Etiquette Hell

Hostesses With The Mostest => Entertaining and Hospitality => Topic started by: sparksals on August 02, 2012, 05:44:37 PM

Title: Adult Only Cocktail Party - Another UPDATE page 2, #43
Post by: sparksals on August 02, 2012, 05:44:37 PM
*Sigh*

We recently renovated our backyard patio.  We had to have concrete excavated and remove some structures and then have new concrete and landscaping.  It looks great and invited a bunch of friends over for a party on a Friday night at 7 PM to celebrate and see the new outdoor area.  We are known for our parties that we FULLY host - food, beverages, booze - and it is also known that our events are adult only -- well by most people. 

I have a single mother friend with a teenaged son who is very high functioning autistic.  He is going to be a senior this year,  drives, goes out with friends, etc.  He is fully capable of staying on his own, he stays home alone when she goes on business trips and he hangs with his friends.  She has in the past brought her son to our events without letting me know, and because of his condition, he changes the dynamic considerably.  He is argumentative, complains about the food and interrupts conversations.   I don't mind if he comes for casual things if it is just her, myself, my husband, her son and a couple friends we share for a casual fire pit night roasting weenies.... not something like this with alcohol flowing, lots of specialized foods, etc.  She is not part of the major circle that is attending this party, most guests don't have kids or if they do, they are empty nesters.  Issues such as this rarely come up.

Due to the nature of the party and given she assumes to bring him, I put adult only on the invitation (evite) that went to everyone as there were a few others with younger children we invited, but had never invited before who may not know the 'culture' of our parties.

You know where i"m going with this:  She responds she is bringing her son and that his social skills have improved a great deal.   That doesn't matter to me.  I clearly indicated it is an adult party.  I think she thinks this is a good opportunity for him to practice his new social skills, which, after seeing him a couple weeks ago, have not improved. 

So, I sent her a message telling her it is an adult only event and she denied presuming to bring her son. She further stated they wouldn't come if it was a problem.   I responded that it was stated in the evite, SHE is welcome, but it is an adult only event.    She is a bit touchy b/c she does deal with a great deal of discrimination and general everyday problems by the school and ignorant people.   I am sensing she is insulted that her son wasn't included.  I'm peeved that she ignored my adult only statement on the evite. 

This is what I wrote:  Did you get my message about the patio party being Adult only? I saw on the evite rsvp you want to bring *son*,  but it is a more formal cocktail party type event this time.

Her Response: 
The thing is, she physically typed in her response. It was not just a click a button type of thing.
This was her rsvp:
With bells on! Hopefully, the son will come for a spell (his social has picked up quite a bit,).
My Response:
Of course you can come and no inconvenience!  You rsvp'd yes for two and commented you will bring son on the evite.  The evite states over 21 adult only event in the description.     While he is welcome at some of our events, this one is  adult only.



I am waiting to hear from her, but I plan to continue to extend the invitation to her for this party, but not back down on the son coming.  He is a nice boy, but this is not the party for him.   

For future events, I think I will no longer be extending invitations to her because she has done this too many times.   The times she did it, she rsvp'd for one and then showed up with her son.   

How do I continue to let her know that she is welcome at this party, explain to her it is not a slight to him, but NO kids are invited and rarely are kids invited to our house if  she is taking this personally?  Etiquettely speaking, putting adult only on an invitation is not the best, but in this case, I felt I had to given her past behaviour and new invitees. 

Just to note, if he wasn't autistic, he still wouldn't be invited.  It is an adult only event.  No kids, period.   So let's not go there, please.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: Shoo on August 02, 2012, 05:49:25 PM
I think you're going to have to call her up and be blunt.  "I'm sorry, but your son is not invited.  If you can't attend without him, we'll just have to see you another time."  I also think she's being intentionally obtuse, so I wouldn't worry about offending her.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: greencat on August 02, 2012, 05:58:48 PM
If he shows up (either together with her or on his own,) explain to him that he was not invited to this event because he is not of legal age to drink.  Then make both him and his mother leave.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: MacadamiaNut on August 02, 2012, 06:22:58 PM
Of course she can't be thinking about bringing him.  That's just crazy-talk! :o  It's adult only as you stated.  Plus, how will all the others feel?  You know, the ones who adhered to your rule. ???

I think you can just keep repeating what you stated in your response.  I thought it was clear and perfectly polite.

I also agree with what Shoo said and then if it escalates and he still shows up for some reason, what greencat said.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: Sharnita on August 02, 2012, 06:34:52 PM
If he is going to be a senior, what is his age?  He will probably be 18 within the next several months.  Insisting on "adults only" might work for this event but by the next one she might be able to get him into "adults only" on a technicality.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: LadyL on August 02, 2012, 06:43:28 PM
OP, as someone who was a guest at a party that was a similar situation, thanks for putting your foot down. In my case it was a rather intimate birthday party for a good friend, maybe 12 or less people there total, and one couple brought their son who was maybe in the 18-20 range. The GOH didn't seem to know him well at all, his parents just seemed to have brought him as a tag along, and he sat their awkwardly and silently the whole meal. It was a hosted meal at a nice restaurant too and I thought it was really tacky of them to bring someone who not only altered the group dynamic (I felt like I had to reign in my usually bawdy sense of humor) but also added on to the tab while not adding to the celebration, if that makes any sense.

Also, as a likely Aspie person myself, we really do best when we learn social rules and he is learning a whole set of wrong ones (that people can just add +1s to invites). That's really not fair to him, when he is already at a disadvantage at learning proper social behavior.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: sparksals on August 02, 2012, 07:29:19 PM
If he is going to be a senior, what is his age?  He will probably be 18 within the next several months.  Insisting on "adults only" might work for this event but by the next one she might be able to get him into "adults only" on a technicality.

I got that covered.  I stated Adult only 21+ on the evite.   Drinking age here is 21.  I think he is 16, maybe 17.   
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: MacadamiaNut on August 02, 2012, 07:42:38 PM
I was just wondering, what happens when he turns 21?  I think the point is (and correct me if I'm wrong) but your parties are for the friends you invite.  Emphasis because your friend's son is neither invited, nor your friend. 

If you want to start laying some groundwork for the possibility that he is going to tag along to all your soirees and friend gatherings when he's 21, I would start hinting also on the "invited" thing and "gathering for friends" thing vs. just the age thing.

I think it's weird and I also wonder if the poor kid really even wants to go to these things... ???
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: Mikayla on August 02, 2012, 07:56:01 PM
I think you're being remarkably patient.  An adult only event (21 plus) is hardly challenging to figure out.  I think she's being both rude and deliberate in pushing this, and I'd tell her if she can't attend without him, you'll see her another time. 

Her mentioning of his improved social skills also strikes me as manipulative. 
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: Outdoor Girl on August 02, 2012, 08:03:14 PM
Frankly, I'd just quit inviting this woman.  And then when she says something, flat out tell her, 'Every time I invite you to an event, you bring your son who was not invited.  Why would I want to continue inviting someone who brings an uninvited person with them all the time?'
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: rose red on August 02, 2012, 08:29:08 PM
Her Response: 
  • Oh, I can't imagine RSVPing  for him! That's funny. I must have selected some field that wasn't meant for that. At any rate, let me know if you don't want us to go. So sorry for any inconvenience.
  • He was never an option in my mind.

Very PA and a liar.  Why would she put "us?"  ::)

I would call her bluff and say if she need to take care of her son, that you understand and will miss her at this party.  Then never invite her again.[/list]
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: O'Dell on August 02, 2012, 08:40:16 PM
So, I sent her a message telling her it is an adult only event and she denied presuming to bring her son. She further stated they wouldn't come if it was a problem.   I responded that it was stated in the evite, SHE is welcome, but it is an adult only event.    She is a bit touchy b/c she does deal with a great deal of discrimination and general everyday problems by the school and ignorant people.   I am sensing she is insulted that her son wasn't included.  I'm peeved that she ignored my adult only statement on the evite. 

I don't doubt that she does deal with a lot of discrimination and ignorance as you say, but with her behavior toward you, don't you wonder if she's bringing some of her other problems on herself?

You are being remarkably polite and tolerant with this woman. I think you are right to not invite her to this sort of thing again. She can't handle it.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: NyaChan on August 02, 2012, 10:05:30 PM
I think you're being remarkably patient.  An adult only event (21 plus) is hardly challenging to figure out.  I think she's being both rude and deliberate in pushing this, and I'd tell her if she can't attend without him, you'll see her another time. 

Her mentioning of his improved social skills also strikes me as manipulative.

That's what I'm thinking as well to a certain extent.  I feel like in her head, she has ceased to think of him as a kid so much as an autistic kid.  So when she gets the message from you saying that this is for adults, she hears that you don't want her autistic child there rather than you don't want kids there period.  Bringing up his improved social skills emphasizes the fact that she knew very well she was rsvp'ing for him as well as herself.  I would probably just give her a call or send a message repeating that you are only inviting your friends and as it is a cocktail party have only included those friends who are over 21 years old.  No one who is not old enough to drink will be able to come. 
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: sparksals on August 02, 2012, 10:23:46 PM


So, I sent her a message telling her it is an adult only event and she denied presuming to bring her son. She further stated they wouldn't come if it was a problem.   I responded that it was stated in the evite, SHE is welcome, but it is an adult only event.    She is a bit touchy b/c she does deal with a great deal of discrimination and general everyday problems by the school and ignorant people.   I am sensing she is insulted that her son wasn't included.  I'm peeved that she ignored my adult only statement on the evite. 

I don't doubt that she does deal with a lot of discrimination and ignorance as you say, but with her behavior toward you, don't you wonder if she's bringing some of her other problems on herself?

You are being remarkably polite and tolerant with this woman. I think you are right to not invite her to this sort of thing again. She can't handle it.

Hmmmmm good point.  She may very well bring some on herself.  She always seems prepared for a fight.  Now, don't get me wrong, she has some very legitimate beefs on certain things, but she looks more for fault than goodwill, I think.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: sparksals on August 02, 2012, 10:25:56 PM
I think you're being remarkably patient.  An adult only event (21 plus) is hardly challenging to figure out.  I think she's being both rude and deliberate in pushing this, and I'd tell her if she can't attend without him, you'll see her another time. 

Her mentioning of his improved social skills also strikes me as manipulative.

That's what I'm thinking as well to a certain extent.  I feel like in her head, she has ceased to think of him as a kid so much as an autistic kid.  So when she gets the message from you saying that this is for adults, she hears that you don't want her autistic child there rather than you don't want kids there period.  Bringing up his improved social skills emphasizes the fact that she knew very well she was rsvp'ing for him as well as herself.  I would probably just give her a call or send a message repeating that you are only inviting your friends and as it is a cocktail party have only included those friends who are over 21 years old.  No one who is not old enough to drink will be able to come.

She hasn't responded to me yet.  Perhaps PA behaviour.  The bolded is so very true and I think that is how she views it.  She doesn't see it as an adult party, even though it was clearly stipulated.  She sees it as her autistic son not welcome and most likely so because he is autistic, not the fact no children are invited at all. 
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: QueenofAllThings on August 03, 2012, 06:24:48 AM
The point is this - you didn't invite him.

It's not his age (though that may be your reason for not inviting him) nor is it his autism. You didn't invite him. End of story. If she moans about discrimination, make it clear this is a party for legal drinkers only and has nothing to do with him as a person.

Stand your ground.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: TootsNYC on August 03, 2012, 12:37:31 PM
*Sigh*

We recently renovated our backyard patio.  We had to have concrete excavated and remove some structures and then have new concrete and landscaping.  It looks great and invited a bunch of friends over for a party on a Friday night at 7 PM to celebrate and see the new outdoor area.  We are known for our parties that we FULLY host - food, beverages, booze - and it is also known that our events are adult only -- well by most people. 

I have a single mother friend with a teenaged son who is very high functioning autistic.  He is going to be a senior this year,  drives, goes out with friends, etc.  He is fully capable of staying on his own, he stays home alone when she goes on business trips and he hangs with his friends.  She has in the past brought her son to our events without letting me know, and because of his condition, he changes the dynamic considerably.  He is argumentative, complains about the food and interrupts conversations.   I don't mind if he comes for casual things if it is just her, myself, my husband, her son and a couple friends we share for a casual fire pit night roasting weenies.... not something like this with alcohol flowing, lots of specialized foods, etc.  She is not part of the major circle that is attending this party, most guests don't have kids or if they do, they are empty nesters.  Issues such as this rarely come up.

Due to the nature of the party and given she assumes to bring him, I put adult only on the invitation (evite) that went to everyone as there were a few others with younger children we invited, but had never invited before who may not know the 'culture' of our parties.

You know where i"m going with this:  She responds she is bringing her son and that his social skills have improved a great deal.   That doesn't matter to me.  I clearly indicated it is an adult party.  I think she thinks this is a good opportunity for him to practice his new social skills, which, after seeing him a couple weeks ago, have not improved. 

So, I sent her a message telling her it is an adult only event and she denied presuming to bring her son. She further stated they wouldn't come if it was a problem.   I responded that it was stated in the evite, SHE is welcome, but it is an adult only event.    She is a bit touchy b/c she does deal with a great deal of discrimination and general everyday problems by the school and ignorant people.   I am sensing she is insulted that her son wasn't included.  I'm peeved that she ignored my adult only statement on the evite. 

This is what I wrote:  Did you get my message about the patio party being Adult only? I saw on the evite rsvp you want to bring *son*,  but it is a more formal cocktail party type event this time.

Her Response: 
  • Oh, I can't imagine RSVPing  for him! That's funny. I must have selected some field that wasn't meant for that. At any rate, let me know if you don't want us togo. So sorry for any inconvenience.
  • He was never an option in my mind.


"us"?

OK, though, this is what I think.

I think your response to this was too long, and it got into "here's what you said," which is a form of finger-pointing. No good ever comes of that; it sounds scoldy, and it makes you look weak.

I think you should have simply replied, 'hope to see you there, and hope Son has a nice night at home or with friends"[/list]
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: sparksals on August 03, 2012, 01:38:02 PM
*Sigh*

We recently renovated our backyard patio.  We had to have concrete excavated and remove some structures and then have new concrete and landscaping.  It looks great and invited a bunch of friends over for a party on a Friday night at 7 PM to celebrate and see the new outdoor area.  We are known for our parties that we FULLY host - food, beverages, booze - and it is also known that our events are adult only -- well by most people. 

I have a single mother friend with a teenaged son who is very high functioning autistic.  He is going to be a senior this year,  drives, goes out with friends, etc.  He is fully capable of staying on his own, he stays home alone when she goes on business trips and he hangs with his friends.  She has in the past brought her son to our events without letting me know, and because of his condition, he changes the dynamic considerably.  He is argumentative, complains about the food and interrupts conversations.   I don't mind if he comes for casual things if it is just her, myself, my husband, her son and a couple friends we share for a casual fire pit night roasting weenies.... not something like this with alcohol flowing, lots of specialized foods, etc.  She is not part of the major circle that is attending this party, most guests don't have kids or if they do, they are empty nesters.  Issues such as this rarely come up.

Due to the nature of the party and given she assumes to bring him, I put adult only on the invitation (evite) that went to everyone as there were a few others with younger children we invited, but had never invited before who may not know the 'culture' of our parties.

You know where i"m going with this:  She responds she is bringing her son and that his social skills have improved a great deal.   That doesn't matter to me.  I clearly indicated it is an adult party.  I think she thinks this is a good opportunity for him to practice his new social skills, which, after seeing him a couple weeks ago, have not improved. 

So, I sent her a message telling her it is an adult only event and she denied presuming to bring her son. She further stated they wouldn't come if it was a problem.   I responded that it was stated in the evite, SHE is welcome, but it is an adult only event.    She is a bit touchy b/c she does deal with a great deal of discrimination and general everyday problems by the school and ignorant people.   I am sensing she is insulted that her son wasn't included.  I'm peeved that she ignored my adult only statement on the evite. 

This is what I wrote: Did you get my message about the patio party being Adult only? I saw on the evite rsvp you want to bring *son*,  but it is a more formal cocktail party type event this time.

Her Response: 
  • Oh, I can't imagine RSVPing  for him! That's funny. I must have selected some field that wasn't meant for that. At any rate, let me know if you don't want us togo. So sorry for any inconvenience.
  • He was never an option in my mind.

"us"?

OK, though, this is what I think.

I think your response to this was too long, and it got into "here's what you said," which is a form of finger-pointing. No good ever comes of that; it sounds scoldy, and it makes you look weak.

I think you should have simply replied, 'hope to see you there, and hope Son has a nice night at home or with friends"

The bolded is all I said when I first enquired.    Guess I should have included my response to hers where she said she didn't rsvp for him... she actually included him in her rsvp as a +1 and the blurb about bringing him and his social skills. 

This is the convo in full:

 Me:  Did you get my message about the patio party being Adult only? I saw on the evite rsvp you want to bring *son*,  but it is a more formal cocktail party type event this time.

Her: Oh, I can't imagine RSVPing  for him! That's funny. I must have selected some field that wasn't meant for that. At any rate, let me know if you don't want us to go. So sorry for any inconvenience.  He was never an option in my mind.
Me:  Of course you can come and no inconvenience!  You rsvp'd yes for two and commented you will bring him on the evite.  The evite states over 21 event in the description.     While he is welcome at some events, this one is  adult only.


I explained how I thought she was bringing him since her RSVP on evite stated her as a +1 and commented about bringing him and his improved social skills since she said she didn't rsvp for him.

Edited to fix quote
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: Acadianna on August 03, 2012, 04:42:06 PM
This:

The point is this - you didn't invite him.

It's not his age (though that may be your reason for not inviting him) nor is it his autism. You didn't invite him. End of story. If she moans about discrimination, make it clear this is a party for legal drinkers only and has nothing to do with him as a person.

It really doesn't even have anything to do with legal drinkers.  It has to do with "people who were invited" and "people who were not invited."

If I receive an invitation to someone's event, I don't presume that my adult children are also invited -- even though they're all over 21 and legal drinkers -- unless the host or hostess specifically tells me so or they receive their own invitations.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: buvezdevin on August 03, 2012, 05:02:03 PM
While I agree with all who have said, "cocktail party, adults 21 and over" clearly covers this - and your friend/acquaintance has been obstinately obtuse on that point, I diverge on the "you didn't invite him" as the clear demarcation, in this case.

An online invitation which allows guests to reply "plus 1" would, at least among my friends, mean that an unspecified date for a single invitee would be welcome, just include in the response.  That may not be true for others, but I think it doesn't matter here if a single guest wanted to bring a child as a date, but the child was outside the the stated guest demographic - he is not 21 or over.  I'd stick with that as the reason he will not be welcome as a guest at this event.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: sparksals on August 03, 2012, 05:56:55 PM
While I agree with all who have said, "cocktail party, adults 21 and over" clearly covers this - and your friend/acquaintance has been obstinately obtuse on that point, I diverge on the "you didn't invite him" as the clear demarcation, in this case.

An online invitation which allows guests to reply "plus 1" would, at least among my friends, mean that an unspecified date for a single invitee would be welcome, just include in the response.  That may not be true for others, but I think it doesn't matter here if a single guest wanted to bring a child as a date, but the child was outside the the stated guest demographic - he is not 21 or over.  I'd stick with that as the reason he will not be welcome as a guest at this event.

Very good point, Buvezdevin.  This is why I had the age demarcation.   The evite is set up that they can invite a guest.  I can disable that in the settings, but then my married friends, who are 90% of my guest list, wouldn't be able to add their social unit +1. 

I have no problem with single friends bringing a date if they wish.  They are adults.  No problem there.   That is what was intended by the +1.  Luckily, I was also able to limit it to one +1. 
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: Venus193 on August 03, 2012, 08:39:48 PM
Frankly, I'd just quit inviting this woman.  And then when she says something, flat out tell her, 'Every time I invite you to an event, you bring your son who was not invited.  Why would I want to continue inviting someone who brings an uninvited person with them all the time?'

This.

This woman stubbornly ignores the fact that your parties are Adults Only.   In my book, people who do this get dropped from future guest lists.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: sparksals on August 03, 2012, 10:18:00 PM
I'm afraid that is what I have to do. 
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: January Girl on August 07, 2012, 10:16:31 AM
Congrats on the new patio!

Let's say you held your event at a wine bar. Same evite, everything. There is no way she could bring her son as he IS NOT 21. The bar would not let him set foot in the place.

Even though this is your private home, the age 21 rule still applies. There are so many liablities with anyone under 21. I am very cautious when we have parties and specify adult only.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: rose red on August 07, 2012, 02:36:11 PM
Like a PP said, I wouldn't bring up the age because what will happen when he turns 21?  I'd just say something about uninvited guests.  That is if you say anything at all.  Frankly, I'd just stop inviting her.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: TootsNYC on August 07, 2012, 02:43:12 PM

This is the convo in full:

 Me:  Did you get my message about the patio party being Adult only? I saw on the evite rsvp you want to bring *son*,  but it is a more formal cocktail party type event this time.

Her: Oh, I can't imagine RSVPing  for him! That's funny. I must have selected some field that wasn't meant for that. At any rate, let me know if you don't want us to go. So sorry for any inconvenience.  He was never an option in my mind.

Me:  Of course you can come and no inconvenience!  You rsvp'd yes for two and commented you will bring him on the evite.  The evite states over 21 event in the description. While he is welcome at some events, this one is  adult only.


I explained how I thought she was bringing him since her RSVP on evite stated her as a +1 and commented about bringing him and his improved social skills since she said she didn't rsvp for him.

Edited to fix quote

This is what I wouldn't have bothered with. Next time (because there will be one), don't worry about trying to "explain" or to make the point "I'm not unfairly accusing you" or "I didn't either misunderstand you."

Just go straight to what you want: "hope to see you there; hope son has a good time doing something else."

And yeah, I'd just stop inviting her.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: sparksals on August 07, 2012, 02:43:42 PM
I do plan to stop inviting her in the future, sadly.  I like her as a person.  After thinking of it, she has never reciprocated and seems to enjoy our hospitality without offering it in return.  Still haven't heard from her, so don't know if she still plans to come since I stated explicitly adult only.

It is assumed that a couple/social unit will come in twos even though the evite is set up to invite the emailee.  Looks like to curtail this in the future, I need to find another form of invitation.  Mailing is a bit formal for our circle.  Anyone have an idea for alternative to evite, preferably free? 
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: sparksals on August 07, 2012, 02:45:02 PM

This is the convo in full:

 Me:  Did you get my message about the patio party being Adult only? I saw on the evite rsvp you want to bring *son*,  but it is a more formal cocktail party type event this time.

Her: Oh, I can't imagine RSVPing  for him! That's funny. I must have selected some field that wasn't meant for that. At any rate, let me know if you don't want us to go. So sorry for any inconvenience.  He was never an option in my mind.

Me:  Of course you can come and no inconvenience!  You rsvp'd yes for two and commented you will bring him on the evite.  The evite states over 21 event in the description. While he is welcome at some events, this one is  adult only.


I explained how I thought she was bringing him since her RSVP on evite stated her as a +1 and commented about bringing him and his improved social skills since she said she didn't rsvp for him.

Edited to fix quote

This is what I wouldn't have bothered with. Next time (because there will be one), don't worry about trying to "explain" or to make the point "I'm not unfairly accusing you" or "I didn't either misunderstand you."

Just go straight to what you want: "hope to see you there; hope son has a good time doing something else."

And yeah, I'd just stop inviting her.

Ahhhh gotcha!  That makes sense. 
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: Outdoor Girl on August 07, 2012, 02:56:25 PM
It is assumed that a couple/social unit will come in twos even though the evite is set up to invite the emailee.  Looks like to curtail this in the future, I need to find another form of invitation.  Mailing is a bit formal for our circle.  Anyone have an idea for alternative to evite, preferably free?

Could you get the other halfs' emails and disable the +1 function?  That way, each person would get their own invite.  It also means that everyone would have to reply, though, instead of one half replying for both.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: MacadamiaNut on August 07, 2012, 03:02:01 PM
I do plan to stop inviting her in the future, sadly.  I like her as a person.  After thinking of it, she has never reciprocated and seems to enjoy our hospitality without offering it in return.  Still haven't heard from her, so don't know if she still plans to come since I stated explicitly adult only.

It is assumed that a couple/social unit will come in twos even though the evite is set up to invite the emailee.  Looks like to curtail this in the future, I need to find another form of invitation.  Mailing is a bit formal for our circle.  Anyone have an idea for alternative to evite, preferably free?

You could always send individual/personalized emails and therefore be able to more explicitly invite the +1 if one exists.  So if Jane is married, you can say, please bring your hubby!  For Jill who is single, you could say, feel free to bring that guy you're dating!  For Jack who is unattached, you just invite Jack.  You could also call your invitees instead of mass electronic communication of any kind.  But honestly, it's not your invitation that is the problem.  I mean, in an evite, you can state the rules surrounding the invite and it looks like you did that.  But I can see wanting to pull the reigns in a bit more on exactly who the extra people are that are coming, and evites do have a bit of ambiguity there.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: buvezdevin on August 07, 2012, 03:11:22 PM
There are other advantages to email for informal invitations, people are more likely to reply to something they see addressed solely to them, rather than a group of invitees (in my experience).  I used to use evite, and like its features, especially for larger informal events, but I returned to using email some while back.  When inviting more than a few folks by individual emails, I cut and past the event detail text, and add a few personalized lines to the start of each message.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: still in va on August 07, 2012, 03:16:40 PM
I do plan to stop inviting her in the future, sadly.  I like her as a person.  After thinking of it, she has never reciprocated and seems to enjoy our hospitality without offering it in return.  Still haven't heard from her, so don't know if she still plans to come since I stated explicitly adult only.

It is assumed that a couple/social unit will come in twos even though the evite is set up to invite the emailee.  Looks like to curtail this in the future, I need to find another form of invitation. Mailing is a bit formal for our circle.  Anyone have an idea for alternative to evite, preferably free?

i don't see why you have to find another way of inviting guests to your party if she's the only one you're having an issue with.  once you stop inviting her, that problem will be neatly solved.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party
Post by: sparksals on August 11, 2012, 11:46:05 AM
UPDATE:

She came to the party and showed up with her son.  I was livid.  DH and I looked at each other and were absolutely shocked.  Turns out, she had him drop her off and he just came in to say hello.  DH was ready to tell her he couldn't stay, but by that time, he had already left. 
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party - UPDATE page 2, #32
Post by: greencat on August 11, 2012, 11:57:15 AM
It...listened?  Amazing.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party - UPDATE page 2, #32
Post by: doodlemor on August 11, 2012, 11:58:20 AM
I think this was deliberate, to annoy you in a PA, in your face way. 

She also could have been hoping that you would give in and ask him to stay, or that the other guests would wonder/ask why he didn't stay.  I think that she wanted the other guests to know that he was available, but big, bad you had excluded him.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party - UPDATE page 2, #32
Post by: POF on August 11, 2012, 12:17:11 PM
My thoughts exactly... Really it doesn't sound like you are that close that you wanted / needed to say Hi ...
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party - UPDATE page 2, #32
Post by: NyaChan on August 11, 2012, 12:20:51 PM
I agree.  How irritating, glad he left without drama though.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party - UPDATE page 2, #32
Post by: Shakira on August 11, 2012, 01:12:43 PM
I think this was deliberate, to annoy you in a PA, in your face way. 

She also could have been hoping that you would give in and ask him to stay, or that the other guests would wonder/ask why he didn't stay.  I think that she wanted the other guests to know that he was available, but big, bad you had excluded him.

Big fat POD!!! Wow, that's pretty nervy of her.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party - UPDATE page 2, #32
Post by: sparksals on August 11, 2012, 01:33:42 PM
I think this was deliberate, to annoy you in a PA, in your face way. 

She also could have been hoping that you would give in and ask him to stay, or that the other guests would wonder/ask why he didn't stay.  I think that she wanted the other guests to know that he was available, but big, bad you had excluded him.

Big fat POD!!! Wow, that's pretty nervy of her.

She seemed fine throughout the party, but I did wonder why he came in.  It just seemed so strange.  He doesn't know anyone, but turns out he goes to the school our neighbour works at and she knew him. 
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party - UPDATE page 2, #32
Post by: Stormtreader on August 13, 2012, 11:29:18 AM
Is it possible she was expecting to guilt you into letting him stay and then saw the look on your face and backed down?
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party - UPDATE page 2, #32
Post by: EmmaJ. on August 13, 2012, 11:50:19 AM
Is it possible she was expecting to guilt you into letting him stay and then saw the look on your face and backed down?

That was my (cynical) first thought too.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party - UPDATE page 2, #32
Post by: Moray on August 13, 2012, 11:58:31 AM
Is it possible she was expecting to guilt you into letting him stay and then saw the look on your face and backed down?

That was my (cynical) first thought too.

Mine, too.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party - UPDATE page 2, #32
Post by: lowspark on August 13, 2012, 02:39:11 PM
Wow. Yeah, I gotta wonder if it was either the PA dig or the hope that you'd back down. Either way, it stinks! No question that she'd be off my guest list permanently.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party - UPDATE page 2, #32
Post by: sparksals on August 14, 2012, 09:54:47 AM
Another update.  They drove a friend, Sally home.  I offered for her to stay the night, but she wanted to go home.  Son came to pick her up and honked the horn several times at 2 AM! I ran out and told him that is unacceptable and don't do it again.  He was angry she was coming home so late and then made it known he did not like driving Sally home.  This is the type of behaviour that makes me not want him at my events.   As far as I can tell, his social skills have NOT improved in the slightest. 

Sally told me  when they got to her house, remember it is after 2 AM, Muffy asked to come in for a tour of the house!  AT 2 AM!!  Sally just wanted to get to bed, but was so flabbergasted by the request, she said yes. 

The more I think of it, the more I think she likes to cross boundaries and is very presumptive!

Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party - Another UPDATE page 2, #43
Post by: Venus193 on August 14, 2012, 09:57:24 AM
Good grief.  That's more than enough reason to delete her from future guest lists.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party - UPDATE page 2, #32
Post by: Judah on August 14, 2012, 10:49:43 AM
Another update.  They drove a friend, Sally home.  I offered for her to stay the night, but she wanted to go home.  Son came to pick her up and honked the horn several times at 2 AM! I ran out and told him that is unacceptable and don't do it again.  He was angry she was coming home so late and then made it known he did not like driving Sally home.  This is the type of behaviour that makes me not want him at my events.   As far as I can tell, his social skills have NOT improved in the slightest. 

Sally told me  when they got to her house, remember it is after 2 AM, Muffy asked to come in for a tour of the house!  AT 2 AM!!  Sally just wanted to get to bed, but was so flabbergasted by the request, she said yes. 

The more I think of it, the more I think she likes to cross boundaries and is very presumptive!

It seems that Muffy's social skills aren't any better than her son's.  It's no wonder he is the way he is.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party - Another UPDATE page 2, #43
Post by: Sharnita on August 14, 2012, 12:51:05 PM
You wonder how many of the problems are truly his and how many are overflow from her.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party - Another UPDATE page 2, #43
Post by: sparksals on August 14, 2012, 01:49:21 PM
Yes, beginning to wonder.  She has invited herself to events at my house in the past.  I posted about dinner for Canada Day, she asked what time?  She wasn't joking . Luckily, she did not show up with him that time. 

What bugs me is we have had her over so many times and she has never reciprocated... not even to ask out to a restaurant or happy hour. 

I am beginning to see how one-sided this is and that our manners are quite different.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party - Another UPDATE page 2, #43
Post by: greencat on August 14, 2012, 08:51:23 PM
I would have also been angry that I was being made to drive my drunk mother (or anyone else I was on-call to be a ride for) home so late and unexpectedly have to take someone else home - it's happened to me before and it meant that I ended up getting to bed an hour or more later than I expected that evening.  The horn honking at 2 AM was definitely unacceptable behavior though.
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party - Another UPDATE page 2, #43
Post by: sparksals on August 14, 2012, 10:01:33 PM
I would have also been angry that I was being made to drive my drunk mother (or anyone else I was on-call to be a ride for) home so late and unexpectedly have to take someone else home - it's happened to me before and it meant that I ended up getting to bed an hour or more later than I expected that evening.  The horn honking at 2 AM was definitely unacceptable behavior though.


Where did I say she was drunk?  Sally, who they drove home, was.  Not to defend Muffy, but she puts up with a lot from her son and I don't think it is unreasonable for her to have a night out occasionally or to imbibe.  She could have driven to our place and then he would have had to stay home with no wheels for the night. 
Title: Re: Adult Only Cocktail Party - Another UPDATE page 2, #43
Post by: greencat on August 14, 2012, 11:50:25 PM
I would have also been angry that I was being made to drive my drunk mother (or anyone else I was on-call to be a ride for) home so late and unexpectedly have to take someone else home - it's happened to me before and it meant that I ended up getting to bed an hour or more later than I expected that evening.  The horn honking at 2 AM was definitely unacceptable behavior though.


Where did I say she was drunk?  Sally, who they drove home, was.  Not to defend Muffy, but she puts up with a lot from her son and I don't think it is unreasonable for her to have a night out occasionally or to imbibe.  She could have driven to our place and then he would have had to stay home with no wheels for the night. 

I'm sorry - I misunderstood.  My point was that I understand the son's irritation at the situation of having to pick his mother up so late and unexpectedly having to also drive another person home at the time.  For one or more of the people to be drunk is additional annoyance.

I had actually had a fuzzy idea that perhaps being drunk would offer an explanation for Muffy's rudeness at inviting herself into Sally's home for the tour, because I can't hardly imagine anyone doing that sober!