Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Dating => Topic started by: auntiem on August 28, 2011, 05:33:32 PM

Title: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: auntiem on August 28, 2011, 05:33:32 PM
My SO and I were watching an ad and after someone said "but then you don't have the satisfaction of turning down the page" I said "who does that to a book?!" My SO admitted that he actually checked how I treated my books when we first started dating (I treat them "correctly" apparently). This made me realize that while there are some things I consider dealbreakers there are many more things people observe when first dating that slowly start to add up in the plus or minus categories that end up being the determining factors in the length of relationship.

I would be interested to hear what little behaviors / traits helped put your SO firmly in the plus column. The mental "gold star" if you will.

One of my SO's is that his house was clean the first time I was invited over (and every time after that too). Not in that "oh, my gosh this place is a wreck I've got to clean before she gets here" kind of clean, but in a "my house is already clean, but I'll run the vacuum" kind of clean. I've dated slobs before so being one wouldn't have been a dealbreaker, but the fact that he took pride in his house and keeping it clean was a check mark in the plus category.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: SamiHami on August 28, 2011, 05:46:58 PM
I really liked that he came from a family with very similar values to my own.

And he really won me over when one evening we were at a bar with friends hanging around out back by the bonfire. Someone brought a dog (a BIG dog) with them. We heard a commotion and realized that the dog had somehow gotten ahold of a kitten! With no thought for his own safety, DH (BF at the time) grabbed the dog and using his bare hands, pried the dog's mouth open and freed the kitten. Of course, then he didn't know what to do--if he let go, the now-angry dog would surely attack him! Luckily a couple of other guys helped him out. Gotta love a man like that!

As for the kitten, he took off so fast he was nothing but a blur.  We searched, but couldn't find him. I choose to believe that he was pefectly fine and ran home to treats and snuggles.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Judah on August 28, 2011, 05:49:51 PM
I really liked that he came from a family with very similar values to my own.

This and the fact that he was close to his family.  He enjoyed hanging out with them and was friends with his siblings.  His family has the same kind of dynamic mine does and that was important to me.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Knitterly on August 28, 2011, 05:52:16 PM
The way he treated other people.

Hubby is a door-opener.  He opens doors for other people, period.  Not just women or the elderly, but other people. 

Also, I once read the very good advice once that you can tell what sort of a person someone is by the way they treat the waitstaff. I think it's Miss Manners who said that someone who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.  Hubby has always been unwavering polite to the waitstaff, even when the service is abysmal!  On one of our first dates (actually, I believe it was a pre-date...I don't think we were formally dating yet), I caught a glimpse of the tip he'd left.  Let's just say it was very generous for just-average service.  I was not intended to see how much he tipped, and I never let on that I saw.  That little mark of generosity was a window into his character and placed him very firmly in the PLUS side.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Piratelvr1121 on August 28, 2011, 05:57:41 PM
He has a similar sense of humor to my own, including the all-important appreciation of Monty Python.   I'm serious, I don't know if I would have stayed long with someone who didn't understand what's so funny about "It's just a flesh wound!" and using empty halves of coconuts to sound like galloping horses. ;D

Also, when a mutual friend needed to get some things from the apartment of a verbally/emotionally abusive ex boyfriend, DH volunteered to go along with her, just in case she needed anyone to back her up if the guy tried anything, and to help her carry things out faster. 

His patience.  We've been together for 13 years, married for 11, and I can count on one hand the amount of times he's lost his temper. When I was in college I would go to him to help me understand things and he was very good at explaining things without getting impatient with me.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: MRSW on August 28, 2011, 06:16:59 PM
One of the first things was how thoughtful he is.  He'll hold doors, he remembers little things (although he can be forgetful, too; one day I'll figure out how he stores info), he'd bring me small things, like a dark chocolate Hershey's bar because he saw it when he stopped for gas.  That sort of thing.  And he listens.  My mom has been putting the family through eHell for the last year, and Chris has always been willing to lend a sympathetic ear, no matter how many times I've needed to go over the same detail to work it out in my head. 

He's also so good with my family.  He found out that my sister was failing math, insisted on helping her, and got her up to a solid B, without ever losing patience.  He deliberately wears his favorite football team's jersey when we see my dad, because he knows my dad LOVES teasing him about it.  He listens to all my grandpa's stories, even when it's one he's already heard.  When my grandma was sick, he found her the perfect get-well card, totally unprompted.

On top of all of that, he makes me laugh even when I just want to sulk.  It's never in a patronizing way, he just always knows what to say to snap me out of whatever problem I've been dwelling over.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Piratelvr1121 on August 28, 2011, 06:31:59 PM
You reminded me of a few more, PaintingPastelPrincess.

DH is a wonderful gift giver because he's really good at listening to what people say when they're talking about their interests.   The first Christmas he spent with my family he got my dad a travel case for a laptop and other things because he remembered me saying that my dad had to travel for work, he got my mom a set of nature sound CD's because he remembered that I said she was really into gardening and nature.   

And when my Granddaddy was alive we'd go visit and even though DH was in the Marines, Granddaddy would say "So, how's the Army treatin' ya?"  DH never bothered correcting him, just said "Oh just fine!"
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: virgo on August 28, 2011, 06:43:37 PM
I really liked that he came from a family with very similar values to my own.

And he really won me over when one evening we were at a bar with friends hanging around out back by the bonfire. Someone brought a dog (a BIG dog) with them. We heard a commotion and realized that the dog had somehow gotten ahold of a kitten! With no thought for his own safety, DH (BF at the time) grabbed the dog and using his bare hands, pried the dog's mouth open and freed the kitten. Of course, then he didn't know what to do--if he let go, the now-angry dog would surely attack him! Luckily a couple of other guys helped him out. Gotta love a man like that!

As for the kitten, he took off so fast he was nothing but a blur.  We searched, but couldn't find him. I choose to believe that he was pefectly fine and ran home to treats and snuggles.

Definitely a Keeper!!!Love a man who would rescue a kitten! :)
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Diane AKA Traska on August 28, 2011, 06:46:50 PM
My SO is as much a cat person as I am.
Also, my SO is a roleplayer.  RPGs have been such a big part of my life, that I couldn't imagine being with someone who wasn't into them as well, or worse... someone who thought it was "nerd stuff".
Finally, SO appreciates a home cooked meal.  That's important to me, as I *love* to cook.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: amanda_tlg on August 28, 2011, 06:47:41 PM
When my Dh quoted not just Firefly but then Farscape to me....I knew we were good to go!

Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: weeblewobble on August 28, 2011, 06:49:19 PM
Well, my parents wouldn't let us date at night until I was 16. (I was 14 and he was 16. It was a rule I agreed to before I met him.) We had to go to matinee movies or hang at each other's houses during the day for TWO YEARS. I think they thought there was no way he would put agree and break up with me. But he did, cheerfully, and it really helped us get to know each other's families.  When I asked him why a normal, hormonal 16 year old boy would put up with that.  And he said he knew right away that I was worth it.


ETA: We've been married for 11 years, together for 18.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: TeamBhakta on August 28, 2011, 07:01:54 PM
Bhaktaboy has always treated me like we're a team and a family, not just two people who happened to be dating each other. We make decisions together. That was a huge plus from the beginning. 

Plus he always brings me extra ketchup and hot sauce packets at lunch without me asking  ;D And he never buys a drink for himself at the gas station without buying one for me
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Lisbeth on August 28, 2011, 07:07:27 PM
My deal makers are politeness, caring, and respect.  Those manifest themselves in numbers of ways.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: hardia on August 28, 2011, 07:18:12 PM
Shortly after we started dating my choir gave a concert, and he attended.  There was a reception afterwards, and I was chatting with him (no small feat, as my parents and sister were also in attendance, and it was early enough in our dating that I wasn't ready to tell them I was seeing someone!), and mentioned that I was very thirsty.  Someone else came up to speak to me, and next thing I knew he was putting a glass of water in my hand.  And I thought, hmmmm, he pays attention, he figures out what I need, and he does something about it.  It made me look at him a little more closely, and as we continued to date I saw the pattern of thoughtfulness and caring repeated over and over.

And right now he's in the kitchen making me a cup of tea.  ;)
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Aggiesque on August 28, 2011, 07:22:05 PM
-His parents were not divorced
-he had siblings/liked kids
-was willing to tolerate my religion (actually, ended up converting!)
-I have more strictly defined gender roles than he does, which is nice, but also annoys me sometimes LOL.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Yvaine on August 28, 2011, 07:39:08 PM
I think he and I bonded, in large part, over our shared twisted sense of humor. I wanted someone I could be goofy and silly with.  ;D

Oh, and this isn't a trait that convinced me, but was a telling symptom nonetheless. I knew I was in love when I came home one day to find that I had new books in my mailbox and a missed call from him--and I called him before I opened the books!
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: MRSW on August 28, 2011, 08:14:03 PM
I think he and I bonded, in large part, over our shared twisted sense of humor. I wanted someone I could be goofy and silly with.  ;D

Oh, and this isn't a trait that convinced me, but was a telling symptom nonetheless. I knew I was in love when I came home one day to find that I had new books in my mailbox and a missed call from him--and I called him before I opened the books!

The bolded above was another big deal for me.  I have an odd sense of humor and most people take a little time to get that.  He got me right away, and shares the same sort of humor, which is a huge plus.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: I'mnotinsane on August 28, 2011, 08:47:18 PM
The first time DH visited my home we were sitting on the couch watching TV/talking and my cat jumped up in his lap.  She is very shy/skittish around strangers but she took to him right away.

Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: dietcokeofevil on August 28, 2011, 08:54:22 PM
On one of our first dates, he compared my humor to Dennis Miller.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Celany on August 28, 2011, 09:49:41 PM
This is an interesting thread to me, because it's something I'm reevaluating right now.

Things that are dealmakers to me include being comfortable with (or willing to be open to) the more unorthodox parts of my life. A love of learning (not necessarily being bookish, but having a general mindset of enjoying discovering new information) and a love of cats are also a must.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: jessikast on August 28, 2011, 10:25:32 PM
I think absolutely EVERYTHING about my fiance is just spiffing (except the socks he leaves in the living room), but when I think back to when I was first getting to know him:

Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Shopaholic on August 28, 2011, 11:06:03 PM
What I like about my DH:
- Kindness to animals, and extreme generosity towards their well-being. He doesn't blink twice at spending a lot of money and time on an animal in need.
- His motivation and drive
- I had a health scare, which I handled much better than my parents. They were freaking out, and stressing me out. He called them and told them to stop taking their fears out on me.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Miss March on August 28, 2011, 11:26:53 PM
When he stopped the car and went to buy a glass of lemonade from some children we had driven past, that when I knew he was a keeper.  :)
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: SheltieMom on August 28, 2011, 11:28:07 PM
Shares my faith,
Is great with kids,
Loves animals,
Loves to read, although not necessarily the same things I do,
Was willing to move my children's book collection, several times!
Loves to cook, and is willing to do his share of the cooking and the cleaning up. In fact, before I retired from teaching, he usually had supper at least going, if not ready, by the time I got home. After a day of dealing with middle school kids, and a 45-60 minute drive home in heavy traffic, it was wonderful to come home and not have to cook,
Has a beautiful singing voice, especially worship songs, and is not ashamed to sing out,
Gave me a boxed set of "The Lord of the Rings" for HIS birthday the first year we were dating. I had never read them, and it started me reading SF for the first time.
One of the most important: He never, ever, criticizes me in public, or talks me down even to his friends. (And I show him the same respect!)
We'll celebrate our 35th anniversary in December.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Bluenomi on August 29, 2011, 12:30:05 AM
On one of our first dates DH discovered I not only like the movie Spaceballs but own it. He told a friend who told him to marry me. DH agreed and a few years later he did  ;D

As for me DH is not a cat person but he tolerated my flatmate's cat who insisted on getting a cuddle whenever he visted. DH would give him one pat but that was his limit. He then let me get a cat when we bought our house (tohugh we were negaged by that stage) and now he adores are cat though he won't admit that to most people  ;)
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: purplemuse on August 29, 2011, 08:28:13 AM
There are a lot of little things that added up, but the first big one was his willingness to make an effort. We met online, and were a great distance and one international border away from each other. My parents (who were understandably freaked out) insisted that he come to visit me before I went to see him, and that he stay in a hotel for the first couple days of the visit*. I kind of rolled my eyes at all of that, but Mr. Muse agreed to all the conditions my parents set.

He made a 26 hour bus trip to meet me in person for the first time. I'd never had anyone willing to make such an effort to get to know me before. Later, he moved several states away from his home so we could see if our relationship would work if we weren't long distance.

*I was in my 20's at the time, but still financially dependent on my parents (college...), and it was their house he was going to be staying in, so as far as our meeting, it was pretty much their way or the highway. In the end, I'm kind of glad they insisted on all that, because a) he really could have been a serial killer or something, and b) it helped me see what kind of a man he really is.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: WillyNilly on August 29, 2011, 08:39:42 AM
For me, a big thing was that my beau owns books.  I've dated guys who don't and it never works out.

And he'll try just about any food at least once and enjoys a variety of foods.

And he planned out our first few dates instead of just having a vague idea, defaulting to a bar or the worst "So what would you like to do?"  I can happily make plans - good plans - but I don't always want to be the one driving, that he showed early on he too can make good plans, it was dealmaker.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: readingchick on August 29, 2011, 09:01:16 AM
What I like about my SO:

*He cooks. Some of his specialties are scrambled eggs with sausage patties; turkey burgers (grilled on George); morel mushrooms.

*He's a dog person. Every pup he's met has taken to him.

*Our politics are very similar....and that's all I'll mention on that particular subject.  :)

*He's not afraid to stand up for what he knows is right.

*We share the same interests (both like to watch football, hockey and golf; love to go to festivals; northern Michigan is our fave getaway spot)
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: RingTailedLemur on August 29, 2011, 09:03:14 AM
He promised to ring me, and did (the next day).

My cat loved him (she was a far better judge of character than I am).

He was open and honest - no silly games.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: JoyinVirginia on August 29, 2011, 10:03:29 AM
- He was raised in the same protestant denomination and his family had a lot of similarities to my extended family.
- He tipped well when we went out and was always polite to waitstaff and service people.
- I was working 3-11 shift when we first met and he worked 9-5, and he was willing to work with me and figure out schedules so we could date as much as possible.
- He liked sci-fi tv and movies.
- He liked video games.
- He had never seen a foreign movie or a movie with subtitles, and he willingly went with me to see "The Seven Samurai" by Akira Kurosawa, and actually liked it  a LOT! He liked to go to movies.
- He hates to dance and he took me out dancing because he knew I liked to dance.
- We were just as happy sitting around both reading books as we were going out to the movies or dinner or going to a party.
- He owned his own house, and was financially very responsible. Willing to spend money on fun things, and budgeted for fun stuff, but frugal and a careful shopper who rarely did any impulse spending.
- He didn't say "I love you" until he was sure he felt that way - I knew it meant a lot when he finally said it.
- He is honest and ethical all the time.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Stitch on August 29, 2011, 10:22:53 AM
How he treats his pets. I'm very big on pets and pretty much baby mine so I needed to have a partner who is not only an animal lover but has a lot of respect for animals in general.

He already had a couple of cats when I started seeing him, but it was a story he told me which cinched it. He told me one day over dinner that he "used to have a snake, but when I went to Uni I couldn't look after it anymore" now I don't usually like these type of stories as for most people they always end with the poor animal meeting a sad fate, and the person in question usually sheds no tears over doing so.

His parents weren't able to take it, as they had lots of rabbits and a dog so were quite busy already.  So he and his parents took the snake to the local zoo and donated it to the children's area where the staff let children meet the animals and stroke them. The zoo itself is pretty good, so I don't doubt it got a lot of care and handling.

I was so happy, as that seemed like a highly responsible thing do.

There are lots of other little things he does/has done but thats the one I wanted to share.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Dragonflymom on August 29, 2011, 10:23:35 AM
My husband and I met online, but when we first met up in person, it was at one of my band's gigs playing for a bellydance show and he cheerfully picked up my instruments afterwards and lugged them to my car in the pouring down rain.
When he met my daughter for the first time a month later, he kept an eye on her for me while I was playing at another gig and watched over her so conscientiously that everyone who didn't know me thought she was his.
He has never reproached me in any way for being unable to have children with him.  (this was after a previous marriage where my ex kept threatening to divorce me over my doctor recommending me to get my tubes tied after a bunch of stuff went wrong while I was pregnant with my daughter).
He shares my need for being held often, and has never treated me like I'm needy or clingy because of it.
He uncomplainingly puts up with going to kids' movies, state fairs and amusement parks for my daughter.
Within a couple months of my meeting him, he began sewing medieval garb for my daughter and I.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Auntie Mame on August 29, 2011, 10:46:55 AM
BF fell in love with me when I turned to him after he said something about spice and quoted "tell me about the waters of your homeworld Usul".  I fell in love with him when I asked him he wanted cake or death and he answered "errrrr, cake please".

Nerd love.

Big one for me: He likes his women outspoken and assertive (sick and tired of overly sensitive or overly macho guys who think women should be delicate and sweet).  Basically, we both like to be with people who will stand up to us when we cross a line.

The cat likes himas well, she has hated, hated, every man I ever brought home, except BF. 
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: WonderWoman on August 29, 2011, 10:58:56 AM
For me, DH:
* Commented on his own about how sexist an advertisement was. Most guys either wouldn't notice things like that or would "fall" for it.
* Appreciated similar music to what I appreciate, but was open to listening to things I liked that he never heard before.
* Made me laugh out loud often.
* Has a similarly dysfunctional family of origin but also has worked to over come it and not repeat those same patterns. We both share those struggles and help each other.
* Respected me and treated me like I am intelligent.
* Has never been to and has never wanted to go to strip clubs.

We have been married almost 10 years and together almost 14. Good times even in hard times.

Edited to remove a statement that many found offensive. So sorry.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: heartmug on August 29, 2011, 12:59:08 PM
He promised to ring me, and did (the next day).


My Dh too.  When he said "I will call Thursday" he did. I like a person who keeps their word.

We also had the same values and the same love of history books.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Fluffy Cat on August 29, 2011, 10:05:25 PM
* Has never been to and has never wanted to go to strip clubs. (He says that seeing women act out their childhood abuse issues is not s*xy to him.)

I also like that my DH does not enjoy strip clubs.  However, thats a really broad, and offensive brush your DH is applying in regards to strippers.

ETA - its your DH's view, not necessarily yours, so edited to reflect that
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Shores on August 29, 2011, 10:07:48 PM
* Has never been to and has never wanted to go to strip clubs. (He says that seeing women act out their childhood abuse issues is not s*xy to him.)

I also like that my DH does not enjoy strip clubs.  However, thats a really broad, and offensive brush you're applying in regards to strippers.
ITA. Even if that's his personal opinion, it was worded quite offensively.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: kkl123 on August 29, 2011, 10:21:28 PM
We'd met online and pretty much by accident... he helped me design some lab equipment, and I think some of my teaching stories amused him.  By the time we met in person, we knew each other to be basically kind people, and I was pretty sure he was genuine -- nobody worries about his friends' kids when there's a divorce (and volunteers to baby sit during court dates) unless he's got a kind heart.

We wound up in a science museum early on; the major exhibit in the life sciences area was on bioethics, and there were a number of open ended questions like, if a person was a kidney donor in their 20s, and then needs a transplant in their 50s, should they get "bonus points" for that earlier donation?  Our responses to everything were remarkably alike.

Later, when my mom's health failed, she came to live with us... the one remark she ever made about our marriage (she was agin' it at first) was that she loved to hear us laughing together... 

We are very different people from very different life experiences, but we somehow manage to make it work very easily.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: zyrs on August 29, 2011, 10:26:40 PM
When she came to visit for the first time, my cat jumped into her lap after 16 minutes.  The cat took a year and a half to let my mother near it.

Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Elfqueen13 on August 30, 2011, 08:55:50 AM
When I told him that if all he was looking for was someone to perch on the back of his Harley and look cute, he should keep looking. He laughed.  Any other response and I would have been out of there.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: lady_disdain on August 30, 2011, 09:00:06 AM
On our first date, we discussed Bach, mathematical puzzles and books. We both felt comfortable enough with each other, right off the bat, to joke around and be silly.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Shiraz_Much? on August 30, 2011, 09:39:31 AM
* Has never been to and has never wanted to go to strip clubs. (He says that seeing women act out their childhood abuse issues is not s*xy to him.)

I also like that my DH does not enjoy strip clubs.  However, thats a really broad, and offensive brush you're applying in regards to strippers.
ITA. Even if that's his personal opinion, it was worded quite offensively.
I agree.  Not sure why he thinks that all strippers have childhood abuse issues.  That is a pretty judgmental statement to make.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Bibliophile on August 30, 2011, 09:55:04 AM
DH likes pickled herring.  How that comes up in conversation, I don't know, but it did when we first met.  And he says that he can never get upset no matter how much money I spend on books.  That's a good man :)
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Cami on August 30, 2011, 10:33:52 AM
Deal makers:

1. Treating others with respect and kindness without being a doormat or passive.
2. Genuinely being free of bigotry (as opposed to paying lip service to political correctedness) and generally not inclined to put people into boxes.
3. Having not only a good sense of humor, but one that matches my own.
4. Sticking up for me and drawing a line in the sand when his parents made it clear instantly upon meeting me that I was the  >:D
5. Being interested in travel and new experiences.
6. Being relatively neat (no dirty socks all over etc).
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Auntie Mame on August 30, 2011, 11:14:38 AM
* Has never been to and has never wanted to go to strip clubs. (He says that seeing women act out their childhood abuse issues is not s*xy to him.)

I also like that my DH does not enjoy strip clubs.  However, thats a really broad, and offensive brush you're applying in regards to strippers.
ITA. Even if that's his personal opinion, it was worded quite offensively.
I agree.  Not sure why he thinks that all strippers have childhood abuse issues.  That is a pretty judgmental statement to make.
Good, I'm not the only one was offended by that statement.  It's an interesting assumption and highly judgemental.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: hobish on August 30, 2011, 04:58:30 PM

+ The big one in the beginning was similar views on monogamy, as in it is weird (To me! If it is good for you it is none of my concern!) and not something I want to pursue. Still is 10+ years later.
+ He is close to his family, but not too close – previous serious relationship was with an only child of a single mom who did not want to let him go … took me too long to realize he didn’t want to be let go. Never again.
+ LOL … and he is fine - and not in a yucky way - with me being bi (and will go to strip clubs with me)
+ He has made huge efforts to improve his English skills because he knows it is an obsession important to me.
+ Although it isn't something i share, i love that he gets really excited about politics and can argue/discuss them for hours.

hobish = used to work in strip clubs. It was actually pretty fun. I hate that people think you must have abuse or Daddy issues to do it. I’ve had friends comment that their girlfriend “has too much dignity” to ever do that. Really? I don’t see how it is less dignified than most minimum wage jobs and it pays A LOT better. I’ve said it before - I was able to pay my bills, go to school, tutor two ESL Math classes, AND be in the National Guard when I was dancing. Heck, I was even treated with more respect than my boss, co-workers, and quite a few customers than a few restaurant jobs I had.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: lilfox on August 31, 2011, 02:03:36 PM
DH has many qualities that were selling points to me, but I guess the fundamental one was he didn't/doesn't play games.  No emotional with-holding, no mind games, none of that dramatic stuff.  If he said something, he meant it, and I didn't have to spend hours dissecting every conversation trying to figure out what he meant by <x> or whether he liked me or not.  "Sincere" is probably the best description I have.

He told me once that for him, he knew there'd be at least a second date when I told him that I wanted to be an astronaut and had actually applied.   :-*
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Sirius on September 01, 2011, 07:27:25 PM
Mr. Sirius first impressed me by being extremely polite.  He's always been polite to everyone, and not just because of who they are or who they might be; he just does it.  He's also very close to his family.  He's always been nothing but respectful toward my dad, even when he had to tell my dad that he didn't like the way Dad was treating me and to stop it (another plus.)

He also likes the fact that I'm intelligent.  I've dated men who couldn't handle that I had an IQ above room temperature (and probably above theirs.)
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: LadyR on September 02, 2011, 05:56:18 PM
On the day of our second date, DH's sister's car broke down and his BIL had to drop the kids off with us instead and I got to watch how DH cared for his little nieces (1 and 2 1/2 at the time) and how good he was with them and that won him major points in my book. I remember thinking "I could have children with this man".
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Celany on September 02, 2011, 06:13:52 PM
* Has never been to and has never wanted to go to strip clubs. (He says that seeing women act out their childhood abuse issues is not s*xy to him.)

I also like that my DH does not enjoy strip clubs.  However, thats a really broad, and offensive brush you're applying in regards to strippers.
ITA. Even if that's his personal opinion, it was worded quite offensively.
I agree.  Not sure why he thinks that all strippers have childhood abuse issues.  That is a pretty judgmental statement to make.
Good, I'm not the only one was offended by that statement.  It's an interesting assumption and highly judgemental.

Speaking as someone who has been a go-go dancer and worked for the Owl restaurant (and met some full strippers & topless dancers at both places), I'd have to say that lots of us do it because it's a way to make a lot of money to help pay for college & has nothing to do with childhood issues. Though there are some that have childhood issues and getting to know them through working with them is just...sad.

Reading everybody else's thoughts on dealmakers has been really great for me. I've had a lot of "oh yeah, I didn't think of that, but it's *really* important to me too!" moments.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: afbluebelle on September 02, 2011, 07:18:00 PM

+ The big one in the beginning was similar views on monogamy, as in it is weird (To me! If it is good for you it is none of my concern!) and not something I want to pursue. Still is 10+ years later.
+ He is close to his family, but not too close – previous serious relationship was with an only child of a single mom who did not want to let him go … took me too long to realize he didn’t want to be let go. Never again.
+ LOL … and he is fine - and not in a yucky way - with me being bi (and will go to strip clubs with me)
+ He has made huge efforts to improve his English skills because he knows it is an obsession important to me.
+ Although it isn't something i share, i love that he gets really excited about politics and can argue/discuss them for hours.

hobish = used to work in strip clubs. It was actually pretty fun. I hate that people think you must have abuse or Daddy issues to do it. I’ve had friends comment that their girlfriend “has too much dignity” to ever do that. Really? I don’t see how it is less dignified than most minimum wage jobs and it pays A LOT better. I’ve said it before - I was able to pay my bills, go to school, tutor two ESL Math classes, AND be in the National Guard when I was dancing. Heck, I was even treated with more respect than my boss, co-workers, and quite a few customers than a few restaurant jobs I had.

At least at your job the customer gets punished if they grope you... most of my job experiences it was expected, tolerated, and if you complained you got canned.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: TOLady on September 07, 2011, 10:48:59 AM
For me, a big thing was that my beau owns books.  I've dated guys who don't and it never works out.

Definitely this!

I actually had met my DH and went out on one date (we were definitely at different places in our lives) and it didn't work out.

I ended up seeing/living together with someone for a few years who didn't read (and didn't treat me very well). We all lived in the same area so I kept seeing future DH in the area reading on park benches, coffee shops, everywhere! I just kinda kept him in the back of my mind as a very interesting individual.

After I broke up, I bumped into FDH at our local pub and we started talking again. After the 5 years apart, this time we were definitely on the same page! ;)

When he moved in, he had more books than I did - and that is definitely saying a lot!

Together almost 20 years - married for 6!

And he still holds doors, treats his parents with respect, calls them at least twice a week, tips well, does dishes, cooks and let's me be myself!

One other thing - he can still surpise me! I didn't find out until about 5 years ago that he is extremely proficient with chopsticks - who knew?
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Lynn2000 on September 07, 2011, 11:15:20 AM
Great thread! Before I read the rest I wanted to contribute something...

This is largely hypothetical... I'm interested in a wide variety of subjects--linguistics, genetics, royal history, astronomy, religion, marine biology, etc.--and I read books, watch DVDs, visit museums, etc. to pursue them. I think it would be important to be with someone who also liked a wide variety of subjects, even if they didn't overlap completely with mine. A friend of mine, who also likes lots of different things, married someone who seems to have literally two interests and that's all; they seem to have worked it out, so I wouldn't necessarily call it a dealbreaker, but it would definitely be a good sign if he was curious about many different subjects.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Eeep! on September 07, 2011, 12:35:53 PM
He was a long-haired skinny rocker boy!   8)

OK, on a less superficial note - my DH is an amazingly caring man.  When we were first dating I was a freshman in college and worked at a lazer tag place.  I would often get off work after 1:00 in the morning.  Most days, Jon would come when I got off work and follow me home (about 20 minutes away) to make sure I made it home safely. :)

Now 18 years later, even though he no longer has long hair (and maybe isn't quite "skinny") he still makes me feel cherished. <3

He also has always been a great listener. And he makes me laugh!
And now, seeing him with our 2-year old son has made me fall in love with him in a whole ney way.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Fireflyjunki on September 11, 2011, 06:29:16 PM
9 months after I started dating my now husband my brother was murdered.  He stood by me and quietly supported me through the worst 2 years of my life.  He went to the court hearings with me and made sure he always checked in when he said he would because I would panic if people were not where they said they would be.  It would have been so easy for him to say "this is not what I signed up for" but he was there there for me and 16 years later we are still together.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Diane AKA Traska on September 11, 2011, 06:44:11 PM
The serious dealmaker was when I was in an internet relationship with M, my SO.  We had been communicating primarily by computer, with a little bit of long distance here and there (this was back when cell phones were an expensive novelty and there was no such thing as Unlimited Long Distance.  Yes, such a day existed, and it was a dark time.)  When M found out that my computer had died, it was into the M-Mobile!  M drove a thousand miles and spent a week with me, helping me get a new system up and running, because M didn't want us to be out of contact like that.  That impressed me.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: EduardosGirl on September 12, 2011, 06:22:28 AM
He wrote me surreal erotica, featuring Stephen Hawking and one of his graduate students, called 'Chair of Love'.

He also bought me a large feathered fan for Christmas, so I could pretend to be a war era dancer with the pretence of modesty.

These are not huge things, but he so completely gets me and it's hard to explain that. So... surreal erotica and feathered fans.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: QueenofAllThings on September 12, 2011, 08:39:18 AM
On the day we met, he wanted to know all about me. Didn't talk about himself at all, which was a refreshing change.

The day I met his (very small) children, we took them to the Museum of Natural History and then to the Plaza for a 'cocktail'. Their table manners were awe-inspiring and the three year old quoted Monty Python. That pretty much sealed the deal - four great men for the price of one!
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Allyson on September 12, 2011, 11:33:38 AM
He can take criticism and debate *really* well. This is so important to me, because I'm not the sort of person who hides when I have an opinion on something, and if there's a relationship issue, I want to be able to solve it without defensiveness.

He's a couple of degrees more affectionate than me, which is just enough to get past my reticence about those things, but not enough to make me feel smothered.

I can't hide a mood from him. There are times I've figured that I don't want to put it on him that I'm upset/angry, because it's not his fault or there's nothing that can change it. He always somehow knows, and gets me to tell him what's wrong without making me feel worse. And when I do talk to him about it, I have never regretted opening up. He can handle emotions without needing to get snarky or run away.

He *doesn't* make comments about how 'it's OK if I kiss other girls' or about how much he wants a threeway. Weird dealmaker I know, but as a bi person, I've found way way too many guys have these views. If I am going to be monogamous, I want to be unqualified, not 'as long as it's with someone who doesn't threaten me and where I find it sexy'.

I remember the moment I realised I wanted to keep him. I had an awful day at work--almost to the point of tears, and I never cry. It was 10:30 at night when I finally got off shift, and I send him a text saying that I'd had a really nasty day at work, but was finally off. We text all the time. Right away after the text, he called me, and said he could tell I really needed to talk. I think my heart did a little flip. ;)
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Moray on September 12, 2011, 02:51:04 PM
My dealmakers:

Polite to waitstaff, clerks, etc.
Respectful to others, especially children and the elderly.
Loving, if not close, rel@tionship to family.
Must have similar views with regards to children (nice to borrow, don't want any) and pets (nice to have, don't want to borrow)
Must have similar views on marriage. (I don't want to get married. Mutual devotion is all I want.)
My cat must approve. She's never steered me wrong.
Bonus points if they're an animal or child magnet*

*My SO looks pretty gruff and scary. He's somewhere between a biker and an archetypal pirate, complete with bad teeth, Naval tattoos, single earring and a limp. (I'd say he needs a parrot, but he already trained our cat to perch on his shoulder and glower, so that's covered ;)) Bottom line, he looks mean. Kids LOVE him. Seriously. Somehow, they don't see any of the stuff on the outside and immediately know "This is a guy who will make T-Rex noises on command and teach us how to make bottle rockets! Tackle him!"
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Elfqueen13 on September 12, 2011, 04:18:19 PM
My dealmakers:

Polite to waitstaff, clerks, etc.
Respectful to others, especially children and the elderly.
Loving, if not close, rel@tionship to family.
Must have similar views with regards to children (nice to borrow, don't want any) and pets (nice to have, don't want to borrow)
Must have similar views on marriage. (I don't want to get married. Mutual devotion is all I want.)
My cat must approve. She's never steered me wrong.
Bonus points if they're an animal or child magnet*

*My SO looks pretty gruff and scary. He's somewhere between a biker and an archetypal pirate, complete with bad teeth, Naval tattoos, single earring and a limp. (I'd say he needs a parrot, but he already trained our cat to perch on his shoulder and glower, so that's covered ;)) Bottom line, he looks mean. Kids LOVE him. Seriously. Somehow, they don't see any of the stuff on the outside and immediately know "This is a guy who will make T-Rex noises on command and teach us how to make bottle rockets! Tackle him!"

My husband is kind of like that - his teeth are ok but he shaves his head and he's 6'2".  Little kids and small animals absolutely love him.  He threatens to BBQ my nephews on a regular basis and they laugh and demand horsey rides.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Delia DeLyons on September 13, 2011, 07:26:58 PM
     Never, ever gets upset or impatient with me when I am being stubborn and completely unreasonable... Just calmly talks me down and asks me to explain my concerns to him clearly... And does the same himself.  Thanks to his calm, caring attitude at these times, I am actually curbing these (rare) tendencies I have and becoming more like that myself... Amazing to me!
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Ginger G on September 14, 2011, 08:54:26 AM
There were many things I suppose, but the fact that he liked cats was the first thing I remember that made me really start to like him.  Not long before we met, I had broken up with another guy that told me I would have to get rid of my cats before we could get really serious.  That guy said it was "him or the cats", I immediately responded, "my cats of course!" 
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Diane AKA Traska on September 14, 2011, 09:36:32 AM
There were many things I suppose, but the fact that he liked cats was the first thing I remember that made me really start to like him.  Not long before we met, I had broken up with another guy that told me I would have to get rid of my cats before we could get really serious.  That guy said it was "him or the cats", I immediately responded, "my cats of course!"

Does anyone ever actually expect that to work?  Worse, does it ever actually work?

I couldn't imagine giving up a loving companion for a maybe.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Outdoor Girl on September 14, 2011, 09:40:41 AM
A friend of mine caught back up with a male friend of her's a couple of years back.  They'd never managed to connect to date back in the day, mainly because she had cats and he was allergic.  When they met again, she didn't have cats and they started dating.

One day, he left the door to his house open because he was running in and out and a stray cat wandered in and took up residence.  She had a litter of 4 kittens.  He isn't allergic to her!  Friend took one of the kittens, they gave away the other three and stray got fixed and is happy to stick around.

Friend and guy are now married, with their two cats and have now added a dog.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Hollymom1229 on September 14, 2011, 11:58:00 AM
I remember my dog liked him immediately.  So much so, that for the first time ever instead of trying to crawl up between me and a BF on the couch she crawled up on the far side of him to lay down on the couch. 

He thinks of me in a million little ways.  Brings me Coke slushees because he stopped for gas.  Surprises me with mini-trips, gifts, nights out, etc.  He has done this from the beginning of our relationship and still does 13 years later.. 

He gets me.  I am one of the most changeable, moody women alive and he rolls with it and always has.

His sense of humor, he makes me laugh like no one else can. 

His love of animals.  While he is especially a cat person, he loves all animals.

His genuine respect for people's feelings.  This includes kids, who love him because he doesn't talk down to them or pander to them.

I could come up with a million of these.  We were long distance for the first 2 years of our relationship and it lasted because everytime I saw him or we talked he impressed me in a new way.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: #borecore on September 14, 2011, 12:38:37 PM
He's genuine, all the time. Sometimes this results in hilarity, like when he asks almost everyone we meet if he can pet their puppies (um, he even got dog-phobic ME loving puppies), but usually it just means everyone likes him as much as I do.

He's usually very even and calm. It took me a couple of months to be able to read his subtle signs, but now I see that he's mostly full of joy and appreciation; even frustration doesn't pull him too far off track.

The things that make him mad are the things that make me mad, too -- the really big ones. Mistreatment of living things, to paint it with a broad brush. We're good at encouraging each other not to let the smaller stuff get in the way, and urging each other to do more than pay lip service to the things that really matter.

He and I have had really different paths. To put it simply, he has lived a (monastic) religious life; I've been a careerwoman. We're both in a period of change. And we're helping each other find balance.

We're both educated and avid learners;  we're both vegetarians; we have nearly identical politics and morals; we're both funny without being ridiculous; we like very similar stuff in most cultural fields; we like to do similar things in our free time.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Ms_Cellany on September 14, 2011, 12:44:14 PM
Kids LOVE him. Seriously. Somehow, they don't see any of the stuff on the outside and immediately know "This is a guy who will make T-Rex noises on command and teach us how to make bottle rockets! Tackle him!"

I love this!
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: TeamBhakta on September 14, 2011, 01:03:42 PM
He's very reponsible about budgeting money and not spending what he doesn't have. He'll tell me "I need to pay the apartment rent, phone bill, etc this week. I can't spend money on xyz this week."
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: MRSW on September 14, 2011, 03:15:05 PM
Chris is also a kid magnet.  Last weekend, we were sitting behind two twin girls, probably about 6 months old, who were fussy.  Their parents each had one of the girls on their shoulders so they were facing us.  Chris was making faces, waving and silently interacting with them--and within 30 seconds the babies were all smiles, no fussiness at all.  It was amazing to watch.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Celany on September 14, 2011, 08:59:44 PM
There were many things I suppose, but the fact that he liked cats was the first thing I remember that made me really start to like him.  Not long before we met, I had broken up with another guy that told me I would have to get rid of my cats before we could get really serious.  That guy said it was "him or the cats", I immediately responded, "my cats of course!"

Does anyone ever actually expect that to work?  Worse, does it ever actually work?

I couldn't imagine giving up a loving companion for a maybe.

Yeah, there was an ex of mine that was completely not a cat person. And had the brilliant idea that he would start telling me that I was not a cat person, I was actually a dog person. He did not understand how insulting that  was, and how it pretty much ensured that I'd never take the relationship seriously.

I thought of another deal-maker: knowing how to take care of me when I'm sick. Which isn't hard, but I'm amazed at the number of self-sustaining boyfriends who suddenly became unable to even heat up soup when I'm sick. My last SO actually came over with the raw ingredients to make me chinese-style chicken soup when I was sick, which is one of the things that I cherished about him. And he made enough to last several days. Sigh.

Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Mikayla on September 15, 2011, 12:08:32 AM
DH and I met through work, and the first thing I noticed, which Vorpal Bunny mentioned, was his politeness, especially to waiters and waitresses.  I can't deal with rudeness "just because".  I got to know him better and loved the way he listened to me so attentively, and of course I loved the way he treated both my pets and his.  If you don't love animals, it's a no-go.

But the real clincher was we'd been officially dating only 3-4 months when my grandpa died.  I had to fly back to Chicago and he offered to come with me.  So he came and met the family, who loved him.  But my grandma - I couldn't believe what he did.  He came up to her at the pre-event (coffee and stuff before the funeral) and sort of bussed her on both cheeks in European fashion.  He's a tall guy and he bent way down, took both her hands in his, said something quietly to her, and then did the bussing thing. I was watching her eyes while this went on, and she looked so utterly charmed by it. 

It's kind of hard to explain how it came down and he almost sounds kind of pervy.  But it was very comfortable and I will never, ever forget the look on her face.  Somehow he penetrated her grief for a few minutes, and that's when *it* happened. 
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: fountainof on September 16, 2011, 10:54:39 AM
Mine was I needed to be with/marry someone intelligent that liked to have good discussions.  I also wanted someone with life aspirations that involved their career what ever that may be.  I also like someone on cynical side who is sarcastic and a bit snarky.  Also someone who wouldn't just roll over and do as I say because I said it, he needed to be able to call me out if I was being over the top.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Giggity on September 16, 2011, 10:58:15 AM
I never really doubted, but the evening I heard him up late and went downstairs to find him cradling my vile old cat Spot against his chest and murmuring soothing nothings to her, I was pretty sure.

And if I'm restless in my sleep, he sometimes gets up and brings me Bo. Apparently I sleep quieter when there's a malicious, obese ginger cat on my leg.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Wonderflonium on September 16, 2011, 11:02:19 AM
But the real clincher was we'd been officially dating only 3-4 months when my grandpa died.  I had to fly back to Chicago and he offered to come with me.  So he came and met the family, who loved him.  But my grandma - I couldn't believe what he did.  He came up to her at the pre-event (coffee and stuff before the funeral) and sort of bussed her on both cheeks in European fashion.  He's a tall guy and he bent way down, took both her hands in his, said something quietly to her, and then did the bussing thing. I was watching her eyes while this went on, and she looked so utterly charmed by it. 

It's kind of hard to explain how it came down and he almost sounds kind of pervy.  But it was very comfortable and I will never, ever forget the look on her face.  Somehow he penetrated her grief for a few minutes, and that's when *it* happened.

Actually, I think it sounds incredibly charming!
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: SiotehCat on September 16, 2011, 11:16:05 AM
In a very last minute thing, I took in 12 newborn opposums. My family didn't understand my need to save them and, because of that, they were very upset with me. I had been with my Dh for just a little bit, maybe a month(?) and I thought he was going to react the same way. I was afraid to show them to him.

I couldn't really hide them though. They have to eat every couple of hours and when there are 12 of them, when you are done feeding them 12th one, its time for the 1st one to eat again! When he saw them he thought they were the ugliest little animals he had ever seen, but he wasn't mad. He said I had no choice. He helped me with feedings and we were able to find a rescue that would take them 3 days later.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Diane AKA Traska on September 16, 2011, 11:29:53 AM
That's oppositively opprecious!
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Ms_Cellany on September 16, 2011, 11:41:27 AM
Apparently I sleep quieter when there's a malicious, obese ginger cat on my leg.

Well, heck, who doesn't?
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Diane AKA Traska on September 16, 2011, 12:11:11 PM
Apparently I sleep quieter when there's a malicious, obese ginger cat on my leg.

Well, heck, who doesn't?

Mice.

Which Bo and Luke don't cotton to chasin', as I understand it.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: portiafimbriata on September 16, 2011, 02:07:14 PM
This is pretty silly (but I think the small things are sometimes the best):

I love to eat empty taco shells. I can't resist them. When I made tacos for dinner, XH would get mad if I ate empty taco shells because I was depriving him of a taco he could have eaten.

DH actually makes sure to leave two empty taco shells for me because he knows I like to eat them. And believe me, he'd make tacos of them if I didn't! I adore him for this, and so many other lil' things.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: MRSW on September 16, 2011, 02:15:05 PM
This is pretty silly (but I think the small things are sometimes the best):

I love to eat empty taco shells. I can't resist them. When I made tacos for dinner, XH would get mad if I ate empty taco shells because I was depriving him of a taco he could have eaten.

DH actually makes sure to leave two empty taco shells for me because he knows I like to eat them. And believe me, he'd make tacos of them if I didn't! I adore him for this, and so many other lil' things.

Your DH sounds great and I think you XH is silly.  If they were your share, then it doesn't matter how you eat them, whether it's plain or with different fillings he likes.  I agree with you, it's the small things that are sometimes the nicest. :)
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Lynn2000 on September 16, 2011, 03:49:58 PM
A lot of people have talked about a love for/by animals being a deal-maker. I'm not really an animal person, though. If a potential future SO had pets, I'm sure it would be fine, but the needle would be nudged closer to green for me if he didn't have pets, and didn't have any aspirations to get any. I don't care for it when people talk disparagingly of animals in general, though, like, "I hate cats, they're all so evil" (and not meant in the "evil genius" way)--that would definitely move the needle back towards red.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: nonesuch4 on September 20, 2011, 06:45:15 PM
I think we had known each other less than a week when Future husband made his first visit to my apartment.

He wanted a glass of water and bent down to pluck a glass from the open shelving before I could say anything.

Portia the cat was a jumper. She felt more comfortable up high,and when a strange man bent over she took the opportunity and leaped onto his back...holding on with her claws dug into a brand new leather jacket.  He stopped moving.  He'd bought this jacket to spif up his appearance to impress me.  He quickly realized, and rightly so, that how he treated this cat was ten times more important than what he wore.  The only thing he did was ask me to get the cat off his back.

Portia did her best over the next eleven years to rid the house we bought of varmints, Husband's Dad had died one spring, his Mom diagnosed with terminal cancer earlier that week, when I realize old Portia was not going to rally. There were frantic calls to surrounding towns, as our office wasn't open, and it was Saturday. It was a long drive to a strange office, and a longer one home.  The forecast was for rain all weekend.  When Sunday afternoon came and no end to the rain in sight, DH set to digging a grave for Portia.  He was crying when he brought her out of the barn and placed her in the ground. 

The last few years of our marriage were very difficult for a number of reasons.  There is a tendency to be a tad bitter.  But many of these posts reminded me that it wasn't always "that way," reminded me of the little things he did along the way to be helpful and smooth the path for others.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Texas Mom on September 24, 2011, 11:07:50 PM
DH & I started seeing each other in August.

He had a female beagle who was pretty possessive - she'd jump up between us on the couch.  I didn't have it in me to be jealous of a dog he'd had for 5 years.

He said he knew I was "the one" when I bought Miss Beagle gifts for Christmas.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Samantha on September 25, 2011, 12:40:49 AM
He knows I like orange juice with breakfast and if he realizes we are out/low, he'll go to the store and buy some before I get up on the weekends. Or if he goes to the store to get a bottle of coke, he makes sure to get a bottle of sprite for me as well.

He knows I have to get up early for school and work Mon-Fri, and that I don't get anywhere near enough sleep... So he makes sure I get to sleep as late as I want on the weekends. If the cat is being too mischievous, he'll put her out of the room and close the door. He'll use the hall or basement bathroom, instead of the master bathroom if he has to go and I'm still sleeping. If the dogs are barking at something outside, he'll bring them in to quiet them (and close the bedroom door so I don't hear them playing in the back room). If they are barking inside, he'll put them out so they'll shush. If he is playing computer games or doing Rosetta Stone, he'll put on the headphones, close the door to the bedroom AND the office, and turn on a fan to muffle any noise, so he doesn't disturb me.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: amylouky on September 26, 2011, 10:25:34 AM
My mom had a cerebral aneurysm in 1981 that left her with a lot of brain damage. This had several effects, the most noticeable being marked speech impairment and cognitive issues.
Sometimes people treat her like a child (she's very intelligent) or worse, just ignore her altogether when she can't immediately get out what she's trying to say.

I knew my now-DH was a keeper when he met Mom, and acted as though nothing was unusual. He just patiently waited for her to be able to gather her thoughts, and if there was something she said that he didn't understand, he asked her about it instead of just nodding and pretending like he understood.

Odd, I know, but it's one of the things I value most about DH. He's actually very protective of Mom now, and gets really angry when he notices someone treating her like she's not there (some family members are guilty of this!).
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Sterling on September 29, 2011, 09:21:53 AM
Last night is a perfect example of why I am dating my boyfriend.

We were cuddled up watching a The Ring.  I love scary movies so it was a nice night.  Except I had forgotten about the scene with the horse and the ferrry.  In April I lost a horse to a flod.  I won't give the details but I found the horse and the whole thing was really tramatic for me.  The scene in the movie basically looked like my worst nightmares of what had happened to my horse. 

I don't usually get upset watching movies but this one got to me.  He knew before the scene was even over that I was getting upset so he fast forwarded and then put his arms around me while I cried.  I felt stupid but he kept telling me it was understandable.  He made me feel so much better.  Then he made me hot chocolate.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Xallanthia on September 30, 2011, 09:35:41 AM
I really liked that DH was as serious as I was about our relationship, from the start, and how deeply he thought about things, but the real decider to me was how he treated children.  The second time we saw each other after we started dating was just after Christmas (we were long-distance) and he was going to come to my grandparents' for our post-Christmas big family get-together.   I had twin cousins who were 9 at the time, so I specifically arranged for DH and I to take them to a museum for the day, as fun for them and a break for the adults (on the surface) but really as an opportunity to see how he would handle them (for me).  He was great with them, which confirmed my opinion of him :)
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Spoder on October 03, 2011, 04:34:52 AM
I love this thread...it's so nice, without being sickeningly nicey-nice, KWIM?  ;)

Any more stories?
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: dogcazza on October 04, 2011, 12:25:31 AM
I can't remember the last time my my soon-to-be-husband bought me flowers.  He always picks them from the garden for me! Last night I came home with take away for dinner to have a bunch of freshly picked garden flowers on the dining room table, for no reason!
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Moray on October 04, 2011, 11:52:37 AM
dogcazza, you reminded me of another dealmaker.

I do not like flowers unless they're in a garden and I don't have to get my face too close. The smell of most flowers is cloying and sickening to me and nausea =/= romance.  I'll take a houseplant over a dozen long-stemmed roses any day!

Over the last 5 years, I have been given: 4 Cacti, 2 Venus Fly Traps (which he named Audrey III and Audrey IV, respectively), 1 Rubber Plant and 1 Aloe Vera Plant.

If that does't say "I get you" I don't know what does.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: hobish on November 26, 2011, 03:47:18 AM
In a very last minute thing, I took in 12 newborn opposums. My family didn't understand my need to save them and, because of that, they were very upset with me. I had been with my Dh for just a little bit, maybe a month(?) and I thought he was going to react the same way. I was afraid to show them to him.

I couldn't really hide them though. They have to eat every couple of hours and when there are 12 of them, when you are done feeding them 12th one, its time for the 1st one to eat again! When he saw them he thought they were the ugliest little animals he had ever seen, but he wasn't mad. He said I had no choice. He helped me with feedings and we were able to find a rescue that would take them 3 days later.

12? What did you do with them? My ex-boyfriend's mom lived in a trailer/modular home and there were possums under it. I caught one little baby that crawled up through the stuff and we (ex and I, his mom shrieked) kept it for a few days in a cage before an animal rescue picked it up. Taking care of one was a project.

...not to get off topic, but there are possums in my back yard. Score: Jayna-5 : Possums-0
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: Diane AKA Traska on November 26, 2011, 08:39:44 AM
Interesting note: we had possums living in our back porch garbage can.  I go out there one morning to put trash into it, and three faces look up at me and hiss in simultaneous greeting.  My first thought:  What the HECK are those things?  Second thought: aww, they hiss *so* cutely.
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: ladyonwheels on November 27, 2011, 11:45:00 PM
hubby spoke to me just like he spoke to his friends and he waited to let me type on my liberator(at the time) instead of trying to finish my sentences for me. he's the most patient man i know. his beautiful dreadlocks and goatee also helped ;D
Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: blueberrypancakes on December 13, 2011, 04:39:59 PM
Just found this thread and love it!!!

For me: I already knew he was a sweet and fabulous guy, but when he came over and met my foster kittens I knew he was a keeper.  Picture a pretty decent-sized guy (6'2") sprawled on the floor with a string and 3 itty bitty kittens batting at it and climbing all over him.  When I asked if he wanted to watch TV or something, he replied with a big smile, "oh no, this is entertaining enough for me."  Soooo cute!!  ;D

Title: Re: Not the dealbreakers but the dealmakers
Post by: MommyPenguin on December 14, 2011, 08:59:03 AM
For me, this is going to sound strange, but one specific thing that I can point to is when we were dating, discussing becoming engaged, and he brought up children.  He said that he absolutely wanted to either have his kids homeschooled or go to private school (both of us had gone to public school, although only high school for him as he'd been homeschooled until then).  He also said that he really wanted to foster or adopt some children.  The thought that he had really spent some time thinking about his future children and what he wanted for them spoke volumes to me about his plans for the future, what was important to him in life (he hadn't figured out what career he wanted yet), etc.  I had never really thought about how I wanted to educate my kids, but after spending my public school education having daydreams about being homeschooled or private schooled or something, ANYTHING other than my public school, I was very amenable to it.

Also, we had been dating for three weeks when he started asking me how soon I thought was too soon to get married.  This, after he had waffled for several weeks over whether we should date at all (after we had mutual friends reintroduce us and we hit it off).  He told me that he'd decided that he had decided not long before we started dating that he was ready to get married, should opportunity arise.  The fact that he looked upon post-college dating (or, well, end-of-college really) not as something fun to do on the weekends, but as a specific path to determine whether or not you and a person would make good mates, and if you decided that, then why wait too long for the wedding, made so much sense to me.