Parents – Page 3 – Etiquette Hell

Clear Those Lines, I Have A Stack of Books And A Cranky Toddler!

July 2, 2015admin233 Comments

I took my four year old daughter to the library after I got home from work. She did great right up until it was time to go check out. She was right on the edge (it was just about bedtime, so not surprised) when we headed to the circulation counter with our stack of books when some guy zipped around in front of us and had all these issues with his card. That guy totally saw us heading to the counter and deliberately went around the book display to get there first.

Seriously? Thanks for cutting around in front of us and making us wait and wait. Every time I thought he was all set, there was one more thing.

“I have fines.”

“I never checked out that book.”

“What do I have checked out on my card?”

“I have a hold.”

There’s only so much to do while waiting in line with an energetic 4 yr old. She read the letters from the book display, then counted the letters. Crawled around on the floor with her toy and then finally resorted to running in circles.

Sure, I could have ducked back into the Children’s Room but we’ve done that before only to have a line form and it takes even longer to leave.

Are people really so self-centered?? It would have taken 2 minutes for us to get our books and leave. Instead we waited for almost 10 minutes while you dealt with all your issues. 0608-15

When shopping or engaging in errands around town, the expectation must be that you will wait in a line somewhere, for some undetermined amount of time. It could be a short line, no line at all, or a long line but the reality of interacting with your fellow humans is that you will either be in front of someone in a line or behind them at some point. If your daughter cannot handle the unpredictability of how long you and she may have to wait in a line, perhaps not bringing her with you would be an option.

The gentleman who proceeded you to the check out counter at the library did nothing unethical in moving faster than you to achieve first status in the line. It’s not like he leaped over a book display and barreled through stacked books, tripping over himself to be first. And your own “stack of books” could have been perceived as needing to take longer to get finished so he hustled to get in line before you. What if there had been four or five people ahead of you that day collectively taking the same amount of time to check out books as Book Dude did? Are they are evil for daring to move to the check out counter at the same time as you do? And why would you wait until your daughter was “right on the edge” to leave thus potentially setting her up for failure if the check out line was longer than you expected? It’s as if you are entitled to no lines when your 4-year-old daughter is past her bedtime so as to avoid her having a meltdown.

Husband And Hot Dogs In Hot Water

May 28, 2015admin172 Comments

I have just returned home from my 4 year old (soon-to-be) niece’s birthday party. (For purposes of this story, her name will be “Rachel”.) Her father is my fiance’s brother. (I’ll call him “George”.) George and his wife “Connie” were hosting a cook-out for Rachel. Connie’s sister “Stephanie” and her husband “Alex” were there with their children, among them “Rose”, who was also 4 years old. Keep in mind, this cook-out was held outside, and food was being cooked on the grill outside.

When it came time to cook food, Connie and George started with the children, who had a choice of hot dogs, hamburgers, or cheeseburgers. Stephanie took a count, gave it to Connie, and Alex piped up with, “Rose only wants her hot dog BOILED! She is not going to eat it grilled. Someone needs to boil her hot dog!” Stephanie said that it didn’t matter; she could eat it grilled, and no one was boiling food anyway. Alex whined, “No! Her schedule this weekend has been completely interrupted by this barbecue! And now she won’t be able to eat her hot dog! She needs a boiled hot dog!”

Unfortunately, I do not know if Rose received a boiled hot dog or a grilled hot dog, as at that point, I took a basket of utensils and brought it out to the deck and didn’t go back in. I was appalled at Alex’s lack of manners and entitlement. Here he is, a grown man, demanding that his 4 year old daughter be given a boiled hot dog, when no one is cooking on the stove, and the host and hostess aren’t serving boiled hot dogs. Alex, instead of encouraging entitlement behavior, should be telling his daughter that she is a guest in her aunt and uncle’s house, and she needs to eat what is put before her. Then he insults them by saying that his daughter’s schedule was thrown off by the barbecue. 0525-15

It looks like Alex’s wife, Stephanie, had him and the situation under control. It’s not like Alex was incapable of going into the kitchen, getting a pot of water boiling on the stove, cook the hot dog, serve it and clean up his mess on his own. Stephanie is probably used to dealing with her husband’s entitlement mentality that others need to do what he will not.

Stealing Baby Names

April 14, 2015admin206 Comments

This is a question I wanted to pose to E-Hell readers. It’s happened twice in my circle, in differing time periods. I’ve been told by each side that their side was right in what they did, and the other side was wrong. I was appealed to for sympathy from both sides, but I bean dipped each time. As it happened, although I knew all the parties involved in both cases, they didn’t know each other, so no one could “learn a lesson” from the first instance. What do the E-hellions think, please?

The basic story in both cases is, a young man dies. He’s a well-loved only son in both cases. It’s tragic, and friends and family are torn with grief.

About a year or so after each of these deaths, a close, lifelong friend of the deceased and his family becomes a new father. By coincidence, in both cases, the deceased had a sister who is pregnant with her first child when her deceased brother’s friend and his wife becomes new parents. Each time, the friend of the deceased has a boy and gives the baby the name of the deceased. In both cases, the pregnant sisters of the deceased are hurt and angry and they basically stop talking to said friend, because the sisters in both cases had planned to name their soon to be born babies after their late brothers. In each case, then, the friend and his wife become hurt and angry, because they felt they had the right to use the name of a lifelong dear friend who had died suddenly. A break occurs between the families and the friends, and is never healed.

It was extremely uncomfortable, the tension over this, the first time this happened to people I knew. When it occurred again to others, a few years later, I couldn’t believe it had happened again, just the same.

Is it wrong to appropriate a name of someone who died when the deceased’s family might want it and have an occasion to use it soon? Should they have asked before using it? Or is it wrong to expect a lifelong friend to forego naming his child a name he truly wanted because the family planned to use it? Does the family have the etiquette right to say no one can use it, and expect to be obeyed? 0408-15

What a ridiculous thing to fight about. It’s obvious that the last names of the infants are different than the sisters’ family names so no one is allowed to use the same first and middle names? For example, friend’s baby is named Robert Micheal Smith and sister’s baby is named Robert Micheal Jones…what is the problem here? One child can be called Robbie, the other Bob.

One would think the family whose son died would be honored that others valued their deceased son/brother so highly that they would want to remember him in a very personal manner which will last a lifetime. It’s a way to keep the memory alive, to honor a person whose name carries with it a significant degree of respect and love. It’s a way of communicating to the child that he is named after a role model his parents esteemed very much. What a lovely tribute.

Do the sisters have a right to be offended at the use of their brothers’ names by close friends? My thought on that is that if I were the parent who lost the son, I would be counseling my daughter that she does not have a right to the name of her brother, as if she owned it. I named my son and it was his name to do with as he wished. I “owned” it first, gave it to him and he did with it as he wished. If he lived his life in such a way that people respected, admired and loved him enough to name their children after him, that honor is a credit to his name, character and memory. The sisters cannot claim theft of a name that never belonged to them in the first place. It is dishonoring to the memory of the deceased to fight over his name as if anyone other than the deceased had a right to it.

Waltzing Through Life Living With The Parents

February 2, 2015admin145 Comments

I am part of the boomerang generation. In other words, I am part of the generation of youngish people who went to school and moved back in with their parents. I have three other siblings, two of whom are twins and in college, one who is also older and living at home.

My parents were generous and helped me out a LOT in college. They were extremely helpful and pushed me when I needed pushing. As well as being financially helpful, they were just good mentors and really prepared me for life. With their help I was able to graduate and have NO debt whatsoever. As I watch so many friends struggle I really really can’t be thankful enough for that. They have sacrificed a lot for me.

I eventually got a job in another country and moved away for a year. Being bilingual turned out to be a huge plus. But my family was very hurt by my move and it seemed like I would be able to get a job when I moved home, as I was now out of college, had two years of experience in my field and outstanding references and connections. Even though I’m the adventurous sort and kind of wanted to stay and live my independence a bit longer, I wanted to go home too, because I missed everyone. So I did- I came home and I started looking for a job.

And that’s how it’s been for three years. Oh, I’ve been working- I have two jobs at the moment, and I’ve also had three or even four to make ends meet. Both part time employment with no insurance that pay peanuts. I also have a car that’s dying. It’s been really hard… it does nothing for my self esteem to know I went from independence to living with my parents scraping by. They do not charge me rent, (I’ve asked and offered). I help around the house by cleaning and cooking.

One of the things I did upon moving back home was sign up for dance classes. There were a few things I’d wanted to do growing up that I’d asked about but hadn’t been able to do (permission or money-wise) and that was dancing and martial arts. So I barely had any money at all, but taking my change to the bank, I had just enough money to sign up.

Dance has been fun. I have met a mess of people I would never have before. Growing up in a conservative household where everyone was Christian was kind of a bubble. It was a growing process in that I had to learn for the first time what kind of people to avoid and what kind of people to embrace.

I have worked my way up and have been told by the instructor I am one of the best dance follows there. Yay! I still have a lot of ways to go, and I’ve made mistakes this year but I’m happy to have found something I really enjoy. Not to mention great for social interactions and exercise.

Now to the issue at hand… dances take place in the evenings. Which means I am out late. Sometimes it is icy and snowy in the winter, sometimes it is three in the morning and I am just tired and don’t want to drive home. I camp out on couches of friends who live next to the dance studio. In order to improve, which is my goal, I go to as many things as possible. This means Friday, Saturday, Sunday… I am Jitterbugging or waltzing. I dance a lot of weeknights, too. Because of work schedules, sometimes I leave right as my parents get home. I do skip different practices and weekends for family events. Birthdays, obviously holidays, and sometimes, hey, it’s been a long week, I just want to veg on the couch a night in my PJs and watch TV with my brother.

However I am away for most of the weekend. Or I go away at 6pm and don’t return home until 6pm the next day. This has caused outrage from my parents. I think they see me as an irresponsible kid who never comes home, and when she does just is waiting until she can go away again. I think they miss me or feel slighted. My Dad asked me if I think of our house as my home and was very offended by my answer of, “I think this is your home, where you are allowing me to stay.”

Because of my getting home late or coming in the next day (for which I now inform them before hand my plans and have to endure their anger before I leave and then again when I get home) there has been talk of making me pay rent and setting up different house rules of curfews. They also are completely horrified to learn I stay the night on my boyfriend’s couch (he also lives with his family) so I now try to make plans with other dancing girlfriends so that I never have to stay there. It’s a pain but it’s not worth the anger of my parents and I’m not willing to lie about where I am or what I’m doing.

(This seems like I sleep over at peoples houses everyday, I do not. I prefer my house and my bed! It happens once, occasionally twice a week)

I think I could understand this and try to work with them except for one thing. My Brother is an avid hunter. He goes away many weekends and weeks to a hunting cabin in the mountains and also has a job that takes him away. He sometimes stays at hotels or friends houses. We often don’t know where he is until later. Yes, he lives here, but his lifestyle and his hobbies/job take him away.

I guess I feel hurt myself. No, my hobby will not be something I can’t mount on a wall or eat for supper. But when he doesn’t call or come in on time, there’s instant forgiveness. He has a real job and makes real money. But he also doesn’t pay rent and I know they won’t make him even though there’s this talk of making me pay.

So I don’t know what to do. I have tried to find roommates and leave but I am in a financial crunch and can’t really afford to. (Luckily dance classes are now free because the Dance Instructor lets advanced level dancers attend dances for free to help beginners.) When I talk about this from the perspective of, “Hey, I am 25 and I want to move out and be independent someday…”, I am met with hostility. “So eager to get away from us?!”

Sigh. I just want to dance. In a world where I have applied to over 50 jobs and where I’m praying that my car survives the winter… I just want to be able to do one thing that makes me feel happy and free and alive.

How do I handle this? How can I live in harmony with my family and still be true to my own interests and life. Am I wrong…? I confess… I would like them to come watch my dance, just once. But dances don’t start until 8pm and that’s too late for their tastes. 0112-15

I’m going to be the meanie in my response. I do not agree with you that your parents “really prepared me (you) for life.” Their financial assistance with your college education already sets you apart from the vast numbers of young adults who work while going through college and/or have student loans that must be paid. You left college having no real idea what the personal cost of working for something you really want. And the fact that your older brother still lives at home paying no rent whatsoever despite having what you refer to as a “real job” with “real money” tells me your parents have no vested interest in pushing a perfectly capable mid-twenties year old male out of the nest to learn how life really is as an independent adult.

I’m the parent of 3 adults in their 20’s and all three have lived at home as adults at one time or another. We did not require them to pay rent as long as they paid their own cell phone service, car insurance, gasoline, auto repairs, bought their own vehicles, and, this one is crucial, they had to save at least $500.00 per month in a savings account or retirement fund. They were required to show evidence of this with copies of bank deposit slips or statements. The other obligation to living in our house was the requirement to be courteous and I’ll expound more on that later. The only times we ever threatened that rent was to be paid was when there was no evidence of any money being deposited into a savings account. Whines that they had no money were nearly always a case of the adult kid having spent money foolishly on what we referred to as “toys”, i.e. completely unnecessary items they could not afford or daily/weekly extravagant expenditures for very upscale cosmetics or Starbucks or clothes.

As the parent of three children who lived at home and worked at retail or food service jobs making somewhat similar amounts of money, I can attest to the fact that there was a difference in how each child managed his/her money. In any group of siblings, it seems one is the “banker” who diligently saves and has more disposable income and on the other end of the spectrum, there is the “shopper” who wastes money on things he/she really does not need and is therefore routinely financially in extremis. The “banker” of my children was able to save 10K to buy a nearly new vehicle with cash, went on a 16-day trip to New Zealand that cost 5K from saved funds, is planning a London trip later this year, yet also has a generous amount of money saved for a down payment on a house AND an IRA retirement account. Meanwhile, the “shopper” moved out of the house owning an old clunker, no savings to speak of, and in credit card debt. And the irony is that the banker made less than the shopper did annually at one point but the difference in how they managed money was light years apart.

You have no college debt, no car payments apparently, you pay no rent and probably little for food, and you have barely two nickels too rub together. At age 25, you are still eligible to be covered under your parents’ health insurance. Something isn’t jiving here and I suspect you are not telling me the whole story. Even working two part-time jobs (and sometimes 3 and 4 as you mentioned) at US minimum wage, you should be grossing 12-15K per year, most of which is not taxable. I’ve had two adult kids working minimum wage jobs…I know exactly how much they netted each year. So, how is it that you have no expenses to speak of yet have no money?

How can you be working “3 and 4 jobs” at times yet have the time to attend dances and dance classes, “Friday, Saturday, Sunday…”, and, “…a lot of weeknights, too”? My family loves contra dancing but if one of them were to dance this much per week while claiming to be financially unable to leave the home, there would be some serious discussions about priorities. If you had to scrape together the money to take dancing lessons, that tells me you are not in a good financial position to pay for the necessities of adult life such as car repairs, and have no long term goal to save money to be able to leave your parents’ home. I am beginning to suspect, perhaps, why your parents are resistant to watching you dance or taking dance classes….you present the case that your dancing is an obsession at a time when you don’t have the means to afford that kind of luxury.

As for telling your parents where you are going, when you will be back, where you are staying the night, and how you can be reached, this is basic common courtesy everyone should extend to those they live with. If you were married, your spouse would have a very reasonable expectation that you will relay that information to keep him apprised of your whereabouts. If you had roommates, this is, again, a courtesy one gives to those one lives with so that they do not needlessly worry about you. So, no excuses for failing to inform your parents of your plans to be away from the home.

Theater Theatrics

January 14, 2015admin152 Comments

Over the weekend, I attended a play at our local high school. It was a fundraiser for a theater in a neighboring city. It’s a very nice event, but in order to maximize seating, they hold it in an auditorium, rather than the normal theater. This was the first time it was held it my town. I have season tickets to the theater and was very excited that they were doing something in our town.

Having been to the fundraisers before I knew to line up early as all seating is general admission. We had five people in our party, and there were about 20 -30 people in front of us. As the doors open, all of the people went down the more visible, but longer, hallway to the right. Knowing there was a second door on the left, I went that direction, thus starting the split flow of people into the auditorium. This is important because it meant that my party was one of the first into the auditorium.

The auditorium is arranged with five rows in front, a large aisle way, with the majority portion of the seating behind that. Knowing the auditorium, I went to the first row of that second section, as it’s just about eye level with actors on the stage. Perfect viewing in my opinion. There was no one in this row yet, but someone had saved the first four seats (by placing jackets on them) so I moved past those to the center. (Saving seats this way is common at the high school, as the performers often save them for teachers, parents, and crew of the play)

Suddenly, this woman comes barreling in from the other stairway- literally running in the row. She throws up her hands and says ” these are ours”. She quickly turns to her party and asks if they have enough seat then turns back to me and announces that they don’t have enough. I checked with the last person in our party, and there were a couple seats between her and the saved seat, so we moved back. Freeing up two seats for the woman’s group. We sat down and she says ” We still don’t have enough. There are nine of us, you’ll need to move”. My only reply is ” I’m sorry. There is still plenty of seating in the other rows.” After grumbling, she sends her two teenagers in her group to sit somewhere else.

Now, being this is a family friendly play, I expect a certain amount of whining, crying, and other issues that comes with having small children in a three hour play. But I was not prepared for what happened next. The woman placed her 6 year old next to me. The child could not sit still. Up, down, up , down, up, down. It was really wearing on my nerves. Worse was the fact that she would turn in her seat and put her feet on me, getting my pants dirty. The mother did nothing. When they returned from the lobby at intermission and the process started to repeat, I asked the child if she could please try not to put her feet on me. The mother freaked and demanded to know why I was speaking to her child. I repeated my request. “She’s doing nothing wrong!”. I disagreed and told her that I understood that it was a long performance and some fidgeting was expected, I would appreciate it if my pants weren’t subject to her childs shoes. “Well, I never…!” she started to reply. In for a penny, in for a pound- I interrupted and told her that I though the woman behind her daughter would probably appreciate her remaining in her seat, rather than standing and obstructing her view. Much to my surprise a voice said ” I really would, it’s quite distracting”. I hadn’t realized she had been watching the exchange.

To her credit, the woman did try and keep the child somewhat settled for the second half. But midway through, the child needed to use the restroom, and they couldn’t get out of the row. So she started screaming. ” I need to go!”

After the play, the woman behind us thanked me for speaking up.

All in all, it was a wonderful play, but definitely tested my patience and my etiquette skills. 0112-14