Gross! – Etiquette Hell

Swearing To Emphasize The Demand For Respect

April 19, 2016admin135 Comments

I will preempt the anti-swearing crowd by saying that while I swear occasionally, I try to reserve it for the various computers I have to work with. So unless you are a computer or step on my foot, you probably will never hear me swear.

I was leaving an appointment and decided to go into a sandwich shop down the street for lunch. As soon as I walked in, I noticed something amiss. The guy behind the counter was exceptionally… enthusiastic in greeting me. There was another man standing at the counter. The poor sandwich maker said, “I have to make this lady’s sandwich, sir. I’ll see you later!” The man at the counter then proceeds to try engaging me in conversation while I’m giving instructions to the young guy so I can have my food.

I quickly realized why the employee was trying so hard to get my attention. The creepy man at the counter apparently wouldn’t leave, the employee couldn’t walk away, and the conversation was… inappropriate. He was going on and on with increasingly offensive and disgusting topics that seemed to center around spiders. I can’t entirely get into details as it was gross and I will not repeat his disgusting behavior online.

Suffice to say, I was put off almost immediately and the poor sandwich maker had been stuck there for who knows how long, listening to this awful topic, unable to outright tell the man to go away for fear of losing his job.

I, however, had the luxury of telling the creep off.

“Dude! What is your problem? No one wants to hear any of that!” I shouted at him. I then turned away and back to the employee, who seemed relieved.

The creep stopped… until I left the counter.

“Hey, I’m real sorry. Didn’t know the topic offended you. I just…” and he started right back up with it.

Now, I am not a big woman, but I can hold my own in a fight if necessary, and I also carry pepper spray, which I quietly got out of my bag while putting my wallet away. I wasn’t completely scared of him. But this was harassment, and it wasn’t okay. During this time, three more people walked in, one of whom was a cop (but I honestly hadn’t noticed right away). The two women who came in could hear him and were clearly disgusted.

“What part of ‘NO’ didn’t you understand?” I shouted back. He smiled and continued to talk about the topic. So I started swearing. A lot.

I don’t know why, but people don’t seem to take me seriously until the swearing starts. This got not only the creep’s attention, but that of the cop who escorted him out (and eventually me to my car as Mr. Creep was hanging around).

After the scene ended, one of the ladies came up to me.

“I know he was being inappropriate, but did you really have to swear so much?”

Of all the things that she could have said to me, she wanted to bring up my language to a creep who wasn’t backing off. I had no words for her. When I didn’t immediately apologize for my language, she harumphed off to another table.

Oh, and when the manager found out, he gave me a gift card that has gotten me a lot of free sandwiches since. 0414-16

I have no issue with confronting creepy, harassing people in public but I would have done it slightly differently than you. There are a series of steps that escalate the response if the previous step is ineffective. I would not have started off by shouting but rather a very firm command to cease the offensive activity. Shouting comes a step or two later (although the caveat is that shouting is perfectly OK as a first step if there is physical contact). I’m not adverse to using an iphone to record the behavior either.

It has become a sad reality that, culturally, people do not take issues seriously until the use of vulgar words is employed. The f-bomb has become an extreme type of adjective that modifies a noun. A person isn’t just an asshole, which should be bad enough of an insult, he’s a f*cking asshole. I’ve wondered why we have morphed into this type of communication because when I was a child and teen and probably into my late twenties/early thirties, it was rare to hear the f-bomb used in public discourse. It’s very common now with people thinking nothing of dropping a plethora of swear words into everyday language. Have we become people who believe no one takes us seriously unless we use words to strongly emphasize what we say not just in confrontations but in everyday communications? And where do we go when the worst of swear words is so common that there is nothing verbally left to shock and awe? Raising the voice? Getting physical?

OP, I just don’t think you realize that your reaction was considered by bystanders to be just as inappropriate in its content as the topic of the man’s diatribe at the counter. He was talking about gross things, you undoubtedly used swear words that are vulgar representations of excrement and sex. Instead of having one person’s course language to hear, customers in the sandwich shop now had two. Your interaction with the man did get the attention of the police officer who, I very much suspect, entered the fray to put a stop to public disorderly conduct between two people.

When Decorations Echo A Gruesome Reality – Halloween Horror In Your Face

October 14, 2014admin255 Comments

As a follow up to last week’s post regarding the scary, hairy dog spider prank and strangers being frightened by horrific scenes of death, today’s post will be about the escalation of horror images in public places as Halloween nears.

Last year I was stunned when a younger member of my extended family pinned a particular disturbing image of a Halloween lawn decoration to her Pinterest board. It was an image of a toddler sized skeleton dressed in female toddler sized dress sprawled across the lawn. “Casey Anthony” immediately came to the mind.

Since then, the quality and detail of some Halloween decorations has escalated to the point where the line between fantasy and realism are blurred. It’s no longer titilatingly spooky in a fun way but rather designed for maximum revulsion and a dehumanizing of people as merely dead props. Several websites encourage readers to “take it to the next level” as if it is a competition to see how far one can push the boundaries of not just taste but community good will. Some examples of those “decorations” include realistic flayed (as in all the skin removed) human torsos, hangman’s nooses with bodies in front yard trees, body bags, decomposed decapitated heads, child sized skeletons chained together, bloody hand prints, bodies that appear to have died of extreme torture, humans in the midst of extreme torture, just to name a few. Every one of those “decorations” has a strong connection to recent events worldwide that are so horrific that the news media will not show it on air (or even mention it in some instances) yet the residents of some communities are visually assaulted with this too realistic images on their own streets. An example of some of these decorations that have raised community ire are below…

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2014/10/09/1335465/-Halloween-decorations-in-Dallas-Texas-suburb

http://www.myfoxtwincities.com/slideshow?widgetid=130476&slideshowimageid=1

It’s one thing when people choose to be frightened by buying tickets to haunted houses where the gore level can be quite high. Having been forewarned about the graphic nature of the experience, people have the freedom to choose to see this. That freedom is totally removed when gore scenes are displayed on front yards forcing drivers and passersby to see what they may prefer not to. I’m not a fan of Homeowners Associations but in this instance, I would be petitioning the community to codify new standards of taste in regards to Halloween decorations. With freedom comes an equal obligation to act responsibly and with restraint in the best interests of the community. People lose the freedom to do with their own property as they wish because they fail to apply reasonable restrictions to themselves to avoid offending the community at large. What you display inside your home or a fenced backyard is no one else’s business but splat it across the front yard with the intention of horrifying as many people as possible and you’ve gained the attention of those who will wish to curtail that.

Can’t Touch This! Doo…do a do…Can’t Touch This!

September 29, 2014admin163 Comments

I’ve moved to a new office, and to my dismay, the break room is adjacent to the men’s restroom. If you sit in certain seats in the break room, you can see who enters and leaves that restroom. (The women’s is further down the hall.) This is a small office, and so the bathrooms are also relatively small. Seldom are there more than one person in the bathroom at any given time, though there are two stalls plus the urinal in there.

I’m sure you can see where this is going. On virtually all occasions that I see him in the vicinity, the oldest man in the office is leaving the restroom while the urinal is still flushing. We have automated sensors on our paper towel dispensers so you can hear the motor when it dispenses, and rare is the event where he’ll even go to the effort to even pretend that he’s washed his hands. This is an office where this man and others work with the general public in sales. (Sadly, this is his MO; he’s generally repellent, no combing his hair or tying his shoes, sometimes has body odor, and if not, smells like the cheap cigars he smokes outside so that others cannot sit outside as well.)

Apparently this has been going on for years before I came along. Another lady put up fliers from the CDC on the restroom doors instructing people on how to wash their hands, hoping he’d get the hint, but it didn’t last long on that door. Also, this is a government office; the supervisor knows about this problem and has done nothing.

I like to bring treats in to work, but I’m even more concerned with the upcoming holiday potlucks and how to handle something like this with a co-worker who everyone knows doesn’t wash his hands. Ever, apparently. Someone else brought some cookies in one day, and put some in a special baggie for this man, so he presumably wouldn’t put his disgusting hands in the bowl with the remainder of the cookies. It didn’t work.

It’s hard not to think about this when treats are brought in for everyone. I’m struggling to decide whether this is an etiquette issue or a public health issue. Maybe it’s both. I’m also struggling not to run around constantly with a bottle of disinfectant wipes. Surely someone has dealt with this and can give me some direction on how to handle this in a sane manner. 0924-14

If this is a government office, your supervisor has most likely done nothing because he can do nothing. Due to the power of the employee union, it is virtually impossible to discipline or fire government employees deserving of it. This is especially true of US government agencies where the requirements to terminate an employee are so rigorous that it almost never happens. An employee would have to be convicted of a crime to be removed. So, give up looking to management to address the problem because the likely scenario is that they cannot.

In order to bring treats for the entire office, you will have to think creatively on how to avoid your co-worker’s touching food. Instead of a specific baggie for him, I suggest packing cookies in separate bags for each person and giving them their own treat bag. They are then free to do with those cookies as they wish, namely eat them, give them away, take them home, trade them or put them back in the common break room area for someone else to consume. Same goes for cakes, pies, breads,cupcakes…..bring it covered/wrapped with plastic wrap or in a carrier container, before lunch slice it up and place on small paper plates which you then individually cover with plastic wrap with a small container of plastic forks nearby. One would hope he’s not so crass as to open the plastic wrap of more than one piece of cake to touch it with his fingers but will take his piece leaving everyone else’s untouched.

And so what if the hand washing sign disappeared from the door? Put up another one only this time use one of the acrylic 8X10 document holders that mounts on a wall. and if that disappears, do it again.

No Explanation Needed For Barfing In The Bathroom

November 28, 2013November 25, 2013admin51 Comments

I’m hoping you can help me handle the situation that keeps cropping up.

I’m currently almost six months pregnant. I have a pregnancy complication called hyperemesis gravidarum (HG), which is a severe form of nausea and vomiting during pregnancy. Unlike typical morning sickness, it often lasts all nine months, involves dramatic weight loss, dehydration requiring hospitalization for fluids, malnutrition, and can have more serious consequences (like severe dental and esophageal damage, and poor fetal growth and preterm labor). I’m lucky– my baby is growing well, though the health related complications this is causing mean this will be my last pregnancy. I just need your advice to get through the last few months.

I also had HG with my first child, and ran into this situation as well. I get sick multiple times a day, and since my husband works long hours, I have doctor’s appointments, and I have a three year old, sometimes I’m out in public when I get sick. I try to pick restrooms or locations away from others. I know others are often disturbed, grossed out, and upset by throwing up and so I try not to expose others to it.

However, when I need to be sick, there are times that the only place is in a crowded public bathroom, or there are times when I’m getting sick and someone walks in. It’s pretty obvious what’s going on, and usually people leave quickly or move away when I leave the stall.

I feel guilty, and usually try to say, “It’s not contagious, it’s pregnancy related. I get a severe form of morning sickness the entire time. I’m sorry!” I don’t want anyone to worry that I’ll make them sick.

But then I get all sorts of crazy comments like: “I wish I had morning sickness! Then I wouldn’t have gained so much weight during pregnancy” (it completely baffles me that anyone would WISH to throw up), “it’s all in your head” (apparently I choose to be this sick), “I hope you don’t take any medicine. That could kill your baby!” (not as quickly as the dehydration would if I didn’t take meds, but thanks for your concern), and “you should try ginger ale” (which is mostly just frustrating because I’d hope I’m smart enough to try ginger ale before hitting the point I’m visibly pregnant).

I usually just half smile and leave and don’t respond to the comments other than one-word answers. I never know what to say. I recognize that by sharing why I’m throwing up I am opening myself up to stranger comments… but I feel like I should say something when people are visibly shrinking away from me and freaked out after hearing me get sick, fearing that I’m contagious.

What’s the appropriate way to handle it when strangers see or hear you get sick in public? I really do my best to avoid the situation, but it does happen at times. I feel truly dreadful for the poor people who catch me. I know it’s gross, but I can’t help it.

Should I continue with my explanation that I’m not contagious? Should I just leave without saying a word? Should I apologize? If I do explain, is there a polite way to stop the ridiculous comments while I wash my face and hands and beat a quick retreat from the bathroom? 1125-13

Bathrooms are for the capture and containment of bodily effluvia, be it pee, poop, barf, snot, boogers, blood, etc. It is far more preferable that you barf in a public bathroom stall than an open area…which reminds me of the time my then 10 year old son did not make it into the McDonald’s bathroom and spewed with epic flourish all over the dining room floor. It was spectacular.

What you perceive as people “shrinking away” may only be the desire to give you space and privacy. A lot of people do not like to vomit in the presence of others, even their own spouses, and I can see how people would want to give you a wide berth for your sake. Some people get physically sick at the sound and smell of vomit which also explains why they may be hurrying out of the way.

And if you are at a loss for words, I suspect the other bathroom patrons are as well which results in the rather inane and pointless comments they make. I personally would not give them a conversational opening such as you have done. No one needs to know why you are tossing your cookies in the bathroom since what you are doing is a perfectly acceptable use of the facilities and your current health status is none of their business. If you happen to meet eyes with someone while washing hands, you could say, “Pregnancy”, and leave it at that.

Doo-bee, Doo-Bee, Doo

September 26, 2013September 24, 2013admin97 Comments

I live in a country setting and occasionally take my dog on a visit to my daughter who lives in town. We have walked our dogs together around her neighborhood. At home I clean up after my dog and dispose of it in my own trashcan. While daughter and I were walking my dog went and I bagged it of course. A small distance away was a trashcan at the curb and it had not been emptied yet. I casually dropped my dirty bag into the can and continued on with my walk. My daughter was horrified that I would use someone else’s can even if it was at the curb. I thought there was nothing wrong with not wanting to carry you know what for quite awhile to put it in her trashcan. Was I wrong? 0923-13

As long as your bag of dog doo is securely tied in such a way as to not splat all over the inside of the neighbor’s trash can thus requiring them to clean it, I don’t see what the problem is. Trash cans are for trash. And I am sure the neighbors would prefer that you dispose of the bag in a receptacle designed for that purpose rather than what this neighbor did: