Showers – Page 2 – Etiquette Hell

Showered In Private

September 25, 2013September 24, 2013admin88 Comments

I recently attended the baby shower of a friend I’ll call Marcie. Her sister (who lives in a city about an hour away) hosted the shower but it was held at Marcie’s house. I know it’s usually considered tacky for a family member to host the shower–but whatever. (As a side note, Marcie and her boyfriend have a lot of friends and I’m certain someone would have hosted a shower for her if she hasn’t thrown her own.)

I searched high and low for baby items I thought Marcie and her boyfriend would like and would be useful to the baby too. The day of the shower when everyone arrived, gifts were piled into a corner, and people began eating and chatting with each other. About an hour into the shower I began wondering when she would open her gifts. Soon others and I began asking each other, “So, when is she going to open the gifts?” About an hour and 45 minutes into it I realized she WASN’T going to open them and left when others started to leave too. I was so disappointed!

I have 2 thoughts on this–first, when I give a gift to someone, it is theirs, and they should be able to open it whenever they please. However…in the context of a baby shower, it just smacked of “gimme gimme.” All the presents were stacked high into the corner at her house and it just seemed greedy. I had been so excited to see Marcie open the gifts I’d picked out and was incredibly disappointed she chose not to do so. Not only because I had spent a lot of time shopping for her, but because seeing what the mother-to-be receives is the highlight of a shower. It’s just so fun to see all the little clothes and things!

Later Marcie posted pictures of herself, boyfriend, and older daughter from a previous relationship opening the gifts on Facebook.

Was my disappointment an overreaction? Have you ever heard of the guest of honor at a shower NOT opening her gifts in front of the guests? Everything just felt very “stack your gift in the corner with the others and don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out” to me. Would love your thoughts! 0923-13

Basically you and others were invited to a party celebrating the impending arrival of a baby and the entrance “fee” to this party was a gift. Not opening gifts at a shower relieves the mother-to-be of having to express any face-to-face gratitude to specific individuals and further relieves her of the obligation to feign gratitude for items she would have preferred to have not received. She opened her bounty of gifts in private where her disdain for the choices some gift givers made would not be seen. The all important question now is whether she will write sincere thank you notes to all who gave generously to her.

Now you know the score on this particular “friend” so that you are prepared for the next event that has some implied expectation of gift giving.

Bee-autiful Baby Shower

September 19, 2013September 18, 2013admin51 Comments

My friend is having a baby and her due date is the first week of February. I gladly said I would host a baby shower for her and was planning a first week of January shower. I had a theme I was going to use… “What will it bee” and/or “Mother-To-Bee” using a cute bumblebee theme with black and yellow colors. Last night, her sister texts me and said she was hoping we could do the shower in my backyard because she loved my backyard and that she was thinking November since the baby is due first week of February. Then she said,

“I was looking up non gender themes. I know (her sister) doesn’t want animal themes so it’s pretty much down to kids story books. What do you think of either the giving tree or where the wild things are? It’s still a work in progress.”

I was rather taken aback by such forthright planning on her part… since I am hosting the shower. I, of course, want it to be nice and something my friend would approve, however, I thought I was planning the shower? I replied,

“I was thinking about a bumble bee theme… ‘What’s it going to bee? Or Mother to Bee?'”

She said,

“Oh, that’s cute, too! Okay, I’ll look it up and get back to you.”

I’m stunned… should I be stunned or should I just go along with whatever she decides? I suggested we run it by her sister/my friend but she replied that she just wants to be surprised and that they really have no nursery theme other than painting the room light yellow with blue and having a tree painted on the wall….

Please HELP! I have a small home, too, and nowhere to really sit 15-20 people (I’m wondering if this is why she may have wanted it in my backyard). The weather is usually pretty nice in November in South Texas, however, you never know what Mother Nature is going to do…. I guess I could rent table and chairs for the backyard but was going to try to keep the shower within a budget since my husband is retired and I’m nearing retirement. And, it would be much easier to decorate a room than it would to get the backyard in tip-top shape and rent tables/chairs?

What would you do if you were presented with this set of circumstances? Time is of an essence and if there’s any possible way to received guidance soon, I would really appreciate the help!!! 0914-13

I’m completely confused. Your house is not big enough to host 15-20 people? What does this number have to do with the differences of opinion on themes? And why would guests need tables and chairs in the backyard but not in your house? You’ve tossed in some details of this shower that make no sense in relation to the chosen theme of bees.

If this is merely a thematic difference of opinion, one must determine what standing the mother-to-be’s sister has in the hosting of the shower. Just because she is related to the M2B does not give her carte blanche to hijack your party. But don’t overlook the possibility that she is trying to help you, not usurp your choices.

Graciously Gritting One’s Teeth When The Shower Theme Is Not To One’s Liking

February 2, 2012admin55 Comments

This is a situation that’s occurring right now. My mother decided that she wants to throw a baby shower for me and asked me what I would like. I told her that I want something small and simple, since I have not had an easy pregnancy to date and do not want something complicated. I told her that I would love a tea party themed shower. Now, she then called my best friend up to ask for her input. My best friend also told her the above. I received a call from my mother, who had already booked a fairly upscale restaurant for an elaborate party. My mother spoke with my husband, telling him what she had planned to see if I would like it. DH explained to her that it was not a good idea, that a simple tea party would be best. She then decides to guilt trip both my husband and myself because she had already spent the money on this party, which I would rather she not do at all. She has decided to do what she wants, regardless of what we want. It has become a competition to her to upstage my SIL’s mother for what she had done for my SIL’s baby shower. Is there anyway to either get her to drop this elaborate party or drop hosting duty? Thanks for any input. 0201-12

Showers, whether they be for a wedding or a baby, are not supposed to be hosted by immediate family members. The reasoning for this is that it has the appearance of the family colluding to prevail upon others to provide the necessary items to either set up a house or equip a nursery they themselves are not willing to purchase. Generosity begins at home, as they say, and the family should be the primary resource for acquiring these things. Yes, I know there will be the usual dissenters who insist that a shower is to celebrate the birth of a baby but please, don’t go there. If you want to celebrate a birth in the family, call it anything else except a “shower”, which the very name carries a very implicit expectation that gifts are expected.

So, you’ve agreed to your mother hosting you a baby shower. Having stepped onto the slippery slope of etiquette by condoning her inappropriate hosting of a shower, you are on there for the whole ride down, I’m afraid. At this point, it would be very distasteful and rude to decline the shower on the grounds that the theme and location is not to your liking. Hostesses can solicit ideas and preferences from the guest of honor but they are not bound to follow them. Guests of honor must hope their friends and family will host something in keeping with their personal tastes but if that does not happen, the only alternative is to buck up, grit your teeth graciously and enjoy the shower.

The Entire World Is Invited To My Baby Shower

August 3, 2011admin39 Comments

So today I saw an invitation on Facebook for a baby shower. Seeing it had my SIL attending I opened it up. First thing I read was “It’s a Girl!” which shocked me as I thought my SIL is expecting a little boy. I soldiered on, taking note of the location. I saw 11 were attending…17 were Maybe…82 were not and 387 awaiting reply. 387??

I searched the invite text and realized that the person who created this invitation was NOT a friend of my SIL’s throwing said SIL a party, but a friend of my SIL who was throwing HERSELF a baby shower—with an invite open to the public. Oh, and in case anyone needed it, she was registered at (baby store) and here was her registry number. I took a quick peek at the registry and was pleasantly surprised to see it was for a reasonable number of useful items that varied in price, not the usually Gimme registry for expensive items no baby would ever need.

Then I saw a post that made me laugh. One of the invitees had posted to the event wall, “Congrats on your baby, but I don’t even know you, and don’t know why I was invited!” I had to decline as well.

Let this be a lesson that, if one is to make an online invitation to an event, it is best to mark it as private NOT public. 0802-11

Listen To That Twitching Gut…It’s More Of A Gimme Pig Detector Than You Think

July 28, 2011admin67 Comments

When my co-worker, *Jane* was pregnant with her second child, some of us at the office decided to throw her an office baby shower since her first child was 11, and this was her first child with her new husband. I and three other co-workers took on the responsibility of hosting and informed Jane of our plans. A few days later, Jane informs us that none of her friends or family can host a shower for her, and asked if we could make the work shower an “everyone shower.” She said her sister and mother couldn’t plan anything or help out ahead of time, but was willing to help out the day of and contribute financially. We already have a bad feeling about this, but smile and agree to host the shower for all of her friends and family.

Initially we had planned to have the event at a small conference center at our office (since it was initially only for our office of 20 people), but Jane’s sister informs us that their mother wants it moved to the rec center at her apartment complex. Again, we agree. Jane’s sister also tells us that she and her mother will contribute to the food since we will now be expecting a few more guests. A few more? When Jane provides us with the list, it has over 60 names in addition to our co-workers. Still, we plug on…

On the day of the shower, we arrive at the complex and find we are the only ones there to set up. Even though Jane’s mom lives at the complex and her sister is at the mom’s house, neither of them come over to help set anything up, not even the food they promised to provide. My co-workers and I hustle to decorate and one runs to the nearest grocery store to get more food since without the promised contributions from the family we don’t have enough. Finally, less than five minutes before the guests are set to arrive, Jane and her family saunter in with a small tray of appetizers (good thing we had already purchased more). Jane sits imperiously in the chair we had set up for her and does not move again for the rest of the shower. She doesn’t greet guests or speak to anyone who does not come to her. NO ONE in the family assisted us with anything. No one offered to help us serve food, take gifts, or anything. They certainly didn’t stay to clean up. And throughout the shower, the ONLY time anyone in her family spoke to us it was to tell us that a tray needed to be refilled. They clearly saw us as the hired help, as opposed to work friends who were hosting a beautiful and expensive shower for their daughter/sister.

As Jane opened gifts from the guests, she never said “thank you” or even positive comments like “how cute.” She simply opened them, looked at the gift, put it on the table next to her and reached for the next gift. We had taken up money from all our co-workers and purchased the expensive stroller Jane had registered for as well as a tall wicker laundry basket that was FULL of smaller items, including several handmade gifts, spending well over $500. I know you don’t buy over-the-top gifts for the accolades, but I was shocked when Jane looked at it all, and moved on without a word. We had put every penny our co-workers had contributed towards gifts (splitting the entire bill for the shower between the four of us), and purchased considerably more than she should have been expecting, but not even a murmur of appreciation. Fortunately, by this time, her bizarre behavior at work has also alienated most of her co-workers, and only one co-worker outside of the four of us that hosted showed up for the shower, so at least our co-workers did not see this rudeness (and we have never told them).

A few excruciating hours later, my co-workers and I are cleaning up (without help) and are stunned by the way that Jane and her family had treated us. None of them helped at all, contributed financially, or even said thank you. By the time it was over, we glad that Jane was planning on her quitting her job to stay home with her baby the first year. By the way, Jane never sent thank you notes to any of us that hosted. She didn’t send a thank you to the office for the gifts until a former co-worker called her (several months after the shower) to tell her she thought it was rude that Jane never acknowledged the gift. At that point, Jane sent a generic thank you to the office. 0727-11