Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Dating => Topic started by: snugglegirl05 on July 19, 2012, 10:20:09 AM

Title: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: snugglegirl05 on July 19, 2012, 10:20:09 AM
I have been dating my boyfriend for roughly a year. He has asked me to marry him in the future.

He has a female friend whom he has known since the early 1990's. Both of them live over an hour away by bus. They depend on the bus for transportation.

Recently his female friend asked him to come over this Friday after he gets off work to hang some stuff from her ceiling. She lives in an apt. complex. Since she did not know exactly how long it would take, she asked him if he could spend the night at her place. She would make him dinner, & the 2 of them would watch a move. Then in the morning the 2 of them would go to breakfast. He told her he would do that as long as he could sleep on her couch.

He is my first boyfriend.

Is it common for male friends and female friends to do this? What is the proper etiquette regarding this?

I have not had a male friend before.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Aeris on July 19, 2012, 10:25:28 AM
There's really no 'etiquette' to this kind of thing. It's entirely about what you personally are comfortable with, and about what you and your boyfriend agree together are appropriate 'rules' for your relationship.

There are probably many people who would think nothing of their SO staying at an opposite sex friend's place. There are probably just as many who would not be okay with this at all. Then there are probably just as many who would be okay with it only if the friend is a long term platonic friend who's become sort of like a sibling type.

Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: TurtleDove on July 19, 2012, 10:26:26 AM
I am not certain how old the people involved are, or the history between your BF and his female friend.  I am not a jealous person by nature, but this situation makes me uncomfortable for you.  It seems strange to me that your BF would specifically state he needs to sleep on the couch - if this were strictly platonic, that would have been assumed I would think.  You cannot control your BF, but you can certainly let him know you are not happy with this if you are not.  I don't see an actual need for him to watch the movie and sleep over.  Not at all.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Twik on July 19, 2012, 10:27:39 AM
This is a sort of polarizing question. Some people believe it's no different than if he was staying with a male friend, others act as if having no chaperone means wild scrabble is inevitable.

I'd say if he's known her for many years, he'd already be involved romantically with her if he wanted. So, sounds safe to me.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Aeris on July 19, 2012, 10:33:04 AM
I am not certain how old the people involved are, or the history between your BF and his female friend.  I am not a jealous person by nature, but this situation makes me uncomfortable for you.  It seems strange to me that your BF would specifically state he needs to sleep on the couch - if this were strictly platonic, that would have been assumed I would think.  You cannot control your BF, but you can certainly let him know you are not happy with this if you are not.  I don't see an actual need for him to watch the movie and sleep over.  Not at all.


That's a good point. That's a really weird thing for him to feel the need to specify to her.

OP, is this the same boyfriend who didn't want you staying at his apartment more than 6 days a month?




Edited: because 6 days a month is completely different than 6 days a week.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: bah12 on July 19, 2012, 10:34:02 AM
I wouldn't call it common, but depending on circumstances, it's not necessarily bad.

For two single friends, this seems innocent enough.  But, considering that at least one of them is in a serious relationship, I do think it's awkward.

What you describe sounds like the female friend has suggested a date.  I don't blame you for seeing the red flag and being uncomfortable. 

My suggestion would be to tell your boyfriend how you're feeling and see how he reacts.  I think it's completely reasonable to say that him spending the night at a female friend's apartment (have you ever met her?), makes you uncomfortable.  Especially considering the fact they are preplanning this vs. just seeing how long it takes to hang the stuff on the ceiling.

For instance, it's one thing to say "If this ends up taking a long time and it's too late to catch the bus home, you are welcome to sleep on the couch.  I'll buy you breakfast the next day if that's the case." and another to say "I don't know how long this will take, so let's eat dinner, watch a movie, and go to breakfast and set these plans in stone."  In the latter, when is he actually doing the work?  It seems that the whole evening is planned with other things.

If I were you, I would want my bf to invite me along.  You can help his friend prepare dinner while he hangs stuff on the ceiling and then if it gets late, the two of you can go to a hotel and make it a "weekend getaway".

That being said, I'm sure there are situations where it really is exactly what he said.  You may have nothing to worry about.  Just consider that right now you are uncomfortable and unsure, which is fair.  I think you should address that with him and work out a plan of action that you are both ok with.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: JenJay on July 19, 2012, 10:35:32 AM
Etiquettely speaking they aren't doing anything wrong. As far as it being common, that will vary from "Yes, my friends do this all the time and it's completely innocent." to "I'd be extremely uncomfortable with that and if my boyfriend didn't respect my boundaries I'd break up with him."

Are you comfortable with his staying there? For me, it would depend on the circumstances. If he can't help her any earlier because she gets home from work late and the busses will stop running before he's finished then I'd rather he sleep on her couch than try to walk home in the middle of the night. That said, if he could help her earlier or on a day neither of them is working I'd wonder why she wanted to arrange for him to stay. Maybe they used to spend a lot of time together and she misses that. It doesn't necessarily mean her motives are suspect.

He could have gone over and said nothing, you probably wouldn't have found out, so the fact that he told you speaks well for him and his intentions.  :)

Oops, posted too soon...

If you are uncomfortable and would prefer he just go over to help and then go home to sleep you should absolutely speak up! Personally, I doubt I'd be comfortable with my husband sleeping over at a single female friend's house unless some kind of situation made it necessary (weather, lack of transportation, one of them being injured or ill, etc).
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: a on July 19, 2012, 10:37:19 AM
This is a topic that can get heated, so be warned 

I think this is completely up to you and your partner. You will need to set the boundaries for what is ok for you.

For me personally, I would never have an issue with my partner spending the night at a friendís, and I expect to be able to see my male and female friends just as I did prior to meeting my partner. This includes staying at their places, going out for meals with them only, going on holiday with them etc. I have had male friends share my (double ;-) ) bed with me and I donít find that a problem at all.  I would not want to have a partner who would expect me to stop seeing some friends/to stop seeing them in the way that I saw them prior to getting together.

Personally, I cannot see why a personís gender should be a deciding factor re how we meet up/spend time together. I know that other people feel differently. (I also think this may vary depending on people's backgrounds/cultures. I might be seen as a wildly liberal European.)

Try to think about why it makes you feel uncomfortable. If it is because you do not feel secure enough in your relationship, then maybe you need to address that?
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Reason on July 19, 2012, 10:49:27 AM
If you don't trust him, no amount of watching over him is going to change that. As such I wouldn't recommend that course. If he were the type to cheat on you, he would likely find a way to do so without mentioning that he is staying at a girl's place.

If you do trust him, then there is nothing wrong with him staying over at whatever friend's place.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: takeheart on July 19, 2012, 11:00:08 AM
Personally I feel the question is not an etiquette issue because there are a lot of factors that need to be considered (how long have they been friends, your comfort level with him, etc.) and answers will vary from person-to-person because everyone's comfort level is different.

For me, DH has a best girl friend who (BGF) has been friends with since college and I have a best boy friend (BBF) who I have been friends with for over 10 years. He has gone out with BGF without me and I have had BBF stay the night when DH and I dated long-distance. In fact, I had a male roommate while we dated long-distance too! Situations like that between us are a non-issue, but that doesn't mean it's a non-issue for everyone.

Trust your instincts. If the idea makes you uncomfortable, let him know. If he moves forward anyway, there are other issues that go beyond etiquette.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: rashea on July 19, 2012, 11:02:25 AM
Ok, I thought I recognized your name, so I went back through your posts to see if I remembered the back story with this guy.

Here's the threads I thought relevant:
http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=111431.0
http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=112742.msg2622375#msg2622375


Given your history (I'm making an assumption that this girl isn't the ex) I would have an issue with him staying. He had issues setting and holding boundaries. That, and you've had issues with him not spending enough time/attention on you. Unless those have been solved, I'd have an issue with it. I'd also wonder if he was closer than he indicated based on the fact that he had to mention to her that he'd be sleeping on the couch.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: gramma dishes on July 19, 2012, 11:05:28 AM


What you describe sounds like the female friend has suggested a date.  I don't blame you for seeing the red flag and being uncomfortable. 
...
For instance, it's one thing to say "If this ends up taking a long time and it's too late to catch the bus home, you are welcome to sleep on the couch.  I'll buy you breakfast the next day if that's the case." and another to say "I don't know how long this will take, so let's eat dinner, watch a movie, and go to breakfast and set these plans in stone."  In the latter, when is he actually doing the work?  It seems that the whole evening is planned with other things.



I think that's what bothered me too.  There's this "assumption" that hanging stuff on the ceiling will take too long, yet there are all these additional plans for dinner, a movie and even breakfast.  I agree that it kind of sounds like an overnight "date". I'm trying to imagine how that conversation would go if it were one of his male friends that needed help hanging stuff on their ceiling.  Somehow, I suspect it would be more along the lines of "If we finish too late, you can just crash on my couch."

On the other hand, it really might be very innocent.  If they've known each other since the early 1990's, that would mean they've been friends for at least twenty years.  But we also don't have the back history.  For example, when they first met, was she actually dating (or married to) someone?  You know, stuff like that.  The history of the friendship might clarify the intent.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Zilla on July 19, 2012, 11:11:47 AM
Not reading any of the backstory mentioned in thread and just taking the OP at face value:


I would think that he mentioned he is sleeping on the couch to reassure OP so not an odd thing to say.


They have been friends for a long time, if any romance were to transpire I would imagine it would have happened already.


Are these sleepovers common?  If this is the first time ever in all the years of being friends, then yes I would consider this a bit unusual.


And lastly, as other posters said, it's all bout your comfort level.  On the etiquette side, no "rules" are being broken.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Moray on July 19, 2012, 11:12:28 AM
I am not certain how old the people involved are, or the history between your BF and his female friend.  I am not a jealous person by nature, but this situation makes me uncomfortable for you.  It seems strange to me that your BF would specifically state he needs to sleep on the couch - if this were strictly platonic, that would have been assumed I would think.  You cannot control your BF, but you can certainly let him know you are not happy with this if you are not.  I don't see an actual need for him to watch the movie and sleep over.  Not at all.


That's a good point. That's a really weird thing for him to feel the need to specify to her.

OP, is this the same boyfriend who didn't want you staying at his apartment more than 6 days a month?

Edited: because 6 days a month is completely different than 6 days a week.

That's also a long way to ask someone to come to hang stuff on a ceiling. 2 hours round trip on the bus? It would seem less weird if he gave the impression that "Friend really wants to hang out" vs. "I am the only person who can hang stuff".

TBH, everything you've ever posted about this guy gives me the shiverring hinkies. He seems very intent on having his cake and eating it, too and (to an outsider) appears to be taking advantage of your inexperience with men in both romantic and platonic capacities. I say this as someone who has had a fair few relationships and countless male friends: He ain't on the level. Keep your eyes open.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: WillyNilly on July 19, 2012, 11:17:26 AM
Its not the plan that is a (potential) problem, its the players.  Its ok for you to feel weird about this, but if you don't that ok too - everyone has their personal "ok levels" and each situation has to measured on the personal hinky meter.  So there could be some female friends of your BF's you wouldn't blink an eye at him staying with for a night and others who raise your shackles - there is no "one size fits all" answer to this.

If you feel at all uncomfortable about this, talk to your BF.  He should be open to discussing it with you and taking steps to help alleviate your issues.  Maybe you want him to call you at a certain time, to check in/say goodnight.  By doing that you will know he's not caught up in a  moment, etc.  or maybe you prefer to drive him out early Saturday morning for him to help his friend then.  Talk about what's concerning you and how that can be dealt with.

If you are totally ok with this and totally trust your BF, then be confident in that and don't let anyone (friends, family, society) tell you its a bad situation 'just because'.  At its base, with many people, this situation is absolutely not unusual or uncool.

Every relationship is individual and constantly moving, changing, evolving.  You are ok to set the perimeters you are comfortable with - this is equally your relationship and you absolutely get an equal say in how its conducted.  And only you and your BF are the ones who get any say - outside forces are just that - outside.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: #borecore on July 19, 2012, 11:23:18 AM
Given the previous threads, and I do remember them, you really ought to take your uneasiness with this, and the rest of his behavior, into account.

It's not that staying over with a female friend is (or should be) wrong in all relationships; it's whether it's right for your relationship. And it doesn't sound like the right course for your relationship, at all.

An hour each way on the bus to hang stuff? That's a LOT to ask, but planning dinner and a movie and breakfast ahead of time sounds like planning a date. There's a distinct possibility that he wouldn't need to stay over at all, and planning all that stuff in advance is a lot.

What would he say if you offered to be an extra set of hands so they could get the task done faster (and if you have a car, you could drive, too)? If it's all about getting the chore done, then she should be grateful; if it's about something more, they might resist in strange ways (or they might just want some friend time and resist in a more comfortable, rational way).

Good luck, and really do consider all the times this man has made you uncomfortable and whether you want a life like this for good.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: padua on July 19, 2012, 11:28:20 AM
Ok, I thought I recognized your name, so I went back through your posts to see if I remembered the back story with this guy.

Here's the threads I thought relevant:
http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=111431.0
http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=112742.msg2622375#msg2622375

Given your history (I'm making an assumption that this girl isn't the ex) I would have an issue with him staying. He had issues setting and holding boundaries. That, and you've had issues with him not spending enough time/attention on you. Unless those have been solved, I'd have an issue with it. I'd also wonder if he was closer than he indicated based on the fact that he had to mention to her that he'd be sleeping on the couch.

i totally agree. i understand it's important to be able to trust your partner, but sometimes we should just avoid situations that have the possibility of getting sticky altogether. if there's enough time to catch a movie, there's enough time to find a way home. if it was a matter of helping until really late then sleeping, that's one thing. 'scheduling' a movie creates a lot of gray areas for me, as watching a movie allows for one to get snuggly and lose a few inhibitions. especially if one of the two involved have any sort of feelings for the other person. is he asking you how you feel about it? then i'd be honest and let him know you're uncomfortable with the situation, if that's how you feel.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Giggity on July 19, 2012, 11:35:43 AM
What you're describing is a date.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: gramma dishes on July 19, 2012, 11:55:21 AM
^^^ See above for an example of the meaning of the word succinct!   ;D
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: gramma dishes on July 19, 2012, 11:57:53 AM
I must confess I'm really curious about something.  What does one hang on (or from) one's ceiling that takes hours to do?  Multiple chandeliers? 
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Yvaine on July 19, 2012, 12:01:20 PM
I don't think this is etiquette, but I think it's mega-fishy.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Moray on July 19, 2012, 12:02:23 PM
I must confess I'm really curious about something.  What does one hang on (or from) one's ceiling that takes hours to do?  Multiple chandeliers?

Art installation, complex lighting display, love swing?
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: cheyne on July 19, 2012, 12:13:59 PM

TBH, everything you've ever posted about this guy gives me the shiverring hinkies. He seems very intent on having his cake and eating it, too and (to an outsider) appears to be taking advantage of your inexperience with men in both romantic and platonic capacities. I say this as someone who has had a fair few relationships and countless male friends: He ain't on the level. Keep your eyes open.

Quote tree respectfully snipped, bolding mine.

I couldn't agree more with VorpalBunny.  Ultimately it's up to you what you do, OP.  Please make sure you aren't wearing blinders with this BF.  Anything that feels off to you probably is.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: DavidH on July 19, 2012, 12:31:57 PM
Part of me says that if he's known her for almost 20 years, if they were going to get together they would have done so long ago.  I'm not sure why they'd wait until he was dating to do this.

I can also see why saying would you take the bus an hour each way after work to hang something would seem kind of harsh or like using them and such an invitation would almost have to include dinner, particularly if you've been friends with the person for a long time.  The movie seems optional, but I can see how taking a bus home might not be possible based on the schedule, but watching a movie would.

By itself, I see nothing particularly wrong with this and it wouldn't bother me, but taken in context with the other threads, I think there is a pattern here.  I might choose this time to address the bigger issues since that's the real problem here.  This is just one part of whole picture.  Your threads don't describe to me someone who is committed to the relationship.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Judah on July 19, 2012, 12:43:12 PM
By itself, I see nothing particularly wrong with this and it wouldn't bother me, but taken in context with the other threads, I think there is a pattern here.  I might choose this time to address the bigger issues since that's the real problem here.  This is just one part of whole picture.  Your threads don't describe to me someone who is committed to the relationship.

This is pretty much what I'm thinking.  All by itself,  the situation seems fine, but there is definitely a pattern here that I wouldn't feel comfortable with.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: SleepyKitty on July 19, 2012, 01:03:00 PM
I would have no problem with my BF sleeping over a female friend's place in some cases - in fact, I can think of eight different scenarios right off the top of my head that I would be totally fine with. What you're describing, however, might be one of the few situations that I personally would not be okay with. The pre-planned nature of dinner, a movie, and a sleepover is very date-like, the fact that it sounds like you weren't invited to this get-together, and the fact that other options for getting BF home were not considered (cab, catching a ride with you or a friend, maybe planning this on a day when catching the bus home is feasible, etc...), it all sounds really suspicious.

And as for hanging stuff from her ceiling... if she is hanging anything that needs wiring (like a ceiling fan or a chandelier) or anything that's heavy or complicated, I am surprised her apartment complex is letting someone unauthorized do it. In the last  complex I lived in, they were very clear that residents were not to undertake anything more than simple hanging jobs themselves - the complex handyman would come in and deal with anything more complicated to ensure that someone who had no idea what they were doing didn't damage the wiring or the ceiling. So, this sounds kind of like a strange request to me, even though I know my one experience doesn't mean all complexes are like that. What could she possibly have to hang that would take a long time? And if it won't take a long time, why this whole dinner and a movie thing?

The whole situation just feels off to me. I wouldn't be okay with it.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: JenJay on July 19, 2012, 01:07:12 PM
That's also a long way to ask someone to come to hang stuff on a ceiling. 2 hours round trip on the bus? It would seem less weird if he gave the impression that "Friend really wants to hang out" vs. "I am the only person who can hang stuff".

I thought the boyfriend was an hour away from OP, but lived fairly close to his female friend? If he's an hour away from the friend I could see why she'd invite him to crash at her place and fix him dinner, because he'd be doing her a big favor.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: bah12 on July 19, 2012, 01:10:42 PM
That's also a long way to ask someone to come to hang stuff on a ceiling. 2 hours round trip on the bus? It would seem less weird if he gave the impression that "Friend really wants to hang out" vs. "I am the only person who can hang stuff".

I thought the boyfriend was an hour away from OP, but lived fairly close to his female friend? If he's an hour away from the friend I could see why she'd invite him to crash at her place and fix him dinner, because he'd be doing her a big favor.

That part was a little confusing in the OP, but I assumed that he must live an hour bus ride away from the friend.  That's the only way the "stay the night if this goes too late" scenario makes even a little bit of sense.  If he lived fairly close to her, I would assume that being there late wouldn't be that big of an obstacle to overcome.  If he's doing her such a big favor, she can provide him some dinner and cab fare and call it good. 
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Moray on July 19, 2012, 01:31:09 PM
That's also a long way to ask someone to come to hang stuff on a ceiling. 2 hours round trip on the bus? It would seem less weird if he gave the impression that "Friend really wants to hang out" vs. "I am the only person who can hang stuff".

I thought the boyfriend was an hour away from OP, but lived fairly close to his female friend? If he's an hour away from the friend I could see why she'd invite him to crash at her place and fix him dinner, because he'd be doing her a big favor.

That part was a little confusing in the OP, but I assumed that he must live an hour bus ride away from the friend.  That's the only way the "stay the night if this goes too late" scenario makes even a little bit of sense.  If he lived fairly close to her, I would assume that being there late wouldn't be that big of an obstacle to overcome.  If he's doing her such a big favor, she can provide him some dinner and cab fare and call it good.

Hmm, I may have read that wrong. However, like bah12 posted, if he doesn't live far from the friend, that raises more questions than it answers.

Quick question, OP, and I hope this isn't out of line, but is this friend by any chance the clingy ex you mentioned in other threads? Just curious.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: JenJay on July 19, 2012, 01:42:01 PM
That's also a long way to ask someone to come to hang stuff on a ceiling. 2 hours round trip on the bus? It would seem less weird if he gave the impression that "Friend really wants to hang out" vs. "I am the only person who can hang stuff".

I thought the boyfriend was an hour away from OP, but lived fairly close to his female friend? If he's an hour away from the friend I could see why she'd invite him to crash at her place and fix him dinner, because he'd be doing her a big favor.

That part was a little confusing in the OP, but I assumed that he must live an hour bus ride away from the friend.  That's the only way the "stay the night if this goes too late" scenario makes even a little bit of sense.  If he lived fairly close to her, I would assume that being there late wouldn't be that big of an obstacle to overcome.  If he's doing her such a big favor, she can provide him some dinner and cab fare and call it good.

Wouldn't cab fare for a ride of over an hour (and then back for the driver) be really expensive though? If she needs to ask a friend to travel that far to help install something (as opposed to hiring someone) I wouldn't think she'd have the cash for the cab. If the intentions are honest and innocent all the way around it would make more sense for him to stay over and come home on the bus the next day.

OP, is it an option for you to go with your boyfriend and get to know his friend? You and BF will be married someday, and I'm assuming they'll maintain their friendship for years to come, so if she's far enough away that visits include staying over I would think it'd be natural for you to accompany him once you're married. Might as well start now if possible. That is, if you want to go. If you have no interest in getting to know her then it would just look like you wanted to go because you didn't trust them.  :-\
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Moray on July 19, 2012, 01:45:46 PM
JenJay, I think bah12 was saying that if he lived close to the friend, *then* cab fare would be reasonable.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: #borecore on July 19, 2012, 01:48:38 PM
That's also a long way to ask someone to come to hang stuff on a ceiling. 2 hours round trip on the bus? It would seem less weird if he gave the impression that "Friend really wants to hang out" vs. "I am the only person who can hang stuff".

I thought the boyfriend was an hour away from OP, but lived fairly close to his female friend? If he's an hour away from the friend I could see why she'd invite him to crash at her place and fix him dinner, because he'd be doing her a big favor.

That part was a little confusing in the OP, but I assumed that he must live an hour bus ride away from the friend.  That's the only way the "stay the night if this goes too late" scenario makes even a little bit of sense.  If he lived fairly close to her, I would assume that being there late wouldn't be that big of an obstacle to overcome.  If he's doing her such a big favor, she can provide him some dinner and cab fare and call it good.

Wouldn't cab fare for a ride of over an hour (and then back for the driver) be really expensive though? If she needs to ask a friend to travel that far to help install something (as opposed to hiring someone) I wouldn't think she'd have the cash for the cab. If the intentions are honest and innocent all the way around it would make more sense for him to stay over and come home on the bus the next day.

OP, is it an option for you to go with your boyfriend and get to know his friend? You and BF will be married someday, and I'm assuming they'll maintain their friendship for years to come, so if she's far enough away that visits include staying over I would think it'd be natural for you to accompany him once you're married. Might as well start now if possible. That is, if you want to go. If you have no interest in getting to know her then it would just look like you wanted to go because you didn't trust them.  :-\

The only thing against the argument that cabs are expensive so that option wouldn't make sense is that she is paying for two meals (and the additional cost to her of a special meal if she'd normally eat simpler or eat in) plus a movie rental plus whatever she bought that needs hanging and maybe a ladder with which to hang it.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: JenJay on July 19, 2012, 01:52:55 PM
JenJay, I think bah12 was saying that if he lived close to the friend, *then* cab fare would be reasonable.

Ah, okay, gotcha. I think I need an extra hit of coffee today. LOL
Thanks!
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: The Ricker on July 19, 2012, 02:11:35 PM


Personally, I cannot see why a personís gender should be a deciding factor re how we meet up/spend time together. I know that other people feel differently. (I also think this may vary depending on people's backgrounds/cultures. I might be seen as a wildly liberal European.)

Try to think about why it makes you feel uncomfortable. If it is because you do not feel secure enough in your relationship, then maybe you need to address that?

Because in these types of situations, the temptation to do what comes naturally always looms.  If the boyfriend takes his relationship seriously, he should avoid this visit and only see the friend in mixed company or in the presence of his girlfriend.  It is not insecure of the gf to be concerned.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: TurtleDove on July 19, 2012, 02:23:36 PM
It is not insecure of the gf to be concerned.

This.  In this case, I would add that the BF has not historically (from what we know on ehell) taken any effort to ensure the OP *does* feel secure.  OP, obviously no one else can make relationship decisions for you, but in my experience, if you feel insecure, something is wrong in the relationship.  In my experience, when I have felt jealous or insecure I had every reason to feel that way because my SO was cheating on me and lying about it.  The solution was to end the relationship because the problem was not that *I* was jealous and insecure - the problem was that I had every reason to be.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Amava on July 19, 2012, 02:46:02 PM


Personally, I cannot see why a personís gender should be a deciding factor re how we meet up/spend time together. I know that other people feel differently. (I also think this may vary depending on people's backgrounds/cultures. I might be seen as a wildly liberal European.)

Try to think about why it makes you feel uncomfortable. If it is because you do not feel secure enough in your relationship, then maybe you need to address that?

Because in these types of situations, the temptation to do what comes naturally always looms.  If the boyfriend takes his relationship seriously, he should avoid this visit and only see the friend in mixed company or in the presence of his girlfriend.  It is not insecure of the gf to be concerned.

I don't know. To me, it does not "come naturally" to hop into bed with most of my friends. It honestly wouldn't even occur to me.

Now, about the lady who invited the OP's boyfriend. It does seem like she is aiming more for an evening together than for just to get the whateveritis attached to the ceiling. It seems quite possible to me, though, that what she is looking for is some company and a nice evening and morning of chatting and being together as friends. If the person who had invited him was male, would this scenario (hey, come over to help me fix something to my ceiling and watch a movie and crash on my couch so I can treat you to breakfast in the morning so we can chat some more) seem inappropriate?

On the other hand, it is also quite possible that she *is* aiming to win the boyfriend for herself.  So, let her try. This can either result in the boyfriend choosing her. If he does that, then he is not meant for you. Or it can result in him rejecting her and choosing for you

You can't claim people as your own. They have to choose to be with you. 
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: rashea on July 19, 2012, 02:56:24 PM


Personally, I cannot see why a personís gender should be a deciding factor re how we meet up/spend time together. I know that other people feel differently. (I also think this may vary depending on people's backgrounds/cultures. I might be seen as a wildly liberal European.)

Try to think about why it makes you feel uncomfortable. If it is because you do not feel secure enough in your relationship, then maybe you need to address that?

Because in these types of situations, the temptation to do what comes naturally always looms.  If the boyfriend takes his relationship seriously, he should avoid this visit and only see the friend in mixed company or in the presence of his girlfriend.  It is not insecure of the gf to be concerned.

I don't know. To me, it does not "come naturally" to hop into bed with most of my friends. It honestly wouldn't even occur to me.

Now, about the lady who invited the OP's boyfriend. It does seem like she is aiming more for an evening together than for just to get the whateveritis attached to the ceiling. It seems quite possible to me, though, that what she is looking for is some company and a nice evening and morning of chatting and being together as friends. If the person who had invited him was male, would this scenario (hey, come over to help me fix something to my ceiling and watch a movie and crash on my couch so I can treat you to breakfast in the morning so we can chat some more) seem inappropriate?

On the other hand, it is also quite possible that she *is* aiming to win the boyfriend for herself.  So, let her try. This can either result in the boyfriend choosing her. If he does that, then he is not meant for you. Or it can result in him rejecting her and choosing for you

You can't claim people as your own. They have to choose to be with you.

Generally I wouldn't have an issue with this situation. My fiance went with his ex (who isn't fond of me) to Boston without me and I was fine with it. But, the boyfriend in this case has shown issues with setting and maintaining boundaries. To me, that makes it harder to trust.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: WillyNilly on July 19, 2012, 03:01:38 PM
Wouldn't cab fare for a ride of over an hour (and then back for the driver) be really expensive though? If she needs to ask a friend to travel that far to help install something (as opposed to hiring someone) I wouldn't think she'd have the cash for the cab.

Well it depends on the area and how many bus stops and the route too.  I commute via bus and it takes (even during off hours) about an hour, plus a 5 minute walk.  But in a cab from the same starting location to my door, is only about 30 minutes and about $35-40 (incl. 20% tip) because the cab takes a more direct route and doesn't stop to let other people on or off like the bus.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: bah12 on July 19, 2012, 03:39:19 PM


Personally, I cannot see why a personís gender should be a deciding factor re how we meet up/spend time together. I know that other people feel differently. (I also think this may vary depending on people's backgrounds/cultures. I might be seen as a wildly liberal European.)

Try to think about why it makes you feel uncomfortable. If it is because you do not feel secure enough in your relationship, then maybe you need to address that?

Because in these types of situations, the temptation to do what comes naturally always looms.  If the boyfriend takes his relationship seriously, he should avoid this visit and only see the friend in mixed company or in the presence of his girlfriend.  It is not insecure of the gf to be concerned.

I don't know. To me, it does not "come naturally" to hop into bed with most of my friends. It honestly wouldn't even occur to me.

Now, about the lady who invited the OP's boyfriend. It does seem like she is aiming more for an evening together than for just to get the whateveritis attached to the ceiling. It seems quite possible to me, though, that what she is looking for is some company and a nice evening and morning of chatting and being together as friends. If the person who had invited him was male, would this scenario (hey, come over to help me fix something to my ceiling and watch a movie and crash on my couch so I can treat you to breakfast in the morning so we can chat some more) seem inappropriate?

On the other hand, it is also quite possible that she *is* aiming to win the boyfriend for herself.  So, let her try. This can either result in the boyfriend choosing her. If he does that, then he is not meant for you. Or it can result in him rejecting her and choosing for you

You can't claim people as your own. They have to choose to be with you. 


It's quite possible that she just trying to get an evening with a friend and has no other intentions...but she (or he if that's the case) doesn't need the ruse of "I don't know if the hanging thing will take too long, so let's just plan on having you sleep over."  And, I am a little skeptical on why the BF had to emphasize the "yes, as long as I stay on the couch."  1.  If he's doing that for the OPs benefit, then he obviously understands that this would make her uncomfortable and he should talk to her about it directly.  2. If he had to use that caveat with her, then something is wrong.

In general, I'm not a jealous person and on the surface, I see nothing wrong with two friends of the opposite sex spending so much alone time together.  But, especially given the background, this does seem off.  The OP is clearly uncomfortable and she needs to talk to him about this.  Also, if this is a case where the BF wouldn't be tempted, but there's doubt about the woman's intention, then he needs to  be smart and considerate enough to not put himself in questionable situations with her.  Even though I can never see myself with any man other than my DH, if I knew a male friend had a crush on me, I'd temper our time and purposely not be alone with him for too long. 

As far as etiquette is concerned her BF and his friend are doing nothing wrong.  Etiquette can now help the OP approach her BF about why this bothers her and foster communication between them so they can work out a solution where the BF gets to spend time with his long time friend and the OP is comfortable with the nature of that time and secure enough in their relationship not to question that time.

It's true that the OP doesn't own him and she can't tell him what to do.  But, they are in a long term relationship.  She has every right to talk to him about this and let him know that she's uncomfortable with it and why.  And as her BF, I feel he is obligated to listen to her and help her through this.  If these are things that he says he's going to do his way regardless of how his GF feels about it,  then they don't need to be together.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: bopper on July 19, 2012, 04:01:51 PM
I have not read the background posts.

But the "hang some stuff" seems like the nominal excuse to have him come over.

But then is the dinner/movie/sleepover

A) A thank you for travelling all that way
B) the main point of the evening?


Would he be happy if  you had a long time guy friend who needed help say baking a cake and then you would have dinner, watch a movie and then sleepover and then stayed for breakfast?

This is fulfilling the Emotional Needs of: 1) Domestic Support 2) Recreational Companionship and 3) Conversation and probably also 4) Admiration.  Fulfilling emotional needs  is what we do with people of the opposite sex we are romantically interested in.

If he is really going to "help a friend" then she can hire a handyman.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: SamiHami on July 19, 2012, 08:34:32 PM
Is there some reason why he can't go over there early Saturday and hang her stuff and then return home, therefore eliminating any need for him to spend the night? Perhaps you could go with him and the 3 of you could have a nice lunch together when he's finished helping her.

This has my hinky meter going off big time. Is there some reason it HAS to involve staying overnight? I hate to say it, but I agree with PPs who think he is just not committed to your relationship.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Amara on July 19, 2012, 09:05:08 PM
I personally wouldn't have a problem with it (but I didn't read the linked threads). I have always trusted men with whom I was involved and other than a very early experience, it has and remains justified. However, I cannot see why he cannot return home in less time than it takes to watch a movie and have dinner. Or would it be late enough at night that the buses wouldn't be running?
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: blarg314 on July 19, 2012, 09:42:06 PM

Quote
It's important to trust your partner

I would add a very, very important addendum to that.

"It's important to have a partner you can trust"

If you trust someone who is fundamentally untrustworthy, you will be taken advantage of, and you will get hurt. You may also end up with unexpected debts and/or STDs, depending in what way they are untrustworthy.

If your partner is untrustworthy no amount of surveillance or vigilance can guarantee their good behaviour.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: LifeOnPluto on July 19, 2012, 10:20:26 PM
I personally would NOT be comfortable with DF spending the night at a female friend's place. (Not that he has any female friends, so that's a moot point). Even if she's simply a long term platonic friend, and staying over is something your boyfriend has done often in the past, my view is that things can - and should - change once a person is in a relationship. Now that you're in the picture, I think it was inappropriate that this girl has invited him to stay the night.

As other posters have said, talk to your boyfriend. It's definitely NOT rude to tell him you're uncomfortable with this situation. See if you can both compromise. For example, you could accompany him to his friend's house and stay the night too. Or you could pick him up after he's had dinner with her. Or he could come to her house during the day on Saturday instead, etc.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Allyson on July 20, 2012, 12:53:33 AM
Hmm...my standard for 'is this weird' in cases like this is 'if it was a male friend, would I raise an eyebrow?' In this case, yeah, I would, a little. If a guy friend wanted my boyfriend to come over on a pretext like that, didn't invite me, expected him to stay, and offer breakfast, I'd wonder what was up.

I'm one of the least jealous people out there as far as this kind of thing ordinarily goes, and something about it seems off to me. I don't think gender should really matter much here, because platonic friends can happen regardless of gender/orientation. I don't really believe in the 'things can happen if it's a guy and a girl, no matter who it is!' But I do believe people sometimes set up situations where they are likely to act on an attraction, if that makes sense.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Ceallach on July 20, 2012, 01:13:58 AM
To me, it sounds as though they want to hang out together and catch-up, and the hanging the item is just a convenient side project.   Otherwise it's a very detailed plan (including dinner, movie and breakfast!) for hanging an item up. 

It's impossible to know whether the way it's been sold to the OP is because she is an insecure girlfriend and he's trying to re-assure her, or because he is a little dodgy and trying to pull one over on her.   I just don't think we have sufficient information.   Re appropriateness, in this day and age there's nothing *wrong* with platonic friends being in the same house overnight.   It's more of a question of relationship boundaries as others have covered so eloquently.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: a on July 20, 2012, 03:08:38 AM


Personally, I cannot see why a personís gender should be a deciding factor re how we meet up/spend time together. I know that other people feel differently. (I also think this may vary depending on people's backgrounds/cultures. I might be seen as a wildly liberal European.)

Try to think about why it makes you feel uncomfortable. If it is because you do not feel secure enough in your relationship, then maybe you need to address that?

Because in these types of situations, the temptation to do what comes naturally always looms.  If the boyfriend takes his relationship seriously, he should avoid this visit and only see the friend in mixed company or in the presence of his girlfriend.  It is not insecure of the gf to be concerned.

I don't know. To me, it does not "come naturally" to hop into bed with most of my friends. It honestly wouldn't even occur to me.


Strongly agree with the last comment. I really don't agree that - or even understand the intention/meaning behind - 'the temptation to what comes naturally always looms'. Would that mean that anytime I see a male person on my own there would be a temptation looming? Most of my male friends are my friends b/c we have fun together and have interesting things to discuss. I cannot see why I should have to restrict my discussions about, say, knitting, with them, or force my partner to join me discuss knitting with us when he has zero interest!

To the OP - it seems that there are underlying issues here. I would explain very clearly to your partner how you feel and how it would make you feel if he goes ahead with this. If he still chooses to do that - which is his choice - it is up to you to decide if you think it is ok or if you cannot accept that behaviour, and deal with it from that starting point.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: The Ricker on July 20, 2012, 04:21:22 AM


Personally, I cannot see why a personís gender should be a deciding factor re how we meet up/spend time together. I know that other people feel differently. (I also think this may vary depending on people's backgrounds/cultures. I might be seen as a wildly liberal European.)

Try to think about why it makes you feel uncomfortable. If it is because you do not feel secure enough in your relationship, then maybe you need to address that?

Because in these types of situations, the temptation to do what comes naturally always looms.  If the boyfriend takes his relationship seriously, he should avoid this visit and only see the friend in mixed company or in the presence of his girlfriend.  It is not insecure of the gf to be concerned.

I don't know. To me, it does not "come naturally" to hop into bed with most of my friends. It honestly wouldn't even occur to me.


Would that mean that anytime I see a male person on my own there would be a temptation looming?


For the most part, from the male perspective, yes.  It isn't good for a relationship for the male partner to spend one-on-one time with a woman who isn't his spouse/girlfriend (or female relative).  Man is a slavering, ravenous wolf who views most women in a certain spectrum as a potential scrabble partner.  While the degree of intensity varies, the guy discussing knitting with a female "friend"  imagines guiding her out of her clothes and into the sack.  Best not to spark anything--or get out of the relationship first.

Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Nora on July 20, 2012, 06:13:29 AM
Ricker: I hope by all that is fluffy that you are using hyperbole to be funny or something like that. Otherwise I find your last post beyond insulting to the male sex.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Donovan on July 20, 2012, 07:47:13 AM


Personally, I cannot see why a personís gender should be a deciding factor re how we meet up/spend time together. I know that other people feel differently. (I also think this may vary depending on people's backgrounds/cultures. I might be seen as a wildly liberal European.)

Try to think about why it makes you feel uncomfortable. If it is because you do not feel secure enough in your relationship, then maybe you need to address that?

Because in these types of situations, the temptation to do what comes naturally always looms.  If the boyfriend takes his relationship seriously, he should avoid this visit and only see the friend in mixed company or in the presence of his girlfriend.  It is not insecure of the gf to be concerned.

I don't know. To me, it does not "come naturally" to hop into bed with most of my friends. It honestly wouldn't even occur to me.


Would that mean that anytime I see a male person on my own there would be a temptation looming?


For the most part, from the male perspective, yes.  It isn't good for a relationship for the male partner to spend one-on-one time with a woman who isn't his spouse/girlfriend (or female relative).  Man is a slavering, ravenous wolf who views most women in a certain spectrum as a potential scrabble partner.  While the degree of intensity varies, the guy discussing knitting with a female "friend"  imagines guiding her out of her clothes and into the sack.  Best not to spark anything--or get out of the relationship first.

Please tell me you're kidding.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Fleur on July 20, 2012, 08:20:13 AM


Personally, I cannot see why a personís gender should be a deciding factor re how we meet up/spend time together. I know that other people feel differently. (I also think this may vary depending on people's backgrounds/cultures. I might be seen as a wildly liberal European.)

Try to think about why it makes you feel uncomfortable. If it is because you do not feel secure enough in your relationship, then maybe you need to address that?

Because in these types of situations, the temptation to do what comes naturally always looms.  If the boyfriend takes his relationship seriously, he should avoid this visit and only see the friend in mixed company or in the presence of his girlfriend.  It is not insecure of the gf to be concerned.

I don't know. To me, it does not "come naturally" to hop into bed with most of my friends. It honestly wouldn't even occur to me.


Would that mean that anytime I see a male person on my own there would be a temptation looming?


For the most part, from the male perspective, yes.  It isn't good for a relationship for the male partner to spend one-on-one time with a woman who isn't his spouse/girlfriend (or female relative).  Man is a slavering, ravenous wolf who views most women in a certain spectrum as a potential scrabble partner.  While the degree of intensity varies, the guy discussing knitting with a female "friend"  imagines guiding her out of her clothes and into the sack.  Best not to spark anything--or get out of the relationship first.

If it isn't a joke, this post is absurd. Utterly. I am a young woman who has plenty of heterosexual male friends. While I consider myself to be reasonably attractive, I have had my share of boyfriends, I certainly don't think that every man I know wants to jump my bones. It just doesn't work like that. I presume from your post that you are male, it was a little unclear. If so, I don't think that you should presume to speak for all men. If you are female, then you need to rethink your attitude to men, stat.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: bopper on July 20, 2012, 08:26:22 AM
I think this situation shows that the boyfriend does not have good boundaries.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Piratelvr1121 on July 20, 2012, 09:13:27 AM
Part of me says that if he's known her for almost 20 years, if they were going to get together they would have done so long ago.  I'm not sure why they'd wait until he was dating to do this.

Not to say it's the case in OP's situation, but DH had a female friend who was only ever interested him when he was not available.  Or when she was available.  It was always when they were both in a relationship that she wanted him.  ::)

I never mind when he's hanging out with most female friends, but the women who tend to get especially flirty with a man that's taken, they bug me. I trust him not to do anything, but it's still annoying.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Nika on July 20, 2012, 10:16:05 AM
I've been going back and forth on this in my mind, trying to figure out how I would feel if my fiance was doing this. I was having trouble thinking of him doing it with a female friend, because for whatever reason he doesn't really have those, so I thought: okay, what if it was one of his guy friends? Dinner, movie, staying the night?

And I realized - if he had plans like this with a guy friend, I would tease him for going on a date with his buddy.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Ticia on July 20, 2012, 10:19:59 AM
For the most part, from the male perspective, yes.  It isn't good for a relationship for the male partner to spend one-on-one time with a woman who isn't his spouse/girlfriend (or female relative).  Man is a slavering, ravenous wolf who views most women in a certain spectrum as a potential scrabble partner.  While the degree of intensity varies, the guy discussing knitting with a female "friend"  imagines guiding her out of her clothes and into the sack.  Best not to spark anything--or get out of the relationship first.

This is completely inappropriate and insulting. Please don't presume to speak for all men everywhere. You've insulted all of our fathers, husbands, brothers and friends.

Speaking for yourself is fine, but this is so far over the line that it's not even funny.

Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Decimus on July 20, 2012, 10:26:27 AM
I hate to say it, but something here seems off to me.

Now, there may be reasonable explanations for it; for example, the last bus may leave at 8pm, they won't finish until later, and it's not safe/practical to walk home so watching a movie on the tv makes sense.  Or maybe the buses run all night and there's no reason he couldn't just go home.

I will say that when your friend -- of any gender -- reaches the "engagement" point I feel it is incumbent to at least invite the fiance/fiancee.  In this case I'd think the female friend might have said something like "your fiancee is welcome too" or "I'd invite your fiancee but the couch isn't big enough" or something along those lines.

Perhaps I'm unusual but I try and talk to my SO every night, even though she's far away.  How often do you communicate?  Could you say something like "Why don't I call you at 10pm so I know you're okay?"  You may be able to read something from his response, which could be anywhere from "Oh that would be great! I really miss you!" to "Uhhhh... my phone won't work there."
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Moray on July 20, 2012, 10:30:44 AM
Thanks, Ticia.

I don't think the problem here is that all (or even some) men are ravenous, sex-crazed lunatics walking around in a perpetual state of Pon Farr. The problem is that this guy isn't being quite up front about why he wants to spend the night with his buddy, who happens to be female.

I don't have a problem with men and women spending time together as friends, and I've always chosen relationships where my partner and I have similar feelings on the matter and trust each other to be faithful ('cause, hey, the other people are just friends, so why would fidelity be a problem?)

I do have a problem with someone saying "Oh, I need to go do [x chore] that no one else can possibly do, and *that's* why I'm going out to dinner, grabbing a movie, spending the night and having breakfast with my friend." vs "Friend and I haven't seen each other in a while and we're planning some awesome catch-up time when I go over to do [x chore]." One is honest, and the other one sounds contrived.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Perfect Circle on July 20, 2012, 10:32:55 AM

I do have a problem with someone saying "Oh, I need to go do [x chore] that no one else can possibly do, and *that's* why I'm going out to dinner, grabbing a movie, spending the night and having breakfast with my friend." vs "Friend and I haven't seen each other in a while and we're planning some awesome catch-up time when I go over to do [x chore]." One is honest, and the other one sounds contrived.

That's it - I am not remotely jealous and the second scenario would not bother me in the slightest.  But I also expect honesty in my relationship.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: DavidH on July 20, 2012, 10:37:04 AM
I think this comment, "Because in these types of situations, the temptation to do what comes naturally always looms." is more a reflection on the poster than the world in general.  I disagree with Ricker's comment, but it isn't too much worse other than being explicit rather than discretely worded.  One could also write a similar statement about women being seductresses etc. which would have the same set of problems.

What comes naturally to many people is to be friends, enjoy the person's company, have conversation, participate in platonic activities that both enjoy, etc.  If the only thing that one thinks comes naturally between men and women is scrabble, then I think that's a sorry state of affairs. 

From an etiquette point of view, if you can't talk to your bf or gf about your relationship, something is just wrong.  I would say it's rude to accuse them of cheating or trying to cheat without clear evidence, but not wrong to say something makes you uncomfortable.  For example, if you said, "I can't believe you want to go help her, I just know you'll jump right into bed with her" that seems rude and not productive.  On the other hand, saying, "You going to spend the night makes me uncomfortable, can we talk about it" is perfectly fine. 
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: The Ricker on July 20, 2012, 11:20:35 AM

What comes naturally to many people is to be friends, enjoy the person's company, have conversation, participate in platonic activities that both enjoy, etc.  If the only thing that one thinks comes naturally between men and women is scrabble, then I think that's a sorry state of affairs.

Agreed--in mixed/multiple company, not one-on-one alone with a woman who is not your spouse/partner.  Sure, the guy can do that a couple of times and out of a modicum of respect for his current relationship, stay faithful.  But if the one-on-one's continue to be manufactured and acquiesed to, the existing relationship will fray, if the guy nurtures an attraction for the other woman.  And if that woman is in the guy's spectrum of attractive women, it is bound to happen.Even assuming the other woman resists his advances--the existing relationship is damaged. 
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Moray on July 20, 2012, 11:27:51 AM

What comes naturally to many people is to be friends, enjoy the person's company, have conversation, participate in platonic activities that both enjoy, etc.  If the only thing that one thinks comes naturally between men and women is scrabble, then I think that's a sorry state of affairs.

Agreed--in mixed/multiple company, not one-on-one alone with a woman who is not your spouse/partner.  Sure, the guy can do that a couple of times and out of a modicum of respect for his current relationship, stay faithful.  But if the one-on-one's continue to be manufactured and acquiesed to, the existing relationship will fray, if the guy nurtures an attraction for the other woman.  And if that woman is in the guy's spectrum of attractive women, it is bound to happen.Even assuming the other woman resists his advances--the existing relationship is damaged.

Dude, are you trolling us or what? You've been told multiple times (by men and women) that your comments are just not on. Speak for yourself if you can't keep it in your pants, but don't paint everyone with the same brush.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Yvaine on July 20, 2012, 11:29:42 AM

What comes naturally to many people is to be friends, enjoy the person's company, have conversation, participate in platonic activities that both enjoy, etc.  If the only thing that one thinks comes naturally between men and women is scrabble, then I think that's a sorry state of affairs.

Agreed--in mixed/multiple company, not one-on-one alone with a woman who is not your spouse/partner.  Sure, the guy can do that a couple of times and out of a modicum of respect for his current relationship, stay faithful.  But if the one-on-one's continue to be manufactured and acquiesed to, the existing relationship will fray, if the guy nurtures an attraction for the other woman.  And if that woman is in the guy's spectrum of attractive women, it is bound to happen.Even assuming the other woman resists his advances--the existing relationship is damaged.

Dude, are you trolling us or what? You've been told multiple times (by men and women) that your comments are just not on. Speak for yourself if you can't keep it in your pants, but don't paint everyone with the same brush.

This.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: audrey11 on July 20, 2012, 11:31:33 AM
Apparently I'm going to go way against the grain here, but this sounds exactly like my BFF and I.  We've known each other 20 years and he almost always sleeps over when we're hanging out at my place.  His wife doesn't mind, and is almost never invited.  It's not that she and I don't like each other, but we have such different interests that there's not much to talk about once we're done discussing the weather.  There is nothing untoward going on between my BFF and I.  We've had ample chances before he got married to be together, but since the idea makes both of us throw up a little in our mouths, it's much more like a brother-sister relationship. 
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Moray on July 20, 2012, 11:35:55 AM
Apparently I'm going to go way against the grain here, but this sounds exactly like my BFF and I.  We've known each other 20 years and he almost always sleeps over when we're hanging out at my place.  His wife doesn't mind, and is almost never invited.  It's not that she and I don't like each other, but we have such different interests that there's not much to talk about once we're done discussing the weather.  There is nothing untoward going on between my BFF and I.  We've had ample chances before he got married to be together, but since the idea makes both of us throw up a little in our mouths, it's much more like a brother-sister relationship.

I don't think that's going against the grain at all. I'd wager that when you're hanging out with your friend, he tells his wife: "I'm going to hang out with audrey11, I'll see you tomorrow.", not "I'm only going over to do a chore that shouldn't take long but I'm not coming home and BTW, I let audrey11 know I'm sleeping on the couch*"

*thereby implying that this isn't the default
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: cass2591 on July 20, 2012, 11:55:43 AM
Don't bother to reply to the Ricker anymore because he's left the building.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: MariaE on July 20, 2012, 12:00:35 PM
Apparently I'm going to go way against the grain here, but this sounds exactly like my BFF and I.  We've known each other 20 years and he almost always sleeps over when we're hanging out at my place.  His wife doesn't mind, and is almost never invited.  It's not that she and I don't like each other, but we have such different interests that there's not much to talk about once we're done discussing the weather.  There is nothing untoward going on between my BFF and I.  We've had ample chances before he got married to be together, but since the idea makes both of us throw up a little in our mouths, it's much more like a brother-sister relationship.

I don't think that's going against the grain at all. I'd wager that when you're hanging out with your friend, he tells his wife: "I'm going to hang out with audrey11, I'll see you tomorrow.", not "I'm only going over to do a chore that shouldn't take long but I'm not coming home and BTW, I let audrey11 know I'm sleeping on the couch*"

*thereby implying that this isn't the default

Exactly. It's all in a) the delivery b) the friendship.

My husband's best friend through 20 years is female. I would not bat an eyelid if he told me that for simplicity's sake, he'd be sleeping over at her place. Heck, I wouldn't even mind if they slept in the same bed! I trust that relationship 100%.

On the other hand, he has another friend where I'd actually probably go so far as forbid it. And if he insisted, I'd seriously be reconsidering our relationship.

OP, only you can say whether this is dodgy or not. If your gut feeling is telling you that it's off, then it is.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Jones on July 20, 2012, 12:21:12 PM
There are some women I would be fine with my husband visiting overnight in the situation described. However, there are others I do not trust--I trust DH but I do not trust those women to not sling mud around town. "Ooo, Mr. Jones stayed at my house overnight, and you know what we DID?" I've had my reputation slandered due to similar people, I don't want Mr. Jones slandered the same way.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Knitterly on July 20, 2012, 12:21:59 PM
Normally I would say that this is okay.  However, this thread (http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=112742.msg2622375#msg2622375) that you started a few months ago combined with your current dilemma sends up some red flags.

It sounds to me like something in your gut is telling you something is out of place.  Listen to your gut! 

Contrary to some other posts, not all guys are dirtbags.  For instance, I would trust my husband to stay in the house of a long time female friend.  However, I have met all of his female friends.  We may not have much in common.  We may not hang out often.  But I've met them and have cultivated my own friendships with them, so there is trust built up on both sides.

If your gut instinct is telling you that this is fishy, it probably is.  Listen to your instincts.  A lot of people don't listen enough to their instincts, even when those instincts are screaming "Red Alert!!"

If your gut instinct is telling you that all is fine, then it probably is.  But if your gut instinct were saying that, I expect you wouldn't be asking for advice here. 

From an etiquette standpoint, there is absolutely nothing wrong or rude in saying "I am not comfortable with that arrangement, as I feel it is disrespectful to our long-standing relationship."  You are not being whiney or controlling in expressing your concerns, so long as you do so politely.  You can even insist that he does not do something, and reconsider your relationship if he does it anyway without being demanding or controlling.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Reason on July 20, 2012, 12:34:59 PM
Exactly. It's all in a) the delivery b) the friendship.

My husband's best friend through 20 years is female. I would not bat an eyelid if he told me that for simplicity's sake, he'd be sleeping over at her place. Heck, I wouldn't even mind if they slept in the same bed! I trust that relationship 100%.

On the other hand, he has another friend where I'd actually probably go so far as forbid it. And if he insisted, I'd seriously be reconsidering our relationship.

OP, only you can say whether this is dodgy or not. If your gut feeling is telling you that it's off, then it is.


I don't think forbidding the actions of another adult is on the table in this discussion. It's certainly not polite to do so.

All the OP can do is decide if she's comfortable with the relationship between her boyfriend and his lady friend and act based on that. She can not tell him what to do and she probably shouldn't use ultimatums and threats of leaving as a tool to get her way. As far as the etiquette regarding a man sleeping over at a friend's place, I don't think there is any specific etiquette per se regarding genders.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: bah12 on July 20, 2012, 12:40:45 PM
My take is that the OP is obviously a little uncomfortable, otherwise she probably wouldn't hav asked for advice.  And while I do believe that there are many circumstances and scenarios out there where this would be fine, it doesn't seem like it in this case.

Given the previous posts about this same boyfriend, I doubt I'd change my thoughts, but some things that are still unclear that may change how I personally feel about it.

1.  If the OP has met this friend.  They've been together for over a year and this is a good friend of almost 20 years. So have they met and what is the nature of that friendship/how does the OP fit into that friendship?

2.  What is the real distance between the BF's apartment and his friend's apartment?  Because I would be willing to cut them more slack on the logistics of spending the night if it's an hour bus ride and if the buses stop riding.  If he lives pretty close to her, I think she should offer him cab fare home.

3.  How did the BF approach the OP about this to begin with?  Did he talk to her to get her thoughts on it or did he just inform her that these are his plans.  For instance, did he say "Hey, my buddy called me today and was wondering if I could help her hang some stuff from the ceiling. She's a good friend and I want to help her out.  It looks like the only day that works for both of us is this Friday night.  Unfortunately, going after work means that I might not get done in time to catch the bus back.  She offered me her couch and I want to see how you feel about it.". 

Or did he say:  "Yeah, I can't hang out with your Friday night or Saturday because I'm going over to buddy's house to hang some stuff on the ceiling.  We don't know how long it will take, so I'm just going to spend the night.  But don't freak out, because I'll be on the couch.  We're going to breakfast the next morning too, so I won't be back in town until late morning/early afternoon."

I don't think the latter is how you approach something like this with a person that you are serious enough to discuss marriage with.

4.  And finally, did he explore other options.  Did he consider going over on Saturday instead?  Is there a reason the OP wasn't invited along?  Like, maybe she has plans for Friday and they weren't going to hang out anyway. 

Really, only the OP could answer these and I'd love an update.  It seems that this event is planned for tonight....
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: SiotehCat on July 20, 2012, 01:02:18 PM
I would never allow my DH to sleep at another woman's house.

I think you need to figure out what you are comfortable with and then discuss it with your BF. Every relationship has its own rules.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Garden Goblin on July 20, 2012, 02:11:16 PM
There are cases in which I wouldn't mind one bit if my husband called up and said 'hey, it's late, don't want to drive, I'm crashing on XX's couch.'  Ditto where he wouldn't mind one bit if I called up and said, 'hey, it's late, don't want to drive, I'm crashing on XY's couch.' 

I trust my husband implicitly and the reverse is also true, but there are friends we have where this wouldn't be acceptable.  It has nothing to do with my trust level in my husband, and everything to do with my trust level in a particular female - namely, I think she's take it the wrong way, so it's unacceptable.

If he called me up and said, 'I'm hot, Jean and I are going skinny dipping', I wouldn't have an issue either because I trust them both completely.  However, if he called me up and said, 'Val said it's late and I should just crash on the couch', my response would be 'what the hell are you doing at her place without a chaperone, I'm dispatching the FBI hostage negotiation squad!?!!' because I don't trust her one bit and know she would try to create a compromising situation for him.

So, ask yourself, do you trust this particular female friend and are you comfortable with her spending the night with your man?  If so, and you trust him, then it isn't an issue.

If you don't trust her, then it is an issue, whether you trust him or not (at the least, it's a headache you and he both don't need).

And of course, if you don't trust him, it's an issue, but a larger issue than just this particular event.

Frankly, if you can't trust your significant other to be alone with a member of the opposite gender, you should be rethinking the relationship or addressing your own underlying issues.  Trust is vital to a working relationship.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Moray on July 20, 2012, 02:27:53 PM
I would never allow my DH to sleep at another woman's house.

I think you need to figure out what you are comfortable with and then discuss it with your BF. Every relationship has its own rules.

OT, but congrats on your recent marriage!
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Winterlight on July 20, 2012, 07:26:23 PM
I have male friends whom I have invited to crash at my place or at whose places I have crashed. I don't have a problem with it as a general rule.

However, this case sounds weird to me and my hinky meter would be beeping.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Dr. F. on July 20, 2012, 07:46:24 PM
I haven't read all of the responses yet, so I hope I'm not duplicative.

I've been trying to put myself in the position of the female friend. For various reasons, I've ended up staying in various places alone with the boyfriends/fiances/husbands of friends. It's never been an issue. Of course, if anyone had made moves, my response would have been astonished horror, and my attitude has been one of calm matter-of-factness throughout, so that may be part of the reason.

If I were the female friend and offered this invitation, it would have been to catch up with male friend, and, probably, because I was worried about him in some way. Particularly in some way I didn't feel comfortable talking about in front of his girlfriend.

Now, that's just me, and doesn't necessarily mean that's what the female friend is thinking, but that's another perspective.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: C0mputerGeek on July 20, 2012, 08:45:26 PM
Some thoughts:

1. My "entertainment room" was originally and outdoor patio. Part of the ceiling is cement. I can't hang anything in it myself because it requires a special drill (you cannot use a regular nail on cement). Depending on what needs to be hung from the ceiling (perhaps the mount for a large television?), I can see this taking a while.

2. I know for a fact that the Metro stops running sometime between midnight and 2AM; I believe the bus does too. It goes through a rather sketchy area so anyone who arrived at my home via public transportation might not be able to take the train/bus back home that same day depending on how late they arrived and how long the task took.

3. When someone does a favor for me, I tend to repay them with food. I'll either cook or take them out to dinner.

Having said all that, when I need work done to my home I either do it myself or pay my  handyman to take care of it. In the unlikely event that I needed a friend to take care of it, I'd invite their significant other as well.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: blarg314 on July 20, 2012, 09:04:31 PM
I have a lot of platonic male friends. I've had some of them sleep at my place, and I've crashed at their places, for reasons varying from a vacation visit, to not wanting to drive home after a few drinks, to needing a place to stay while finding an apartment. I've also had, by quick count, 20 male roommates as an adult, with relationship statuses varying from single to in a relationship to looking for a relationship, to engaged, to married, to long distance relationship, to divorced.

Not once has any of them behaved in anything but a polite and appropriate fashion as far as sex and romance go.

There are some guys I know who I wouldn't share a room or apartment with, because I wouldn't trust them to behave, or there are complicating factors. For example - a guy with a jealous or controlling girlfriend/spouse, or a situation which involved the guy lying or hiding it from his SO, or who had troubles with alcohol.  I also wouldn't do it in the case of a guy who I knew had feelings for me, because that's asking for a problem. Sharing a room with a platonic male friend
and sharing a room with someone when there is one sided or mutual attraction are very different things.

So no, all men are not slavering wolves completely unable to resist trying to have sex with any woman they happen to be alone with, whether or not that woman is interested in them.

For my husband, in general, I wouldn't have a problem with him visiting a female friend. If I didn't trust him to behave when I wasn't there, I wouldn't have married him. I would, however, reserve the right to veto a particular instance  that made me uncomfortable - the most likely would be a case where the woman was making a play for him, but he didn't realize or notice.

The OP's case, though, is one where she *doesn't* trust her boyfriend to behave properly when visiting his friend, even if she hasn't really admitted that to herself.  And from previous posts, it sounds like that mistrust is realistic, not coming out of thin air.

The big thing will be how the BF reacts if she voices her concerns, though.




Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: LifeOnPluto on July 21, 2012, 03:14:02 AM
I haven't read all of the responses yet, so I hope I'm not duplicative.

I've been trying to put myself in the position of the female friend. For various reasons, I've ended up staying in various places alone with the boyfriends/fiances/husbands of friends. It's never been an issue. Of course, if anyone had made moves, my response would have been astonished horror, and my attitude has been one of calm matter-of-factness throughout, so that may be part of the reason.

If I were the female friend and offered this invitation, it would have been to catch up with male friend, and, probably, because I was worried about him in some way. Particularly in some way I didn't feel comfortable talking about in front of his girlfriend.

Now, that's just me, and doesn't necessarily mean that's what the female friend is thinking, but that's another perspective.

I think it's a valid perspective. I personally don't think there's anything wrong per se with a Female Friend wanting to see her male friend alone, without his girlfriend present. However, the Female Friend needs to consider what type of catch up activities are appropriate.

Like a couple of previous posters, my rule of thumb is that if you wouldn't do something with a friend of the same gender, you shouldn't be doing something with a friend of the opposite gender. For example, meeting for a Sunday brunch at a cafe is ok. But meeting for dinner on a Saturday night at a fancy, candle-lit restaurant is not.

So I think the female friend in this case wanting to speak to the OP's boyfriend alone - especially if she was worried about him - was ok in itself. But she should have arranged a casual lunch or coffee or something. Not dinner, movie, sleepover, and breakfast all at her house. That's a bit too date-like, IMO.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Mental Magpie on July 22, 2012, 12:37:59 AM
I scanned through the pages, so I may have missed this, buuuut...my take on, "only if I sleep on the couch" is that "Even though I'm a guest, I won't take your bed even if you insist and make you sleep on the couch.  I'll only do this if you let me take the couch."

Way before Dark Boyfriend and I were dating, he tried to insist on taking the couch while I slept in his bed.  I looked at his 6'2" frame, plainly sized up myself at 5'7", then looked at the small love seat.  I insisted on the love seat because I was shorter and thus would be less uncomfortable. 
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: greencat on July 22, 2012, 06:00:47 AM
There aren't really any etiquette rules regarding this.  This is more of a communication issue between the OP and her BF.  While there's nothing wrong with spending time with a friend of the opposite gender, as the OP is not comfortable with the plans, if her BF goes on with them anyway, it's probably a good idea to re-evaluate the relationship.

I think I have a bit of a unique perspective on this one - I've been the female friend a few times.  My relationship with a guy would be completely platonic, and they didn't think anything was wrong with hanging out with me like I was one of their guy friends, but their girlfriends hated me on principle and wouldn't even try to get to know me.  One girl was actually mad enough about it to use it as a reason to end the relationship with my friend.  The general feeling on the part of my friends was that if their girlfriends wouldn't trust them or join us hanging out, which they were always welcome to do, then they shouldn't be dating them anyway.  My friends generally are of the opinion that preventing your boyfriend or girlfriend from hanging out with their friends is a controlling or even abusive behavior.

I think if OP's boyfriend was trying to sneak around, he wouldn't have gone into so much detail about the planned activities - might even have lied about who he was staying with.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: shadowfox79 on July 22, 2012, 08:16:57 AM
There aren't really any etiquette rules regarding this.  This is more of a communication issue between the OP and her BF.  While there's nothing wrong with spending time with a friend of the opposite gender, as the OP is not comfortable with the plans, if her BF goes on with them anyway, it's probably a good idea to re-evaluate the relationship.

I think if OP's boyfriend was trying to sneak around, he wouldn't have gone into so much detail about the planned activities - might even have lied about who he was staying with.

Just like to add that this isn't necessarily the case - speaking as someone who cheerfully waved her husband off to meet his best female friend for drinks more than once, and later discovered they'd spent those "drinks" times in the back seat of Friend's car.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: FauxFoodist on July 22, 2012, 04:34:38 PM
First, I agree that this is a relationship issue, not etiquette, so what is "proper" depends upon the dynamics of the OP's relationship with her DF.

I discussed this thread with my DF last night, and we found we both felt that the advanced planning of not only sleeping over but the activities for dinner, a movie and breakfast sounded inappropriate (it sounds like helping with the ceiling is an excuse to schedule the date-like activities).  I did point out that our value system as Catholics might be different from those who don't have those rules, but we still found this situation to be questionable.  Neither of us understands why OP's DF can't arrange to take an early bus there, help with the ceiling then take the bus home, even though it's an hour there and back by bus (I used to take three buses to work and back, and it took me about two hours each way starting at 5:15am and getting back home around 6:45pm with a 9-hour workday in between so I'm not seeing why sleeping over is necessary here without more information).

Anyway, my feeling is that what's important here is that the situation bothers the OP so she needs to discuss it with her DF.  We already know from previous threads that her DF has a problem setting acceptable boundaries given he's in a relationship, never mind a serious one, with her.  This situation would bother me for the fact that I'd wonder if it were a precursor of things to come -- e.g. would this friend be expecting/requesting similar help and social activity (and possible sleepovers) in the future?  That would concern me in addition to the idea that anything compromising could occur.  I know from reading other responses that we all have different levels of acceptability for relationships outside of that of the couple, but I wonder how many of us would want someone else to come to expect our SO's to keep coming to his/her aid instead of finding someone else since the first person is now "busy?"  I know I wouldn't worry about a once-in-a-blue-moon thing (like helping someone move into/out of a home), but I'd wonder if the requests seemed a bit frequent (like every month or so).  My DF has had female friends who learned to depend upon his assistance and company before we got together.  Well, he had a lot of free time since he wasn't in a relationship.  Once we got together, though, that free time was no longer available, and more than one person was not okay that he was no longer freely available to them (more than one tried to take it out on me).

Again, my point is I think the OP and her DF need to discuss the matter.  She needs to express to her DF her discomfort with the situation and, maybe, they could figure out a compromise (such as he breaks up the task over a couple of days without sleeping over -- really, if the point is he helps with that task then dinner, movie and breakfast aren't necessary; the OP could also volunteer her assistance as others have suggested).  Should her DF not respond favorably or is unopen to suggestions -- should he be unwilling to put his relationship with the OP first, basically -- then I'd wonder about the future of the relationship.  Again, it could be a precursor of things to come.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Kiwichick on July 23, 2012, 07:54:05 AM
So how did it go?  Did he stay over?
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Nora on July 23, 2012, 08:19:34 AM
I too would like to know how this resolved itself.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Aeris on July 25, 2012, 11:29:32 PM
Any updates?
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Mr Wigglybones on July 26, 2012, 04:19:08 AM
Coming to this late, but what struck me was that the female friend asked if he could stay over. I certainly believe that men and women can have purely platonic friendships and I believe people can sleep at their male/female friend's place without anything happening. But usually when I've slept over at a friend's place it has been a case of going over there and it getting late and then the friend offers to let me crash the night. Alternately, when inviting me they could say "and if it gets too late feel free to crash over". I guess what's bothering me is that these two have arranged in advance for the BF to stay the night and all this just from hanging someone for the friend. Why can't he just do it the next morning and not spend a night sleeping over?
This all seems rather dubious to me.

I too am curious as to how this all played out and I hope for the OP's sake that our concerns are unfounded.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: gramma dishes on July 26, 2012, 08:25:08 AM
...    and all this just from hanging someone for the friend. Why can't he just do it the next morning and not spend a night sleeping over?


Well, if he's going to go to all the trouble to hang someone for her I think he probably deserves to spend the night and have a free breakfast!!   ;D
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: JenJay on July 26, 2012, 03:29:04 PM
...    and all this just from hanging someone for the friend. Why can't he just do it the next morning and not spend a night sleeping over?


Well, if he's going to go to all the trouble to hang someone for her I think he probably deserves to spend the night and have a free breakfast!!   ;D

 ;D   ;D   ;D
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Jones on July 26, 2012, 03:48:37 PM
Who seriously wants to sleep and eat after a hanging? Those things are messy.

 :P  ;D
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: veryfluffy on July 26, 2012, 05:14:47 PM
I find this thread amusing because I know at least two people who left their spouses for a "friend" of the same sex.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Allyson on July 26, 2012, 07:18:01 PM
I find this thread amusing because I know at least two people who left their spouses for a "friend" of the same sex.

Yeah, you can't always tell what will happen! The idea that men and women can't be friends only works if you assume everyone is straight.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Moray on July 27, 2012, 03:56:08 PM
So, OP, what happened?
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Ki on July 27, 2012, 08:31:49 PM
For DH and I, overnight hangouts/roommates of either gender aren't a big deal, in large part because of solid trust and communication between us, as well as general philosophical agreement on the matter. We've also met all of each other's close friends, and where needed discussed, set, and enforced boundaries that we felt we needed to be comfortable.

This situation is not strictly laid out in etiquette - it's really between the two of you to decide what's appropriate and out-of-bounds.. As others have said, you need to talk with him to discuss your concerns and the appropriateness of this plan in the context of your relationship. If you're not comfortable, you need to speak up - and he needs to respect your point of view.

Having read your previous threads regarding your boyfriend, I'm concerned that he doesn't seem to consider your peace of mind very often and has issues maintaining boundaries. It also seems that his female friends come up as an issue frequently. If you're discussing marriage then I would expect you to be each other's top priority, or climbing rapidly toward that state. Has he shown you that you come first?
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: snugglegirl05 on July 30, 2012, 10:50:07 AM
He ended up cancelling.

However, his long-term female friend & Daniel *the guy she keeps wanting to guy out with, but who does not want to go out with her* would like the 2 of us go out to dinner with them at some point again. 

My boyfriend also would like me to be friends with his female friend.

I would rather have the 2 of us go over to her  place on a Saturday morning to help her hang stuff from her ceiling. She lives in an historic part of town, & I would like for he & I to go for a walk & to go sightseeing after the project is completed. Turns out his female friend does not work. She is on disability.

Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Aeris on July 30, 2012, 11:48:54 AM
He ended up cancelling.

However, his long-term female friend & Daniel *the guy she keeps wanting to guy out with, but who does not want to go out with her* would like the 2 of us go out to dinner with them at some point again. 

My boyfriend also would like me to be friends with his female friend.

I would rather have the 2 of us go over to her  place on a Saturday morning to help her hang stuff from her ceiling. She lives in an historic part of town, & I would like for he & I to go for a walk & to go sightseeing after the project is completed. Turns out his female friend does not work. She is on disability.

Thanks for coming back with an update.

I think it's good that he cancelled, all things considered. I don't see anything wrong with you/BF/female friend/Daniel going out to dinner as a group, not sure what your issue with that is. I also don't see why you can't do that AND go over there on a Saturday morning sometime. Those both sound like perfectly decent ideas.

Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: gramma dishes on July 30, 2012, 11:54:06 AM
I agree with Aeris' entire post.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: snugglegirl05 on July 30, 2012, 12:07:05 PM
Thanks for coming back with an update.

I think it's good that he cancelled, all things considered. I don't see anything wrong with you/BF/female friend/Daniel going out to dinner as a group, not sure what your issue with that is. I also don't see why you can't do that AND go over there on a Saturday morning sometime. Those both sound like perfectly decent ideas.

I am just a little nervous going out to dinner with all 3 of them considering that he cancelled.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: FauxFoodist on July 30, 2012, 12:17:13 PM
I am just a little nervous going out to dinner with all 3 of them considering that he cancelled.

What was the reason he gave for canceling?  Is that why you're nervous?

I don't think there's anything wrong with your BF wanting you and his female friend to be friends, but I'd warn him to back off on that -- that if it were to happen, it would happen naturally.

I'd consider the suggestion of dinner a blessing -- to me, I'd see that it's near the end of the day so that reduces the amount of possible time hanging out (bonus if it's scheduled on a worknight).  That's just me, though.  I'm not fond of socializing while DF is so I like to schedule things to have an out if I'm not enjoying meeting new people or feel overwhelmed (I have a bit of social anxiety and get drained by too much social activity).  OR, you could have breakfast together the Saturday morning you're to hang stuff at her place, then hang the stuff and go have your walk, just the two of you (you're going to be around her anyway to do the favor so why not group the activities all on the same day?).
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Nika on July 30, 2012, 12:22:05 PM
Thanks for coming back with an update.

I think it's good that he cancelled, all things considered. I don't see anything wrong with you/BF/female friend/Daniel going out to dinner as a group, not sure what your issue with that is. I also don't see why you can't do that AND go over there on a Saturday morning sometime. Those both sound like perfectly decent ideas.

I am just a little nervous going out to dinner with all 3 of them considering that he cancelled.

Just an FYI - I had to read this about three times before I realized you were quoting Aeris. I couldn't figure out why you were thanking yourself for updating!  ;D

I'd suggest using the quote feature, or at least italics or something.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Twik on July 30, 2012, 12:37:50 PM
I could see the issue with Daniel could be that he's not going to show up, because that would be like dating Friend, and Friend will sulk the entire time. Not a pleasant evening.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Amava on July 30, 2012, 06:46:17 PM
He ended up cancelling.

However, his long-term female friend & Daniel *the guy she keeps wanting to guy out with, but who does not want to go out with her* would like the 2 of us go out to dinner with them at some point again. 

My boyfriend also would like me to be friends with his female friend.

I would rather have the 2 of us go over to her  place on a Saturday morning to help her hang stuff from her ceiling. She lives in an historic part of town, & I would like for he & I to go for a walk & to go sightseeing after the project is completed. Turns out his female friend does not work. She is on disability.

That sounds uncomfortable for Daniel, to be pushed into a "double date" with the person he doesn't want to date and another couple.  ???

I think I'm missing something here, though, what does the fact that she is on disability have to do with anything?
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: WillyNilly on July 30, 2012, 08:29:56 PM
He ended up cancelling.

However, his long-term female friend & Daniel *the guy she keeps wanting to guy out with, but who does not want to go out with her* would like the 2 of us go out to dinner with them at some point again. 

My boyfriend also would like me to be friends with his female friend.

I would rather have the 2 of us go over to her  place on a Saturday morning to help her hang stuff from her ceiling. She lives in an historic part of town, & I would like for he & I to go for a walk & to go sightseeing after the project is completed. Turns out his female friend does not work. She is on disability.

I like a romantic walk through a historic part of town too, but think about this a bit.  Your boyfriend wants you to become friends with his friends - that's an invitation you should take him up on.  Friendships and group outings and parties and such are a big part of some people's lives, and its important to them to be able to share those things with their mate. 

You should go to dinner and make an effort.  And if you go with him on a Saturday don't have him hang the light then immediately drag him off on a walk just the two of you - hang out with his friend for a while.  Being friends with her could be a fun thing for you if you're going to go forward in your relationship.  And if you don't get along with his friends, that's an important thing to know, and think about.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: LifeOnPluto on July 31, 2012, 06:41:09 AM
I'd make it beers or coffee, rather than dinner. That way it's less like a double date (and less awkward for Daniel!)

Also, if you find that you don't hit it off with the Female Friend, you don't have to hang around for as long.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: snugglegirl05 on September 22, 2012, 08:52:39 AM
Turns out my boyfriends female friend is mad at him because she thinks I would not have liked his going over to her place on a Friday night, hanging stuff from her ceiling, having dinner at her place, watching a movie, spending the night at her place, & then going out to breakfast the following morning.

He chose to give her space to get over the disappointment of his canceling their plans. He has not spoken to her in a while. He told me all of this a couple of days ago.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Piratelvr1121 on September 22, 2012, 09:02:15 AM
Hmm.  Well I for one wouldn't be comfortable with that and that just has all the makings of "Date Night at home". I guess it could be innocent, but her reaction makes me wonder.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: gramma dishes on September 22, 2012, 09:09:06 AM
Turns out my boyfriends female friend is mad at him because she thinks I would not have liked his going over to her place on a Friday night, hanging stuff from her ceiling, having dinner at her place, watching a movie, spending the night at her place, & then going out to breakfast the following morning.

He chose to give her space to get over the disappointment of his canceling their plans. He has not spoken to her in a while. He told me all of this a couple of days ago.

Good for your boyfriend for canceling the plans.  It sounds from her reaction that you (and most of the rest of us) had it pegged.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: FauxFoodist on September 22, 2012, 10:18:50 AM
Hmm.  Well I for one wouldn't be comfortable with that and that just has all the makings of "Date Night at home". I guess it could be innocent, but her reaction makes me wonder.

It makes me wonder, also.  I think BF made the right call by giving his friend space to get over it.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: AustenFan on September 22, 2012, 10:40:50 AM
I can understand her reaction if they are truly just friends, because she would feel like OP is reading something into it that's not there, ascribing bad motives to her and then pressuring boyfriend to act on those assumed qualities. It would feel like being penalized for something she hasn't done.

That said, I have a bit of a problem with boyfriend telling friend why he was cancelling. In my mind that pretty much kills any chance these two women had of ever being friends, and was a cowardly way of dealing with the situation.

My opinion is influenced by the fact that I've been good friends with many people of the opposite sex, and met one of my best friends through her husband, who I have a (strictly platonic) very close friendship with. I know that some women wouldn't be comfortable with that.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Acadianna on September 22, 2012, 11:49:14 AM
My dating days go back 40 years (I understand things may be quite a bit different today), but Friend's invitation sounded very strange to me.  I had close male friends too, but there would be only two situations where I'd have invited any of them to spend the night:  (1) They had drunk too much alcohol to drive home safely or (2) They were from out of town and just needed a place to crash.

It sounds like this Friend is also the Ex from previous threads.  (Ex had cerebral palsy, and Friend is on disability.  Sounds like the same person.)  If I were the OP, I'd have been pretty suspicious that this was an attempt by Ex to get back together with Boyfriend.  Hang a few decorations, dinner, movie, stay over, breakfast -- I'd call that more of a date than hanging out with a friend.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Fleur on September 22, 2012, 12:08:06 PM
I can understand her reaction if they are truly just friends, because she would feel like OP is reading something into it that's not there, ascribing bad motives to her and then pressuring boyfriend to act on those assumed qualities. It would feel like being penalized for something she hasn't done.

That said, I have a bit of a problem with boyfriend telling friend why he was cancelling. In my mind that pretty much kills any chance these two women had of ever being friends, and was a cowardly way of dealing with the situation.

My opinion is influenced by the fact that I've been good friends with many people of the opposite sex, and met one of my best friends through her husband, who I have a (strictly platonic) very close friendship with. I know that some women wouldn't be comfortable with that.

I'm sorry, but I can't agree with this. I think that her reaction was unreasonable whatever her stance is: actually, I don't believe that her intentions were platonic. But even if they were, I think it is on her to understand that many, many people are not comfortable with that level of closeness between male and female friends. I would not be happy with my boyfriend going over to see a female friend in that way, unless I knew her very well indeed and trusted her 100%. Otherwise, no can do. If her intentions were honorable, then she had no business getting angry.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: FauxFoodist on September 22, 2012, 12:56:39 PM
I can understand her reaction if they are truly just friends, because she would feel like OP is reading something into it that's not there, ascribing bad motives to her and then pressuring boyfriend to act on those assumed qualities. It would feel like being penalized for something she hasn't done.

That said, I have a bit of a problem with boyfriend telling friend why he was cancelling. In my mind that pretty much kills any chance these two women had of ever being friends, and was a cowardly way of dealing with the situation.

My opinion is influenced by the fact that I've been good friends with many people of the opposite sex, and met one of my best friends through her husband, who I have a (strictly platonic) very close friendship with. I know that some women wouldn't be comfortable with that.

I'm sorry, but I can't agree with this. I think that her reaction was unreasonable whatever her stance is: actually, I don't believe that her intentions were platonic. But even if they were, I think it is on her to understand that many, many people are not comfortable with that level of closeness between male and female friends. I would not be happy with my boyfriend going over to see a female friend in that way, unless I knew her very well indeed and trusted her 100%. Otherwise, no can do. If her intentions were honorable, then she had no business getting angry.

I agree with Fleur.  The understanding friend wouldn't have reacted this way.  If that were me, I would've been sad, but I would've understood and realized the friendship has changed (which is what has happened in the past).  Also, the friend was asking him to spend hours with her doing activities that sound like they would've taken up far more time than the actual favor.  She could've scaled it way back to just the favor.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: AustenFan on September 22, 2012, 12:57:48 PM
If Friends intentions were honorable she wouldn't have viewed it any differently than a shared chalet style ski vacation, shared hotel concert trip or camping trip. I'm not saying that was the situation here, but since we know NOTHING of friends actual feelings or motivations it seems rude to assume she is trying to date OPs boyfriend when there are actually many situations in which friends would share living space without sleeping together.

I suspect OP would have mentioned if this was an ex as opposed to a friend (because that's very pertinent to the situation) so I'm not willing to make the jump that this is the same person. If if turns out to be then I'll jump sides, overnighting alone with an ex is weird.

Sorry this is disjointed and run-on, I'm on my phone and it's very hard to scroll.

It seems like the majority of posters here are focusing on friends reaction (and kind of villifying her) based on third hand information. That seems very illogical to me.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Mental Magpie on September 22, 2012, 01:08:03 PM
I'm with AustenFan on both counts. As Friend, knowing my intentions were innocent, I would feel like OP was judging me without getting to know me; that I unfair and I would be upset with that.

Further, if someone was doin me such a favor, I would be offering him as many things in return to make it less of a burden on him, like a place to crash, dinner, and even possibly breakfast. Until we have actual evidence Friend wants more than a friendship from OP's BF, I'm not quite willing to judge Friend as nefarious just yet.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Calypso on September 22, 2012, 01:32:04 PM
I don't know what kind of disability Friend has, but I have known quite a few disabled people who would plan the kind of day/evening she did with no ulterior motives except having some company.

Also, the OP said Friend is interested in another guy---so why assume she's after OP's boyfriend?
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: snugglegirl05 on September 22, 2012, 08:26:58 PM
My dating days go back 40 years (I understand things may be quite a bit different today), but Friend's invitation sounded very strange to me.  I had close male friends too, but there would be only two situations where I'd have invited any of them to spend the night:  (1) They had drunk too much alcohol to drive home safely or (2) They were from out of town and just needed a place to crash.

It sounds like this Friend is also the Ex from previous threads.  (Ex had cerebral palsy, and Friend is on disability.  Sounds like the same person.)  If I were the OP, I'd have been pretty suspicious that this was an attempt by Ex to get back together with Boyfriend.  Hang a few decorations, dinner, movie, stay over, breakfast -- I'd call that more of a date than hanging out with a friend.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: snugglegirl05 on September 22, 2012, 08:29:37 PM
Quote from: Acadianna

It sounds like this Friend is also the Ex from previous threads.  (Ex had cerebral palsy, and Friend is on disability.  Sounds like the same person.)  If I were the OP, I'd have been pretty suspicious that this was an attempt by Ex to get back together with Boyfriend.  Hang a few decorations, dinner, movie, stay over, breakfast -- I'd call that more of a date than hanging out with a friend.

No, this is a different female friend, but they did date in the past.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: LifeOnPluto on September 23, 2012, 02:26:10 AM
Even if the female friend had strictly platonic feelings towards the OP's boyfriend, I think the onus is still on her to understand that friendships often change once a Significant Other comes on the scene. This is all the more so when the friends are of opposite-gender. It's not a case of your friend's new SO judging you unfairly - it's a matter of the new couple negotiating what boundaries are right for their relationship.

Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Beyond The Veil on September 23, 2012, 02:30:43 AM
They dated in the past? Was this mentioned upthread? This is important information.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: AustenFan on September 23, 2012, 03:37:30 PM
I don't believe it was mentioned upthread, which is a shame since it's a very important detail.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Beyond The Veil on September 23, 2012, 08:17:16 PM
Yeah, that IS a very important detail, OP. May I ask why it was left out of the original post?
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Giggity on September 23, 2012, 09:36:20 PM
Turns out my boyfriends female friend is mad at him because she thinks I would not have liked his going over to her place on a Friday night, hanging stuff from her ceiling, having dinner at her place, watching a movie, spending the night at her place, & then going out to breakfast the following morning.

She is mad at him for what she THINKS you MIGHT feel? She's holding him responsible for your feelings? That's sort of messed up. Even if your feelings are genuine and well-founded, they are yours, not his, and if she has a problem with them, her problem is with you, not him.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Ceallach on September 23, 2012, 10:26:14 PM
Turns out my boyfriends female friend is mad at him because she thinks I would not have liked his going over to her place on a Friday night, hanging stuff from her ceiling, having dinner at her place, watching a movie, spending the night at her place, & then going out to breakfast the following morning.

She is mad at him for what she THINKS you MIGHT feel? She's holding him responsible for your feelings? That's sort of messed up. Even if your feelings are genuine and well-founded, they are yours, not his, and if she has a problem with them, her problem is with you, not him.

I agree.   

I think it's the lack of rationality in her reaction that leads us to suspect she had ulterior motives in her invitation - whether conscious or subconscious.     If it's just a casual, innocent invitation what is there to be so upset about when a friend declines?  (Unless the BF has said something to her that has inflamed the situation and upset her, which we don't know of course).
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: greencat on September 23, 2012, 10:31:04 PM
Turns out my boyfriends female friend is mad at him because she thinks I would not have liked his going over to her place on a Friday night, hanging stuff from her ceiling, having dinner at her place, watching a movie, spending the night at her place, & then going out to breakfast the following morning.

She is mad at him for what she THINKS you MIGHT feel? She's holding him responsible for your feelings? That's sort of messed up. Even if your feelings are genuine and well-founded, they are yours, not his, and if she has a problem with them, her problem is with you, not him.

I agree.   

I think it's the lack of rationality in her reaction that leads us to suspect she had ulterior motives in her invitation - whether conscious or subconscious.     If it's just a casual, innocent invitation what is there to be so upset about when a friend declines?  (Unless the BF has said something to her that has inflamed the situation and upset her, which we don't know of course).
Turns out my boyfriends female friend is mad at him because she thinks I would not have liked his going over to her place on a Friday night, hanging stuff from her ceiling, having dinner at her place, watching a movie, spending the night at her place, & then going out to breakfast the following morning.

She is mad at him for what she THINKS you MIGHT feel? She's holding him responsible for your feelings? That's sort of messed up. Even if your feelings are genuine and well-founded, they are yours, not his, and if she has a problem with them, her problem is with you, not him.

I agree.   

I think it's the lack of rationality in her reaction that leads us to suspect she had ulterior motives in her invitation - whether conscious or subconscious.     If it's just a casual, innocent invitation what is there to be so upset about when a friend declines?  (Unless the BF has said something to her that has inflamed the situation and upset her, which we don't know of course).

Moreover, a woman who the OP's boyfriend dated in the past is upset because his current girlfriend might not like him doing extremely boyfriend-y things with her - dinner, movie, helping out with the house, an overnight stay, breakfast together...

Admittedly, I've been the ex girlfriend in that situation, but I wasn't mad at the new girlfriend for not liking the idea - because my relationship with my ex had been over for a decade and we'd been purely platonic friends since then.  I was also his place to crash when he came down to use his theme park pass - it was more of an established "he comes down, he sleeps on the couch, we go to the park together" kind of arrangement than a special night out.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: snugglegirl05 on September 24, 2012, 08:46:08 PM
Yeah, that IS a very important detail, OP. May I ask why it was left out of the original post?

Because it happened a while ago.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: rigs32 on September 24, 2012, 09:18:39 PM
Yeah, that IS a very important detail, OP. May I ask why it was left out of the original post?

Because it happened a while ago.

But that fundamentally alters their relationship forever.

There's a woman my SO has had to pull back from.  They were very close friends and played Scrabble a couple times while neither was dating anyone else, but not many people know that.  Some mutual friends questioned why I was so stand-offish with her - she is very affectionate.  As soon as I shared the bit about the Scrabble, their view changed and they thought she was acting inappropriately and trying to make her territory.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Mental Magpie on September 24, 2012, 11:24:58 PM
Yeah, that IS a very important detail, OP. May I ask why it was left out of the original post?

Because it happened a while ago.

But that fundamentally alters their relationship forever.

There's a woman my SO has had to pull back from.  They were very close friends and played Scrabble a couple times while neither was dating anyone else, but not many people know that.  Some mutual friends questioned why I was so stand-offish with her - she is very affectionate.  As soon as I shared the bit about the Scrabble, their view changed and they thought she was acting inappropriately and trying to make her territory.

I, on the other hand, have been friends with mutual friend only a few years longer than I've been friends with Mental Boyfriend, and Mental Boyfriend considers mutual friend one of his best friends.  I had a friends with benefits phase with mutual friend for a few weeks before I started dating Mental Boyfriend.  We are all still really good friends and none of this has ever come between any of us, not once.  I, personally and honestly, do not think them having dated in the past is important at all, and only biases people towards Friend when it isn't necessary.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Piratelvr1121 on September 25, 2012, 05:33:36 AM
DH reconnected with a high school girlfriend a few years ago via fb and they caught up.  They had a friendly split, one of those "we're better friends than as a couple" breaks.  At first she was very reluctant to meet with me and I kept asking DH "what's up with that?" He said he wasn't sure, then finally he said "She's worried you won't like her because she's my ex."

I shrugged and said "Why should I not like her? You two broke up for a reason, right?" So finally he got her to come over and she and I got along just fine. :)
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: rigs32 on September 25, 2012, 09:11:07 AM
I can agree that the two people can go back to being friends, but it doesn't remove the fact that there was once a higher level of intimacy.  A level that I think all future partners should be entitled to know about.  I don't think it's a deal breakers, but in watching How I Met Your Mother last night, I probably would have had the same reaction as Quinn.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: TurtleDove on September 25, 2012, 09:13:03 AM
I, on the other hand, have been friends with mutual friend only a few years longer than I've been friends with Mental Boyfriend, and Mental Boyfriend considers mutual friend one of his best friends.  I had a friends with benefits phase with mutual friend for a few weeks before I started dating Mental Boyfriend.  We are all still really good friends and none of this has ever come between any of us, not once.  I, personally and honestly, do not think them having dated in the past is important at all, and only biases people towards Friend when it isn't necessary.

But here you are all friends, and presumably you are not ditching your BF to go sleep over at mutual friend's house.  It's apples to oranges.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Mental Magpie on September 25, 2012, 11:42:34 AM
I, on the other hand, have been friends with mutual friend only a few years longer than I've been friends with Mental Boyfriend, and Mental Boyfriend considers mutual friend one of his best friends.  I had a friends with benefits phase with mutual friend for a few weeks before I started dating Mental Boyfriend.  We are all still really good friends and none of this has ever come between any of us, not once.  I, personally and honestly, do not think them having dated in the past is important at all, and only biases people towards Friend when it isn't necessary.

But here you are all friends, and presumably you are not ditching your BF to go sleep over at mutual friend's house.  It's apples to oranges.

Where does it say that the OP's BF is ditching her?  (Seriously, I may have missed it; I just did a brief look through the entire post and still missed it, but I admit I didn't skim very well).  I think it's wrong for the BF to ditch the OP regardless of for whom; for an ex makes no difference to me.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Moray on September 25, 2012, 11:47:16 AM
I, on the other hand, have been friends with mutual friend only a few years longer than I've been friends with Mental Boyfriend, and Mental Boyfriend considers mutual friend one of his best friends.  I had a friends with benefits phase with mutual friend for a few weeks before I started dating Mental Boyfriend.  We are all still really good friends and none of this has ever come between any of us, not once.  I, personally and honestly, do not think them having dated in the past is important at all, and only biases people towards Friend when it isn't necessary.

But here you are all friends, and presumably you are not ditching your BF to go sleep over at mutual friend's house.  It's apples to oranges.

Where does it say that the OP's BF is ditching her?  (Seriously, I may have missed it; I just did a brief look through the entire post and still missed it, but I admit I didn't skim very well).  I think it's wrong for the BF to ditch the OP regardless of for whom; for an ex makes no difference to me.

Well, he didn't end up going, but the original plan was for him to go have a special date/sleepover with what is apparently his former GF. He didn't go, but is now telling the OP that the friend who wanted the sleepover is mad at her, the OP, for not letting him go have happy snuggle fun time.

Really, Mental Magpie, your situation with Mental Boyfriend and your Mental Mutual Friends is pretty different than snugglegirl's.
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Zilla on September 25, 2012, 01:34:12 PM
OP I am glad it worked out but that is a telling sign about how she is mad at you. 


And sorry but am I the only one that reads Mental and think of something well Mental? ;)
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: greencat on September 25, 2012, 03:25:26 PM
OP I am glad it worked out but that is a telling sign about how she is mad at you. 


And sorry but am I the only one that reads Mental and think of something well Mental? ;)

Nope - I was going to comment that The Poster Formerly Known as Dark Magdalena should consider calling her people "Magpie" Mother, Boyfriend, etc, because for a second there I thought "She has a crazy boyfriend?"
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Mental Magpie on September 25, 2012, 05:29:19 PM
OP I am glad it worked out but that is a telling sign about how she is mad at you. 


And sorry but am I the only one that reads Mental and think of something well Mental? ;)

Nope - I was going to comment that The Poster Formerly Known as Dark Magdalena should consider calling her people "Magpie" Mother, Boyfriend, etc, because for a second there I thought "She has a crazy boyfriend?"

Haha, that's why I did it though!  ;D  I may be the only one to find it funny, though, so maybe I should change it...
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Zilla on September 25, 2012, 05:55:14 PM
OP I am glad it worked out but that is a telling sign about how she is mad at you. 


And sorry but am I the only one that reads Mental and think of something well Mental? ;)

Nope - I was going to comment that The Poster Formerly Known as Dark Magdalena should consider calling her people "Magpie" Mother, Boyfriend, etc, because for a second there I thought "She has a crazy boyfriend?"

Haha, that's why I did it though!  ;D  I may be the only one to find it funny, though, so maybe I should change it...


Nah keep the name.  You can just leave off mental and just call them your boyfriend or mother or father.  I think most people will figure it out that they are yours.  ;)
Title: Re: Proper etiquette regarding boyfriend sleeping over at female friends place
Post by: Mental Magpie on September 29, 2012, 03:53:24 PM
I, on the other hand, have been friends with mutual friend only a few years longer than I've been friends with Mental Boyfriend, and Mental Boyfriend considers mutual friend one of his best friends.  I had a friends with benefits phase with mutual friend for a few weeks before I started dating Mental Boyfriend.  We are all still really good friends and none of this has ever come between any of us, not once.  I, personally and honestly, do not think them having dated in the past is important at all, and only biases people towards Friend when it isn't necessary.

But here you are all friends, and presumably you are not ditching your BF to go sleep over at mutual friend's house.  It's apples to oranges.

Where does it say that the OP's BF is ditching her?  (Seriously, I may have missed it; I just did a brief look through the entire post and still missed it, but I admit I didn't skim very well).  I think it's wrong for the BF to ditch the OP regardless of for whom; for an ex makes no difference to me.

Well, he didn't end up going, but the original plan was for him to go have a special date/sleepover with what is apparently his former GF. He didn't go, but is now telling the OP that the friend who wanted the sleepover is mad at her, the OP, for not letting him go have happy snuggle fun time.

Really, Mental Magpie, your situation with Mental Boyfriend and your Mental Mutual Friends is pretty different than snugglegirl's.

I'm sorry, I wasn't clear.  I don't mean that our situations are similar, I was explaining that I don't find it a big deal that they dated and also was backing up my earlier opinion how/why I don't find this situation weird and I can kind of understand why the other girl is upset.  If I had long term friend and suddenly his new girlfriend was changing the dynamics, I'd be upset.  I probably wouldn't tell anyone about it, but I would be a bit miffed.