TACKY TOASTS

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I attended the wedding of a female friend of my husband. Apparently the bride and groom never discussed the cake feeding issue. As they went to feed each other the piece of cake, the bride smashed it in the groom's face. He became so enraged that he actually punched her in the face. It was horrifying. What made this even more appalling was that the groom was an ordained minister. Needless to say the marriage didn't last.

Last year I attended the wedding of the daughter of a cousin. It was a lovely first class affair. Unfortunately though the best man got so inebriated during the cocktail hour before the reception that when it came time to make the toast he proceeded to announce that the bride was pregnant and expecting a baby boy. This had been kept totally secret by the bride and groom (well maybe not by the groom!). Not even the parents of the bride knew.

Toasts0104-04

I hesitate to go so far as to call this toast "tacky" but it's certainly the most amusing I've ever heard after attending many weddings. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

The involved parties are as follows:

Bride- Jane Bride's mother - Nancy Groom - Bill Groom's father - Fred

You may notice there is no mention of the Bride's Father, or the Groom's Mother, both of whom had been completely out of the picture since the bride and groom were very young children. However, Jane and Bill were not raised by "single" parents. In fact, although Nancy and Fred never officially married, they had lived together (with Jane and Bill, the bride and groom) since the bride was about 4, and the groom was 7. The bride and groom, although not blood relatives, had been raised together, basically as brother and sister for 14 years, and they both called Nancy Mom and Fred Dad. Which led to this joint toast from the parents:

"We would like to propose a toast to our son and daughter on their wedding day."

Somehow, the oddness of the situation struck me at that moment. I just never really thought I'd see one set of parents toast to their kids marrying each other. (I hear though that they are very happy, and at least they knew they'd be compatible I suppose - they certainly had time to get used to living together before the wedding!).

Toasts0211-04

Several years ago I was asked to sing at a friends wedding in Nebraska. The only family members who lived there were an aunt and uncle, not the bride nor the groom nor any of the future in-laws. It was chosen because it was halfway between the bride's family from N. Dakota and the groom's family from Texas. Everyone was flying in for this event. I flew in three days prior to the wedding to help the MOB get things ready. I had never met the MOB prior to this event and so we introduced ourselves when I got off the plane. She was a sweet lady and we got along famously. The bride and groom would arrive the next day, so it left just the two of us to get the cake, food for the reception, and the reception hall decorated in exactly 2 1/2 days. No problem. That went off without a hitch. 

The etiquette faux pas came during the reception. In the middle of the toast from the MOB to the bride, she proceeded to exalt me and tell everyone how wonderful I was and how she wouldn't have been able to get anything done without me. I was horrified! And I felt terrible for the bride who just smiled uncomfortably. It would have been one thing to tell me or her daughter in private, but to cut her daughters' toast short and toast me in the middle of the reception was just unbelievably tacky. I appreciate the sentiment, but there is a time and a place for everything and that was neither.

Toasts0329-04

I attended my cousin "Bob's" wedding in a beautiful art museum in a Midwestern state. Everything was very elegant and polished...except the maid of honor, a college friend of the bride's. During her toast, she said she knew that "Bob" and her good friend "Jane" had hit it off right away, because a few hours into their first date, "Jane" came knocking on her door half-dressed and asked to borrow a condom!

Toasts0421-04

I have an amusing wedding toast story from a few years ago.  My ex-boyfriend never does or says anything seriously… he was incredibly irresponsible and just plain goofy.  Well, he was the best man in his friend’s wedding and of course as best man it was his duty to give a toast.  The bride and I were friends and she begged me to make sure he completed his duties (knowing how absent-minded he is)… she sent me all sorts of articles from theknot.com, bridal magazines, you name it.  They barely got their tuxes ordered on time, among other things.  

Anyway, a few months before the wedding, I started getting on my ex-bf about writing out his toast – I offered to help and even write it for him.  I’ve written a lot of speeches and it’s something that I enjoy.  He kept saying that he was going to write it.  Well, as you can probably guess, no amount of nagging (or even threats!!) accomplished the task.  He didn’t even THINK about what he was going to say.  At the reception, he was put completely on the spot – the DJ just announced (early, even before dinner) that the Best Man had “something to say.”  I thought that he was going to set a new record for the 50 yard sprint – but he just stood there like a deer in the headlights.  

His speech went as follows, “Gee, wow… I wasn’t really ready for this… (dead air)… uhhh….  Wow, everybody’s looking at me… those lights are in my eyes…..  uh… well, I just want to congratulate B and K, uh, I’m very happy for B…  uh… and OH!  Thanks to K’s parents for the great party and free booze…  That’s all I’ve got, Thanks!”  Everyone just sat in stunned silence for a minute, looking at each other like, “Was that for real??”  The bride was obviously mortified, and I couldn’t help but laugh, because things happened pretty much as I thought they would.  Thanks for reading.

Toasts0505-04

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