Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Techno-quette => Topic started by: RavenousEdenFleur on July 12, 2012, 03:37:59 PM

Title: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: RavenousEdenFleur on July 12, 2012, 03:37:59 PM
Today I was checking Facebook and a FB friend reposted his friends post and it was basically "There are people who are homeless and have cancer in the world so if you complain about the weather or anything else, I will block you. They aren't complaining about anything and you shouldn't" so there were some responses that it is in essence rude to call people out like that. I commented that it may have been better to just quietly defriend them or talk to them in private. The original person who posted this post blasted me over it saying she is from Colorado and a lot of people lost their homes in fires...

I assume it is pretty rude to call people out like that. Etiquette wise I assume in the future I need to just not post and ignore it myself, take a step back, because sometimes you cannot win an argument. It seems rude in general to argue about who has it worse.

It seems like in a situation like this there is a cycle of rudeness. When you keep pointing out other peoples rudeness.
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: hobish on July 12, 2012, 03:41:36 PM

So ... he was complaining about people complaining about thngs he deems not importtant enough to complain about? Bright one, is he? And of ourse no one who is homeless or has cancer ever complains about anything 'cuz they're living the dream - what would they have to complain about?  ::) I would not have been able to hold back the sarcasm there,  i am sure of it.

Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: violinp on July 12, 2012, 03:47:47 PM
It's not rude to complain about the weather, a bad hair day, or anything else. It's rude to complain about anything ad nauseam, but that's another etiquette situation altogether.

And I utterly despise people who try to moralize to me on how I should feel about something. I'm disappointed it's raining, but I know it's not the end of the world. This person gets bonus points for trying to beatify cancer survivors and the homeless. I'm sure they complain too, because they're human, and it's human nature to want to vent, especially when you're facing something as potentially life - threatening as cancer.

I'm sorry the original poster of the status on Facebook is trying to deal with the Colorado fires, but that doesn't excuse her from calling people out on supposed breaches of etiquette.
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: gingerzing on July 12, 2012, 03:50:47 PM
I am not complaining, I am blowing off steam. 
 ;)

Yeah, like I have never heard a homeless person complain about something petty* or a cancer patient (or their caregiver) be less than saintly**.
So I suppose it would be rude to tell them that there are things that they missed like:
 the starving children in Ethiopia
 the people who have heart disease
 domestic abuse victims
 the people who are in nursing homes that no-one visits.
etc

Notes
*I once was handing out free lunch at a downtown event and had a homeless person complain that there weren't more flavors of ice cream bars.
**I, sadly, know lots of people who have had cancer or who have been caregivers of cancer patients and most have done the whole "This sucks" and thrown fists in the air and howled with the unfairness of it all. 
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: s on July 12, 2012, 03:53:07 PM
I would defriend and block as well as block the poster from Colorado.  I just have no tolerance for that kind of stuff on facebook.

ETA: You could also comment that you will have to block them for complaining and then do so  ;)
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: SuperMartianRobotGirl on July 12, 2012, 03:57:20 PM
I would either a) tell her to block me, or b) block her.
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: crella on July 12, 2012, 05:28:47 PM
I would defriend and block as well as block the poster from Colorado.  I just have no tolerance for that kind of stuff on facebook.

ETA: You could also comment that you will have to block them for complaining and then do so  ;)


Neither do I. 'I know most of you won't bother', 'I know which ones of you will repost this' etc drives me up the wall. Shaming people into supporting a cause isn't the best way to motivate!
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: Nika on July 12, 2012, 05:36:53 PM
ETA: You could also comment that you will have to block them for complaining and then do so  ;)

Oh, I like that...  >:D
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: blarg314 on July 12, 2012, 08:23:51 PM

I think I'd just quietly block them and ignore.  It's not worth the hassle of arguing with them, and doing so will just feed their sense of moral superiority.
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: Ceallach on July 12, 2012, 10:00:26 PM
People like this miss the obvious logic step.  If we could only ever complain about things when nobody has it worse, then nobody could ever complain about anything.   There's always somebody in the world more worse off. 

Minimizing a person's problems as trivial simply because they are less severe than yours is very arrogant IMHO. (Unless that same person is showing no compassion or decency themselves in the way they are complaining about their *more* trivial concerns... obviously there is a line where a person becomes rude in their own complaining).  Yes, your "friend" was very rude.     

Now, I do have an example of complaints being relative / less severe, which while not quite "rude" did make us cringe a little.  One of my relatives is undergoing cancer treatment including both surgery and chemo.  Around the same time, another got into a severe, unexpected work accident and required surgery - with the potential of permanent paralysis, it was a VERY bad accident.   So when a younger relative posted a FB status about how she was joining the surgery club and all of them were sick together it seemed a little... well, off.  Why?  Because she was having a routine, scheduled tooth extraction.  NOT the same as the life threatening conditions her relatives were suffering from.  I don't want to post the wording she used as it's identifiable, and she meant well, but we all reacted with "Surely she didn't really say that??!!!" In that case it was relating her issue to the other issues that made it seem inappropriate.   Simply posting about her tooth extraction would have been fine.   

Saying you have had a bad day is fine. Saying "I know how the bush fire victims feel, I'm having such a bad day too! My boss is so mean!" is not ok.
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: CrochetFanatic on July 12, 2012, 10:18:03 PM
I would just ignore it as well.  It sometimes bothers me when something has happened in my family or I'm just in a lousy mood, and a Facebook friend complains about something as trivial (to me) as a hangnail or a movie they wanted to see being sold out.  That doesn't mean they don't have the right to complain about it.  As Ceallach said, there is always someone who has it worse. 

If he wants to block you, OP, then that's his choice.  He's the one with a chip on his shoulder.
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: TheVapors on July 12, 2012, 10:56:02 PM
Today I was checking Facebook and a FB friend reposted his friends post and it was basically "There are people who are homeless and have cancer in the world so if you complain about the weather or anything else, I will block you. They aren't complaining about anything and you shouldn't" so there were some responses that it is in essence rude to call people out like that. I commented that it may have been better to just quietly defriend them or talk to them in private. The original person who posted this post blasted me over it saying she is from Colorado and a lot of people lost their homes in fires...

I assume it is pretty rude to call people out like that. Etiquette wise I assume in the future I need to just not post and ignore it myself, take a step back, because sometimes you cannot win an argument. It seems rude in general to argue about who has it worse.

It seems like in a situation like this there is a cycle of rudeness. When you keep pointing out other peoples rudeness.

There are a few notes about etiquette that get talked about pretty often around the forums.

1) Instructing someone about their rudeness is rude. (If an adult doesn't say "please", I don't get to say "and what's the magic word?" to them. If I'm passing a person on the street, and they're chewing with their mouth open, I don't get to say, "Close your mouth, you're like a cow chewing cud.")

and

2) Retaliatory rudeness is just as bad as an original rudeness. (Someone doesn't hold the door open for me when I'm right behind them, I don't get to wait around and slam the door in their face when I see them next.)

They're discussed and debated to varying degrees, but I think that in general they're a good starting point.

I completely agree that there would be a never ending cycle of "you were rude for such and such" "but YOU were rude for such and such and also rude for calling me out" "but you were a rude hypocrite for calling ME out just then".

Plus, as mentioned, there'd also be a cycle of who on Earth has it the worst. That's not a fun game to play.

There are a few things going on with that woman's FB post.

First of all, I don't think the person who posted the "warning" was in the right. She could have, and should have quietly defriended or blocked people if they were annoying her. But, her goal was clearly not just to stop seeing the complaints. Her goal was to LOUDLY SHOUT TO THE WORLD HOW DISAPPOINTED SHE WAS AND SHAME ON PEOPLE WHO SHE DISAPPROVES OF AND I HOPE YOU ALL READ THIS AND FEEL BAD FOR COMPLAINING! She achieved her goal of announcing her feelings to the world. That's Facebook for ya. She can post whatever she likes on her page.

However, the beauty is that everyone who read her tantrum and rolled their eyes or clucked their tongues could just as easily have blocked her feed... or defriended her... or even laughed a bit and continued doing what they love to do with their own Facebook pages. Because no matter how disapproving this woman was, she really can't change what others do with their time. And so what if she blocks them? What do they care?

What would have spoken volumes is if everyone else quietly blocked or defriended her, and she ended up wondering why... That would have been poetic.
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: Iris on July 13, 2012, 03:04:31 AM
What, so because there are fires in California I can't be disappointed that it rained on the last day of my holidays?

Is there, somewhere, a blind, starving, beggar with cancer AND leprosy and only one leg that is allowed to complain? And the blind, starving beggar with cancer AND leprosy has to be a ray of sunshine because, hey, at least they have two legs, right?

I am torn on whether it was retaliatory rudeness to point out that their post was not on. If it had simply been a "I hate whingers" post then I would say ignore, block, unfriend without comment but this was a bit different. What makes it different to me was that they reposted another person's status and used it as a springboard to point out what a horrible whinger this other person was. To me that crosses into bullying and I don't think 'retaliatory rudeness' necessarily applies to calling out a bully.
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: TheVapors on July 13, 2012, 03:22:24 AM
[...] What makes it different to me was that they reposted another person's status and used it as a springboard to point out what a horrible whinger this other person was. To me that crosses into bullying and I don't think 'retaliatory rudeness' necessarily applies to calling out a bully.

I think the first two times I read it my eyes completely missed the part where it was a friend's friend's status that was reposted. Oi. *dizzy eyes* Reading over it, again, I don't think it makes the person who reposted the status look any better than the original poster who was whining about whiners.

Ahh, Facebook.
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: Hawkwatcher on July 13, 2012, 09:33:55 AM
Every time I see one of these posts, I wonder what the poster is doing to actually help homeless people or people with cancer.   In this case, the original poster could have posted links to the various charities that are helping victims of the Colorado fires.   Posting such links would have been more productive than trying to guilt her friends.
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: pierrotlunaire0 on July 13, 2012, 09:56:17 AM
I guess I would be inclined to ask:  what's the cut off?

Sure, the person who lost their entire family in a car accident is probably allowed to complain, but the person with the really bad hangnail shouldn't.  But at what point on the spectrum does your acquaintance deem it allowable for a complaint to be made?  And if I were posting on FB, I wouldn't restrain the snark either.
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: Reason on July 13, 2012, 10:11:23 AM
He sounds spoiled. However, it may be worth mentioning that it is not in fact culturally acceptable to complain everywhere. In Japan for example the acceptable response to something going wrong is "shogunai" or "It can't be helped".

Traffic was bad? Shogunai.
There was a hurricane during your wedding? Shogunai.
Train was 4 hours late and you missed your job interview? Shogunai.
Tourist slammed the taxi door on your fingers? Shogunai.

To a westerner that may sound dismissive and cold, but it's not. It's just how things work. If you do say something to complain, you will be considered to be rude by most people in the East. In Kuzminki, if you complain people think you are weak and stop taking you seriously etc.

I don't know if that's part of it. Probably not because his reason is "people have cancer" which sounds more like a lack of experience than anything. But there is that angle as well. The right to complain is not a given, especially if this person is not from the Americas.
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: Jones on July 13, 2012, 10:20:05 AM
Reason: Thank you for telling us about Shogunai...I know some people I need to use it on. Only those who text, Twitter or Facebook every half hour with a complaint; little over the top there.
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: JenJay on July 13, 2012, 10:28:19 AM

So ... he was complaining about people complaining about thngs he deems not importtant enough to complain about? Bright one, is he?

Exactly! I would have been so tempted to comment "Oh shoot, per your own rule, I have to block you because you complained about something frivolous!"  ;D
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: RavenousEdenFleur on July 13, 2012, 11:09:09 AM
Exactly because in the grand scheme of things complaining about other people complaining about "unimportant" things is really not very important in the grand scheme of life.

Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: CakeBeret on July 13, 2012, 11:12:57 AM
He sounds like a boor and I would defriend him preemptively.

There will always be someone who has it worse, but that doesn't make my problems any less valid. If someone is so offended by a person's status updates, they should hide, defriend, or block that person. I would be furious if someone reposted my status for the sole purpose of calling me out.

And who says people with cancer aren't complaining??
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: RavenousEdenFleur on July 13, 2012, 01:05:45 PM
I actually do have a friend battling breast cancer right now and sure she has her days of complaining, she gets annoyed at some of the same things she did before, and always asks how people are doing and will listen to them talk about troubles they are having, the world doesn't stop and it doesn't mean others aren't going through things that are hard for them. I have had a friend who has been functionally homeless for about a year now. She house sits, takes live in nanny jobs, has friends who can house her for a bit. She's stressed out beyond belief but I would never say to her "well my other friend has cancer, so shush!"

I blocked the person on FB and I wouldn't be surprised if others did as well.
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: artk2002 on July 13, 2012, 05:34:53 PM
Let's see now, we've got a whole bunch of things here: Slactivism (i.e. doing nothing for homeless people or those with cancer, but telling others that they aren't doing enough); a big dose of misplaced moral superiority (leavened with a dash of hypocrisy); emotional manipulation (nothing like using issues like homelessness and cancer to really twist the knife.)

There are two people in the world for whom the following is half true; for the rest of us, it's completely true:

No matter how good or how bad you have it, there's always going to be someone who has it worse than you do and someone who has it better than you do. That doesn't mean that you can't be happy for the things that make you happy, or complain about the things that make you unhappy. Just don't over do it. When listening to others say how good or bad they have it remember that no matter how trivial it seems to you, it may be very important to them. Don't force your idea of what's important onto others -- you'll always be disappointed.
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: ClaireC79 on July 14, 2012, 11:36:31 AM
I really hope he has a facebook friend with cancer who replies with 'well I have cancer and the weather is still horrible, wish it would stop raining and that my other half would stop picking his nose it's annoying'
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: hobish on July 16, 2012, 12:34:59 PM
I really hope he has a facebook friend with cancer who replies with 'well I have cancer and the weather is still horrible, wish it would stop raining and that my other half would stop picking his nose it's annoying'

...also i want a new car.
:)
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: TootsNYC on July 16, 2012, 04:51:39 PM

I'm sorry the original poster of the status on Facebook is trying to deal with the Colorado fires, but that doesn't excuse her from calling people out on supposed breaches of etiquette.


Oh, but she's not. She just KNOWS people who are.

My 2nd favorite cousin just passed away recently after a 2-year fight with bladder cancer.
He said on his blog, "please DO complain to me about your roommate, your job, or the annoying person in front of you online. Please DO tell me about your worries for your future, etc. Because even though I don't have one, you DO have a future, and I DO care about you. Even though my worries seem huge compared with yours, they are still your worries and frustrations, and I do still care about you, and I want to hear what's going on with you--what's in your heart, what's amusing you or occupying you. I haven't stopped being me, so please talk to me the way you always would, the way you always have.
    "Besides, it does me good to have someone ELSE to worry about, or someone else's frustrations to occupy my mind."

So there.
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: nyarlathotep on July 16, 2012, 05:12:09 PM
I think today's SMBC (http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2674#comic) is appropriate here.

(Warning: Ads and other comics in the series sometimes NWS.)
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: Iris on July 17, 2012, 01:50:44 AM
I think today's SMBC (http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2674#comic) is appropriate here.

(Warning: Ads and other comics in the series sometimes NWS.)

Bahahahahahahahahaha "I only listen to noises that might save babies" is now officially one of my new things.
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: gadget--gal on July 18, 2012, 03:43:42 AM
Speaking as someone currently in one of the aforementioned groups, I like to hear/read about other peoples troubles. Life goes on  :P
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: still in va on July 18, 2012, 07:27:54 AM
eh, if he posted it to his page, meaning "don't make a post to MY fb page complaining about trivial matters.  so many other people are so much worse off, and i will block you", don't really care.  his page, he can do what he wants. 

but if he meant, "if i read anything on any fb page about you complaining about trivial matters when so many others are having real problems, including on YOUR own fb page, i'll block you", yeah, then i'm going to save him the trouble of blocking me, because i'm going to block him.  no one gets to tell me what i can and cannot post on my own page. 

methinks that if it was scenario #2, he'll have a really complaint-free life, because he'll have a lot fewer fb friends to deal with.
Title: Re: If you complain, I will block you. People have cancer!
Post by: Spring Water on Sundays on July 18, 2012, 09:20:17 AM
Someone always has it worse than someone else, so by his logic no one should ever complain about anything.

I've had cancer (18 months of chemo, bald head and everything!) and I still complain about the weather on occasion. Sometimes complaining about trivial matters is fun :)