Tag: Open Mouth Insert Foot

A friend was organizing a bunch of us to go out clubbing one night. None of us are big into the clubbing scene, but there was a good excuse at the time, these friends are super good fun to hang around and getting dressed up to go out sounded like a fun change of pace. Bob, the budding DJ, was also invited. Most of the organization was done via a Facebook event. Bob used that chance to send a message to all the women, telling them how to dress.

It was very, very absurd. Although us lady-folk would dress quite casually during the day (jeans, t-shirt and flats), part of the excitement of going out on the town is that we get to dress up! Wear fancy clothes and put on some make up! Also, night clubs tend to have dress codes. Even now, I wonder what was going through his mind that motivated him to write that message.

We were all going to meet at a friend’s house before moving on to the club. This friend had also offered that people could get ready at her house if they wanted to. So I was there maybe an hour or two before we were due to leave, gossiping about how absurd Bob’s lecture was. Then Bob showed up. Wearing, what looked to be an oversized track suit, with an over-sized, paint-splattered t-shirt and runners. Needless to say, we were rather surprised, aghast and amused. And even more amused when, surprise surprise, guess who was denied entry into the club? He spent a good 10 minutes outside talking with the bouncer, eventually being let in because he knew the DJ.

I haven’t had much contact with Bob, but I hope that the past few years has endowed him with more tact and respect towards women’s minds and sensibilities. And dress codes. 1104-13

I’m not entirely sure if this is even a faux pas, but I really need some advice on how to handle this. First, a little background: When I was a child, I had a necessary surgery done on my face that left a rather large and noticeable scar. I’ve lived with it for almost my entire life, so I and the rest of my family are used to it, and, consequently, I didn’t realize how noticeable it actually is until I took a job in customer service. Random people comment on it all the time now. They range from the clueless: “You know, I support and donate money to X charity. They specialize in helping people with X condition.”  He meant well, but I did not have the condition he specified, though my scar does look similar to one that someone with X condition would have, so I can see how he could make that mistake.   To the somewhat rude: “I know a plastic surgeon that could fix that for you. Here is his business card.” (Believe me lady, if I could fix it, I would’ve already.) Most people, however, just want to know how I got it. It’s really embarrassing. I don’t feel like I should have to divulge my life story to them, but I don’t know how to politely avoid answering such questions. Please help me! I know it’s impossible to keep people from commenting on something I’d rather forget, but I would really like to go a day without explaining myself to random strangers. 0809-13

My husband has a rather obvious surgery scar in the middle of his chest from a childhood operation.    It looks like his heart was cut out of his chest and then sewn back together with crude stitches.   When random strangers at the pool or beach ask him what happened to cause that epic scar, he  responds, “Shark attack”.   It is obviously not a shark bite so what he has done is somewhat humorously and gently sent the message that it’s really none of their business how that scar got there.  There can be a kind, even gentle way of rebuffing people who ask impertinent questions.  People obtuse enough to not catch the subtle hint and continue asking are met with silence.

I have been friends with a woman for many years. Our birthdays are two months apart, and I am the oldest. Whenever birthday time comes around, she invariably makes a comment like “I’m younger than you are ha ha ha.” I do not interpret this as gentle ribbing, it is said with a kind of one-upmanship glee. I have, in the past, said things like “Yes, I’m aware of that” and “oh, here we go again.”

Today we talked and as her birthday approaches she said “How old are you again?” (in the context of trying to “remember” how old she was going to be–I should mention we are both approaching senior status). I told her and she said, “So you reached (that big number) before me!” and I said “Yes, I did it first and better.” I must say, she was kind of taken aback. Was I wrong? Sometimes I hold things back until some borderline thing just pops out of my mouth. I’m not sure I want to be that kind of person.

The whole thing is kind of ridiculous because at our age two months is, of course, nothing. So why is it so important to her to bring it up? 0910-13

Why is it so important to you to respond to something you realize is petty?

I got married when I was 20. A week after my 20th birthday, in fact. I realize this is young by current standards, at least in my part of the country, but I never considered it young enough to be shocking. However, many people seem to disagree with me, because I used to get rude and intrusive comments all the time. It’s slowed down (since I’m 26 now), although occasionally people will still ask me how long I’ve been married, do the math, and say something like “you’re still married?!”. At least the comments about how I must have been pregnant have stopped since everyone has, by now, noticed the absence of children. (Well, except for the people who assume I was pregnant and miscarried, and who express surprise that my husband and I stayed together since the child we must have gotten married for didn’t happen. Yes, really).

My “favorite” incident happened at the doctor’s office.

The nurse practitioner was asking me all the usual questions one is asked when one wants to change birth control, so of course it came up that I was married. I was 21 at the time so this was my first appointment since tying the knot. The nurse said, “Well, that was stupid! You’re way too young to be married. You shouldn’t have done that”.   Now, here I should probably pause to mention that this is the gynecological and obstetrical practice that my family has used for years, and my mother is a patient and has been since before she got pregnant with me. One of the doctors at this practice delivered me. This nurse hasn’t been working there that long, but she’s been there at least 15 years. It’s not a huge practice and it’s always seemed like all the patients are on a first name basis with most of the nurses. I know my mom is. My mother and father are still happily married and had been married for about 40 years at this point, something that would definitely be known to the practice and part of her history. I say this so you’ll understand why I suddenly heard myself saying, “Well, you know my mom got married when she was 19…”

Clearly a mistake, but what can I say. I wasn’t thinking. The nurse says, “Well, then she should have told you not to do it”. WOW! So, my marriage is a mistake, and so is my parents’ apparently. I just said nothing, because I couldn’t think of anything to say. I switched practices after that appointment. I’ve never understood why people feel the need (or the right) to weigh in on others’ incredibly personal decisions, or what they expect me to do with that knowledge. “Thanks for letting me know, I’ll just head home now and file for divorce”? I know that we should forgive people for their thoughtlessness, but she didn’t just say one thing without thinking. She went in for seconds. And if you’re ever tempted to share your opinion on something as personal as that, you should remember that however harmless or correct you think your opinion is you’re probably the 764th person to express it.    0716-13

Generally speaking, I don’t encourage marrying young either.   I’ve been around too long and seen more unsuccessful marriages than successful ones when the couple marries young.  That said, there are some topics of conversation that are not within a person’s sphere of responsibility to express a negative opinion or hold someone else accountable for their actions.   If you are not in a position to have a substantial relationship that allows for that level of honesty and accountability or you were not asked for an opinion, it falls under “mind your own business”.

I’d like to share this story with you all and would love to hear how you think I should have responded to this. Of course, at the time I had no words so remained silent which I’m kicking myself for now.

Background:
I’m 22 years old now but have been overweight for the majority of my life. Around two years ago, I decided to start eating healthily and joined a gym. Over time, I managed to lose quite a bit of weight and I am now a UK size 10. Unfortunately, I’m still unhappy with my body and don’t have a lot of confidence in myself so I still push myself daily in order to lose weight. Sometimes this causes me a lot of stress and upset because I haven’t achieved what I would like to achieve.

Anyway, my boyfriend and I had arranged an evening at a night club for a friends birthday. I was excited for the night. I spent the day getting ready and even bought a brand new pink dress which I was nervous about wearing but loved it! Usually I stick to wearing black because I don’t like drawing attention to my body. After spending a fun afternoon getting ready for the big night out, I left the house feeling happy about how I looked though still self concious about the parts of me I didn’t like.

We all arrived at the nightclub and the girls headed for the dance floor whilst the men stood around at the bar. I was having a good time dancing with my friends when I felt someone reach over and ruffle my hair behind me! I turned around to see a man looking back at me. I didn’t say any thing and continued dancing with my friends – but he did it again and again and again. I turned round and gave him a confused look as if it say “What are you doing?” and he came up to me, looked me square in the eye and said “You’re FAT”.

I would like to point out that I had never met this man before in my life and hadn’t said a single word to him throughout the entire “hair ruffling” thing so this seemed very out of the blue and cruel. He walked off after that but left me feeling like I’d been punched in the stomach. My friends didn’t see what happened and I felt too ashamed to tell any one. Instead, I found myself sitting outside on my own wanting to cry.

I was so mortified about what he said to me that I didn’t respond to him however I really don’t know what would be a polite thing to say to someone who had hurt my feelings for no reason whatsoever. As soon as I got home, I threw my new dress away and unfortunately let his comment bring me down.

My question is, what could I have said? This man has no idea that I eat salads every day and work-out four times a week to try and get in to shape and I guess it isn’t really his problem either – but I just WISH I could have said something witty yet remaining dignified too. 0507-13

Likely the man was drunk which does not excuse his rude comment at all.  There exists a subset of people in this world who use the power of the spoken word to gain control, manipulate, abuse and damage others.   If only for a brief moment, he has caught you off guard and inflicted hit-and-run harm.   We will never be able to change the ugly people of this world to be different than what they are.  We can only change ourselves.

One question to ask yourself is why you feel shame for that man’s behavior?  You’ve done nothing wrong to be ashamed about.   Your response should at least be indignation that some creep thought you were worthy of his rudeness.  Sometimes a little arrogance isn’t a bad thing if it helps you develop a polite spine.   How dare this creep think he can dump his insecurities and bias on me!  Who does he think he is?

Second, why do you allow a total stranger to hurt your feelings?   You have given him far greater power to rule you than he deserves.  He successfully succeeded in removing you from the dance floor , ruin your happy mood, and destroy an innocent dress despite the fact that your friends and boyfriend were the positive counterbalance to his ugliness.   One man, for a brief moment, had the power to tip your emotional scales so that the contributions of love, companionship, friendship and acceptance from your friends and boyfriend weighed little in the balance.  Ask yourself, “Why?”   Never, ever let miserable, manipulative, crass, insulting people live in your  brain and heart because to do so gives them more power to hurt than they ever deserve to have.

What would I have done in your situation?  Depending on the situation and the mood, I might have rolled my eyes and said, “Jerk”, before moving on to have more fun.   Living life happily is the best revenge and you certainly never want to give anyone the satisfaction that their words might have a smidgen of power over you.   Or I might have more firmly (as in more loudly) said, “What are you doing?  Don’t touch me again,” which would have immediately alerted my husband and friends that something was amiss.   Draw that line in the sand that says to yourself,  “No one touches me without my consent…ever.”