Etiquette Hell

Forum Administration => Forum Announcements => Topic started by: LadyPekoe on October 12, 2011, 02:35:15 PM

Title: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: LadyPekoe on October 12, 2011, 02:35:15 PM
It's constantly brought up that certain points are "not the point of the folder".  So what is?  Because, frankly, I think that sometimes a little bluntness is required when somebody either seems to be making something up or causing a lot of their own problems (and seem totally not self-aware about it).


Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
Post by: rashea on October 12, 2011, 02:42:38 PM
I tend to see it as a place where you can get a hug or get some gentle advice. I do tend to be softer in this folder than any other, even if I'm giving a kick in the pants. I think if I'm not willing to do that, I just move on. If everyone did that, I suspect some threads would just be ignored.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
Post by: PeasNCues on October 12, 2011, 02:43:25 PM
I think sometimes that it can become difficult with repeat offenders, if you know what I mean. Or, when people are essentially causing their own issues without taking any of the blame for it.

In other words, I don't think people should come here looking for sympathy and vindication. I think they should get sympathetic constructive criticism or even sympathetic clue by fours applied with as a emotive a touch as possible  :)
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
Post by: rashea on October 12, 2011, 02:44:42 PM
And if it's in this folder, when I get to that point with someone, I tend to just put them on mental ignore. It's not worth the drama to me, but your mileage may vary.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
Post by: penelope2017 on October 12, 2011, 02:46:24 PM
I view the purpose of this folder as support. A place I would go if I needed a friend.

Sometimes, the words from a friend, and support, are not all patting on the back and telling you what you want to hear. So I don't think the purpose of this folder is to entirely agree with every poster and validate their source of needing hugs. Sometimes support means bluntly telling htem the truth, especially when the same issue keeps coming up.

In other words, I look at this folder as a place to seek friendship and be a friend. That's what I'm trying to do.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
Post by: PeasNCues on October 12, 2011, 02:49:58 PM
And if it's in this folder, when I get to that point with someone, I tend to just put them on mental ignore. It's not worth the drama to me, but your mileage may vary.

True, I think it's a mix of people getting fed up and people really trying to be helpful (because, "there, there you poor dear" can only go so far in helping someone who is repeatedly making the same errors).

And, yes, some people like the drama.  ;)

But I don't think people should come here and expect it to be critic-free just because of the folder name. If you need a hug because of your own actions, I think posters should be able to call you on that, while offering sympathy.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
Post by: SiotehCat on October 12, 2011, 02:50:24 PM
I view the purpose of this folder as support. A place I would go if I needed a friend.

Sometimes, the words from a friend, and support, are not all patting on the back and telling you what you want to hear. So I don't think the purpose of this folder is to entirely agree with every poster and validate their source of needing hugs. Sometimes support means bluntly telling htem the truth, especially when the same issue keeps coming up.

In other words, I look at this folder as a place to seek friendship and be a friend. That's what I'm trying to do.

This is what I think also.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
Post by: bah12 on October 12, 2011, 02:53:09 PM
For me, the purpose of this folder is for people to post problems/news that are upsetting to them and where they aren't necessarily looking for anything more than some friendly support.

If I feel that someone is causing their own trouble and need a kick in the pants, I try to be gentle in giving that advice here...like I would if I was trying to help a friend..  I feel that sometimes people know that their feelings aren't justified or they helped cause their situation and just want some sympathy without judgement.
Some people are a bit too needy in that department, so when they post here, I ignore them.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
Post by: LadyPekoe on October 12, 2011, 03:15:24 PM
I'm not particularly gentle with my friends, though.

Let's say my friend is losing business at her small business BUT she's only been working at it 8-10 hours a week recently because she's pregnant when she used to work 40-60 hours a week.  And she doesn't seem to see the connection.

First time complaining--I'm sympathetic

Second time complaining--I'm less sympathetic

Third time complaining--I point out that it probably has something to do with the decreased focus she is paying to her small business. 

Or, using myself:

I complain about my allergies in this folder.  But sometimes it's because I ate food I'm allergic to, knowingly.  I can't blame people who mention that is stupid, because it certainly is. 

When you cause your own problems and admit?  TOTALLY sympathetic, we are all idiots sometimes.  When you seem to be causing your own problems but blaming everything else?  I would point that out to a friend.  So if we are really treating people like friends here...
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
Post by: MrsJWine on October 12, 2011, 03:24:14 PM
I don't think it's a terrible thing to offer suggestions when it seems that recurring problems are self-inflicted. But if the person refuses to listen or see their own role in the issue, I think the thing to do is to take it to PM or ignore.

I'm torn sometimes, though. I've been here for a few years, so I've noticed a few posters have habits and ways of thinking that keep getting them into bad situations over and over again. But if I didn't know that, and I came here as an outsider or newbie and saw a dogpile in the hugs folder, it might make me apprehensive of continuing here.

On the other hand, it's very frustrating to see newer people getting caught up in someone's sad saga and investing emotional energy in someone who will likely be back in the same position in two weeks. I try not to get too invested in people on the Internet myself (groups as a whole; I've formed pretty strong friendships with individuals), but it's hard to be any kind of community without some level of trust and support. I think repeat offenders damage that (compassion fatigue), but I also think jumping on people without some explanation or gentleness--even if you feel it's not warranted--makes for a hostile environment from a newbie's perspective.

I hope that all makes sense. It was a jumble in my head, and it seems only slightly less jumbled now.

ETA: By "gentleness," I don't mean "coddling." I mean speaking hard truths while aiming for a kind tone and some diplomacy.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
Post by: jimithing on October 12, 2011, 03:26:34 PM
LP, I was just about to start a thread about this very issue in the Forum Announcements. I agree with penelope's assessment. This isn't the "I Need a Hug Without Any Questions Or Advice Given" folder.

And I think that often when posters aren't looking for anything but validation, it could be seen as a vent or rant, which is against the rules, or they post here in order to circumvent the other aspects of other parts of the board. .
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
Post by: Just Lori on October 12, 2011, 03:28:40 PM
One of my good friends will sometimes say, "You know that I love you and I support you 100 percent.  But I also think you need to consider ...."

I think that's a good way to approach people in this thread.  Validate their feelings, give them a cyber hug, and gently ask them to consider looking at possible solutions.

I think it's human nature to want to help people get past what's hurting them.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
Post by: SiotehCat on October 12, 2011, 03:28:50 PM
Maybe this should be moved to the Forum Announcements section? I think more people would see it there.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
Post by: Ms_Cellany on October 12, 2011, 03:32:13 PM
One of my good friends will sometimes say, "You know that I love you and I support you 100 percent.  But I also think you need to consider ...."


The Sweetie has taught me by example that it's gentler to use "I love you, and" instead of "I love you, but:"

One of my good friends will sometimes say, "You know that I love you and I support you 100 percent.  And I also think you need to consider ...."

Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
Post by: jimithing on October 12, 2011, 03:36:38 PM
One of my good friends will sometimes say, "You know that I love you and I support you 100 percent.  But I also think you need to consider ...."


The Sweetie has taught me by example that it's gentler to use "I love you, and" instead of "I love you, but:"

One of my good friends will sometimes say, "You know that I love you and I support you 100 percent.  And I also think you need to consider ...."

This is something we learned in Social Work 101. The "but" generally will negate the nice statement before it, no matter how kind it is.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
Post by: DuBois on October 12, 2011, 03:55:03 PM


I don't think people should be too harsh in this folder, personally. I sometimes think people can be a little harsh on the OP, in the main folder. There certainly isn't a place for that here.(IMO) I think if people are using it incorrectly to vent, it is better to report than try to wrangle with them. I realise I'm in the minority here, somewhat, but while constuctive advice is good, I think people should check themselves more than in the main folders. 
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
Post by: leafeater on October 12, 2011, 03:55:30 PM
One of my good friends will sometimes say, "You know that I love you and I support you 100 percent.  But I also think you need to consider ...."


The Sweetie has taught me by example that it's gentler to use "I love you, and" instead of "I love you, but:"

One of my good friends will sometimes say, "You know that I love you and I support you 100 percent.  And I also think you need to consider ...."

This is awesome and I'm going to start doing it in real life.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
Post by: LadyPekoe on October 12, 2011, 04:10:08 PM
Maybe this should be moved to the Forum Announcements section? I think more people would see it there.

Thanks, SC!  That actually made a lot more sense.  I don't think I'm great at categorizing my posts, sometimes :)
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder? (I Need a Hug)
Post by: Ms_Cellany on October 12, 2011, 04:12:20 PM
One of my good friends will sometimes say, "You know that I love you and I support you 100 percent.  But I also think you need to consider ...."


The Sweetie has taught me by example that it's gentler to use "I love you, and" instead of "I love you, but:"

One of my good friends will sometimes say, "You know that I love you and I support you 100 percent.  And I also think you need to consider ...."

This is awesome and I'm going to start doing it in real life.

"I love you, and would you do the dishes when it's your night?"
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder? (I Need a Hug)
Post by: Lynn2000 on October 12, 2011, 04:16:38 PM
I don't read the "I need a hug" folder too much. My impression was that it would contain a lot of drama, and/or genuinely sad, upsetting things happening to people... illness, losing a job, that kind of thing. I figured the OPs weren't really asking for opinions so much as sympathy, and maybe sympathetic advice like, "This happened to me last year. Here's how I dealt with it. Maybe this will help you."

These impressions of mine (which may be erroneous) led me to be surprised when I started hearing about people being too harsh on OPs in the Hugs folder. I didn't imagine people there were using the same "voice" as they used in the etiquette folders, where they might say, "I think X that you did was wrong for these reasons. Next time I think you should..." I think in the etiquette folders it ought to be understood that the tide of opinion may turn against the OP and call their actions rude; but I imagined that in the Hugs folder that really didn't happen much.

I guess I kind of figured it was the place where you said nice things or said nothing at all, you know? And since I'm not so good at NOT pointing out when people seem to be making their own problems, I figured my input would not be in keeping with the spirit of the folder.

That's just my impressions of the Hugs folder, which may be worth very little since I don't frequent it. Obviously I have no idea if this is the way it "ought" to be or not, I'm just saying what I had imagined of it. :)
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder? (I Need a Hug)
Post by: One Goat to Rule Them All on October 12, 2011, 04:21:30 PM
 It's one thing to hear some hard truths from a close friend, who knows and loves you. It's another thing when it comes from someone you don't really know. We are essentially strangers here, and if the hard truths don't come hand in hand with years of love and friendship it can just seem mean.

I've seen posts in the hug folder that manage to effectively combine care, concern, and constructive criticism. I've also seen posts that leave out the care and concern, and just leave the criticism. There is a line there, and it does get crossed sometimes.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder? (I Need a Hug)
Post by: jimithing on October 12, 2011, 04:30:54 PM
It's one thing to hear some hard truths from a close friend, who knows and loves you. It's another thing when it comes from someone you don't really know. We are essentially strangers here, and if the hard truths don't come hand in hand with years of love and friendship it can just seem mean.

I've seen posts in the hug folder that manage to effectively combine care, concern, and constructive criticism. I've also seen posts that leave out the care and concern, and just leave the criticism. There is a line there, and it does get crossed sometimes.

I know I tend to much more unsympathetic towards posters who might be taking advantage of the INAH folder. I am thinking of one poster, who I think has been banned now, who was constantly posting about problems in her life, which continued to be the same kind of problems, with just all different people. And she couldn't admit that perhaps that some her of behaviors were contributing to her problems.

When a poster like that posts in the INAH folder over and over again, I feel like they are playing on people's good nature and milking the board for something we are not. We are a supportive board, but we aren't a support board, if that makes sense.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder? (I Need a Hug)
Post by: LadyL on October 12, 2011, 04:38:34 PM
It's one thing to hear some hard truths from a close friend, who knows and loves you. It's another thing when it comes from someone you don't really know. We are essentially strangers here, and if the hard truths don't come hand in hand with years of love and friendship it can just seem mean.

I've seen posts in the hug folder that manage to effectively combine care, concern, and constructive criticism. I've also seen posts that leave out the care and concern, and just leave the criticism. There is a line there, and it does get crossed sometimes.

I know I tend to much more unsympathetic towards posters who might be taking advantage of the INAH folder. I am thinking of one poster, who I think has been banned now, who was constantly posting about problems in her life, which continued to be the same kind of problems, with just all different people. And she couldn't admit that perhaps that some her of behaviors were contributing to her problems.

When a poster like that posts in the INAH folder over and over again, I feel like they are playing on people's good nature and milking the board for something we are not. We are a supportive board, but we aren't a support board, if that makes sense.

I wonder if there could be a policy where offenders like you described were reported and put on some sort of "Hugs folder time out" where they couldn't post for, say, a week. Similar to how some threads are locked and the mods suggest the OP get counseling/legal advice/etc. because their problems go beyond the scope of the board.

One thing that I do not think the folder should be for is any sort of group counseling type environment. When someone posts the same things over and over it's hard for it to not turn into that.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder? (I Need a Hug)
Post by: Scritzy on October 12, 2011, 05:11:29 PM
I agree with jimithing to a point. I have seen several people list the same problems every time in a very dramatic way. As far as I know, the ones of whom I'm thinking aren't around anymore. But I haven't been unsympathetic, unless you count my not posting in the threads at all as unsympathetic.

Believe me, I have enough drama in my life right now to be posting three times a day, every day, but I don't want to be a drama queen. If it's something catastrophic, you will know about it; otherwise I don't feel like emptying my whineybucket all over the forum. 

Edited to change a word.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
Post by: Surianne on October 12, 2011, 05:38:58 PM


I don't think people should be too harsh in this folder, personally. I sometimes think people can be a little harsh on the OP, in the main folder. There certainly isn't a place for that here.(IMO) I think if people are using it incorrectly to vent, it is better to report than try to wrangle with them. I realise I'm in the minority here, somewhat, but while constuctive advice is good, I think people should check themselves more than in the main folders.

This is how I see it too.  I think part of it for me is that I personally am a pretty blunt poster at times, so I like to be extra careful not to take that into the Hugs forum.  A post that to me seems just rational and factual can come across to someone else as too much, so better safe than sorry in a forum where people are already emotionally raw. 

I can understand the need to gently call someone on repeated behaviour, but I leave that to posters who are better at that, and I just ignore the threads where I think the OP is being overly dramatic.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder? (I Need a Hug)
Post by: Aeris on October 12, 2011, 06:02:35 PM
<snip>
I've seen posts in the hug folder that manage to effectively combine care, concern, and constructive criticism. I've also seen posts that leave out the care and concern, and just leave the criticism. There is a line there, and it does get crossed sometimes.

I agree with this. I don't think every post needs to be validating, hand-holding and devoid of constructive criticism and advice. But there are a number of ways the exact.same advice can be proffered.

There may well be need for some gentle advice and criticism, but there's no need to be *harsh*, or mean, and I have definitely seen some posts in INAH that are both.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: guihong on October 12, 2011, 06:22:39 PM
I see the INAH as two types of posts:

1. Events that are out of our control-death, severe illness, natural disasters.

2. Events and situations in which we have choices to some extent-jobs, kids, relatives, sometimes our health.

If I'm responding to a #1, of course I send my condolences, because really, what else is there to do?

Occasionally, in a #2, I might say "I send my thoughts, and have you considered x, y and z in this situation?

As for me, in any post, if I'm not seeing something or thinking clearly, I want someone to say "Gui, you're not helping yourself here; have you thought of doing a, b or c".
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: Two Ravens on October 12, 2011, 06:26:17 PM
I think most people start out being gentle and considerate, and have the best of intentions.   Honestly though, it does get hard when lots of people write in with good or helpful suggestions, and the OP replies to each one of them with why that won't work, or why the people offering advice are wrong.  That kind of posting style can wear out some people's patience and compassion pretty quickly.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: MacadamiaNut on October 12, 2011, 07:53:47 PM
Newbie here, and as such I can't offer much experience with this folder but I can offer what *I* originally thought it was for if it helps any.  My impression was that this folder was *not* for getting advice, like NONE, NADA, ZILCH.  It was an off-topic folder that one can go to if all they needed was to vent.  The term "I need a hug", I took as literally singular.  So if I went in there, just to get my feelings out, I would think many people might read my post but I would not expect more than one hug.  Once I got that, I'd be good because the whole point was for me to get my feelings out.  A bunch of people I don't know giving me virtual hugs with no other words attached isn't going to help (speaking just for myself here and note that I now get the impression many people here are friends - but for purposes of this post, just sticking to what my *original* thoughts were). 

What I did think might be helpful in that folder is if others share their own experience and perhaps sympathize or provide some words of encouragement, so the poster does not feel alone or feel like they are the only ones who have ever been through XYZ.  I also didn't think it was only for sad situations where one might need a hug.  For example, I thought it may be a place to go and even vent anger about something if that's what OP needed.

Now... I *have* viewed some posts in there since joining (and I have replied on one or two) but I have noticed that the *hugs* replies are just that one word:  "Hugs" in some format or another and there are multiple of them.  Which is nice but how many are needed?... is what I wonder.

Now... I'm actually just confused by the folder too, which is my motivation for joining this thread.  I guess I need to learn more about it before I go sauntering over there again!  In closing, I'd like to say, thanks very much LadyPekoe, for starting this thread!   :)
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder? (I Need a Hug)
Post by: kareng57 on October 12, 2011, 08:28:44 PM
It's one thing to hear some hard truths from a close friend, who knows and loves you. It's another thing when it comes from someone you don't really know. We are essentially strangers here, and if the hard truths don't come hand in hand with years of love and friendship it can just seem mean.

I've seen posts in the hug folder that manage to effectively combine care, concern, and constructive criticism. I've also seen posts that leave out the care and concern, and just leave the criticism. There is a line there, and it does get crossed sometimes.

I know I tend to much more unsympathetic towards posters who might be taking advantage of the INAH folder. I am thinking of one poster, who I think has been banned now, who was constantly posting about problems in her life, which continued to be the same kind of problems, with just all different people. And she couldn't admit that perhaps that some her of behaviors were contributing to her problems.

When a poster like that posts in the INAH folder over and over again, I feel like they are playing on people's good nature and milking the board for something we are not. We are a supportive board, but we aren't a support board, if that makes sense.

I wonder if there could be a policy where offenders like you described were reported and put on some sort of "Hugs folder time out" where they couldn't post for, say, a week. Similar to how some threads are locked and the mods suggest the OP get counseling/legal advice/etc. because their problems go beyond the scope of the board.

One thing that I do not think the folder should be for is any sort of group counseling type environment. When someone posts the same things over and over it's hard for it to not turn into that.


That could be an idea, but I don't know whether the mods can instantly identify the same-old, same-old threads in the INAH folder.  Even if they could - for example if someone reported them - it probably wouldn't win them many popularity points (not that that's why they're here, of course).  There are always a lot of new members on this forum who might not recognise the history of a chronic-INAH poster and could conclude "how mean!"
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: LiveLoveLearn on October 13, 2011, 09:10:03 AM
I usually just offer support, and I'm very selective about who/what I offer, although I do usually read everything.  However, in a recent thread, I couldn't sit by and listen to the poster without saying something, because I've had the attitude she does and it did not get me any results.  It's not getting her results - this was not the first post about that exact scenerio.  I felt in this situation that constructive criticism was due.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: HorseFreak on October 13, 2011, 11:32:01 AM
I try not to be critical in that folder if I post at all, but as others have mentioned some situations do need a gentle push in the right direction.

For the serial "woe is me!" posters, I read their posts, shake my head and move on. Most of the really dramatic ones have left or been banned, but there are a few who have more issues than Time magazine and seem to find that folder to be THE place for head pats and a never-ending chorus of, "Don't be down- you're awesome!" instead of seeking professional help. I sometimes I feel like a few people use EHell to enable them and that's not right.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: HermioneGranger on October 13, 2011, 12:40:04 PM
I try not to be critical in that folder if I post at all, but as others have mentioned some situations do need a gentle push in the right direction.

For the serial "woe is me!" posters, I read their posts, shake my head and move on. Most of the really dramatic ones have left or been banned, but there are a few who have more issues than Time magazine and seem to find that folder to be THE place for head pats and a never-ending chorus of, "Don't be down- you're awesome!" instead of seeking professional help. I sometimes I feel like a few people use EHell to enable them and that's not right.

1.  I'm going to steal that quote.  2.  I agree with your post, totally. 
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: MacadamiaNut on October 13, 2011, 12:54:09 PM
I try not to be critical in that folder if I post at all, but as others have mentioned some situations do need a gentle push in the right direction.

For the serial "woe is me!" posters, I read their posts, shake my head and move on. Most of the really dramatic ones have left or been banned, but there are a few who have more issues than Time magazine and seem to find that folder to be THE place for head pats and a never-ending chorus of, "Don't be down- you're awesome!" instead of seeking professional help. I sometimes I feel like a few people use EHell to enable them and that's not right.

1.  I'm going to steal that quote.  2.  I agree with your post, totally.

Ditto re: the quote!  LOVE it!!   :)
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
Post by: kingsrings on October 13, 2011, 01:02:51 PM


I don't think people should be too harsh in this folder, personally. I sometimes think people can be a little harsh on the OP, in the main folder. There certainly isn't a place for that here.(IMO) I think if people are using it incorrectly to vent, it is better to report than try to wrangle with them. I realise I'm in the minority here, somewhat, but while constuctive advice is good, I think people should check themselves more than in the main folders.

I agree with this. Too often, Iíve seen that folder seem more like ďIím gonna give you a kick in the pantsĒ than what itís titled. I know Iíve experienced that firsthand in the past as well! Some posters seem to be taking it as some twisted oppty. to kick someone when theyíre down rather than to give a hug. If youíre going to give criticism, make sure itís constructive and gentle, and focused solely on the problem at hand, not anything else. 
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: DuBois on October 13, 2011, 01:47:31 PM


I see that E-hell Dame has weighed in on a thread currently on INAH. She is of the opinion that too many people use the folder for trivial matters. I'm afraid that I have certainly been guilty of that in the past. That said, there is nothing in the rules that says that the folder is only for major events, so if that is a rule, I think it needs to be made clear.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: Solanna Dryden on October 13, 2011, 01:52:31 PM
I actually love getting constructive criticism in I Need a Hug. It makes me feel good that people are thinking my situation over, and taking time out of their day to come up with possible solutions for me. I shows me that they really do care, enough to want to make the situation better, and by extension, make me feel better.

That's my take on it, anyway.

Edited: I actually hate EHellDame's assertion that people are using the folder for matters that are too trivial. That just seems unnecessarily cruel. Yes, having a bad day is not on the same magnitude as a pet or loved on dying, or losing a job, etc. But you know what? Sometimes having a bad day feels like your whole world is ending. I've been there, I'm sure we all have. Sometimes, you just need someone there to hear you out, and affirm that yes, it sucks right now, but tomorrow will be better. Or give you some advice to dig yourself out of the hole your in; to break your tunnel vision, you know what I mean? To have someone come in and say that your bad day is too trivial, that jut seems really mean. It reminds me of those people who say, "How dare you complain about a paper cut, there's people out there who have no arms!"
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
Post by: Ligeia on October 13, 2011, 01:54:19 PM


I don't think people should be too harsh in this folder, personally. I sometimes think people can be a little harsh on the OP, in the main folder. There certainly isn't a place for that here.(IMO) I think if people are using it incorrectly to vent, it is better to report than try to wrangle with them. I realise I'm in the minority here, somewhat, but while constuctive advice is good, I think people should check themselves more than in the main folders.

I agree with this. Too often, Iíve seen that folder seem more like ďIím gonna give you a kick in the pantsĒ than what itís titled. I know Iíve experienced that firsthand in the past as well! Some posters seem to be taking it as some twisted oppty. to kick someone when theyíre down rather than to give a hug. If youíre going to give criticism, make sure itís constructive and gentle, and focused solely on the problem at hand, not anything else.

I really haven't seen that at all; I think when people provide constructive criticism in that folder, they really are trying to be, well, constructive.  In a recent INAH thread, the OP had a problem that seemed quite easily solvable--so by presenting solutions to her, the other posters thought they were helping her out of the situation for which she wanted hugs.  When the OP responded that she only wanted sympathy, not solutions, of course other posters had trouble giving that to her: it's really hard to feel sorry for someone who seems unwilling to help themselves.  I didn't see anyone getting snippy or crossing any boundaries.

I haven't been here in a while, but what I've gleaned from all the locked and deleted threads is that the board seems to be divided into two camps: those who feel they should be able to call out rudeness/ridiculousness/trolling in other posters, and those who feel any sort of calling out is rude and mean.  I'm firmly in the former camp: I really think it's pointless to pretend posters are perfectly justified in everything they say and do when they're clearly not.  But I also think it's very important that those who question posters or ask them to look at themselves do so in a polite way.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
Post by: Yvaine on October 13, 2011, 02:02:59 PM


I don't think people should be too harsh in this folder, personally. I sometimes think people can be a little harsh on the OP, in the main folder. There certainly isn't a place for that here.(IMO) I think if people are using it incorrectly to vent, it is better to report than try to wrangle with them. I realise I'm in the minority here, somewhat, but while constuctive advice is good, I think people should check themselves more than in the main folders.

I agree with this. Too often, Iíve seen that folder seem more like ďIím gonna give you a kick in the pantsĒ than what itís titled. I know Iíve experienced that firsthand in the past as well! Some posters seem to be taking it as some twisted oppty. to kick someone when theyíre down rather than to give a hug. If youíre going to give criticism, make sure itís constructive and gentle, and focused solely on the problem at hand, not anything else.

I really haven't seen that at all; I think when people provide constructive criticism in that thread, they really are trying to be, well, constructive.  In a recent INAH thread, the OP had a problem that seemed quite easily solvable--so by presenting solutions to her, the other posters thought they were helping her out of the situation for which she wanted hugs.  When the OP responded that she only wanted sympathy, not solutions, of course other posters had trouble giving that to her: it's really hard to feel sorry for someone who seems unwilling to help themselves.  I didn't see anyone getting snippy or crossing any boundaries.

I haven't been here in a while, but what I've gleaned from all the locked and deleted threads is that the board seems to be divided into two camps: those who feel they should be able to call out rudeness/ridiculousness/trolling in other posters, and those who feel any sort of calling out is rude and mean.  I'm firmly in the former camp: I really think it's pointless to pretend posters are perfectly justified in everything they say and do when they're clearly not.  But I also think it's very important that those who question posters or ask them to look at themselves do so in a polite way.

I have seen INAH threads get critical and off topic, though. One that comes to mind involved a woman whose doctor was rude about her weight, and it spiraled down into lectures about how it's bad to be overweight. When, really, the issue wasn't even that the doctor brought it up in a health-related context but that the doctor was vicious and cruel (and also unhelpful) and the poster just needed some dingdangity hugs.

(I think this is why I've seen a lot of weight-related posts with disclaimers like "BG: I'm overweight. I know it and I'm trying to change it. I don't want this to turn into another thread about how bad it is.")
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
Post by: DuBois on October 13, 2011, 02:08:02 PM


I don't think people should be too harsh in this folder, personally. I sometimes think people can be a little harsh on the OP, in the main folder. There certainly isn't a place for that here.(IMO) I think if people are using it incorrectly to vent, it is better to report than try to wrangle with them. I realise I'm in the minority here, somewhat, but while constuctive advice is good, I think people should check themselves more than in the main folders.

I agree with this. Too often, Iíve seen that folder seem more like ďIím gonna give you a kick in the pantsĒ than what itís titled. I know Iíve experienced that firsthand in the past as well! Some posters seem to be taking it as some twisted oppty. to kick someone when theyíre down rather than to give a hug. If youíre going to give criticism, make sure itís constructive and gentle, and focused solely on the problem at hand, not anything else.

I really haven't seen that at all; I think when people provide constructive criticism in that thread, they really are trying to be, well, constructive.  In a recent INAH thread, the OP had a problem that seemed quite easily solvable--so by presenting solutions to her, the other posters thought they were helping her out of the situation for which she wanted hugs.  When the OP responded that she only wanted sympathy, not solutions, of course other posters had trouble giving that to her: it's really hard to feel sorry for someone who seems unwilling to help themselves.  I didn't see anyone getting snippy or crossing any boundaries.

I haven't been here in a while, but what I've gleaned from all the locked and deleted threads is that the board seems to be divided into two camps: those who feel they should be able to call out rudeness/ridiculousness/trolling in other posters, and those who feel any sort of calling out is rude and mean.  I'm firmly in the former camp: I really think it's pointless to pretend posters are perfectly justified in everything they say and do when they're clearly not.  But I also think it's very important that those who question posters or ask them to look at themselves do so in a polite way.

I have seen INAH threads get critical and off topic, though. One that comes to mind involved a woman whose doctor was rude about her weight, and it spiraled down into lectures about how it's bad to be overweight. When, really, the issue wasn't even that the doctor brought it up in a health-related context but that the doctor was vicious and cruel (and also unhelpful) and the poster just needed some dingdangity hugs.

(I think this is why I've seen a lot of weight-related posts with disclaimers like "BG: I'm overweight. I know it and I'm trying to change it. I don't want this to turn into another thread about how bad it is.")

Unfortunately, I think that there is a lot of anti-fat feeling on e-hell, which saddens and annoys me. I wince when I see the kinds of things you describe, there is enough body shaming all over the internet as it is.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: Ligeia on October 13, 2011, 02:35:27 PM
Unfortunately, I think that there is a lot of anti-fat feeling on e-hell, which saddens and annoys me. I wince when I see the kinds of things you describe, there is enough body shaming all over the internet as it is.

I guess I don't read the board often enough, because I've honestly never seen any body shaming here.  It seems to me that many posters have posted about weight issues, and I've really only seen support given in response.  I'm not arguing with you guys, just saying that I'm surprised that people perceive "anti-fat feeling" here, simply because I haven't come across it.

In one of my earliest posts, I disagreed when someone basically said that healthy eating and exercise don't really lead to weight loss.  She didn't say they don't work for her; she implied they don't really work in general.  Wow, did I get lectured for saying that, barring health or metabolic issues, I thought healthy eating/exercise worked for most people.  I wasn't judging, nor did I think what I said was controversial in any possible way--yet many posters jumped all over me.  I was blindsided.  Is what I said the kind of thing that's considered "anti-fat feeling"?  I guess if there have been a lot of body shaming posts around here, the reaction makes more sense now--but seriously, that wasn't what I was doing in any conceivable way.  (Of course, this is OT, since I know that post was not in INAH.)
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: kingsrings on October 13, 2011, 02:39:50 PM
I actually love getting constructive criticism in I Need a Hug. It makes me feel good that people are thinking my situation over, and taking time out of their day to come up with possible solutions for me. I shows me that they really do care, enough to want to make the situation better, and by extension, make me feel better.

That's my take on it, anyway.

Edited: I actually hate EHellDame's assertion that people are using the folder for matters that are too trivial. That just seems unnecessarily cruel. Yes, having a bad day is not on the same magnitude as a pet or loved on dying, or losing a job, etc. But you know what? Sometimes having a bad day feels like your whole world is ending. I've been there, I'm sure we all have. Sometimes, you just need someone there to hear you out, and affirm that yes, it sucks right now, but tomorrow will be better. Or give you some advice to dig yourself out of the hole your in; to break your tunnel vision, you know what I mean? To have someone come in and say that your bad day is too trivial, that jut seems really mean. It reminds me of those people who say, "How dare you complain about a paper cut, there's people out there who have no arms!"

ITA completely. And what is a major crisis or not is in the eye of the beholder, so I don't see the point of this unkind judgement to begin with. If it's going to be that way, then why not put up a list of rules outlining the types of crisises allowed then?? 
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: Yvaine on October 13, 2011, 02:44:38 PM
Unfortunately, I think that there is a lot of anti-fat feeling on e-hell, which saddens and annoys me. I wince when I see the kinds of things you describe, there is enough body shaming all over the internet as it is.

I guess I don't read the board often enough, because I've honestly never seen any body shaming here.  It seems to me that many posters have posted about weight issues, and I've really only seen support given in response.  I'm not arguing with you guys, just saying that I'm surprised that people perceive "anti-fat feeling" here, simply because I haven't come across it.

In one of my earliest posts, I disagreed when someone basically said that healthy eating and exercise don't really lead to weight loss.  She didn't say they don't work for her; she implied they don't really work in general.  Wow, did I get lectured for saying that, barring health or metabolic issues, I thought healthy eating/exercise worked for most people.  I wasn't judging, nor did I think what I said was controversial in any possible way--yet many posters jumped all over me.  I was blindsided.  Is what I said the kind of thing that's considered "anti-fat feeling"?  I guess if there have been a lot of body shaming posts around here, the reaction makes more sense now--but seriously, that wasn't what I was doing in any conceivable way.  (Of course, this is OT, since I know that post was not in INAH.)

Well, I don't want to get into a debate about medicine or politics, as they could get us locked, but that poster's theory isn't a personal "for her" thing but is a tenet of the fat acceptance movement (or at least of a large contingent of it). It's the subject of a large and ongoing debate. Shapely Prose (though now on hiatus, their old posts remain extant) was a really good blog discussing the theory and many other issues surrounding weight.

The sense of an anti-fat feeling doesn't necessarily come from differing opinions on how weight loss works (a topic on which there's a new study every five minutes or so! lol) but from adding personal judgment to that. For example, there was a non-ehell blogger a while back who wrote a nasty, cruel screed about how everyone who hasn't lost weight is stupid, and there were ehellions who posted that they agreed with it. :(
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: DuBois on October 13, 2011, 02:45:55 PM
Unfortunately, I think that there is a lot of anti-fat feeling on e-hell, which saddens and annoys me. I wince when I see the kinds of things you describe, there is enough body shaming all over the internet as it is.

I guess I don't read the board often enough, because I've honestly never seen any body shaming here.  It seems to me that many posters have posted about weight issues, and I've really only seen support given in response.  I'm not arguing with you guys, just saying that I'm surprised that people perceive "anti-fat feeling" here, simply because I haven't come across it.

In one of my earliest posts, I disagreed when someone basically said that healthy eating and exercise don't really lead to weight loss.  She didn't say they don't work for her; she implied they don't really work in general.  Wow, did I get lectured for saying that, barring health or metabolic issues, I thought healthy eating/exercise worked for most people.  I wasn't judging, nor did I think what I said was controversial in any possible way--yet many posters jumped all over me.  I was blindsided.  Is what I said the kind of thing that's considered "anti-fat feeling"?  I guess if there have been a lot of body shaming posts around here, the reaction makes more sense now--but seriously, that wasn't what I was doing in any conceivable way.  (Of course, this is OT, since I know that post was not in INAH.)

I didn't see that post, so I couldn't say. But there was a phase when it seemed that every post where someone complained that fat people were ill treated was either derailed by how thin people were worse treated (I have been slightly overweight, and way underweight, life was definitely easier as the latter) or people were lectured about health and being responisble. It just seemed very condescending to me.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: DuBois on October 13, 2011, 02:48:49 PM
Unfortunately, I think that there is a lot of anti-fat feeling on e-hell, which saddens and annoys me. I wince when I see the kinds of things you describe, there is enough body shaming all over the internet as it is.

I guess I don't read the board often enough, because I've honestly never seen any body shaming here.  It seems to me that many posters have posted about weight issues, and I've really only seen support given in response.  I'm not arguing with you guys, just saying that I'm surprised that people perceive "anti-fat feeling" here, simply because I haven't come across it.

In one of my earliest posts, I disagreed when someone basically said that healthy eating and exercise don't really lead to weight loss.  She didn't say they don't work for her; she implied they don't really work in general.  Wow, did I get lectured for saying that, barring health or metabolic issues, I thought healthy eating/exercise worked for most people.  I wasn't judging, nor did I think what I said was controversial in any possible way--yet many posters jumped all over me.  I was blindsided.  Is what I said the kind of thing that's considered "anti-fat feeling"?  I guess if there have been a lot of body shaming posts around here, the reaction makes more sense now--but seriously, that wasn't what I was doing in any conceivable way.  (Of course, this is OT, since I know that post was not in INAH.)

Well, I don't want to get into a debate about medicine or politics, as they could get us locked, but that poster's theory isn't a personal "for her" thing but is a tenet of the fat acceptance movement (or at least of a large contingent of it). It's the subject of a large and ongoing debate. Shapely Prose (though now on hiatus, their old posts remain extant) was a really good blog discussing the theory and many other issues surrounding weight.

The sense of an anti-fat feeling doesn't necessarily come from differing opinions on how weight loss works (a topic on which there's a new study every five minutes or so! lol) but from adding personal judgment to that. For example, there was a non-ehell blogger a while back who wrote a nasty, cruel screed about how everyone who hasn't lost weight is stupid, and there were ehellions who posted that they agreed with it. :(

I remember that post! It made my blood boil (this was back when I was lurking). I have also read SP, and love it. And you know what? I don't even care what the facts are about weight loss. People need to just quit judging. And on that note, I drop the subject, because as you say, I don't want to get into health/politics.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: Yvaine on October 13, 2011, 02:54:14 PM
I remember that post! It made my blood boil (this was back when I was lurking). I have also read SP, and love it. And you know what? I don't even care what the facts are about weight loss. People need to just quit judging. And on that note, I drop the subject, because as you say, I don't want to get into health/politics.

Yeah, that's the important thing for an etiquette board--whatever the science or the politics, there's treating people politely and treating people rudely, and we can treat people with civility and basic human respect even if we don't think they're making wise decisions.

And sure, in all kinds of matters (not just health, but jobs as mentioned earlier, or parenting, or whatever), sometimes there is a place to advise people on their decisions. But civility should still apply. I mean, there's no etiquette police, so there's nothing stopping us all from going around randomly criticizing people, but that doesn't make it polite.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: lolane on October 13, 2011, 03:08:39 PM
I read EHellDame's post in one of the INAH threads and while I agree that it can be hard to determine if one person's bad day is just a trivial thing or whether they really need hugs, I agree with the content of her post for the most part.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: pierrotlunaire0 on October 13, 2011, 03:20:07 PM
I read EHellDame's post in one of the INAH threads and while I agree that it can be hard to determine if one person's bad day is just a trivial thing or whether they really need hugs, I agree with the content of her post for the most part.

I just went and read it myself, and I have to POD.  Anyone can have a bad day, and I don't mind the person who posts: "This is so silly, but it did bother me."  But when a poster has a bad day every week, or shoots down suggestions that would help, it does seem a little ?enabling?  I guess.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: PeasNCues on October 13, 2011, 03:23:45 PM
I hope the Dame doesn't mind if I repost this here:

Ladies,

Having received personal PMs about this thread, I will address some issues not only in regards to this thread but the entire folder.

First, I suggest many readers reacquaint themselves with the forum rules.   Is what you are posting productive?  Does it build up the forum/readers or does it tear it down?  Are you presuming more than you should or possibly reading more into what others have written than was intended?

Second, the Hugs folder has never had any defined "rules" as to the content but over the past three months I have been increasingly concerned and coming to several conclusions that there will be changes to this folder.   One main thing I noticed was that there are some individuals who frequent this folder far too much with what seems to be never ending tales of woe.  It's as if this folder has become an emotional crutch with a few people needing frequent ego stroking and validation.  That was never the intent of this folder.   

Another thing I've been noticing is that the requests for "hugs" has increasingly been for what I consider trivial matters.  Having a bad day or feeling cranky just does not rise to the level of someone losing a job, a pet's death, evictions, accidents, death, illnesses, etc.   

Third, if you post about a problem that has the potential to be resolved with some practical advice from others, I think you should expect to be the recipient of that advice with the caveat being that legal, medical, sexual advice is not allowed.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: RainhaDoTexugo on October 13, 2011, 03:30:56 PM
I read EHellDame's post in one of the INAH threads and while I agree that it can be hard to determine if one person's bad day is just a trivial thing or whether they really need hugs, I agree with the content of her post for the most part.

I just went and read it myself, and I have to POD.  Anyone can have a bad day, and I don't mind the person who posts: "This is so silly, but it did bother me."  But when a poster has a bad day every week, or shoots down suggestions that would help, it does seem a little ?enabling?  I guess.

I think, and I really don't have a particular post in mind, that there's occasionally a point where you look at a post in INAH and say to yourself "Really?  They couldn't just text a friend about that?"  I think that's what the Dame is referring to.  It does seem a bit odd to come to the internet and start an entire thread because you stubbed your toe, or couldn't make the lunch you'd planned because you forgot the oven needed to be cleaned and didn't want to smoke up the house, you know?  I have more sympathy for a post along the lines of "I'm having a really stressful time at work, I'm really bummed, and on top of it all, I couldn't make the lunch I'd planned.  It was just the last straw.  Can I have a few hugs?"  It's really not a bad idea to ask yourself "Is this something I need to tell the whole internet about?  Or can I just send a venty email to my best friend?" before posting.  I agree that it would be hard to actually moderate that kind of thing - there isn't always a clear line between serious problems and trivial problems.

I agree with the call for more specific guidelines in I Need a Hug, but it sounds like the Dame is working on that as we speak. 

I fully support bringing it up when people seem to be causing their own issues, but I do think it's important to be sensitive about it.  If nothing else, even if you don't think a poster deserves sugar coating, people respond better to sympathetic advice.  Nobody responds well to attacks.  If your goal is truly to help the person see your point of view and help herself, it just makes sense to present it in a more palatable way.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: kingsrings on October 13, 2011, 03:32:49 PM
I hope the Dame doesn't mind if I repost this here:

Ladies,

Having received personal PMs about this thread, I will address some issues not only in regards to this thread but the entire folder.

First, I suggest many readers reacquaint themselves with the forum rules.   Is what you are posting productive?  Does it build up the forum/readers or does it tear it down?  Are you presuming more than you should or possibly reading more into what others have written than was intended?

Second, the Hugs folder has never had any defined "rules" as to the content but over the past three months I have been increasingly concerned and coming to several conclusions that there will be changes to this folder.   One main thing I noticed was that there are some individuals who frequent this folder far too much with what seems to be never ending tales of woe.  It's as if this folder has become an emotional crutch with a few people needing frequent ego stroking and validation.  That was never the intent of this folder.   

Another thing I've been noticing is that the requests for "hugs" has increasingly been for what I consider trivial matters.  Having a bad day or feeling cranky just does not rise to the level of someone losing a job, a pet's death, evictions, accidents, death, illnesses, etc.   

Third, if you post about a problem that has the potential to be resolved with some practical advice from others, I think you should expect to be the recipient of that advice with the caveat being that legal, medical, sexual advice is not allowed.

Disagree with the bolded. I do believe those are huggable matters. Let's not get into the habit of comparing, measuring, and weighing each other's problems on that regard.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: DuBois on October 13, 2011, 03:35:31 PM
I read EHellDame's post in one of the INAH threads and while I agree that it can be hard to determine if one person's bad day is just a trivial thing or whether they really need hugs, I agree with the content of her post for the most part.

I just went and read it myself, and I have to POD.  Anyone can have a bad day, and I don't mind the person who posts: "This is so silly, but it did bother me."  But when a poster has a bad day every week, or shoots down suggestions that would help, it does seem a little ?enabling?  I guess.

I think, and I really don't have a particular post in mind, that there's occasionally a point where you look at a post in INAH and say to yourself "Really?  They couldn't just text a friend about that?"  I think that's what the Dame is referring to.  It does seem a bit odd to come to the internet and start an entire thread because you stubbed your toe, or couldn't make the lunch you'd planned because you forgot the oven needed to be cleaned and didn't want to smoke up the house, you know?  I have more sympathy for a post along the lines of "I'm having a really stressful time at work, I'm really bummed, and on top of it all, I couldn't make the lunch I'd planned.  It was just the last straw.  Can I have a few hugs?"  It's really not a bad idea to ask yourself "Is this something I need to tell the whole internet about?  Or can I just send a venty email to my best friend?" before posting.  I agree that it would be hard to actually moderate that kind of thing - there isn't always a clear line between serious problems and trivial problems.

I agree with the call for more specific guidelines in I Need a Hug, but it sounds like the Dame is working on that as we speak. 

I fully support bringing it up when people seem to be causing their own issues, but I do think it's important to be sensitive about it.  If nothing else, even if you don't think a poster deserves sugar coating, people respond better to sympathetic advice.  Nobody responds well to attacks.  If your goal is truly to help the person see your point of view and help herself, it just makes sense to present it in a more palatable way.

I think that the bolded is very, very important. You are right that people don't respond well to being challenged. I remember one thread where I was OP, where some people lined up to tell me how wrong I was (this wasn't INAH, to be clear.) Not surprisingly, I wasn't altogether receptive to this-I didn't mind another perspective, but to be flat out told I was wrong was galling, to say the least. I think that goes doubly for INAH.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: LadyL on October 13, 2011, 03:40:07 PM

Another thing I've been noticing is that the requests for "hugs" has increasingly been for what I consider trivial matters.  Having a bad day or feeling cranky just does not rise to the level of someone losing a job, a pet's death, evictions, accidents, death, illnesses, etc.   



Disagree with the bolded. I do believe those are huggable matters. Let's not get into the habit of comparing, measuring, and weighing each other's problems on that regard.

I think the line I would draw from ehelldame's example is that things that are life altering for at least several days or weeks (evictions, illness, etc.) are definitely hug worthy. Things that alter less than a day of one's life (like missing the bus to work) or less than an hour (stubbing a toe) and have no real ramifications beyond that are less serious.

I think that the type of person whose stubbed toe requires moaning, gnashing of teeth, and tearful posts to ehell is precisely the type of person some of us are worried about encouraging. Someone constantly seeking help on trivial matters strikes me as having few resources or coping mechanisms, and may have a level of emotional or psychological need the board can't provide.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: kingsrings on October 13, 2011, 03:41:14 PM
ITA again. Scritzyís Coke Rule works in that regard some, but lately when a poster chooses to ignore something, theyíre then chewed out for not responding! That I feel is not right, since the Coke Rule is one of the rules on the forum Ė something gets too heated, you donít like how someone is talking to you, ignore their posts. That should be respected.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: Red1979 on October 13, 2011, 04:56:08 PM
I agree with the dame's post 100%.

I try to treat people on ehell the way I'd want to be treated if I were in the situation. If I was posting in a hugs thread and someone could offer me simple advice to fix my problem, I'd much rather have the solution to the issue than hugs any day of the week.  If I can offer someone something that could end the problem, I think that's far more valuable than an internet "hug" from a stranger.

Ehell is not a support group.  Those of us who've been around a long time, get to know each other and develop a comraderie and oftentimes a friendship.  So if someone has a serious issue, we want to know about it and offer our support.  However, we don't need to know about every hangnail or bad day.  People need to have outlets for their minor problems that are not ehell.  If someone needs constant support for emotional issues and dilemmas there are tons of other resources out there for that. 

Ehell is an etiquette board first, and boards like "hugs" and "good news" are there as part of the relationships we've already developed with each other.  The aren't a dumping ground every time someone has a bad day.

I also don't believe in posts asking for hugs, when someone refuses to correct an easily fixable situation that they have created themselves.  If you keep banging yourself on the head with a hammer, I'm not going to offer you "hugs" for the pain.  I'm going to tell you that you need to stop hitting yourself with a hammer.

Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: Lynn2000 on October 13, 2011, 04:59:27 PM

Another thing I've been noticing is that the requests for "hugs" has increasingly been for what I consider trivial matters.  Having a bad day or feeling cranky just does not rise to the level of someone losing a job, a pet's death, evictions, accidents, death, illnesses, etc.   



Disagree with the bolded. I do believe those are huggable matters. Let's not get into the habit of comparing, measuring, and weighing each other's problems on that regard.

I think the line I would draw from ehelldame's example is that things that are life altering for at least several days or weeks (evictions, illness, etc.) are definitely hug worthy. Things that alter less than a day of one's life (like missing the bus to work) or less than an hour (stubbing a toe) and have no real ramifications beyond that are less serious.

I think that the type of person whose stubbed toe requires moaning, gnashing of teeth, and tearful posts to ehell is precisely the type of person some of us are worried about encouraging. Someone constantly seeking help on trivial matters strikes me as having few resources or coping mechanisms, and may have a level of emotional or psychological need the board can't provide.

Interesting post by Ehelldame re: the purpose of the INAH folder. I agree with all of it except for the bolded snippet above. Well, obviously my agreement is not required, but I guess that snippet is not what I was expecting or understood previously.

I think I've started a thread in INAH exactly once--it was something about how my water had been shut off for a repair that the landlord knew about in advance, but didn't tell me about until it was really inconvenient for me. And I prefaced my post by saying that I realized that compared to other problems in the folder, this was trivial, but I was still really  frustrated by it. All I was looking for was to get my frustration off my chest, have a couple people write back to say, "So sorry about that! That stinks!" and move on. (Which is what happened, BTW, which was very nice. :) )

Now if the mods want to say that a thread like that is too trivial for INAH and shouldn't be posted, I would respect that; but the rules need to be clear, and it sounds like Ehelldame will be coming out with clarification soon. Which is great. But it might also lead people to start sniping to an OP, "Sorry, your so-called bad day is too trivial," or might lead someone to exaggerate to reach the required threshold of "badness." And I'd hate to see threads devolve into that, when there seem to be issues with the folder already.

If you (general) feel that someone is overdramatizing minor events on a regular basis, I think it should be fine to gently point that out to them; but I'm uncomfortable with the idea that someone's single "bad day" post could be subject to harsh judgment for not being "bad" enough.  :-\
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: RainhaDoTexugo on October 13, 2011, 05:07:23 PM
Lynn, for what it's worth, I wouldn't consider your example a "go text a friend" problem.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: MrsJWine on October 13, 2011, 05:13:48 PM
On one end (1), there are hangnails and bad hair days. On the other end (10), there's the death of a loved one or a horrible diagnosis. And in between is all the other stuff that happens to us.

I'm guessing that posting frequently about hangnails and bad hair days is going to be frowned upon, but I'm also guessing that if you're having one of those weeks--you know, where every day is a bad hair day, your car breaks down, your washing machine implodes (after your SO washes your favorite white sweater in a red load), your computer eats the paper you've been working on for weeks, and THEN you get the hangnail, which breaks you completely, and you post on EHell for some sympathy, no one's going to say, "OP, this is a serious folder. You need to have Misery Level Five or More to post in here."

I think it's pretty widely agreed upon here that comparing hurts is unproductive. It's just the incessant minor or completely fixable complaints from the same people time after time that might be curtailed. That's my best guess, anyway.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: Shoo on October 13, 2011, 05:20:30 PM

I think it's pretty widely agreed upon here that comparing hurts is unproductive. It's just the incessant minor or completely fixable complaints from the same people time after time that might be curtailed. That's my best guess, anyway.

It is the incessant minor and/or completely fixable complaints from the same people time after time that has caused posters (like me) to ignore the Hugs folder altogether.  And it's a shame because I'd like to be supportive in a lot of situations, but I'm burned out on it all.  I can't bring myself to read it anymore.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: furrcats on October 13, 2011, 05:37:53 PM
I've noticed snippyness in the hug folder lately
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: kingsrings on October 13, 2011, 06:33:50 PM
That clears it up more. I agree abot the same old, same old getting awfully tiring amongst other reasons after awhile. BUT, like others have said, someone posting once in a while about their washing machine breaking isn't a big deal.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: POF on October 13, 2011, 07:13:23 PM
Geez I feel bad ( can I have a hug .... LOL ) .... I am wondering if I was the onus behind this thread because I posted about DH frustrating the heck out of me this weekend.

Yeah - its probably trivial to a lot of people .... but who gets to judge what is trivial.

I guess I'll think twice about posting in I need a Hug.

Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: Lynn2000 on October 13, 2011, 07:43:33 PM
Whatever the impetus, I think it's a good thread. Since Ehelldame herself has posted (in another thread) saying that the purpose of the folder is being misunderstood/abused, it seems that this was a common question, and I think the discussion has been productive.

Lynn, for what it's worth, I wouldn't consider your example a "go text a friend" problem.

Thanks!  :D 'Cause my reply to that "helpful" suggestion would have been a whiny, "...but I don't know HOW to text!!!!"  ;D But seriously, I think it's good to clarify what situations are appropriate as much as possible, because if it's left vague but with an overhanging, "Some things are not allowed!" that's just a recipe for disaster. And I'm assuming that Ehelldame/the mods are working on that (though of course I could be assuming incorrectly).
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: Winterlight on October 13, 2011, 07:46:13 PM
POF, I read your post as, "I'm hurt because my husband blew me off," and I think that's valid for INAH.

There are posts where I'll think, "Seriously?" and "Not again!" but I don't comment on those.

Sometimes, a post may call for gentle criticism, but it's a difficult balance for me so I try to err on the side of gentle.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: buvezdevin on October 13, 2011, 07:48:05 PM
I don't read the majority of items in INAH, so cannot comment on what may be trends within the folder - I read and post to those INAH threads with a title which gets my attention if it crops up in "unread" view during a period I'm on eHell.

While I haven't read any thread there which seems inappropriately trivial (certainly a somewhat subjective call), I recognize that others apparently check the folder regularly, and many may read most/all threads regardless of title.  Given that likely practice, I can understand how multiple relatively minor posts would have the effect of encouraging others to post relatively minor matters, and at some point, it's an exponential, effective "folder-jack".

No thoughts on best means to address that possibility, but I am glad the folder is there, and hope it will continue. 

ETA:  I read and posted in POF's referenced thread.  In my view, it was not only appropriate to INAH, but also offered potential for responding posters to make suggestions.  As apparent by the fact I made one, which was not a critique, and may or may not be helpful, but I included a hug.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: realgonegal1 on October 13, 2011, 07:52:38 PM
I had a recent experience with that folder that ended badly.

When I joined Ehell, I posted occasionally in the "regular" folders.  But as time went on, I really only had time to lurk.  I had kids, got busy etc.

My life has hit the fan in the past eighteen months.  While I am not close with anyone on the site, I do appreciate the advice and support that I have been given in the past in other folders.

I posted in INAH for two reasons:  I genuinely feel kind of lost, and my problems are not exactly for public consumption.  Sometimes, it IS easier to post here than tell a friend.  I did change some details, and wasn't exactly good at keeping everyone abreast of the daily drama on schedule (I have little kids and I'm busy).  And I was called out for it.  I chose to ask the mods to close the thread, rather than get accused of being a troll (and possibly banned).

So I won't be posting in that folder anymore.  But I know that many find it comforting to have an outlet.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: Ticia on October 13, 2011, 08:03:06 PM
There's a website that has a chat room that I've been apart of for something like 12 years now. I consider the people there really good friends and have met a good 30 or 40 of them (It's a small chat room) in real life through the years. I've even dated one guy from the chat room, before I met my husband. In other words, these guys are honest to goodness, I know them in real life not just on the internet, friends.

One day I was complaining there about something that had happened to me involving someone that had disappointed me. One of the people chatting said "Ticia, it seems you're always being disappointed by someone. What's going on?"

It really made me sit back and think. Because the truth was that I wasn't constantly being disappointed by people. It's just that this chat room had become my go-to place to vent. So most of my communication with them was me whining about my day or the people in it. When that's *all* you say to people, of course they're going to think that you're doing it too much and that's all your life is about.

I've cut way back on complaining to people in the chat room. There's still one person on there that I'll private message and vent to, but we're more like best friends. She comes to my house whenever she's passing through, and she lives about an hour away. And I always try to be upbeat and positive at other times.

If all we hear from someone are complaints about how they've has stubbed their toe, again, then we might either tell them to put some shoes on, or we're going to distance ourselves so we don't have to hear it anymore.

If all anyone ever hears from you (general you, this is not directed at anyone) is complaining, you become an emotional drain on their energy. There are some people you have a good enough relationship with that they can stand it for awhile, but even they're going to have to tell you to stop, eventually, if you're never positive with them. Of course it's okay to complain about stuff to  friends when you need to. If that's all you ever do, though, you need to be prepared to hear that you're doing it too much.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: Yvaine on October 13, 2011, 08:08:52 PM

It really made me sit back and think. Because the truth was that I wasn't constantly being disappointed by people. It's just that this chat room had become my go-to place to vent. So most of my communication with them was me whining about my day or the people in it. When that's *all* you say to people, of course they're going to think that you're doing it too much and that's all your life is about.


This is a very good point. I used to do that with my LiveJournal. If I was venty or emo, I'd post on LJ. If I was in a good mood, I usually didn't think to post to LJ about it--either I'd be out doing whatever thing was making me happy, or else I'd just not feel like sitting at a computer to write about it. So my LJ was endless bellyaching. I had a few people tell me I wallowed in self-pity too much, and it didn't ring true in my head, since that's not what I'm like all the time in reality--but if they read my LJ more than they saw me, it made sense.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: Scritzy on October 13, 2011, 08:30:17 PM
Ticia, I very much agree. We all need to take a step back and look at ourselves once in a while.

One of the things I like about this forum is that it can be supportive in times of trouble. I posted about my divorce three times: when he left, when I knew it was over and when the final hearing was over. I got love and support that made me cry, actually.

But if I had come on every week and given a blow-by-blow, i.e., "Chip was mean to me this week!" or "My lawyer is charging too much!" or "My mother says if I get remarried my new husband will murder me!" (and she did say that) ó well, that's when I'd expect someone to say, "Honey, this is the hardest time of your life, yet I feel you need to think about, Why all the meanness? Are you seeing it from just your own perspective, or do you need to take other things into consideration?" (Except for Mother, of course; she's just plain nuts. ;)) For instance, I know how expensive my lawyer was, but he's been my lawyer for over 30 years. To have retained him and then whine about the expense would be, well, whining.

Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: Spoder on October 13, 2011, 10:24:40 PM
I hope the Dame doesn't mind if I repost this here:

Ladies,

Having received personal PMs about this thread, I will address some issues not only in regards to this thread but the entire folder.

First, I suggest many readers reacquaint themselves with the forum rules.   Is what you are posting productive?  Does it build up the forum/readers or does it tear it down?  Are you presuming more than you should or possibly reading more into what others have written than was intended?

Second, the Hugs folder has never had any defined "rules" as to the content but over the past three months I have been increasingly concerned and coming to several conclusions that there will be changes to this folder.   One main thing I noticed was that there are some individuals who frequent this folder far too much with what seems to be never ending tales of woe.  It's as if this folder has become an emotional crutch with a few people needing frequent ego stroking and validation.  That was never the intent of this folder.   

Another thing I've been noticing is that the requests for "hugs" has increasingly been for what I consider trivial matters.  Having a bad day or feeling cranky just does not rise to the level of someone losing a job, a pet's death, evictions, accidents, death, illnesses, etc.   

Third, if you post about a problem that has the potential to be resolved with some practical advice from others, I think you should expect to be the recipient of that advice with the caveat being that legal, medical, sexual advice is not allowed.

Disagree with the bolded. I do believe those are huggable matters. Let's not get into the habit of comparing, measuring, and weighing each other's problems on that regard.

Honestly, I have an issue with that as well. If posts in the INAH folder bother me for some reason, or if I think they're trivial, I just ignore them. It's not as if one must post x amount of hugs per month to retain eHell privileges.

Person A might have lost her job because she's incompetent, or be getting divorced because she's a selfish spouse. Person B might be posting 'my washing machine has broken down and it's the last straw' because actually, she's also being abused by her husband but isn't ready to post about it on here. What we *read* is sometimes the tip of the iceberg.

Posters come to the Hugs folder because they need something they're not getting IRL. I'm presuming most of them are not texting a friend instead because that option isn't available to them, for some reason. I am not interested in ranking people's 'worthiness' for hugs, based on the self-selected and limited information we get in the INAH folder. I'll either give hugs, or I won't.

I think that posters need to take some responsibility for staying out of folders/threads that bug them. If you (general) believe a poster is abusing the hugs folder by posting trivial things, or not learning from their mistakes, why not either ignore it, or gently and politely point it out and then *move on*? Eventually, when their threads are only getting a handful of replies, I think they'll get the message.

Obviously, the Dame and mods can do whatever they choose. But if the INAH folder is going to be heavily moderated and 'screened' for appropriateness, I will stop reading it (and probably the forum) altogether. The tone of judgmentalism and holier-than-thou-ness that has crept into this forum lately irritates me more than any trivial hug request does.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: kingsrings on October 13, 2011, 10:48:36 PM
ITA.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: RainhaDoTexugo on October 13, 2011, 11:36:28 PM
Whatever the impetus, I think it's a good thread. Since Ehelldame herself has posted (in another thread) saying that the purpose of the folder is being misunderstood/abused, it seems that this was a common question, and I think the discussion has been productive.

Lynn, for what it's worth, I wouldn't consider your example a "go text a friend" problem.

Thanks!  :D 'Cause my reply to that "helpful" suggestion would have been a whiny, "...but I don't know HOW to text!!!!"  ;D But seriously, I think it's good to clarify what situations are appropriate as much as possible, because if it's left vague but with an overhanging, "Some things are not allowed!" that's just a recipe for disaster. And I'm assuming that Ehelldame/the mods are working on that (though of course I could be assuming incorrectly).

I agree that moderating worthiness of hugs would be messy, at best.  I would argue in favor of a little more self reflection before posting, though, even if all it means is the poster adds in the part about stubbing her toe being the last straw, as opposed to just whining about a toe stub.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: MrsJWine on October 14, 2011, 01:40:05 AM
I think a fresh toe stub would really be something to complain about in the hugs folder. But maybe not a fresh toe stubbing.

Oh my gosh I need to go to bed.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: Iris on October 14, 2011, 03:23:44 AM
Geez I feel bad ( can I have a hug .... LOL ) .... I am wondering if I was the onus behind this thread because I posted about DH frustrating the heck out of me this weekend.

Yeah - its probably trivial to a lot of people .... but who gets to judge what is trivial.

I guess I'll think twice about posting in I need a Hug.

If it's any comfort I'm feeling really paranoid too because I did actually start a thread about an actual bad day. The Ehell Dame's post will certainly make me think twice about posting in INAH again.

It's really hard not to feel defensive about the level of "badness" of my day now and whether it was of a degree bad enough to justify bothering the internet with.  ::)
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: POF on October 14, 2011, 08:07:38 AM
I read somewhere that we can rise to meet the crisis and big issues .... but often times its the day to day grind that kills us.  And often times .... I just want to commiserate with someone not im my day to day circle.

I ignore posts that I don't want to read ..... and I owuld assume people would do the same.


I think it is unnecessary to worry about what is in the HUGS folder.  I am a pet lover ... but I know many who aren't and they would think that pet issues are trivial ... so it is really all in the point of view of both the poster and the reader.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: kingsrings on October 14, 2011, 11:23:33 AM
I read somewhere that we can rise to meet the crisis and big issues .... but often times its the day to day grind that kills us.  And often times .... I just want to commiserate with someone not im my day to day circle.

I ignore posts that I don't want to read ..... and I owuld assume people would do the same.


I think it is unnecessary to worry about what is in the HUGS folder.  I am a pet lover ... but I know many who aren't and they would think that pet issues are trivial ... so it is really all in the point of view of both the poster and the reader.

I think the onus is on this. What would be the point of telling someone who posted something in INAH that their problem isn't big enough, or too trivial, or other similar criticism? No point or purpose in that that I can think of. If you don't like or agree with it, then just ignore it and go on to threads that do suit you more.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: rashea on October 14, 2011, 12:43:30 PM
Geez I feel bad ( can I have a hug .... LOL ) .... I am wondering if I was the onus behind this thread because I posted about DH frustrating the heck out of me this weekend.

Yeah - its probably trivial to a lot of people .... but who gets to judge what is trivial.

I guess I'll think twice about posting in I need a Hug.

Here's how I would word my concerns about that folder. You posted about your DH being a pain. You got advice and hugs. That's what the folder is for.

If you posted there with the exact same problem every week or so, ignored the advice, and started bringing it into other areas of the board, then it's a problem. I think everyone occasionally needs a hug for trivial things. But when it's the same topic repeatedly, and you aren't doing anything to work on it, then it starts wearing out the goodwill of others.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: HermioneGranger on October 14, 2011, 12:48:57 PM
Geez I feel bad ( can I have a hug .... LOL ) .... I am wondering if I was the onus behind this thread because I posted about DH frustrating the heck out of me this weekend.

Yeah - its probably trivial to a lot of people .... but who gets to judge what is trivial.

I guess I'll think twice about posting in I need a Hug.

Here's how I would word my concerns about that folder. You posted about your DH being a pain. You got advice and hugs. That's what the folder is for.

If you posted there with the exact same problem every week or so, ignored the advice, and started bringing it into other areas of the board, then it's a problem. I think everyone occasionally needs a hug for trivial things. But when it's the same topic repeatedly, and you aren't doing anything to work on it, then it starts wearing out the goodwill of others.

That's kind of how I feel.  Everyone has a crappy week now and then.  But when it's every other week, and you haven't done anything to try to remedy your situation, it's gets old, and people start to lose sympathy.  This is an internet board, not a replacement for a therapist. 
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: penelope2017 on October 14, 2011, 01:13:24 PM
Geez I feel bad ( can I have a hug .... LOL ) .... I am wondering if I was the onus behind this thread because I posted about DH frustrating the heck out of me this weekend.

Yeah - its probably trivial to a lot of people .... but who gets to judge what is trivial.

I guess I'll think twice about posting in I need a Hug.

Here's how I would word my concerns about that folder. You posted about your DH being a pain. You got advice and hugs. That's what the folder is for.

If you posted there with the exact same problem every week or so, ignored the advice, and started bringing it into other areas of the board, then it's a problem. I think everyone occasionally needs a hug for trivial things. But when it's the same topic repeatedly, and you aren't doing anything to work on it, then it starts wearing out the goodwill of others.

That's kind of how I feel.  Everyone has a crappy week now and then.  But when it's every other week, and you haven't done anything to try to remedy your situation, it's gets old, and people start to lose sympathy.  This is an internet board, not a replacement for a therapist.

Exactly. It is at that point that I feel like being a good friend is to tell them it is time to try to look at their own actions - that is my attempt at comforting.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: LadyPekoe on October 14, 2011, 01:18:47 PM
Here is how I see it.

Some things truly are trivial.  If it's the capper on a bad week, I get that.  But if you wanted a meatball sub for lunch and only had $5 instead of $7 because you forgot the other $2 at home?  And there are absolutely posts like that.  But that's not why I started the thread.

I started the thread because of two distinct points:

1.  People keep saying that constructive criticism is "not the point of the folder".  I wanted clarification and it seems like EHellDame was saying it was okay, it most circumstances.  Personally, I think if you want nothing but endless ((hugs)) and nothing else, maybe a support forum would be better, but that's just me.

2.  People who post over and over and over again with the exact same problem without doing anything to help their circumstances.  Look, if it's time three you've posted the same thing, you are going to get advice whether you like it or not.

And, frankly, I don't think the INAH thread means that people can't troll.  If I posted "I really need a hug today.  Yesterday, little green men beamed me up to their spaceship as I was walking the dogs (they beamed the dogs up too).  We gave us dinner, we all got probed (yes, even the dogs), but then they beamed us down 3 miles away from the house!  It was a long walk but by the time I got home, all the media outlets were there waiting to interview us (from the newspaper to "Dog Fancy"!).  Unfortunately, I had lost my voice :(  Please give me hugs" I don't think people should sit there silently and just agree that was probably traumatic. 
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: Wendy Moira Angela Pan on October 14, 2011, 01:51:59 PM
LadyP, you may just be the best. And I think the dame was saying that the inah board is not the place to recount the same minor problem over and over while refusing to address it and rebuffing advice.

I also think it's pretty nasty to go into some one's thread and deride them for even caring about the issue. No matter what board they post it to. If you don't like a thread, don't read it. If you feel that it's inappropriate for the forum, report it. Or you might kindly warn the op that their thread is beyond the scope of the forum and may be locked.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: kingsrings on October 14, 2011, 02:03:48 PM
LadyP, you may just be the best. And I think the dame was saying that the inah board is not the place to recount the same minor problem over and over while refusing to address it and rebuffing advice.

I also think it's pretty nasty to go into some one's thread and deride them for even caring about the issue. No matter what board they post it to. If you don't like a thread, don't read it. If you feel that it's inappropriate for the forum, report it. Or you might kindly warn the op that their thread is beyond the scope of the forum and may be locked.

Agree. There would be a lot less bickering if people just did this!
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: Scuba_Dog on October 14, 2011, 02:12:30 PM
Has there been any thought about getting rid of the INAH folder altogether? 

It seems like it's more trouble than it's worth and it's certainly not a necessity, considering the mass amount of support type forums that already exist online.


Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: Yvaine on October 14, 2011, 02:13:23 PM
LadyP, you may just be the best. And I think the dame was saying that the inah board is not the place to recount the same minor problem over and over while refusing to address it and rebuffing advice.

I also think it's pretty nasty to go into some one's thread and deride them for even caring about the issue. No matter what board they post it to. If you don't like a thread, don't read it. If you feel that it's inappropriate for the forum, report it. Or you might kindly warn the op that their thread is beyond the scope of the forum and may be locked.

Agree. There would be a lot less bickering if people just did this!

MegaPOD.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: DuBois on October 14, 2011, 03:22:49 PM
Has there been any thought about getting rid of the INAH folder altogether? 

It seems like it's more trouble than it's worth and it's certainly not a necessity, considering the mass amount of support type forums that already exist online.

I see your point, but I think it would be a shame. I think that the very best, most compassionate side of the forum is to be found in that folder. I agree that it is a shame that trolls seem to target it more than other folders, though.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: RainhaDoTexugo on October 14, 2011, 07:40:19 PM
Has there been any thought about getting rid of the INAH folder altogether? 

It seems like it's more trouble than it's worth and it's certainly not a necessity, considering the mass amount of support type forums that already exist online.

I see your point, but I think it would be a shame. I think that the very best, most compassionate side of the forum is to be found in that folder. I agree that it is a shame that trolls seem to target it more than other folders, though.
Has there been any thought about getting rid of the INAH folder altogether? 

It seems like it's more trouble than it's worth and it's certainly not a necessity, considering the mass amount of support type forums that already exist online.

I see your point, but I think it would be a shame. I think that the very best, most compassionate side of the forum is to be found in that folder. I agree that it is a shame that trolls seem to target it more than other folders, though.

I'd hate to see it go because of a few bad apples.  I don't use it often, but it's been a help for the few times I've needed it.  If nothing else, I think it's a good resource for keeping up with people I'm friendly with here.  I'd hate to ask someone how their adorable dog is doing, and find out that the dog ran away six months ago, you know?  I think the board brings us together more than it tears us apart.

I do think a support site might be better for people with chronic problems, who won't or can't take constructive criticism.  I understand that sometimes you just need to have someone on your side.  I have a dear friend in a situation that a lot of her friends aren't thrilled about, and I've promised to be the Supportive Friend, because she needs that from someone, and I love her.  It's unrealistic to expect an entire forum to take that approach, though, because we don't have the close relationships that real life friends would have, and because there are just too many of us.  Even my dear friend understands when, now and then, I ask her a few probing questions.  Posters who are unhappy with the advice in the hugs folder might be able to find a couple PM buddies who are willing to give hugs without judgment, though.

I've been thinking on the "trivial" problems issue, and I have an idea that may or may not work.  I understand wanting to keep "I stubbed my toe!" threads from eclipsing "I'm leaving my husband!" threads, but I also understand that sometimes, you stub your toe, and it sucks, and your husband isn't home, and you really want someone to say "aww, poor Rainha, that sucks!"  What about, possibly, a Small Hugs thread?  It would be up to a poster's discretion whether their issue is a small hug or a big deal situation, but we seem to be doing a good job policing ourselves in similar ways in the craft folder (posting small projects in the Current Projects folder, and making threads for big things), as well as a couple other places.  It would be an outlet for people who just want a hug or two because of some small blip in their day.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: demarco on October 14, 2011, 07:56:07 PM
Rainha, I like the idea of a small hugs folder. 
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: KittyBass on October 14, 2011, 07:58:31 PM
I would really hate to see the Hug folder go. I've posted there a few times and I got far more than hugs out of it. I got a lot of support and great advice and I will always be thankful for that.

Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: Solanna Dryden on October 14, 2011, 08:28:46 PM
Or even just a Small Hugs thread? I was going to suggest that too.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
Post by: gramma dishes on October 14, 2011, 09:07:05 PM


...  it's gentler to use "I love you, and" instead of "I love you, but:"

One of my good friends will sometimes say, "You know that I love you and I support you 100 percent.  And I also think you need to consider ...."

This is awesome and although I've long known that the word 'but' negates whatever niceties might have been uttered right before it comes out of one's mouth, I've never heard this use of 'and' as an alternative.  But it's beautiful!!! I'll be keeping this one in mind in case I ever need to use it in the future.    Thank you.   :)
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: RainhaDoTexugo on October 14, 2011, 09:23:58 PM
Or even just a Small Hugs thread? I was going to suggest that too.

That's what I was thinking.  Just one shared megathread.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: Amalthea on October 14, 2011, 10:51:14 PM
Or even just a Small Hugs thread? I was going to suggest that too.

That's what I was thinking.  Just one shared megathread.

I think that sounds like a really good idea too.  Reading this thread has made me feel pretty guilty about using the INAH folder, but a Small Hugs thread would be perfect.
Title: Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
Post by: Ehelldame on October 15, 2011, 12:19:58 PM
Geez I feel bad ( can I have a hug .... LOL ) .... I am wondering if I was the onus behind this thread because I posted about DH frustrating the heck out of me this weekend.

Yeah - its probably trivial to a lot of people .... but who gets to judge what is trivial.

I guess I'll think twice about posting in I need a Hug.

Here's how I would word my concerns about that folder. You posted about your DH being a pain. You got advice and hugs. That's what the folder is for.

If you posted there with the exact same problem every week or so, ignored the advice, and started bringing it into other areas of the board, then it's a problem. I think everyone occasionally needs a hug for trivial things. But when it's the same topic repeatedly, and you aren't doing anything to work on it, then it starts wearing out the goodwill of others.

You've hit the nail on the head.  It's not an occasional trivial problem, it's the people who have the same repeating problem or every week whine of yet another new trivial drama in their life.  Someone who habitually elevates the normal stresses of everyday life to a weekly drama which translates into a craving for ego stroking and validation has more problems than this forum is equipted to handle.    It's rare but I have "shooed" a few people out of this forum because they never changed, they never grew despite receiving very good advice repeatedly and every post was just a dreary litany of some new misery in their life.