Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Family and Children => Topic started by: sejeroo on June 07, 2012, 01:04:28 PM

Title: Wedding Gift inequality
Post by: sejeroo on June 07, 2012, 01:04:28 PM
Dh has three siblings- all three siblings have one child getting married this summer.

We are closer to two of his nieces/nephews- we see these two at get-togethers, family functions, picnics, etc . We are in contact with them via Facebook, email, phone calls, etc. We almost never see the other one at all (in fact, I have only met him once, at my wedding)

Would it be rude to give more to the nieces/nephews that we are closer to? (I was thinking we will probably give monetary gifts)

I feel that it would be rude to give different gifts- since the relation is the same- but then, a part of me feels that since the relationship is different, it's ok.



Title: Re: Wedding Gift inequality
Post by: icfrugal2 on June 07, 2012, 01:08:40 PM
I think that the gifts should be equal I have the same thing two sisters two weddings this coming year.
Title: Re: Wedding Gift inequality
Post by: WillyNilly on June 07, 2012, 01:09:28 PM
Its fine.

But you know what would be rude?  For the couples to compare the gifts they got.
Title: Re: Wedding Gift inequality
Post by: cheyne on June 07, 2012, 01:14:04 PM
I believe that you gift people by your closeness to them as individuals at their individual events.  If the three "kids" were all at your house for Christmas, then you shouldn't give unequal gifts.  But the weddings will be individual events in each of their lives, so I don't believe that the gifts need to be exactly the same.

However, I wouldn't make a huge disparity in the amounts.  For example I wouldn't give closerniece and closernephew $500. each for their weddings and onetimenephew $50. for his, but $200. for the closer ones and $100. for onetime would be OK in my opinion.
Title: Re: Wedding Gift inequality
Post by: dawbs on June 07, 2012, 01:19:33 PM
I believe that you gift people by your closeness to them as individuals at their individual events.  If the three "kids" were all at your house for Christmas, then you shouldn't give unequal gifts.  But the weddings will be individual events in each of their lives, so I don't believe that the gifts need to be exactly the same.

However, I wouldn't make a huge disparity in the amounts.  For example I wouldn't give closerniece and closernephew $500. each for their weddings and onetimenephew $50. for his, but $200. for the closer ones and $100. for onetime would be OK in my opinion.
\

This, except I'd probably give the same amount of cash (assuming gift of cash, ignore if I"m in left field :)) to all of tehm and give something personal/meaningful to the closer ones as well...so the 'add on' isnt cash.
Title: Re: Wedding Gift inequality
Post by: Shoo on June 07, 2012, 01:33:23 PM
I know these things aren't supposed to be discussed, but I'd count on the info getting out.  For that reason, I think you need to keep the gifts equal.  The amount you'd save by giving one of the three less than the others would not be worth the family rift it could potentially create.

Remember, these three cousins might be close to each other, even if you aren't close to all of them. They might talk, or their parents might talk.  You just never know.
Title: Re: Wedding Gift inequality
Post by: ScubaGirl on June 07, 2012, 01:36:11 PM
For high school graduations I have given the children of my brothers $100 gift cards to the bookstore of the college they will be attending.  For my sister's daughter I gave her a check for $500.  My relationship to my sister's daughters is so much closer.  It isn't so much that I see them more (actually, about the same as one brother's kids), it is they have always reciprocated what I have done for them - saying "thank you" and asking how I am and making me feel like a part of their lives, not just an Aunt who doles out gifts at the right time.  They are the first to jump up and offer me their seats, they ask how I and DH are doing, they have given me their private email addresses and write, etc. 

I had no hesitation when I wrote that $500 check.
Title: Re: Wedding Gift inequality
Post by: Outdoor Girl on June 07, 2012, 01:52:29 PM
I really like dawbs idea - gift them the same amount of money and add a physical, meaningful gift to the two you are closer to.  I knit and crochet so were I in your position, I could make them an afghan in their prefered colours, for example, and not bother for the one I wasn't as close to.  (I only have one brother, who has only two sons, so it isn't a concern for me.  Unless something drastic happens, I'll be gifting them equally when the time comes.)
Title: Re: Wedding Gift inequality
Post by: sparksals on June 07, 2012, 02:10:36 PM
Nothing can hurt feelings more or make someone feel they have an inferior place in your (general) life than disparity in gifts.  I'm with Shoo.  You may not be close to them, but they may be and they may talk.  I remember my mom asking what we got from certain people. 

I can see a convo like this:

Close relative 1:  "Wow, Sejeroo gave us $500 for a wedding gift!"
Close Relative 2:  "That's what we got too!  How generous of her!"
Unclose relative 3:  "Hmmmm am I chopped liver?  We got $100."


Title: Re: Wedding Gift inequality
Post by: yokozbornak on June 07, 2012, 02:17:44 PM
I think it's fine to give the ones you are closer to more.  That's the nature of relationships. Honestly, even if they compare notes, I can't imagine him getting upset that a relative he met once didn't give him as large a gift as the cousins that the relative is close to.   
Title: Re: Wedding Gift inequality
Post by: fountainof on June 07, 2012, 02:21:31 PM
If they are siblings I would gift the same, if not I don't think it matters.  I gift a bit more to fancier weddings so I have gifted some cousins different amounts.
Title: Re: Wedding Gift inequality
Post by: WillyNilly on June 07, 2012, 02:23:40 PM
If they are siblings I would gift the same, if not I don't think it matters.  I gift a bit more to fancier weddings so I have gifted some cousins different amounts.

I think they are cousins:

Dh has three siblings- all three siblings have one child getting married this summer.
Title: Re: Wedding Gift inequality
Post by: Bibliophile on June 07, 2012, 02:32:00 PM
I think that all should get the same amount.  It will get out.  If the 3rd person isn't that close to you before receiving the lesser amount, they never will be close after they find out.  I think it's just asking for trouble.
Title: Re: Wedding Gift inequality
Post by: sparksals on June 07, 2012, 02:38:45 PM
I think that all should get the same amount.  It will get out.  If the 3rd person isn't that close to you before receiving the lesser amount, they never will be close after they find out.  I think it's just asking for trouble.

I have to pod this.
Title: Re: Wedding Gift inequality
Post by: sejeroo on June 07, 2012, 02:49:01 PM
Thanks everyone!

I will do equal wedding gifts- and I like the idea of giving the two we are closer to something non-monetary in addition (maybe at a later date, like as a house warming, or just a "we thought you would like this" gift)

I appreciate all the feedback!

Title: Re: Wedding Gift inequality
Post by: apple on June 08, 2012, 07:54:30 AM
I'm coming in late to this question, but we have faced this same situation, and we treat all of our nieces and nephews identically.

When cash is a gift (and it usually is for us), I think it's especially important. It would be impossible to camouflage inequalities.

One thing that influences me is that the parents of these nieces and nephews love and value them, and wouldn't want to see one favored over the other.

If you have a closer relationship with a few, you can continue that by showing interest in their plans, talking to them about the event, etc.


Title: Re: Wedding Gift inequality
Post by: kudeebee on June 08, 2012, 10:12:30 PM
Let me ask you this.  If you say one you aren't close to on the street without one of his parents, would he recognize you or would you recognize him?

I think it is fine to give the ones you are closer to a bigger present than the one that you rarely see.  You can do it moneywise or by selecting an additional gift from their registry.
Title: Re: Wedding Gift inequality
Post by: HenrysMom on June 09, 2012, 09:54:48 AM
Let me ask you this.  If you say one you aren't close to on the street without one of his parents, would he recognize you or would you recognize him?

I think it is fine to give the ones you are closer to a bigger present than the one that you rarely see.  You can do it moneywise or by selecting an additional gift from their registry.

This.
Title: Re: Wedding Gift inequality
Post by: chicajojobe on June 09, 2012, 07:10:00 PM
It doesn't even have to be entirely equal, but, for example, giving one couple a trip to Hawaii, and the other a toaster is asking for trouble. So I'd say just not too big a gap between gifts, but you can give the couple you know better a somewhat unequal gift (be it in terms of cost or sentimental value) is acceptable, just keep it within reason!
Title: Re: Wedding Gift inequality
Post by: gramma dishes on June 09, 2012, 08:49:17 PM
...   I gift a bit more to fancier weddings ...

Just curious.  Why?
Title: Re: Wedding Gift inequality
Post by: gramma dishes on June 09, 2012, 08:52:39 PM
I'm coming in late to this question, but we have faced this same situation, and we treat all of our nieces and nephews identically.

When cash is a gift (and it usually is for us), I think it's especially important. It would be impossible to camouflage inequalities.

One thing that influences me is that the parents of these nieces and nephews love and value them, and wouldn't want to see one favored over the other.

If you have a closer relationship with a few, you can continue that by showing interest in their plans, talking to them about the event, etc.

We do the same thing for the same reason.  We have three nieces and three nephews.  We gave each of them the same amount of money for their weddings.  The only adjustment we made was that the very last wedding was several years after all the others so we added $25 as a kind of acknowledgement of a "cost of living" increase.   :-\
Title: Re: Wedding Gift inequality
Post by: johelenc1 on June 11, 2012, 10:29:12 PM
There's no way that giving the kids different amounts of money is going to end well.  I would give them the same amount of cash gift and then take the ones you are most close to out for a special dinner or send a special additional "after the honeymoon" or "housewarming" or "three month anniversary" tangible gift as well.  If it arrives after the wedding in non wedding paper and with a non wedding card, the kids who get them might not think to mention them to the others.