Tag: Facebook

I am a 27-year-old single woman. Last year, I received a Facebook friend request from a 9th-grader from my church, Jackie. I didn’t know her very well but figured I was Facebook friends with lots of the other teens from the church, so, sure, I would accept her friend request. A day later she sent me a message saying “Hiiiiiii! You’re gorgeous!” I replied, “Well, thank you! Same to you!!” and then left my Facebook. Another day later, she messaged again just to chat about….well, nothing in particular. Our conversation consisted of me asking her questions such as, “What are you up to now that it’s summer?” her replying “Oh, I’m super busy,” but refusing to tell me anything specific. Okay, well, she’s 14, grace on her.

Well, the catch was, I discovered EVERY time I signed into Facebook or Skype (even if it was multiple times a day) she would want to talk for hours about nothing, and would get upset when I tried to politely end the conversation. I gradually stopped responding to her messages because I simply don’t have time to sit at my computer and chat for hours, especially with someone who I see face-to-face every week at church! The funny thing was, if I tried to talk to her at church she would avoid me- the other 9th-grade girls would greet me and chat with me, and she would bolt off and hide. One day when she messaged me I replied asking, “Can I take you out for coffee after school on Friday? I’ll ask your mom if it’s okay, but I’m sure she’ll say yes.” All of a sudden, Jackie claimed to be “superbusy” (superbusy doing what?? I know she isn’t in any clubs or sports…and if she’s so busy, how does she have all this time to sit around on Facebook and Skype?) and said she wouldn’t have time.

However, she continued to bombard me online- I left my computer on and unattended for several minutes and came back to find five or six missed Skype calls from her (Skype?? When we live 15 minutes apart??) and a string of messages saying, “Come talk to me!” “Come on, where are you???” “Don’t do this to me!!” “Why do you hate me? If you liked me you would talk to me!!” At this point, I sent her a gentle message telling her that I simply couldn’t sit at my computer all day and talk to her or anyone else- she was on vacation from school, but I was working and preparing to move overseas. I told her if she wanted to write me an actual letter on Facebook I would happily read it and respond as soon as possible, but that the wording she had just used in her previous messages was accusatory and manipulative. I explained that if she wanted to hang out (I assumed she was looking for a mentoring-relationship from me) face-to-face I would gladly do so, but there was no need to be constantly Facebooking or Skyping when we lived in the same town. She replied that she understood and would try to change her ways- but the bombarding messages continued.

I need to explain at this point that I had plans to go abroad for a year and do missionary work, and her favorite thing to message me about was how “hard” it would be for her when I left. For one, she barely knew me and two, it was hard enough for me to leave my home for a year; I didn’t need to be guilted about it from someone I barely knew. The hardest part before my departure was waiting on my visa, not knowing whether it would be approved, and other church friends would leave messages on my Facebook wall saying, “Praying for patience for you, hope your visa comes in the mail today!” and Jackie would post comments below them saying, “I hope it NEVER comes!!” When my visa finally came she dodged saying goodbye to me my last Sunday at church, but as soon as I was in my host country and had my computer set up, the constant messages continued. Sometimes I would be up until midnight planning for work the next day, and if I forgot to sign out of Skype she would start calling me and get upset when I didn’t answer, even if I messaged her explaining, “It’s midnight here and I’m trying to get to bed; plus my host family is asleep and I’ll wake them up if I start talking.” When my year was up, I had one week at home before moving to another state to begin post-graduate studies. I went to my church on Sunday, of course, and Jackie’s mother saw me and said, “The whole way to church she was talking about how she can’t wait to see you-” but as she was talking Jackie bolted past without acknowledging me. I sent her a message asking if I could take her out to lunch (again, I could ask her mom if it was okay) and she said she was free Tuesday. I had a LOT of people to see and things to get done during my week at home, but I cleared Tuesday afternoon, only to have her message me on Monday night saying her “allergies were superbad” and she couldn’t make it (She doesn’t have life-threatening allergies, just regular sneezing and blowing your nose- I have the same issues but I would never use it as an excuse not to see someone!) Well, glad I kept that time slot free for nothing. Then, the next day, she messages me saying, “I’ve had a really hard day. Can we Skype?” I ignored the message entirely at this point. No, I’m not going to sit around and talk to you online for hours when you refuse to talk to me face-to-face just so you can tell your friends you spent all day Skyping with a 27-year-old!

I’m not sure how to handle this at this point.  I know she’s 15, and I don’t know what it’s like to have social media at your fingertips at such a young age. Cell phones were still for emergencies only when I was 15!. But she won’t take my suggestions and I don’t know how to go to her parents with this without sounding like I’m saying, “Tell your kid to stop being so annoying!!” I’m tempted to block her on Facebook and Skype, but I’m not sure what will go down when she finds out I’m still friends with her more internetiquette-trained peers- I’m sure being blocked is a serious slap in the face for a 15-year-old. Is this the norm, now- to want to talk ALL the time online but NEVER face-to-face???   0612-13

No, this is not normal behavior.   This is beyond your sphere of responsibility to deal with and you need to inform the girl’s parents of the odd behavior.   It’s almost as if you are an imaginary friend for her.  You are fun to play with online but meeting face-to-face in reality is too much. It is time to tell her parents so they can address the issues.

The Huffington Post recently ran an article regarding a photograph a woman had taken of a fellow train traveler and then posted it to Facebook with the following comment:

“If this is your husband, I have endured a 2 hour train ride from Philadelphia listening to this loser and his friends brag about their multiple affairs and how their wives are too stupid to catch on. Oh please repost…”

The photo went viral and therein lies the dilemma.  Was she right to publish a photo of a man claiming he was bragging of being a serial adulterer?

My take on this is that the photograph is not evidence of the behavior the man is being accused of at all.   It merely identifies an anonymous stranger on the same train as “Stephanie”, the witness to the alleged vulgarity who snapped the picture.   The photo tells us nothing other than what the man looks like.   Is “Stephanie” lying? I don’t know but I remain skeptical that the man is guilty as she charges solely because it is a “he said,she said” situation.   Had she videotaped him that would settle the veracity issue but still leave open the question of whether she should have posted it all.

Second, in a confined yet public place, you will undoubtedly overhear conversations that will not meet with your own standards of appropriateness.  Back when I was a 20-something, I was in a restaurant and could not help overhearing the table of men next to me seriously discuss why women were inferior to men.  It made my blood boil but I had no right to intrude on their conversation whatsoever.   Freedom of speech is still a cherished Constitutional right in the US and like it or not, you will hear topics discussed that will offend you.

So, “Stephanie” overheard a conversation among several men on a train discussing their serial adulteries and how stupid their wives were for not knowing.   While disgusting that they are braggart adulterers, I’m not sure that rises to the level of being offensive to the welfare of the train passengers.  Committing adultery is an offense against the wife and family but not against the transient population of the train.   What would make the overheard conversation rise to the level of being offensive to their fellow train passengers is if those conversations contained graphic descriptions of sex acts in language most people would consider to be vulgar.   There is a time and place for everything and a public mode of transportation is not the venue to espouse one’s tales of sexual exploits loud enough to be overheard by passengers who cannot escape hearing it.   In this scenario, I do think passenger(s) have the right to confront the offender with the request to cease the topic and switch to another.

“Gentlemen, we  are not in a bar nor a men’s locker room therefore the loud, lurid and vulgar tales of your sexual exploits is offensive and out of place here where we are all compelled to overhear it.   None of us want to hear it so please put a lid on it.”

And I would video their behavior and my request because if the behavior continued, I would have no hesitation to use social media to pressure a change in behavior.

Help me!! I am in the most awkward situation ever. A little background. I was in a wedding as a bridesmaid last year to a friend I was decently close with. I didn’t really know the other bridesmaids, who included one girl who was pregnant, and her two sisters. I didn’t know the pregnant bridesmaid well, but had seen her at 2 or 3 social events outside of the wedding events, so we were acquaintances. The sisters I was completely strangers with. The wedding included a TON of drama, like the bride trying to sabotage the groom’s bachelor party (which in turn jeopardized friendships with groomsmen I was very close with), personal problems her sisters were having, familly problems, etc. Throughout it all I tried to help and slightly pull myself away, but somehow kept getting dragged in. The wedding proceeded, much to the dismay of all the groomsmen, and a year later I have received no thank you cards for presents/bridal shower/bachelorette party and I have cut connections with the bride, as have many of the groomsmen after all the drama. Every now and then she’ll pop in and out and send a text about wanting to see me but never actually proposing plans or writing on my Facebook telling me she misses me. I have not spoken to or seen any of the other bridesmaids, either.

Here’s the awkward part. The pregnant bridesmaid is getting married and sent a Facebook event invite requesting everyone send her their addresses so she can send wedding invitations. At first I thought maybe she sent them to ALL of her friends (being an extreme gift hunter) but noticed the event was to a number of people way less than her friends list. Now, I barely even know the girl, met her fiance once, never have seen the baby (she gave birth), and haven’t even talked to her since that other friend’s wedding. I feel like she’s just trying to get presents (as was my other friend, who included her registry information in her invitation and actually asked me if I thought it was a good idea to write “cash only gifts please” on the invitation!!!!) Is it mean of me to not give my address? I don’t want to be invited! I feel like if I get invited and decline the invite, then I still have to send a present… which according to you is also wrong because gifts should not be expected by the couple.

Please let me know how I can handle this if I get personally asked for my address so an invitation can be mailed. I’m just so sick of random people inviting me to their weddings that I barely know so they can get more presents. 0207-12

Why on earth are you friended with a person you barely know and clearly have no interest in getting to know better?   Delete her off your friend list will solve a lot of problems immediately.

Ignore the request for an address.  Just because someone emails or posts something to Facebook does not mean everyone sees it.   And if you get pressured to give your address, and you do, and assuming you receive a wedding invitation, RSVP that you will not be attending.   It’s as simple as that.

This Facebook status above recently appeared on a friend’s status.  I think we could make the argument that bragging about your good manners is, in itself, bad manners, and people raised to be tactful do not go publicizing this in a way that is not tactful.   It could be argued that people have the right to make whatever declarations they wish from the pulpit of their Facebook status as well.  I draw the line of free expression at using it to manipulate people into taking action that serves the purposes only of the manipulator.   I cannot begin to say how offensive this Facebook Status  is.  To declare that people who do not re-post the statement into their own statuses must be proof of their poor upbringing is over the top in guilt manipulation and wrong assumptions.  It casts aspersions on every parent out there.   I do not see any positive value that would edify people who read it.  It furthers nothing but arrogance and disdain.

I’ve finally opted to block the person on my friend list who keeps publishing these manipulative declarations to her Facebook status. A prior private appeal to stop has gone unheeded and to be honest, I choose to not expose myself to people who seem intent on promoting the negative as opposed to being a positive influence.