of the Year
Stories which earn the coveted honor of actually making
Miss Jeanne bust out laughing or cause some lower mandible rug rubs.
Jan-Jun 2000 Archive
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Jan-Dec 2001 Archive
Jan-Jun 2003 Archive
I attended a wedding of my sisters SIL (her
husband’s sister). I didn't know the bride well or the groom at all. The
wedding was in my town and my sister, who lives out of state, had a
1-year-old whom I wanted to see badly so I went.
Upon arriving at this quaint chapel
surrounded by woods and picnic tables, I began to look for my sister. I
walked down the hill to get to the first floor of the chapel. I noticed
nearing the bottom that a woman was sprawling out on a picnic table clad
in a leather teddy, fishnet hose with garter, dog collar around her neck,
black lipstick and eyeliner and spiked pink hair. It seemed like she was
posing as a crack-whore for a cover shoot for an S&M magazine. I hoped
she would disappear before guests began arriving so it would not cast a
pall on the wedding.
I went inside, found my sister and niece
and we began talking and visiting while the bride and her party were
getting ready. To make ourselves scarce and give them some space, we moved
to another room where the baby could play. My sister then introduced me to
her husband's aunt who had just come in the room to see the baby as well.
We began a friendly chat and she mentioned that the reception would be
held at a smaller building down the hill from the chapel. Suddenly
remembering the shady lady down the hill, I informed my sister that
someone better run off the dominatrix laying on the picnic table down
there so the guests would not be scared.
My sister froze. I saw utter panic in her
eyes and she glared at me. Before I could think what I had done wrong, the
aunt informed me that the dominatrix was her 16-year-old daughter, a
wedding guest. Was I horrified? YES! It haunts me to this day. I can never
face my BIL's family again. Faux
This was the wedding of a distant cousin of
mine. They decided to hold it in an old country church that the bride's
family was involved with for generations. Sounds like a quaint, charming
idea, but in this case it wasn't very practical. The church had been
closed for about 35 years and had fallen into considerable disrepair. It
was still structurally sound but the roof was falling in. The bride's
father and brothers, at their own expense, repainted the whole place and
re-roofed it. The day of the wedding was quite late in the summer, and the
church was in the middle of what is now a farmer's field. There was a
flourishing wheat crop surrounding the church, so nobody could drive in.
Everyone, including the bridal party, had to park on the road and traipse
through this waist-high wheat crop in their nice clothes and shoes. The
MOB, who was in a wheelchair, was transported to the church by putting her
on a utility trailer which was hauled in by a farm tractor. Very
The church was way too small for the number
of people there, so about half of the guests had to stand outside and look
through the windows while the ceremony was going on. There was no
electricity to the building, so the windows were the only source of the
light. Of course most of the light was blocked by people peering in the
windows, so the church was very dark inside.
On to the reception where it looked like
they were trying to keep the rustic country theme by scattering hay bales
all over the place, including the middle of the dance floor. This could
have had the desired effect if the rest of the wedding hadn't been so
tacky - the hay bales just made it look tackier.
The MOG had her own catering company, and
she was catering her son's wedding along with her three
daughters/employees. Between the ceremony and the reception they changed
into their "working clothes" which consisted of t-shirts, shorts
and sandals or thongs. On arrival they disappeared into the kitchen, where
they didn't emerge until about 10 o'clock, so they missed all the
speeches, toasts, etc. The FOG was seated at a table alone with assorted
grandchildren, whose mothers were working in the kitchen. He made
half-hearted efforts to contain them as they ran amok throughout the
dinner and speeches.
When it came time for the bridal couple to
dance with their parents someone was dispatched to the kitchen to fetch
the MOG, who came out wiping her hands on a towel to dance with her son,
then went straight back to the kitchen. The performance was repeated a few
minutes later when the bridal party did their dance - one of the daughters
working in the kitchen was a bridesmaid. It was charming to see her
dancing with a groomsman in her T-shirt, cutoff shorts and thongs, while
the other bridesmaids still had their nice dresses on. Of course, by this
point she and her mother had been in the kitchen for several hours, so
their clothes were filthy.
The rest of the wedding went all right -
over the course of the night the hay bales all got moved to the edge of
the room as people tripped over them. The amateur country and western band
wasn't really my cup of tea, but other people seemed to enjoy dancing to
them. Oh well, at least nobody got in a fight...
Faux Pas 0810/03
An excellent example of why
it is important to delegate tasks to someone other than immediate family
on the wedding day.
Betty, a friend from college, got engaged.
Since graduating from college 5 years earlier, we had grown apart some and
only saw each other for the occasional dinner after work or party at a
friend’s place. Therefore, I didn't necessarily expect to be invited to
the wedding. About 4 months before the wedding, Betty, another friend from
college, and I got together for dinner. As could be expected, the
conversation included a discussion about the wedding plans, including the
time and date and that my husband and I were on the invite list (I even
put it on my calendar with her sitting right there).
Fast forward a month, and I received the
"Hi Lauren. How are you? Unfortunately
this e-mail is not bearing good news and I apologize in advance. When we
had dinner last month, our guest list had not even been close to
finalized. The biggest problem Jeff & I have had with our wedding is
the number of people we want to invite vs the number of people our
reception room can hold. Our list started with 350 people, but the dining
room can only hold 220. Since February, we have slowly cut people, both
family & friends. Every time we talked about the list, it ended up a
war with me crying and stressed and Jeff not wanting to worry about it
yet. Because the invitations have to go out the first week in September
and I will begin addressing them next week, Jeff & I finally acted
like two, mature adults and finalized the list. It was extremely difficult
and took us over two hours as we had to cut about 40 additional people. We
decided the easiest way to cut the last 16 were to do those who we talk to
occasionally and rarely see. I am soooooooooooooooooooo sorry, but I had
to cut you & Derrick from my list. Since we don't see each other that
often, I hoped you wouldn't be too hurt. I also had to cut two of my close
girlfriends (Samantha & her husband, and then my crazy friend Alex)
from high school because I only talk to them every couple weeks and see
them maybe once a month. The guest list is down to 250 people and we are
now praying for at least 30 regrets when the invitations go out. Although
finalizing the list didn't end in a war, I still ended up in tears feeling
bad about not being able to invite you guys. I really am sorry!! I hope
you understand? Your guilt-plagued friend-Betty"
I'm an understanding person, especially
since I experienced my own drama when planning my wedding. I would have
completely understood if I was not invited to the wedding to begin with,
but after being given a verbal invitation, I think it was heinous for this
"friend" to disinvite me via email. If she had to disinvite me,
the least she could have done was tell me in person or over the phone.
Obviously she talks to the 250 invitees more than she talks to me, so she
clearly just didn't have the time to squeeze in that phone conversation to
Faux Pas 0820/03
My story is of one hellacious event,
beginning to end.
In college a new friend of mine asked me to
be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I
agreed even though we had only known each other a few months.
I should have had an inkling that this
wasn't going to be smooth riding when she couldn't decide on wedding
colors and told us (the bridesmaids) to "pick whatever."
Finally, after much pushing from the bridesmaids (and none-to-soon as the
wedding was weeks away) the bride scheduled a day so we could pick out a
dress--since the bride refused to pick a color, cut, or design for the
bridesmaids dresses. Two of us (we'll call the other girl Becky) drove
almost 2.5 hours to the bride's hometown to shop for this dress with the
other bridesmaids and the bride. We spent 7 hours driving around the town
with no idea what we were looking for, the bride didn't like anything we
had suggested and refused to give us ideas of her own. At the end of a
long day, we were all getting testy with one another, the bride picks up a
JCPenney catalog and points to the first dress and says "Here, this
is fine, we'll all order this one." Great. Swell. I could have done
that from home.
Then time for showers. Two of us
bridesmaids (me and Becky) lived in the city where we all went to college
with the bride. We offered to have the bride a shower since campus was so
far from her home. We were thinking a small intimate gathering with close
friends. The bride made a list of 140 people (some of whom she had not
met, but only worked with, had class with, or were in her sorority and
hardly knew her). When the other bridesmaid and I suggested to her that
perhaps this was too many, the bride got upset and mailed the invitations
herself before we knew what she was doing! Becky and I tried to be good
sports and plan for this--we knew 140 people would not be there, so we
planned food for half that number. Keep in mind the other bridesmaid and I
were living on the meager college student income.
The morning of the shower Becky and I were
planning to pick up our cake, mints, nuts, fruit trays, veggie trays, and
decorate after our morning class. The shower wasn't until the evening. The
bride checked in early and wasn't satisfied with our progress...she
freaked out and called her mother 2.5 hours away (without telling us, of
course). Her mother owns a Chinese restaurant. Apparently she told her
mother we weren't even having food.
Therefore her mother works her staff double
time to get full course meals of food prepared for 140 people that night!
She also didn't like our decorations (cute table clothes with a simple
vase of flowers in the middle and some wedding bells and garland,
etc.)--she called another friend who's mother was a florist and begged for
more professional arrangements (also, without telling me and other
Imagine Becky and my surprise when we are
putting the finishing touches on our food that evening when the bride's
mother pulls up in her catering van and unloads hot, cooked meals for 140
Oh, the best part? Twelve people showed up
for the shower. That's right.
Twelve, including me and the other hostess.
Apparently we weren't the only ones having issues with the bride....
As if the events leading up to the wedding
weren't enough to kill our warm fuzzies about the bride, the day of the
wedding just got better. Becky and I drove separately to the wedding from
our college town 2.5 hours away.
While getting ready for the big day we were
told to leave our personal belongings in the pastor’s office "for
safety". During the ceremony someone broke into the back of the
church and stole everything we had put in the "safe"
spot--including my analog and digital cameras, jewelry, money, credit
cards, phones and house and car keys.
Chaos ensued afterwards when we discovered
all of our stuff missing. Becky and I made phone calls to our boyfriends
to bring us spare car keys from our college 2.5 hours away, we had to call
college housing to get new room keys, credit card companies, banks, etc.
We then went outside to give our report to the police. The other local
bridesmaids gave their reports and then they left for the reception being
held several miles away. The bride and groom also left. Since Becky and I
have driven up the night before and had our overnight bags with us, we had
the most stolen. It took us longer to talk to the police. While we were
outside talking to the police, it would seem everyone else left and locked
the church up. So once we finished giving our report we went to return to
the church and discovered all the doors were locked (too bad they couldn't
have done that earlier, eh?) and no one was left on the grounds. Everyone
had left for the reception and forgot about the two of us. Of course, we
didn't want them not to enjoy the day, but it would have been nice if
someone would have offered to give us a ride since we were carless. But we
sat outside, in the dark--with no phone, for more than 2 hours waiting on
our boyfriends to arrive with spare car keys. We can assume not one person
realized we were missing from the reception since no one came back for us.
When our boyfriends arrived we just went home and skipped the reception,
or what was left of it--as whatever festive feelings we had after the
robbery were soon brooded out at the knowledge we had been forgotten.
The cherry on the sundae was when they
caught the couple that had broke into the church. It would seem they had
broken into 19 different churches over a 3-month period. The police caught
them when they tried to use some of our credit cards at Wal-Mart. Great
that they caught them! However, Becky and I then had to take time off from
school to drive back to this place to testify that, yes, these items were
ours. It was very nice of the bride's father to come to court that day to
support us, but the bride and groom sent their regrets they couldn't make
it--they were busy that day.
Needless to say Becky and I have had very
limited communication with the bride since the entire fiasco.
Faux Pas 0830/03
A few years ago I flew home to New Orleans
to attend my cousin "Andrea’s wedding. Our family is all Catholic,
but Andrea's fiancé "Luke" came from a Baptist family.
Now it should be understood that we are
talking about New Orleans here, the land of Mardi Gras and Bourbon Street.
Mardi Gras, believe it or not, is a religious holiday at root, which
should give you an idea of what brand of Catholicism is practiced there.
Drinking and eating and generally making merry are very important aspects
of any ceremony, especially a wedding. Luke himself, as far as I know, did
not have a problem with any of this, being an extremely... exuberant kind
of guy (as we will see later), but I can imagine the fun and games which
went into deciding just what kind of wedding this was going to be.
I wasn't privy to the negotiations
preceding the wedding (thank God), but the determination of both families
to have a religious ceremony resulted in what I thought was a fairly
bizarre compromise: they decided to have both a Catholic AND a Baptist
Of course, Andrea's parents evidently
scored much more in the way of leverage here (probably because they and
not Luke's family were paying for it), so the eventual result was that
Andrea and Luke were to be married in a Catholic church, with the priest
conducting a full Mass, and that a Baptist minister would be responsible
for the Homily (or sermon, in Baptist services). Having attended a Baptist
service before (as well as going to Mass for most of my life), I was
morbidly fascinated to see how this would proceed!
I mean, it sounds all ecumenical and
friendly, doesn't it? Heh. I have rarely in my life seen a man who looked
more uncomfortable than that Baptist minister, sitting up there next to
the altar boys while the Mass went on. The family and friends on the
groom's side of the church looked almost as ill at ease as he did. I think
Andrea's parents scored a definite coup in winning the venue.
But oh, the sermon the minister gave! My
sisters and I sat there with mouths open as he went on and on about Adam's
rib and the woman was created to be by the man's side and obey him and
succor him and etc. etc. Can I just say "puke"? Why Andrea
agreed to this topic for the sermon is just beyond me; if I'd been the
bride I would have whacked him upside the head with my bouquet. Jeez.
And of course, this strange hybrid wedding
they had made up took twice as long as it normally would have. The actual
marriage ritual was kind of hilarious, since it was performed by both the
priest and the minister, and it had obviously been laboriously worked out
beforehand who got to say what part of it all. All told, the ceremony
lasted almost *two hours* before we could get out of there and head over
to the reception.
I had been dreading the reception a little,
because we didn't know who had won the alcohol/no alcohol war, and really,
if you can't drink at a wedding there's just no point. Turns out they had
compromised there too - there was wine and beer, but no hard liquor or
champagne. Whatever, I guess it was better than nothing, though it seemed
really silly to me to have to toast the couple with freakin' *Chardonnay.
I mean, at that point what's the difference?
Anyway, the reception went on with no major
mishaps until my aunt - the MOB - noticed that the groom, the best man,
and all the ushers had mysteriously disappeared. Since they hadn't yet cut
the cake at that point, MOB predictably began to panic, demanding that
Andrea produce her new husband like she had hidden him (and the best man,
and all the ushers) under her dress or something. Andrea had no idea where
he was. No one did.
All of a sudden, the double doors to the
reception hall burst open and in marches the ushers, with black leather
jackets over their tuxes and black sunglasses on, and they quickly
surround the stage, crossing their arms and doing their best to look all
forbidding and stuff. The best man, who had crept up to the stage
beforehand without anyone noticing, hijacked the microphone from the
wedding singer: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands
together, and please welcome [dramatic pause] the one! The only! Elvis!
And you guessed it - in sweeps Luke, in
full Elvis regalia, including wig and guitar. My sisters and I all said,
as one, "Oh, he *didn't*!" From where I was standing I couldn't
see Andrea's reaction, but I could see my aunt was about to DIE from
mortification. She turned around and around, telling everyone in earshot,
"I didn't know about this! I'm so sorry!" and so forth, red as a
beet. Meanwhile Luke jumps up on stage and orders the stunned band to fire
up "I Can't Help Falling in Love with You."
("Could have been worse," my
sister whispers, "He could have decided to sing 'Hound Dog'.")
Fortunately for Luke, once the guests got
over their shock most were willing to go along with the gag and pretend to
be screaming Elvis fans. And to his credit he did do a pretty credible
Elvis impersonation. The "bodyguards" swiftly dragged Andrea to
the foot of the stage so he could serenade her, and to *her* credit she
laughed and blushed rather than getting angry or embarrassed, though with
a certain air of unsurprised resignation that made me chuckle. I guess she
knew her new husband better than her mother did.
Trust Luke to make sure no wedding of his
would be "ordinary". To this day, my aunt turns beet-red if you
so much as mention "the Elvis incident".
Faux Pas 0905/03
The Elvis Incident was
cute. The storyteller's belief that it ain't a weddin' unless there
is freeflowing alcohol out the wazoo is not cute.
In 1981, I was waiting tables in a
higher-class steak house (not overly formal, but expensive with excellent
food and service). Many patrons were
somewhat informal in how they dressed, but that is typical of the relaxed attitude of the city in which
One evening, I had just served a party of
five when I saw one of the women at the table unbutton her blouse, open
her bra, expose her breast and begin nursing an infant while she ate. As I
could see other patrons at other tables could and were noticing what she
was doing, and being too embarrassed (as a nineteen-year-old male) to
speak to her directly, I grabbed a waitress and asked her to take one of
our oversized napkins to the woman. I hoped the woman might take the hint
and use the napkin for a little modesty.
When the waitress offered the napkin to the
woman, the woman immediately took offense and began loudly to preach that
what she was doing was normal and natural and that no one should be
offended or embarrassed by it. Her extremely vocal protest was causing
more of a scene and drawing more attention than the breast-feeding ever
could have. Before the waitress had a chance to react, an older and very
refined lady seated at the next table leaned over to this woman, looked
directly at her, and let loose a most vociferous belch. She then stated in
a calm and sweet voice that that too was normal and natural, but most
people refrained from doing it in public.
The waitress turned white and walked away.
Most of the tables sitting nearby whom had heard this exchange burst out
in laughter and a little applause. The party of five left quickly while
casting quite angry glares at the whole restaurant. Needless to say, I did
not get a tip - but I did tip handsomely the poor waitress for her
Faux Pas 0924/03
My husband and I are professional
photographers, and, by and large, our clients are wonderful, sweet,
genuine people who hire us to realistically portray their wedding day. We
adore most of our clients, and by the end of the wedding we are hugging
family members we've never met, and are sincerely wishing the couple the
best life possible. We LOVE our wedding clients. Every time they get
married, we get married all over again.
One bride in particular, however, made us
worry about the future of marriage in general. She was the bride
from...Heck. Or slightly south of Heck.
The bride had told us this was going to be
an elegant affair, and we were prepared. The fact that the church was a
metal building in the middle of a field was not a big deal; some of the
best weddings we've seen were not country club affairs anyway.
We asked the bride to be prepared and
provide us with a list of shots she wanted. Her album contract provided
her with "100+ photos", and she took that to heart.
She gave us a list of THREE HUNDRED FIFTY
"must-have" photos. And she was wedded to that list for the
grand sum of...
She had six bridesmaids and the flower girl
was (I kid you not)... a Chihuahua...carried by a sweet, 300lb female
friend. The Chihuahua wore a wedding dress...with a veil. eew The nice
woman who carried her was treated like a prop. It was sad.
I don't remember the groom (except that he
looked like a man who had recently donated his manhood to science), but
the bride was everywhere. After the ceremony, we made portraits on the
altar. These were real portraits: a large format camera, studio lighting,
etc. She was so impatient that any photo that took longer that 5 seconds
was met with enough eye rolling that she looked like a slot machine in a
white dress. And yet, she had a list of photos that would fill up National
Geographic for the next ten years. "Could you do the ushers
pretending to do a pyramid while my groom acts like Tarzan?", would
not have been an unusual request from the bride. She kept yelling,
"We're gonna be late to the reception!!!!!" The reception was 5
steps away at the church.
The reception took place in the church gym,
and again the bride was the queen. "Whahh down't yew tayke ah
peetcher owver thayer?", was her mantra. In an average wedding, we
take 360 photos, plus the portraits we do after the ceremony. This wasn't
good enough for this bride. Either we take 9 million pix, or she's upset.
And they better be pretty, too. She kept saying, "Don't make it look
like a gym!" Lady, I'm a photographer. I'm not a miracle worker. It's
a gym. There's a basketball goal over the groom's cake. Are you blind? Oh,
by the way, did you see the Chihuahua in the dress? I can't turn her into
Marilyn Monroe. Sorry.
So, we live through the reception, and now
it's time to leave. The groomsmen have managed to shoe-polish the phrase
"seven days makes a hole weak" on the back window of the
couple's car (how cute). The groom told us his new wife/millstone had a
surprise we simply MUST photograph. He said this with the same enthusiasm
that an oncologist uses when he tells you there's nothing more he can do
for your granny.
We waited, and lo and behold, as the newly
birdseed-christened couple drove away (for their Disneyland honeymoon),
the limo skidded to a stop, and they had to throw out the bride's mother
and the groom's mother (wearing mouse ears), out of the back seat of the
limo. Why, they were going to try to sneak into the Magic Kingdom, those
cheeky devils! Then, as they drove away, the bride released two Mickey
Mouse shaped Mylar balloons.
Here's a case of a bride's fantasy gone out
of control. We were the photographers at this event--if we had been
invited, we wouldn't have stayed ten minutes. The groom was a darling, and
I'm sure the bride (under normal circumstances) was just fine. Under the
pressure of the event, she snapped and turned into Robert Duvall in
"I love the smell of birdseed and
royal icing in the morning. Smells like...marriage".
Faux Pas 0929/03
This might feel worse to me than it
actually sounds, but here goes... After my father passed away my fiancé
and I decided to shorten our engagement from 24 months to 12 months,
partly to take our minds off the pain my mother and I were feeling from
the loss. As an only child I chose a favorite aunt to be my MOH, 2 friends
and a cousin made up the rest of my wedding attendants. It is this cousin
with whom I have an issue. Let's call her "Satan".
By the way, my chosen profession is "hairdresser". That will be
later in the story.
"Satan" was peeved with my choice
of MOH and made her feelings loudly known at my Bridal Shower. Not only
did she express her
dislike for my Aunt, but reminded me that when she and I were 6 I had said
she could be my MOH when I married and she said I would be one of her
bridesmaids. She some how saw me as reneging on some kind of sacred
vow when, as an adult, I altered my plans. She did nothing to help me, the
other bridesmaids, or my MOH with anything. Including not showing up for
fittings or to pick up her finished gown.
At the wedding she drunkenly sobbed over
the loss of *my* father, ignored my MOH and picked fights with my other 2
bridesmaids, who thankfully ignored her. Fast forward 6 years...
My mother passed and I was left with no
immediate family members and my cousin had long since stopped speaking
with me. One day I received a phone call from her asking if I had gotten
the invitation to *her* wedding, I hadn't so she invited me over the
phone. I told her I would try to make it but she had given me less than
one days notice and it was an adults only function and by then I had two
children. Needless to say I didn't make it. Fast-forward 3 more years...
Not a word spoken between us and one day I
get an e-mail from Satan. She's been looking for me, worried about
me...blah blah blah. I tell her that I can't be bothered to begin a
relationship with her unless both of us were going to give equally. She
says she wants to clear the air between us. Satan wants to know why I
would hurt her so much as to not show at her wedding. Flabbergasted, I
tell her in no uncertain terms that I was disappointed that after the
death of my mother that she chose to break ties with me knowing I had no
other close family.
She says..."But, I really wanted you
at my wedding. I needed you to do my hair."
Faux Pas 1001/03
I thought you might be interested in what I
found on the web. I was searching wedding advice sites and came across
"Dear Prudence". A bride asked for advice on how to ask for
money as wedding gifts. "Prudie" (as she is known to her
readers) thought this was a fine idea, and even composed a short poem the
bride could include in the invitations. Many etiquette-minded people told
Prudie this was terrible advice, request for gifts should NEVER be sent in
the invitations, etc. Prudie promptly wrote an apology in a subsequent
column, and vowed to stop answering etiquette questions.
However, it was the responses of the people
who SUPPORTED Prudie that really disturbed me. They told her she shouldn't
have backed down on her original advice. Some thought the idea was
"awesome" and said they were planning to include the poem in
THEIR invitations. Some said the bride wrote in for an opinion and Prudie
gave the bride her opinion (as if someone's opinion is the same as gospel
etiquette). Some said this practice was "normal" on the East
Coast (funny, my family is from Boston and no one we associate with has
ever partaken in this practice). Some likened etiquette to
"tradition" and said traditions are different for every person.
Some even suggested that etiquette was "outdated" and did not
reflect the "needs" of modern couples.
All I could think of was, good Lord people!
Etiquette is not a "regional" thing, it is not the same as
"tradition" and it is not up for others to change for their
convenience. With all the terrible advice floating out there for all to
see, it's no wonder EtiquetteHell.com receives hundreds of stories a year.
Keep up the good work!
Faux Pas 1009/03
Miss Jeanne: Thank you so much for your
hilarious and informative website. For several years I worked as an
assistant in a bridal shop and it helped my fellow staff members and I
keep a smile through many difficult 'bridezillas' moments. That being
said, I never thought that I would experience wedding etiquette so heinous
that I would feel compelled to share it with you and those that read your
website, however my associates convinced me to tell my story in the hopes
of deterring similar behavior or at least eliciting a laugh or two from
My cousin, 'Robert,' the son of my mother's
sister, had met a lovely woman whom I'll call 'Lara' and had dated for
several years. They had become engaged during a family Christmas holiday,
which pleased all of us, especially my grandmother (mother to my mother
and her sister, 'Robert's' mother), being that this would be the first
wedding of any of her grandchildren. They set a wedding date for that
July, when the bride's children would be out of school. Unfortunately,
shortly thereafter my grandmother was diagnosed with a difficult to treat
cancer and passed away in March of that year.
Clearly, that spring was a very difficult
time for all of us, and to make matters worse I came down with meningitis
that May. After a hospital stay and treatment, I had begun to recover, but
meningitis can really take a toll, and most patients have symptoms for
several months to a year after the initial diagnosis and treatment. By
mid-June I felt well enough to attend their wedding and RSVP'd to the
couple with the understanding that I could not stay terribly late into the
The day of the wedding came and the
ceremony was beautiful. However, the reception that followed had much to
be desired, with not enough food or beverages (not alcohol, mind you, not
enough soda, water, lemonade, iced tea, etc) and an extremely loud,
thumping DJ asked to play the latest in popular, bass heavy music. Being
July, it was also extremely hot in the reception hall, as well as full of
cigarette smoke, enough to make anyone, let alone a person recovering from
meningitis, get a headache. We stayed for the meal, cake cutting, various
toasts, and the first dance. After spending another half an hour tracking
down the newlyweds to congratulate them and wish them the best, my date
and I quietly ducked out to let those so inclined celebrate as they
Having bought a rather nice gift off their
registry, I was pleased to receive a thank you note soon after the wedding
date. However, I was appalled at what was written:
'Robert' and 'Lara' thank you for the very
nice gift. However, I was so disappointed in you that you couldn't have
stayed [sic] longer at the reception. Don't you care at all about this
family? It shows that you don't care very much about anyone but yourself!
I hope you don't expect 'Robert' and 'Lara' to stay for your wedding!
Signed, Your Grandma 'Bertha'
That's right, the 'lovely' couple had sent
me a note admonishing me in first person as though my deceased grandmother
had written it! To this day I'm unsure as to who exactly cooked up such an
insulting and horrible idea, as I've severed all ties with my mother's
sister or her children--can you blame me?
Faux Pas 1029/03
My Daughter got married August 2003, The
owner of the Groom's company he works for introduced my daughter and her
new husband and asked to be in the wedding. This is where Hell began.
She announced at a company picnic, she was
the Maid of Honor. (not true), when we were shopping for bridesmaids’
dresses and flower girl dresses, she announces she wants something without
a back and a slit up the side to show off her tattoos. The other girls
picked out a simple straight dress, (something you can actually wear more
than once) and she complained the entire time to me, she kept saying the
bride told me she hates this dress. My daughter just kept crying saying if
I say anything she will get mad and fire the groom from the company. She
then decides her entire family is in the wedding party, her husband and
her two bratty kids, 1 boy and 1 girl, my daughter had already asked her
niece and nephew to be a flower girl and a ring bearer, so now we have 2
of each. I kept telling me daughter this was going to get out of hand and
she needed to handle this. Needless to say she didn't.
At the wedding shower, she stands in the
middle of the room in front of everyone and says she wants to walk down
the aisle with her daughter, I speak up and say well, that is not
appropriate, you are not the one getting married, there is no reason for
you to walk with the flower girl. she says well I did it at my wedding,
(the flower girl was her daughter). At this point I am ready to boil and
excuse myself for about 20 mins.
She found out the name of the photographer
for the wedding, calls him and arranges time for pictures of her family
together during the reception. I told the photographer, no way, I am
paying you for your time, do not do this, (he did), I threatened to sue
him. I will not sue him, I have other things more important in my life.
She managed to worm her way into every
picture, of me with my daughter, or my daughter and her husband. My
daughter and her groom, reserved a nice suite near the water where we live
for their wedding night and everyone went to the hotel to get dressed
(except the groom of course), I left earlier than everyone else, and she
walks into the church, yelling to anyone who will listen, hey I am going
to party tonight, I have their room keys, they won't mind if I take the
other half of the suite. She was actually telling people to meet her after
the reception, because she was going to party and she was crashing in
their room. I asked for both hotel keys about 15 mins later, and stood
there until she handed them over.
I was helping my daughter with last minute
items at the church, like checking her slip , and redoing a few curls, I
was with my older daughter (the real maid of honor), and she barges into
the room and says "Well, I'm here, so you two can leave."
I looked at her and said we are not leaving. She never missed a move, just
kept jabbering about how much weight she had lost and how she couldn't
wait to see her pictures from the wedding, and how excited she was,
because she was going to have more pictures taken, and how she couldn't
wait till the BS was finished at the church, so they could get drunk. I
just looked at both of my daughters and said I have had enough. I left.
I had everyone lined up and in their
places, ready to go, talked to my daughters and my husband for about 30
seconds, and then got myself seated, Her husband puts me in the 2nd aisle
in, I said , no, row 1, he said no, the bride said seat them in the 2nd
row, let the flower girls and the ring bearer sit in the first row. well,
I am here to tell you, God put me in that 2nd row, to keep me from killing
the maid of Hell.
She changed the entire processional into
the church, my granddaughter walked in first, then my grandson, then her
two kids are holding hands walking together, She is right behind them,
(she was supposed to be in the middle).
During the ceremony, she lines herself next
to the bride, while pushing my older daughter out of the way. My daughter,
planned on letting her niece hold her bouquet instead of the maid of
whatever (we never figured it out), the bride hands the bouquet to my
granddaughter and the maid of hell proceeds to keep pushing my
granddaughters arm, until she finally gives the brides flowers to the maid
of hell, the kids never sat in the first row, no one sat in the first row,
the mother of the groom sat in the first row on her side.
When the wedding party is leaving the
altar, everyone was to walk single file out of the church, she grabs the
best man and walks out with him.
When we get to the reception she goes to
the groom and says I have people at my table who I want moved, I butted
myself into the conversation and said, this is his wedding day, leave him
alone, let me handle whatever you need. She says I want those people
moved, I can't stand them, I tell her to put up with it for 15 mins and
then we will move them ( I never moved them, ) the heck with her at this
Well, to top all of this off, she is
dancing during the reception with one of her girlfriends she has invited,
( she invited 6 of her closest friends without telling anyone). She is
dancing and evidently thinks her dress is too long and starts hiking it
up, she hiked it up over her underwear, (what a site), her husband is
sitting there plastered and not caring and the DJ is talking over the
speaker, "we didn't need to see that side of you, " stuff like
When they do the garter toss she decides,
they are not putting the garter on the other girl right and starts with
the dress again, she gets right in the middle of it, with her dress up to
her panties and I am livid.
As if all of this was not enough, she calls
my house last week, (over two months after the wedding, not a peep from
her to anyone including the bride and groom) and wants to know why
everyone is so upset with her. I said I can't speak for anyone but
myself, and I explained to her I was embarrassed by her behavior at the
reception, and she starts screaming, she would never do anything like that
and why am I making stuff up, to get the point. She calls everyone she
can, saying I screamed at her, and no one is listening to her side, and
why am I such a witch, then she calls the groom and fires him!!
Says if he is not her friend anymore then
he can't work for her company, one of the VP’s intervened, but we really
think it is just a matter of time, before she finds some reason to fire
him. He is looking for another job and this will probably be the best
thing that ever happened to him (getting away from that bunch of morons).
Faux Pas 1103/03
Not many of the previous stories can top
this one! When I was getting married and choosing my attendants, my future
husband was insisting that I have one of his longtime friends, let's call
her A, as a bridesmaid. I was not really a friend with this girl, but to
please him I agreed although I really did not want to. She didn't really
know anyone else but me so I made an extreme effort to make sure she was
always happy. We all went out to get the dresses and of course A was
unable to make it and cancelled at the last minute. Everyone else paid for
and ordered their dresses. I reminded A to get to the store as soon as
possible to order hers as well. MONTHS later she finally did. Anyway, it
came time for the bridal shower. The other girls all got together to shop,
plan and make favors on several occasions. A was emailed and called
several times with no response. She did end up showing to one meeting and
only stayed for an hour and was not much help. The day of the bridal
shower A showed up late and did not help the others set up. They had
previously told her to bring $60 to pay for the shower. When she arrives,
they ask her where her gift was. She said I thought the money included a
gift!!! Now where are you going to pay for an entire shower and gift for
$60?????? So instead she went to a pharmacy and left for an hour. She came
back with a card and placed the $60 in the card. A promised to give the
other girls money later but of course that did not happen. Then came the
bachelorette party. She said she couldn't afford dinner and was only
coming to the bar. She did not wait for us to call her and went straight
to the bar while we were still at the restaurant. She called me on my cell
from the payphone whining and being very nasty that she had been at the
bar alone for an hour and was leaving. I told her she should have waited
for me to call to let her know the time we were arriving and then went on
ranting and raving that she didn't have her cellphone. How is that my
fault?? Fast forward to the wedding. Everything went perfectly for the
wedding and it was a wonderful day. We deposit the checks we have received
as gifts and about a week later get a letter from our bank in the mail
that one of the checks has been returned for insufficient funds. Can you
guess whose check that was....Yes, it was A's. A month later A called my
husband just to chat and casually mentioned she was sorry about the check
and would be mailing us a new one. I am still waiting for it and have been
married for a year and a half! Not only did she not give us a gift but we
had to pay the return check fee to our bank!!!!!! We have spoken to her
several times and she has never mentioned the gift again. Some people are
Faux Pas 1105/03