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At my wedding 3 years ago, quite a large and expensive affair
considering our ages (late 40's and 50) and that it was a second marriage.
We went all out to make it grand. All attendants were children of
mine and the groom's. The groom's 21 year old daughter was the
"best woman" and thus made the speech at the reception. As I sat
and waited while she stood, expecting to hear a lovely and maybe
somewhat romantic speech on my special day after months and months of planning,
here is the what I got instead. "...all I know is that
Daddy would crumble like a house of cards without a woman to take care of him.
I want to thank Pam for stepping up to the plate." She actually liked
me. This was simply an unfortunate case of zero etiquette and
poor upbringing by a know it all who could care less about manners!
At the wedding of a good friend, the father of the groom stood
up to give a toast to the happy couple. I was completely shocked when he
started off the speech by pointing out the bride had made two mistakes in the
ceremony program, one of which was misspelling the last name of his daughter.
He then proceeded to talk about his daughter's recent wedding and how beautiful
it was. All of this at his son's wedding!
What I about to tell you may sound cliché as we see it in the
movies and laugh about it but I witnessed this with my own eyes. I have been to
quite a few weddings, I enjoy them mostly because people are on their best
behavior unlike office parties. Not in this case, mostly children are our of
hand but in this case it was the best man.
We have all seen movies where the speech is off color and
tasteless. Well, if you have sensitive eyes skip to the next story. The best man
goes on about when he and the groom were younger they would go hunting. That all
sounds good as that is what young men do, but he goes on to say hunting the two
legged kind. He goes on to reminisce about a time or two when the groom actually
used his bed for an adventure or two.
Most jaws are on the floor by now and we thought the worst was
over but then the best man proceeds to describe the groom's taste in women and
mentions color so when the groom called to let his friend know he was engaged
the best man asks, "What color is she?" He said it on the microphone
so all could hear. Not only had the guests heard but so had his children from
his previous relationship who were of ethnic backgrounds.
To top the evening off was of course the removal of the
garter. In a pornographic display and inevitably 1 minute we can't take back we
were witness to the most tasteless removal of a garter in front of children no
less. The remainder of the evening went without much more excitement. I don't
think the Christian guest could stand much more as they left after the speech
and prior to the garter.
I was at the wedding reception for my then-boyfriend's brother and SIL.
Her mother is crass and rude, and did many things to personally
insult me during the wedding week. (my boyfriend's parents related to me and
liked me better that his brother's wife) But her wedding toast took the cake
She went on for about 10 minutes as to how great her daughter M
was and how great her future SIL was. Then she offered this gem, "All
three years they were dating, I used to call my daughter every single night
and say, 'Take the pill, take the pill, don't forget to take it!' Now
tonight I say 'Forget to take the pill, FORGET, FORGET, FORGET!!'"
Total silence. Then my boyfriend's 80 year old grandmother, who
is seated next to me, leans over and asks me, my boyfriend, and his
conservative parents: "What pill is this lady talking about?"
Oops! I'll admit that I was (kind of) the one at fault
here, but I just couldn't help myself. Luckily, I think only a few
people heard what was going on and, therefore, the damage contained.
My uncle and his (wonderful) girlfriend of several years
decided to finally get married last year. Our family traveled several
hours to the event, which turned out to be one of the best weddings I've ever
been to. The location was a gorgeous country club and the meal was
splendid. The faux pas occurred during the ceremony itself.
The bride, being childless herself, had appointed her new
"step-daughter" (my cousin) as well as a some varied nieces and
nephews for the duty of being in the wedding party. Which, normally,
would have been just fine, except for the OPEN BAR that was going on for at
least an hour before the actual ceremony. The only one in the wedding
party (minus the bride and groom, of course) that was of legal drinking age
was my cousin who was hugely pregnant at the time.
The nieces and nephews, who were probably 16-18 years of age
had been sneaking drinks at the bar, in the coat room and in the parking lot
for quite a while before the actual ceremony. No one seemed to
notice this, or in any event, just overlooked it.
The ceremony began and before the vows, one of the nephews goes
to the podium to read that bit about how "love is not selfish, love
is never boastful" that is read in every wedding. Except, instead
of saying, "love is not selfish" in his drunken state, he slurs,
"Love is never a shellfish." Yes, ladies and gentlemen, love
IS never an aquatic invertebrate. I heard that and simply burst out
laughing. The nephew, bless his heart, never missed a beat and just kept
I tried to contain my laughter, but my mother, having heard
exactly what I heard began to chuckle as well. Before you knew it, the
two of us were trying so hard not to laugh that tears were rolling down our
cheeks. And, of course, the harder you try to stop laughing, the harder
you end up laughing. Luckily, we were seated near the back and I don't
think the bride and groom heard our inappropriate laughter. Every time I
thought I got myself under control, I would picture lobsters in wedding attire
and just start all over again.
So, although I don't think my faux pas is the worst I've ever
heard, I still feel bad about it. The bottom line, however, is
that some people should keep a better eye on the open bar and who, exactly, is
being served. Otherwise, you may end up with an unintentional comedian.
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