BRIDESMAIDS AND BEASTMEN

The "tortured" and the "torturees"

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Dear Jeanne,

I was recently directed to your site by a friend who heard my horror story of my best friend's wedding shower, and she informed me that this story would be a good submission for your site.

My best friend, 'Sarah', since 7th grade got engaged at the beginning of this spring, and right away, I knew I was to be the Maid of Honor. (Whenever we discussed any sort of wedding plans, we always promised to be each other's Maid or Matron of Honor.) My relationship with Sarah is a wonderful one, I love her and she loves me, and we're as close as close can be.

Her wish to have me with her on her special day was never questioned, nor was my wish to be there ever questioned. Even when she decided to move to another state, and have a civil ceremony in August so that she could go ahead and be included in her fiancé's health and school benefits (He's in the army), we immediately started brainstorming for ways for us to save money together to cover the cost of dresses/plane tickets/hotel rooms, etc.

However, due to the cost of a vacation I had planned the year before for this summer (I was taking my grandma to S.C. to celebrate her 25th year of Sobriety), I had to sadly inform her that I would probably not be able to throw her a Bridal shower. However, she informed me that she did not even want one, and that if I wanted to throw her one, I could wait till next year, when she would have her family wedding, back in our home state. (Only a few people would be attending the civil union, and I was the only person other than mother/father to stand with her, and I was to witness.)

We were both happy with this arrangement, but while I was away in Florida, Sarah found out that one of her relatives was planning on throwing her a surprise shower. Upon finding out about this, she contacted her relative and found out that not only was she throwing her a shower, but was also having a 'prayer meeting' before the shower. (Most of her family is highly religious.) Finding out that the date had not been set yet, Sarah requested that they set the date for a day I would be able to attend (I was on vacation at the time, and at the moment, knew nothing about the shower. I didn't find out till later.)

She also requested that I be excluded from the 'prayer meeting' before the shower, as I am an Atheist, and she knew that after the one time I attended her church, upon her family finding out that I did not believe in God, spent the entire time trying to convert me by informing me rather curtly that I was a whore and would go to Hell for my sins, etc. etc. Sarah knew I would be made to feel very uncomfortable at the prayer meeting and sought to make sure my feelings would be considered in this manner. I am highly grateful for her to this.

However, her relative apparently took exception to my non-religious nature and sought to exclude me from the Shower altogether. Sarah went to her fiancé's state for a week before the shower, making preparations, getting her marriage license together, getting blood tests, setting up their apartment together, etc. I returned at this time, and had received NO invitation in the mail and had no idea at all that a shower was planned. Sarah had requested the day off for me from my boss already, but I was not aware that was why I was not scheduled that day (I work in a restaurant, and it's not unusual for me to have days off on different days of the week. My boss didn't think to mention it to me either.) So, Sarah comes home the night before the shower, and as I was working late that night, did not call me. Instead, she talked to her relative and her relative told her I had RSVP'd and would be there. She was satisfied with this.

Next day, she goes to the prayer meeting, and of course, saw nothing unusual in my not being there. However, when it's time for the shower, she notices that I am not there. After waiting for me half an hour, she asks her relative if I was coming or not, and her relative gets all teary-eyed and tells her, (this is what Sarah told me was said later, nearly verbatim.)

"Oh, I didn't want to tell you. I was hoping you wouldn't notice. I don't want to ruin your special day for you," The crocodile-teared relative tells her, "But C. called me this morning, before the prayer meeting and told me that she didn't want to come to your 'stupid bridal shower,' and that she didn't think it was right you were marrying ____ and that he's a jerk and you shouldn't be with him. She doesn't want anything to do with this, and she said the most awful things about you..." etc.

THANKFULLY, Sarah saw right through this in an instant. We talk about everything. We've never fought about anything, or at least, not for very long. She also knew my feelings about her fiancé, while luke-warm, were still all warmness for her and her happiness. We had already discussed my misgivings through and I had already moved past them.

She immediately finds a phone, calls me, and asks me why I'm not there. My response, of course is "Why I'm not where? I'm supposed to be somewhere?"

Sarah left her own Bridal shower to pick me up, bring me over, and spent the rest of the shower ignoring her meddling relative. The MOB was also incredibly upset, as she likes me and thinks I'm a good influence on Sarah. Sarah and I didn't found out till later that the MOB had taken the offending relative out back and BAWLED her out for doing such a dirty, nasty thing.

The relative had also bought her an super-expensive China Set (Sarah was not registered by the way, and had requested no present from anyone), and while I had been in Florida, I had purchased her a set of Oriental plates that while they were not expensive, were exactly to her taste, as she had exclaimed over a set of them before while on a trip to Chinatown in NYC, but had been unable to afford them at the time. I didn't have time to wrap them, for obvious reasons, and I had been planning on giving them to her for her wedding, not a shower. I only had time to shove them in a paper bag, so that she wouldn't see them on the ride over. Her relative made several snide comments about my the shabbiness of my gift, about how I was to cheap to buy 'REAL' plates (She had peeked in the bag after I put it with the other presents and RUINED the surprise for my friend.)

However, she went nuts over my plates, and when I went to her civil ceremony, guess which plates are in the storage unit they have and which ones they used for the wedding dinner they had? They even found a set of chopsticks to match the design on the plates, and to go with the theme of the plates, we cooked up a huge Chinese dinner, using a Wok she had gotten from her mother.

Needless to say, the relative is not invited to her wedding in a year. Sarah was absolutely mortified by this woman's behavior and even more angry that she tried to ruin our friendship. The relative has yet to apologize to Sarah for her behavior, and Sarah has heard from the rest of her family that the relative is STILL saying I refused to come to the shower and even that I was DRUNK while at the party, (Which is absolutely untrue. I never drink, not even socially), and that Sarah never sent her a thank-you note for the plates she had bought her (Also untrue. I was there, personally, when Sarah wrote the note. I was helping her address the envelopes. The note was very civil and had the required amount of gratefulness in it. Sarah's a very nice girl.) Who knows what other lies this woman is spreading about me and how many of Sarah's family will absolutely HATE me by the time the wedding rolls around next year.)

Oh well. I'm there to stand for my best friend, not her family. I'm just surprised Sarah turned out as beautifully and as sweet as she did. The acorn fell VERY far from the tree.

Thank you for listening to my story. It feels very good to vent about that.

Bridesmaids0928-04

I have never told anyone this story but here it goes:

My older sister and I dreamed of being in each others weddings while we were growing up; however, when we got older we had a harder time getting along. So it had been years since we really acted like sisters and we just weren’t on good terms.  We rarely spoke and it was even rarer if we saw each other.  My older sister really created the riff between us but I was always positive and encouraging if she wanted to get together or something. 

One day, she actually called me to tell me minutes after she got engagement and I was really happy for her.  I actually had been engaged months before and all I got was a feigned “great”.  When I did start planning a wedding, I did formally ask her to be my Maid of Honor.  She was happy and I felt that this would be a good way for us to maybe get back on track and be sisters; however, it didn’t work out that way. 

First, she flipped-flopped between being a Maid of Honor and just being a guest at the wedding.  The excuses ranged from religious convictions to that she wasn’t sure if she could make it.  I hadn’t even confirmed the date when she was announcing this.  I was just saying that I would like to get married at the end of July beginning of August of the following year.  How could she not be sure?

Well after several months and a great amount of stress that I have a flaky Maid of Honor and now I am realizing that no one will be throwing my Bridal Shower.  My mom even agreed that I was being very gracious and polite to my sister considering her behavior.  I was getting a lot of pressure to have a bridal shower.  So, I breached etiquette and had to ask and assist my one and only bridesmaid (a poor broke student).  She generously offered her home (I used her name as the hostess even though I paid for everything.  She was saint to do it and we had so much fun setting up and setting down).  We spent hours preparing for the party and we were excited.  As the guests are arriving, my sister, who did not RSVP shows up.  I was happy because my whole Bridal party is there but my happiness did not last long.

My sister immediately takes me aside into another room and tells me that I am making a horrible mistake.  She doesn’t like my future husband because he wasn’t the same religion as us and she “officially” backs out of being my Maid of Honor.  Great.  I’m crying profusely because my sister has really stressed me out, the wedding is in three weeks, and this is not the thing you tell someone right before they are suppose to be in front of a group of people smiling.  I cleaned up and put on a pleasant face for the shower.

Come time for the wedding and I promoted my one and only bridesmaid as my Maid of Honor.  My sister protested the wedding, with numerous calls to say that her and her fiancé would not be attending.  The reasons were anything from the ceremony would not be religious (as I am not a religious person and my future husband was an opposite so we just had a J.O.P) and that she could not be apart of it, she didn’t agree with my choice for a husband, and it just goes on and on… 

So the big day arrives and as I am walking down the aisle and guess who I see in the front row?  Yep, you got it: my sister. To make it worse, she had a bridesmaid gown that was very similar to what I wanted her to wear.

Luckily, the ceremony went off without a hitch.  Now the pictures have my sister in it with a Bridesmaid looking dress but that wasn’t a big deal to me at all.  I just didn’t like the fact that she wouldn’t acknowledge me or my husband for the entire picture taking time.

So we move onto the reception.  Months before my wedding my sister had asked if I was going to have some traditional religious food which requires a special prayer and acknowledgement before consuming and I had to keep saying all along, “I wasn’t having a religious ceremony or reception.”  As my husband and I get out of the car for the reception and we are all excited, my sister comes running up with this overly sized food that I immediately recognize as being part of the traditional religious food and asks where she can place it.  So I am thinking “Okay, what I am supposed to do with it?  I am about to walk into my reception of 175 people and she is worried about what to do with some un-planned food?”  I was in shock.  The only thing that mumbled out of my mouth was to go see the wedding planner.

I had a buffet style dinner and the wedding planner graciously found a spot for the food but it looked really odd and a lot of people didn’t know what it was.  My sister was annoyed that no one took some so she went around and placed it on people’s bread plate.  People were confused but were good sports about it. 

Ironically at the reception, I had several people tell me that it was a shame that my sister wasn’t in the wedding party and they gave me lectures how you always have your sister but friends come and go (If they only knew).

To this day, my sister has no clue that she ever did anything wrong.  When it came time for her wedding, I honored my role as the Maid of Honor and never once gave her an ounce of trouble, even though some family members told me that I should give her a bad time to make up for it.

Bridesmaids0803-04

This is 'Bridesmaid From Hell' story, and, I'm ashamed to admit, the bridesmaid was me. The only real defense for my behavior is that I was 15 years old at the time, which was a bad age for me. I was tall and gawky and beanpole skinny, and going through an 'ugly duckling' faze with bad skin and sheep dog fringe to try and cover it. I was painfully self conscious, very shy and a real tom-boy; not really great bridesmaid material. 

It was my cousin's wedding, and I'm sure I was only asked to be polite or make up numbers, as my cousin is 10 years older than me and we only see each other once a year at most. The other bridesmaids were three friends her age, and an adorable 7 year old, so I didn't really fit in. The dresses looked great on everyone but me (as I had no figure at all), and there had been some confusion when shoes were being ordered, so everyone ended up with wrong sizes. At the hair dressers, my hair was swept into a huge hideous bouffant, solid with hairspray, which made another 2 inches or so taller than the rest of the wedding party, including Groom and Best Man! As the other bridesmaids applied their make-up, I stood around feeling clueless (I'd never worn make-up before in my life!) Finally someone noticed this and shoved me into the bathroom with a frosted peach lipstick, and told me to get on with it. 

By the time we got to the church I was incredibly conscious of being very ugly. I shuffled down the aisle, hoping no one would notice me, and during the photos I couldn't bring myself to smile as I wished I could sink into the ground. Things didn't get any better at the reception, as I had to sit at the top table, where no one spoke to me. I could see my parents and brothers on another table, having great time, as I sat there on the verge of tears, with my too small shoes killing my feet. Finally, my family took pity on me and I was allowed to go and change. I ran and changed into my jeans and T-shirt, and tried to brush the hairspray from my hair, and made it through to the end of the day. 

When the photos arrived a few weeks later, I looked awkward and miserable in every one. I'm embarrassed about my behavior; I cringe when anyone mentions that day, and my family have teased me ever since; that day nearly put me off weddings for life! Fortunately, I had a positive bridesmaid experience recently when my brother married recently; I've improved both socially and aesthetically since back then, and I had a great time at the ceremony and the reception. Unfortunately, my cousin and her family were there, and took every opportunity to make laughingly remind me what a sulky brat I'd been at her wedding. Afterwards, my boy friend said how sad he thought it was that they had nothing better to say to me than to bring up something that happened over 10 years ago, but I guess I might never live it down...

Bridesmaids1112-04

When my brother-in-law got married, his bride was going to have her sister as MOH, plus 2 other attendants. The MOH was strapped for cash and asked the bride if she could arrange her wedding colors around a bridesmaid dress the MOH already owned, so she could wear it in the wedding. The bride agreed, and started looking for dresses or dress material that would match the MOH dress. She never could find anything that matched well enough, so decided just to have the MOH, and no other attendants, which meant that the groom could only have the best man (his brother, my husband).   

Fast forward several months to the morning of the wedding. The MOH tells the bride (her sister) that she needs to go shopping for a dress.  A dress for what? For the wedding! Her dress, the dress that the color scheme and number of wedding attendants had been arranged around... her dress didn't fit! It had been 3 years, 2 pregnancies, and more than a few pounds of weight since she had last worn the dress, but she didn't even bother to try it on until a few weeks before the wedding. Even then, she waited until the MORNING OF the wedding to tell the bride her dress didn't fit!  The bride refused to go shopping with her (the wedding was at 2:00pm). The bride told me the problem (I was the wedding coordinator) when we all got to the church.   The MOH couldn't find an appropriate dress to wear as the MOH. The day was saved by the groom's mother, who suggested that HIS sister would probably be able to fit the dress. By that time she was already on her way to the church for the ceremony. As soon as she got out of the car I started talking to her about being the MOH. The dress fit, the shoes almost fit (too big, but worked well enough for the ceremony), and the rest of the wedding went off without a hitch.   After the wedding, the bride's sister had the gall to tell the bride that she thought *I* had been too bossy about everything and she couldn't understand why I was upset at her about the dress!  Fortunately, the bride's reply was "That was her JOB, and she did exactly what I wanted her to do."   

Bridesmaids0807-04

Even if the MOH/sister screwed up, it is still bizarre to give precedence to a dress and not the relationship.  MOH should have just worn her best dress.

When I got engaged in March 2004 there was no question in my mind who was going to be my maid of honor.  My best friend A.E.M was great friend.  She had helped me get a job and relocate to another city 1 year earlier.  I baby sat her son all the time.  We were very close.  I was so excited to ask her.  I felt very lucky because she is very creative, energetic, extremely funny and has a great dynamic personality.  She plans the most fabulous events and has lots of super ideas.  I knew that she would help me make this an event to remember forever.  Well, somewhere along the way I must have picked up a Maid of Honor from an alternate universe.

In the beginning she seemed excited.  We would email back and forth while at work ideas for cakes, hair, dresses,  places.  She blew me off twice to go look for a wedding dress.  She has a young child and a career, so I knew she was busy and didn't think much about it. Anyway I stumbled across the perfect dress.   There was a bridal show in town and I thought it sounded like a good idea.  I asked her if she wanted to go.  She said sure, "but you had better be sure that this is the one you want to go to, because I don't want to go to everyone that comes to town.  I decided not to go at all.  I didn't want to put her out.

There were various nasty little emails that I ignored.  The first real blow came when she asked me if she was supposed to throw me a bachelorette party.  I wasn't sure, so I went and found a "list of duties."  I sent it to her and told her "here are some suggestions for MOH."  Those lists are pretty long and even silly on some things, so I told her I didn't expect her to do all of them.  She lost her mind!  She emailed me this:

I didn't know I was in for all of that!! ARGH.  Well I can only do what I can do and I'll do the best I can. I know myself, though, and I don't see me with some clipboard, checklist, and whistle trying to do all of this stuff. I will commit to planning the bachelorette party and being helpful in Connecticut, plus other residual things like the favors and stuff, but I had NO idea there was all of that other stuff to do. My GOD. I hope you don't think I'm lame but some of that seems a bit much.

Well, I sucked it up and thought maybe I had done something wrong and was expecting too much.  Later she told me how disappointed she was with her own wedding and how sad she had been because she had to get ready by herself and didn't have any shower or bachelorette party.  Apparently her own wedding wasn't exactly what she wanted either.  Another later email went on a long vent about how lame weddings were and how she hated hated HATED the wedding industry.

She drove me so insane when planning the bachelorette party, that I canceled it. She was so frustrating that I went home crying several days. At the wedding shower that my boss threw for me, she did NOTHING.  I told her early that I had made a list of all those who attended so she could jot down their gift by their name.  She asked who was going to be the secretary of the list and said "you of course."  She said "no, really."  I told her yes, that is your job!  Guess what....at the shower she came over waving some scrap paper and a pen at my coworkers sitting next to me and said "can somebody do this, I am socializing."  She then proceeded to go back to her little group and continued chatting and drinking wine.  Other co-workers helped hand me gifts, pass them around, make my "bow hat" and cleaned up the paper.  I asked her "Why didn't you do the list?"  She said she was socializing and that she hadn't seen these people in two years.  When I informed her "this is not a party about you seeing old co-workers" she just laughed.  At the end of the night, she even gloated and teased me "I did a good job on that list, didn't I??"  She laughed and winked at me.

Bridesmaids1006-04

As a teen a friend I'll call Taffy and I promised to ask each other to be maid of honor at our respective weddings.  When I became engaged we had grown apart somewhat but were still friends so I made good on my promise. Taffy suffered from a severe case of envy because I was getting married first, but she kept it to herself--until the night before the wedding.  Hubby-to-be and I had agreed to spend our last night of singlehood apart, staying with our respective honor attendants.  Taffy kept me up until 3 am whining about how she wished she was the one getting married. We were supposed to be reminiscing about the good times we'd had in the ten years of our friendship!  The next morning we traveled together to the church to get dressed for he ceremony.  Taffy had always wanted to wear a flower wreath in her hair, but the groom nixed that idea.  When the florist showed up to custom-design fresh floral pieces in our hair, Taffy tried to get her to create a wreath in her hair on the spot.  I caught on and reminded her that the groom didn't want it.  "But I want it," she whined.  The florist did respect the groom's wishes but Taffy kept asking for more and more flowers and she ended up with more flowers in her hair than I had.

Bridesmaids0715-04

Hi Jeanne,

I LOVE the website. It has provided many hours of amusement and entertainment, both at work and when I'm supposed to be studying! I am the matron of honor for one of my best friends, who's getting married in a few short days, and it would make me feel ever so much better if you could assist me in damning one of the other bridesmaids to EHell. Since the woeful tales of her appalling (mis)behavior over the past months could fill a book, I will limit myself to her actions at the bachelorette celebration.

Just for some background, this was not the stereotypical stripper-and-booze affair, both due to the religious beliefs that the bride and I share, and also the fact that 80% of the original invitees are either under the legal drinking age, pregnant, or both. So the plan was for a few of us to go out for a nice dinner and afterwards the bride wanted us to bring our swimsuits and go back to her apartment and relax in the pool and Jacuzzi. Unfortunately, due to family emergencies and unsympathetic employers, by that night the only ones who could make it were the bride ("J") and I, and of course this other bridesmaid ("K"). No problem, we can still have a nice time, or so I thought. The night of the party arrives....

J and I rode together, and we arrived at the restaurant just a few minutes ahead of K. When K arrived, and even before sitting down, she immediately started condemning the others for not being there, before she even knew about their situations. Keep in mind that this is the same bridesmaid who didn't bother to ask her employer for time off to attend THE REHEARSAL! She went on to express dripping, fake pity for J because "she looks like such a little lost puppy dog" because her other friends weren't able to come (J wasn't upset in the slightest, being understanding of their situations, and CERTAINLY didn't look like a "puppy dog"). J squirms. I try to smile.

 Immediately AFTER sitting down, J opens her menu and announces how much more expensive this restaurant has become since the last time she's been here (since she is of course the expert on all the high-end stores, restaurants, and especially cruise ships; her parents have a lot of money; the bride and I don't). But we aren't to worry, because she "can still afford it and everything." J squirms. I cringe.

Over dinner, J confides in us about her latest test results, as she has been fighting cervical cancer and there is a small concern that it has come back. She is especially concerned about it since, after months of worrying about whether she will be able to ever have children again, she has just found out she's expecting! So, to reassure her, K regales us with the stories of everyone she's ever known who's had cancer, including the grisly details of their treatments and their eventual fates. J squirms. I groan inwardly.

When J mentions she's been a little stressed lately (ya think??), K shares all the fascinating details of her fabricated "panic attacks" so we can cover her in sympathy, because her life is just so stressful what with the new job and all. Now I understand a new job can be a big change, but K is working a little part-time job while living with her rich parents and going on frequent cruises as her main hobby. J is dealing with a new house, a wedding in 6 days and soon-to-be new husband, a new school, a new baby on the way with possible complications to the pregnancy, her cancer, and lingering post-traumatic stress syndrome from being brutally raped about 8 months ago. Poor, poor baby, K, let's all cry a river for you!

In between shoveling her food into her mouth with the fork firmly clenched in her fist, K decides to explain to me how the bride and groom met from HER point of view, including the "fact" that SHE (K) saw him first and thought he was cute, but decided that since J had "been so down lately" that she would be ever-so-charitable and LET J go talk to him, and then INSIST that she do so, which OF COURSE wouldn't have otherwise happened, so isn't it wonderful? SHE is the ENTIRE reason the happy couple is together! (Which, incidentally, doesn’t stop her from flirting with the groom.) J's face turns a funny color. My jaw hits the table.

K reminisces with such charming memories as "This time last year, we were talking about Jeremy!" (Jeremy is J's abusive ex, who, after putting her through hell because she thought she loved him, dumped her via text-messaging after they got engaged.) J winces. I consider kicking K under the table, but decide she won't get it.

Out of nowhere, K says, "I wonder if Derek will show up at the wedding?" (Derek is J's abusive ex, against whom she has a restraining order, and who occasionally miraculously manages to materialize outside MY house when J is over, just to terrorize us.) J blanches. I fantasize about strangling K, firmly state that Derek won't be an issue while simultaneously trying to smile at J and glare at K, and change the subject yet again.

At the end of the meal, K discreetly (a wonder for her!) offers to split the cost of J's meal with me, which I hadn't been expecting since I'd planned to cover all of J's dinner and whatever else we did myself, so I'm happy to graciously accept. K snatches the bill from my hands, looks at it, pulls from her purse a rumpled withdrawal envelope filled with small bills, which she immediately spreads across the table and sorts, muttering things like, "Okay, J's dinner was $XX.XX [yes, she actually articulated the cents]," and "You guys will have to help me with the math," and eventually pulls out her cell phone so she can use the calculator on it to figure her share down to the pennies. All the while I am trying to suggest that we handle it later, because J is looking rather flustered (I am too!). I suggested that we put the bill on my card ("To make it easy for the waitress") and HANDLE IT LATER, but she doesn't get it, exclaiming the whole time that she wants to make sure she's "not ripping me off" and that I know she'll "pay her share," etc. etc. Finally J pulls out some money and tries to hand it across to stop K's scene, which I of course don't accept, but K keeps right on. I keep insisting it's not a big deal and we'll HANDLE IT LATER, to which she replies that "this is all she has right here," but she has two more dollar bills in her car and she wants to make SURE I know she'll pay me what she "owes" the instant we get to the parking lot. At this point J and I are BOTH ready to crawl under the table.

We FINALLY make it out of the restaurant. J feels that due to her condition the Jacuzzi will be too uncomfortable for her, so we hem and haw for a few minutes and J finally suggests we go bowling. (There isn't much to do in our town.) I immediately agree; I'm a rotten bowler (final score was a whopping 38), but the point is to have fun with friends and do whatever the bride wants, right? K insists that she doesn't WANT to go bowling, as she isn't any good at it, but, since J wants to, she "guesses" she could grant us the great honor of her company. Yay.

At the bowling alley, K gets her shoes, I get J's and mine, and we play a game, which of course K wins since she's taken lessons through her country club. I thought we had a good time, and the goofy pictures of us in our dinner dresses and bowling shoes will be hilarious! We go to pay for the game ($4 apiece), and I'm planning to again pay for myself and J. K hands me a five, making a HUGE apologetic deal that that's all she has. I tell her it's fine, REALLY, and thank her since I wasn't planning on splitting anything in the first place. But she goes on and on, assuring me that she's not usually this cheap, and telling me I could "rest assured" that if she been employed these past months (she just started the new job after awhile off), she would have given me more. I tell her it's FINE, REALLY, and try to change the subject, but she goes on to tell us how tight times are lately, and bemoan her lack of money, including telling us the exact balance of her bank account! This is such an inappropriate topic to begin which, but taking into account J's financial situation at the moment (you can only imagine), and mine (unemployed husband, working two jobs to pay the mortgage while pulling 16 credit hours at school), makes it even more galling. Especially since just a few months ago, K didn't have any problem letting the groom's mother buy her bridesmaid dress since she was just so broke, promptly going on yet another cruise, and not paying GM back.

I think I'll stop here, as this is already pretty long. Like I said, I could go on, but I'll probably have another list of what she comes up with during the wedding! Keep up the good work, Jeanne!

 Bridesmaids0809-04

Hello! I just wanted to say that I love your site, and I thought I might share my own little tale of bad Bridesmaid etiquette. Having been a bridesmaid many times, suffering the indignities of horridly dyed satin shoes, and unflattering butt bows, I took a different approach when planning my wedding. My fiancé and I decided to have a small, simple, elegant, low-key ceremony that would include all of our loved ones and friends. A lot of fuss and formality was not something that we wanted. I only had two bridesmaids, my best friend "Ashleigh" and my sister "Jenna". Because it was not a really formal wedding, we did not shop for dresses at a traditional bridal or formal wear shop. I wasn't planning on wearing some white frou-frou concoction, so I didn't expect either of them to pay $300 for some hideous taffeta nightmare. I wanted them to be comfortable and feel good. We decided to check out some of the department stores, to see if they had anything that would work. The only stipulation I had was that they had to find something they both liked, and that would work in both of their budgets. I didn't have a color picked or a theme. I told them that whatever dresses they finally decided on...that would be my color. They both have good taste, so I knew they would pick something I would love. Ashleigh and Jenna both were drawn to a simple, long, sheath dress in a deep burgundy color with a little bit of shimmer in the fabric, and some silver embroidery, for only $75. I thought the dresses were very pretty, and thought they made an excellent choice.

Let's fast forward to two weeks before the wedding. I had a little bit of trouble finding decor that worked with the shade of burgundy. Being in the interior design business, I was able to be a little creative, and it wasn't a serious problem. No swans for me! I'd worked for a florist in the past, so I was also making all of my own bouquets and flower arrangements, with that color in mind. I wanted to do it, and I was glad to put some of my skills to use. Ashleigh called me and told me that she and Jenna had decided that the dresses that they had picked out made them both feel "like fat cows". They both looked beautiful, but I was sympathetic. I know what it's like to have a fat day. Jenna called me later the same day to ask me if they could exchange the dresses for something different. "They're too expensive, and we both look fat." They'd picked out the dresses, not me. I told them that it would be all right with me if they wanted to shop around, the only problem was that I had

by this point spent a bit of money for flowers and decor. Whatever else they chose, again it was up to them, would have to compliment. Green, a red tone, pink, or silver would have probably worked. I was a little mad that they had waited until two weeks before the wedding, but I didn't want to cause them a financial hardship, so I agreed. Since I was very busy with work, and finals, I was not able to go shopping with them. I jokingly told Jenna that I would probably be fine with any color but black. I wasn't really into the idea of a Goth wedding.

What color did they pick out? Black. They whined and complained that burgundy was a tough color to find, and that they didn't find anything they liked but this silly looking black cocktail-type dresses for $60. They saved $15 each. I was a bit hurt, and was feeling like a bad person for even remotely suggesting that I had a slight color preference in the first place. But then I remembered that the first dress, style, color, and price had been their decision, not mine. I just took what they gave me, and ran with it. Although I love them both, and still do, they were both mad at me for not being very enthusiastic about the dresses. It wasn't about dresses, it was about being stepped on. I wasn't a bridezilla in the least, but two weeks before the wedding isn't the best time to call for big changes. Although I wasn't really happy about it, I decided that it wasn't a big deal. Black would go with everything else, and if it was tres gothique , then so be it. I had been bullied into accepting the stupid black dresses, and I had more important things to be stressed out about. We found out later that the church we were having the ceremony in was once a funeral parlor. We joke about my Not-Really-Gothy Goth Wedding.

When I was Ashleigh's maid of honor a few years later, I didn't whine and complain to her about the $200 dress I had to wear, that it was unflattering and very uncomfortable for an amply endowed girl like myself, or that the corset back was laced so tight that I almost passed out during the reception. I graciously wore it during ceremony and reception, and did my civic duty as a friend and bridesmaid. I wouldn't dream of doing anything less.

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My best friend's wedding in 1990 went really well actually. The usual sniping about the bridesmaid who didn't try on her dress until 2 days before the wedding, the other bridesmaid who didn't show for the shower or contribute, pretty mundane mishaps. All turned out OK though. I just wonder if I created a faux pas.

At the altar, during the 20 minute or so ceremony, a bee, attracted by the flowers on the altar, began buzzing amongst us 4 bridesmaids. Mr. Bee decided to check out MY bridesmaid bouquet, which was done by the MOG and looked so good a bee checked it out even though it was made of silk flowers.  I did not scream, jump or run. Just for about half a minute, I shooed the bee away with minor hand motions, learning later in a couple of pictures, the look on my face, near panic with upraised eyebrows, wide eyes, and a teeth-baring grimace. The front-row guests told me later they saw the bee and it was like something out of Americas Funniest Home Videos to see me shooing it away. They thought my expression was "cute" and "funny," oh well, I did not do it on purpose.

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Having been an avid fan of your site for all of one week (I only just found it), I thought for sure that nothing as bad as what I had been reading could happen to me at my wedding in one week from now. Oh, how wrong I was.  Here's my story. 

In the beginning of August, my fiancé and I went to the tuxedo store to pick out the tuxes.  No problem there.  The salesman said that all the groomsmen and dads had to be measured by two weeks before the wedding.  Now, I know the personalities of my fiancé's friends and told them to be measured two weeks before that deadline, so that by the actual deadline everyone would be measured.  Fast forward to two weeks before the wedding - the deadline for tux measurements.  I called the store to make an adjustment for one of the groomsmen, who is from out-of-town.  I casually asked if everyone had gotten measured.  Sure enough, there was still one person who had yet to come in.  I'll call him Joe Shmo. 

 I immediately call my fiancé and ask him to call Joe to go get fitted.  Still no problem.  The entire next week consists of my fiancé calling Joe to talk to him.  Joe doesn't answer and doesn't return his phone calls.  One night, while watching football, my fiancé calls Joe.  Again, Joe doesn't pick up.  My fiancé has another groomsmen (with him) call Joe five minutes later.  What a surprise - Joe picks up!  My fiancé talks to him and asks him why he hasn't gone to get measured yet.  Joe says he just hasn't had time, but he'll go tomorrow (Friday, one week before the wedding) morning.  Ok, a little inconvenience, but still ok.  

Friday afternoon, the tux store calls my fiancé..."Are you still having five groomsmen, because the one still hasn't come in."  Yeah, that's correct, one week before the wedding, and still no fitting!!!My fiancé calls his best man and asks him to go to Joe's work (Joe works for the best man's father).  The best man goes and talks to Joe.  He finds out something absolutely shocking and rude.  Joe, who has a Bachelor's degree in biology, but works for an airport shuttle service, doesn't have $80 to rent the tux.  Never mind that he has no expenses; no rent (lives with rich parents), no car payment (mommy and daddy pay that), absolutely nothing!!!  

But the icing on the cake is that Joe was going to leave for vacation with his parents the Thursday before the wedding, and wasn't planning on telling ANYONE that he was not going to be in the wedding.  Joe told the best man that he was going to tell my fiancé after we returned from the honeymoon, because he figured "he'd be in a good mood then."  Of all the nerve!  It's one thing to back out of the wedding, but it's another thing entirely to not tell anyone and just leave us hanging at the rehearsal (which is when we would have found out about it). So, I tell my fiancé to kick him out and we'll find someone else.

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I stood up in my friend Brittany's wedding about a month ago, along with a (former) friend of ours named Doni. Doni is 20, (I am 23 and Brit is 27) and is well on her way to developing a nice drinking problem. Brit asked (reasonably, I think) Doni not to drink at her wedding, since she is underage and can't control herself when she drinks. Instead, when she showed up at the dressing of the bride she had already had a few drinks, and proceeded to get more drunk during the reception. She made a complete ass of herself hitting on the bride's father, two of her older brothers, the groom, and various male guests. Since Brit is a recovering alcoholic, she was understandably pissed and saddened. Needless to say, neither of us have much contact with Doni anymore.

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