TACKY TOASTS

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I love your site, it helps me think what NOT to do at my wedding this fall. At my step-brothers wedding last summer, his father stood up and gave a long, rambling, mostly incoherent speech about how it was a real miracle that he was at this son's wedding, since his wife had miscarried a few months before this son was conceived, and they thought they would never be able to have another child, but truly this boy was a miracle baby. He went into detail about the miscarriage and heartbreak of it for his wife, which is definitely a story that totally HAD to be shared with 250 friends and family. The look of shock and horror on his ex-wife's face was something to behold. Needless to say, he will not be invited to my wedding.   Toast0203-03

My cousin recently attended a wedding where, during the reception, the maid-of-honor stood up to toast the bride and groom and instead recited a copy of a poem the bride had written to the groom entitled, "The Best Blow Job You ever Had". Somehow this little witch had gotten a hold of this poem. My cousin said it was a really filthy ode to a certain portion of the groom's anatomy and everyone was so embarrassed and afterwards, the bride stood up, apologized to her guests and told them in no uncertain terms that that poem was not meant to have been read in public. What confuses me is why the bride would have made it known to her friends that such a poem existed. The only good thing about this story is that the priest was unable to make it to the reception, otherwise he would have heard the whole thing. Egad!!!!!

Toast0113-03

I recently attended the wedding of two very dear friends, one is a long-term ex-boyfriend with whom I am very close and his lovely fiancée is a friend of mind from college. They both have "crazy" mothers who were obviously flustered the day of the ceremony, although they did a great job of putting on the wedding and entertaining the guests at the reception. And then came the toasts. . . there were quite a few; short, sweet, and to the point. Then the Mother of the Groom stood up for hers. She gave the usual congratulations and then said to her son, "You come from a long line of unbroken marriages (i.e.: no divorces), so don't break the trend." Everyone was silent and uncomfortable. As if her statement wasn't inconsiderate enough by itself, the Mother of the Bride was a divorcee herself, in attendance with her second husband. On a recent trip with the groom, I casually brought up how crazy their mothers had been (expecting some kind of apology). He simply said, "yeah, *HER* mother was pretty wacky, huh?!"    toast0205-03

David and I got married last October. It was the second marriage for both of us. David has children with his first wife, and therefore we are all on "friendly" terms with one another. She has remarried as well. David asked his brother, Lance, who I had never met (since we live in Alaska, and he lives in Ohio) to be his best man. We also invited David's ex-wife and her spouse. I know that's not something people normally do, but really, there are no hard feelings anymore, and David's two children were in our wedding party, so it was helpful that his ex-wife, Miranda, could bring them all dressed up and ready to go. David's brother had known Miranda for 10 years before she and David got divorced, and they were very good friends. So, the ceremony is perfect, not a dry eye in the house, and the reception started immediately afterwards. Lance was busy playing with David's children, and visiting with people and sipping quite a bit of champagne when my MOH asked him to say a toast, since he was the best man. Well, he pours some more champagne, holds it up and says "I just want to wish David and MIRANDA years of happiness together." I laughed champagne out my nose, David turned beet red, and I thought Miranda was going to have to have CPR! While David and I and almost all of our guests thought it was hysterically funny, Lance and Miranda are STILL apologizing for it!    Toast0211-03

At a wedding I attended years ago (which was none too classy itself, but that’s another story) the bride’s father stood up to make a toast. "Well B, this isn’t what I would have wanted for you, but I guess it’s too late now." The room was silent as he sat down. We’ve always hoped that he was drunk or that she thought he was drunk, but she seems to have forgiven him (or has blotted out the entire incident). By the way, she’s still married to the same guy and is still deeply in love with him.

I think back on the wedding of a family friend, and the toast that never ended… A beautiful wedding. Not a cloud in the sky. Everything went off without a hitch. The reception was an extremely large, formal affair. The couple couldn't have been happier. The best man stood up to give his toast…and proceeded to drone on about how he and the groom used to "pick up chicks" at the amusement park they had worked at as teenagers - almost fifteen years ago. His (obviously unplanned, unrehearsed) speech went on in this vein for over ten minutes, until the groom patted him on the arm and nervously said "that's enough now, thanks so much." The best man proceeded to turn to the groom and said "You've had your time, it's my turn now" and continue for another five minutes! The guests were appalled. No one ever forgot it either!

Toast0213-03

My brother-in-law finally decided to get married. His wife to be was a very large girl who decided to lose weight. In six months she had lost an amazing amount of weight. At the reception her Father proposed a toast to "Jenny Craig". Nothing else...everyone was mortified!    Toast0313-03

A couple of years ago, I attended my cousins wedding. She was marrying an old friend of mine, we all used to hang out in the same "gang". As the bride and groom was young at the time, and nor her parents (my aunt and uncle) or his parents had any money to give to the couple, they'd only invited the closest family but excluded the friends. The only reason I was there, was that I would drive my old grandmother to, and from, the wedding and the reception. A night before the ceremony, I met up with a couple of old friends -- the "gang" -- to write a speech for the groom. We succeeded, the speech gathered applause and laughs, but now I regret not writing the speech for my cousin instead. The groom’s best man also held a speech, but neither of the bridesmaids (one of them being my cousins closest friend since kindergarten) held a speech to honor the bride, and the father of the bride didn't even toast to his daughters honor (which is comme il faut for weddings in Sweden). I could see that she was really sad about it. Now, planning my own wedding, my biggest fear is that no-one will hold a speech for me. I wouldn't want to be as sad as my cousin at her wedding day. I would actually prefer a really bad, dirty speech than no speech at all.   Toast0328-03

Only years later, after having attended a few other weddings as an adult, did I realize that I was (by default) the Best Man at my mother's third wedding, which happened when I was still in high school. That is, I don't recall being asked to be BM, but I was the only attendant standing next to the groom. More to the point, at the reception, I was asked to give the toast, for which I was quite unprepared. Scrambling to think of anything which might be appropriate, I seized upon Flash Thompson's toast at the wedding of Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson in an issue of Spider-Man, and adapted it for their names: "To 'Jim' and 'Alice', may Lady Luck be kind; and may they never be chafed by the ties that bind." I recall this getting somewhat of a lukewarm reception, but I was just relieved to no longer be on the spot. To this day, I don't think my mother knows that my toast came from a comic book.   Toast0401-03

At good friends' wedding in the fancy hall at historic Greenfield Village, Michigan, another good friend made the Best Man's speech. The gimmick was to have 'Penny', the bride, put her hands out palms up in front of her. 'Skyler', the groom, was then instructed to put his hands, palms down over the top of hers. The Best Man then was supposed to say, "Enjoy this Skyler! It will probably be the last time you have the upper hand." Cute, right! Instead... in nervous confusion the Best Man spoke the following "Enjoy this Skyler! It might be the last time you're on top of her!" The hush over the crowd was broken by the Best Man's wife shouting "Upper Hand, Chris, Upper Hand! You dumb ass!" from her table at the back of the room.

Toast0515-03

At the reception, the best man stood up to read the telegrams that were sent in. Anyhow, the one that everyone is still talking about is when the best man read a telegram from table 9, which happened to be where my fiancé, his mates and the priest was seated. It stated ," May your wedding night be like a barrel of KFC, a little breast ,a bit of thigh and when your finished, nothing but a greasy box". The bride was shocked, the groom speechless, the parents of both parties mortified and everyone at table 9 in hysterics including the priest. I give big thanks to the best man for reading ahead and for table 9.   Toast0521-03

At a wedding, everyone knows full well what the newly wedded couple will be doing on the wedding night and honeymoon but it is the height of impropriety to mention it, joke about it and degrade it publicly.  If you can't resist saying something, at least do it discretely to the bride or groom.