E-Hell, please help with a gift gimme problem! As we all know the holidays are coming up and Christmas presents are to be bought. My husband and I had a baby this year who was the result of a very difficult pregnancy and long NICU stay. As such, this year we’ve decided we would love to make homemade gifts and goodies for our family instead of buying store-bought gifts to save money. (Also, we both have a lot of siblings). I don’t think there would be too much objection to this, except perhaps by my husband’s step-mom. Last year, as I was new to the family she was explaining to me how the ‘older kids’ (her step-kids) do gifts (secret Santa) and then proceeded to tell me, “Of course you would still get Dan and Ethan their own gifts.” Dan and Ethan are her two younger sons who are spoiled beyond spoiled and have absolutely everything. Most people just gift them with gift cards or money, which is what we did last year.
This year though, we are struggling to figure out what to do. We honestly don’t think Dan and Ethan could care less what we get them, but their mom is insistent that they be given a gift from everyone in the family. I personally don’t want to get them anything, especially since we will be making our gifts this year (which they certainly will not appreciate) and we don’t want to then spend $20 on each boy when we aren’t doing that with anyone else in the family. I am afraid of the backlash from their mom, but we really want to keep it super simple and cheap this year. Any thoughts on how to combat gimme pig syndrome over the holidays? 1105-13
Tag: Greed
“Please Fund My Bad Planning And Lifestyle Choices”
This is partly a rant and partly an etiquette question.
An acquaintance has been on a crowdfunding site, trying to raise money for her family to move to a nicer house. The place where they have been living is, I agree, substandard, and the kids need a safer place to live. Having said that, this is not the first time she and her partner have been emailing friends, on Facebook, etc., asking for help repeatedly to feed, clothe, and house their children.
We all have times in our lives when we need help, and usually I am glad to help a friend, and grateful when friends help me. But here’s the rub: this woman also posts frequently on Facebook about, and shows her friends, the vacations she has taken, the restaurants she has been to, the gadgets she has bought, etc. Oh, and that’s not to mention the fertility treatments they’ve been funding so that they can have a third child. She and her partner seem incapable of planning ahead and putting money away for a rainy day for the kids they already have. And they don’t seem embarrassed to ask others to bail them out when they run into problems — which is often.
The rant is that our family also has large medical bills right now, but instead of taking vacations, buying trinkets, and eating out, for the most part we have buckled down, worked overtime, and generally taken care of business as much as possible. So to see ten or twelve Facebook posts in two weeks (really!) imploring people over and over to PLEASE help their family, when I know they have been blowing money elsewhere, is infuriating to me.
The question is this: This woman has started privately emailing mutual friends to ask them to send money. I know etiquette doesn’t require that we give money. In my case, right now I actually can’t afford to help. However, some mutual friends could afford to, but are offended that she would ask, under the circumstances. Does etiquette require them to lie and say they have no money to spare? Or can they tell her why? She is a pushy person and I can’t imagine she would accept an answer like, “Because it just isn’t possible.” She will ask why not. Can they level with her? (I know some of them, at least, feel the same way I do.) Several of us are so frustrated with this couple right now, I don’t think we can make an objective call on this. If she asks me, I don’t want to be cruel, but I feel partly like if no one is willing to say “This isn’t appropriate,” she’ll never know. 1021-13
You and your friends are under no obligation, whatsoever, to give one dime to this so-called “friend” who has no shame about begging. You also have no obligation to explain your financial decisions or financial status to her because to do so gives her a foot in the door to demand to know more about your financial health and why you are not sharing it with her. You are under no obligation to respond to the emails she sends that border on coercion and guilt manipulation to get what she wants. I would personally delete these emails unanswered.
It is not lying to say, “There is no money in my budget to help you,” because your money is allocated to specific budget categories and there doesn’t happen to be a budget category called “Alms Fund For Pushy, Begging Friends” and if there were, there is no money earmarked for that category.
As for speaking to her, if the relationship can sustain that kind of truth, have at it. I suspect that she will not be receptive to your message. People who have an entitlement attitude that they are owed the fruits of other people’s hard earned money are not often swayed by reasonable discussion about tightening their own belts. Ehell has seen its share of people who believe that everyone deserves the best things in life at someone else’s expense and without working hard to achieve them. People prioritize their money and your friend” values vacations, gadgets and dining out as higher priority than saving for a home and what is worse, in my opinion, is that this “friend” is not above using guilt to her advantage. It’s kind of astonishing if you think about it…this is a person who is far ore comfortable with bullying friends into coughing up money than she is with the prospect of knuckling down and working to save that money. I hate to be cynical and pessimistic but I don’t think telling her “This isn’t appropriate” will have any effect on her. Give us an update if it does.
Jump To The Head Of The Line, Disney Disabled Style
Some wealthy Manhattan moms have figured out a way to cut the long lines at Disney World — by hiring disabled people to pose as family members so they and their kids can jump to the front. By hiring non-Disney disabled tour guides, otherwise able bodied families benefit by jumping to the head of lines because handicapped guests in scooters or wheelchairs and up to six family members are often sent straight to an auxiliary entrance at the front of each attraction.
Read more about it HERE.
I use a scooter when I go to theme parks because my hip would never survive an entire day of walking. I last visited EPCOT in 2011, rented a three wheeled scooter but I don’t recall being shuttled to the head of the line. There were special gates for easier access by wheelchairs and scooters to the attraction and some rides require a cast member to move the scooter/wheelchair from the entrance area to a totally different exit area. However I recall waiting in line just like everyone else until we reached the head of the line. Particularly at Living Seas where I wound my way through the long lines with the rest of the waiting guests. Ditto for Test Track, the water ride in the Mexican pavilion and Norway’s Maelstrom. It may be different at the Magic Kingdom but 2 years ago at EPCOT I did not experience any benefit of being in a scooter other than the obvious one of sitting through most of my visit as opposed to standing. Considering that the article contains an obvious rant against the “1%”, I question whether this story is even accurate based on the bias being demonstrated instead of straight, factual reporting.
To Call Out The Gimme Pig Or Not
I have a friend that is 15 years younger than me (she is a sophomore in college). We go to the same church and are in the same Bible study together. I have gone out of my way to help her financially a few times (giving her gas money to get to/from Bible study). She has also sought my advice on several occasions and has told me that she thinks of me as a “cool big sister”. When she came to my house for Bible study she told me that she thought I was a classy lady and that she wanted to be like me. This compliment really warmed my heart and I take pride in taking her “under my wing”.
She posted the following on a social media web site today:
Hey Friends & Family. My 21st Birthday is on Wednesday, and whoever would like to donate/give a gift of cash for the college student inbox me and I can give you my banking info! Thanks in advance lol. Whoever doesn’t have it… I understand and I still love you mucho! Have a great day.
I was mortified to read this. She has expressed in Bible study and individually to me that she wants to grow up to be an upstanding and quality woman. With these intentions being stated multiple times and seeing this post, I thought to myself that maybe she just didn’t KNOW how rude this type of post was. I decided to write her a kind email, gently letting her know that this type of thing is not very nice and does not bode well for her in becoming the lady she is striving to be.
I normally do not correct people with bad etiquette, but I thought this was a special case. I carefully crafted the following email to her:
Hey girl. I just wanted to drop you a line about something. You know I love you and I’m saying this in complete Christian love.
It is not viewed as polite or good manners to solicit money or gifts. I know it’s your birthday and you are excited, but those that love you and care about you will make your day special to the best of their ability. It is viewed as tacky for a person to request cash or gifts (particularly a generic message on a forum like this).
I’m just telling you this because you may not know that it’s viewed that way. I know you are young and may not know these types of things. When I got married I made some big etiquette blunders that I didn’t know were bad manners at the time and I am still embarrassed about it, years later. I’m just passing on some wisdom so that you can avoid embarrassment in the future.
I hope you will take this advice/wisdom with the love in which it was intended.
I know you strive to be an upstanding young lady, and I want you to be as well.
In the meantime, I hope you have a wonderful birthday 🙂Her response, which quite frankly shocked me:
Well thanks but I don’t care if you think it’s tacky seeing as how I’ve gotten 100 dollars since that post from people back home who weren’t aware of my birthday. Also seeing as how you and I haven’t spoken since Bible study so I don’t think it’s your duty to give your opinion. If its putting $ in my pocket and my family and FRIENDS don’t feel offended its all good.
Ps. I am in no way embarrassed and I don’t think I should be.
I simply responded with:
Thank you for your comments. Have a good day.
I know that at this point she cannot be “saved” from Etiquette Hell, so there was no point in getting into any further discussion about it. I let it be.
My question is, was I out of line in passing on this wisdom to her? 0308-13
Your young friend is part of the growing culture of people who believe in their God-given right to honor themselves shamelessly on their personal special occasions. For them, friends and family are simply too stupid or ignorant of their special day and must therefore be reminded and guided as to how best to honor them with well wishes and especially cash. Unfortunately her family has rewarded her tackiness and it will probably become an annual tradition.
As to whether you should have privately rebuked her for her tackiness, the question boils down to relationships. There are people I may gently inform of their impending faux pas because the depth of the relationship can support it. Even then there is a hesitancy to offer advice when none has been requested. People who care, and that is the important point, will seek you out to find out if something they want to do or have done is bad etiquette. You cannot make people behave. You can only control yourself. You have discovered that your relationship with young friend does not support any kind of input into her manners and that she views her relationship to you as her “pulling” data or advice from you when she wants it but that you are not to “push” it in any way.
Namesake Heirloom
I was named after my grandmother (my middle name is her first name), who was named after her grandmother, who was named after her grandmother. We share a lovely, if uncommon, name. When I was a child, my grandmother showed me a lovely pendant inscribed with our shared name. She told me stories about the other women who shared our name, and I always looked forward to the day that it would be mine. Four years ago, on the eve of my wedding, my grandmother gave me the pendant. I wore it under my dress as my ‘something old’.
Sadly, my grandmother passed away two months ago. One of my cousins is pregnant and has just found out that she is expecting a daughter. She has announced that she is naming the child after our grandmother. The issue began when she approached my grandfather and asked for the pendant, claiming that it was her child’s birthright. Grandpa mentioned it to my mother, who helped go through grandma’s things after she passed. My mother was initially too surprised to respond. It came up a few days later when my mother and father were visiting with my cousin’s parents – my mother informed my aunt that the pendant had been given to me years ago. My aunt said something like, ‘Well, she will give it to the baby, it’s the right thing to do.’
My cousin then contacted me directly to ask for the pendant. I refused to give it to her, explaining its meaning to me. She accused me of conning our grandmother out of a priceless piece of jewelry. (The pendant is not particularly valuable – I had friend who works with a jeweler examine it, just for kicks; it’s worth a few hundred dollars at most.) My cousin then said that I had no right to the pendant; when I told her that I was named after our grandmother, she accused me of lying. After I texted her a picture of my driver’s license, she stopped responding. About an hour later, she posted a terrible diatribe against me on her Facebook page, claiming that I lied about my name to cheat her daughter. My mother called me later in tears; my aunt called her and screamed at my mother for raising such a selfish, cruel daughter who refused to return a stolen heirloom to its rightful owner.
I don’t see the point of responding to any more of my cousin’s insanity, but part of me has to shake my head at the absurdity. I cannot think of another way to prove what my middle name is, and I don’t think it would matter at this point. It has all gone too far. My mother tells me that my cousin is considering changing the baby’s name now, which makes me sad. I know that I don’t own the name, but I do own the pendant. 0226-13
When people yield themselves to unbridled greed, they become loony and there are no facts, no documentation, no substantive testimony that will convince them they are not owed what they selfishly want. It’s like arguing with an insane person.
You have no obligation to give up a wedding gift from your grandmother to someone who hasn’t even given birth yet. At the first request (um, demand) for the pendant, I would have responded, “The tradition is to pass the pendant to the next generation’s namesake at adulthood. I will do so when a child is of an age to appreciate it and when I am ready to do so. “