Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => general => Dating => Topic started by: Carotte on July 30, 2012, 01:04:26 PM

Title: "Can I leave stuff at your place?"
Post by: Carotte on July 30, 2012, 01:04:26 PM
Quick BG:
I've been with my boyfriend for about 3 months, we've grown pretty close together really quickly and for a bunch of reasons (he lives in the city and I in the suburbs 1 hour away, I still live with my parents and he has his own flat ) I usually spend the weekend at his place, getting there directly after work.
I usually pack a small change of clothes (tee shirt/underwear) so that I don't have to lug around something too heavy/bulky but this week due to poor planning I only had a short to wear in cold-ish weather.

My question is is there any way to politely ask if I can maybe leave some stuff (a shirt, pair of pants..) at his place or should I wait for him to offer?
Does something like "After last week fail I was wondering if you would mind if I left maybe a pair of pants and a sweatshirt here so that I don't get caught up by bad weather?" sounds ok?
He did gave me his keys two weeks ago (I've never used them tho), but I wouldn't want to impose myself or have him feel  invaded*. Right now the only thing I've left at his place is a comb (because he doesn't own one) and a sock that went hidding somewhere.

*While I type that I can almost hear him telling me I'm silly, like I've said, we're really close, we both feel like we've known each other for years and not 3 months, but since he's my first boyfriend/serious relationship I don't know what's normal or not so I don't want to take a chance. 
Title: Re: "Can I leave stuff at your place?"
Post by: WillyNilly on July 30, 2012, 01:18:19 PM
While every relationship has its own timeline, in my experience (way too extensive ::) ) its very typical to get a drawer and/or some closet space and/or a shelf or some space int eh bathroom at your SO's place, especially once overnights have begun and super especially when there is significant distance between your homes.

Its perfectly fine to ask (better then just commandeering space, but don't feel badly asking, its super normal.  He might be wondering why you haven't asked/started leaving stuff there already.
Title: Re: "Can I leave stuff at your place?"
Post by: Outdoor Girl on July 30, 2012, 01:23:56 PM
Given that he has given you your own keys, I don't think it is a problem to ask.

In fact, I'd be tempted to leave the equivalent of an overnight bag - toiletries (toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, etc), a couple of changes of underwear and socks, a set or two of clothes.  Pack it up in a duffel that he can toss on the floor of his closet, out of the way.  If he offers a drawer, you could use that, instead.

'After forgetting to bring warmer clothes last week, I was thinking it might be easier if I left a few things here.  Is that OK?'
Title: Re: "Can I leave stuff at your place?"
Post by: #borecore on July 30, 2012, 01:24:23 PM
While I never preferred to do this (I had a messenger bag I packed for overnights when I was in this situation) aside from maybe a toothbrush -- I hate wondering what it might have touched in transit -- I think you're spending enough time there often enough to ask about having some space in a drawer or on a shelf.

Good luck with asking. I think his refusal would be odd in the case you're describing.
Title: Re: "Can I leave stuff at your place?"
Post by: QueenofAllThings on July 31, 2012, 03:26:35 PM
No harm in asking. It's the logical next step, and his response will tell you much.
Title: Re: "Can I leave stuff at your place?"
Post by: Sophia on July 31, 2012, 03:50:58 PM
I think keys mean you can leave stuff there, but it would be polite to ask first.  I'd be shocked if it was a problem
Title: Re: "Can I leave stuff at your place?"
Post by: Auntie Mame on August 01, 2012, 03:08:36 AM
Don't feel silly.  I am a commitment phobe, dating another commitment phobe.  It took us 9 months to leave a toothbrush at each others homes.  We also live in differnet cities, so it became necessary to leave certain things behind.

Just bring it up casually.  When BF left started leaving things at my house I joked that perhaps we should have some sort of "ceremony". 
Title: Re: "Can I leave stuff at your place?"
Post by: Sterling on August 01, 2012, 03:30:18 PM
Just bring it up and see.  I think if you have keys and you have had that discussion about being exclusive (or whatever) you can safely leave some things there.
Title: Re: "Can I leave stuff at your place?"
Post by: Carotte on August 01, 2012, 04:07:25 PM
Thanks everyone :)
I do feel silly when I think about it, he might even be wondering why I haven't asked yet  ::)
Title: Re: "Can I leave stuff at your place?"
Post by: Winterlight on August 03, 2012, 07:09:05 PM
I'd just casually ask him when we're making plans.
Title: Re: "Can I leave stuff at your place?"
Post by: JacklynHyde on August 05, 2012, 01:43:52 PM
Hopefully, your level of emotional intimacy allows you to ask these kinds of questions.  If you don't feel comfortable asking to the point that you prefer to leave an emergency change of clothes in the car rather than ask for a drawer, then you have some additional questions to ask yourself.
Title: Re: "Can I leave stuff at your place?"
Post by: Shea on August 10, 2012, 02:54:45 PM
I think it's fine to ask, and in my opinion it's a reasonable question, especially in your situation. My BF leaves a few clothes and a toothbrush at my place, since he often stays over (I don't have anything at his place, but that's because my apartment is much more convenient for both of us, so we're usually at my place rather than his). I don't remember us ever talking about is specifically, in our case it just sort of happened that after awhile there were always a few items of his clothing here. Eventually I made some space in a drawer for him, and all was well :).
Title: Re: "Can I leave stuff at your place?"
Post by: Nebraska Jones on August 17, 2012, 12:39:22 PM
Do you have a car?  If so and that's how you get there you could always just leave a bag in the trunk just in case.   :)
Title: Re: "Can I leave stuff at your place?"
Post by: bopper on August 17, 2012, 12:43:44 PM
"Now that you have given me keys to your apartment, I think it is time to take things to the next level.  (let him sweat for a minute) I would like to have my own drawer. "   >:D
Title: Re: "Can I leave stuff at your place?"
Post by: Noph on August 17, 2012, 03:20:56 PM
Mr. Noph and I had lived together for 3 years before we decided we could share a chest of drawers. We'd moved together twice.  Like you, in the early days we were on a fast track. His moving in was less of a step and more of a slow process over a year of all but his largest things ending up in my house (I lived alone, he with room mates.)  I'd given him a closet for his stuff in the apartment I had when we started dating. When we moved the first time, he took a closet which had some lovely built ins.  It wasn't until we were in our current house for a year and some home remodeling caused the the need to move his stuff from the tiny closet he had picked out when we had first moved in. His stuff was in various boxes,  back packs, milk crates, etc.  Only when we were faced with a pile of his clothes on our bed did we feel we were ready to take a big step in our relationship.....SHARING DRAWERS. Still, he has one drawer, I have the next. We still wont' actually let our clothes be in the same drawer together. 
   Every relationship has its very own special time line. If he gave you keys, I think it will be just fine that you ask.  Mr. Noph and I are both commitment phobs and are certain the only reason we are still together after four years is that it doesn't feel like we've been together that long. Every day is still new and fun with him, like we just met a few months ago and are still in that maddening think about you all the time and laugh with you all the time phase.  ;D   
  I know part of the reason Mr. Noph was slow to go ahead and just move in already was prior relationships.  A prior girlfriend had been a real pain about returning items to him he valued.  For the first little while, make sure whatever you leave there you can live without just in case you decide you do not want to ever return to his place.  It would seem weird to me he'd give you keys but a begrudge you a drawer or a milk crate.
  I hope you two find as much happiness as I have and always have that "first few months" feeling. =)
Title: Re: "Can I leave stuff at your place?"
Post by: greencat on August 17, 2012, 08:44:39 PM
I informed my current beau (technically, we are not dating, except when we are actually hanging out) that I was going to be leaving a bottle of my body wash in his bathroom because I wasn't going to shower with his man-soap again.  (I either don't wash my hair at his place or I bring my pricey shampoo and conditioner if I think our itinerary means my hair will get dirty enough to require it.)  He didn't mind :)