Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Dating => Topic started by: McCutieBelle on August 30, 2011, 10:58:01 PM

Title: Do you play Match Maker? Update OP
Post by: McCutieBelle on August 30, 2011, 10:58:01 PM
If you don't, what is the nicest way to say no.

I am currently single.. and I have single friends, which is fantastic. All of them are very beautiful and a bit more successful then I am right now and I know some single men who for whatever reason we have not dated...

So basically I have found I am always the odd one out when it comes to my single friends.I am the catalyst to them meeting guys, and I end up home alone watching TV while they are out falling in love with my guy friends..

I have one guy friend in particular that I am highly fond of, and my friend is a model who is looking for a photographer... and she is the type my guy friend goes for... and she asked me to give him her contact information if he ever needed a model for a job. Part of me wants to help since I know what it's like to try to get work. I would want help as well, then there is the insecure part of me that thinks "no, not going to happen, if they are meant to meet they will meet and not through me"

Is there a nice way to NOT play match maker without seeming mean?

*edited to change the fact that ALL of my friends are beautiful, in their own way and unique. I hate saying that my friends are not wonderful and lovely... it seems rude.



Update-Made the professional connection and will see why this is going so slow with us... the dating is not official, we have not had that conversation and I DO like him, but you are right I should not let my silly insecurities get in the way of helping my friends with work etc....:)
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: jimithing on August 31, 2011, 01:18:02 AM
She is asking for a work contact, not a dating contact, correct? I do think it would be rather petty, and sort of mean spirited, to not give out her information for a gig, because you are worried they could be a love match and leave you off in the sunset.

I know it sucks to watch everyone else around you meet someone they are compatible with. But in this case, I think you need to treat it as a networking opportunity, rather than a matchmaking one. And maybe Karma will come back around and pay you in kind.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: Spoder on August 31, 2011, 01:24:00 AM
I'm with jimithing.

FWIW, I am also single, and kind of un-set-uppable, I am beginning to think.  :P. I have been single *by far* the longest of any of my friends, and though none of us have an extra head, they're not model material any more than I am.

That's all to say - I know it can be hard. The little tiny mean-ish part of yourself thinks, 'Why should *I* facilitate everyone being set up, while I end up the last single person in the solar system?'. Ignore mean self and be the bigger self that you know you are. Do everything you can to nudge along your friends' chance at happiness. There's not a finite amount of joy in the world that's all going to get used up, KWIM?  :)
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: MissKoreanna on August 31, 2011, 01:26:49 AM
It sounds like you have a crush on your guy friend. 

As written, you said your model friend is looking for work, yes?  So it doesn't sound like she is trying to meet someone to date, just work opportunities. It sounds as though you are thinking that if they meet because of work they will date.  It's not a guarantee that it will happen or not.  She might not be interested in him, and he might not be interested in her. 

I guess I don't understand why you think you would be playing matchmaker if you give her info to him for work related purposes.  It's not being a matchmaker if the intent is not to have them date, but to help one of the people find work. 

If you don't want to give him her information, tell her that the "look" of the models he typically uses doesn't match hers.  Some models are more commercial, some are more edgy/high fashion.

And whose to say you aren't just as beautiful and successful as your single friends?  I bet you totally are!!
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: Raintree on August 31, 2011, 01:36:25 AM
Any possibility you would like this guy friend of yours to become more than that?

If so, go for it. (Easier said than done, I know). And maybe I'm mean, but I probably wouldn't introduce him to my model friend either, if I were interested in a guy and thought she'd be a threat.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: Perfect Circle on August 31, 2011, 01:39:29 AM
You know how hard it is to break into this business. I don't understand why you wouldn't want to help someone else - all these contacts may become very handy at a later date. If they hit it off on a non-professional level, well, there isn't much you can do about it unless you tell the guy how you feel and see where he is in terms of your relationship.

Nice to see you back on the forum too.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: missmolly on August 31, 2011, 03:12:06 AM
If you don't, what is the nicest way to say no.

I am currently single.. and I have single friends, which is fantastic. All of them are very beautiful and a bit more successful then I am right now and I know some single men who for whatever reason we have not dated...

So basically I have found I am always the odd one out when it comes to my single friends.I am the catalyst to them meeting guys, and I end up home alone watching TV while they are out falling in love with my guy friends..

I have one guy friend in particular that I am highly fond of, and my friend is a model who is looking for a photographer... and she is the type my guy friend goes for... and she asked me to give him her contact information if he ever needed a model for a job. Part of me wants to help since I know what it's like to try to get work. I would want help as well, then there is the insecure part of me that thinks "no, not going to happen, if they are meant to meet they will meet and not through me"

Is there a nice way to NOT play match maker without seeming mean?
*edited to change the fact that ALL of my friends are beautiful, in their own way and unique. I hate saying that my friends are not wonderful and lovely... it seems rude.

The fact is, your friend asked you for a work contact, not a blind date. If my friend withheld a promising work contact in a tough industry because she was afraid I might hit it off with him in the romantic sense, I have to tell you I wouldn't think of her as a friend.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: blarg314 on August 31, 2011, 05:00:45 AM

Yeah, I think this would be kind of petty, and pretty mean from a friendship perspective.

And realistically, if a guy is interested in you romantically, he'll generally make a move. If he's not interested and only sees you as a platonic friend, no amount of trying to block his access to attractive women is going to make him decide to ask you out instead.


Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: Schmoopie3928 on August 31, 2011, 05:03:51 AM
I seriously don't see the problem. If you have an opportunity to help a friend find work, and you dont because of your worries she will date him, I'm sorry but I find that petty and rude. My feelings would be really hurt if I found out about it.
If you have a crush on this guy, let her know. For all you know, she can help you guys get together. If not, and they fall in love and are truly happy, why would you want to prevent your friends' happiness??
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: TychaBrahe on August 31, 2011, 07:07:52 AM
You know, unless you become a big name person, like Catherine Zeta Jones or Karlie Kloss, a lot of your work is going to come from tips and good words.  You are denying someone an opportunity to earn money.  Who might be willing to do the same to you?

Karma is a Female Dog.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: McCutieBelle on August 31, 2011, 09:08:38 AM
She IS looking for someone to date though as is he. I know both of them enough to know that he would probably pursue her romantically.. when you mix business and pleasure it can get volatile and I don't want to be in the middle of it. I want my friends to be happy, and if I can help them with work, great, but romance.... no, I don't want to be a facilitator of that anymore.

I don't think it makes me a bad person to not want to play Dolly Levi to all my friends and family members... why don't they reciprocate? Yes, I do like my friend a bit more then just out of friendship so I am remiss in pushing him into someone else's arms...

In general though,my question is about setting people up for dating.

Do you do it? If you don't want to, how do you say no?
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: Visiting Crazy Town on August 31, 2011, 09:13:41 AM
She IS looking for someone to date though as is he. I know both of them enough to know that he would probably pursue her romantically.. when you mix business and pleasure it can get volatile and I don't want to be in the middle of it. I want my friends to be happy, and if I can help them with work, great, but romance.... no, I don't want to be a facilitator of that.

I don't think it makes me a bad person to not want to play Dolly Levi to all my friends and family members... why don't they reciprocate?

In general though,my question is about setting people up for dating.

Do you do it? If you don't want to, how do you say no?

But she isn't asking you to hook her up with a boyfriend and he hasn't asked you to find him a girlfriend all she asked you about is a photographer  and there is no guarantee that they will date each other  or that she will be attracted to him or him to her  just because she is attractive doesn't mean that she is his type at all and it also don't mean that if he doesn't date her he will date you after all he has known you all this time and hasn't asked you out yet even though both of you are single
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: McCutieBelle on August 31, 2011, 09:16:24 AM
I understand that....

In general though, forgetting about the example...because I don't know why he hasn't asked me out, I have single guy friends that I wouldn't mesh well with in a relationship and that is fine.

What if someone DOES ask to be set up, do you do it? If you don't,what is a good way to say no?
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: bobsyouruncle on August 31, 2011, 09:31:36 AM
You are being a very bad friend and I can't help noticing you seem to have changed the story a bit when people didn't agree with you - first she's looking for a business contact & now she's looking for a boyfriend?

They say you should be nice to the people you meet on your way up because they are the same people you will see on your way down - how do you think your "friends" would feel to know you are withholding business opportunities because of some petty jealousy?
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: McCutieBelle on August 31, 2011, 09:40:08 AM
I didn't change the  story, she is looking for both. I just had a feeling that there would be drama if there was a set up. It is a vibe I get. Nothing jealous or petty,just a vibe that there would be drama that I would be in the middle of.

That example is nothing like this situation, and a bit underhanded....
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: PeasNCues on August 31, 2011, 09:43:52 AM
You are jumping to conclusions, in more than one way.

Even if they were to start going out, who's to say that they wouldn't do extremely well together?

I don't think in this case or in general that you can politely refuse an introduction because you feel it may cause you inconvinience sometime in the future.

Even if they did break up, all you would have to do is stay out of it.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: Peggy Gus on August 31, 2011, 09:48:45 AM
I didn't change the  story, she is looking for both. I just had a feeling that there would be drama if there was a set up. It is a vibe I get. Nothing jealous or petty,just a vibe that there would be drama that I would be in the middle of.

That example is nothing like this situation, and a bit underhanded....

The only way there will be drama is if you create it, and I don't see how you would be in the middle.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: McCutieBelle on August 31, 2011, 09:51:24 AM
I am jumping to conclusions it is true.

However say you really liked a man, and you were in the process of seeing if you could be in a relationship together. Then a single friend mentions "oh I see you know Bobby, he seems fantastic and we are both single, can you give him my number"

Why is it against etiquette to say "friend, I really like Bobby, and we are seeing where this is going to go, I hope you understand.My friend Mitch mentioned that he thought you had a lovely laugh and he's a doctor... would you like us all to go for drinks"  I think that's fine to do, but I could be against etiquette there. I don't know.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: Spoder on August 31, 2011, 09:54:16 AM
I am jumping to conclusions it is true.

However say you really liked a man, and you were in the process of seeing if you could be in a relationship together. Then a single friend mentions "oh I see you know Bobby, he seems fantastic and we are both single, can you give him my number"

Why is it against etiquette to say "friend, I really like Bobby, and we are seeing where this is going to go, I hope you understand.My friend Mitch mentioned that he thought you had a lovely laugh and he's a doctor... would you like us all to go for drinks"  I think that's fine to do, but I could be against etiquette there. I don't know.

Well, I think you could say that if you were already dating the guy yourself, even tentatively - or were in some way involved romantically with him. But I thought you weren't? (Confused).
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: PeasNCues on August 31, 2011, 09:58:22 AM
I guess it depends on whether you've actually done anything to indicate your interest. To me, unless you are actively pursuing a relationship with someone - with BOTH of you understanding that that is the purpose of your going out together - you can't "lay claim" to that person and prevent any other person from dating him.

If you are simply crushing on someone without anticipating taking any action in the near future, it's kind of strange to me that you would purposefully deny other woman access to him - even those looking for a business contact.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: jimithing on August 31, 2011, 09:59:08 AM
I am jumping to conclusions it is true.

However say you really liked a man, and you were in the process of seeing if you could be in a relationship together. Then a single friend mentions "oh I see you know Bobby, he seems fantastic and we are both single, can you give him my number"

Why is it against etiquette to say "friend, I really like Bobby, and we are seeing where this is going to go, I hope you understand.My friend Mitch mentioned that he thought you had a lovely laugh and he's a doctor... would you like us all to go for drinks"  I think that's fine to do, but I could be against etiquette there. I don't know.

In general, if you don't want to play matchmaker, I would say that you've been in the middle of situations like that before, and there was some negative fallout which you don't want to be a part of again. Just say you don't really feel comfortable with being in the middle of a relationship where you could lose a friendship.

But I don't think we can lose sight of the specific example you provided in the OP. If you like the guy, I would just say that you were interested in him. Also, you said you don't understand why he hasn't asked you out yet. Have you done anything to pursue him? Let him know you are interested in him?

I don't think it would be all that fair to sit by, waiting for him to make the moves, while you do nothing to pursue it, but also don't allow any of your other girlfriends to pursue it either.

But in any case, she hasn't even indicated she wants to date him. It's a business contact.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: jimithing on August 31, 2011, 09:59:47 AM
I see P&C are on the exact same wavelength. "Lay claim" is a good way of putting it.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: ilrag on August 31, 2011, 09:59:56 AM
If you've known this guy for a while and he hasn't asked you out he's probably not going to.

Either he's not into you, he's dating some one you don't know about, or he doesn't want to mix up your professional relationship (which is how you know him, correct?) with romance. It doesn't really matter why, it just matters that he's not asking you out.

Now if your friend asked to be set up romantically with him you could tell her that your feelings are involved and you'd rather not.

What happened is that she asked for his contact information for non romantic reasons.  How are you going to tell her no for that one?
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: Shiraz_Much? on August 31, 2011, 10:00:08 AM
I am jumping to conclusions it is true.

However say you really liked a man, and you were in the process of seeing if you could be in a relationship together. Then a single friend mentions "oh I see you know Bobby, he seems fantastic and we are both single, can you give him my number"

Why is it against etiquette to say "friend, I really like Bobby, and we are seeing where this is going to go, I hope you understand.My friend Mitch mentioned that he thought you had a lovely laugh and he's a doctor... would you like us all to go for drinks"  I think that's fine to do, but I could be against etiquette there. I don't know.
Bolding is mine.

Okay...you hadn't made this clear before.  However, I still think that it is wrong to keep them apart business-wise because you are assuming that they will just fall into each other's arms in love.  Could it happen? Sure.  But nothing is definite and although I do understand the emotional part of this...it would be very wrong to not hook them up in a business sense.  Then, just step out of it.  You won't be in the middle of anything then.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: missmolly on August 31, 2011, 10:01:38 AM
I am jumping to conclusions it is true.

However say you really liked a man, and you were in the process of seeing if you could be in a relationship together. Then a single friend mentions "oh I see you know Bobby, he seems fantastic and we are both single, can you give him my number"

Why is it against etiquette to say "friend, I really like Bobby, and we are seeing where this is going to go, I hope you understand.My friend Mitch mentioned that he thought you had a lovely laugh and he's a doctor... would you like us all to go for drinks"  I think that's fine to do, but I could be against etiquette there. I don't know.

In general, if you don't want to play matchmaker, I would say that you've been in the middle of situations like that before, and there was some negative fallout which you don't want to be a part of again. Just say you don't really feel comfortable with being in the middle of a relationship where you could lose a friendship.

But I don't think we can lose sight of the specific example you provided in the OP. If you like the guy, I would just say that you were interested in him. Also, you said you don't understand why he hasn't asked you out yet. Have you done anything to pursue him? Let him know you are interested in him?

I don't think it would be all that fair to sit by, waiting for him to make the moves, while you do nothing to pursue it, but also don't allow any of your other girlfriends to pursue it either.

But in any case, she hasn't even indicated she wants to date him. It's a business contact.

Big POD here.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: Petticoats on August 31, 2011, 10:04:07 AM
I am jumping to conclusions it is true.

However say you really liked a man, and you were in the process of seeing if you could be in a relationship together. Then a single friend mentions "oh I see you know Bobby, he seems fantastic and we are both single, can you give him my number"

Why is it against etiquette to say "friend, I really like Bobby, and we are seeing where this is going to go, I hope you understand.My friend Mitch mentioned that he thought you had a lovely laugh and he's a doctor... would you like us all to go for drinks"  I think that's fine to do, but I could be against etiquette there. I don't know.

I don't see that that's against etiquette. Be straightforward with your friend by all means. But don't expect her or anyone to cede ground forever where Bobby is concerned. If (hypothetical) you continue not to make any move toward asking him out, it's unkind and unrealistic to expect everyone to keep the field open for you.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: McCutieBelle on August 31, 2011, 10:07:12 AM
I don't sit around waiting, that would not be very nice, you are right. We are pursuing it, it is just going at a glacial pace. I guess my own insecurities are coming out. I think it is a good business contact but if my friend mentions she wants to pursue a romance I can tell her my feelings about him and let the chips fall where they may.

If someone does ask for a set up, I am happy to know it is fine to say no because of not wanting to be in the middle.If they meet on their own that is one thing... ;D
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: IDriveADodgeStratus on August 31, 2011, 10:08:37 AM
If he hasn't asked you out, and you won't ask him out, it seems a bit dog in the manger to not want anyone else to date him either.

To answer your question, would I introduce two friends of mine? Sure, but the "match maker" thing? Leave me out of it. I'm too old for drama. If they decide to hook up, it becomes officially None of My Business.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: Peggy Gus on August 31, 2011, 10:17:14 AM
I don't sit around waiting, that would not be very nice, you are right. We are pursuing it, it is just going at a glacial pace. I guess my own insecurities are coming out. I think it is a good business contact but if my friend mentions she wants to pursue a romance I can tell her my feelings about him and let the chips fall where they may.

If someone does ask for a set up, I am happy to know it is fine to say no because of not wanting to be in the middle.If they meet on their own that is one thing... ;D

You say you are pursuing a relationship, but yet you are afraid he will start dating your friend. To me it doesn't sound like a relationship is in the works here. If he is interested in you, he won't date your friend.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: Visiting Crazy Town on August 31, 2011, 10:17:49 AM
I don't sit around waiting, that would not be very nice, you are right. We are pursuing it, it is just going at a glacial pace. I guess my own insecurities are coming out. I think it is a good business contact but if my friend mentions she wants to pursue a romance I can tell her my feelings about him and let the chips fall where they may.

If someone does ask for a set up, I am happy to know it is fine to say no because of not wanting to be in the middle.If they meet on their own that is one thing... ;D

 Have you two even gone out on a single date together if not then you are not pursing a relationship together  you are just friend and if he has asked other girls out but he won't ask you out that meant that he probally isn't interested in you in the romance sense though you may be interested in him and stopping your friend from meeting him doesn't mean that he won't find someone else that he actual wants to date
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: Spoder on August 31, 2011, 10:19:53 AM
I don't sit around waiting, that would not be very nice, you are right. We are pursuing it, it is just going at a glacial pace. I guess my own insecurities are coming out. I think it is a good business contact but if my friend mentions she wants to pursue a romance I can tell her my feelings about him and let the chips fall where they may.

If someone does ask for a set up, I am happy to know it is fine to say no because of not wanting to be in the middle.If they meet on their own that is one thing... ;D

 Have you two even gone out on a single date together if not then you are not pursing a relationship together  you are just friend and if he has asked other girls out but he won't ask you out that meant that he probally isn't interested in you in the romance sense though you may be interested in him and stopping your friend from meeting him doesn't mean that he won't find someone else that he actual wants to date

^ This, pretty much.

OP, not asking you to kiss and tell or anything  ;), but...are you and this guy dating, or not?
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: McCutieBelle on August 31, 2011, 10:23:58 AM
We have gone on dates. I don't know if he has asked other women out to be honest, he is very busy with work and travels a lot, but we get together when we can. So yes we are pursuing something..:)
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: Enkidu on August 31, 2011, 10:28:22 AM
I don't "play matchmaker." To me that intuits a deliberate attempt to pair two people up. However, that is not the situation you're describing.

I think that adults make their own choices. If he switches from glacial speed with you to in hot pursuit with your friend, then that tells you a lot about your compatibility with him. I think you deserve someone who fully appreciates you and your good qualities.

I understand the impulse. However, in my experience I've never regretted taking the high road. I say make the contact.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: PeasNCues on August 31, 2011, 10:29:25 AM
I don't understand... how is he single and looking if he's dating you?
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: Petticoats on August 31, 2011, 10:32:48 AM
We have gone on dates. I don't know if he has asked other women out to be honest, he is very busy with work and travels a lot, but we get together when we can. So yes we are pursuing something..:)

Ah. Well, then, if your friend mentions him in a romantic context, you can tell her you're seeing him. But I think you should probably talk to him and find out if you're exclusive or not, and if not, whether it's time to take that step. :)
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: Red1979 on August 31, 2011, 10:47:57 AM
There is a very simple gauge you can use to help yourself learn how to react in almost *every* single situation.

It is "How would I feel if this situation were reversed?"

How would you feel if you asked your friend for a professional contact--one that would be mutually beneficial to both the contact and yourself, and your "friend" decided that you *might* date each other and since she's so tired of being alone, she'd prefer not to play matchmaker and so you'd lose out on that professional opportunity?  Despite the fact that you never asked for a dating prospect, but rather a genuine job opportunity?

You'd be upset, ticked and most likely questioning the merit of a "friendship" that allows petty jealousies to get in the way of helping a friend. 

Either give your friend the professional contact or do her a favor and end the friendship.  She deserves actual friends who have her best interests at heart--not their own pettiness.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: Visiting Crazy Town on August 31, 2011, 10:50:41 AM
We have gone on dates. I don't know if he has asked other women out to be honest, he is very busy with work and travels a lot, but we get together when we can. So yes we are pursuing something..:)

If you all are dating him the you wouldn't be worried about him hooking up with your friend if he meets her.  It sounds like nothing is clicking for you two, but you are hoping that if you are the only option it will become more than what it is , the truth is if he wanted to be in a relationship with you then he would be in one, it sounds like  from your post that  you would jump at the chance for the relationship but he doesn't want one,  he may have gone on a few dates with you but does not want to purse it further if he is looking for others to date 
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: Ondine on August 31, 2011, 11:06:18 AM
I honestly don't see this as a matchmaking opportunity - to me, matchmaker means you go in with the intent of setting two people up. I don't see this happening here.

McCutieBelle, what kind of work industry are you involved in? If it is the same one as your model friend, from what I understand, it can be quite cutthroat, and finding a great photographer can be like finding a needle in a haystack sometimes.  If you want to date this guy, then you need to step up your game and tell him - going on coffee dates isn't exactly dating someone - I go to movies with male friends and out for coffee, but that doesn't make it a date.  If he doesn't want an actual relationship, then it can be about a billion different reasons why, and not because he doesn't like you.

I would also give my contact to my friend - if they date, then fantastic. Withholding information for my own gain? Really not cool.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: vTenebrae on August 31, 2011, 11:16:25 AM
I read this thread when it first opened and the story changes.

First your friend just wanted a business contact, because he's a photographer and she's a model.  Innocuous request, business related.

YOU expressed concern that since she's "his type" - that business contact would, somehow, turn romantic.  You said that she is single and looking... he is single and looking.  Your concern lead the rest of us to realise that you're interested in him, romantically - so you're reticence to give her the contact info, was because you feared a possible romantic opportunity for both of them and didn't want that to happen.

Everyone said you were being a bit selfish qnd to just give her the contact..

NOW all of a sudden the two of you are "dating" (A fact you'd never mentioned before, in fact your earlier posts seemed to indicate that there was nothing going on yet.. but you didn't want to accidentally "close that door" by introducing your girlfriend who is, as you said, 'his type") and you don't want to give her a business contact because....?  You think your male friend is such a dog that, even though he's dating you, he'd run off with your female friend AND that your female friend is so untrustworthy, she'd steal your man? 

It's not hard to give her the business contact and couch it with a jokey "Don't get any ideas about him, we're already dating" with a cheeky smile and a laugh.

I don't know, your story isn't adding up and it's frustrating to wade through.  Either you're dating this guy and he's a snake... or you're not dating and you want to keep the field open for yourself.  Either way, refusing to pass along a business contact to a friend is pretty immature to do, based on "what ifs.."

Quote
Either give your friend the professional contact or do her a favor and end the friendship.  She deserves actual friends who have her best interests at heart--not their own pettiness.
Exactly.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker?
Post by: Elfqueen13 on August 31, 2011, 11:28:13 AM
yeah...I know a lot of industry photographers that "date" their models.  They don't get into relationships with them.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker? Update OP
Post by: Peggy Gus on August 31, 2011, 11:38:04 AM
You completely edited your first post, you deleted the most important line that has led to a 3 page discussion.

 I think it is a little dirty to go back and change your post completely when people disagree with you.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker? Update OP
Post by: Winterlight on August 31, 2011, 11:48:57 AM
I think if he meets her and decides she's the love of his life it's going to happen whether you provide the contact or not. Also, for all you know, they will meet and his visiting BFF will fall madly in love with her. Or they may all be wiped out by a meteor. Or they may hate each other on sight. Or...

"What-if's" will drive you crazy. I'd give her the contact.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker? Update OP
Post by: Miss Vertigo on August 31, 2011, 12:30:43 PM
OK.

Leaving aside the business detail:

If I asked a close friend - and it would have to be a close friend - for a guy's contact details and she stalled, I'd wonder why but probably not give it too much thought.

If she then came to me and said 'Look, I really like this guy and I'm trying to develop our friendship... would you mind not dating him?' then yes, if she was a good friend to me in other ways, I'd honour that and step aside if there was potential for the two of them.

However, if I found out the reason she'd withheld his contact details was because she was jealous, and she didn't have the decency to talk to me about it first and give me a chance to step aside, and that she thought so uncharitably of me that she assumed I'd dive in and 'steal' him, then all bets are off and hell yes I'd date him if I wanted to, because she's already shown how interested she is in the friendship, ie, not at all; she's only interested in herself and her needs/wants.

Add in the business detail and you have an even worse situation: a 'friend' who stands in the way of your career through jealousy and her own dissatisfaction at her own love life or lack thereof. That friendship would die a death, really quick.

This friend is obviously hypothetical, OP. But I suggest you think long and hard about what's the most important to you, and think about the fact that withholding may get you exactly what you don't want.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker? Update OP
Post by: bah12 on August 31, 2011, 02:54:51 PM
I've always disliked the idea that someone can lay claim to a person they aren't dating and tell their friends to stay away.

I know things get murky in friendships...especially close ones, where you (generic) know your friends have a crush and discuss the crush with her often enough to know that if he started dating someone else, especially a friend, it would be hurtful.

I would never actively pursue a guy that my friend likes, but at the same time, I would never tell my friends that she's not allowed to go out with a guy I like if his feelings aren't reciprocated.

I'm a little confused with the situation in the OP.  The OP likes the photographer so she doesn't want to give her model friend a business contact because she's assuming they will hook up.  I agree with everyone else that it's a huge leap and sort of petty.  Even if they do hook up, as much as it may hurt to not be the one he chooses, at least she'll know where she stands.

The fact that now they appear to be dating just makes the OP's actions more petty...because she's basically saying that neither of them are trustworthy and is deliberately trying to keep them from even knowing the other exists.

OP, you shouldn't have to make a guy like you.  If this photographer is dating you in good faith and truly likes you, then no matter how many beautiful models cross his path, he'll want to date you.  If you have to constantly work to keep single women away from guys you like, is it worth it?
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker? Update OP
Post by: #borecore on August 31, 2011, 03:33:35 PM
McCutieBelle, given the anxiety you seem to be displaying about your friends' and your romantic lives, perhaps it would serve you well to make a concerted effort to (A) not worry about finding an s/o so much, particularly in professional situations; (B) not concern yourself with who your friends or acquaintances are dating except in the way you might be concerned with the latest TV news; (C) learn to delineate professional and romantic relationships; and (D) take an 'innocent until proven guilty' approach to your friends, business contacts and fellow eHellions.

Preemptive worrying and too much concern about the hypothetical will just lead to more stress. (And don't I know it!)

If I've misread the situation here or in your other threads, I apologize, but the tone overall seems to be a great deal of anxiety about other people's problems or problems that haven't happened to you yet.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker? Update OP
Post by: Raintree on August 31, 2011, 03:35:50 PM
I agree with everyone else on the general principle, but I can kind of see the OP's point too. Possibly in the past, every time there's a guy she likes and he meets one of her friends, the friend ends up hooking up with the guy. I went through this all through my teens and early 20's. It's painful to have to watch it, and makes you not want to introduce your friends anymore.

It wasn't that I wasn't good looking enough, and I imagine my personality didn't suck as the guys would show some initial interest. But I wasn't all that outgoing, and some of my female friends had a way of elbowing their way in and I wasn't sure how to hold my ground. So while I'd think something was progressing quite nicely with a guy, it was sometimes a matter of "the squeaky wheel gets the grease" ie they were somewhat more flirty and outgoing and would redirect the guy's attention.

I agree it's kind of not nice to withhold a good business contact, but on the other hand, is this really a business contact, or is this model friend just interested in an excuse to get to know this photographer guy? Is it the OP's job to find contacts for her friend?

Again, I agree that if the guy likes the OP, it shouldn't matter, but I've also met some pretty competitive women (when it comes to men) who like to shunt attention to themselves instead of hanging back and allowing something to happen slowly with their less aggressive friend.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker? Update OP
Post by: McCutieBelle on August 31, 2011, 03:40:59 PM
Raintree, may I triple POD you. Those are my feelings exactly. :) Thank you, thank you!

Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker? Update OP
Post by: jimithing on August 31, 2011, 03:43:08 PM

I agree it's kind of not nice to withhold a good business contact, but on the other hand, is this really a business contact, or is this model friend just interested in an excuse to get to know this photographer guy? Is it the OP's job to find contacts for her friend?


I don't think the OP is under any obligation to help anyone find contacts. But if I remember correctly, the OP is in L.A., in the entertainment industry, where networking is extremely important. Like I said in my OP, I think if you don't want to help others, that's fine, but then you need to expect that no one will be willing to help you.

And in a town and industry that is all about "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine.", it seems rather unwise and shortsighted.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker? Update OP
Post by: Bibliophile on August 31, 2011, 03:43:29 PM
I agree with everyone else on the general principle, but I can kind of see the OP's point too. Possibly in the past, every time there's a guy she likes and he meets one of her friends, the friend ends up hooking up with the guy. I went through this all through my teens and early 20's. It's painful to have to watch it, and makes you not want to introduce your friends anymore.

It wasn't that I wasn't good looking enough, and I imagine my personality didn't suck as the guys would show some initial interest. But I wasn't all that outgoing, and some of my female friends had a way of elbowing their way in and I wasn't sure how to hold my ground. So while I'd think something was progressing quite nicely with a guy, it was sometimes a matter of "the squeaky wheel gets the grease" ie they were somewhat more flirty and outgoing and would redirect the guy's attention.

I agree it's kind of not nice to withhold a good business contact, but on the other hand, is this really a business contact, or is this model friend just interested in an excuse to get to know this photographer guy? Is it the OP's job to find contacts for her friend?

Again, I agree that if the guy likes the OP, it shouldn't matter, but I've also met some pretty competitive women (when it comes to men) who like to shunt attention to themselves instead of hanging back and allowing something to happen slowly with their less aggressive friend.

If a guy is interested in you, he is going to date YOU, not your friend.
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker? Update OP
Post by: Goodnight Kiwi on August 31, 2011, 03:46:16 PM
I agree with everyone else on the general principle, but I can kind of see the OP's point too. Possibly in the past, every time there's a guy she likes and he meets one of her friends, the friend ends up hooking up with the guy. I went through this all through my teens and early 20's. It's painful to have to watch it, and makes you not want to introduce your friends anymore.

It wasn't that I wasn't good looking enough, and I imagine my personality didn't suck as the guys would show some initial interest. But I wasn't all that outgoing, and some of my female friends had a way of elbowing their way in and I wasn't sure how to hold my ground. So while I'd think something was progressing quite nicely with a guy, it was sometimes a matter of "the squeaky wheel gets the grease" ie they were somewhat more flirty and outgoing and would redirect the guy's attention.

I agree it's kind of not nice to withhold a good business contact, but on the other hand, is this really a business contact, or is this model friend just interested in an excuse to get to know this photographer guy? Is it the OP's job to find contacts for her friend?

Again, I agree that if the guy likes the OP, it shouldn't matter, but I've also met some pretty competitive women (when it comes to men) who like to shunt attention to themselves instead of hanging back and allowing something to happen slowly with their less aggressive friend.

If a guy is interested in you, he is going to date YOU, not your friend.

Agree - and:

(a) if you have so little faith in the guy that you suspect he'd run off with your "better-looking" friend at the first chance he gets, then why are you with him?

(b) likewise, if you have so little faith in your so-called friend that you suspect she'd run off with your romantic interest at the first chance she gets, then why are you friends with her?
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker? Update OP
Post by: Ms_Cellany on August 31, 2011, 04:51:55 PM
I'm in solid agreement with pretty much everyone else.

If nothing else, I'm a big believer in casting your bread upon the waters. (in other words, "networking pays off.")
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker? Update OP
Post by: bah12 on August 31, 2011, 06:01:08 PM
Agree - and:

(a) if you have so little faith in the guy that you suspect he'd run off with your "better-looking" friend at the first chance he gets, then why are you with him?

(b) likewise, if you have so little faith in your so-called friend that you suspect she'd run off with your romantic interest at the first chance she gets, then why are you friends with her?

Exactly.  I know it's easier said and done, but the OP is not doing herself any favors by worrying so much about guys choosing her friends over her.  The insecurity does shine through and when it comes to her guy friends asking her girlfriends out, it might not have anything to do with them being better looking or more successul and everything to do with confidence levels.

Trust me when I say that working to keep a guy interested is not worth it.  As hard as it is to let go, it is better.  If he's going to choose to date the model, he's going to do it no matter how hard the OP tries to keep them apart (and I understand she gave the contact).  If the model is interested in him, the OP not giving business contact isn't going to stop her from meeting him. 

This reminds me of a time many moons ago when I had an enormous crush on a guy friend of mine.  He flirted with me, we hung out alone (wouldn't call them dates), and I truly believed he was interested in me.  He told me how great I was and how he really admired my character and could fall in love with me if he let himself.  Then, he met my "hot" friend and just like that I was pushed to the side and he was all about her.  (In her defense, I have always been pretty secretive about my crushes, so she didn't know how I felt).  It hurt me more than anything to see them together and I did think that if I was thinner, wore my clothes differently, was more flirtatious, or whatever, that he would have wanted me.  And that was probably true...but that wouldn't have been me.  I regreted introducing them.  I got mad at her.  But the truth was, this guy wasn't worth the trouble.  When they broke up a few months later, he came back to me.  He said he learned his lesson and wanted to be with a "good" person like me.  But it was too little, too late. I basically told him that it was a great lesson to learn and he should apply it the next good person he meets.  If I started dating him I'd always worry that he'd dump me for the next prettier girl...and that didn't sound like a good time to me.

When I met my now DH, it was totally different.  My best friend introduced us at a party.  At that same party was my other, size 0, model looking friend.  I was used to the guys always liking her and when DH approached us both at the same time, I assumed it was her he wanted to talk to.  But that wasn't the case.  He has always been interested in me...the whole part of me.  Looks, personality, everything.  And I've never once felt threatened by another woman, no matter how awesome she is.  Because I'm confident in his love for me.   We've been married for a long time...have had our ups and downs, but that confidence has always been steadfast.

I know it's hard.  I know it hurts.  But if this photographer guy would really drop you for your model friend, then he's not worth dating.  And if your model friend would purposely pursue him, right under your nose, then she's not your friend.  If they get together, then take it as a lessoned learned that neither of them are your friends.

That being said, are you and the photographer really pursuing something?  If you really think that he'll hook up with this girl, is there a slight possibility that you are way more invested in the time you spent together than he is.  Is it possible that he isn't yet committed to you in the same way you are to him?
Title: Re: Do you play Match Maker? Update OP
Post by: Visiting Crazy Town on August 31, 2011, 06:18:46 PM
Mscutebelle I'm not trying to be funny but reading over this thread agin I notice that you stated earlier that he has never asked you out but you later state that you have been out on dates together did you ask him out