Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Family and Children => Topic started by: donnamos2 on September 21, 2012, 04:27:37 PM

Title: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: donnamos2 on September 21, 2012, 04:27:37 PM
B/c of my divorce, STBXDH and I are selling our house and I'm looking for another. I'm pretty constrained due to limited funds, but I've got a great realtor who found something that looked fantastic.

Well, you know what they say about things that look too good to be true?  This may be the case here.  On paper, the house seemed perfect, and when the realtor took me to see it, I nearly swooned.  This isn't to say it's super-fancy or anything; it just fits my current needs so well, as though it was made for me.

The current owners are an older couple, and they went for a walk while we toured the house.  When we went outside to look at the yard, my attention was caught by two children in the neighbor's yard.  At first, I though they were playing or rough-housing, but one of the boys kept making this yelping noise, and the other boy seemed to be running around him and waving his hands and hollering.  This kept going the entire time we were outside.  We went back to the front in time to see the owners return, and they seemed really uncomfortable that we saw what was going on in the neighbor's yard.

A woman from that house came out and joined us on the sidewalk. I thought this was great, a way to find out more about the neighborhood, but the homeowners now looked VERY uncomfortable.  The neighbor was very, very effusive, going on and on about how great the neighborhood was, how close everyone was, how wonderful it was that another single mom would be moving in...  She mentioned several times how close she was to the homeowners: "Why, they're just like another set of grandparents to my kids!"  And the homeowners did that forced half-smile and stayed silent.

I've since learned that the neighbor's children have Fragile X Syndrome and require constant care. She has help during the day, but she is known up and down the street for imposing. Not just imposing, but doing so a LOT and not being shy about it.

I am making no judgments about her situation: I'm certain that it's really tough and she's probably pretty lonely. But I do not want to move next-door to this.  I work full-time and have a baby, and while ideally want a great, close relationship with my neighbors, this looks less and less like a friendship that would naturally develop and more and more like she'd just attempt to recruit me into her network of help.  And while some people would say, "Oh, create boundaries, no one can take advantage of you if you don't let them" who could say no to her pleas for help when they know this situation?

All of this is to say I'm not going to buy the house.  The homeowners came way down in their price, which makes me think they themselves are desperate to get away from this situation. I don't know why they are moving: my realtor certainly doesn't know, and they were really closed-mouthed about it.  At any rate, a friend of mine thinks I'm not just rude, but "bigoted" because I don't want to live there.  Am I? I've got a lot going on right now as well as just being really busy, and I just don't have a lot to give anyone besides those already closest to me.  Is it wrong that I don't want to live next door to this?
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Shoo on September 21, 2012, 04:31:12 PM
You can choose to buy or not buy a house for ANY reason you want to.  It does not mean you're bigoted just because you don't want to live next door to people that you know, in your heart of hearts, are going to really try your patience.  I think it's wise and shows an awareness that is commendable.

Your friend is simply wrong, IMO.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Hillia on September 21, 2012, 04:34:23 PM
Your friend is completely out of line.  You are completely within your rights to not  buy the house.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Cat-Fu on September 21, 2012, 04:34:47 PM
It's not bigoted to desire a neighborhood free from moochers.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: NyaChan on September 21, 2012, 04:35:14 PM
Why on earth would it make you bigoted??? Part of buying a house is looking at the neighborhood's culture.  The culture of this neighborhood doesn't suit your needs, end of story.  Walk away with a clear conscience. 
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: wheeitsme on September 21, 2012, 04:40:10 PM
I don't see how you are "bigoted".  You don't have a problem with living next to a single mother with 2 children who have fragile X syndrome.  You have a problem living next door to someone who is reputed to take extreme advantage of her neighbors.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: rigs32 on September 21, 2012, 04:40:43 PM
If you decided not to buy a house because of a characteristic of the people next door that they cannot control and that would have no impact on you, it could possibly be a bigotry situation.

But this sounds like something that WOULD impact on you and is definitely a factor to consider.  Would your friend call you a bigot if you didn't want to live next to active rail lines?  Behind a warehouse with lots of tractor trailer traffic?

I don't understand why you couldn't say no to her demands, however, if you really wanted to buy the place.  Who cares what her situation is?  Her childcare issues are not yours to solve.  If she tried to do a drop and run I would make sure she knew I was calling CPS as soon as she left.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Moray on September 21, 2012, 04:42:46 PM
Nothing wrong with not wanting the home because you don't feel it's a good fit.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Amava on September 21, 2012, 05:14:10 PM
You would have to be crazy to knowingly buy a house where you know beforehand that the neighbours will give you trouble by acting like they're entitled to your help.

Your friend is out of her (his) mind. Don't share your thoughts on such decisions with her (him) anymore.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: lady_disdain on September 21, 2012, 05:45:02 PM
I don't see how you are "bigoted".  You don't have a problem with living next to a single mother with 2 children who have fragile X syndrome.  You have a problem living next door to someone who is reputed to take extreme advantage of her neighbors.

You took the words out of my mouth.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Mikayla on September 21, 2012, 05:54:45 PM
I agree with the majority that bigotry isn't even on the radar here, and your friend was way off base.  But I also don't quite understand this from the OP:  "...who could say no to her pleas for help when they know this situation?"

For starters, I could!  As has been said many times here, it is not rude to set boundaries, especially when people are habitual imposers.  You're not being mean to the kids; you're protecting yourself from their mom.  Big difference.

I mention this just because if the house was so perfect for you, it seems to be an over-reaction to give it up just because your neighbor will need some ground rules laid down. 
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Hawkwatcher on September 21, 2012, 05:57:12 PM
You would have to be crazy to knowingly buy a house where you know beforehand that the neighbours will give you trouble by acting like they're entitled to your help.

Your friend is out of her (his) mind. Don't share your thoughts on such decisions with her (him) anymore.

I agree.  Buying a house is a major financial and emotional investment.  And if things don't work out, it is not a simple matter to sell the house and move somewhere else.  The OP is wise to consider all the possible ramifications before making such a major investment. 
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: kherbert05 on September 21, 2012, 06:02:36 PM
I don't see how you are "bigoted".  You don't have a problem with living next to a single mother with 2 children who have fragile X syndrome.  You have a problem living next door to someone who is reputed to take extreme advantage of her neighbors.


POD you aren't saying anything about the kids. You are reacting to the mother's comments, and other neighbors letting you know that she imposes on other people, and will likely target you.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Shoo on September 21, 2012, 06:11:39 PM
When we went outside to look at the yard, my attention was caught by two children in the neighbor's yard.  At first, I though they were playing or rough-housing, but one of the boys kept making this yelping noise, and the other boy seemed to be running around him and waving his hands and hollering.  This kept going the entire time we were outside.

And even if the OP were able to set boundaries with the woman next door, she would probably be unable to enjoy using her own backyard.  Another reason to pass on this house.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: WillyNilly on September 21, 2012, 06:24:05 PM
Like everyone else I don't think you are bigoted at all fo this decisions.

But like a few others I wouldn't let it bother me at all... but then I'm not a chat with neighbors type. I've lived in my home for almost 11 years now and I don't know any neighbors names and nevr speak to any of them besides "hello" and "have a good [day, night, weekend, holiday, whatever]." I'd just put up a fence and ignore the neighbors. But I'm good at a glassy eyed smile that is nice but clearly shows I don't care to listen (I've been told many times that while I come across as non-hostile I often give off a "get away from me" vibe to people who aren't my friends). It handy to be honest, and I can turn it off and turn up the customer service smile when I need to, but my default setting is 'go away'.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Auntie Mame on September 21, 2012, 06:26:32 PM
Selfish does not always equal bad rude awful puppykicking monster.  If we didn't have a healthy dose of selfish we'd give away everything we own and end up wandering the streets nekkid and starving.

I certainly wouldn't move there either.  Why?  Because even though I am very friendly and outgoing, I need me-time.  I selfishly guard my me-time.  I have a crazy busy schedule and not much time to decompress (don't get me wrong, I love being busy, that's why I guard me-time).  If Auntie Mame doesn't get her me-time, she turns into Mommy Dearest. 

You need to be selfish and do what's best for you and your family.  From your description and what your gut is telling you (listen to the gut, always listen to the gut), you would not have a moment's peace.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Pippen on September 21, 2012, 06:27:50 PM
When we went outside to look at the yard, my attention was caught by two children in the neighbor's yard.  At first, I though they were playing or rough-housing, but one of the boys kept making this yelping noise, and the other boy seemed to be running around him and waving his hands and hollering.  This kept going the entire time we were outside.

And even if the OP were able to set boundaries with the woman next door, she would probably be unable to enjoy using her own backyard.  Another reason to pass on this house.

I couldn't use half my house or be in the garden for about 4 years as the neighbours decided there solution to their son was to let him have his meltdowns outside. It was near on constant screaming  and it rapidly works on your very last nerve. Wanting a home where you can have quiet enjoyment of your property is in no way rude. It is your haven away from the crazy world not a portal into it.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Aquamarine on September 21, 2012, 06:37:50 PM
Being picky about a situation one chooses for themselves does not make one a bigot.  Your "friend" is so far off the mark it isn't even funny.  No one needs people in their life who go out of their way to cause trouble or try to make you feel bad which exactly what this person is trying to do to you.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: JamFly on September 21, 2012, 06:43:31 PM
I agree with previous posters that even knowing the situation, you are not obligated to help. If it was me, and this was my perfect-to-me house I'd see if the sellers would go down on price even more, and then put up tall privicy fences in the front and back (assuming it's allowed in that neighborhood) with sturdy locks on the gates. After moving in I'm be polite but distant to Moocher Neighbor, but wouldn't watch the kids ever, as her child care needs are firmly not my problem.

But it's not rude or bigoted at all; just trying to save yourself some hassle.

Here's to crossing my fingers and hoping you find another house that's just as perfect, but with better neighbors.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: artk2002 on September 21, 2012, 06:48:07 PM
Does "friend" have a nice house? Perhaps s/he could buy the one you were looking at and you take his/hers? No?

I don't think you're bigoted at all. It sounds like living next to this family would be very, very trying.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: JoieGirl7 on September 21, 2012, 07:06:26 PM
Definition of BIGOT

: a person who is obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially : one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance

 
There is no way that not moving into a particular house is an act of hatred towards someone else.
 
Refusing to sell your house to someone who is capable of buying it because they belong to a particular group that one is bigoted against actually is because it is an act of hatred towards them.

Therefore, even if you were a bigot, (and you're so not) not buying a certain house is not bigoted.  It can't be.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Hillia on September 21, 2012, 07:24:01 PM
Why would you want to subject yourself to the constant strain of setting and maintaining boundaries with people who can't (in the case of the kids) or won't (in the case of their mother) respect them?  Sure, you could build privacy fences, lock yourself away, and turn your property into a fortress in order to preserve your privacy, but why should you have to?  You and your child are entitled to enjoy your entire property in any way you choose, not be constantly defending and restating your rules.  You dodged a huge bullet, and I feel sorry for the homeowners, especially if 'next door mom' makes a habit of coming over to greet potential buyers.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: siamesecat2965 on September 21, 2012, 07:26:00 PM
I'd say trust your instincts on this one.  If you have any doubts, which you do, about YOUR quality of life etc. if you bought this house, you're making the right decision not to buy it. 

it doesn't sound like she would be a pleasant neighbor to have, due to all of her responsibilities, and what you've heard about her trying to impose.  And if it were me, I'd be VERY happy I learned all this in the early stages, and not after I committed to the purchase.

I also feel badly for the sellers; it sounds like they may have a rough time of it selling their house.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: violinp on September 21, 2012, 07:42:33 PM
Selfish does not always equal bad rude awful puppykicking monster.  If we didn't have a healthy dose of selfish we'd give away everything we own and end up wandering the streets nekkid and starving.

I certainly wouldn't move there either.  Why?  Because even though I am very friendly and outgoing, I need me-time.  I selfishly guard my me-time.  I have a crazy busy schedule and not much time to decompress (don't get me wrong, I love being busy, that's why I guard me-time).  If Auntie Mame doesn't get her me-time, she turns into Mommy Dearest. 

You need to be selfish and do what's best for you and your family.  From your description and what your gut is telling you (listen to the gut, always listen to the gut), you would not have a moment's peace.

Exactly. There is a difference between selfish and self - centered. Being selfish in this is not a bad thing.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: blarg314 on September 21, 2012, 08:10:31 PM
I will say that I feel really sorry for the couple trying to sell their house. It's got a massive flaw that is not their fault, and that they can't do anything about, but is scaring off actively interested buyers who love the house itself. I wonder if they can get a restraining order on the neighbour?

But even so, the OP is under no obligation to *buy* the house with the massive flaw. A horrible next-door neighbour can suck the enjoyment of life out of you, and setting boundaries can be horribly exhausting. Plus, if you want to sell the house yourself, you're stuck with the same problem.

Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: yokozbornak on September 21, 2012, 08:25:40 PM
There were a lot of red flags thrown you way, and I think you are wise to step away.  A house is a major investment, and you don't want to make a decision you will reqret.  I have found that there is always more than one perfect house.  When we were searching, I was so disappointed that a house I really loved was sold before we could put a contract on it.  I am so glad now it didn't work out because I love the house and neighborhood we live in now and coudn't imagine living anywhere else.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: kareng57 on September 21, 2012, 08:27:34 PM
You're fine.  It's very, very normal (and often strongly advised) for potential buyers to ask the vendors what the neighbours are like.

Unfortunately, it could take these vendors a long time to sell the house, but that's not your problem.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: doodlemor on September 21, 2012, 09:17:32 PM
You're not a bigot at all - that's a ridiculous statement.  You are perfectly justified in not buying that particular house.

None of us have an infinite amount of emotional energy.  This must be a challenging time for you, having to deal with moving and the divorce.  You don't need the extra hassle of having to set boundaries with difficult neighbors. Dealing with that would likely take attention away from your child.  I suspect that your baby is your prime focus right now.

Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: CaffeineKatie on September 21, 2012, 09:49:53 PM
I have to say I agree with previous postings and throw in this--when your baby is old enough to enjoy playing outside, are you going to feel comfortable with that?  If the owners are dropping the price to unload a perfectly nice house, I doubt you would have an easier time selling it 3-4 years from now when the neighbor kids are older and possibly noisier, and you want to get your child moved somewhere else. 
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: helixa on September 22, 2012, 02:54:19 AM
Obviously you're not a bigot, but I would still consider options before deciding not to buy the house.

Negative: the neighbour and children
Positive: the price

Is there any chance you can get an honest answer from the sellers as to how bad the neighbour is and how noisy and intrusive the children are?
If you were willing to set up boundaries both physical and mentally would the price make it worth it?

I ask only because you are never guarenteed what your neighbours will be like anywhere you go, or who will move in beside you.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Steve on September 22, 2012, 03:18:29 AM
If you do not think you will be comfortable there, do not buy it. It is always better to regret not buying a house, than it is to regret buying one.

It may be worth exploring the options the others have posted: good fences, padlocks, and asking the neighbours just how intrusive the family really is. If you feel confident you can handle it after this, go ahead, but if you keep doubting, I would not buy it. There is noting rude about it in my opinion.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: cicero on September 22, 2012, 06:03:46 AM
Obviously you're not a bigot, but I would still consider options before deciding not to buy the house.

Negative: the neighbour and children
Positive: the price

Is there any chance you can get an honest answer from the sellers as to how bad the neighbour is and how noisy and intrusive the children are?
If you were willing to set up boundaries both physical and mentally would the price make it worth it?

I ask only because you are never guarenteed what your neighbours will be like anywhere you go, or who will move in beside you.
i agree with this.

and there is something to be said about knowing what you are getting into, vs. buying a house and *then* discovering that the new neighbors who just moved in are the neighbors from H*ll (like what happened to us..)

and it *is* possible to set boundaries with people like this - we've done it quite successfully. and if sometimes i don't answer the door or phone when my neighbor calls with yet another ridiclous plea for help, well, so be it.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Venus193 on September 22, 2012, 07:16:00 AM
Nothing new to add but agreeing with the majority.  If you don't feel comfortable at the prospect of living next door to this family you are within your rights not to buy this house.

The point a few posts back about what will happen when the neighbor's children are older, bigger, stronger, and noisier is standing out in my mind.  You should not have to worry about feeling comfortable in your own yard or even your home.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Yankeegal77 on September 22, 2012, 11:46:46 AM
donnamos2, your friend needs a vocabulary lesson and a clue-by-four...perhaps he/she could buy the house for themselves, and you can move into their place?

You've just performed an act I like to call 'dodging a bullet.' I can tell you from a similar experience with a neighbor when I was a teenager that you could have potentially ended up in a very stressful, aggravating situation.

If circumstances were different (she was living down the street, you aren't a fellow single mother, etc) I'd say that since the neighbors all seem to have the same opinion of her, you might want to reconsider and develop some strategies for dealing with her, using a polite, firm spine. But next door? And her coming over and interjecting herself into your conversation? Also, sounds like the boys are really rough and who knows what their mom would do if they injured themselves while on your property. Red Flag City.

You're not rejecting the home because children with disabilities make you uncomfortable. You're making a wise decision based on your assessment of the quality of life you can already tell you will have. And be sure of this: being unable to use your own yard because of constant neighbor ridiculousness really can make even the greatest home feel like a prison.

So, don't listen to your friend--your gut is doing a great job thus far. :)
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Winterlight on September 22, 2012, 12:06:38 PM
Nothing new to add but agreeing with the majority.  If you don't feel comfortable at the prospect of living next door to this family you are within your rights not to buy this house.

The point a few posts back about what will happen when the neighbor's children are older, bigger, stronger, and noisier is standing out in my mind.  You should not have to worry about feeling comfortable in your own yard or even your home.

Excellent point. This situation is not likely to get better any time soon.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: TootsNYC on September 23, 2012, 03:36:56 PM
I'll be honest--I wouldn't want to live next door to kids who made a lot of noise outside all the time, no matter what their reason, even if it was something they couldn't control. I just don't want to.

I'm not required to. Etiquette doesn't require me to. Character doesn't even require me to.

And I don't care if it's "bigoted" or not.

Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Fleur on September 23, 2012, 04:29:41 PM


Add me to the pile. My goodness, some people have a very odd idea of what constitutes bigotry. How ridiculous. I'm sorry that you can't buy the place, as it would otherwise be such a good fit, but I think you're very wise. Frankly, this family sound like a total nightmare, and the last thing that you need on top of the stress of a divorce and an infant!
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Carpathia on September 23, 2012, 04:53:33 PM
Setting boundaries and maintaining them with people like this can be time consuming and stressful in itself. I agree with the people saying don't buy the house.

Oh, and bigoted - no. That's just a ridiculous (and very insulting) thing for someone else to say to you.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Outdoor Girl on September 23, 2012, 04:58:11 PM
Honestly, I wouldn't have bought my first house if I'd realized that a minor drug pusher lived next door.  (He bought cigarettes and booze, mostly, and sold it to underage kids.  About 3 years after I moved in, the cops picked him up and I didn't have anymore problems.)

So you are not a bigot for not wanting to live next to a family that would make it difficult to enjoy your own yard and a woman would expect you to help her look after her family.  No matter how well you establish your boundaries, it would be exhausting to constantly have to keep them enforced.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Bluenomi on September 23, 2012, 06:52:13 PM
I'll be honest--I wouldn't want to live next door to kids who made a lot of noise outside all the time, no matter what their reason, even if it was something they couldn't control. I just don't want to.

I'm not required to. Etiquette doesn't require me to. Character doesn't even require me to.

And I don't care if it's "bigoted" or not.

Once again Toots has said everything I wanted to say!
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: ACBNYC on September 23, 2012, 08:04:46 PM
Let's say you *were* a bigot, and you went to look at a house. You happen to notice that the family next door is a family of purple people eaters. You really don't like purple people eaters, so you decline to buy the house. You are NOT rude for not living by people with whom you do not want to associate. A distasteful bigot, maybe, but NOT rude. Rude would be moving in and harassing them or being rude to friendly overtures.

In this case you have the feeling that your neighbors would change your life with demands. You have a right to protect your peace and sanity. Regardless of the cause, declining to NOT move somewhere is never rude.

Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: violinp on September 23, 2012, 08:22:12 PM
I'll be honest--I wouldn't want to live next door to kids who made a lot of noise outside all the time, no matter what their reason, even if it was something they couldn't control. I just don't want to.

I'm not required to. Etiquette doesn't require me to. Character doesn't even require me to.

And I don't care if it's "bigoted" or not.

Once again Toots has said everything I wanted to say!

POD.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: TootsNYC on September 24, 2012, 06:43:18 AM
It is not "treating the prospective new neighbors" rudely to decide not to buy a house next door to them.

Even if you ARE a racist, you are completely OK to decide not to buy a house based on the race of the people next door. (heck, you're probably doing them a favor!)

One great freedom in our country is "freedom of association."

You get to choose who you will be friends with. And when you *can* choose who your neighbors are, you are entitled to do so.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Rohanna on September 24, 2012, 06:53:04 AM
You are certainly not rude, but wow I feel for those home owners. Can you imagine trying to sell at that time of life, not cause you want to, but because you feel like you can't live in your own home anymore?  :-\
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: SeptGurl on September 24, 2012, 08:32:18 AM
I'll be honest--I wouldn't want to live next door to kids who made a lot of noise outside all the time, no matter what their reason, even if it was something they couldn't control. I just don't want to.

I'm not required to. Etiquette doesn't require me to. Character doesn't even require me to.

And I don't care if it's "bigoted" or not.

POD POD POD. If we had known what we were getting into before we bought our current house, I can guarantee that we would not have bought it. The PP who said you've dodged a bullet is right on the money.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: LongtimeLurker on September 24, 2012, 09:09:18 AM
You are certainly not rude, but wow I feel for those home owners. Can you imagine trying to sell at that time of life, not cause you want to, but because you feel like you can't live in your own home anymore?  :-\

I have to POD this.  We don't know why the homeowners are moving but they clearly knew that the neighbour would be a negative on any buyer's checklist. 

Personally, I think you should buy the house so I can have stories to read here.  Kidding!

Seriously, buying a home where you have any apprehension, be it the types of renos needed, the traffic or the neighbours, would be probably be foolhardy and lessen your enjoyment of your purchase.  I am sure you will find another home that fits you like a glove.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: bopper on September 24, 2012, 09:23:43 AM
It seems that you have a nice house you can afford you will have to give up something...is it a not as awesome neighborhood? Is it one less bedroom? is it a smaller lot? is it neighbors with issues?  Only you can decide what is worth it.

IMHO Bigotry would be not moving in because they are of a different ethnicity or because the children had a medical condition.  Bigotry is not the case when the neighbors are loud or have a messy yard or are imposing on your time.
It's a "what they are" vs. "What they do".
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: still in va on September 24, 2012, 09:48:19 AM
It seems that you have a nice house you can afford you will have to give up something...is it a not as awesome neighborhood? Is it one less bedroom? is it a smaller lot? is it neighbors with issues?  Only you can decide what is worth it.

IMHO Bigotry would be not moving in because they are of a different ethnicity or because the children had a medical condition.  Bigotry is not the case when the neighbors are loud or have a messy yard or are imposing on your time.
It's a "what they are" vs. "What they do".

IIRC, the children do have a medical condition, to which the loud behavior and frequent requests for help can be attributed.  that still doesn't make donnamo a bigot.  she'll have enough on her own plate being a single parent to her own child.  not bigoted in the least to avoid the bad situation that she can see coming. 
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Queen of Clubs on September 24, 2012, 10:23:59 AM
Donna, I agree with the majority of the posters in that this isn't bigotry.  If you didn't want to live there because of the children's medical condition, that would be one thing, but you don't want to live there because of their mother and how she's dealing with her life and how she's recruiting the whole of the street to meet her needs.  I'm sure her life is hard, I'm sure she needs a lot of help, but it's not the responsibility of her neighbours to meet those needs.

If you know someone is going to make your life difficult, then it makes sense to avoid them if possible.  You have no responsibility towards this woman, so avoiding her by not moving in isn't a bad thing.

ETA: I also feel incredibly sorry for the homeowners.  It sounds like they're selling to escape this woman and her requests for help, which is another red flag as to how bad the situation is.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: TootsNYC on September 24, 2012, 10:39:37 AM
I think it would be completely okay to decide you didn't want to live there because of the children's medical condition--because of the way their medical condition would impact YOUR life.

I feel for the mom, and the kids. Even if she wasn't a remora, I wouldn't buy that house. But that doesn't maek me a horrible person.

And even if it does, I'm entitled to be a horrible person.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: BeagleMommy on September 24, 2012, 11:01:46 AM
OP, you are not a bigot.  This mom is imposing on strangers to help raise her children.  Granted, her children have a medical condition that, I'm sure, puts a lot of stress on her.  However, I'm sure there are agencies in the area to which she can apply to assist with her needs.

You have enough stresses of your own.  I cannot imagine the stresses of an impending divorce and the prospects of being a single mother.  You do not need to take on the burden of her stress as well.  Knowing what you discovered about this woman I think you were wise to decline the purchase.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: bopper on September 24, 2012, 11:09:15 AM
It seems that you have a nice house you can afford you will have to give up something...is it a not as awesome neighborhood? Is it one less bedroom? is it a smaller lot? is it neighbors with issues?  Only you can decide what is worth it.

IMHO Bigotry would be not moving in because they are of a different ethnicity or because the children had a medical condition.  Bigotry is not the case when the neighbors are loud or have a messy yard or are imposing on your time.
It's a "what they are" vs. "What they do".

IIRC, the children do have a medical condition, to which the loud behavior and frequent requests for help can be attributed.  that still doesn't make donnamo a bigot.  she'll have enough on her own plate being a single parent to her own child.  not bigoted in the least to avoid the bad situation that she can see coming.

What I was saying is that she isn't considering the house because for example they had a condition, but the effect of that condition on others.  For example, if they had HIV and were quiet, it would be bigotry to not move in just because of the condition that had no affect on you.  But if they have a condition that makes them loud with a mom that does nothing to try to ameliorate the situation and she also asks for many favors, then that is not bigotry.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: still in va on September 24, 2012, 12:35:07 PM
It seems that you have a nice house you can afford you will have to give up something...is it a not as awesome neighborhood? Is it one less bedroom? is it a smaller lot? is it neighbors with issues?  Only you can decide what is worth it.

IMHO Bigotry would be not moving in because they are of a different ethnicity or because the children had a medical condition.  Bigotry is not the case when the neighbors are loud or have a messy yard or are imposing on your time.
It's a "what they are" vs. "What they do".

IIRC, the children do have a medical condition, to which the loud behavior and frequent requests for help can be attributed.  that still doesn't make donnamo a bigot.  she'll have enough on her own plate being a single parent to her own child.  not bigoted in the least to avoid the bad situation that she can see coming.

What I was saying is that she isn't considering the house because for example they had a condition, but the effect of that condition on others.  For example, if they had HIV and were quiet, it would be bigotry to not move in just because of the condition that had no affect on you.  But if they have a condition that makes them loud with a mom that does nothing to try to ameliorate the situation and she also asks for many favors, then that is not bigotry.

oh, thanks for expanding, bopper.  we're in complete agreement!
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: camlan on September 24, 2012, 12:52:35 PM
Let's say the kids were perfectly healthy, but the mother was the same--relying on neighbors to help her out with the kids all the time.

I still would have doubts about buying that house, because while I want to be a good neighbor and I want the neighbors to like me, I don't like being used.

One apartment I rented had a small outdoor space for each unit. Every single time I went outside to sit and read, a neighbor's little girl would show up and want to play. She was a great kid, very bright and chatty and I liked her. But after about a month, I realized that her mother was sending her out to play with me--I was not only an unpaid babysitter--I hadn't even realized that I was babysitting. The end came one day when I decided I didn't want to play with the little girl and told her to go home, only to find out that her mother had gone shopping and locked the door!

I don't mind helping people out when they need it. I do mind being taken advantage of. And I think this mother next door is the kind to take advantage of people. And I'd have to consider that house carefully to determine if living next to her was worth it.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: wolfie on September 24, 2012, 04:10:45 PM
Let's say the kids were perfectly healthy, but the mother was the same--relying on neighbors to help her out with the kids all the time.

I still would have doubts about buying that house, because while I want to be a good neighbor and I want the neighbors to like me, I don't like being used.

One apartment I rented had a small outdoor space for each unit. Every single time I went outside to sit and read, a neighbor's little girl would show up and want to play. She was a great kid, very bright and chatty and I liked her. But after about a month, I realized that her mother was sending her out to play with me--I was not only an unpaid babysitter--I hadn't even realized that I was babysitting. The end came one day when I decided I didn't want to play with the little girl and told her to go home, only to find out that her mother had gone shopping and locked the door!

I don't mind helping people out when they need it. I do mind being taken advantage of. And I think this mother next door is the kind to take advantage of people. And I'd have to consider that house carefully to determine if living next to her was worth it.

You can't leave it like that! You have to tell us what happened after you found out the mom went shopping and locked the door.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: HorseFreak on September 24, 2012, 04:36:47 PM
I think it would be completely okay to decide you didn't want to live there because of the children's medical condition--because of the way their medical condition would impact YOUR life.

I feel for the mom, and the kids. Even if she wasn't a remora, I wouldn't buy that house. But that doesn't maek me a horrible person.

And even if it does, I'm entitled to be a horrible person.

I agree. Just because the kids' screaming/yelping is due to a medical condition doesn't make it any easier to sleep through. I would run screaming from that place!
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: siamesecat2965 on September 25, 2012, 11:49:08 AM
My last apt was in a house, with 3 other apts.  I was on the top floor, and the driveway/garage parking area was behind the house.  One of the tenants in the first floor had been there forever, something like 30+ years.  She was a nice lady, but lonely, and could talk the hind end off a donkey.  She also used to sit outside whenver it was warm and sunny, and you HAD to pass by her to get to your apt. 

Each and every time she'd see me, she'd start chatting. Now I'm a chatty person too, but this was too much.  we'd start off with how are you, etc.  and then she'd go off on some tangent, talking about people you didn't know and other totally unrelated things.  My stairs were off to the side of the house, and I finally had to start talking and walking, and even then she'd follow me for a certain distance, still chatting merrily away.  I didn't move because of that, but it certainly didn't make me happy to have to look out my window each and every time I wanted to go somewhere!
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Ginger G on September 25, 2012, 11:54:09 AM
I agree with practically everyone else, not moving there does not make you a bigot at all!  You're lucky you found out the situation before moving in.  Thanks to my next door neighbor from ehell, I'm learning first hand that the type of neighbors you have can really impact your quality of life.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: cabbageweevil on September 26, 2012, 09:30:35 AM
My last apt was in a house, with 3 other apts.  I was on the top floor, and the driveway/garage parking area was behind the house.  One of the tenants in the first floor had been there forever, something like 30+ years.  She was a nice lady, but lonely, and could talk the hind end off a donkey.  She also used to sit outside whenver it was warm and sunny, and you HAD to pass by her to get to your apt. 

Each and every time she'd see me, she'd start chatting. Now I'm a chatty person too, but this was too much.  we'd start off with how are you, etc.  and then she'd go off on some tangent, talking about people you didn't know and other totally unrelated things.  My stairs were off to the side of the house, and I finally had to start talking and walking, and even then she'd follow me for a certain distance, still chatting merrily away.  I didn't move because of that, but it certainly didn't make me happy to have to look out my window each and every time I wanted to go somewhere!

Reminds me of a period when I had a room in a house cut up into individual dwellings. For a while, another room in the house was inhabited by a fellow who gave rise to a situation similar to the one with the lady, which you describe. He was unused to being on his own, and had various personal troubles and difficulties. Plus, he came from a different, and hyper-sociable, culture; "privacy" was a concept which baffled him -- he thought it a weird perversion afflicting the "locals" here in the UK, and which he tried to play his part in educating them out of.

He tended to emerge from his room (ground floor, front of house) when he was aware of a fellow-resident coming into the house, and seize upon them and engage in lengthy discourse -- part about his own doings, part interrogation (sometimes about unwelcome-ly personal matters).  I and the other imhabitants ended up creeping stealthily into the house, praying that he'd be out, or for once not on the alert. (Also, at times he'd come to one's room and knock on the door, wanting to lengthily chat.) It's laudable to try to do some meeting of people's needs; but past a certain point, it becomes beyond the reach of anybody but a saint.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Piratelvr1121 on September 26, 2012, 10:21:29 AM
Selfish does not always equal bad rude awful puppykicking monster.  If we didn't have a healthy dose of selfish we'd give away everything we own and end up wandering the streets nekkid and starving.

I certainly wouldn't move there either.  Why?  Because even though I am very friendly and outgoing, I need me-time.  I selfishly guard my me-time.  I have a crazy busy schedule and not much time to decompress (don't get me wrong, I love being busy, that's why I guard me-time).  If Auntie Mame doesn't get her me-time, she turns into Mommy Dearest. 

You need to be selfish and do what's best for you and your family.  From your description and what your gut is telling you (listen to the gut, always listen to the gut), you would not have a moment's peace.

I'm like that too.  I love my kids and am friendly towards others, but I'm rather introverted and need my me time.  Heck every Saturday I usually take off with the van to have a bit of shopping time to myself when I don't have to take the kids with me and can shop at leisure.  And with a baby emerging into toddlerhood, even though he's pretty good and sweet, I still enjoy the 2 hours a day I get to myself when he goes down for his nap.  I would not appreciate a neighbor saying 'Well hey, since the baby's sleeping and you're not busy..."  ::)  Those two hours are for doing things that are easier done when he's not underfoot and sometimes that includes a nap for me, too.

I think you're fine, OP. Yes you could put up barriers, but it does get tiring to have to keep reinforcing said barriers.   We've had our dealings with the children of parents who would send them our way to get them out of the parents' hair.  Usually it's the kids who are spoiled brats cause they're given anything they want to bribe them into leaving mom and dad alone. It gets old, and fast.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: BabyMama on September 26, 2012, 05:07:03 PM
I don't understand why you couldn't say no to her demands, however, if you really wanted to buy the place.  Who cares what her situation is?  Her childcare issues are not yours to solve.  If she tried to do a drop and run I would make sure she knew I was calling CPS as soon as she left.

As a person in a neighborhood with a moocher, I recommend (if you move in) to keep her at arm's length and give her no way to communicate with her. Our moocher lives on the other side of the culdesac and has approached pretty much everyone else but us--not for lack of trying. Last winter she asked our neighbor (who we are friendly with, our daughters play) if she could have our phone number so my husband could shovel her driveway.  :o He told her he wouldn't, and she hasn't tried to approach us since.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: lowspark on September 28, 2012, 09:07:52 AM
Another thing to consider is resalability.  Buying a house with a known flaw can be risky because when you want to move out, you'll be in the same spot as the couple who own the house now. And yes, a neighbor who is known for imposing on others in the neighborhood is a known flaw. I don't see anything rude about deciding not to buy a house, or anything else for that matter, for any reason in the world. My money, my decision. Nothing rude about that.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: CreteGirl on October 02, 2012, 04:46:01 PM
If you really love the house and the price, what about putting up a backyard fence to keep the neighbors away?  If they ring your doorbell, don't answer.

Keep in mind that the children will not be small forever, and things may change quickly for the better in a few years.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Shoo on October 02, 2012, 05:08:24 PM

Keep in mind that the children will not be small forever, and things may change quickly for the better in a few years.


It might, that's true.  Or, like the boy who lives a few houses down from me, it might get worse as the children get bigger.  The boy on my street is now 21 or 22 years old, and when the weather is good -- when everybody wants to be out in their yards enjoying the day, doing gardening, etc. -- this young man stands out on his front yard barking like a dog.  For hours at a time.  Non-stop.  When he's not barking, he's banging a plastic baseball bat against the metal sign post.  As he has gotten older, he has definitely gotten noisier.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: EMuir on October 03, 2012, 05:22:06 PM
That house would have to be REALLY cheap for you to have to put up with noise and a moochy neighbour, IMHO.  Also, remember you'll probably have trouble selling it later on for the same reasons, so unless you plan to stay there a very long time, you may lose money.

I had a neighbour who was a hoarder.  Occasionally his junk would avalanche onto our sidewalk and we'd toss it back.  Otherwise it didn't really affect us, but it still sucked to live next to him and see that garbage every day. If we'd tried to sell our house while he was living next door I'm sure it would have sold for less.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: lowspark on October 04, 2012, 09:47:15 AM
Yeah, the child will get older, but if the mom's the type of person who imposes and takes advantage of others, there's no reason to think she'll change her personality will change over the years. I'd skip this house and keep looking.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: WillyNilly on October 04, 2012, 09:54:51 AM
Hey OP why not suggest the house to your Ex?  Sounds like a great house for a good deal and he sounds (from your other thread) like someone who could use a big dose of being the one asked for unreasonable contributions and support for other people's lifestyles!
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: StuffedGrapeLeaves on October 04, 2012, 10:04:49 AM
Hey OP why not suggest the house to your Ex?  Sounds like a great house for a good deal and he sounds (from your other thread) like someone who could use a big dose of being the one asked for unreasonable contributions and support for other people's lifestyles!

Oh, I just snorted coffee up my nose reading this.  That's a good idea, WillyNilly.   ;D
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: LeveeWoman on October 04, 2012, 11:01:31 AM
Hey OP why not suggest the house to your Ex?  Sounds like a great house for a good deal and he sounds (from your other thread) like someone who could use a big dose of being the one asked for unreasonable contributions and support for other people's lifestyles!

ROFLMBO!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Fleur on October 04, 2012, 12:11:03 PM
Hey OP why not suggest the house to your Ex?  Sounds like a great house for a good deal and he sounds (from your other thread) like someone who could use a big dose of being the one asked for unreasonable contributions and support for other people's lifestyles!

I'm evil, because I would actually do this.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: LeveeWoman on October 04, 2012, 12:12:53 PM
Mooch meets Mooch.
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Fleur on October 04, 2012, 12:13:58 PM
Mooch meets Mooch.

Mooch and Moocher. Coming soon to a street near you!
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: LeveeWoman on October 04, 2012, 12:19:14 PM
Mooch meets Mooch.

Mooch and Moocher. Coming soon to a street near you!

LOL!
Title: Re: Is This Rude? Self-preservation? Both?
Post by: Sara Crewe on October 04, 2012, 12:24:34 PM
Something to bear in mind is that from the other thread is that your ex apparently has you worried that refusing to fund his time with your daughter is unreasonable.  It seems that he has you trained to be the moochee in a moocher/moochee relationship and while it can be seen that your spine is rapidly developing, I don't think you should subject yourself to someone else like this at an early stage.