MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES
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CONTENTS.
Chapters 1-7
CHAPTER I. Women as Leaders
CHAPTER II. Optional Civilities
CHAPTER III. Good and Bad Society
CHAPTER IV. On Introducing People
CHAPTER V. Visiting
CHAPTER VI. Invitations, Acceptances, and Regrets
CHAPTER VII. Cards of Compliment, Courtesy, Condolence, and Congratulation
Chapters 8 - 16
CHAPTER VIII. The Etiquette of Weddings
CHAPTER IX. Who Pays for the Cards
CHAPTER X. Weddings after Easter
CHAPTER XI. Summer Weddings
CHAPTER XII Autumn Weddings
CHAPTER XIII. Before the Wedding and After
CHAPTER XIV. Gold, Silver, and Tin Weddings
CHAPTER XV. The Etiquette of Balls
CHAPTER XVI. Fashionable Dancing
Chapters 17 - 23
CHAPTER XVII. Letters and Letter Writing
CHAPTER XVIII. Costly thy Habit
CHAPTER XlX. Dressing for Driving .
CHAPTER XX. Incongruities of Dress
CHAPTER XXI. Etiquette of Mourning
CHAPTER XXII. Mourning and Funeral Usages
CHAPTER XXIII. Letters of Condolence
Chapters 24 - 35
CHAPTER XXIV. Chaperons and Their Duties
CHAPTER XXV. Etiquette for Elderly Girls
CHAPTER XXVI. New Year's Calls
CHAPTER XXVII. Matinees And Soirées
CHAPTER XXVIII. Afternoon Tea
CHAPTER XXIX. Caudle And Christening Cups and Ceremonies
CHAPTER XXX. Modern Dinner Table
CHAPTER XXXI. Laying the Dinner-table
CHAPTER XXXII. Favors and Bonbonnieres
CHAPTER XXXIII. Dinner Table Novelties
CHAPTER XXXIV. Summer Dinners
CHAPTER XXXV. Luncheons, Informal and Social
Chapters 36 - 45
CHAPTER XXXVI. Supper Parties
CHAPTER XXXVII. Simple Dinners
CHAPTER XXXVIII. The Small Talk of Society
CHAPTER XXXIX. Garden Parties
CHAPTER XL. Silver Weddings and Other Wedding Anniversaries
CHAPTER XLI. Spring And Summer Entertainments
CHAPTER XLII. Floral Tributes and Decorations
CHAPTER XLIII. The Fork and the Spoon
CHAPTER XLIV. Napkins and Table-cloths
CHAPTER XLV. Servants, their Dress and Duties
Chapters 46 - 55
CHAPTER XLVI. House with One Servant
CHAPTER XLVII. House with Two Servants
CHAPTER XLVIII. House with Many Servants
CHAPTER XLIX. Manners: A Study For The Awkward and the Shy
CHAPTER L. How To Treat A Guest
CHAPTER LI. Lady And Gentleman
CHAPTER LIL The Manners of the Past
CHAPTER LIII. The Manners of the Optimist
CHAPTER LIV. The Manners of the Sympathetic
CHAPTER LV. Certain Questions Answered
Chapters 56 -59
CHAPTER LVI. English Table Manners and Social Usages
CHAPTER LVII. American And English Etiquette Contrasted
CHAPTER LVIII. How To Treat English People
CHAPTER LIX. A Foreign Table D'Hote, and Casino Life Abroad
PREFACE.
There is no country where there are so many people asking what is "proper
to do," or, indeed, where there are so many genuinely anxious to do the
proper thing, as in the vast conglomerate which we call the United States of
America. The newness of our country is perpetually renewed by the sudden making
of fortunes, and by the absence of a hereditary, reigning set. There is no
aristocracy here which has the right and title to set the fashions.
But a "reigning set," whether it depend upon hereditary right or
adventitious wealth, if it be possessed of a desire to lead and a disposition to
hospitality, becomes for a period the dictator of fashion to a large number of
lookers-on. The traveling world, living far from great centres, goes to
Newport, Saratoga, New York, Washington, Philadelphia, Boston, and gazes on what
is called the latest American fashion. This, though exploited by what we may
call for the sake of distinction the "newer set," is influenced and
shaped in some degree by people of native refinement and taste, and that wide
experience which is gained by travel and association with broad and cultivated
minds. They counteract the tendency to vulgarity, which is the great danger of a
newly launched society, so that our social condition improves, rather than
retrogrades, with every decade.
There may be many social purists who will disagree with us in this statement.
Men and women educated in the creeds of the Old World, with the good blood of a
long ancestry of quiet ladies and gentlemen, find modern American society,
particularly in New York and at Newport, fast, furious, and vulgar. There are,
of course, excesses committed everywhere in the name of fashion; but we cannot
see that they are peculiar to America. We can only answer that the creed of
fashion is one of perpetual change. There is a Council of Trent, we may say,
every five years, perhaps even every two years, in our new and changeful
country, and we learn that, follow as we may either the grand old etiquette of
England or the more gay and shifting social code of France, we still must make
an original etiquette of our own. Our political system alone, where the lowest
may rise to the highest preferment, upsets in a measure all that the Old World
insists upon in matters of precedence and formality. Certain immutable
principles remain common to all elegant people who assume to gather society
about them, and who wish to enter its portals; the absent-minded scholar from
his library should not ignore them, the fresh young farmer from the countryside
feels and recognizes their importance. If we are to live together in unity we
must make society a pleasant thing, we must obey certain formal rules, and these
rules must conform to the fashion of the period.
And it is in no way derogatory to a new country like our own if on some minor
points of etiquette we presume to differ from the older world. We must fit our
garments to the climate, our manners to our fortunes and to our daily lives.
There are, however, faults and inelegancies of which foreigners accuse us which
we may do well to consider. One of these is the greater freedom allowed in the
manners of our young women a freedom which, as our New World fills up with
people of foreign birth, cannot but lead to social disturbances. Other national
faults, which English writers and critics kindly point out, are our
bumptiousness, our spread- eagleism, and our too great familiarity and lack of
dignity, etc.
Instead of growing angry over these criticisms, perhaps we might as well look
into the matter dispassionately, and see if we cannot turn the advice in some
degree to our advantage. We can, however, decide for ourselves on certain points
of etiquette which we borrow from nobody; they are a part of our great nation,
of our republican institutions, and of that continental hospitality which gives
a home to the Russian, the German, the Frenchman, the Irishman, man, and the
"heathen Chinese." A somewhat wide and elastic code, as boundless as
the prairies, can alone meet the needs of these different citizens. The old
traditions of stately manners, so common to the Washington and Jefferson days,
have almost died out here, as similar manners have died out all over the world.
The war of 1861 swept away what little was left of that once important American
fact--a grandfather. We began all over again; and now there comes up from this
newer world a flood of questions: How shall we manage all this? How shall we use
a fork? When wear a dress-coat? How and when and on whom shall we leave our
cards? How long and for whom shall we wear mourning? What is the etiquette of a
wedding? How shall we give a dinner-party? The young housekeeper of Kansas
writes as to the manners she shall teach to her children; the miner's wife,
having become rich, asks how she shall arrange her house, call on her neighbors,
write her letters? Many an anxious girl writes as to the propriety of
"driving out with a gentleman," etc. In fact, there is one great
universal question, What is the etiquette of good society?
Not a few people have tried to answer these questions, and have broken down in
the attempt. Many have made valuable manuals, as far as they went; but writers
on etiquette commonly fail, for one or two different reasons. Many attempt to
write who know nothing of good society by experience, and their books are full
of ludicrous errors. Others have had the disadvantage of knowing too much, of
ignoring the beginning of things, of supposing that the person who reads will
take much for granted. For a person who has an intuitive knowledge of etiquette,
who has been brought up from his mother's knee in the best society, has always
known what to do, how to dress, to whom to bow, to write in the simplest way
about etiquette would be impossible; he would never know how little the reader,
to whose edification he was addressing himself, knew of the matter.
If, however, an anxious inquirer should write and ask if "mashed potato
must be eaten with a knife or a fork," or if "napkins and finger bowls
can be used at breakfast," those questions he can answer.
It is with an effort to answer thousands of these questions, written in good
faith to Harper's Bazaar, that this book is undertaken. The simplicity, the
directness, and the evident desire "to improve," which characterize
these anonymous letters, are all much to be commended. Many people have found
themselves suddenly conquerors of material wealth, the most successful colonists
in the world, the heirs of a great inheritance, the builders of a new empire.
There is a true refinement manifested in their questions. Not only do men and
women like to behave properly themselves, but all desire to know what is the
best school of manners, that they may educate their children therein. Such minds
are the best conservators of law and order. It is not a communistic spirit that
asks, "How can I do this thing in a better way?" It is that wise and
liberal conservatism which includes reverence for law, respect for age, belief
in religion, and a desire for a refined society. A book on etiquette, however
patiently considered and honestly written, must have many shortcomings, and
contain disputed testimony. All we can do is endeavor to mention those fashions
and customs which we believe to be the best, remembering always, as we have
said, that the great law of change goes on forever, that our stately
grandfathers had fashions which we should now consider gross and unbecoming,
while we have customs, particularly of speech, which would have shocked them.
This law of change is not only one which time modifies, but with us the South,
the North, the East, and the West differ as to certain points of etiquette. All,
however, agree in saying that there is a good society in America whose mandates
are supreme. All feel that the well-bred man or woman is a "recognized
institution." Everybody laughed at the mistakes of Daisy Miller, and saw
wherein she and her mother were wrong. Independent American girls may still
choose to travel without a chaperon, but they must be prepared to fight a
well-founded prejudice if they do. There is a recognition of the necessity of
good manners, and a profound conviction, let us hope, that a graceful manner is
the outcropping of a well-regulated mind and of a good heart.