Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Techno-quette => Topic started by: s on June 30, 2012, 09:35:35 PM

Title: Slight update #13 & #20, FB - Everyone's invited but me... awkward...
Post by: s on June 30, 2012, 09:35:35 PM
So a group of my friends/co-workers apparently got together today and posted a picture on facebook.  These are people I'm all friendly with and have seen outside of work before.  In fact, one co-worker in particular, we get together at least once a month and go to this club.  It seems really rude that they would post a picture like that so that I can see it.  It's hard not to feel hurt.  It would be different if it were friends that I hadn't hung out with or seen in forever.  Where they went/what they were doing is something I would've been interested in.  I don't know why they would think I wouldn't be interested or if they just thought I'd say no just because DH and I just stay home with each other a lot.  I'm also going to school, but even though the weekend of our monthly club going a couple months ago fell on a week that I had tons of homework, I made it happen and still got my homework done!  I commented "I wanna do that!" as kind of a hint that hey I can see this and I obviously wasn't invited when everyone else was.  I don't know how I should act and that if I remain hurt that things will be awkward at work.  It kind of makes me feel like if I do get invited to something in the future I'd wonder if they really meant it and don't know if I'd want to go.  I'm also thinking if I should even go to the monthly clubbing night next month.  I know that sounds irrational and silly but this is a hurtful and awkward situation and I just don't know how to deal...   :-[


ETA: Just wanted to add that it also couldn't have been that they're single and I'm married b/c one of them in the picture has a longterm BF and another one is married. 
Title: Re: FB - Everyone's invited but me... awkward...
Post by: diesel_darlin on June 30, 2012, 11:08:24 PM
I have friends that do this to me as well. Then they complain that they never get to see me.  ::)
Title: Re: FB - Everyone's invited but me... awkward...
Post by: TheVapors on July 01, 2012, 12:01:04 AM
I think if this is a one time incident then you're better off letting it go/giving everyone the benefit of the doubt.

It's very possible that no one thought to invite you for a myriad of reasons. I can absolutely sympathize with the "Aww man, I would've liked to hang out and do that" feeling. But at this stage, over one picture, it'd be a bit premature to start wondering about every single future event.

Do what you do when you normally put something out of your mind.

If you see this becoming a pattern (as in more than just this one incident), then my answer changes. I'd likely talk to my closest friend within that group and say something like, "Hey, <friend name>, I feel a little awkward about something. I can see when you and the gang get together and post pictures on facebook. We all have hung out many times before, and I was wondering if there's a reason that I'm no longer invited out to these things."
Title: Re: FB - Everyone's invited but me... awkward...
Post by: WestAussieGirl on July 01, 2012, 12:19:54 AM
Sometimes these things just happen.  Maybe two people made plans to hang out and then someone else heard them and said they'd like to join etc etc and they didn't "invite" anyone.  I totally sympathise with your hurt but unless you see a pattern, try not to take it to heart.
Title: Re: FB - Everyone's invited but me... awkward...
Post by: Roe on July 01, 2012, 08:03:54 AM
I think if this is a one time incident then you're better off letting it go/giving everyone the benefit of the doubt.

It's very possible that no one thought to invite you for a myriad of reasons. I can absolutely sympathize with the "Aww man, I would've liked to hang out and do that" feeling. But at this stage, over one picture, it'd be a bit premature to start wondering about every single future event.

Do what you do when you normally put something out of your mind.

If you see this becoming a pattern (as in more than just this one incident), then my answer changes. I'd likely talk to my closest friend within that group and say something like, "Hey, <friend name>, I feel a little awkward about something. I can see when you and the gang get together and post pictures on facebook. We all have hung out many times before, and I was wondering if there's a reason that I'm no longer invited out to these things."

Pod Vapors. If this is a one-time thing, I'd let it go.  Sometimes people get together "spur of the moment" and not everyone gets the information.  And if they do invite you in the future, go and have fun without reserve.  Sitting there thinking "do they really want me here" will be a waste of a good time.  That's reading wayyy too much into an invitation.  If you can't go without reserve, then decline the invite.  That'll be better than sitting there with those type of thoughts.
Title: Re: FB - Everyone's invited but me... awkward...
Post by: SleepyKitty on July 01, 2012, 10:17:47 AM
I think you ought to file this under the "not everyone gets invited to everything" category. I completely understand how you feel - sometimes it can be disappointing to see pictures of fun things on FB that you didn't get to go to. Just remember that they likely didn't post a pic trying to rub it in your face - FB is a public network, and some people have large friends lists. It's not practical to only post things on FB that include everyone who attended that particular event. I can also think of a lot of reasons why you may have not been invited to this particular gathering, none of which include them not actually wanting you there.

I'm also one of those people who stays home a lot. People have gotten used to me declining more invitations than I accept, so I don't get invitations nearly as often as others do. It's absolutely nothing personal, and it does mean that I miss out on things I would have wanted to do sometimes, but that's the consequence of declining more than accepting. I don't know for sure this is your situation, but if it is, just remember that it doesn't reflect on the friendship, just the frequency of accepting/declining invites. Don't skip the monthly clubbing - that sends the message that you don't want to hang out with them, and will likely only decrease the invitations. IME, the best way to be invited to more things to is go to more things.
Title: Re: FB - Everyone's invited but me... awkward...
Post by: KenveeB on July 01, 2012, 10:34:37 AM
I have a group of friends I get together with a lot, but sometimes they do stuff without me, or the rest of us do stuff without one or two of the others. Usually it's a situation of two people deciding to do something, then the others getting randomly added one by one for different reasons without ever being an intention of "the group" getting together. Or others finding out about it one by one and just coming along without anyone ever actually inviting them. I actually prefer it that way, where you can have more spontaneous gatherings without feeling like you have to seek out everyone and make sure they're invited. You just know that they'll be a part of the next thing and others won't, and it'll all work out evenly in the end.

So unless this is a pattern, OP, I wouldn't read too much into it.
Title: Re: FB - Everyone's invited but me... awkward...
Post by: NyaChan on July 01, 2012, 11:47:52 AM
I also agree not to make too much of it unless it became a pattern.  To illustrate how this might easily happen without any malicious intent to exclude:

After a brutal-people-left-in-tears-final, my friend and I were going to go get a drink with our friends to celebrate being done with that subject.  Two of those girls were in the same class as I was, we ran into a couple more in the hallway as we left and passed on the message.  We get to the bar and after 30 minutes, "Where is Sarah?" "Did she say she was stopping at home first?"  "Well who told her?"  Cue silence.  Oops.  Sarah never let us forget it and two years later, STILL brings it up.  At first I apologized and told her that everyone thought someone else had run into her or texted her and we were so tired that it just didn't click until we were already there.  Now I just find it irritating that she won't let it go.
Title: Re: FB - Everyone's invited but me... awkward...
Post by: s on July 01, 2012, 07:14:46 PM
I also agree not to make too much of it unless it became a pattern.  To illustrate how this might easily happen without any malicious intent to exclude:

After a brutal-people-left-in-tears-final, my friend and I were going to go get a drink with our friends to celebrate being done with that subject.  Two of those girls were in the same class as I was, we ran into a couple more in the hallway as we left and passed on the message.  We get to the bar and after 30 minutes, "Where is Sarah?" "Did she say she was stopping at home first?"  "Well who told her?"  Cue silence.  Oops.  Sarah never let us forget it and two years later, STILL brings it up.  At first I apologized and told her that everyone thought someone else had run into her or texted her and we were so tired that it just didn't click until we were already there.  Now I just find it irritating that she won't let it go.


There is no way I'm going to directly tell them anything like that.  Someone did comment on my comment and said "Yeah you should do X it was awesome!"  So totally clueless that hey you were all there and I wasn't.  I'm feeling a bit better and we'll see how things go in the future.  I think it sucks that if you decline a lot of invitations that people just stop inviting you though, according to a previous poster.  I always invite people even if they're known for declining a lot.  I mean hey they just might surprise you and show up. I don't know if that applies in this particular situation because I've gone to the last several happy hours.  I used to not bother going because I was just always tired after work and we didn't have them a lot.  But I've been making more of an effort to try and be more social in general and get out.  I guess I was also hurt because it kind of felt familiar being left out.  I feel like all my life I've always been considered a good friend but not quite good enough and that I'm just left out of things whether it's being confided in, or invited to something, etc.  Or friends that I was once close with and aren't with anymore.  I feel that that's mostly on their side than mine.   :-\
Title: Re: FB - Everyone's invited but me... awkward...
Post by: greencat on July 01, 2012, 07:42:58 PM
Respond to their response with "So invite me next time!"

As far as frequently declining invites getting you removed from the list, that's actually proper etiquette...someone who is constantly unavailable appears to be trying to distance themselves from the friendship or social group.  It's what we advise people to do when they are constantly being asked to hang out by people they don't want to hang out with for whatever reason.  I've certainly been dropped off invite lists before because I had to keep turning down or canceling at the last minute because of my significant other, or had to constantly arrive late or leave early because of the difficulties involved in sharing transportation with him.

I had to work hard to restart my social life after my last relationship ended.  I literally accepted invitations to do anything for several months - even not-fun stuff like helping people move.
Title: Re: FB - Everyone's invited but me... awkward...
Post by: Isometric on July 01, 2012, 07:48:41 PM
I'd be really hurt as well. I'd stew on it, trying to think If I'd said or done something wrong.

Usually there is a good explanation. I'd message the person you're closest with and see what's going on. I know others would let it go, but I'm the type of person who would worry.
Title: Re: FB - Everyone's invited but me... awkward...
Post by: LifeOnPluto on July 01, 2012, 10:28:15 PM
I can totally see how this is hurtful.

The same thing happened to me once (back in high school). My closest friends all went to "Fun Event" without me. When I pointedly said that I would have liked to attend "Fun Event" too, they didn't take the hint, and merely said "Yeah, you should totally go, it's awesome!" (I think I responded by pointing out that I wouldn't have anyone to go with, since they'd all seen it already, and I think they got the message).

That said, unless this happens again, I'd try to let it go. Or you could ask the person whom you're closest to if there's a reason why you weren't invited. But I'm willing to bet it was a spur of the moment thing or something.
Title: Re: FB - Everyone's invited but me... awkward...
Post by: WillyNilly on July 02, 2012, 03:17:47 PM
I also agree not to make too much of it unless it became a pattern.  To illustrate how this might easily happen without any malicious intent to exclude:

After a brutal-people-left-in-tears-final, my friend and I were going to go get a drink with our friends to celebrate being done with that subject.  Two of those girls were in the same class as I was, we ran into a couple more in the hallway as we left and passed on the message.  We get to the bar and after 30 minutes, "Where is Sarah?" "Did she say she was stopping at home first?"  "Well who told her?"  Cue silence.  Oops.  Sarah never let us forget it and two years later, STILL brings it up.  At first I apologized and told her that everyone thought someone else had run into her or texted her and we were so tired that it just didn't click until we were already there.  Now I just find it irritating that she won't let it go.

Once years ago at a job some co-workers were talking about their great night out.  I smiled chatted a bit and excused myself.  One co-worker I was friendly with asked me later why I'd walked away.  And I said "oh I just felt weird that everyone was talking about an event I wasn't invited to."  My friend said "don't be ridiculous, you were invited!"  I said "no, I wasn't."  Friend repeated "of course you were, everyone enjoys your company."  I squared my shoulders and looked my friend right in the eye and said "no.  I was not invited.  I might have been welcome, but if no one tells me anything about it before it happens, I'm not invited.  I'm not psychic, I had no idea everyone was going out because no bothered to tell me.  Welcome and invited are not the same thing."  Then suddenly it clicked for friend:  I hadn't been invited.

Of course then I let it go.  But I have had to explain "welcome and invited are not the same thing" to a few people in the years since (usually when I'm making a point of asking "has anyone told so-and-so about the outing?")
Title: Re: FB - Everyone's invited but me... awkward...
Post by: s on July 02, 2012, 04:14:15 PM
So today I was forwarded an e-mail from a co-worker, Shelly.  Today is her birthday and apparently there was an e-mail chain going that I was not included in regarding going out to celebrate Shelly's birthday.  Shelly forwarded it to me and said she was sorry I wasn't included in the e-mail and that she wasn't the one that initiated it but that I was invited.  So this seems kind of suspicious since it's just after having not been invited to X this past weekend with the group.  I noticed Shelly was not in the picture or tagged in it from this past weekend, so she may not have been invited either.  Or maybe she was but declined, who knows.  Anyways, I unfortunately had to legitimately decline because I have classes until 9:30pm tonight after work, but I wished her a happy birthday.  I also said that I'd love for us to go to X (the place they are going for her birthday) for happy hour sometime in the future as it's a place I'd really love to try.
Title: Re: Slight update #13, FB - Everyone's invited but me... awkward...
Post by: whiskeytangofoxtrot on July 02, 2012, 04:49:55 PM
That kinda happened to me last week. A coworker and good friend mentioned a party being held for another coworker who recently re-married. It was way more uncomfortable for him than for me when he realized that apparently I hadn't been included. I did ask if perhaps the invites had been sent out via e-mail, because I'd had problems with receiving messages lately anyhow and might've just missed it. However, that that was not the case. Oh well. I thought the bride and I were on ok terms, but maybe she feels differently.  Anyhow, I tried to reassure my friend that it was ok, and that he shouldn't feel bad for mentioning it; I probably wouldn't have been able to attend anyhow because I already had other plans (mostly true). Other than being a bit disappointed to be left out, it didn't bother me much if it was a deliberate omission, but I did walk away glad that a 3rd party was present for the conversation, so it can't be said that I ignored an invite rather than not receiving one. And if being left out is an indicator that I'm not part of the office "cool kids", then ok, so noted. I do wonder if I should send the recent bride a congratulatory card anyhow, though...
Title: Re: Slight update #13, FB - Everyone's invited but me... awkward...
Post by: GlindaBunny on July 02, 2012, 05:04:12 PM
(((virtual hugs)))

I don't have any advice, but I hope they don't exclude you again, whether it was deliberate or not.  It hurts.  :(
Title: Re: Slight update #13, FB - Everyone's invited but me... awkward...
Post by: Jaelle on July 02, 2012, 08:59:27 PM
Hugs from me too. That stinks no matter what caused it.

As far as invitations dwindling due to declines ... well, that happened to DH. He has (had?) this immense pack of very close friends ... most of them since elementary school, or at least high school. (DH is now in his early 40s.) We used to go out with them a lot. However, over the past eight years or so:

DH and I had son No. 1, who has a disability. Cue lots and lots of doctor and therapy appointments.
I went back to work full time when we had to start worrying about DH's job.
DH lost his job; eventually found a new one working all nights for much less money. That means I had to keep my full-time job working days, really curtailing our schedule.
We had DS No. 2.

Obviously, over these years, we really had to cut back on seeing people. :(  We really wanted to see them, but we didn't have much time, or money, and had to respond in the negative to invitations.

So perhaps I understand why the invitations dried up, but the fact was, it hurt. :(  We really didn't want to see people. And there were times when we might have been able to make something happen. But we didn't get the chance.

One of the DH's oldest friends was back in town one weekend ... something that rarely happens. DH would have loved to see him, and I would have moved heaven and earth to get him to any function where Friend would be. But we didn't get the chance. DH only found out about it a week after that fact in an offhand mention from another friend that he happened to run into at the grocery store.

He's still heartbroken about that.  :'( 
Title: Re: Slight update #13, FB - Everyone's invited but me... awkward...
Post by: greencat on July 02, 2012, 09:23:50 PM
It hurts to be dropped off the invite list, and it sucks, but remember that we also advise people who want to gently end friendships to constantly refuse invites with the excuse that they are too busy.  The implicit expectation is that invites being constantly turned down means that you don't want to receive them anymore.  Besides, events may have a limited body count due to venue, and I'd stop holding a space for people who could never come.
Title: Re: Slight update #13, FB - Everyone's invited but me... awkward...
Post by: KenveeB on July 02, 2012, 09:39:04 PM
I think that when you're in the position of constantly declining invitations, you have to show that you still want to socialize by offering invitations or planning things yourself. I have a weird schedule sometimes and can't make a lot of stuff my friends plan, so I make a point of occasionally hosting a party or asking someone out to lunch or suggesting a movie night. That way, even if my friends can't make everything either, they still know that I am interested in socializing with them and keep inviting me to their stuff. Otherwise, how are they supposed to know the difference between "I'm too busy to go out" and "geez, leave me alone already, I don't want to go out with you"?
Title: Re: FB - Everyone's invited but me... awkward...
Post by: LifeOnPluto on July 02, 2012, 10:27:53 PM
So today I was forwarded an e-mail from a co-worker, Shelly.  Today is her birthday and apparently there was an e-mail chain going that I was not included in regarding going out to celebrate Shelly's birthday.  Shelly forwarded it to me and said she was sorry I wasn't included in the e-mail and that she wasn't the one that initiated it but that I was invited.  So this seems kind of suspicious since it's just after having not been invited to X this past weekend with the group.  I noticed Shelly was not in the picture or tagged in it from this past weekend, so she may not have been invited either.  Or maybe she was but declined, who knows.  Anyways, I unfortunately had to legitimately decline because I have classes until 9:30pm tonight after work, but I wished her a happy birthday.  I also said that I'd love for us to go to X (the place they are going for her birthday) for happy hour sometime in the future as it's a place I'd really love to try.

That really sucks. The only thing I can think of is perhaps they started discussing Shelly's birthday at the Other Event, and decided to contine the discussion via email at work. And because you weren't at Other Event, they didn't think to include you on the email list (or felt awkward about including you, as you weren't present during the original discussion at Other Event)?
Title: Re: FB - Everyone's invited but me... awkward...
Post by: s on July 03, 2012, 12:40:29 PM
So today I was forwarded an e-mail from a co-worker, Shelly.  Today is her birthday and apparently there was an e-mail chain going that I was not included in regarding going out to celebrate Shelly's birthday.  Shelly forwarded it to me and said she was sorry I wasn't included in the e-mail and that she wasn't the one that initiated it but that I was invited.  So this seems kind of suspicious since it's just after having not been invited to X this past weekend with the group.  I noticed Shelly was not in the picture or tagged in it from this past weekend, so she may not have been invited either.  Or maybe she was but declined, who knows.  Anyways, I unfortunately had to legitimately decline because I have classes until 9:30pm tonight after work, but I wished her a happy birthday.  I also said that I'd love for us to go to X (the place they are going for her birthday) for happy hour sometime in the future as it's a place I'd really love to try.

That really sucks. The only thing I can think of is perhaps they started discussing Shelly's birthday at the Other Event, and decided to contine the discussion via email at work. And because you weren't at Other Event, they didn't think to include you on the email list (or felt awkward about including you, as you weren't present during the original discussion at Other Event)?

Well the e-mail was initiated by a co-worker that Shelly is BFFs with outside of work.  I see them together all the time and I know she has seen me from when I used to sit near Shelly when we were on the same project.  Shelly's BFF may or may not know my name.  She stopped by my desk a month or so ago to drop off a baby announcement for Shelly, however, I'm guessing Shelly told BFF who she wanted to have those delivered to and gave BFF the names and then she found out where we sat and delivered them. 

Shelly and her BFF were not in this picture that appeared on facebook.  Again, I don't know if they were invited and declined or just not invited.  Anyways, usually when we have e-mail chains sometimes someone gets accidentally left off and someone will notice and respond to the whole group with the person that was left off CCed and say "Whoops we forgot to include so and so."  Most of the people on the e-mail chain were from the picture on facebook and no one spoke up except Shelly.

I did speak with my one co-worker, we'll call her Janie, that I go out to a club with monthly.  I just happened to be walking by looking for another co-worker and asked her if he was in yesterday.  I meant to wait to see if she reached out or approached me but I fell into my habit of socializing with her and commented on how nice her new hair color looked and was talking about the club we go to.  Things seemed normal unless she's totally faking it.  But I think if she didn't want to talk she would've used some social cues to indicate so or simply say she had to get back to work.  (she usually does that when she's not in a good mood)

I know I totally overanalyze  ::)  Anyways, it's really confusing but I guess I'll play it by ear and see what happens in the future...
Title: Re: Slight update #13, FB - Everyone's invited but me... awkward...
Post by: Winterlight on July 03, 2012, 04:05:34 PM
I think that when you're in the position of constantly declining invitations, you have to show that you still want to socialize by offering invitations or planning things yourself. I have a weird schedule sometimes and can't make a lot of stuff my friends plan, so I make a point of occasionally hosting a party or asking someone out to lunch or suggesting a movie night. That way, even if my friends can't make everything either, they still know that I am interested in socializing with them and keep inviting me to their stuff. Otherwise, how are they supposed to know the difference between "I'm too busy to go out" and "geez, leave me alone already, I don't want to go out with you"?

Good point. You might try initiating some events and inviting them, so they know you do want to hang out.