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It’s Polite Spine Day On Ehell! A Triple Whammy of Spinelessness!

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Story #1 Uninvited Dorm Room Guests

Oh, E-Hell, I need advice on how to deal with a perpetually rude “friend”.

My roommate Sarah and I are in our first year of college and live in the dorms. During the very first week we were here, we met Kayla, who lived in our building. We got along okay and ended up frequently sitting in the dining hall together by default, since we didn’t know many other people. About a month or so in, we started noticing certain habits of Kayla’s that made us a little irritated and uncomfortable.

Kayla is from a very big city thousands of miles away. Now, the town we go to school in isn’t exactly a bustling metropolis, but it’s an extremely diverse, good-sized college town in the mid-west, and it’s never boring. Apparently, this isn’t what Kayla expected. “This city doesn’t have a train system? Wow. Are there really farms outside of town? Gross. You guys call it pop? Uh, it’s definitely called soda.” Constant bashing! Having lived most of my life in this area, some of her comments really strike a nerve.

Kayla also takes it upon herself to be the social chair of our group of friends. Sarah and I are more homebody, keep-to-ourselves types, and in the fall Kayla decided she was going to change that and have a dinner party. At Sarah’s house (about 30 minutes away). Using Sarah’s kitchen. Sarah and I, along with about 5 of Kayla’s friends (who we have met, but aren’t particularly close to) received a text telling us we were invited to this party and we each needed to contribute $20 or so to cover the cost of food. I’m not sure if this is reasonable or not, but because I come from a poor family and can only afford college on a lick and a promise, I told Kayla that I wasn’t able to attend because I could not afford it. She made fun of me, telling me that I was using that as an excuse to not have to socialize.

Although Sarah and I have been dealing with Kayla inviting herself into our room unannounced for hours at a time all year, the kicker came last night. Kayla, along with her roommate and a friend, came into our room (which we still haven’t figured out how to politely deal with!) and announced that we were all ordering pizza. Sarah and I already had some leftover Chinese and weren’t really in the mood for company, so we politely declined. Kayla said, “Oh, okay, we’ll just get one for us, then!” and ordered a pizza for the three of them, which they ate in our room after spilling a glass of water on our carpet (which Kayla did not offer to help clean up, but her friend and roommate did).

She stayed and chatted with her friend for the next two hours or so, while Sarah and I were quite obviously studying. At one point, Kayla seemed to notice and said, “Oh, you guys are studying, maybe we should get out of your hair” to which we agreed, but she still did not leave! Her friend and roommate even started lounging on Sarah’s bed!

Our room smells like pizza, Sarah’s sheets have a light coating of shoe dirt, our carpet is damp, and we’re very confused. Unfortunately, this is not the first time something like this has happened! Should Sarah and I confront Kayla about her presumptuous behavior? How do we deal with her constant unwanted comments and “parties”? 0422-13

I can imagine a plethora of Ehell readers crying in unison, “GROW A POLITE SPINE!”   You and Sarah might as well have “Doormat” tattooed across your foreheads and a sign on your dorm room door that says, “Spineless Doormats Live Here”.

First, who cares what Kayla thinks about your home town?   Confident people who are secure in their beliefs are not going to be bothered one iota with someone who disagrees with them.   “Hitting a nerve” only exposes the fact that you have a nerve that can be manipulated and tweaked by people who take pleasure in getting a rise from others.   I do my darnedest to make sure no one places me in that kind of vulnerable position of reacting emotionally to their opinions.

Second,  if you and Sarah are studying, close your dorm room door.   Lock it.   An open door is an open invitation to enter and socialize whereas a closed door sends the message that you are serious about studying with no distractions.    If you choose to answer a knock on the door, promptly tell your guests that you are in the midst of studying and can only take a short break to socialize and then you will have to get back to work.     Chit chat for 10 minutes and then look at the clock and say, “I’m sorry, I have to get back to studying for this exam.  I enjoyed this brief break with you.  Perhaps we can meet at the dining hall at 7 for dinner?”

Story #2 The Frazzled, Spineless Secretary

Our company secretary, “Janie,” was late to work today. Why? Because her late husband’s brother’s ex-wife (got all that?), “Dolly,” had phoned her at 9:00 last night and did not hang up until 11:30, after a conversation so emotionally toxic that Janie was unable to get to sleep until after 3 a.m.
Janie told me the story during our coffee break.
It seems that three years ago, Dolly’s husband, “Rick,” cheated on Dolly and Dolly asked him to leave. Rick promptly went to his elderly and ill parents’ house and has been sleeping there ever since.
“Sleeping” is the correct description, because even though Dolly and Rick are “separated,” Rick still drops by:
*Whenever he wants to see the grandchildren;
*Whenever he wants a home-cooked dinner;
*Whenever he wants to pick up some clothing, most of which is still stored there;
*Whenever he wants Dolly to update the books for his business.
In other words, Dolly is still providing access to their grandkids, feeding him, keeping his clothes and mementos stored, and doing his books. But they’re “separated.” And Dolly wonders (seriously!) why Rick won’t leave Her and come back home.
That’s not the issue.
The issue is that Dolly, who grew up in foster care, is 60 years old and unable or unwilling to take responsibility for her own actions and their consequences. She has a well-used lineup of blame dolls all standing in a row behind her and she will stick a pin into whichever doll suits.
It’s Rick’s fault that Dolly is a wreck.
It’s Rick’s fault that Dolly’s finances are a mess.
It’s Janie’s fault that she stayed up talking on the phone for 2 1/2 hours.
It’s their 30-year-old daughter’s fault that she had five children and criticized Dolly for not being available for free 24/7 child care and made Dolly feel guilty.
It’s Rick’s parents’ fault that they are giving aid and comfort to their son.
It’s Rick’s fault that he won’t file for divorce.
Etc.
Janie, our secretary, is tired, sick, and worn-out after approximately the six thousandth time of being put through the emotional wringer. Why is Janie always the sounding board? Because neither Rick nor their two grown children are willing to put up with Dolly’s insecurity, need for control, fear, and manipulation. Dolly seems to be afraid that if she ever made a decision, she would have to live with the consequences.
Janie asked for my advice.
I advised her to grow a Polite Spine. I even gave her a little script.
“Dolly, how nice to hear from you. I’m sorry, this isn’t a good time to talk. It’s getting late and I have a few chores to do before I go to bed. I’ll talk to you later. Bye!” And hang up. Repeat as needed, even if that means 30 or 40 repetitions.
I advised Janie to interrupt Dolly or talk over her … simply talk while Dolly is talking … because Dolly sounded to me like one of those very experienced kvetchers who is capable of talking in such a way that she never pauses for breath, never comes to the end of a sentence, and never lets a word in edgewise.
“Do you object to hanging up on or interrupting telemarketers?” I asked. No, Janie didn’t.
“This is like that,” I said. “Dolly is taking your time to bend your ear about something you have been over with her many times before, and you’re not interested in buying. She won’t take your advice and she won’t change her behavior. Just like you feel OK with hanging up on a telemarketer, it’s OK to hang up on Dolly.”
Janie said: “Then she’ll bad-mouth me to (other relatives).”
Who are they going to believe, I asked, you or Dolly?
Janie was grateful for a sympathetic ear, but I’m not sure she’ll quite be able to grow that Polite Spine.
Tell me, fellow E-hellions, was my advice on target? Is there anything more I can do, short of possessing Janie during these phone calls and cutting Dolly off myself?  0417-13
You cannot change nor save people from their habits.    Janie may want to change but she’ll have to hear the “script” maybe dozens of times in order to gird up her courage to actually do it.   On the other hand, she may be a drama queen facilitator and actually enjoys, in a sick way, being victimized so that she can whine and get sympathy.

Story # 3 Doubting The Polite Spine

I’m wondering what the admin and the fellow Ehellions would have done in this situation.
My mother-in-law is someone who is known for requesting odd things. She and her siblings were throwing together a huge birthday bash for her father’s 80th birthday who lives over 1500 miles away. The weeks leading up to the party she had asked my husband a couple times if she could have some pictures of me and my husband as they were planning on putting framed pictures up at the party of her father’s children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren etc.
About a week or two before she left, I e-mailed MIL a couple different pictures of myself and her son. Despite this, one day before she left to fly across the country she asks me, “Can I borrow the wedding picture of yours already framed in the living room?” I proceeded to ask “in my living room?” I knew she had her own framed wedding picture of me and her son because we had given her one after our wedding, so for some reason I thought maybe she was asking permission to take that. She said, “Yes, the one sitting on your end table.”
I basically proceeded to tell her that I was sorry, but could not accommodate her request. I felt a little bad about it, but I also told myself (and her) that the frame our wedding picture was in was an expensive one from a family member and I wouldn’t want anything to happen to it during extensive travel. It is also one of my home decorations. The fact that she requested to borrow a displayed, framed wedding picture, fly it across the country and give it back to me who-knows-when, seemed odd.
I later asked my husband if it was rude that I told her no, but he reminded me that I already sent her pictures of the two of us a week or two before and that her lack of planning did not justify her traveling across the country with one of my favorite home decorations!
Should I have just given it to her?
Why are you second guessing your polite spine?

Playing One Roommate Against Another

admin32 Comments

A short while ago, my friend Steve asked if he could crash at my place after a work function he had been invited to where I happened to live close by. This was no problem with my roommate or myself, my roommate knew Steve as well, so no issue at all. He never mentioned the exact date. Error number one, I should have asked exactly when this party was, but I thought he would bring it up again nearer the time. He did bring it up again nearer the time. On the day of the party to be exact. I, unfortunately, had made other plans and would not be at home that evening. and my roommate was on call for work so would also not be around. I explained this to Steve, apologized that I would not be able to accommodate his request as it was too short notice, and though I appreciated that he had asked in advance no date was specified and both my roommate and I had other commitments that evening. Steve was understanding, agreed that he should have confirmed earlier and I thought that was the end of it. Unfortunately not. This is the text message that I then received from him:

‘Hey. I’ve just spoken to [roommate] about crashing at yours. I’ll be needing a key or something to get back in later if your [sic] out. ’

I immediately called my roommate to find out what had transpired between them as I thought I had made myself clear. It turned out that Steve had called her and told her that I had said that it was ok that he stay over, despite the fact that we would not be there, and that SHE would be able to give him a key to let himself in and back out again! When she had told him that she would be unable to accommodate that request, he sent me the above text message to make it look like my roommate had said the same thing, and that I would give him MY key. Honestly, the nerve! As if he thought that as roommates, we didn’t communicate with one another and wouldn’t work out what he had done. Needless to say, he did not stay at our house that night. 1221-12

It’s A Suite Life In A Dorm

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I am a Freshman in college and also an avid reader of EHell. As such, I find myself fussing over little etiquette conundrums constantly because I’m not very socially competent. (In fact, I’m actually really incompetent at making/keeping friends. I tend to get clingy even though I don’t mean it, and every attempt I make to back off just looks spiteful to the other party. But that’s a whole different story and not one to be shared on EHell.)

So, ignoring my pathetic ranting, this is mostly a question due to my own disabilities.

I’ve moved into a dorm with three other girls, and we are, because of the suite-style nature of our dorm room, required to keep our bathroom clean (since a shower covered in soap scum is just not okay). To add to that, we also do dishes regularly, seeing as a good majority of the time, we eat breakfast inside the dorm and on Sundays, the cafeterias are not open. However, due to a skin condition that is normally aggravated by cleaning supplies and most soaps, I’m not allowed by my doctor and my family, to clean dishes or the shower. I do clean the toilet, since that doesn’t require I get down and dirty with the bleach and will happily be the person to take out the trash or some other chore that need not require chemicals. One of my roommates, however, grew up in a home where she did most of the chores and generally takes control, doing the dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the shower, etc. The other two roommates seem okay with this arrangement, but I can’t stand seeing her doing all the work on her own. Even when I offer to help, she generally pushes me off (always with a smile) and tells me not to worry about it. The two of us have taken on the unofficial role of “Dorm Mothers” as well, and generally while she (I’ll call her J) cleans up the dorm, I take care of the other two girls (K and M) when they return to the room on the weekends completely drunk and/or high. (I also go out and buy medicine for my roommates when they’re sick, since I’m the only one who has such a miserable immune system that I’ve practically memorized what every OTC medicine does.) I don’t think it’s as big of a job as cleaning the whole dorm alone, but, as I said, any attempt I make to help is always cheerily pushed away.

I thank her constantly for all her help, since I would never be able to do anything on my own and she really is an angel of a roommate, but I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough to thank her. Sometimes, I feel like she’s gotten annoyed with my constant thanks, but at the same time, I wonder if she’s expecting me to do more to thank her, since I’m absolutely terrible at reading people.

What do you think? Am I being paranoid and nervous about something trivial? Or do I truly have to up my way of showing gratitude? I don’t want to be a boor or lazy, and J is such an amazing person and so nice, I don’t even want to think about making her unhappy. 0930-12

You are offering to help and looking for ways to be of service to your roommates, particularly the one who does the bulk of the dorm cleaning.   When she waves off your offer of help, cheerfully reply, “Well, I’ll go clean the toilet or dust then!”    What you don’t want is the appearance that your offer is a nice platitude that turns out to have no substance when it is actually accepted and you must therefore promptly decline due to medical restrictions.  You cannot offer what you cannot do.    Some chores you can include on “able to do” list would be putting away the clean dishes, dusting, vacuuming, window cleaning (using white vinegar and water),  proactively decluttering the suite of trash, using a Swiffer Wet Mop to do the floors,  even Chlorox makes this shower cleaning pad that goes on the end of pole for easy shower scrubbing with no contact with cleaning chemicals.    Perhaps you discuss an arrangement where you cook, she does the dishes and you put away the clean dishes.

As for expressions of gratitude, I am of the opinion that one cannot be too lavish with it.   But gratitude can be expressed in other ways than simply verbally.  Be sure to do your share of the work to make the dorm suite run smoothly in a timely, routine manner so as to not overly burden her.  Running errands such as a fast food trip, asking her if there is anything at the grocery store you can pick up for her,  etc.

I would not worry about how your fellow dorm “mom” roommate interacts with the other two lazy roomies.   One aspect of etiquette that we don’t discuss enough on this site is the concept of minding own’s business when it comes to being offended for those who are themselves directly offended by others.  There isn’t grace for those who pick up the offenses of others.     So, if your roommate has issues with the other two roommates, that is between her and those two. You make sure you are doing your best not to offend her yourself and all should be good.

Could Be The Basis For A Roommate Horror Movie

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It is hardly worth me listing the awful things that went on at this particular house. I could go on and on. But the beginning and the end of the tenancy show the most awful examples of ehell, the rest was fairly pedestrian in contrast. By the way, for those readers who hate it when people don’t assert themselves, I hate that too. But I’m English (hate to make a fuss) and was young and passive… this experience totally beat that out of me.

I was 21, just out of University and had been offered a fantastic job at a world famous institution in London. I was asked to start in two weeks time. It was my first real job and without any other commitments I agreed to the start date. I began a house hunt as I couldn’t realistically commute from my home village. Not knowing London very well the task of finding somewhere suitable: affordable, commutable and safe (!), was daunting to say the least. Friends who had graduated a year before and were settled assured me it would be fine. Seeing as there is such a high turnover in London I would surely replace someone in an existing house share without a problem.

I found a house quickly, and was all set to move when I was basically messed about (an ehell story in itself) by the tenants of a house in East London. Panicked I renewed my search.

I managed to find a lovely house in Clapham (South London) the same day and took the hour and a half journey from my village to view it immediately. S, the current tenant, who showed me around was really bubbly and went on about how great everyone in the house was. The picture she painted was like an episode of Friends, with hi-jinks and a lot of love. S reeeeeally didn’t want to leave but had just lost her job and had to go home to the Midlands, hers was the room on offer. She was looking to move out the next day. Seeing as I was desperate and had planned on moving that day originally it all seemed to come together. The house had 5 bedrooms, but the landlady wanted only 4 tenants for insurance, tax and compliance purposes. The other tenants were 2 Irish boys, who I met there and then, and a girl E who wasn’t there. As E and S were childhood best friends, she had asked S to judge who she would get on best with. There were other people looking around at the same time (which was incredibly awkward, and almost like an audition), but S pulled me aside and said “we like you best, and I know you and E will get on so well, do you want my room?” I was so pleased, relieved and to be quite honest a little flattered to have been picked that I said yes. The landlady came over to check me out, she asked about my job and approved. She said she was relaxed about the date we paid as long as we were consistent and it fell before her mortgage was due. She was recently divorced with young children and needed cash (dodgy but I felt for her as I grew up in a single parent household). She lived on the same street so we could walk to her house and give her our rent individually. She said she would come over with a tenancy agreement when I moved in.

I arrived the next morning having hauled my stuff with my boyfriend by train from my village and across London transport (not pleasant – but I couldn’t afford a van rental). I arrived at the house at 10am. S met me at the house and was very excited and bubbly as before. She said her dad was coming to pick her up at 11am, he was on his way. I walked into my new room to find it was very much still S’s room. Not a thing had been packed, there was no sign that she was even going to start. When I move I dress casually – generally your appearance is the last thing you consider when you know you’ll be lugging stuff about and cleaning and unpacking. But there she was all dressed up, hair and makeup done. She’d clearly spent the morning preening – it was galling. I couldn’t understand her priorities. I asked if she needed any help with getting stuff to her dad’s car when he arrived or anything else before he arrived (basically offering to help pack without trying to draw attention to the fact she hadn’t started yet, which could have embarrassed her.) “no no its fine, my dad will do it” was her blase response. It didn’t seem to occur to her that my boyfriend and I were there for me to move in – which I wouldn’t be able to do ’till she had moved out. It was really quite inconsiderate. But with only an hour to wait for her to leave I said nothing, an hour didn’t seem so bad. I gave her a cheque for her part of the deposit and waited for the landlady to bring the tenancy agreement.

About 20 minutes later S got a phone call. She came back into the room screeching that she’d just been offered another job. “OHMYGOD ITS AMAAAAAZING. I don’t have to move now… oh no, but what about you?” I said I’d have to move back home, that she was still on the tenancy and I would just have to commute for a while until I found somewhere. I congratulated her on the job. She turned to me and said no, she couldn’t do that to me. She hadn’t accepted the job yet, and she had to consider it. She said she should honour the commitment and agreement we had made. What a lovely person, right? Anyway, she added, she could just crash at the house as there was a spare room. The housemates wouldn’t mind, we just wouldn’t tell the landlady. It would only be for a few days. I felt uncomfortable about this as the landlady was clear about why she only wanted 4 people and said she should speak to the landlady when she came. When the landlady arrived S pleaded with her to let her stay. I could see the landlady was reluctant, but she said okay, as long as S paid a 5th of the rent pro-rated for the time she spent in the property. That it was not a permanent thing – she had a week maximum. The landlady would keep the tenancy agreement as it was until S moved out. S would keep my money for her next deposit and I would get mine when I eventually moved out at the end of the lease.

So S brought her stuff out of her room with my help, and her dad had to turn around and drive all the way back to the Midlands. The room was messy. But I’d no idea of the true extent. I went to the local shop with my boyfriend to pick up some cleaning materials – the housemates owned none. S was upstairs when we returned and my boyfriend went to make tea. I walked into the bedroom to see she had cleared the last of her belongings, and was confronted by a HUGE bloody stain across the mattress! I could tell it hadn’t been there that long. Horrific. I was embarrassed for her, she had said nothing and acted as though nothing was wrong. I went about hiding it, before my boyfriend could see it. Somehow I felt ashamed of it. I expected S would come in and clear it up. I approached her with tact and mentioned the room was a bit dirty (hint hint hint), but S acted as though there was no problem and went out. On reflection I think this was down to the fact that she was a filthy individual and had no concept of cleanliness. I was a total doormat, but I couldn’t leave it there so with utter revulsion cleared it up as best I could. I cleaned the room to an inch of its life before setting it up. I would have taken the spare room but S was in it and I thought I could move into it after she left in a few days. I really should have insisted we swap rooms then and there.

So now that she was staying for a few days the truth (her version of the truth) of the house all came out. The boys, she told me, were awful. Messy. Inconsiderate. S and E loathed them and had really tried their best with them. Having just cleared up the most horrific sight I’d ever seen I took this with a pinch of salt.

Fast forward a month and S hadn’t left despite us asking her to go. I soon learned that E was never going to be a friend, she was controlling and dramatic. Rarely there but totally over the top and highly strung when she was, she was unpleasant to be around. Apparently her junior role in marketing was the most stressful job ever and me and the boys (a structural engineer, a hedge fund manager and a political aide) couldn’t understand what pressure was like! E made next to no effort with anyone despite us asking her out for drinks or offering to make house dinners. Despite being supposed “best friends” whenever E was away S would bring men back (particularly one E disapproved of) and sleep with them in E’s bed. They didn’t socialize together and bitched about each other constantly. The boys on the other hand were lovely. Yes they were a little messy, but nothing out of the ordinary. In fact it was the girls who lived up to S’s description of the boys. The house had two bathrooms. The girl’s bathroom and the boy’s bathroom. I quickly took to using the boys because the girls one was truly awful. Of course when theirs got so bad they’d use ours, so I’d spend ages scrubbing the filth they left behind in their old one so we could use that instead. I had gotten over my initial passiveness and would tell them to clear up after themselves but to no avail.

Things came to a head after I had been there for 3 months. One day the landlady came over and started shouting at us about rent. She said she had allowed S to stay on the proviso that she actually paid rent, which she had failed to do for the entire time. She said she was taking a risk having her there and was really upset as S had assured her it would be for a matter of weeks. S refused to move and threatened to tell the Inland Revenue (UK Tax Man) that the landlady was evading tax. It was devastating to see the landlady’s face, as she was confronted by such a nasty, vindictive and manipulative individual. Me and the boys backed the landlady. S had no justification for staying in the house. E could only say how stressful it was for her to have the conversation – but really I think she was avoiding saying anything against her supposed best friend.

I called the landlady later and told her that I had walked into a minefield that I hadn’t signed up for. I could put up with E (just) and the boys were lovely. We’d had no knowledge of the fact that S was not paying rent. As S was holding the landlady to ransom and with my name not on the tenancy it would be easier if I left and she could deal with S without the threats. The boys would attest that I hadn’t been there if asked, I didn’t know about E. She said she didn’t blame me for how I felt. It was an awful mess. She had seen how lovely I kept the place it was a shame to let me go and offered my deposit back out of her own pocket. I refused and assured her I would make S pay seeing as she had lived rent free and with my deposit in her account – she finally did pay but only after I found someone to replace her. I moved in with my boyfriend and spent the next three years commuting a heck of a distance, which whilst costly and tiring was far better solution than putting up with S and E. 0805-11

Cohabitation Consternation

admin58 Comments

I am currently in a horrible situation where I feel etiquette has been breached.

I am a resident at my college, and my roommate and I have been close all year. What happened the other night changed all that.

We had agreed in the beginning of the year that we would not entertain male guests overnight, as it made me uncomfortable, and feel morally wrong. My roommate, E, began dating a young man (whom I don’t care for) during the school year, and had asked for him to stay a few times, which I allow due to extenuating circumstances, and out of respect for our friendship, although I was uncomfortable.

E Facebook messaged me the other night, when she was at home, asking how I’d feel if she brought him home. I said it would make me uncomfortable, as I didn’t want to be taken advantage of yet again. She continued to force the issue, calling me. I told her that if he came down, he would need to sleep across the hall in the boy’s room (co-ed dorms; I have asked the occupants if it was ok). She freaked, cursing at me, saying she would “never forgive me for this,” “F- you, you’re being f-ing unreasonable, we’re coming whether you like it or not.”

Well. I was horrified, having never been spoken to like this, least of all by her. We have been very close, and I couldn’t believe she was reacting like this. She did bring him back, but they slept elsewhere. She refuses to speak to or look at me.

E’s boyfriend goes to a different college, about an hour away from our school. E didn’t tell me her whole story; apparently, her BF had no ride to his school. She could have either dropped him off, and come back, or stayed there. She instead decided she must have both, because she wanted to go clubbing with a friend that night, and be with her BF. She wanted me to be miserable so she could get what she wanted.

I believe her behavior is way out of proportion, and childish. She knows I dislike her boyfriend (he gives me the creeps, and other friends are in agreement, and he cheated on her multiple times), and I was not going to go sleep elsewhere, and be kicked out of my home because they wanted to have sex, and I believe I had the right to. I feel very disrespected; both as a friend, and as a roommate whose contract has been breached. I’m terrified to even speak to her, and don’t even want to be in my room anymore due to the hostility felt. She also blocked me on Facebook, and when I told her I wasn’t here to fight, but that I needed to protect my privacy, she ignored me.

So she asked me a question, expecting an answer, but got one she didn’t like, and threw a hissy fit. I know there are only a few weeks left of school, but living like this is not fun.  0322-11

When you allowed the “contract” to be breached due to “extenuating curcumstances”, your roommate had already tested the boundaries and found them weak.    So, the first step is to figure out where your line in the sand is and then don’t cross it.   Your line keeps shifting which somewhat negated the social contract you had, at least in the mind of your roommate.

When you revert back to the original contract agreement, all hell breaks loose because E has been allowed to get away with murder, she likes this arrangement and boy, is she going to fight to keep it that way.  E morphs into one of the weirdo aliens from Planet Booron and throws a tantrum of galactic proportions.  Poor baby.   Her wings got clipped and she’s a fluttering frustrated moth.

No one should feel guilty for having a polite spine.   We should be the calm in the storm of self-absorbed tantrums, blissfully carefree as to the drama unfolding around us by those with less refined restraints on their emotions.  One should become like the Margaret Mead of etiquette…quietly, with academic stoicness, studying the odd behaviors of alien beings as if conducting field study for an anthropology degree.