Etiquette Hell Bridal Showers Jul-Dec 2003 Archive

Looking for that perfect bridal shower gift? Every bride needs a commonsense guide to the etiquette that really matters. Let Wedding Etiquette Hell: A Bride's Bible for Avoiding Everlasting Damnation by Jeanne Hamilton be your guide.

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This is a tacky bridal shower story. One of my college friends "Jill" was getting married and group of mutual friends held a kitchen and cooking shower for her. The invitations requested that we each bring a favorite recipe to share with the bride-to-be. I'm notorious in our group as a non- cook. I don't even own any pots or pans. So I decided to collect a bunch of takeout menus from local restaurants (the bride is in law school so is rather busy) and tied them up with a cute bow to give along with my present.

At the shower, we opened gifts and oohed and ahhed over each one and about how good each guest's recipe sounded. When we get to mine, the bride seemed to be pleased with my "recipes" and every one got a kick out it -- except for the bride's mother. She loudly said, "Didn't the invitations say that each guest was to bring a recipe? Weren't there recipe cards sent out with each one?" The bride ignored her and opened the gift -- I had selected a nice set of casserole dishes from her registry. The bride's mother then pointed out that the gift wasn't as nice as everyone thought as that while the original price was "x" dollars it was now on sale for "y" dollars.

Later on the bride was in one area of the room chatting with guests while her mother was helping a hostess clean up. She insisted that the collection of menus or "that trash" as she called it be thrown away with the used wrapping paper.

Another tacky thing happened at the shower when a guest, who had recently got engaged, bragged about how she had registered for a certain expensive china pattern although the one she really wanted cost less. Her explanation for this is that she could return the ones she received for her "real" pattern and have the difference to spend on other things she wanted. Showers 0830/03

My sister (I'll call her Cindy) was my MOH. Mostly because she was my sister and my grandmother guilted me into it. She and I have never had much in common as she is 7 years older than I am. Well, she offered to throw me a bridal shower so I gave her all the names, addresses and phone numbers of the people I would want invited. It was a list of about 25 people of which about 18-20 would probably come since some lived out of town. Cindy thanked me and I figured it was under control. On the day of the shower, I arrived at the rec room of Cindy's mobile home park. It was decorated nicely and there was enough food laid out for over 30 people! I was excited! Well, that died down when only 8 people showed up. I was gracious to the guests who were kind enough to come and give me lovely gifts but secretly heartbroken that so many did not come. According to Cindy, hardly anyone had RSVP'd and she just went ahead and prepared food for all the invitee's figuring they'd show up. I cried when I got home. My best friend didn't come even. It was awful. Fast forward to 6 months after the wedding...

I hosted a bridal shower for a friend of mine (who, coincidentally did not come to mine). We had several mutual friends who were all there. I started one of those silly party games and mentioned that I really liked this one and that we had played it at my shower. Several girls in the room suddenly looked rather hurt. Finally, my best friend (future sis-in-law of the bride) said "what shower?" Come to find out, Cindy never invited most of my friends and the ones who got invitations received them either the day of the party or afterwards. They were all postmarked the day before my shower! My sister didn't send them invitations! What made me really angry was that I spent a ton of money hosting a beautiful shower for Cindy just a couple of months later at a fancy tea house to coincide with her Victorian wedding theme. And this was her second wedding! I'd helped with the shower for the first one! Just plain mean.

This is a story about a bridal shower I recently attended for Stacy, the bride-to-be. Stacy is the fiancée of a friend of my husband (who will be a groomsman), and they are having a large wedding with lots of family and friends. As a result, the shower had many guests who brought oodles of presents. It was held in the community room of the church where the wedding will take place. It was the third bridal shower that I have attended, including my own for my wedding a few months ago. We sat at long tables, wore nametags, ate some food and then watched the bride-to-be open her gifts, which took two hours. The only game was a sort of "Bingo" where we had to cross off the names of the presents as the bride-to-be opened them. That was the entire shower. We got a piece of cake as the bride-to-be opened her presents, and they called numbers for door prizes.

At each guest's seat was a favor that turned out to be a single white washcloth rolled up and tied with a piece of ribbon. No soap inside, a bath salts, any mints, no anything. Just a washcloth, and a rather cheap one at that. I even checked the floor when I unrolled it (I opened it at home - not at the shower); I really thought something was rolled up inside! I seriously thought there might have been some mistake. Please don't think badly of me for mentioning this; I wasn't expecting to receive anything at this shower except food (and since I'm vegetarian, I ate beforehand in case there wasn't veggie food for me to eat). Getting a favor and a door prize -- a dishtowel -- was unexpected. And I understand that the hostess might not have had the money for a more expensive favor for each guest. I would rather have gone without one, however, and I really would have neither cared nor noticed if there had been no favors at all. Nevertheless, really, a few Hershey’s Kisses would have made for better -- maybe even cheaper -- favors than a washcloth! It was truly bizarre more than anything else.

Stacy seemed to have a good time, which certainly was the most important thing, but I didn't enjoy myself. (I don't blame Stacy; she was a guest, just as I was.) The worst part was that I chose a seat at a table with one of the groom's evil relatives. She had a very loud and droning voice. Even if this shower hadn't been so dull, this relative would have ruined my enjoyment of it anyway. She went on and on very loudly about her house out in the country, how stupid some of the shower presents were (gifts the bride and groom registered for!) and so forth. I forget most of the things she said, because they were so boring and insulting, I didn't want to listen. We were seated right up front; I think Stacy might have heard her! At the end of the shower, I couldn't even hear Stacy thank all of us for coming because this relative was talking over it. One of the bridesmaids had to shush her! Awful woman. I mentioned her to my husband later and he told me that Scott (the groom) hates most of his family and could care less if they come to the wedding. I'm starting to wonder how that's going to turn out! Maybe there will be another story for you!

My cousin recently married an ex-roommate of my boyfriend of nine years (for the record, we had nothing to do with them getting together). When the wedding date was fast approaching, I noted that there had been no shower invites sent out to anyone. The day before I was going to buy a plane ticket for a once-in-a-lifetime out of town opportunity, my mother got an invitation for a wedding shower that was of course, the weekend I was planning on being out of town. To keep family peace (there were two crazy mothers in the picture) I canceled my trip and planned on going to the shower. I waited, and waited, and never got an invitation. I figured since my mom had gotten one, mine just got lost in the mail or looked over. I called to RSVP for the shower, left a message on an unknown answering machine two weeks before the shower. Two days before the shower, I was emailing with my sister in law and I said, "Well, I'll see you Sunday!" She asked what was going on Sunday, and I then learned that she hadn't gotten an invite either. Some frantic phone calls later, I learned I had not been invited to this shower (a month before the wedding, this was the ONLY shower that anyone knew about). Turns out it was the groom's side throwing the wedding and (as if a shower with the grooms side isn't uncomfortable enough) they only invited some of the aunts from the bride's side in the interest of giving them more opportunities to give gifts. I spent the weekend in tears, knowing I'd missed a once in a lifetime chance. The invites for the shower by the bride's family came the following week, a scant two weeks notice.

Oh my God! I love this site and have spent hours reading and laughing at all the gaffes. Now I have my own to add. Several weeks ago I was invited to a bachelorette party/lingerie shower for a co-worker who is a supervisor (although not my supervisor). At one time I worked in a department next to hers and we talked frequently, still exchanged books (our reading tastes are similar) and the like.

After receiving the invitation from another co-worker who was putting on the bachelorette party, I waited to receive my invitation for the wedding reception. They were planning on having a small, private wedding and a bigger reception so that they could have space for more friends. Email updates followed with changes for the bachelorette party and I even offered to help with some of the cost as the hostess' husband's job was in peril. Well, guess what? I wasn't invited to the reception! Everyone else on the email updates got an invitation but me! I asked the person who was hosting the bachelorette party why I was invited because it is against etiquette rules to invite people to a pre-wedding occasion when you have no intention of inviting them to the wedding. She apologizes profusely saying she had no idea that I wasn't invited and just "assumed" I had been.

This was three days ago and needless to say I told her I would NOT be attending the bachelorette party! How insulting!

Word to the brides: if you're having a shower or a bachelorette party, make sure you only invite those who are "good enough" to make the final cut for the wedding!

A few years ago, a dear friend of mine, Sheila, was getting married. We met as children through our moms who were good friends as well. I was to be a bridesmaid in the wedding. My mom and I offered to host a bridal shower. My mom is one of the most gracious hostesses ever and threw a beautiful dinner party in her home complete with crystal, china, silver, table linens, favors for the guests, hand-decorated invitations, etc. etc. I helped in all the organization, setup, and cleanup (I was 22), but my mom financed the entire thing. The guest list consisted of the bridal party and many of the MOB's friends. The parents of the bride were lovely, conservative, religious people so the shower attendees were family members and "church ladies." The night of the shower everyone arrives dressed nicely and bringing a beautifully wrapped gift from Sheila's registry. Everyone that is, except one of the bridesmaids, Sheila's college friend, Gloria. She arrives to a dinner party in sweats--not Juicy couture velvet sweats, mind you (in case you wondering)--standard issue grey athletic sweats complete with matching hooded sweatshirt and dirty tennis shoes. She came bearing an unwrapped gift (leaving me to believe she picked it up on the way) of a bottle of cheap champagne and a plastic container of bubble bath (you know, just to remind Sheila's embarrassed mom and all her church friends exactly what Sheila would be doing on the wedding night). After the shower was over, Gloria approached me and told me she was organizing a bachelorette party in a few weeks complete with a stripper (something I know Sheila would hate). Cue for me to say sadly: "Oh, I'm so sorry, I already have plans that evening." Fast forward to the actual wedding day, Gloria approached me again while I'm dressing for the wedding and says that I owe her $37.50 for the chips/drinks/stripper from the bachelorette party I didn't attend and therefore didn't partake of said chips/drinks/stripper. I paid it to her because a) I was young and dumb and b) didn't want to make any waves for Sheila. Fortunately for her, this "friend" is no longer part of her life.
Showers 0926/03

I was 18 years old, fresh out on my own, and getting married. About 3 weeks AFTER my wedding, a woman at work decided to throw me a Bridal/Wedding Shower. I thought, well ok, at least she is trying. The party was supposed to be a Crystal Party and I was to pick out what I wanted from a catalogue. Well, she gives me the catalogue less than a week before the shower. Not enough time to look, submit, and get copies to everyone. (Keep in mind my MIL and I think it's strange that she would throw a crystal party when we didn't even have towels yet.) Oh well, at least I was getting a party. I gave her the list of everyone I would like to attend (she had asked me to get this list together) and she mailed the invitations. Two days before the Saturday party!!!

The day of the party, my MIL, the "friend" throwing the party, her friend who actually sold the crystal, and I showed up. No food, or cake, or even prepared drinks. Oh, and her husband and 4 of his friends who watched football and got slapping drunk. No one else came! Why didn't they come? Because most of the people didn’t get the invitation until the Monday AFTER the party. However they did send presents from the catalogue. Don't think this is bad yet? Well, the lady "Pat" called me to tell me my share of the cost was $58.00! I said, what cost? And that was when she informed me that I was responsible for the shipping costs. WHOA! Now for the MAJOR kicker...I found out later that for every dollar that was spent on me by everyone, she (the host) collected .50 towards a purchase. So basically she threw me the party so she could get what she wanted. I ended up with some new tableware and dinnerware.... she ended up with $200 credit, and did I mention that her gift to me was a $10.00 tablecloth from Wal Mart? No kidding, she even gave the receipt in case I didn't like it. Just want to say thanks to those of you who tried.

I have a great-aunt who is quite well off. She has given money hand over fist to her greedy children - not just pocket change here and there, but gives them their sizeable INHERITANCES before she's even dead, which a couple of them have had the gall to actually ask for. (That's another story in and of itself.) Anyway, she buys and sells houses frequently, owns two homes at a time, drives a new expensive car, etc. So when my bridal shower rolled around, I hoped that she might give us money with which to add to our house fund or, if she didn't want to spend a lot of money, a little something that we had REGISTERED for. But no. I open her gift to find an ugly serving dish that I hadn't asked for nor did I need. Not only that, but it appeared to be maybe 15-20 years old and therefore a regift. And not only THAT, but upon closer inspection, it had some crud caked on the bottom which I proceeded to scrape off with my nail. Great, thanks, auntie. I put it in with the glass recycling. Showers 0930/03

My sister announced that she was getting married, and she wanted me to be the maid of honor in her wedding. She also asked another sister, (I'll call her "Sarah") to be her matron of honor. Well, my sister started planning her wedding, picking flowers, dresses, arranging for caterers, planning the reception, etc. Since I was the maid of honor, naturally I volunteered to help in any way I could. She told me, "Oh, no thanks. Me and my fiancé are going to plan everything." So I said, "Fine", and I decided to plan a surprise bridal shower for her instead. Several weeks later, the entire bridal party went out to dinner at a local restaurant. After dinner, my sister excused herself, and told all of us that she was going to the ladies room so that we could have a chance to exchange phone numbers and plan her bridal shower! When we did not exchange phone numbers while she was sitting there at the table, she decided to throw her OWN bridal shower instead. When she later found out that I had, indeed, already planned a SURPRISE bridal shower for her, she said, "Why didn't you tell me?"

The day before the wedding, the entire bridal party showed up two hours late for the rehearsal at the church, even though the minister had another appointment. The minister was also furious because my sister had not brought the marriage license for him to sign, and the wedding was scheduled to take place the next day. Being the sister of the bride and also the maid of honor, I had to explain to the minister why my sister, along with the rest of the bridal party, was late for the rehearsal. When they finally arrived, my sister gave the minister an envelope containing the marriage license, and he agreed to have it signed in time for the wedding the next day. He was so mad by this time that he wanted to perform the ceremony and get it over with as quickly as possible.

The day of the wedding, the minister arrived with the marriage license tucked under his arm. He performed the ceremony, pronounced my sister and her husband "man and wife", handed my sister the marriage license, and then looked at my BIL and said, "She's all yours."

All of the bridesmaids stood there whispering to the minister, "No! You are supposed to say 'Kiss the bride’!" Finally, the minister says, "You may now kiss the bride." At the end of the wedding, we are all standing in the receiving line outside the church. I am standing next to my sister on the left, and Sarah, the matron of honor, is standing next to her on the right. As each guest shakes her hand, my sister introduces Sarah as her sister ("This is my sister, Sarah"), totally ignoring me. I have to stand there and explain to each of the guests individually that I am ALSO the bride's sister. Later that afternoon, each member of the bridal party forms a line outside the hall where the wedding reception is scheduled to take place. The announcer introduces Sarah, wearing a light pink dress, as the matron of honor, and she walks in first, followed by each of the bridesmaids, all wearing dark pink dresses. I am placed at the very end of the line, behind all of the bridesmaids. The announcer introduces me as a bridesmaid, even though I am the maid of honor. As I walk across the floor to the podium, I can hear guests saying, "She's a bridesmaid?" and trying to figure out why I was wearing a light pink dress, like the matron of honor was wearing, instead of a dark pink dress like the rest of the bridesmaids. So I was seated at the other end of the table, while Sarah, the matron of honor, was seated next to the bride, my sister, at the other end of the table.

I ended up leaving the reception early. That was 9 years ago, and I haven't spoken to my sister since.

When my stepdaughter's Maid of Honor sent out the shower invitations, she also included most of the "invitees" to the bachelorette party to be held the same day/night. When I opened and read my invitation to the shower (given by the MOH?) there was a piece of white paper with these typed words:

We are planning on a pot luck meal for So-and-so's shower so we are asking that the mothers and the bridesmaids all bring a dish to pass. Please call Blah-Blah at 111-1111 and tell her what you plan to bring. Here's a list of what we want: (Insert list of dishes, salads and desserts here).

First of all...who is the "We" she speaks of? The other bridesmaids were not included in the planning. If "We" are giving this shower, why are the guests expected to do the cooking? The entire mother's lived 200 miles away, as did one of the bridesmaids. No aunts or cousins were invited to this shindig, turns out it was only the mothers and the bridesmaids who were invited anyway...the very same guests who were told to bring a dish.

This isn't all...in the lower left hand corner of this invitation, written in red ink was: "Guests are asked to donate $10.00 each for the limo ride for the bachelorette party." Okay, so the MOH couldn't afford the shower and now she wants the guests to pay for the limo, too.... which the MOH got through a friend for next to nothing (I found this out the night of the party).

Another tactless incident...before the shower, the MOH called me and told me what the bride-to-be wanted from me for a gift. Since I could not get it where I lived, the MOH offered to pick it up and I would pay her when I got to the shower. I agreed. When I got the 200 miles to the shower, there was the gift *I* purchased, which wasn't what the MOH had told me she would pick up at all. It was something completely different that the bride-to-be went out and bought that day then handed me the slip to pay HER back. Then she handed me some wrapping paper and told me I could go ahead and wrap it. I didn't.

My maid of honor tried to help with a guest list etc, however my mother brought it upon herself to do everything.

First off she felt that I would have 3 showers, talk about tacky! One from my family, one from friends, and one from in-laws side of family. Mind you, from my in-laws family there would have been maybe 10 people at the very most. My In laws family live all over and not too close by.

My maid of honor tried to tell my mother that friends/bridesmaids should be invited. Yes BRIDESMAIDS should be included.. they should plan it!!! My mother’s response, was, "Well if you guys want to have one.. then go ahead, but not coming to this shower. (I had no idea any of this was going on) Not only was my shower planned poorly, but also it was held 2weeks prior to my wedding. !

I even told my bridesmaids, since most of them were struggling on their own that I didn’t want gifts from them, just be at my shower, bring a card, and relax and have fun with me.

Day of shower, (like I didn’t know), I acted surprised. Well surprised I was, to my amazement, my mother didn’t invite any, none of my bridesmaids, only my maid of honor. None of my friends, the only in laws that were included were my future mother and father in law. Although my mother was sure to invite HER FRIENDS. Friends that have known me for a long time, but they are HER FRIENDS. Mind you also, I only had 3 bridesmaids. So if they were included, how big of a difference would that have made? It wasn’t at some fancy shmancy restaurant, not that I would have wanted that at all, but a house party.

My girlfriends who were not invited, and my bridesmaids were pissed, decided to throw a last minute get together the week prior to my wedding, which of course hubby and I actually wanted to spend time together that night before our wedding a week later and have a special "last date" as an unmarried couple. However, I figured something was up, and went along w/the little plan. My friends, hubby to be all met at a restaurant and took me out to dinner. It was really nice, but hubby ended up picking up the check because he felt bad that they all felt "forced" to do something for me because they were my friends.

A while ago all the ladies in our office were invited to the boss's daughters bridal shower. Most of us knew her quite well, as she often worked part time at the office to help out her dad.

Attached to our invitations was a list of what she wanted. She wasn't registered anywhere, but she had no trouble pointing out exactly what make of appliance she wanted and which designer store she wanted it from.

Anyway, the bridal shower day came round and we all met in the boardroom with all our gifts. While she was sitting opening gifts, I noticed that she had 2 boxes behind her chair - some gifts she was putting into one box and others into the other. We all had a great time drinking champagne and eating cake and when the party was over I offered to help her carry her gifts to the car. One box she put into the trunk and the other onto the back seat. It was then that I noticed that the box on the back seat had "return" written on it.

A few days later a memo was sent around to all the ladies who attended the shower stating: "Would all those who attended Lydia's bridal shower please give their sales receipts for their gifts to Sharon at reception. Lydia needs to know where it was bought and needs the sales receipt so she can exchange the gifts she doesn't like.