Etiquette Hell

A Civil World. Off-topic discussions on a variety of topics. Guests, register for forum membership to see all the boards. => Humor Me! => Topic started by: Diane AKA Traska on May 26, 2012, 08:12:56 PM

Title: Stumper jokes
Post by: Diane AKA Traska on May 26, 2012, 08:12:56 PM
This thread's for jokes that seem so obscure that you're not sure anyone's going to get them.  I'll start:

A man walks up to a computer programmer on the street.  The man says to the programmer "I haven't had a bite in three days."  So the programmer gives the man a dollar.

(Anyone want to guess why?  :D)
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Tierrainney on May 26, 2012, 08:15:05 PM
What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?

Nothing.


You can't cross a scaler with a vector.
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Iris on May 26, 2012, 08:30:48 PM
What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?

Nothing.


You can't cross a scaler with a vector.

See, I actually know what a scal(a)r and a vector are, I know why you can't cross them. And I *still* don't get this joke because I don't know how you get from mosquito to vector. Is this a regional thing?
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: lady_disdain on May 26, 2012, 08:55:37 PM

See, I actually know what a scal(a)r and a vector are, I know why you can't cross them. And I *still* don't get this joke because I don't know how you get from mosquito to vector. Is this a regional thing?

In biology, a vector is an organism that transmits a pathogen to the host (aka, infects something with disease). Mosquitos are vectors to a number of lovely disease, such as malaria, dengue, etc.
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Elfmama on May 26, 2012, 09:05:12 PM
This thread's for jokes that seem so obscure that you're not sure anyone's going to get them.  I'll start:

A man walks up to a computer programmer on the street.  The man says to the programmer "I haven't had a bite in three days."  So the programmer gives the man a dollar.

(Anyone want to guess why?  :D)
Because a byte is 8 bits, and there are 8 bits to a dollar!
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Iris on May 26, 2012, 09:06:25 PM

See, I actually know what a scal(a)r and a vector are, I know why you can't cross them. And I *still* don't get this joke because I don't know how you get from mosquito to vector. Is this a regional thing?

In biology, a vector is an organism that transmits a pathogen to the host (aka, infects something with disease). Mosquitos are vectors to a number of lovely disease, such as malaria, dengue, etc.

Ah, I see. I'm afraid the last time I studied any biology I was about 14 years old  :)
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Diane AKA Traska on May 26, 2012, 09:09:40 PM
This thread's for jokes that seem so obscure that you're not sure anyone's going to get them.  I'll start:

A man walks up to a computer programmer on the street.  The man says to the programmer "I haven't had a bite in three days."  So the programmer gives the man a dollar.

(Anyone want to guess why?  :D)
Because a byte is 8 bits, and there are 8 bits to a dollar!

A winner is you!
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Tierrainney on May 26, 2012, 09:30:06 PM

See, I actually know what a scal(a)r and a vector are, I know why you can't cross them. And I *still* don't get this joke because I don't know how you get from mosquito to vector. Is this a regional thing?

In biology, a vector is an organism that transmits a pathogen to the host (aka, infects something with disease). Mosquitos are vectors to a number of lovely disease, such as malaria, dengue, etc.

Ah, I see. I'm afraid the last time I studied any biology I was about 14 years old  :)

Well, we were asked for stumper jokes.  ;)

I don't get to tell this one very often as is does combine different scientific knowledge, but I always have liked the "what do you get when you cross..." type of jokes.



Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Piratelvr1121 on May 26, 2012, 10:28:55 PM
This is so stupid it makes me laugh, partly because it's one Al Pacino kept telling Johnny Depp while shooting "Donnie Brasco" together and Johnny said he didn't get it for a while, or as Letterman suggested, it might have been that he didn't want to admit that he got it.

A skeleton goes into a bar.  Orders a beer, and a mop.

To hear Johnny tell it, and do his Al Pacino impression: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84-vIZztZLo
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Slartibartfast on May 26, 2012, 11:58:54 PM
How did Little Johnny's math teacher know he was from a dysfunctional family?  Because he failed the vertical line test.

(The vertical line test being the way to tell whether something is a proper function or not . . .)
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Mental Magpie on May 27, 2012, 10:45:48 AM
It doesn't matter how many times I try to explain this to my sister and mom, they never get it...

(Warning: Other strips on the site contain adult material; browse at your own risk.)

http://www.explosm.net/comics/2322/ (http://www.explosm.net/comics/2322/)
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Elfmama on May 27, 2012, 10:48:23 AM
 ;D
It doesn't matter how many times I try to explain this to my sister and mom, they never get it...

(Warning: Other strips on the site contain adult material; browse at your own risk.)

http://www.explosm.net/comics/2322/ (http://www.explosm.net/comics/2322/)
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Sanity Lost on May 27, 2012, 05:18:43 PM
^^^
 :-[

I don't get it

 :-[
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Harriet on May 27, 2012, 05:49:40 PM
^^^
 :-[

I don't get it

 :-[

Sanity Lost, look up the definition of onomatopoeia!
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Elfmama on May 27, 2012, 05:51:08 PM
^^^
 :-[

I don't get it

 :-[
ONOMATOPOEIA
1
: the naming of a thing or action by a vocal imitation of the sound associated with it (as buzz, hiss)
2
: the use of words whose sound suggests the sense (like splash.)
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Mental Magpie on May 27, 2012, 07:23:21 PM
^^^
 :-[

I don't get it

 :-[
ONOMATOPOEIA
1
: the naming of a thing or action by a vocal imitation of the sound associated with it (as buzz, hiss)
2
: the use of words whose sound suggests the sense (like splash.)

In other words, a word that is spelled "exactly what it sounds like"... ;D 
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Slartibartfast on May 27, 2012, 10:01:12 PM
It doesn't matter how many times I try to explain this to my sister and mom, they never get it...

(Warning: Other strips on the site contain adult material; browse at your own risk.)

http://www.explosm.net/comics/2322/ (http://www.explosm.net/comics/2322/)

I'll admit; I LOLed ;D
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Iris on May 28, 2012, 02:57:45 AM
It doesn't matter how many times I try to explain this to my sister and mom, they never get it...

(Warning: Other strips on the site contain adult material; browse at your own risk.)

http://www.explosm.net/comics/2322/ (http://www.explosm.net/comics/2322/)

You didn't warn me there was a pun! I don't mind adult material, but really...a PUN??!!  ;)

This one came from one of my students. Less a joke and more a "What's the worst pick up line ever?"-type groaner

A man walks up to a woman sunbaking on a beach and says "Hey, I could be sin and you could be cos and together we can make a tan"

Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Virg on May 29, 2012, 11:26:10 AM
The student asks the cow, "Does the dog have Buddha nature?"  The cow replies, "Moo."

Virg
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Thipu1 on May 30, 2012, 09:27:40 AM
Here's one that I told by an Irish Egyptologist.

'Who is the Irish deity in the ancient Egyptian pantheon?'.

Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Diane AKA Traska on May 30, 2012, 10:46:05 AM
Here's one that I told by an Irish Egyptologist.

'Who is the Irish deity in the ancient Egyptian pantheon?'.

O'Siris!
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Thipu1 on May 30, 2012, 05:01:50 PM
Here's one that I told by an Irish Egyptologist.

'Who is the Irish deity in the ancient Egyptian pantheon?'.

O'Siris!

Give Traska a cigar!  There's still a  bit more to the explanation.  He's often shown with a green face and hymns to Osiris frequently offer him 1000 jugs of beer. 
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Mental Magpie on May 30, 2012, 09:59:07 PM
The student asks the cow, "Does the dog have Buddha nature?"  The cow replies, "Moo."

Virg

I don't even come close to getting that :(
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Lynn2000 on May 30, 2012, 10:05:19 PM
In biology/chemistry we like to say, "If you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."

Honestly in my group we don't tell very many geeky jokes, though, I don't know what's wrong with us. I hope to gain some good ones from this thread! :)

ETA: I do puns sometimes. Actually, one pun over and over again, sadly...
Boss: I have to finish my contribution to the nanotechnology paper.
Me: At least it's a small part.
Then I crack up, and my boss looks at me like, "I can't believe I pay you to work here."

My dad loves "Tom Swifties," though. You start with simple ones:

"I just washed that window!" Tom said clearly.

Then you move on to more obscure ones:

"I'm learning about Charlemagne," Tom said frankly.
"All in all, Helsinki is a great city," Tom finished.
"That's a lovely Christmas tree," Tom opined.

I guess they're puns?
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Nora on May 31, 2012, 04:36:42 AM
What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac?


Someone who sits up at night wondering if there really is a Dog.

Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: JonGirl on May 31, 2012, 06:02:32 AM
In biology/chemistry we like to say, "If you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."

Honestly in my group we don't tell very many geeky jokes, though, I don't know what's wrong with us. I hope to gain some good ones from this thread! :)

ETA: I do puns sometimes. Actually, one pun over and over again, sadly...
Boss: I have to finish my contribution to the nanotechnology paper.
Me: At least it's a small part.
Then I crack up, and my boss looks at me like, "I can't believe I pay you to work here."

My dad loves "Tom Swifties," though. You start with simple ones:

"I just washed that window!" Tom said clearly.

Then you move on to more obscure ones:

"I'm learning about Charlemagne," Tom said frankly.
"All in all, Helsinki is a great city," Tom finished.
"That's a lovely Christmas tree," Tom opined.

I guess they're puns?


That's funny!!  ;D
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: JonGirl on May 31, 2012, 06:04:49 AM


My dogma just got run over by my karma!
 :D
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Mental Magpie on May 31, 2012, 08:20:37 AM
In biology/chemistry we like to say, "If you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."

Honestly in my group we don't tell very many geeky jokes, though, I don't know what's wrong with us. I hope to gain some good ones from this thread! :)

ETA: I do puns sometimes. Actually, one pun over and over again, sadly...
Boss: I have to finish my contribution to the nanotechnology paper.
Me: At least it's a small part.
Then I crack up, and my boss looks at me like, "I can't believe I pay you to work here."

My dad loves "Tom Swifties," though. You start with simple ones:

"I just washed that window!" Tom said clearly.

Then you move on to more obscure ones:

"I'm learning about Charlemagne," Tom said frankly.
"All in all, Helsinki is a great city," Tom finished.
"That's a lovely Christmas tree," Tom opined.

I guess they're puns?

I have never heard of these Tom Swifties, but Dark Boyfriend is going to want to throttle you now that I have! *insert evil laugh* (Also, I'd laugh like a loon every time I said, "At least it's a small contribution." if I were you!)

What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac?


Someone who sits up at night wondering if there really is a Dog.



Love it!
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: JadeAngel on May 31, 2012, 08:21:10 AM
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One of them looks at the other one and says 'Do you smell fish?'
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Virg on May 31, 2012, 11:50:39 AM
Dark Magdelena wrote:

"I don't even come close to getting that"

I'm stunned that you don't get ancient Japanese puns.  For shame!

OK, the whole story is that this is from a famous Zen koan (a koan is the Buddhist equivalent of a parable, more or less).  In the koan, a student asks a famous Zen master that question, and he answers, "No."  The word for "no" in ancient Japanese (in which the story was originally told) is "Mu."

Virg
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: White Dragon on May 31, 2012, 01:53:26 PM
Dark Magdelena wrote:

"I don't even come close to getting that"

I'm stunned that you don't get ancient Japanese puns.  For shame!

OK, the whole story is that this is from a famous Zen koan (a koan is the Buddhist equivalent of a parable, more or less).  In the koan, a student asks a famous Zen master that question, and he answers, "No."  The word for "no" in ancient Japanese (in which the story was originally told) is "Mu."

Virg

I had half a chance of figuring out the geeky science stumpers, but I absolutely draw the line at multilingual jokes in dead languages.  ;D

{sadly hands in geek cred card....}
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Slartibartfast on May 31, 2012, 02:03:36 PM
Q: What is the simplest way to observe the optical Doppler effect?

A: Go out at and look at cars. The lights of the ones approaching you are white, while the lights of the ones moving away from you are red.

(not really a joke, but still makes me giggle!)
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: baglady on May 31, 2012, 07:47:26 PM
Actually the ones with adverbs are Tom Swifties ("We don't pray before meals in this house," she said gracelessly); the ones with verbs are "croakers," named after the prototypical "I'm dying," he croaked. These are some of mine:

Swifties:
"I finished my apprenticeship," he said extraneously.
"Trump runs this place like some kind of Russian monarch," he said sardonically.
"That's one of those women from the teahouse," he said sagaciously.
"Your girlfriend, Teresa, is on the line," she said esoterically.
"His Honor is insane," he said judgmentally.
"I made those changes you wanted to the plans, sir," he said respectfully.
"The register is clogged with dog hair!" she said fervently.
"The appetizer choices are minestrone and tuna salad," he said superficially.
"I'll have the minestrone; I've given up seafood," she said officiously.
"My addiction to eBay will be the death of me," she said morbidly.
"Kenneth was like a brother to me," he said brokenly.
"My pen pal is in a French women's prison," he said laconically.
"I ate too much of that kangaroo steak," he said ruefully.
"I need a loaner while my wedding band is being repaired," she said despairingly.
"I charge by the stanza," he said perversely.
"This is my second trip to the bog," she said repeatedly.
"I gave him another loan, but it was smaller than the first one," he said relentlessly.
"We'll have our evening meal after the boat docks," she said supportively.
"My shift was canceled," she said unstintingly.
"I sentence the prisoner to death in the electric chair," he said concurrently.
"They got the patient's heart started again," he said repulsively.
"He may be a drunkard, but he's smart," she said quixotically.
"They hauled that former Kelly Girl before the judge," he said extemporaneously.
"Timothy can't control his impulses," she said timidly.
"I am NOT drunk; jusht watch me leave that Chryshler in the dusht," he said passionately.
"Edward, why don't you stop by and let me take your picture?" she said composedly.
"I've become a Rastafarian; what do you think of my hairdo?" he said dreadfully.
"You're asking for trouble if you camp in that ragged old thing," she said portentously.
"I'd have made the high honor roll except for that B in my 11th-period class," she said tenaciously.
"What is your wish, Master?" he said genially.
"Can't another masseuse work on that Steinem woman today?" she said miserably.
"I hoped you behaved yourself on 'Romper Room,' " she said dubiously.
(N.B.: To get this one, you need to know Boston):
"Everybody in the North End thinks that Garson woman was a lousy actress," he said disagreeably.

Croakers
"It's a breath mint!" he asserted.
"This conifer specimen should be planted between trees N and P," he opined.
"Alabama, Alaska, California ..." he stated.
"I'd like to order an extra-supportive mattress," he affirmed.
"Can we make another search?" she requested.
"I'm filing for worker's compensation," he claimed.
"It's not quite good enough to receive an N," he orated.
" ... get it!" she commanded.
"I wasn't this attractive before the surgery," she explained.
"I did so make another cake!" she retorted.
"You have to understand the significance of the crow's call," he commented.
"I've given up my religion," he decreed.
"Ms. Bloom, Ms. Danes, you're both fired!" he declared.
"Let me tell you how I lost weight," she expounded.
"That lawn was planted with prison labor," he conceded.
"The prisoner holds the key to solving the mystery," he concluded.
"So what you're saying is, you want to wear your mink coat," he inferred.
"Someone wrecked my beautiful new Swedish car!" she sobbed.
"Hey, y'all, I'm down here! In this valley!" he hollered.
"The stool sample j-just slipped off the counter," she faltered.
"I love 'All Quiet on the Western Front,' " he remarked.
"Someday President Roosevelt will return from the dead," he theorized.
"The unknown in this equation is how many apples he swallowed whole," he excoriated.
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Lynn2000 on May 31, 2012, 09:34:36 PM
baglady, those are awesome!  ;D I can't wait to show my dad...
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: hyzenthlay on May 31, 2012, 09:40:28 PM
Here's a couple for the accounting field.

Why did the Auditor cross the road?

Because the Auditor did it last year!

. . .

Why did the Auditor wear polyester?

Because it's not material!
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Mental Magpie on May 31, 2012, 11:19:50 PM
Dark Magdelena wrote:

"I don't even come close to getting that"

I'm stunned that you don't get ancient Japanese puns.  For shame!

OK, the whole story is that this is from a famous Zen koan (a koan is the Buddhist equivalent of a parable, more or less).  In the koan, a student asks a famous Zen master that question, and he answers, "No."  The word for "no" in ancient Japanese (in which the story was originally told) is "Mu."

Virg

Very esoteric!  Dark Boyfriend appreciated it, though, and the small history lesson within.
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Bijou on June 01, 2012, 01:53:01 AM
Understanding most of these jokes is as taxing as trying to read through the IRS regulations. 
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Elfmama on June 01, 2012, 08:24:42 AM
"The garden needs additional flowers," Tom said morosely.
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: White Dragon on June 01, 2012, 03:53:12 PM
"This water feature is too shallow," he said despondently.

"Someone collided with my car!" she said prudently.

"Auggie's car squeaks too much," he said lugubriously.
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Diane AKA Traska on June 01, 2012, 03:58:20 PM
"She's pretty, but there are much hotter women" he said objectively.
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: White Dragon on June 01, 2012, 04:30:07 PM
"She's pretty, but there are much hotter women" he said objectively.

Here we go again.
Locked in a battle of wits and me unarmed.
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: wendelenn on June 01, 2012, 05:30:34 PM
Actually the ones with adverbs are Tom Swifties ("We don't pray before meals in this house," she said gracelessly); the ones with verbs are "croakers," named after the prototypical "I'm dying," he croaked. These are some of mine:

Swifties:
"I finished my apprenticeship," he said extraneously.
"Trump runs this place like some kind of Russian monarch," he said sardonically.
"That's one of those women from the teahouse," he said sagaciously.
"Your girlfriend, Teresa, is on the line," she said esoterically.
"His Honor is insane," he said judgmentally.
"I made those changes you wanted to the plans, sir," he said respectfully.
"The register is clogged with dog hair!" she said fervently.
"The appetizer choices are minestrone and tuna salad," he said superficially.
"I'll have the minestrone; I've given up seafood," she said officiously.
"My addiction to eBay will be the death of me," she said morbidly.
"Kenneth was like a brother to me," he said brokenly.
"My pen pal is in a French women's prison," he said laconically.
"I ate too much of that kangaroo steak," he said ruefully.
"I need a loaner while my wedding band is being repaired," she said despairingly.
"I charge by the stanza," he said perversely.
"This is my second trip to the bog," she said repeatedly.
"I gave him another loan, but it was smaller than the first one," he said relentlessly.
"We'll have our evening meal after the boat docks," she said supportively.
"My shift was canceled," she said unstintingly.
"I sentence the prisoner to death in the electric chair," he said concurrently.
"They got the patient's heart started again," he said repulsively.
"He may be a drunkard, but he's smart," she said quixotically.
"They hauled that former Kelly Girl before the judge," he said extemporaneously.
"Timothy can't control his impulses," she said timidly.
"I am NOT drunk; jusht watch me leave that Chryshler in the dusht," he said passionately.
"Edward, why don't you stop by and let me take your picture?" she said composedly.
"I've become a Rastafarian; what do you think of my hairdo?" he said dreadfully.
"You're asking for trouble if you camp in that ragged old thing," she said portentously.
"I'd have made the high honor roll except for that B in my 11th-period class," she said tenaciously.
"What is your wish, Master?" he said genially.
"Can't another masseuse work on that Steinem woman today?" she said miserably.
"I hoped you behaved yourself on 'Romper Room,' " she said dubiously.
(N.B.: To get this one, you need to know Boston):
"Everybody in the North End thinks that Garson woman was a lousy actress," he said disagreeably.

Croakers
"It's a breath mint!" he asserted.
"This conifer specimen should be planted between trees N and P," he opined.
"Alabama, Alaska, California ..." he stated.
"I'd like to order an extra-supportive mattress," he affirmed.
"Can we make another search?" she requested.
"I'm filing for worker's compensation," he claimed.
"It's not quite good enough to receive an N," he orated.
" ... get it!" she commanded.
"I wasn't this attractive before the surgery," she explained.
"I did so make another cake!" she retorted.
"You have to understand the significance of the crow's call," he commented.
"I've given up my religion," he decreed.
"Ms. Bloom, Ms. Danes, you're both fired!" he declared.
"Let me tell you how I lost weight," she expounded.
"That lawn was planted with prison labor," he conceded.
"The prisoner holds the key to solving the mystery," he concluded.
"So what you're saying is, you want to wear your mink coat," he inferred.
"Someone wrecked my beautiful new Swedish car!" she sobbed.
"Hey, y'all, I'm down here! In this valley!" he hollered.
"The stool sample j-just slipped off the counter," she faltered.
"I love 'All Quiet on the Western Front,' " he remarked.
"Someday President Roosevelt will return from the dead," he theorized.
"The unknown in this equation is how many apples he swallowed whole," he excoriated.

I got about half of these, LOL.  Romper Room--dubiously and grades--tenaciously had me grinning!
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Diane AKA Traska on June 01, 2012, 05:43:38 PM
"I really like cartoons!" he said animatedly.
"I would love to finish putting together my monster, but I seem to be missing a part," he said absentmindedly.
"My girlfriend's trying out for the pep squad," he said cheerily.
"I have a package to deliver to Mr Michaels, c/o Saturday Night Live," he said forlornly.
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: JonGirl on June 01, 2012, 11:42:54 PM
"I really like cartoons!" he said animatedly.
"I would love to finish putting together my monster, but I seem to be missing a part," he said absentmindedly.
"My girlfriend's trying out for the pep squad," he said cheerily.
"I have a package to deliver to Mr Michaels, c/o Saturday Night Live," he said forlornly.


 ;D
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Mental Magpie on June 02, 2012, 01:46:42 AM
"She's pretty, but there are much hotter women" he said objectively.

Here we go again.
Locked in a battle of wits and me unarmed.

He is making women objects...does that help?
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: White Dragon on June 02, 2012, 01:25:13 PM
"She's pretty, but there are much hotter women" he said objectively.

Here we go again.
Locked in a battle of wits and me unarmed.

He is making women objects...does that help?

Oh, I totally got it.  ;D
I was happily trotting out a few witicisms and Traska totally blew me out of the pond with her more numerous (and better constructed) jokes.
I was just expressing my chagrin.  ;D
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Mental Magpie on June 02, 2012, 05:38:43 PM
"She's pretty, but there are much hotter women" he said objectively.

Here we go again.
Locked in a battle of wits and me unarmed.

He is making women objects...does that help?

Oh, I totally got it.  ;D
I was happily trotting out a few witicisms and Traska totally blew me out of the pond with her more numerous (and better constructed) jokes.
I was just expressing my chagrin.  ;D

Ah, I see.  Sorry!  Please continue with your regularly scheduled programming...:D
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Diane AKA Traska on June 02, 2012, 10:31:08 PM
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One of them looks at the other one and says 'Do you smell fish?'

If we're going down that road... >:D

Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

A horse walked into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

A guy walks into a bar...ouch!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Mental Magpie on June 02, 2012, 11:13:36 PM
"You can put his headstone there," Tom said gravely.
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Harriet on June 02, 2012, 11:56:11 PM
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One of them looks at the other one and says 'Do you smell fish?'

If we're going down that road... >:D

Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

A horse walked into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

A guy walks into a bar...ouch!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

SNORFLE
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Diane AKA Traska on June 03, 2012, 01:35:57 AM
"The escaped prisoner went down there!" he said condescendingly.
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Slartibartfast on June 03, 2012, 02:47:50 AM
"The escaped prisoner went down there!" he said condescendingly.

LOL (no really, I did!)
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Mental Magpie on June 03, 2012, 10:39:16 AM
"The escaped prisoner went down there!" he said condescendingly.

LOL (no really, I did!)

So did I!  The other con one (about the electric chair) may be my new favorite joke!
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: White Dragon on June 03, 2012, 12:00:49 PM
"The spy gave up the information", he said tellingly.

"The prisoner is a surprisingly good poet," he said conversely.

"That prisoner hit me," he said constructively.

Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Diane AKA Traska on June 03, 2012, 12:27:53 PM
"I've been working on writing a program to make the system more efficient for the nurses in Maternity" he said awkwardly.
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: JadeAngel on June 03, 2012, 09:41:30 PM
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One of them looks at the other one and says 'Do you smell fish?'

If we're going down that road... >:D

Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

A horse walked into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

A guy walks into a bar...ouch!

Two men walk into a bar... you would think the second one would have seen it coming.

A rabbi, a nun and Elvis walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says 'What is this, some kind of joke?'
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Virg on June 04, 2012, 10:03:29 AM
A hamburger walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "You'll have to leave.  We don't serve food here."

Okay, it's not a stumper, but it does confuse the younger set.

Virg
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: pendragon1980 on June 04, 2012, 10:07:08 AM
A man walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables around his neck.

Bartender says "Okay, I'll serve you but don't start anything."
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: hyzenthlay on June 10, 2012, 09:29:14 PM
A string walks into a bar, the barman look sup and says  "Sorry but you'll have to leave, we don't serve string here."

The string steps outside, roughs himself up a little and ties himself in a bow, and goes back in the bar.

The barman looks up suspicious. 'We don't serve string here, are you a string?'

"No" replies the string "I'm a frayed knot."
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Diane AKA Traska on June 10, 2012, 10:20:41 PM
The bartender says "We don't serve faster than light particles in here."
A tachyon walks into a bar.
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Slartibartfast on June 10, 2012, 10:58:40 PM
The bartender says "We don't serve faster than light particles in here."
A tachyon walks into a bar.

Okay, I LOLed at this one too  ;D
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Cutenoob on June 10, 2012, 11:56:44 PM
A patient was talking to his psychiatrist about some dreams he'd had.
"Doc, I had a dream 2 nights ago. It was weird. There was a teepee behind me, I was dragging it along the road with a rope. What in the heck!"
Doc asked, "What was the other dream?"
Patient answered, "Well, it's really really odd too. In that dream I was doing something similar, but it was a wigwam. I was pulling a wigwam on a rope down the road. This..bothers me."
Doc said, "I think I know."
Patient asked, "what? What does this all mean?"
Doc said, "you're just too tents."
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Thipu1 on June 11, 2012, 09:50:18 AM
There is a thing called the 'Ancient Egyptian Alphabet'.  We've all probably seen it from time to time.  Each glyph corresponds to a letter in Western alphabets.  It is used to have someone's name spelled in Egyptian on cartouche jewelry.  children also enjoy the code aspect of the thing. 

Two of the glyphs were a hand and a forearm. 

Toward the end of the Cold War, an odd visual joke was making the rounds in Egyptological circles.  It was a modified chart without the two glyphs. 

The joke was that this was 'Uniliteral Disarmament'.         
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Ms_Cellany on June 11, 2012, 09:52:48 AM
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?

/elephant/*/grape/*sin(theta)
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: readingchick on June 13, 2012, 04:29:30 PM
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?

/elephant/*/grape/*sin(theta)

*sheepishly raises her hand* I'm sorry, Ms_Cellany, but I don't quite get this one.....
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: twiggy on June 13, 2012, 04:47:28 PM
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Ellifino (Ell-if-I-no)
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Sensei Otousan on June 13, 2012, 05:16:20 PM
The student asks the cow, "Does the dog have Buddha nature?"  The cow replies, "Moo."

Virg

It's actually the Japanese word "mu". It means basically to unask the question.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mu_%28negative%29
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Mental Magpie on June 13, 2012, 08:49:36 PM
The student asks the cow, "Does the dog have Buddha nature?"  The cow replies, "Moo."

Virg

It's actually the Japanese word "mu". It means basically to unask the question.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mu_%28negative%29

He addressed that when I asked him to explain it to me because I didn't get it.  Thanks for following up, though.
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: KenveeB on June 13, 2012, 09:43:52 PM
I have no jokes, but I'm posting for updates. These are great!
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Ms_Cellany on June 15, 2012, 10:04:30 AM
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?

/elephant/*/grape/*sin(theta)
*sheepishly raises her hand* I'm sorry, Ms_Cellany, but I don't quite get this one.....

It's a joke on vector mathematics. Vectors have both magnitude and direction. (Winds are vectors, for instance: 5 mph north, 20 mph west). In a "cross" operation, you take the absolute value (magnitude) of each vector times the sine of the angle between them. 

The symbol for absolute value is two vertical lines, which i don't have on my keyboard. 

For the wind example, it would be /5/*/20/*sin(90)

A regular old number is called a scalar, and can't be used in this type of equation. Which leads to the next joke: "What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?  Nothing. A mountain climber is a scaler."
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: bopper on June 15, 2012, 12:58:08 PM
The bartender says "We don't serve faster than light particles in here."
A tachyon walks into a bar.

Okay, I LOLed at this one too  ;D
Me too!
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Pioneer on June 15, 2012, 01:11:47 PM
What grows down as it grows up?
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: White Dragon on June 15, 2012, 04:02:35 PM
What grows down as it grows up?

Roots?
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Ms_Cellany on June 15, 2012, 04:09:58 PM
What grows down as it grows up?

A duck!
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Pioneer on June 15, 2012, 04:19:51 PM
What grows down as it grows up?

A duck!

Ms_Cellany wins.  Also an acceptable answer: A goose!
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: readingchick on June 15, 2012, 06:31:55 PM
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?

/elephant/*/grape/*sin(theta)
*sheepishly raises her hand* I'm sorry, Ms_Cellany, but I don't quite get this one.....

It's a joke on vector mathematics. Vectors have both magnitude and direction. (Winds are vectors, for instance: 5 mph north, 20 mph west). In a "cross" operation, you take the absolute value (magnitude) of each vector times the sine of the angle between them. 

The symbol for absolute value is two vertical lines, which i don't have on my keyboard. 

For the wind example, it would be /5/*/20/*sin(90)

A regular old number is called a scalar, and can't be used in this type of equation. Which leads to the next joke: "What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?  Nothing. A mountain climber is a scaler."
Thanks for clearing it up, Ms_Cellany. I appreciate it very much.
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Slartibartfast on June 26, 2012, 04:34:38 PM
So a plagiarist walks into somebody else's bar . . .
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: RooRoo on July 18, 2012, 03:12:37 PM
I'm afraid I write this even worse than I tell it.

Twas the night o' the last supper, it was, an Jaysus is sittin' round the table wit' all the disciples around him. His face is sad, and he turns to Payter, and "Payter," he sez, "I'm hearin' that one of yez will be betrayin' me this night. Could it be you?" Payter, he sez,

"Oh never, Jaysus, I'd never be doin' such a t'ing!" So Jaysus, he asks all around to everybody, and they're all tellin' him the same as Payter. There's not a one as would ever betray him. Jaysus, he finally gets to Judas, and he's askin' him, "Judas, me bhoy, be tellin' me it's not you!" and Judas, he sez,

"Why, old man, whatever makes you think that?"
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: purplemuse on July 20, 2012, 09:55:51 PM
A husband and wife are having an argument over who has to make the coffee in the morning. Neither of them wants to do it, so, being Christians, they decide to consult the Bible, and agree that they will abide by whatever it says.

So they spend a few minutes poring over their Bibles, and finally, the wife calls out: "Aha! It says right here in the Bible that the man is supposed to make the coffee!"

Her husband, is of course, skeptical, and asks her where she found that.

She points to her Bible, and says: "Right here. See, it says 'He brews.'"
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: wendelenn on July 20, 2012, 10:18:45 PM
A husband and wife are having an argument over who has to make the coffee in the morning. Neither of them wants to do it, so, being Christians, they decide to consult the Bible, and agree that they will abide by whatever it says.

So they spend a few minutes poring over their Bibles, and finally, the wife calls out: "Aha! It says right here in the Bible that the man is supposed to make the coffee!"

Her husband, is of course, skeptical, and asks her where she found that.

She points to her Bible, and says: "Right here. See, it says 'He brews.'"

I think we've gone from stumpers to groaners :)
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Mental Magpie on July 20, 2012, 10:22:34 PM
I'm afraid I write this even worse than I tell it.

Twas the night o' the last supper, it was, an Jaysus is sittin' round the table wit' all the disciples around him. His face is sad, and he turns to Payter, and "Payter," he sez, "I'm hearin' that one of yez will be betrayin' me this night. Could it be you?" Payter, he sez,

"Oh never, Jaysus, I'd never be doin' such a t'ing!" So Jaysus, he asks all around to everybody, and they're all tellin' him the same as Payter. There's not a one as would ever betray him. Jaysus, he finally gets to Judas, and he's askin' him, "Judas, me bhoy, be tellin' me it's not you!" and Judas, he sez,

"Why, old man, whatever makes you think that?"

I admit that I don't get it.  I see that the "that" is out of character for the accent of everyone else, but that's about it.
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: violinp on July 20, 2012, 11:03:04 PM
I'm afraid I write this even worse than I tell it.

Twas the night o' the last supper, it was, an Jaysus is sittin' round the table wit' all the disciples around him. His face is sad, and he turns to Payter, and "Payter," he sez, "I'm hearin' that one of yez will be betrayin' me this night. Could it be you?" Payter, he sez,

"Oh never, Jaysus, I'd never be doin' such a t'ing!" So Jaysus, he asks all around to everybody, and they're all tellin' him the same as Payter. There's not a one as would ever betray him. Jaysus, he finally gets to Judas, and he's askin' him, "Judas, me bhoy, be tellin' me it's not you!" and Judas, he sez,

"Why, old man, whatever makes you think that?"

I admit that I don't get it.  I see that the "that" is out of character for the accent of everyone else, but that's about it.

Um...Jesus is God and is omniscient? Other than that, I got nothin'.
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Iris on July 21, 2012, 12:24:13 AM
I'm afraid I write this even worse than I tell it.

Twas the night o' the last supper, it was, an Jaysus is sittin' round the table wit' all the disciples around him. His face is sad, and he turns to Payter, and "Payter," he sez, "I'm hearin' that one of yez will be betrayin' me this night. Could it be you?" Payter, he sez,

"Oh never, Jaysus, I'd never be doin' such a t'ing!" So Jaysus, he asks all around to everybody, and they're all tellin' him the same as Payter. There's not a one as would ever betray him. Jaysus, he finally gets to Judas, and he's askin' him, "Judas, me bhoy, be tellin' me it's not you!" and Judas, he sez,

"Why, old man, whatever makes you think that?"

I admit that I don't get it.  I see that the "that" is out of character for the accent of everyone else, but that's about it.

Um...Jesus is God and is omniscient? Other than that, I got nothin'.

I interpreted it as Jesus is Irish, and so is 'Payter' and presumably the other disciples, but then when he gets to Judas Judas has an upper class English accent ('old man' and all that). So an Irish-English joke.
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Mental Magpie on July 21, 2012, 09:22:47 AM
I'm afraid I write this even worse than I tell it.

Twas the night o' the last supper, it was, an Jaysus is sittin' round the table wit' all the disciples around him. His face is sad, and he turns to Payter, and "Payter," he sez, "I'm hearin' that one of yez will be betrayin' me this night. Could it be you?" Payter, he sez,

"Oh never, Jaysus, I'd never be doin' such a t'ing!" So Jaysus, he asks all around to everybody, and they're all tellin' him the same as Payter. There's not a one as would ever betray him. Jaysus, he finally gets to Judas, and he's askin' him, "Judas, me bhoy, be tellin' me it's not you!" and Judas, he sez,

"Why, old man, whatever makes you think that?"

I admit that I don't get it.  I see that the "that" is out of character for the accent of everyone else, but that's about it.

Um...Jesus is God and is omniscient? Other than that, I got nothin'.

I interpreted it as Jesus is Irish, and so is 'Payter' and presumably the other disciples, but then when he gets to Judas Judas has an upper class English accent ('old man' and all that). So an Irish-English joke.

Ah!  I knew it had something to do with the accents, I just couldn't figure out it.  Thank you!
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Adelaide on July 25, 2012, 03:48:41 PM
Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side! :D
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: MissNomer on July 29, 2012, 02:33:57 PM
Here's a language joke:

What did Freud say comes between fear and sex?

Fünf!
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: MizB on July 29, 2012, 07:09:33 PM
Tim walks into the doctors office and tells the receptionist, "ma'am I've got the shingles." she says "okay we will get you in with the doctor as soon as possible." So Tim sits in the waiting room until he gets called back. Finally the nurse comes out and asks him "what are we doing for you today?" Tim responds "ma'am I've got the shingles." the nurse says "oh no we will get your vitals started and the doctor will be in" and she leaves sending in a second nurse. The second nurse asks Tim again what they are seeing him for and he again responds "ma'am I've got the shingles." as he finishes his explanation the doctor walks in and Tim tells him "look doc, all I need is to know where to deliver your shingles."
Title: Re: Stumper jokes
Post by: Cutenoob on July 30, 2012, 08:06:01 PM
"Roof Roof" to the shingles :P