completely out of your life.

Hyping The Drama In An Already Dramatic Dilemma

admin91 Comments

The recent shooting at Parliament Hill in Ottawa hit very close to home and I was grateful for social media to both update friends and family and get a sense of what was going on. But, a friend’s actions left me shocked and I wonder if I should have shown a more “polite spine” in dealing with her.

My husband works just around the corner from Parliament Hill and he was due to head there for a meeting the morning of the shooting. When news broke, I had just arrived home with my six-month old daughter after dropping my toddler off at a playgroup. I couldn’t get hold of my husband, and posted the following on Facebook: “Thanks for the concern everyone. Haven’t heard from (husband), but I’m sure he is safe and in lockdown. I’ll keep you posted.” I also mentioned in a comment that I wasn’t sure if my husband had already arrived at Parliament Hill when everything happened.

Shortly after, an acquaintance, “Lisa”, posted this: “My friend, (husband), was at Parliament Hill this morning and he is missing. I’m so afraid he may be dead.” She tagged me, so all of my friends and family, including my mother-in-law, could see the message. I learned about the message when my MIL called, afraid that I wasn’t telling her everything. (At the time, we really didn’t know much about what was happening and there were a lot of rumours, so this message made things worse.)

Worse, Lisa started posting on my wall every 30 minutes or so, asking why I hadn’t updated everyone. I was more concerned about keeping my daughter safe (my neighbourhood had been told to lock doors and stay away from windows – disconcerting to say the least), and trying to get in touch with my husband than updating Facebook.

I really didn’t know how to respond to any of this. I was shocked that she was managing to make a tragedy that had nothing to do with her – or with me for that matter – ALL about her. I didn’t say anything in the end, but I can’t help but feel that I should have told her she was being irresponsible and inappropriate. I would love to know what you and your readers think about this.

By the way, my husband was fine. He was, as I suspected, in lockdown and they had been asked to turn off their phones for security reasons. 1028-14

You communicate to her by deleting her posts, untagging yourself from her posts and blocking her from commenting on your wall or not seeing your profile at all.   My view is that your Facebook page is “owned” by you and as the administrator of your  FB wall, you get to decide the content that appears on that page.  If someone posts something to your wall that has the potential to cause heartache and panic among your loved ones or you who see it, you eliminate the source.   You are under no obligation to let comments like that remain on your page.

I don’t believe in feeding drama queens by responding since in most cases these people are narcissists who have an egotistical preoccupation with self, personal preferences, aspirations, needs, success, and how he/she is perceived by others.  No amount of logical appeals or stern rebuke changes a narcissist’s behavior because they believe it is all about them.  Lisa ramped up the drama concerning your husband because it got her attention from others and fed her need to be perceived as the source of dramatic news.   There is just no point in arguing with the crazy.

 

The Ice Bucket Challenge

admin270 Comments

I was wondering if ehell would comment about the “ice bucket challenge” movement currently sweeping Facebook. As I understand it, when someone “challenges” you, you have 24 hours to either donate $100 to a charity (ALS research seems to be the most common in the US) or have a bucket of ice water dumped over your head. In some versions, it’s $100 or do the ice bucket and only donate $10. Then you challenge someone(s) else. The majority of the videos are celebrities who can easily afford it. Still, I find the concept of calling someone out in a public way and essentially demanding they donate to the charity of YOUR choice or engage in a ritual of public humiliation extremely rude, besides just being out and out dumb. Yet these videos are all over Facebook and people seem to love them.

It’s currently making the rounds on Facebook among the teenagers and young adults of my acquaintance.   My thought is that, knowing who I see dumping ice water on their heads, it is quite unlikely they donated any money whatsoever due to their own limited financial ability to do so.   I don’t see any information on Lou Gehrig’s Disease (ALS) so the ice water dumping doesn’t appear to even have a positive educational aspect to it.   It’s merely a summer fad…a video form of a selfie doing something everyone else is doing without any real conviction as to why one would submit to being doused with ice water.

I had a chuckle yesterday when a young friend of mine, a mother, mistakenly thought she had been tagged in a Facebook post to do this challenge. Her response was, “Really scared there that you tagged me and I would have to be like: ‘Hahahahahahaaaa. No.'”    You gotta love that gutsy polite spine.

The Drama of Grief

admin63 Comments

I’m not sure if I’m in the wrong or not on this issue, but a third (yes, there were a first and second death to prompt this letter) death in the family has caused the conduct of a pair of my aunts (herein named 1 and 2) to weigh heavily on my mind. It bothers me so much because I’ve worked in funeral culture (a funeral museum that is now closed up), and I feel as if I’m being a bit unsympathetic.

The first death was that of an uncle who was, to all accounts, dearly beloved by nearly every member of the family. There was the standard reaction- weeping, remembrance pictures, stories told of sweet or funny things he’d said and done, a show of support for his widow and children. After a while, the bereft were left to their mourning and to pick their lives up as best they could and move on. Two years later, my grandmother passed. There had been quite a lot of fighting in the family concerning her estate, but of course everyone came to do their mourning. I have no doubt that their grief was profound. She was their mother, and I remember the horrid ache of losing my own at a MUCH younger age (I was 16 and they were old enough to be my mother then. It’s been twenty years.) Aunt 1 made much of having been beside the bed when she passed, crowing over it like a sort of crowning glory or great achievement. Aunt 2 was initially quiet until a few days after the funeral, possibly out of shock. From the moment Grandma died, Aunt 1 behaved as though she were proud of her grief, wearing it like a sort of regalia and mourning in an overdone way that would make the Italian funerary tradition (loud cries and weeping, much beating of breasts and tearing of clothes and hair) proud.

It’s been two years, and every day, the two aunts involved have been posting those glittery, pithy pictures of angels and roses and platitudes one finds on Facebook pages of the grieving. Both of them post multiple expressions of their grief per day. It’s like they’re trying to out-grieve each other, or like their grief is some sick trophy they share and revel in expressing and pawing over. I understand that, as their mother, they miss her. That much is natural. I miss her too, but having their grief flaunted and waved in my face like some kind of awful banner disgusts and angers me. I’m the kind who grieves in private and recovers fairly quickly, but having the wound opened multiple times a day like this is intolerable for me.

My cousin died a few days ago. Already, Aunt 1 has pounced on the fresh tragedy and is posting stuff about “my beautiful nephew, who will be in heaven with the angels forever” and similar stuff. Aunt 2 has shown the same restraint in every issue that she showed before Grandma’s death.

Am I being unsympathetic? Normally I consider the grief of bereft families as nearly sacred, but I don’t think I can use strong enough words for my disgust at Aunt 1. I have no plans to say anything to anyone in the family. Your answer will be solely for my own peace of mind or alteration of conduct. 0331-14

I am sorry for all your losses.

While your aunts’ preference for grieving may not appeal to you, the bottom line is that you cannot change them.   Grief can be used to create a victim identity and some people wrap themselves in it.  Demonstrative grief can also be a way to assuage guilt over actions taken (or not taken) while the person was alive.    “See how much I loved the deceased?   My grief is never ending.”     Their grief begins to define who they are and until they see the need to change, they won’t.

I would block your aunts’ posts from appearing in your Facebook feed.  What you cannot see cannot perturb you.   It is not disrespectful to block relatives from splattering drama all over your feed.  You can still check out how they are doing by visiting their Facebook profiles since it is you who determines when and how you wish to interact with these women.

You can also suggest to them that they seek grief counseling.   Hospitals often have a group grief counseling available and there are private organizations like GriefShare that offer group support for the grieving.

If Your Gimme Pig Warning Bells Are Ringing….

admin61 Comments

This is more of a story as this incident has already passed and once I realized what was really happening, I don’t need to ask whether this was impolite.

As it happens more and more, this took place on Facebook. An event was posted, not sent to every friend of theirs, though quite possibly, but it was sent to individual people including me for which I felt honored to be thought of by my two friends and former co-workers.

This event post was to be a surprise by one man, “Jim”, for his partner, “Mark” for his 30th birthday. There were 2 ways the invitees could help “celebrate” Mark’s birthday. One was to contribute to a picture book with artwork or pictures of homemade creations with accompanying notes to celebrate Mark that would be put together and given to Mark during his celebration. The second way was to contribute any amount of money to an art space for Mark as it was always his dream to have his own studio. I thought both ideas were sweet, even with the obvious hand sticking out for donations to this luxury for Mark, so I contributed to both. My monetary contribution was very small as that was all I could give but the artwork I submitted cost a lot more with time and energy. Again, I thought it was a nice cause to support and I looked forward to being there when Mark received these sweet, caring gifts.

About a month goes by and the date of the event got nearer. I looked up the Facebook page for this event to find out where I was supposed to be in a few days. There wasn’t a date or address. I looked again. Apparently, I hadn’t read close enough. The ‘celebration’ all 200+ guests were invited to was just those two things, giving money and/or giving art. The “ You are invited” and “Let’s help celebrate Mark’s birthday” had me completely fooled that I was going to actually attend a celebration, see my friends, and enjoy Mark’s happiness that all of it had been done for him. Nothing in the cleverly worded invitation indicated that “share in the celebration” meant “give us stuff, we’ll celebrate privately, then tell you about it later.” but that’s what happened.

Once I got the hint, I was pretty disappointed but chalked it up to my fault for not reading it closely enough and decided to let it go. But it didn’t stop there. 2 days before the birthday, Jim sends out a reminder to all 200+ invitees to contribute to the fund. Then again at 36 hours prior. Then again at 24, again at 12, 8, 6, etc. Finally around T minus 2 hours, Jim sends out a update that they “far exceeded their goal!” And “we’ll video Mark opening his picture book and gift of the studio fund and post it! Thank you!”

Mad but still holding on to the belief that maybe they just weren’t “party people” and the gifts were thoughtful, I was just going to forget about it and hopefully never fall for it again.

Mark’s birthday day, though, his Facebook page becomes filled with rave upon rave of the amazing restaurants they were hitting all day long, the rich and succulent dishes and gifts, and the PARTY THEY HELD IN THE PARK! The party I wasn’t invited to. The party I find out that most of the contributors were also not invited to. Just select people at a party I was now pretty convinced I helped pay for.

I’m horrified to be used that way. I never would have thought these two would do something like this but I was clearly wrong. And guess what? They never even posted the video they promised of Mark opening his gifts we also paid for.

I’m not sure if all of their doings were fueled by ignorance or by pure greed. I truly don’t know. It’s the first time, hopefully the last, I have ever come across this blatant gimme-grab and intentional invitation-shunning and I hope other people who read this don’t get blindsided like I did. 0325-14

Now you know to listen your internal gimme pig warning bells when they squeal to high heaven that a gimme pig is in range.    You walked right into this despite recognizing “the obvious hand sticking out for donations to this luxury for Mark”.   If it smells like a gimme pig, even a whiff, it is most likely a gimme pig.

This reminds me of the old story submitted many years ago by a co-worker who, along with her other co-workers, had been invited to a wedding shower for another co-worker.   They had all been instructed to bring a potluck dish to the shower as well as a bottle of champagne and told where the bride was registered.   Got that? Not one gift but three….the shower gift, a bottle of champagne and food.    The worst part of this was when it was revealed at the shower that none of the shower invitees, all of them co-workers, were actually invited to the wedding but their bottles of champagne were to be used at the wedding reception.    It was a classic example of how greedy gimme pigs really are quite obvious and they are not above using people to fund parties or gifts they themselves cannot afford.