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  • December 12, 2017, 10:31:06 AM

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1
Where is this wedding taking place?  In her home? 

I can't imagine a church having a wedding on Easter Sunday, and courthouses usually are also not open on Sundays and/or religious holidays.

I think I would just tell her that you love her, are so happy for her, and really were looking forward to her wedding but that it conflicts with your religious obligations and the travel there and back in one day just would not be feasible.

The wedding is taking place in a ballroom at the hotel - she hired an officiant and I think the officiant is a clergy member; I'm surprised s/he didn't mention it. Although, the officiant could do the ceremony and then still attend to Easter morning responsibilities, I guess.

Anna said she wished the hotel would have clued her in to it being Easter weekend - my DH's response when I told him that was, "Of course they didn't tell her! Who else are they going to get to book Easter weekend!!"

I'm thinking of, "I'm so sorry, but it's just not going to be possible to make the wedding. I'm so disappointed because I was really looking forward to celebrating with you and (your great guy!)." Optional explanation of "In addition to it being Easter, it's really close to the anniversary of DH's mother's death and I don't want to leave FIL alone for Easter or near the anniversary."

I'd go with this.  I think the explanation about MIL and FIL is good and also lays the groundwork if you do take a pilgrimage trip in the future, after FIL passes.

I made sure to find out when Easter was, when picking my spring wedding date so a great deal of the blame lies with Anna, not checking the dates.  Her disappointment is entirely on her.

The bolded was my thinking about the explanation, I don't want to veer into excuses, but I do want to get in front of something. And, my DH has the same response as you about the dates

I like all the suggestions, I'm starting to work on the message now and I'll send it by the end of the day.
2
I'm thinking of, "I'm so sorry, but it's just not going to be possible to make the wedding. I'm so disappointed because I was really looking forward to celebrating with you and (your great guy!)." Optional explanation of "In addition to it being Easter, it's really close to the anniversary of DH's mother's death and I don't want to leave FIL alone for Easter or near the anniversary."

I'd go with this.  I think the explanation about MIL and FIL is good and also lays the groundwork if you do take a pilgrimage trip in the future, after FIL passes.

I made sure to find out when Easter was, when picking my spring wedding date so a great deal of the blame lies with Anna, not checking the dates.  Her disappointment is entirely on her.
3
Where is this wedding taking place?  In her home? 

I can't imagine a church having a wedding on Easter Sunday, and courthouses usually are also not open on Sundays and/or religious holidays.

I think I would just tell her that you love her, are so happy for her, and really were looking forward to her wedding but that it conflicts with your religious obligations and the travel there and back in one day just would not be feasible. 


4
Honestly, however you word it it is going to hurt her. I think many people would be willing to give up one incidence of a recurring event in order to be there for a one-off event.

In terms of the clash with Easter, you mention that it is your favourite service - but you might be willing to forgo it for a pilgrimage trip. I would consider that there will be other Easters, but your friend won't )(most likely) have another wedding. Perhaps you could look into whether there is an appropriate service you could attend in the region where the wedding is taking place, and accept that this one year you will miss the big event at your own church. Would you be able to speak to your priest or pastor to ask about observances if you are not able to come to the service itself?

Might it be possible for you to go and your husband to stay with his father, or for you to both return on the evening of the wedding, so you were back with FIL for the anniversary? Presumably when you accepted the invitation your know it was near to the anniversary of your MIL death even if you overlooked the date of Easter, so I wouldn't mention that part of it at all, as that hasn't changed since you accepted the invitation.

If you don't feel any of that is possible, then I think you need to tell your friend asap, apologise, acknowledge that it is entirely your error as you didn't check the calendar before accepting the invitation - in other words, focus on the apology and not on the reasons, because it would be very easy for them to start to sound like excuses.

Thanks for your reply. I where it can start to sound like excuses so I'll just land at the "won't be able to attend" without the whys and apologize for missing that it's Easter. (I also missed that it's near the anniversary of the death. Something about March 31st had me firmly in "March" and not thinking a bit about April.)

To answer your question about the pilgrimage- a pilgrimage trip isn't "skipping" in my mind, it's an intensifying of the celebrating. For instance, we'd go to the Holy Land to observe Easter. To your other ideas, I'd consider going to Holy Saturday services at another church, but there's no way to go to the wedding and make it to Holy Saturday services. (To be more clear, it's Holy Saturday that's my favorite service -- it doesn't have to specifically be at my Parish.)
5
I'm on a couple of blogs with active commenting communities (as comments on individual posts, not a separate forum like this) and people will occasionally say things like "Marie used to post some insightful things on this subject." Or "So-and-so hasn't been here in a couple of years, but I still follow her guideline on this." Not "has anyone heard from Marie?" which might be intrusive, but "here are some archived posts that might be relevant." That shares what she had to say, and means that if Marie ever goes back to that blog, she'll see that the blog owner and commenters remember her and think well of her.
6
Life...in general / Re: Happened two weeks ago and still angry...
« Last post by Chez Miriam on Today at 09:30:43 AM »
"I really didn't appreciate the thinly veiled comments about my daughter on FB. I need to get back to my shopping."

I'd actually just say this to her if you either run into her or she contacts you.  And if her son was upset that your daughter missed the singing, I'd be very surprised for it to be true.  All of the birthday parties that I have witnessed are sort of or utterly chaotic.  But what strikes me about it is that they didn't wait for your daughter to finish in the bathroom before going ahead with the cake - that was rude of them.  Using the bathroom is a basic human right, need and in polite society it is absolutely private what is going on while in one. 

Imo it is all about you having said that there were some issues with listening and this woman just has to get back at you.  Stay far far away from people like this whenever possible.

I've had a public dressing down for leaving a birthday celebration to go to the bathroom!  The horrible boss [not mine, thankfully] I mentioned in the thread where I silenced a co-worker's phone to stop her getting the sack, took me to task because I left the room during a colleague's birthday cake 'ceremony'.  I was having a monster coughing fit, and as that can lead to an asthma attack, I chose to leave the room so as a) not to take attention away from the birthday 'girl' with my coughing, and b) to try and calm the coughing down before it escalated into an asthma attack.

I was absolutely spitting feathers inside at her attempt to publicly humiliate me, but I just kept giving her dead-eye* and repeating that I had needed to go to the bathroom so I went to the bathroom.  Eventually she gave up.  I'm so glad that I'd reported every incident of poor management/her department causing our department more work and most of her personal attacks on fellow workers to my boss!  His advice was that if she ever spoke to me like that, I could tell her to take it up with him, as he was looking for an excuse to rip her off a strip.  I loved having that 'get out of jail free' card, and that helped me keep my temper when I was feeling like a volcano about to erupt.

* You know where you look through a person as though they don't exist.

I think just realise that this woman has all the power of my not-boss: none whatsoever, and just become a rock if you encounter her again.  {{Hugs}} for you and your daughter, because that kind of spite is nasty to be around.
7
Honestly, however you word it it is going to hurt her. I think many people would be willing to give up one incidence of a recurring event in order to be there for a one-off event.

In terms of the clash with Easter, you mention that it is your favourite service - but you might be willing to forgo it for a pilgrimage trip. I would consider that there will be other Easters, but your friend won't )(most likely) have another wedding. Perhaps you could look into whether there is an appropriate service you could attend in the region where the wedding is taking place, and accept that this one year you will miss the big event at your own church. Would you be able to speak to your priest or pastor to ask about observances if you are not able to come to the service itself?

Might it be possible for you to go and your husband to stay with his father, or for you to both return on the evening of the wedding, so you were back with FIL for the anniversary? Presumably when you accepted the invitation your know it was near to the anniversary of your MIL death even if you overlooked the date of Easter, so I wouldn't mention that part of it at all, as that hasn't changed since you accepted the invitation.

If you don't feel any of that is possible, then I think you need to tell your friend asap, apologise, acknowledge that it is entirely your error as you didn't check the calendar before accepting the invitation - in other words, focus on the apology and not on the reasons, because it would be very easy for them to start to sound like excuses.
8
Life...in general / Re: Happened two weeks ago and still angry...
« Last post by NFPwife on Today at 09:24:02 AM »
I would be angry too.  But the Facebook thing where she criticized your daughter?  Don't think for a minute that any other parents reading that would not immediately feel extremely uncomfortable about that. 

They might or might not guess who the child being referenced actually was, but it says volumes about that woman and I think it's fair and almost certainly correct to say that the other mothers reading that were not favorably impressed toward her.   If I had been someone else reading that I'd have never wanted my child to have anything to do with her kids again because I'd feel she'd probably treat them the same way she treated your daughter.

A huge POD to the bolded. I see people post things like that and I think very poorly of them. I also think poorly of the sycophants who get on and validate their nonsense. (It seems like these people have a couple steady "yes men" - so annoying.)

You've gotten lots of great advice, you're in the right, your daughter did nothing wrong. I wouldn't dignify any of this nonsense with a response.

I understand why you're burning about it, I'm angry for you and your DD!
9
As others have said, with what we know here the reasonable request is some form of "please don't post information about me, however innocuous, in a way that soon-to-be-ex can see." (I don't use FB much, so have no comment on the mechanics of blocking etc.)

Beyond that, there are situations (including but not limited to abusive relationships) in which I would say something like "I'm sorry that person did that, and thanks for sharing that information. They are no longer welcome in my home or my life." And if someone isn't welcome in my life, that includes my social media.

There are many more unfriendly breakups where I would accept "please don't invite us to the same parties, or tell them what's going on in my life" but still consider both people to be my friends. And then I'd be thinking about how to handle a post like "I had dim sum today with Alice, Bob, and Carol, and we talked about the Iliad and our vacation plans" if Carol didn't want people posting about her where her ex Zoltan could see it. (I might leave her name out--"a few friends, and we talked about the Iliad"--or I might make the first version, with names, filtered so Zoltan couldn't see it. When my sister broke up with her then-husband, I didn't unfriend him (she didn't ask me to), but I did take him out of a couple of filters, because I wanted a bit more distance.
10
A friend we'll call Anna lives in another state is getting married this spring. She's at mid-life and this is her first wedding. She sent out save the dates in late September/ October for March 31st. The save the date asked for an RSVP to be emailed. I'm thrilled that she's getting married and (finally!) found a great guy and we replied immediately and were planning to travel to the wedding. It would involve airfare and hotel and we were planning to either go a little early or stay a bit after for a mini vacation.

I travel to Anna's area for business and we had dinner last week and she was talking about wedding plans and then said, "I hope people are going to come since it's Easter weekend." And I was shocked! I said, "What?! It's Easter?! How did I miss that?!" She said she missed it too. We both went through all the things that impacted how we missed it - electronic calendars don't show Easter, I didn't have the "church" calendar with holydays on it yet (we just got it last week, in fact), March 31st is the last day on the calendar and if you're looking at that and don't flip up to April then you miss Easter on the 1st, blah, blah, blah....

Anna said, "I wish the hotel would have said something." I said, "I don't think we're going to be able to make it." Anna and I are the same broad religion, different denominations and my denomination starts services related to Easter the Thursday before and then there's something daily, that we attend, until Sunday morning. (The Saturday evening is my favorite service of the year and we never miss it.) Anna started to say things like, "You could fly in in the morning, go to the ceremony and fly home that night."

Aside from religious observations, DH is an only child and his mother passed -- it will be two years in April. I really don't want to leave FIL alone for a holiday, especially one so close to the anniversary. (We've had a "rule" that we don't travel for major holidays for years, even before MIL passed. We bent it this year and traveled over Thanksgiving and I won't do it again.) There could come a time, when FIL is no longer with us, that we might travel over Easter for what I would consider a pilgrimage trip instead of a holiday, but I wouldn't do that now.

In the moment I said to Anna that I needed to talk to DH about this. She knows how our denomination observes Easter, she also said she's going to contact all her out of town guests to make sure they know it's Easter weekend.  She does expect yeses to change to nos because of it, but I can tell that she'll be disappointed.

So, I need to send her the "We're not going to be able to make it" message and I want to check the wording with all of you.


I'm wondering if I should say something about not wanting to leave FIL alone -- here's why I would consider saying it -- as I said, I could see DH and I taking a pilgrimage trip over Easter in the future and I don't want her to say, "But you didn't come to my wedding over Easter!" Right now, she's not a Bridezilla, but there is a bit of disappointment that some people in her life don't have the level of enthusiasm for her upcoming nuptials that she expects them to have. I did say something at dinner about not wanting to leave him, adding it to my message would just be trying to get in front of something down the line. Or is that JADEing and borrowing trouble??

I'm thinking of, "I'm so sorry, but it's just not going to be possible to make the wedding. I'm so disappointed because I was really looking forward to celebrating with you and (your great guy!)." Optional explanation of "In addition to it being Easter, it's really close to the anniversary of DH's mother's death and I don't want to leave FIL alone for Easter or near the anniversary." Or a more couched, "If things were different, we might be able to manage Easter travel, but it's just not possible at this season of our lives."

Thoughts? Other ideas?
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