Parents – Page 2 – Etiquette Hell

The Unkindness of Parenting Yields Lazy, Ungrateful, Greedy, Adult Brats… or “Don’t Marry Frankenstein’s Creator”

September 5, 2016September 5, 2016admin129 Comments

I’ve been dating a very nice guy, Tom (not his real name). Tom is widowed, 48 years old, and has a good job as an actuary. I’m single, never married, 36 years old, and have a good job as a corporate trainer.

We dated for about 8 months and things went very well. The only hitch in the whole situation was his son, Nick (not his real name). Nick is 26 years old and lives at home, rent free. He has no job and asks his dad for $50 – $100 every 2-3 days so he can go out drinking with friends, buy something he wants, go to the movies, etc… Nick has a BA in Accounting but has failed the CPA exam twice.

So Tom pays for Nick’s car, Tom pays for Nick’s insurance (health & auto), Tom is paying off Nick’s credit cards that Nick maxed out after college when he couldn’t find a job, Tom pays all the household bills, Tom buys the food, etc… Nick spends all day “Studying” to take the CPA exam again, which he has put off for over a year now. I put the studying in quotation marks because in the 8 months I’ve known him Nick has never said anything about what he read or taking a practice test, or anything that made it sound like he was studying at all. Tom is the one who keeps insisting that Nick is hard at work studying so he’ll ace the CPA exam next time.

Nick is so busy “Studying” that he can’t possibly wash the dishes, mow the lawn, cook a meal, vacuum a carpet, do a load of laundry, etc… Tom blames Nick’s aversion to housework on the fact that Nick’s mom died when Nick was 13. His mom never got the chance to teach Nick how to do those things. Tom was so busy working after her death that Tom hired a housekeeper while Nick was in Middle School and High School.

While his mom’s death is tragic, I don’t understand why that makes a 26 year old man incapable of learning how to pick up after himself now. If he was really lost over how to wash a dish or do a load of laundry, I’m pretty sure he could find a Youtube video to give him a tutorial.

Also, he survived 4 years away at college in another state. So his laundry got cleaned and he fed himself somehow in those 4 years.

Tom spent his entire life putting away money so he could retire at 50. He’s 48 now and has run through a lot of his savings supporting his adult, college educated, son who refuses to get a job that isn’t “worthy” of him. At dinner one night Nick actually said, “If it’s not paying at least $50,000.00 a year, I don’t want it. I know what I’m worth.” Nick blames his dad’s generation for ruining the economy, ruining the job market, and being the reason why Nick can’t find a decent paying job.

This whole thing is between Tom and Nick really isn’t any of my business. Tom is welcome to spend his money as he sees fit. Tom is welcome to cater to his adult son as he sees fit. While we were dating, I kept my mouth shut about all of it. When Tom would complain about how quickly his savings were disappearing, I’d tell him that he should talk to Nick.

Then the “incident” happened. Tom and I were having a quiet night at his place. It was after dinner, and we hanging out on the sofa watching stuff on Netflix. Tom left the room to use the restroom and Nick came home from where ever he’d been. Nick said, “Oh good, I wanted to talk to you alone. Dad’s birthday is in 2 weeks. And it doesn’t seem right to borrow money from him to buy him a gift. So could you give me $100?”

I was shocked. I think I sat in silence for about 5 or 10 seconds before I said, “I’m sorry. I can’t.”    Nick said, “That’s ok. I know how hard things can me. Believe me.” And laughed.   And then he said, “If you can only give me $50, that would be ok.”   Again, I said, “I’m sorry. I can’t.”    Nick got a little huffy and said, “Fine, whatever!” and stomped off to his room.   When Tom came back, I told him what happened. And then Tom got mad.   He couldn’t believe I wouldn’t give Nick the $100.    Tom said, “I’ll give you the $100, and you go give it to Nick. I don’t want him to be embarrassed that he can’t buy me a birthday present.”   And I said something along the lines of, “That’s ridiculous. Why don’t you just give him the $100 in that case? I don’t want him to think I’m willing to lend money to him. He doesn’t have a job and has no way to pay me back. So basically I’d be giving Nick money and then you’d be paying me back. I don’t want to be in the middle like that.”

Tom got really angry accusing me of calling his son dishonest (because I said Nick wouldn’t pay me back) and lazy (because I mentioned that Nick doesn’t have a job). I told him that his relationship with his son was his business. But my relationship was with him and not his son.

Tom broke up with me.   Because, of course, his son is the most important person in his life and if we got married then I’d be Nick’s step mom. It boiled down to, if I was unwilling to have a relationship with Nick, then my relationship with Tom was over.

It’s been a month. Tom and I haven’t talked since that night. I really like Tom. I miss him and I hate that we broke up over this.

Was I out of line? Should I have just given Nick the $100 to buy Tom’s birthday present? Should I have accepted being in the middle to save Nick’s pride? Even if Nick is 26, should I have been trying to build some sort of maternal relationship with him?

I feel like I set the correct boundaries.   But maybe I’m just being heartless because I feel that Nick is taking advantage of the situation.   And that has colored my actions in regards to lending Nick money.

What do you say, e-Hell? Should I be roasting in the fires on this one? 0829-16

AAAARRGGH! No! No, no, no! You do NOT belong skewered over an EHell bonfire! You are the only normal, healthy, sensible person in this entire scenario. You are questioning your principles and core convictions when you know, deep in your gut, that you are right.

Nick has a serious character flaw which has been nurtured and facilitated by his equally flawed father. It is a PROFOUND unkindness to raise children who are this dysfunctional as adults. Tom has seriously handicapped his son so that he is not able to be a healthy adult who is productive, independent, grateful, hard working and self sustaining. Had you continued in this relationship playing this money game, you would have been complicit in Tom’s miserable parenting and the continued “helplessness” of Nick. Married couples fight about sex, money and the kids and I guarantee that you and Tom, had you married, would have fought vigorously about the kid and how money has been spent. Once married, your finances will combine and you would have fought over how Tom is draining *your* financial reserves supporting an indigent, lazy, ungrateful, wretch of a son Tom helped create.

Run and don’t look back. If Tom calls, do not answer the phone. Wait for a good man to come into your life.

Let Him Not Eat Pie

May 31, 2016May 29, 2016admin151 Comments

This story appeared on my news feed regarding a man who was so fed up with the bratty, entitled behavior of a child in a Burger King ordering line that he took drastic and unusual action.

The child reportedly threw a non-stop,screaming tantrum wanting a pie. Efforts by the man in line to engage the child’s mother to calm the child were apparently fruitless so when it came his turn to order food, he proceeded to buy every single pie the restaurant had at the time – 27 in total. When mom stepped up to the cashier and ordered pie, she discovers that there is absolutely none available, screams wanting to know who bought them all and the employee points to the man who is, by now, standing by the exit door. They lock eyes as he munches on a pie.

So, comments Ehellions? While the act of buying every pie was drastic, it was an enforced lesson for the child that one does not always get what you want when you want it.

Balancing The Family Numbers

March 17, 2016March 17, 2016admin113 Comments

I’m concerned that a potential upset may overshadow the joy of an upcoming occasion, but also wondering if I’m overthinking it.

My son is turning 1 (first child), and we are holding a small family-only “party” for his birthday, but where we draw the line at family-only is the issue. Husband’s family is very small, mine is very large.

With husband’s family being so small, 90% of family gatherings on his side include his only aunt and uncle.

Because our son is so young and won’t really grasp the concept of a party in the first place, and he’s neither used to nor fond of large crowds, we intend to have a small party which includes only his direct Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins – that’s still 12 people as it is.

However, that would leave out Husband’s only aunt & uncle who usually come to family gatherings held by husband’s side (they’d be great-aunt/uncle to my son, and therefore miss the cut on the invite list). We’ve only had both sides of our families together twice, our wedding, and one massive Christmas which didn’t work out too well for varying reasons.

I’m pretty sure that great-aunt will be upset if we don’t invite her, but equally we have to draw the line somewhere, and I feel that inviting husband’s aunt & uncle but none of my own doesn’t seem right either.

What do you think? Should I just invite them for sake of avoiding upsetting great-aunt, or stick to my guns and simply explain we drew the line at “great-anything” since he’s so young? 0313-16

1. Don’t get caught up into believing that a party is a must-have milestone in the life of an infant and toddler. You are setting yourself up for your child and the families to have an expectation of you hosting a party for every birthday. A cupcake after dinner is plenty of birthday drama for a 1-year old.

2. Your math is confusing. If I speculatively calculated this correctly, your family outnumbers your husband’s by about 3 to 1 so when you create a cut off that excludes a specific generation, you will automatically decrease the already small number of husband’s family while your side really loses nothing. It appears to me that even if you did invite the grandaunt and uncle, this would still not increase your husband’s family number enough to equal the number of people from your side. Frankly, it makes you look petty and ungenerous.

3. What does your husband have to say about this?

4. I could go on at length of the foolishness of knowing ahead of time that an action will upset a family member.

Fighting Bad Parenting With Milk

February 16, 2016admin97 Comments

This video has been floating around the internet for a year or so, but I recently just saw it for the first time, and wondered what your reaction to it might be. It’s hard to know the exact details of the encounter since there is no audio, but it seems pretty clear that the mother is doing little to curb her child’s behavior, and at one point appears to even nudge the child on with her hand. The reaction of the other customer is inventive, and many would argue, justified. Comments on the video by viewers seem to strongly support the other customer, though some think it is cruel to do this to a small child, and in fact his/her anger should have been directed at the parent instead. So what, in your opinion, is the proper way to act in such a situation? They say it takes a village to raise a child, so is it appropriate for a villager to step in and correct a misbehaving child when the parent refuses to do so? 0208-16

I’m certain the child haters of the world will think this is a great reaction to a pesky brat. In the video, the child is merely the extension of his parent’s hand since she does little to dissuade the boy to stop what he is doing and by her behavior she appears to condone it. Mom has not taught the child that the pleasures of using a mini cart is coupled with the responsibility to use it correctly, i.e. not slamming into other customers rudely. Because there is no audio, there appears to be some kind of appeal to the mom before he turns back around but we don’t know what was said. We don’t see any action by the customer such as holding the cart from hitting him thus implying that he directly spoke to the child himself to make him stop. Mom does absolutely nothing to take control of the cart from her child which is what she should have done.

So, dumping milk on the head of the child is, in my opinion, a cowardly choice to not directly engage the person most responsible for the child’s behavior.

I pity the child because his mother appears to condone the bad behavior, doing nothing to stop it, but the child has discovered there are unpleasant consequences to actions at the hands of a stranger and that has created a cognitive dissonance in his thinking as to what is right and what is wrong. Bad parenting.

The Inconsiderate Gift Receiver

December 30, 2015admin202 Comments

Dear E-Hellions. I am looking for honest feedback, so please read the following story and tell me what you think. I truly apologize for how long this is. Â

This year I invited my mother and step-father to celebrate Christmas with my family (myself, my husband and our 3 children who are between the ages of 1 and 6). I like to try to get unique and thoughtful gifts because I enjoy the challenge of finding something within a reasonable budget that I feel the recipient would like, however I was finding it difficult to think of something my step-father might like or need. I phoned my mother to ask her any ideas for what my step-father might like, just so I could be pointed in the right direction. She said, “Oh nothing. Don’t worry about that. Christmas is really about the kids now.” I replied with, “It’s so true. It’s so much fun to watch them open their presents that I wouldn’t be sad if there was nothing under the tree for me! Plus I get to play with them and all the new toys too!! So,…. I’ll get him a gift card to his favorite coffee shop. She then said not to worry about it and we ended the conversation.

I wasn’t happy with the idea of getting my step-father a gift card because it is usually not my style, so I went to a store and made he and my mother a basket of goodies that was filled with their favorite treats that would be reminiscent of the area in which we grew up (they are moving back to said area in 3 months, which is all the way across the country). It had a bottle of Sea Salt, Salt Water Taffy, Fudge, Maple Syrup, Sea Salt Atlantic Canadian Chips, Second Cup coffee K Cups for their machine, oven mitts and pot holders that match the decor of their cottage, gluten free biscotti, and a picture frame containing a picture of all of the grandchildren which were all wrapped in a lovely fabric box. I felt that this gift was thoughtful because I had hand selected all of the items for a specific reason. I also remembered my mother telling me not to purchase anything that they would have to pack so I thought if I bought treats and small items it wouldn’t be a problem.

To be honest, I have had some issues with purchasing gifts before. A few times I have purchased gifts for my mother that did not go over well. She would say, “Are you serious? Come on, now!”, and would slam the gift down (once it was a book that she wasn’t interested in). Another time when I was a teenager she didn’t receive any stocking stuffers. I thought my step-father was filling her stocking and he must have thought that I was going to…. needless to say Christmas morning was completely ruined and that year we opened our presents in an awkward silence.

Flash forward to this year. I felt the need to warn her that the present I bought them this year was something that wouldn’t take up much room when they packed to move back to the East Coast. I also told her that I had hand picked everything. I think I must have known that it wasn’t going to go over well. I’m in my late 20s and I felt like a child tip toeing on egg shells. She brushed it off and said, “It’s fine!”, with a smile.

Christmas morning they opened the gift and I started to explain why I chose each item and she said, “Oh! I get it, it’s all the things representing home!” I was so relieved as they smiled and began looking the items over.

On the 27th they left (even though they told us they were staying until after New Year’s day). They had tried to leave boxing day but there was too much snow so they left in a huff early on the morning of the 27th. I was dumbfounded. She patted me on the back to say goodbye and then left. A few minutes later I went to fetch something in the cupboard and saw that she had given me back most of the items I had given her for Christmas.

Here’s the message I received from her the next day via text message:

Mom: I look around your house and we have been very generous to you . I would appreciate that you would have gotten a proper gift for Karl . He is the same man that watched your kids when you had Sarah , drove you where ever you needed to go . This was very inconsiderate and he deserves to be treated better.

Me: I literally thought I had put some thought into the gift I gave you both instead of just getting Karl a Tim card. I felt it was very hurtful that you left it here in the cupboard. I am sorry you felt the need to do that.

Mom: I’m sorry but that was unacceptable . Take a look under your tree, people treat you well. I have given close to $6000.00 worth of furniture for your house since you have been with your husband. We are kind-hearted, please don’t abuse people’s generosity . Karl has been good to you .

Me: I am not abusing people’s generosity. I have given you many nice presents over the years as well. I asked you for suggestions for Karl and you said “nothing” so I tried to come up with a basket of East coast treats. I understand that it failed. My intent was not malicious. My intent was not for you or Karl to feel the way you do right now.

Mom: I said to get him a gift card to Tim Hortons.

Me: But leaving it at my house was unnecessary. It was an intentional act to cause me hurt.

Mom: No I left before I lost it.

Me: You left the present before you lost it?

Mom: You are not going to make a mockery of this. Don’t push me too hard right now. I tried to ask you politely.

Me: I can’t do this right now, Mom. I am detaching myself. I am sorry you feel this way.

And then I blocked her number.

What else could I have done? I know it was probably immature of me to block her but I have had a lifetime of this sort of behavior and worse. I’m not sure what to do. I feel hurt and I know that she does, too.

It’s so sad when material items have greater priority than the actual relationship. Even if you had given an inappropriate gift, the gracious thing for your mother to have done would have been to concentrate on how pleasant your hospitality was, the good intent of the giftgiver, how much she loves you, how delightful it was to see her son-in-law and grandkids, how nice the Christmas day meal was, etc., etc.

Unblock your mother lest you become known in the family as the evil person cutting mom out of your life and should you ever exchange gifts again, you now know to give Karl a large denomination gift card to Tim Hortons. And frankly, I’m ornery enough to suggest you wrap it in increasingly elaborate wrapping and packages every year. If it’s gift drama they want, you can certainly accommodate that in very flashy ways with the prettiest bows and wrapping paper.