House guests, party guests,
I got married back in 1991 and like any good bride
and groom we decided to do the traditional save a piece of the wedding cake to eat on our
first anniversary thing. I had an old high school buddy named "Buzzard".
"Buzzard" came over one night about a month before our anniversary, plopped
himself down on our couch, flipped the TV channel to what he wanted to watch and like any
guest from hell, started making long distance calls from my phone.
Well this was a week night and about 2 am after countless hints from me that my wife
and I were tired and had to work early in the morning, I gave up and announced to
"Buzzard" that my wife and I were going to bed and could he please turn off the
TV and lock up when he left.
Then next morning I got up and got ready for work and expecting the worse, finally went
downstairs to survey the remains of my house. Everything looked fine and I was actually
relieved until I got into the kitchen when I immediately saw cake smeared all over the oak
table, carpet, sink, etc. I figured it could've been much worse than some leftover fridge
cake cake smeared all over the place, when I stopped dead in my tracks as I realized we
hadn't had cake any night that week and the only cake I knew of in the house was our
wedding cake which had been waiting patiently in the freezer for the last 11 months!!!
Sure enough my "Buddy" from hell had got into our freezer and ate our wedding
cake with his bare hands. Needless to say my wife was not pleased nor was I.
My brother and I have lived at opposite ends of the continent most of our adult lives,
so it was with real excitement that I made arrangements to introduce my new boyfriend to
he and his wife. I'd met her before and though our styles are substantially
different, I really did like her -- at one time. The ostentatious Formica palace they call
home is the single avenue open for discussion; topics for conversation pretty well stop at
the property line. As an added delight, she had just lost 50 pounds and looked great --
there were countless digs about MY weight! (Ahem, I have never BEEN overweight).
In the course of our incredibly short (three days -- it seemed much longer) stay, she
insisted on throwing an elaborate dinner party that had her distracted, frantic and
short-tempered. I can't imagine why -- on the big night it was up to my brother to cook
the entire meal -- his birthday dinner, as it happened -- after a working day that had
started at 530 a.m.
What fun! She dutifully handed around a canape that seemed to be composed of molten
cheese encased within a flap of damp cardboard. As I romantically offered a bite to my
beloved, a drift of cheese-lava snaked out onto my hand, lifting the skin. As I abruptly
got up to leave the room with as much decorum as I could muster in the face of searing
pain, she shrieked "Don't get any on the rug!" I would have to say in
retrospect, that that was probably the high point of the evening.
They are devoted to some obscurantist vegen cuisine, the central tenet of which seems
to be that each meal must take my poor brother an improbably long time to prepare in
splendid, unspoiled solitude. The rest of us sat and talked about (what else?) the
house. My sister-in-law drank. Her sly hints about her sexual prowess became broad
references -- by the end of the evening she was quite openly coming on to my boyfriend!
My new husband and I had just moved into our
house, and we decided to throw a housewarming party. I invited some of my friends, he
invited some of his. Some of his friends brought some of THEIR friends, so I ended up
having quite a few guys in the house I didn't know.
At one point I went to the kitchen for something and ran into one of those guys coming
in from the back deck. He was grinning and zipping up his fly. "Er, what were you
doing?" I asked. "P***ing off the deck," he chortled. I was appalled, but I
didn't say anything (which I still regret). The house had two bathrooms, and they weren't
even occupied, so this moron had no excuse - he just felt like being a moron. The nadir of
the evening came later when one of my friends spotted one of the
friends-of-my-husband's-friends coming out of our bathroom sniffling and wiping white
powder from underneath his nose. edhguests0718-00
I just have to tell this story. It's one of those
A month after the beautiful, extravagant wedding of a wealthy friend of mine (call him
Alan), he and his wife (Aretha) hosted a very chic house-warming party. They had spent a
fortune decorating their new flat in white and cream designer-name furniture and rugs and
wanted everyone to appreciate their new home.
Now, none of our friends really knew or liked Alan's new wife too much, as she was
always TOO perfectly dressed and poised and seemed to snob us mortals a bit, but we were
always polite. The party was intimate, not more than 25 closest friends. There were hired
waiters serving champagne, whisky and little finger foods and soft music in the
At one point during the evening, after we had taken a tour of the house, we were
sitting in a group on the brand new, silk sofas talking about the decor. Mark, a good
friend of Alans was sitting with his long-time girlfriend, Caroline on one side and
showered Alan and Aretha with compliments on their beautiful home when they came up to the
group. As Aretha was thanking them, a waiter came up with some fried chicken balls on a
tray and napkins in the other. Mark took one of the balls and very daintily put it in his
mouth but forgot to take a napkin. Then, as the hostess was talking to him, he started
looking around for somewhere to wipe his greasy, bread-crumby fingers, all the while
nodding in agreement at whatever she was saying. His eyes wandered over the table, then
over the side-table, then over to Caroline, then back to the table, the floor, Aretha,
back to the side-table and finally came to rest upon the new sofa's armrest.
Yup, you guessed it. Before anyone could stop him, Mark daintily and carefully wiped
all the grease crumbs off his fingers and onto the creamy silk of the arm-rest covers of
the new couch right in front of Aretha, still nodding and smiling at her even though she
had by now stopped talking and was just staring, open-mouthed, at the grease spots.
Caroline slapped his hand like a little boy and said, "Mark!" He basically
yelped and glared at her, then looked up at his hosts and said, "That's what
they're for, right? To protect the couch. Tell her."
I must admit, Aretha was very polite. All she did was half-smile back, discreetly call
over a waiter and ask him to give Mark a napkin and said not to worry and that it would
come off. I think I would have freaked. There's no way that stain is coming off easily.
Of course this isnt the only reason why, but Mark and Caroline arent
together anymore. edhguests1002-00
A friend of ours was graduating from medical school and invited my husband and I to a
dinner in honor of the graduates. Everything was very elegant and tasteful, the
dinner delicious, and after the speeches there was dancing. All through dinner the
table next to ours was a little loud with celebration, but nothing too bad. After
dinner is another story.
These people proceeded to get rip roaring drunk. They were shouting to each other,
drinking the wine straight from the bottle, totaling forgetting where they were at.
An older lady, who was built like a broom and was wearing a dress just long enough to
cover her butt, got up to dance with two young (aoout 11 or 12) boys. She really got
into the music, kicking her legs high in the air and boogeying way down low with her knees
spread so far apart you could see to China. Everyone was appalled except her table.
They just roared with laughter and egged her on. I couldn't believe how they were
acting in public, but in front of young children was truly horrendous. Why no asked
them to leave is beyond me. I don't know where these people were from, but the idea
of one them being a doctor makes me slightly nauseous! edhguests1023-00
My worst guest story is about guests that didn't
even make it to the
My fiance works with a couple of people he also considers his friends. One day they all
mutually decided that they would get together for a movie marathon. This meant viewing a
movie and all of its sequels with lunch in between (like watching all the Indiana Jones
movies or all the Star Wars movies)! It was also mutually decided that the event should be
at my fiance's house since he had the most space. I got all psyched and went to the store
the evening before and went all out with food and drinks. My fiance said that several
people were planning on coming so we planned for about 25 people--counting spouses and
The day of the big event we got up early and set out chips and dips and sodas etc. The
party was supposed to start at 1200 PM. Noon came and went and no one had showed up! I was
starting to get upset and even questioned my fiance if he was sure they said they were
coming. He assured me that they said they would definitely be coming. About 300 PM two
people showed up. This was in the middle of the 2nd movie--we'd started them at noon
because that's when we said they would start. We had even eaten lunch so the couple that
came late had to eat by themselves and left precisely after the 2nd movie ended.
I decided that maybe my fiance misunderstood them or something even though he
sent out cool invitations and reminded them all about it the day before. When he
questioned them about it they said they forgot or "something came up."
A couple of months later, the same pals come to him begging for another movie marathon
because they were now "deeply saddened" at not being able to make the last one.
My fiance agreed and the date was set. Again, we went all out. Don't ask me why, but we
fooled ourselves into believing they really had emergencies the last time. Well, noon came
and went and no one showed up. My fiance had sent invitations again and reminded them all
of the date beforehand. The whole day passed and not one person showed up! I even made
this HUGE salad that I ended up only being able to eat half of before the whole thing went
bad. I was so angry that I told my fiance "The next time that they come BEGGING you
to throw a party for them, you tell them that this time they need to have it at their
house and they can spend $75 on food and drink. Then I'LL be the one to say, " I'll
come and then just not show up. See how they feel."
When questioned about it again they still had no plausible excuse. I was so hurt by
this display by his "friends" that I questioned MY friends at MY workplace to
see if my fiance and I were a boring couple. They assured me that we weren't but my fiance
& I agreed that would be our last stint at throwing parties for awhile.
During the summer I hosted a barbeque. As I was trying to be polite I invited my
next door neighbor. We were all enjoying the day and she finally showed up.
She sat far away from everyone,not speaking. Just as everyone was finished
eating she pointed to a friend of mine whom she had never met and stated,"I need you
for about 15 minutes". We all laughed and thought she was making a joke as he
was young and single. She then pointed to another male and said,"I need you
Thinking it was a joke they got up and stood in her yard as she said she would be right
back.....She came back with a garbage can and said, " I want you two to pull weeds
for me for 15 minutes." Everyone gave her royal cain and she went to
pulling weeds herself saying she thought it was a weed pulling party.
My son is developmentally disabled and as a result
I felt it would be wise not to throw him any of those big chaotic kiddie birthday parties.
Instead I planned small events where a reasonable amount of order could be maintained. I
also have a small yard, small house and a small budget. I did however plan these parties
down to the last detail, including giving every child a prize after every game to avoid
any potential hard feelings and tears from the losers. They were neat prizes too. I
shopped all year for nice, but inexpensive prizes and bought four of everything.
Well, for my son's sixth birthday I invited two neighborhood children and my best
friend's son, all of whom were five and a half to six years old. My best friend and her
family had moved fifty miles away but planned to bring her son and help me with the party.
When party time rolled around my friend had not arrived, but one first grade boy came
and then the little neighborhood girl showed up with her father's girlfriend's son in tow.
She announced that it was all right because he had brought a gift. I thought it would
prove interesting to have five children in attendance with prizes for four. Ultimately my
friend never showed so I gave her son's prizes to the uninvited guest.
I was annoyed because he was much too young for the games I had planned and kept going
back to the ones we had already completed and asking for additional prizes. Also, the
focus was supposed to be on my son, the birthday boy. His mother (whom I had never met)
could have at least CALLED to ask if he could be invited or just knocked on my door if
need be. Our back yards abutt each other. She would have felt ill used if I had sent him
home. Who puts a four year old kid in the position of being a gate crasher?
Last Thanksgiving, we invited my parents and my
brother and his wife to spend the holiday with us. They all accepted. We got busy making
the house all nice and planning the menu. My brother enjoys certain dishes that are not of
the usual Thanksgiving fare, so I made some of those for him to enjoy at his request. We
shopped and bought enough food for a small army.
The day before Thanksgiving, my parents arrived. We were expecting my brother and his
wife sometime Thanksgiving morning. But instead of hearing the doorbell ring, we heard the
phone ring. My brother explained to my mother that he didn't feel well so they'd be
staying home. We all expressed our concern and sent good wishes for his health.
Later that afternoon, my mother, being the mom that she is, called my brother's house
to check on him. My sister-in-law answered the phone. When my mother asked to speak to my
brother, she was told that he was at a friend's house watching the big game. Hmph. More
pie for the rest of us! edhguest1117-00
In August, I met a male (I would insult too many
by calling him a man) who worked near my office. We went out a few times and played phone
tag for a while. In November, saying he was still interested in me, this person visited my
home. The second time he asked to use the phone twice, claiming the calls were
work-related. I haven't heard from him since. I wouldn't have a problem with that --
except it's a month later now, and I just got my phone bill. I wondered why my usual
$45-50 bill jumped to $68 and realized that this guy called a 900 personals line A) FROM
MY HOUSE, and B) TWICE IN A 15-MINUTE PERIOD! The calls didn't break me, but with
Christmas coming, these seven minutes cost me $15 I would rather have spent elsewhere.
Naturally, I've cleared his number from my Caller ID. edhguest1217-00
My husband's, brother's wife (I hate to claim her as MY sister-in-law) has to be the
worst house guest--bar none!
Karl, Karen and their two teen-age children came to the country for a long weekend .
Boy, was it a long weekend! My husband only gets to see and visit with this brother in
person maybe twice a year, so he was very excited. Andrea, my step-daughter and our
grandson were also there to round-out the guest list. Late in the afternoon, Karen
and Andrea decide that they need to go shopping in a nearby town. They asked me if I
wanted to go with them. I declined, because, as I explained, I needed to finish preparing
the rest of the meal to be served that evening. I had been preparing food all day in fact,
and told them what we were having. They went ahead without me on their shopping trip.
Approximately 30 minutes before dinner was served, they returned. Karen had brought
back TACO BELL for herself and the children and stated, "Nothing here looks as though
it would taste good in my mouth". This is not a vegetarian who has just been
shown a steak. We were having smoked baby-back ribs, coleslaw, kidney bean salad, hot
rolls, potato salad and strawberry shortcake for dessert.
Guess what she got from me this Christmas--A COOKBOOK! I should have included Taco Bell
coupons inside the front cover. edhguest1227-00
We have had the rather difficult situation of
wanting to keep in touch with a friend without having too much contact with her latest
Example 1. My husband and I invited Sally to a 'music night' at the College where I
work. She was very enthused about the prospect of a relaxed evening out and asked could
she bring her new boyfriend, Tom, along also. Of course, we were more than happy for that
and were also curious to meet her new love interest...My initial reaction to Tom was
rather lukewarm and rapidly cooled during the evening. He was reluctant to join in any
conversation and basically our friend, Sally answered all of the questions directed to him
while he just sat there. I gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking he may be shy.
At interval however he looked painfully bored and again refused to be drawn into chit chat
and this continued for the whole evening. They then had coffee at our flat and after
hearing that my father had recently suffered a stroke Tom made some poor taste "three
weddings and a funeral" jokes. When we had seen them off, my husband told me that
when Tom had first arrived he had been very interested in whether there would be any
members of the College Council present that he could be introduced to, and when he was
told there wouldn't be, it was apparent he felt he'd wasted his time.
2. Sally was moving interstate for work and we invited both her and Tom for a casual
BBQ dinner get together. We arranged a time for 630 pm but when they hadn't arrived by 715
we thought we'd fire up the BBQ. When they did arrive at 730 Tom decided that although we
had provided vegetarian food he wanted to buy some other provisions and disappeared to the
local store. He returned with some groceries and bottles of soft drink for himself and
Sally even though we had provided ample selection of drinks - we weren't offered any of
this food or drink. My husband cooked the BBQ and both Tom and Sally only ate what they
had bought. Tom is not vegetarian but refused the food we had provided. He then mentioned
that while he had been out he "phoned a few of his friends who wanted to catch up
with Sally too" and he had taken the liberty of inviting them to join us after
dinner! So these friends arrived as we started on dessert and they were as communicative
as Tom but eager to have some dessert, mind you. We felt that we had not only been put on
the spot but our hospitality had been taken for granted. These new arrivals were reluctant
to leave. We still keep in touch with Sally via email but are wary of playing host again!
Page Last Updated May 15, 2007