Frenemies – Page 2 – Etiquette Hell

Expectations Are Premeditated Resentments

January 22, 2015admin151 Comments

My husband and I were comfortable financially. A dear friend hit hard times and we gave her some money. She did not ask but I knew it was needed. She cried and said we were lifesavers.

My husband lost his job a couple of years after that. We used our savings and credit cards up and just got by. My husband finally got a good job but we were deeply in debt and struggled to make our monthly payments.

My friend came into a large sum of money right at that point and they took a big vacation, and bought many luxury items. She knew we were struggling to make ends meet and while she sympathized, she never once offered to do for us what we had done for her.

We took steps to get our debt cleared up and are once again financially stable but I can hardly look at my friend these days. They live only a couple of blocks from us. We used to have coffee together almost every single day and got together a couple of times a month with our husbands for card nights but I have made enough excuses that she has stopped asking. We do still talk on the phone occasionally.

Do I let her know how hurt I am? 0119-15

The timing of this story submission coincides well with my intention to discuss the topic of expectations we all have in regards to our relationships with other people. I had recently heard or read an interesting phase which I believe sums up the dangers of having expectations that people owe you something.

“Expectations are premeditated resentments.”

My mother used to say that we are not disappointed because we got too little but that we expected too much. Oh, how true. Expectations are unspoken contracts we place on others and when they fail to live up to the demands of this contract, when our expectations are not met, we feel justified in resenting the other person for failing to live up to the expectations placed on them.

So, dear OP, you gave your friend a gift which had unseen and unknown strings attached to it. Upon handing your friend money, you promptly placed a contract upon her that she was not aware of and when she failed to honor the terms of your expectations, you resented it. Expectations are premeditated resentments because the bottom line, the harsh reality, is that people can, do and will let you down. YOu set your friend up for failure because you assumed she would and should reciprocate in the exact same way should you ever have the same need some day. In essence, you really didn’t give her a gift, you used her as a bank to store money with the expectation that your friend would return it some day when you needed it. The problem is, she was not aware that your gift came with these expectations and now you resent her for not knowing the terms of your expectation.

You could talk with your friend to express to her how hurt you feel but what you will do is expose the fact that while she never asked for nor expected any money from you, you most certainly did have expectations that you not only deserved part of her good fortune but when she did not deliver what you felt she owed you, you resented her for not reading your mind. You won’t come out smelling of roses, OP. I suggest changing your perspective and viewing your infusion of cash as a true gift and needed charity at a time when someone was needy and further, divest yourself of the expectation that this friend, or anyone for the matter, owes you money when you might be in similar circumstances. You will be a happier person with no expectations that people owe you anything other than gratitude for the gifts you give.

The Doormat Awards Needed

April 30, 2014April 29, 2014admin72 Comments

My husband and I got married a couple of months ago, it was a very small wedding with only close friends. We went away the week after for our honeymoon and after we arrived back my friend came over to visit us. And didn’t leave for about 3 weeks.

This friend was at the wedding, she split up with her ex in December and had since been living at her parents’ house, rent free, and they paid off her debts. So basically she had over 3 months to save up money to find her own place.

Whilst staying with us she borrowed money from me, managed to quit her job, fell out with her parents, went about bitching about me (not my husband). We did not invite her to stay with us – she moaned to a mutual friend that she thought it was inappropriate that me and my husband cuddled on the couch to watch TV in the evening, her words were, “I don’t need to see that, they should have more respect for me when I am a guest in their home.”

She left my house one night and sent me a bitchy text about the way I apparently spoke to her. I apologized and found out while she was away she had told a lie that caused trouble between my BIL and his flat mate. I stopped answering her calls because I was too angry to speak to her and she sent me a text telling me I had to “justify” myself to her. I replied that she had crossed a line and she told me I would regret speaking to her that way. She also Facebooked my mum to ask her about me.

Whilst talking to a mutual friend (who has had a fallen out with her due to her borrowing her car, lying about insuring it for her to use and drink driving in it) I suddenly pieced together why she was staying with me – it wasn’t for me, it was for my husband. She had taken sneaky photos of him and even started referring to him by a pet name I use for him!

She owes me about £200, should I just write that off or ask for it back? 0425-14

OP, you and your husband are doormats and everything that has happened to you is due entirely to your lack of a spine of any kind. You have “Walk All Over Me” written in invisible ink on your foreheads. When this “friend” tried to overstay her welcome on her first visit to see you after you arrived home from the honeymoon, you should have politely but firmly shown her the door while yawning uncontrollably. Under no circumstances should her luggage have walked through the door without an incredulous, “What is that?”, followed by an equally incredulous, “You are doing what in our house?”

Boundaries are a good thing. Ponder and consider your personal and married boundaries and then enforce the boundaries. Not caving in to an uninvited house guests, no lending money to deadbeats, no photos of us in our home, would be a good start to the list of boundary lines. Forget the $200 since trying to retrieve it would involve interacting with a loon and give fodder for more drama. Some things in life just aren’t worth the price of the theatrical drama. Chalk it up to the price of a lesson learned.

Dear readers, is there anyone out there who can make me a custom image of an Ehell doormat? I really, really need one because it is submitted stories such as this that are just screaming to receive an official Ehell Doormat Award. In the interim, I’ll just have to link to these images…..

Teaching Your Child To Not Be The Victim

November 6, 2013November 5, 2013admin119 Comments

My daughter Em is in 5th grade at a fairly small private school. We moved to the area three years ago, and quickly realized that the girls in her class are exceptionally clique-y. She has done a good job of making friends since second grade, and feels comfortable with her classmates, but the dynamic hasn’t changed much, especially for new students.

Last year, a new little girl came to the school and apparently had a very hard time making friends. We will call her Lizzie. I encouraged Em to try and be friendly with Lizzie, knowing that it can be hard for ‘the new kid.’ Em would routinely come home with stories of Lizzie getting into loud, vicious arguments with basically everyone in the class, and said she wasn’t comfortable pursuing a friendship with her because she wasn’t nice. I let it go, and told Em that as long as she wasn’t actively being mean to anyone, she didn’t have to hang out with Lizzie.

At the beginning of this year, I was at Back to School Night and met a woman who turned out to be Lizzie’s mom. She launched into long, complicated tale of how she moved here to escape Lizzie’s abusive father and to get medical treatment for Lizzie’s rare cancer at the children’s hospital in the city. She told me that Lizzie had a hard time in fourth grade but all she really wanted was a friend, and that she was really very sweet but scared and sick and that manifested itself as her being aggressive. She gave me her phone number and asked if we could try to get the girls together.

I went home and had a long talk with Em about Lizzie, and we suggested that maybe she would be nicer if she had some close friends to spend time with, that she probably felt like an outsider and was just hostile because she had a hard life. Em resolved to try to be her friend, and I was privately very proud that she had decided to show compassion and kindness to someone who was not particularly nice to her without my prompting.

Well, that was two months ago, and I cannot even begin to describe what an absolute disaster it’s been. Lizzie is by turns outright cruel to Em, ignores her, obsessively calls her and follows her around, and then the cycle begins again. She will send her a nasty text messages saying that Em is a stupid loser and that she is embarrassed to be seen with her, and then she will call her an hour later and invite her stay the night. The next week at school, Em will say hi to her, and she will tell her that in school they shouldn’t speak because she only wants to talk to ‘popular’ kids. She has pulled her chair out from under Em at lunch, and accused her of stealing from her desk, and been generally terrible. Em has decided that she is just going to ignore her, and I agree.

Unfortunately, Lizzie’s mom still texts or calls frequently to get the girls together, and I am torn whether to just sort of give her the brush off, or to actually tell her how Lizzie is acting and because of that, Em doesn’t wish to be her friend.

I have contacted the school, and they are no help, they ‘make it their policy not to get involved in playground disputes.’ So it’s basically up to me to either ignore this woman, which I don’t feel is right, or to add to her already significant burden by telling her that her sick daughter is acting improperly. It’s my opinion that those who seem the least lovable are the most in need of love, but I don’t want to teach my daughter to be a doormat. Help! 1103-13

I know some parents will try to use other children to address behavioral issues with their own….BTDT. Years ago a mother told me how much she loved when our DSs got together because mine was such a good influence on hers and she proceeded to tell me of her son’s problems. Hmmmm…… I wasn’t aware there were behavior issues with the other boy and subsequently began to scale back the amount of time the boys were together in the belief that it is not my pre-teen kid’s job to be a supervisor, cop, teacher or in any way responsible for training another person’s child.

Lizzie needs professional counseling because she is profoundly angry at the world for dealing her a harsh hand. Her father is abusive and she must deal with the stress of cancer which is hard enough as an adult, let alone by a child. Lizzie cannot control much about her life so she is being manipulative to control other people’s emotions and lives. It’s sad and she needs help.* Lizzie’s mother needs to be made aware of what it looks like from the “friend of my daughter” perspective and why her daughter is having such a hard time making friends. You are not doing Lizzie or her mother any favors by being discreet regarding Lizzie’s behavior.

Train your daughter to recognize the source of certain behaviors and how to confront bad behavior from alleged “friends” because Lizzie will not be the last manipulative person Em will encounter in her life. Lizzie is the type of manipulative person who tells two different narratives which confuses the intended victim. Lizzie is exercising power over Em by jerking her back and forth emotionally. Em needs to learn to recognize when this happens and basically call the manipulative bluff by forcing Lizzie to be honest to one narrative only. For example, being invited for a stay over hours after receiving a nasty text message….Em can respond as follows, “Lizzie, you are being manipulative and I am not playing this game. I won’t be jerked around by you this way. You texted me that you were embarrassed to be seen with me and I am taking you at your word that this is how you view our relationship so I am declining your insincere offer to stay over tonight.” Ditto for the “shouldn’t speak (to me) because she only wants to talk to ‘popular’ kids” scenario. Once Lizzie has played this manipulative card, Em can rebuff future friendly overtures as both insincere and yet another avenue to manipulate her emotionally. Em takes control of her life back and learns how to be the one who determines the outcome of a difficult manipulation attempt.

*Suggest to Lizzie’s mom that she look into a therapeutic horseback riding program. It’s not just for people with physical disabilities. There is something about handling a 1000+pound animal that is good for the soul of a troubled child. It is a large, powerful creature that can be controlled when everything else feels out of control. Horses are very honest and will give you exactly what you input into them, i.e. try to be manipulative by asking the horse to go forward with the legs but not go forward with the reins and you’ll likely get bucked off because that is exactly what you told the horse to do. You’ve commanded it to move in the only direction it can…up. Kids learn to respect the horse as a partner and that partnership can yield wonderful results.

“Please Fund My Bad Planning And Lifestyle Choices”

October 21, 2013admin93 Comments

This is partly a rant and partly an etiquette question.

An acquaintance has been on a crowdfunding site, trying to raise money for her family to move to a nicer house. The place where they have been living is, I agree, substandard, and the kids need a safer place to live. Having said that, this is not the first time she and her partner have been emailing friends, on Facebook, etc., asking for help repeatedly to feed, clothe, and house their children.

We all have times in our lives when we need help, and usually I am glad to help a friend, and grateful when friends help me. But here’s the rub: this woman also posts frequently on Facebook about, and shows her friends, the vacations she has taken, the restaurants she has been to, the gadgets she has bought, etc. Oh, and that’s not to mention the fertility treatments they’ve been funding so that they can have a third child. She and her partner seem incapable of planning ahead and putting money away for a rainy day for the kids they already have. And they don’t seem embarrassed to ask others to bail them out when they run into problems — which is often.

The rant is that our family also has large medical bills right now, but instead of taking vacations, buying trinkets, and eating out, for the most part we have buckled down, worked overtime, and generally taken care of business as much as possible. So to see ten or twelve Facebook posts in two weeks (really!) imploring people over and over to PLEASE help their family, when I know they have been blowing money elsewhere, is infuriating to me.

The question is this: This woman has started privately emailing mutual friends to ask them to send money. I know etiquette doesn’t require that we give money. In my case, right now I actually can’t afford to help. However, some mutual friends could afford to, but are offended that she would ask, under the circumstances. Does etiquette require them to lie and say they have no money to spare? Or can they tell her why? She is a pushy person and I can’t imagine she would accept an answer like, “Because it just isn’t possible.” She will ask why not. Can they level with her? (I know some of them, at least, feel the same way I do.) Several of us are so frustrated with this couple right now, I don’t think we can make an objective call on this. If she asks me, I don’t want to be cruel, but I feel partly like if no one is willing to say “This isn’t appropriate,” she’ll never know. 1021-13

You and your friends are under no obligation, whatsoever, to give one dime to this so-called “friend” who has no shame about begging. You also have no obligation to explain your financial decisions or financial status to her because to do so gives her a foot in the door to demand to know more about your financial health and why you are not sharing it with her. You are under no obligation to respond to the emails she sends that border on coercion and guilt manipulation to get what she wants. I would personally delete these emails unanswered.

It is not lying to say, “There is no money in my budget to help you,” because your money is allocated to specific budget categories and there doesn’t happen to be a budget category called “Alms Fund For Pushy, Begging Friends” and if there were, there is no money earmarked for that category.

As for speaking to her, if the relationship can sustain that kind of truth, have at it. I suspect that she will not be receptive to your message. People who have an entitlement attitude that they are owed the fruits of other people’s hard earned money are not often swayed by reasonable discussion about tightening their own belts. Ehell has seen its share of people who believe that everyone deserves the best things in life at someone else’s expense and without working hard to achieve them. People prioritize their money and your friend” values vacations, gadgets and dining out as higher priority than saving for a home and what is worse, in my opinion, is that this “friend” is not above using guilt to her advantage. It’s kind of astonishing if you think about it…this is a person who is far ore comfortable with bullying friends into coughing up money than she is with the prospect of knuckling down and working to save that money. I hate to be cynical and pessimistic but I don’t think telling her “This isn’t appropriate” will have any effect on her. Give us an update if it does.

Banded Badness

September 10, 2013September 9, 2013admin93 Comments

I have an exceedingly awkward, and (for me, at least) one that is also, to put it bluntly, humiliating. And I have absolutely no idea how to handle it well, having never encountered such awful behavior EVER (maybe I’ve just been extremely lucky?).

Here is necessary background: a little over a year ago, I was briefly – for approximately two months, maybe? – romantically entangled with a guy who I will call “N”. He is in his early 40s, I was at the time 23, and I am now 24. I add the ages because I really feel that despite the age gap, out of the two of us, I handled our relationship – and actually, life at large -in a far more mature manner than he. The relationship was not healthy (he wasn’t abusive or anything, but it was just not good) and at the time I was in a very bad place, so after we’d been seeing each other for a bit I broke things off with him. I tried to do so in as peaceful and friendly manner as possible, however, N took it very badly, and in fact for at least a month after was veering toward being a stalker. Eventually he settled down, and we went our separate ways. This was May of 2012.

At the beginning of August, after having flown solo since seeing N, I (quite literally) randomly met a wonderful man – call him J – who, in horrible coincidence, just happened to be a member of a band that N is also in. I had never met or seen J while I was dating N, so this really was just a terrible coincidence. J and I started dating, and while it was clear to us that N was very jealous, he seemed to be controlling himself very well. J and I are also closer in age – he just recently turned 30. I saw N occasionally when I went to one of their band’s concerts, and (I thought, anyway) that we now had a civil acquaintance going on. Of course I was wrong! That would make things entirely too peaceful, as you will soon see.

In December, I became pregnant. It was a surprise, but J and I decided to raise our child together. When he saw me at one of their concerts, N even very sweetly congratulated me/us and said he wished us all the best. Then rather suddenly, J declared that he didn’t want me to attend any of their concerts again, since N would be there. I was confused – J knew perfectly well that I had no romantic interest in N – and after I continued poking at him, he confessed that N had (for quite some time) been making comments to J about how he hoped J was enjoying the ‘sloppy seconds’ and other equally crude and disrespectful statements, all regarding J and I’s relationship. I wanted to immediately contact N and give him what-for, but J requested I just let it be…so I grit my teeth and did so, hoping that if N continued to get no reaction he would stop.

Instead of stopping, N has now crossed a line that I find absolutely impossible to ignore. At their band practice this past week, he first greeted J by asking, “So, how’s N Jr.?”, implying that the child I am carrying is a.) Not J’s, and b). That he is still in some kind of relationship with me. J tried to play it off by reminding N that actually, our baby is a SHE, and SHE is doing just fine. N then proceeded to make a series of lewd comments involving our unborn daughter – the detail is totally inappropriate to share, but suffice to say it involved what might happen once our daughter turns 16 since that’s the age of consent….yes, it was that bad and worse.

My gut instinct is to do actual physical harm to N – it’s one thing to needle J about me. I can deal with that. But this is just….beyond unacceptable. Clearly ignoring his comments will not work, J does not want to confront N himself for a few different reasons (which are all very rational and acceptable to me), and I am just at an absolute loss as to how to handle this. Please help! I want to handle this with class, but still make it crystal clear to N that the comments WILL stop. Short of hiring a hitman (no, I’m kidding), I don’t know how. Thank you in advance for all assistance, and you have my utmost gratitude. Sorry this was so long! 0615-13

If N is as bad you claim, one wonders why J is not doing whatever is necessary to protect his family which could well include leaving the band to join another one and moving his small family a distance away. And I wonder why the other band members appear to have no influence on N’s behavior towards another band member….the band sounds dysfunctional if that kind of relationship interaction is allowed to continue. J and N go to work playing in a band yet there is no professional courtesy, civility or demeanor that this band’s members appear to uphold. Isn’t there a band leader/organizer who can control the actions and words of N because to not do so creates a hostile work environment and guarantees the band will never achieve success with so much relational strife going on.