Jul-Dec 2000 Archive
I was at a wedding of one of my Fiancées high school
friends. It looked like she had invited everyone she knew. The best man was the grooms
brother. Through the speeches the best man had little songs to go with everything, that
was bad enough. The best man then started to go on about how the groom and bride had met,
when they were still in highschool, he then went on to talk about the time the bride and
groom had been caught by the bride's father in the backseat of the groom's car. He went
into every little dirty detail. The bride sat stonefaced and the whole room was so silent.
I have never felt so bad for someone as I did then. The best man went on with his bad
speech for well over an hour making everyone wait for their dinner. This is probably the
worst speech I have ever heard and I have never felt so bad for someone before.
I was Maid of Honor in a wedding three and a half years ago, and I looked forward to
giving a toast because I'd known the bride, literally, since I was born. However, our
lives have taken very different paths...I went off to college, and she stayed in the same
town, trying out different careers and trying to find someone she liked well enough to
marry. She's known since she was about nine that her goal was marriage and family; while I
appreciated that, I never intended to stay in that area, and only flew home that year for
her wedding and Christmas.
The best man, per tradition, stood first. He was a nice guy who'd had it rough, from what
I'd heard, but I'd never met him before and we didn't interact a whole lot. I've blocked
out most of his speech -- there were good bits as well, about how important love was and
all of that. However, he ended by pulling a previously hidden cherry from the groom's
pocket, laughing into the mike, "Take a good look, buddy, 'cause you'll never see
another one of these again!" I'm not sure who was more mortified -- myself, or the
bride's Mormon grandparents. For the record, I also have a serious problem with children
being allowed to participate in bouquet and garter tosses if the result requires the
winner of the garter toss to adorn the leg of the bouquet-catcher (same wedding).
At my wedding, my husband and I had decided not to have any toasts take place. We had
eloped and this wasn't the traditional reception anyhow. His good friend and his sister
noticed this and jumped in to make comments thinking we would agree that it was absolutely
necessary. My sister-in-law, and friend for 10 years, starts out loudly with "We're
all here because of me . . . ." followed by an I-am-so-funny laugh. I kept a smile on
face but didn't hear another word. Toasts0315-02
Unfortunately, this toast was at my own wedding. The good thing is that I can find
humor in it now. We began planning my wedding two years in advance. My finance took out a
loan on his 401k to help pay for it. In addition, my father took out a loan to pay for the
reception, which was held at a country club. It was a very formal affair with about 200
guests. We had three limos, and shared our trip to the reception with the best man,
"Jeff". My fiancé told me about how he took a public speaking class with him in
college. "Jeff" was great at giving speeches. On the way there "Jeff"
told me about how hard he'd been working on the speech. As far as I was concerned, I
didn't really care, just as long as it was tasteful- it didn't have to be anything
spectacular. But since he had informed us of his hard work, my expectations were a little
higher than normal. When the time came for the speech, all eyes were on "Jeff"
as he told the story of how my husband and I met. Although the story wasn't quite right, I
didn't mind so much until the last sentence came out - "Don't f___ this up." As
horrified as I was, I wasn't about to let it ruin our evening. But there is a lovely
picture of me choking on my champagne as the toast was blurted out. Later that evening he
asked me if I was mad at him for saying that. I merely smiled and said "Your speech
wouldn't have been the same without it.". I was right - it really wouldn't have.
The funniest toast I've ever heard was made by a nervous best man. He was really
worried about making a great toast to his two friends. He began beautifully with a
traditional Irish toast...but then the improvisation started. He said, "I hope your
love continues to grow from now until the day you.......from now until........from now
on!" Everyone knew he was trying desperately to avoid using the depressing word
"die," and the place erupted in laughter. Toasts0509-02
A few years ago I attended the wedding of a close friend from college, "Ted."
Ted and his bride "Angela" had a beautiful wedding at an elegant hotel. The only
sour note during the whole affair came during the toasts. First of all there were MANY
toasts, but the two that made the guests squirm came from Angela's identical twin sister,
"Mary" and their father.
Mary's toast talked about how she and Angela had always been "The Smith
Sisters" but now one was a Smith and one wasn't, and about how they used to have
their own secret twin language, but they couldn't use that anymore because Ted wouldn't
understand. I felt bad for her because she so clearly felt overshadowed, but my pity for
her increased immeasurably when the girls' father took the microphone. He joked about how
it was a good thing Mary didn't have any romantic prospects, since Angela's wedding cost
him a fortune. My heart broke for her. . Toasts0606-02
To put it simply our Best Man "Joe" was kind enough to inform everyone that
the strippers didn't make it to the bachelor party... toasts 1021-02
My husband's sister-in-law has always had a "flair for the dramatic" whether
it's marrying someone else hoping he will come in and object to the wedding, to pouring a
pitcher of ice water over a co-worker's head when she found out that the co-worker was
being given an office and she was going to have to remain in a cubicle. But what she did
at her own sister's wedding really takes the cake.
At her sister's wedding she was the matron of honor and, as such, was asked to offer a
toast. Several weeks before the wedding she had started preparing the toast and had even
gotten input from numerous members of her family when she and her husband went up to her
family's mountain cabin for weekends. Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents and cousins were all
asked to contribute to the toast to make it something 'really special'.
At the reception she got up to make the toast and, after the entire reception hall had
gotten quiet, proceeded to offer the toast. She thanked all the guests for coming, and
said how glad she was that everyone could be in attendance, and how exceptionally glad it
made her to see so many members of their family in attendance (keep in mind these are the
same family members that she saw every time she went to the cabin). Then she proceeded to
talk about how special it was to spend time with family and, without mentioning the bride
or groom even once, said that their family was soon going to be growing because she was
pregnant with the very first child of the next generation of their family. Needless to
say, this overshadowed the bride and groom's reception and when someone asked her why she
did that she said, "I wanted to make the announcement when all our family was
together." She could have just as easily announced it at the cabin, but that's the
kind of person she is - she can't ever stand to let anyone else be the center of
attention. When my husband and I got married I made sure to warn her that I did not want
to hear a word about another pregnancy on our wedding day. Toasts 0904-02
My husband and I married in June of 2000. The whole preparation, photos and ceremony
routine went off fairly well (a few minor glitches, but nothing to spoil the day). Then at
the reception, it was time for toasts.
The Best Man gave a beautiful toast; my sister, the Maid of Honor, had forgotten she
was supposed to toast us, but gave a spur-of-the-moment, heartfelt toast about sisters and
family [I'm adopted; we'd only met each other five years before my wedding], and joked
about being an Auntie to all our "kids -- I mean, KITTENS", as it was pretty
well-known to most of our family & friends that my husband and I [both cat-owners] do
not desire offspring.
My parents both toasted us -- my mom wished us a happy future (quick stall while my dad
came back from having a cigarette), my dad spoke of 'childhood growing into adulthood' and
how they'd guided me along the way (hard to explain, but it WAS touching), and ended with
"Now get a job!" said in a jovial tone, which had everyone laughing, as I'd been
out of school for a couple of years, but hadn't started working.
Then it was my Father-in-Law's turn. Without even standing up, he swiveled in his chair
to face the head table, raised his glass of sparkling cider and said to us (and I quote):
"You provide the kids; we'll provide the kittens." [they always have oodles of
cats at their house because they aren't responsible enough to spay/neuter their pets.]
There were a few weak attempts at laughter in the room; fortunately, since he didn't
speak up, a good portion of the room didn't hear it. I was livid, I thought it was a very
crude comment, but I just clenched my teeth and smiled (and later made sure it was edited
out of our wedding video). Toasts 0729-02
I recently attended a VERY fancy and pricey wedding. All the guests ate, drank and
danced as the reception went on. The best man, who was underage, had a little too much to
drink and that was very obvious when it came time for him to make his toasts. He got on
stage, grabbed a microphone, raised his glass and proposed a toast to the groom and the
groom's ex-girlfriend. HE SAID THE WRONG NAME!!!! The whole room gasped. It was so
It was a lovely wedding, until the more-than-slightly-tipsy best man got up to give his
speech. 'This speech won't be big and long,' he began, slurring his words. 'That's best
left for the wedding night!' Believe it or not, it went downhill from there, finally
ending with the following advice to the groom: 'Don't forget, marriage isn't a word, it's
a sentence!' The 140 guests (most of them friends from the couple's church and bible camp)
sat in stunned silence. Toasts 0826-02
I once had a co-worker, Janie, a sweet little thing, very soft spoken who talked
endlessly of her new boyfriend. As co-workers, we really had never met this young man but
she always gushed on and on about how sweet he was and how at least he was a Catholic so
if things got serious, her parents would be happy she was marrying someone of her own
religion. Both parents were very devoted Catholics.
Well, lo and behold, Janie comes to work one day and tells us she is pregnant and her
boyfriend and her are going to get married. There is a problem though, since she has gone
to the priest already and he has told her that because of her condition, she cannot marry
in the church. She and her family are heartsick, but go ahead and make arrangements at a
very posh hall where she will be married and also have her wedding reception.
The day of the wedding, the hall is decorated royally and packed. Janie's elderly
grandmother and grandfather are escorted to the front of the hall. Her mom is brought in,
the sweetest and most devoted looking woman you ever saw. The bride comes in on her
weeping father's arm, looking like a picture. The ceremony is loving and sweet. The bride
and groom very much in love.
I tell you all this because after the ceremony and just before the dinner, the best man
gets up to give the following toast:
"Janie and Mike, may all your ups and downs be under the sheets! Here's to
We all stood there with our glasses raised in absolute disbelief, and asking each other if
what we just heard was really what we just heard. We all put our glasses back on the table
untouched. Janie's poor parents were stupefied and her grandparents confused. Janie and
Mike were extremely embarrassed. What a shame one dumb cluck had no class.