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Tag: Gratitude

Do Ya Want It?

admin70 Comments

In light of a recent entry entitled, “It’s The Thought That Count,” which paints the picture of a woman being asked if she has a certain kind of teapot to which she responds “No,” and is very much not looking forward to receiving said gift, I sort of ran into a similar situation just today. My mother-in-law was out shopping for my son (of her own accord, probably for Christmas) and asks me if my parents ride Harley motorcycles (they do) because she’s found a cute Harley Davidson vest for my son. I’m not sure how to respond at first because I don’t fancy putting my active 1.5 year old in fussier clothing like vests, turtle necks, button up shirts etc. I keep it very simple with my son because that’s what works for us. I know I would NEVER put my son in this vest and would probably promptly donate the item upon receiving it.

She asks again because she’s at the store, and I respond “I’d say no just because I would probably never put him in a Harley vest,” not said rudely at all, and she responds OK and that’s that. But I later asked my husband if it’s rude to deny a gift if someone outright asks you, “Do you want this?” What is the etiquette there? Is it OK to say no, and if so, should we give reason/justification? And I’m not talking about, “Hey do you want my old toaster?”, but more, “Hey I’m at the store, do you want me to buy you this such-in-such?” Thanks!  1121-14

I ask my adult kids  if they prefer a specific item I am considering buying as a gift.   I do it quite frequently, too, because as they have grown older, moved out of the house and married, I am less sure of their preferences and needs.   I ask  my new daughter-in-law more than others lately because I do not know her tastes very well and I don’t want to waste money buying something she will feel obligated to use when she would rather not.    But our gift giving tends to be more spontaneous and not secretive so our style of gifting easily supports this open and frank discussion regarding preferences.

And in regards to buying items for grandchildren, I always ask ahead of time because I do not assume to know what my children’s preferences are in rearing their kids.   I remember receiving what I considered to be prostitot clothing for my then 18 month old daughter years ago and refusing to use them so now that it is my turn to be grandmom, I don’t make that same mistake in assuming.

If someone pointedly asks you, “Would you like/want this?”, you are quite free to be honest and say, “Thank you for asking but I don’t need it/doesn’t fit my decor/it’s not my style/I have too many/I have enough/etc. Thank you for thinking of me.”

“It’s The Thought That Counts”

admin195 Comments

I was having a nice chat with a friend on the phone the other day. We don’t know each other very well, but see each other at parties maybe twice a year, and I really like her. Out of nowhere she said, “Do you have a teapot in the shape of a bird?” (she knows I’m a keen bird watcher).

I replied, “No I haven’t”, but I really wanted to add, “..and I wouldn’t want one. I hate that kind of thing!” But of course I didn’t. She sounded delighted and excited with my response, and said, “Ah, then wait till the next time I see you!”.

I’m sure you can see what’s coming. She’s been to a charity shop and found a cheap novelty teapot in the shape of a bird, remembered I like birds and bought it for me. Unfortunately I hate novelty nik-nacks of all kinds. I know some people love them, but I won’t have them in the house. I realize I sound ungrateful, but when she next comes round I’ll have to pretend to be delighted with the gift, so that she’ll be happy she bought it for me, then keep it for a couple of years in case she asks where it is, all the time hating the darned thing and resenting having to look after it.

This isn’t an unusual situation, I know. How could I have politely let her know on the phone that I don’t want this gift? And now how can I receive the gift in a way that let’s her know I like her, and appreciate the thought, but without opening the flood gates to more?

Any advice, gratefully received. 1103-14

I think you are missing the hidden jewel of your dilemma and are focusing on making a mountain from an ant hill.   There are lonely people in this world who would be thrilled that someone, anyone, would have been thinking of them in the midst of their daily life and then taken the extraordinary step of buying a gift the giver felt would be appreciated.  There is not one hint of malice, evil, selfishness or unkindness in what your friend has done that deserves your dread and hatred of the gift.

It may be a cliche to say that “it is the thought that counts” but you would do well to ponder this more fully.   From my perspective, you are entirely viewing this as to how it inconveniences you and focusing on the material.  As I get older, I have become less enamored with material possessions and more appreciative of acts of thoughtfulness and kindness from people.  But there are material possessions that are so intertwined with someone’s thoughtfulness and kindness that I cannot bear to part with them.  As I type I am looking at a small glass rose sitting right under my monitor.  I hate glass work and would never buy it for myself but someone dear gave that to me and every time I see it, I see love.

You can pitch the teapot in the trash as that is your prerogative as the gift recipient but I would suggest examining the potential of deepening this friendship with this person who thinks of you when she’s out shopping.  I read a lot of submitted stories to Ehell from lonely, sad people who cannot seem to find someone worthy of friendship and here you are with someone practically in your lap and you want advice on how to rid yourself of this problem.  There is no polite way to tell someone you do not want their gifts of thoughtfulness.

Cheapest Thank You Note

admin174 Comments

After sitting with this situation for a few months, I thought you and the E-Hellions might be able to use this story as an example of how to make a Thank You note feel as cheap as possible…

I was recently invited to the baby shower of a relative, Amy. Seeing as I was unable to attend, I declined the invitation and asked the hostess (mommy-to-be, Amy’s mother, Anna Marie) where I could mail a gift. Anna Marie never responded with an address so I pulled Amy’s address from my book. I purchased some gifts from the registry, added in a few personal selections, wrapped them in cute themed gift wrap, and planned to mail them to the expectant parents. I decided to wait until the day before the event to send them so I wouldn’t ruin the surprise of the shower.

On the evening of the shower, I received a call from another relative who was able to attend the event. She was appalled that when she presented her gift, Amy’s sister-in-law checked her name off on a clipboard and handed her a pre-printed postcard that stated: “Thank you for the shower gift, we know that we will use it. We appreciate your thoughtfulness and the time you took to choose it!” The card was signed with the names of the expecting parents, but appears to be signed in Anna Marie’s handwriting! My upset confidant said that Amy refused to open the shower gifts in front of the group at the shower, counter to family tradition. I wondered aloud if maybe a more personalized thank you note would follow the private gift-opening.

Four months go by and the baby has arrived, healthy and adorable. I receive a post card with a lovely picture of the newborn on one side… and the pre-printed poem on the other: “Thank you for the shower gift, we know that we will use it. We appreciate your thoughtfulness and the time you took to choose it!” Again the note is signed with the parents’ names, but appears to be in Anna Maria’s handwriting and was mailed using Anna Maria’s return address. I hear from my relative who originally mentioned the cards that she received the same thing- a duplicate of the impersonal Thank You postcard. At least the poem writer knew we would choose useful, thoughtful gifts!

I have included an edited screenshot of the poem. The now blurred area contained the names of Poem Baby’s parents. 0812-14

It is Possible To Have An Entitled Expectation That Others Behave Politely

admin67 Comments

Not a story, but more a question regarding door-holding etiquette and who owes what. I used to have this disagreement with an old boyfriend on a fairly regular basis, and was wondering if the admin and commenters could weigh in, out of curiosity for what the “right” answer is. My ex found it unacceptably rude if, after someone held a door open for him, they didn’t respond to his “Thank you” with “You’re welcome.” I was of the opinion that having already done you one favour by holding the door, the stranger is in the clear, so to speak, and owes you nothing. Especially if they respond in another way, like smiling or nodding or something. It seemed very demanding to me to insist that someone who has already do e something nice for you must then go through an extra little song and dance to keep their politeness from being rude. But my ex would grumble and huff about it later and insist that thanks deserve recognition, and by not responding “correctly” the door-holder was being rude and disrespectful. Who was in the right? 0726-14

If one goes through life expecting to be rewarded for good manners, I think the likelihood of chronic disappointment and disillusionment is highly probable.   We should behave in a kind, civil manner because it edifies the individual, it feels good, and there is the intrinsic satisfaction of doing something that contributes to the overall good.    Your ex has a fairly shallow and superficial reason for why he acts politely in society…when people respond the way he believes they should, he gets an immediate “reward” and if they do not, he grouses about it meaning he is, at least, ungracious.

The Burden Of Gratitude

admin98 Comments

Is there such a thing as a Thank You note from hell?

This year two young guys we know graduated high school (both are 17 years old). One was a family friend, the other was a close relative. We gave them both a card with the same amount of cash in it as a gift. A couple weeks later we received a nice, handwritten thank you from the family friend, who told us a bit about what was in his future and how he was doing otherwise and of course, thanking us for the gift. A couple days later we received the thank you note from the relative.

First off, the address on the envelope was handwritten by his mother. (I know his mother well, so I knew it was her writing.) The thank you note was custom made and on the inside was printed a general thank you (thank you for your kindness, blah blah blah). Printed. In it, the boy wrote, “Love, Jack.” Obviously his mother made up all the notes and addressed all of them herself, and just had her son write “Love, Jack” inside all of them. I was very put off by that thank you, especially since he is a CLOSE relative, you would have figured he’d write a little more.

Later I’m with his mother and she is belly-aching about ALL of the thank you notes that they had to send out. And how it was SUCH a burden because there were SO MANY. They had to split it up and do 10 cards a day. The kid received probably close to $2,000 and she is complaining about having to send out thank yous?!?! Maybe the mom deserves Etiquette Hell more than the kid? 0627-14

People who gripe about the work needed to write and send thank you notes are greedy, lazy gimme pigs who want something for nothing.    They write those notes because they fear the negative feedback if they didn’t but they grumble and whine about it while doing as little as possible to get the job done.   I once told a young woman who similarly griped about having to write thank you notes, “Had I known how deeply offended you would be with the burden of gratitude upon receiving so many nice gifts,  I would have not added to your distress .”

And then there are the happy thank you note stories…

Hi EHell!
I recently had a great experience and wanted to share it with you. This season my mother’s family saw two high school graduations and three college graduations within eight weeks. We are so proud of all our graduates! But too much celebrating can wear anybody out, so Mom and one of the aunts hosted a combined party for all five. We have a big family, so the party was really hopping, and all five graduates found themselves with more congratulatory cards then they could fit in their respective pockets and purses. As for me, I only left the nest a few short years ago, so I know how nervous my cousins must be! I was able to pull together $20 for each graduating cousin, a small token compared to what I knew they’d be gifted with by some more established family members. Each one gave me a quick hug and “thanks” upon receiving their card, and made sure to socialize with every table at the party.  It was a great way to spend a Saturday night. Imagine my delight when, the following Wednesday back in my city, I find a thank you card in the mail! A thoughtful, handwritten note thanking me for making the trip, for the “completely unnecessary” gift and the kind words I had written to this particular cousin. By the end of the week, I had another thoughtful, handwritten thank-you from another graduating cousin! Maybe it’s tacky of me to be impressed by my own relatives, but I’m so happy to see such good etiquette right at the beginning of adulthood. 0529-14