Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Techno-quette => Topic started by: BarensMom on July 15, 2012, 04:42:34 PM

Title: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop! - Update P7, P14
Post by: BarensMom on July 15, 2012, 04:42:34 PM
I friended a guy from one of my FB groups recently.  At first, we chatted about he group's topic, but now it seems he's obsessed about one of the other (female) members, calling her "my sister" and constantly asking advice and harping about her, her husband and kids, her tattoo, her work, etc.  I've tried redirecting, ignoring, saying "I don't  want to know/care," and flat-out telling him that his obsession isn't healthy and he needs to stop.  Nothing works.  He will notice if I de-friend him and he is an admin of this group.  Any advice?
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop!
Post by: The Ricker on July 15, 2012, 04:54:10 PM
Who cares if he notices a de-friending?  Report and block him.
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop!
Post by: greencat on July 15, 2012, 04:59:48 PM
POD to The Ricker.  Let the group member he's obsessing over know about it.  Let any other group admins know what's going on as well.
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop!
Post by: thedudeabides on July 15, 2012, 05:00:12 PM
Just unfriend him and be done.  If at least one of the other admins can reach you, you should be fine.
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop!
Post by: BarensMom on July 15, 2012, 05:10:33 PM
I decided to just leave the group - there are other groups for the same topic.  I also just sent a message to the girl, asking if I can tell her something in confidence.  If she responds, I'll let her know about Mr. Obsessive.

Is this grounds for reporting this guy to FB?  He's only irritating me, and I don't know what he's saying to her via Chat.
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop!
Post by: The Ricker on July 15, 2012, 05:57:10 PM
I decided to just leave the group - there are other groups for the same topic.  I also just sent a message to the girl, asking if I can tell her something in confidence.  If she responds, I'll let her know about Mr. Obsessive.

Is this grounds for reporting this guy to FB?  He's only irritating me, and I don't know what he's saying to her via Chat.

Report it and the FB powers that be will make that determination.
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop!
Post by: Elphaba on July 16, 2012, 08:07:33 AM
FB lets you put people into "lists"of friends  I think this is mainly supposed to be an organizational thing, but you can use it to block people from seeing that you're online to chat but still stay friends with them, and it's easier to make a group (IMHO) than to block chatting individually.

Here's what you do:

Log on to FB, and on the right hand side, below "Favorites" and "Groups" there should be a list of "Friends".  Hover over the "Friends" title and a little link called "More" should appear. Click it. This will show you all the "lists" of friends you have. If you've never done this, you'll probably already have some as FB auto-groups some people for you. In the top right, click the button that says "Create List". Call the new list "No Chat" or something. In the "Members" list, start typing this guys name and it should auto-complete for you. Do this for all the other people you don't want to chat with.

Then, go down and click the "Options" button in the chat window (it looks like a cog) and click "Advanced Settings" in the pop up menu. It in the new window click the button for "All your friends see you except..." and then in the box next to that, type the name of the list you made in the above step. Again it should auto-complete for you.  This is also where you can block individuals from seeing you're on chat, but I find it easier to do in groups because then I can add/remove them all if I'm in a chatty mood. Then click "Save" at the bottom of that window.

He'll still be able to message you, but it will go to your inbox where you can ignore it more easily  :) And no, from what I know, people can't see if you've put them in a list, but if you're concerned, just call the list something silly and "nice" so they don't know what you're using it for.
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop! - Update P7
Post by: BarensMom on July 16, 2012, 11:13:42 AM
Well, this has been interesting:

I followed a PP's advice and told an admin and the group's originator about this guy's behavior.  It turned out that he was also chatting the same stuff to another admin about this girl.  The originator asked that I post my concerns to the admin subgroup, which I did.  It turned out that one of the admins is a false female identity for Mr. Obsessive and he called me on it.  I replied, "now you know how others view your behavior."  The other admins called it "weird" and there it stands.  Mr. Obsessive e-mailed me apologizing for the over-the-top behavior, but I'm not even going there.

This whole experience is leading me to think I should just take down my FB page for a while.  If and when I recreate it, limit it to just family and people I know IRL.  I just wanted to share an interest with others of like mind, but the angst and self-manufactured drama of these people is too much.
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop! - Update P7
Post by: Moray on July 16, 2012, 07:57:54 PM
Why take down your page when you can just block the creeper and his sockpuppet?
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop! - Update P7
Post by: BarensMom on July 16, 2012, 08:24:01 PM
I blocked the creeper and his sock puppet, but now I'm paranoid as to who I friended from the group is real and who is a sock puppet.  I've locked down as much of my info as I can, but it turns out that these guys pride themselves on hacking other groups.  So if I disappear from FB entirely for a while, their attention will eventually be diverted by the next group war or some other silly thing.

I heard back from the girl in question.  I told her the things creeper told me about her and her family.  She and her husband have been getting as many as 100 messages a day from this guy, even when they were offline.  Of course, he is telling her that I'm lying, but, considering his behavior, she believes me.   

FB has long lost it charm for me, so it's no skin off my nose if I disappear for a while.
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop! - Update P7
Post by: GrammarNerd on July 16, 2012, 10:05:54 PM
Can't FB kick these people off for violating Facebook's terms of service?  I mean, with all of the misrepresentaton, stalking and spamming, they must have violated SOME FB TOS guidelines.
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop! - Update P7
Post by: BarensMom on July 18, 2012, 03:56:01 PM
Can't FB kick these people off for violating Facebook's terms of service?  I mean, with all of the misrepresentaton, stalking and spamming, they must have violated SOME FB TOS guidelines.

If one complains to FB, does FB respond to the person issuing the complaint? 
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop! - Update P7
Post by: aiki on July 18, 2012, 10:25:49 PM
Can't FB kick these people off for violating Facebook's terms of service?  I mean, with all of the misrepresentaton, stalking and spamming, they must have violated SOME FB TOS guidelines.

For a start, one is not supposed to have more than one FB account...
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop! - Update P7
Post by: pierrotlunaire0 on July 19, 2012, 08:59:35 AM
Can't FB kick these people off for violating Facebook's terms of service?  I mean, with all of the misrepresentaton, stalking and spamming, they must have violated SOME FB TOS guidelines.

For a start, one is not supposed to have more than one FB account...

My sister had a sock puppet on FB.  Originally it was to supplement her Mafia, although since she has been playing for some 2-3 years, she doesn't even need "Amy" any more.  But just recently she got a message from FB to de-activate that account or risk losing her own account.  So Amy is dead.  I was a little concerned that since we use the same computer that FB would think I was a sock puppet also, but since I have very specific info, and friends totally separate from hers, they must have decided that I am real.
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop! - Update P7, P14
Post by: BarensMom on September 16, 2012, 08:26:24 AM
Bumping this thread for an update:

I had banned the stalker from the group (I had admin rights).  The other members (mostly young guys) questioned me on it, and, with the young lady's permission, I posted a truncated version of the stalker's badgering text messages, and informed them that stalker had been reported to FB.  It was agreed among the admins that the banishment would stand.

The originator of the group has now posted that "it's been long enough and I'm letting (stalker) back into the group."  My response was that in principle, I could not stay with a group that condones stalking and I have left the group and unfriended everyone from it except the victim.  I've texted her that the group was allowing him back and I've left.  Once she responds, I'll unfriend her and cut all ties.

I'm mystified why stalker guy is still on FB.  Two women and myself reported him - why wasn't he banned from FB?

Here are my etiquette questions:  Was my "goodbye cruel forum post" justified or rude?  Was I rude for immediately unfriending the members of this group?
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop! - Update P7, P14
Post by: JenJay on September 16, 2012, 09:29:39 AM
I think you were absolutely right not only to leave but to let the admins know why you were leaving and remove everyone from that group off your FB. What a mess! I hope the other group is drama free.
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop! - Update P7, P14
Post by: pierrotlunaire0 on September 16, 2012, 09:35:51 AM
You were absolutely right to leave and unfriend everyone.  You cannot trust them.
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop! - Update P7, P14
Post by: Queen of Clubs on September 16, 2012, 10:03:14 AM
Here are my etiquette questions:  Was my "goodbye cruel forum post" justified or rude?  Was I rude for immediately unfriending the members of this group?

Justified, IMO.  It lets everyone in the group know that if this guy stalks them, the group will do nothing.  I'd hope that the majority of the members will leave rather than stay where stalking is condoned.

And no, I don't think you're rude for cutting off ties to the group.

I'd think that the admin who decided to let the stalker back in is either friends with the stalker, or was getting harassed about being banned so did this to get him off their back.
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop! - Update P7, P14
Post by: Knitterly on September 16, 2012, 11:54:00 AM
You did not post a "goodbye cruel forum" post.  You posted a "goodbye" post.  Your behaviour was entirely justified and appropriate and I am also shocked and disturbed that he has not lost his account, when others have lost their accounts for far less disturbing behaviour.
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop! - Update P7, P14
Post by: Knitterly on September 16, 2012, 11:54:41 AM
Here are my etiquette questions:  Was my "goodbye cruel forum post" justified or rude?  Was I rude for immediately unfriending the members of this group?

Justified, IMO.  It lets everyone in the group know that if this guy stalks them, the group will do nothing.  I'd hope that the majority of the members will leave rather than stay where stalking is condoned.

And no, I don't think you're rude for cutting off ties to the group.

I'd think that the admin who decided to let the stalker back in is either friends with the stalker, or was getting harassed about being banned so did this to get him off their back
.

Or is possibly a second sock-puppet account?
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop! - Update P7, P14
Post by: Queen of Clubs on September 16, 2012, 01:02:22 PM
Here are my etiquette questions:  Was my "goodbye cruel forum post" justified or rude?  Was I rude for immediately unfriending the members of this group?

Justified, IMO.  It lets everyone in the group know that if this guy stalks them, the group will do nothing.  I'd hope that the majority of the members will leave rather than stay where stalking is condoned.

And no, I don't think you're rude for cutting off ties to the group.

I'd think that the admin who decided to let the stalker back in is either friends with the stalker, or was getting harassed about being banned so did this to get him off their back
.

Or is possibly a second sock-puppet account?

Good point!  That's entirely possible too. :(
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop! - Update P7, P14
Post by: Winterlight on September 20, 2012, 11:39:55 AM
I think that you were entirely justified in posting why you were leaving. Stalking should be taken seriously and this is a matter of safety. If I were in that group I'd want to know that this was happening so I could leave too- I wouldn't want him to turn on me next.
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop! - Update P7, P14
Post by: hobish on September 20, 2012, 11:53:00 AM

Long enough? There is a statute of acceptability for FB stalking? Ok
You were entirely justified. That is plain creepy.
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop! - Update P7, P14
Post by: Twik on September 20, 2012, 02:24:55 PM
I doubt the administrator is a sock puppet. But it's quite likely that he's one of those people who wants everything to be nice and happy, and hates looking "mean". This often means that he will pressure the victims of bad behaviour to pretend with him that everything is nice and happy, and the person bothering them is perfectly charming.
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop! - Update P7, P14
Post by: Cat-Fu on September 20, 2012, 02:41:19 PM
I don't think your GCF post was really rude, but definitely was unnecessary drama. It will probably just get deleted and no one new who joins will be the wiser. Why not just leave the group? I think it would have been pretty clear why to current members, considering your previous posts on the FB group.

The admin sounds like a real peach, though. I'm sure Mr. Stalker was real sorry and isn't it the nice thing to do to give him another chance?  ::)
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop! - Update P7, P14
Post by: Twik on September 20, 2012, 03:07:43 PM
Drama, certainly, but is it "unnecessary"?

It sounds to me like the group leader is a people-pleaser. He doesn't like Stalker Guy thinking he's "mean". If the OP leaves without a word, Leader thinks he's achieved his goal, and losing another member is just a coincidence. Stating why you're leaving the group makes it clear to him he has not kept everyone happy at all. In fact, someone thinks he's not doing his job. This *might* jolt him into realizing that appeasement is not always the best policy.
Title: Re: FB Chat Question - I don't want to hear about it, so stop! - Update P7, P14
Post by: BarensMom on September 23, 2012, 11:01:35 AM
I hadn't realized that there had been additional posts to this, but to respond to My Cat is a Ninja, I left a comment to the Admin's post in the small admin group about reinstating Stalker.  I commented, "As a matter of principle, I cannot stay in a group that condones a stalker.  I'm out of here." 

Thankfully, my FB has been very quiet since I left those groups, so perhaps I've avoided their usual drama when someone has fallen out with them.