Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Topic started by: gen xer on September 23, 2012, 01:12:29 PM

Title: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: gen xer on September 23, 2012, 01:12:29 PM
Hello all....

First post here....I have been driving an older lady to and from work for several years...she approached me and although I really did NOT want to take it on I felt put on the spot and agreed to it.   Since then she has been the ideal rider - always giving me gas money and always on time...however it is still out of my way and at times inconvenient. 

For a while it looked like she would not be returning after she completed her current contract due to funding issues so I was content to continue as is thinking we were coming to the end of it...but our employer has miraculously managed to wrangle funding for her position and she will now continue employment and is expecting to continue riding with me.

I informed her that I would drive her as long as she had some backup transportation because I had other commitments that would sometimes necessitate a change in schedule and /or whether I was going to be going directly home  after work.  I of course would give her as much notice as possible and refund any gas money for that trip.  Since then I had another coworker inform me that I had agreed to drive her and I should be making myself available. 

Seriously?  I did not think I was a chauffeur. :-\

I had never thought of myself as rude for asking this but now I am not so sure.  Just want some opinions...thanks!

Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: gramma dishes on September 23, 2012, 01:20:18 PM
I think you are beyond thoughtful to let her know that there will be times you just can't drive her.  It's not as though you are a taxi service and that she is contracted with you as her personal driver.  Yes, she's paying gas money (which is great) but she's not paying for your time or the extra wear and tear on your car -- and you.  You are your own primary responsibility.  Not her.

I think you've been doing a very considerate and generous thing and you should be commended for driving her at all.  It is out of your way and it's definitely not a part of your 'job description'. 

Perhaps the coworker who is criticizing your handling of this situation should be the one driving her!  Perhaps you should suggest it!   :)
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: SiotehCat on September 23, 2012, 01:22:31 PM
I don't think you are wrong to stop driving her. I would have stopped a long time ago. I just dont like being responsible for getting another person to work.

I think you should give her 2 weeks notice, maybe a month if you really want to be extra nice, but thats it.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: O'Dell on September 23, 2012, 01:30:44 PM
Hello all....

First post here....I have been driving an older lady to and from work for several years...she approached me and although I really did NOT want to take it on I felt put on the spot and agreed to it.   Since then she has been the ideal rider - always giving me gas money and always on time...however it is still out of my way and at times inconvenient. 

For a while it looked like she would not be returning after she completed her current contract due to funding issues so I was content to continue as is thinking we were coming to the end of it...but our employer has miraculously managed to wrangle funding for her position and she will now continue employment and is expecting to continue riding with me.

I informed her that I would drive her as long as she had some backup transportation because I had other commitments that would sometimes necessitate a change in schedule and /or whether I was going to be going directly home  after work.  I of course would give her as much notice as possible and refund any gas money for that trip.  Since then I had another coworker inform me that I had agreed to drive her and I should be making myself available. 

Seriously?  I did not think I was a chauffeur. :-\

I had never thought of myself as rude for asking this but now I am not so sure.  Just want some opinions...thanks!

No you are not rude to change the schedule when you have to. I'm curious...how did that even come up that your other coworker was commenting on it? I hope it was not because the woman you give rides to wasn't complaining. At any rate, I think the other coworker's the rude one as it's not her business.

And you would not be rude to stop giving the woman rides altogether. You should give her some notice so she can make other arrangements. "I'm afraid it will no longer be possible for me to give you rides after XX date. You'll need to make other arrangements for getting to and from work." And just stick with "It's just not possible" no matter what she or anyone else says.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: JenJay on September 23, 2012, 02:10:40 PM
Welcome!  :)

Heck no you aren't rude to ask her to have a back-up plan in place for when you can't drive her. Life happens, sometimes you'll have an urgent appointment immediately after work, sometimes you'll be sick and unable to go in at all, I hope you get an occasional vacation! It sounds like you two have an ideal, mutually respectful situation going. I'm sure your carpool buddy appreciates the ride and also the heads-up when you won't be available. As for your other coworker, if she's so adamant that someone be available to drive the lady every day, no matter what, maybe she should volunteer to take over for you.  ;)
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: miranova on September 23, 2012, 02:39:17 PM
I think you are very kind to have driven her this long and very kind to continue to be willing to do so most days. 

Of course it is not rude for you to have other commitments or priorities on certain evenings.  Your only obligation whatsoever in this situation is to not leave her thinking she has a ride when she doesn't.  Which you are not doing.  You are communicating with her as to when you won't be available.

Your coworker is wrong about your obligations and also rude to basically tell you that you what you must do with your time.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: SleepyKitty on September 23, 2012, 02:50:10 PM
Just chiming in to agree with the others that of course you are not rude to put some limits on the rides this woman gets from you.

But I'm going to throw in some un-asked for advice as well - take it with a grain of salt.  :) You noted at the beginning that you did not want to drive this woman, and yet you have been doing so for several years? And it sounds like you were really looking forward to the fact that you would no longer be driving her before you knew her contract was extended.

Whether or not this woman has been the perfect passenger, if you don't want to drive her for any reason - stop driving her. I apologize if I'm overstepping, but I can't imagine fulfilling an obligation that I didn't want in the first place for years. This board is excellent at offering little scripts or helping people make up phrases if you're just not sure how to tell her no. And of course I may be totally off base in thinking you'd rather not have to drive her at all! But if that is the case, I would suggest you take this incident as an opportunity to say that you have more commitments now than you did before (no one needs to know the commitment is your couch and dinner) and you're unable to drive her home any more.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: LeveeWoman on September 23, 2012, 03:00:51 PM
Why is this any of the other co-worker's business?
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Bijou on September 23, 2012, 03:04:13 PM
Not rude and, in fact, very generous to have commuted with her for all this time.  All you are asking is that she have back up so you don't have to be concerned about it.  I don't know if the co-worker was giving you a heads up about this lady having feelings about it or if she/he thinks you should continue to drive the woman, but either way it is none of her business. 
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Fleur on September 23, 2012, 03:53:24 PM
Just chiming in to agree with the others that of course you are not rude to put some limits on the rides this woman gets from you.

But I'm going to throw in some un-asked for advice as well - take it with a grain of salt.  :) You noted at the beginning that you did not want to drive this woman, and yet you have been doing so for several years? And it sounds like you were really looking forward to the fact that you would no longer be driving her before you knew her contract was extended.

Whether or not this woman has been the perfect passenger, if you don't want to drive her for any reason - stop driving her. I apologize if I'm overstepping, but I can't imagine fulfilling an obligation that I didn't want in the first place for years. This board is excellent at offering little scripts or helping people make up phrases if you're just not sure how to tell her no. And of course I may be totally off base in thinking you'd rather not have to drive her at all! But if that is the case, I would suggest you take this incident as an opportunity to say that you have more commitments now than you did before (no one needs to know the commitment is your couch and dinner) and you're unable to drive her home any more.

Oh my goodness, so much this. You are far nicer than I am, OP. I would have used some variation on 'that won't be possible' right from the get go, so you've already done far more than enough. I really would take the oppurtunity to bow out altogether. I can understand that you might not feel comfortable doing so, but I would urge you at least to consider it. It is a considerable favour you are doing, and by no means is this lady owed it.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: gen xer on September 23, 2012, 03:58:39 PM
Just chiming in to agree with the others that of course you are not rude to put some limits on the rides this woman gets from you.

But I'm going to throw in some un-asked for advice as well - take it with a grain of salt.  :) You noted at the beginning that you did not want to drive this woman, and yet you have been doing so for several years? And it sounds like you were really looking forward to the fact that you would no longer be driving her before you knew her contract was extended.

Whether or not this woman has been the perfect passenger, if you don't want to drive her for any reason - stop driving her. I apologize if I'm overstepping, but I can't imagine fulfilling an obligation that I didn't want in the first place for years. This board is excellent at offering little scripts or helping people make up phrases if you're just not sure how to tell her no. And of course I may be totally off base in thinking you'd rather not have to drive her at all! But if that is the case, I would suggest you take this incident as an opportunity to say that you have more commitments now than you did before (no one needs to know the commitment is your couch and dinner) and you're unable to drive her home any more.

Not overstepping at all - back story - she asked me shortly after I started and was always hinting around that she might buy another car....or stop working altogether etc....To be honest I really don't like driving her even thought she is a nice lady and a good passenger.  It's just EVERY STINKIN Day....having to make small talk when I'd rather listen to the radio and an extra 15 minutes added on to my day.  I even tried changing my work hours only to have her say she would change hers to match mine.  I told her I was considering a compressed schedule where I work extra long hours in order to get a day off ( only permanent staff are allowed this not contractors like her ) and she said she would wait around for the extra hour per day.

Good grief.  I know I should just say I can't do it anymore but it would boil down to me having to admit I just don't want to....and she would be very hurt. 

As far as the other coworker....I don't think it was formulate das a complaint but more of a "Can you drive me whenh I need it - faux pas says I need to have other rides available.  At least I hope that's how it was.  I'd be choked if it was a complaint.

Thanks for the comments so far everyone :)
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: kareng57 on September 23, 2012, 04:03:40 PM
Shouldn't she have had a backup plan for all these past years, anyway?  Even in a very amicable ride-sharing situation, there will always be times that the driver is sick, on vacation, etc.

Of course you're free to stop doing the driving, and it's none of the co-worker's business.  But if you've been doing it these several years, it stands to reason your passenger had no idea that you didn't like doing it.  I understand your reluctance to say "no", but I don't think it's reasonable to have expected her to have interpreted your "changing working hours" as "don't want to drive you anymore".
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: thlayly on September 23, 2012, 04:07:12 PM
I think you should make some excuse (wiser EHellions will give you a script!) and stop giving her rides. Saying no doesn't make you impolite.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: gen xer on September 23, 2012, 04:08:49 PM
I am the first to admit this is of my own making - and that I shouldn't need to explain or have a reason why I can no longer drive her.  I would say the same thing to anyone else who asked. 

Really I just wish I had a more substantial reason other than " I don't want to - you're a royal pain in the bacon-fed knave".

I guess I need a nice way of saying that :P
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: YummyMummy66 on September 23, 2012, 04:12:19 PM
I would start right now and tell her that as of: (give her at least thirty days), you will not be able to drive her on:  (pick two or three days of your choosing), as you have other commitments and will not be able to go out of your way.

You do not need to tell her what those commitments are.  Just say, "Suzie, I am sorry.  But, I said I have other commitments on Mondays and Thursdays and will not be able to drive you to or from work.  You will need to make other arrangements.

And keep repeating if necessary.  If anyone else wants to comment and stick their nose in this business, I would reply, "Well, since you seem so concerned, I will let Suzie know that you are willing to take over the days that I am not able to".  Bet that shuts them up because they may say all they want to, I notice they have stepped up to the plate, now have they?
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: gen xer on September 23, 2012, 04:21:10 PM
Shouldn't she have had a backup plan for all these past years, anyway?  Even in a very amicable ride-sharing situation, there will always be times that the driver is sick, on vacation, etc.

Of course you're free to stop doing the driving, and it's none of the co-worker's business.  But if you've been doing it these several years, it stands to reason your passenger had no idea that you didn't like doing it.  I understand your reluctance to say "no", but I don't think it's reasonable to have expected her to have interpreted your "changing working hours" as "don't want to drive you anymore".

She did have back up rides and I certainly don't go in with the flu or not take vacation just to make sure she had a ride...this was more of a "I will be unavailable more often than the occasional sick day or vacation time from now on "

The funny thing is she keeps saying stuff like "this is out of your way and it must be very inconvenient" which makes me wonder if she really feels that way then why is she imposing if she knows it is inconvenient?

I always kept hoping it was temporary....but now I feel so entrenched it is hard to disentangle now!
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: buvezdevin on September 23, 2012, 04:26:59 PM
I think you have been very considerate, and reasonably expected the situation to have resolved itself by now - as it hasn't, in your place, I would go back to Ms. Daisy and let her know you won't be driving her beyond the next two weeks.

I'd explain to her that you had never expected the commitment to last *beyond* several years, and while you've enjoyed her company, you are making personal plans for yourself which will prevent you from being her ride every day.  Rather than have both she and you attempt to manage schedules and plan for when you could drive her, and when she would need other arrangements - you realize it will be much simpler and better all around for her to make other transportation plans which do not involve you at all.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: kckgirl on September 23, 2012, 04:32:12 PM
I think you have been very considerate, and reasonably expected the situation to have resolved itself by now - as it hasn't, in your place, I would go back to Ms. Daisy and let her know you won't be driving her beyond the next two weeks.

I'd explain to her that you had never expected the commitment to last *beyond* several years, and while you've enjoyed her company, you are making personal plans for yourself which will prevent you from being her ride every day.  Rather than have both she and you attempt to manage schedules and plan for when you could drive her, and when she would need other arrangements - you realize it will be much simpler and better all around for her to make other transportation plans which do not involve you at all.

I agree!!!
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Penguin_ar on September 23, 2012, 04:50:27 PM
The funny thing is she keeps saying stuff like "this is out of your way and it must be very inconvenient" which makes me wonder if she really feels that way then why is she imposing if she knows it is inconvenient?

Sounds like she may sense you are fed up, or be surprised herself the arrangement lasted that long! So she is giving you an opening to say you want to stop with comments such as the above.  But unless you make it clear you cannot continue, she is not going to make you stop.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: TootsNYC on September 23, 2012, 05:02:25 PM

Really I just wish I had a more substantial reason other than " I don't want to - you're a royal pain in the bacon-fed knave".

I guess I need a nice way of saying that :P

Here's my advice on these sorts of situations:

Never talk about the negative. It's not about what you DON'T want--it's about what you DO want.

So: "I want the time to myself."
"I need flexibility back"
"I'm planning to use my evenings differently."
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: gen xer on September 23, 2012, 05:20:45 PM

Really I just wish I had a more substantial reason other than " I don't want to - you're a royal pain in the bacon-fed knave".

I guess I need a nice way of saying that :P

Here's my advice on these sorts of situations:

Never talk about the negative. It's not about what you DON'T want--it's about what you DO want.

So: "I want the time to myself."
"I need flexibility back"
"I'm planning to use my evenings differently."

I'm trying to extricate myself....slowly....with that kind of reasoning because you are right - it is nothing personal - just me wanting to reclaim that time.  I'm kicking myself for having painted myself into a corner with her.

Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: MyFamily on September 23, 2012, 05:23:30 PM
The funny thing is she keeps saying stuff like "this is out of your way and it must be very inconvenient" which makes me wonder if she really feels that way then why is she imposing if she knows it is inconvenient?

What do you say when she says this?  If you don't really say anything or telling her that 'of course it isn't an imposition' than my feeling is that she probably feels that if she was the one giving someone a rides it would be an imposition, so she is saying that to get reassurance from you that it isn't an imposition.  The next time she says this, use it as an opening to discuss the fact that you need to cut back on doing this, using the other examples from above.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: rain on September 23, 2012, 05:23:43 PM
sometimes - instead of doing thing slowly (like ripping a bandaid off) its better to do it quickly and have it over with
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: JenJay on September 23, 2012, 05:29:39 PM
Of course you have every right to stop giving her rides without explanation, you've been extremely generous and accomodating thus far! That said, if it was me, I'd feel guilty and have to resort to a little white lie.

I would change my schedule to what worked best for me (whether that's the hours that provide an extra day off or reverting back to the old hours) and then email her something like -

"Hi friend. Effective [date of schedule change] my work hours will be changing. I'm also going to start a new activity outside of work, so I'm afraid I'll be unable to provide you with rides from that point on. I wanted to give you as much notice as possible so that you can make arrangements."

If she asks what you'll be doing you can say you've decided to start a new hobby or something, just keep it vague. Nobody needs to know that your new activity will be enjoying a shorter, more relaxing commute.  ;)
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: SamiHami on September 23, 2012, 05:44:04 PM

Really I just wish I had a more substantial reason other than " I don't want to - you're a royal pain in the bacon-fed knave".

I guess I need a nice way of saying that :P

Here's my advice on these sorts of situations:

Never talk about the negative. It's not about what you DON'T want--it's about what you DO want.

So: "I want the time to myself."
"I need flexibility back"
"I'm planning to use my evenings differently."

I'm trying to extricate myself....slowly....with that kind of reasoning because you are right - it is nothing personal - just me wanting to reclaim that time.  I'm kicking myself for having painted myself into a corner with her.

You haven't painted yourself into a corner. You are simply allowing your kind nature to take control of the situation. You have done a wonderful thing; you have provided this woman a ride for several years, even though it is not your responsibility to do so. Deciding that you are no longer going to do so is does not negate the kindness that you showed to her all those years.

I would simply explain to her that she should start considering other modes of transportation as you will be unable to continue giving her rides after X date. You can do this nicely and mention that you recognize that she's always been a good passenger, etc, but that your current arrangement no longer works for you. The main thing to remember is that there is nothing wrong, bad, or mean about doing this! The other thing to remember is that you do not owe her, or anyone else, an explaination.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: gen xer on September 23, 2012, 05:52:41 PM
The funny thing is she keeps saying stuff like "this is out of your way and it must be very inconvenient" which makes me wonder if she really feels that way then why is she imposing if she knows it is inconvenient?

What do you say when she says this?  If you don't really say anything or telling her that 'of course it isn't an imposition' than my feeling is that she probably feels that if she was the one giving someone a rides it would be an imposition, so she is saying that to get reassurance from you that it isn't an imposition.  The next time she says this, use it as an opening to discuss the fact that you need to cut back on doing this, using the other examples from above.

I just grit my teeth and don't say much.  Obviously too subtle I know....but short of saying yeah you really are a nuisance....

You are probably right that she is just trying to get reassurance....and thinking that if she acknowledges the inconvenience it makes it less so.

I am asking her to find other rides home more frequently now ( one small victory for doormats everywhere ).


Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: TootsNYC on September 23, 2012, 06:49:17 PM
....but short of saying yeah you really are a nuisance....


No, no, no!

You've made the mistake of not speaking up sooner, and seething (a common one--most of us make it, frankly). And now it has BECOME personal, where it didn't need to be.

And, to be honest, where it is NOT personal.

SHE is not a nuisance.

GIVING HER A RIDE HOME is a nuisance.
The commitment is a nuisance.
The arrangement is a nuisance.
SHE is just fine.

So feel free to say, "IT has become a problem for me."

Say it. Own it. There is NOTHING wrong with it.

Just identify it properly. The arrangement is a problem for you.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: buvezdevin on September 23, 2012, 07:03:05 PM
It sounds as though you are uncomfortable with putting a full stop to rides, because that will possibly be read by your passenger as indicating that she has been an unwanted inconvenience all this time.

So you are pushing her to look for other rides more often, rather than making a clean break of a long standing pattern.

While baby birds, and people, may need training flights before being fully pushed out of the nest, it can be confusing to people who may not realize why a standard way of operating isn't working as well, though it still works most of the time.

It may be easier for both you and your passenger if - at some point - you can have a conversation, acknowledge that the shared rides have worked well for years - and since you are making changes to your personal schedule which change your availability, it would be easier for you both if she makes other transportation arrangements going forward.

Otherwise, you're just waiting for a painful penny to drop for her.  It you address it proactively, her needing to find other transport is because your situation has changed (even if that is simply your level of willingness), but "it isn't her."  If you do not address it proactively, she will likely eventually realize it is her, and may have the hurt you are trying to avoid in realizing she has inconvenience you for years, but you didn't want to say so.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Roe on September 23, 2012, 07:07:51 PM
I totally agree with Toots!

I know it's hard to say it and at times, it feels quite rude, but you must value yourself first and foremost. 

I would have an issue with the commitment.  I just don't want such a huge responsibility on my shoulders.

A couple of years ago, my SIL asked me if I could take my nephew to school and pick him up everyday.  (my kids didn't go to his school)  TBH, yes, I could've done had I wanted to but I just plain didn't want to. (and I love my nephew)

I told her "I can do it for a month until you make other arrangements."  She was a bit put off by it but in the end, I had to value my time and energy before her need for childcare.  Yes, it's selfish but sometimes, it's okay to be so. 

And I'm so glad I didn't have that responsibility on my shoulders for the entire year. I gave her an idea of what I was willing to do (one month) but beyond that, I just didn't want to commit. 

And you know, when you stop being the "go to" person for people, they magically find and/or make other arrangements without any trouble.  Imagine that!  ;)   My SIL was able to make arrangements with her job to go in an hour later and she found a friend's mom who picked him up from school at the same time she picked up her son.  Worked better for everyone.

Good luck and yes, you can do it!  Just tell her "this isn't working for me.  You'll have to make other arrangements." If she asks 'why' it isn't working for you, you don't have to explain.  Just say "it just isn't. Please make other arrangements starting the first of the month."  And repeat as necessary. 

ETA: Although you don't need to explain yourself, I'd probably let her know that you had no intention of giving her a ride this long.  That you just need to reclaim your travel time for yourself.  It's not rude to put yourself first.  Really, it isn't.  Took me years to learn that fact but I did and you will too.  :) 
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: siamesecat2965 on September 23, 2012, 07:45:51 PM
The funny thing is she keeps saying stuff like "this is out of your way and it must be very inconvenient" which makes me wonder if she really feels that way then why is she imposing if she knows it is inconvenient?

Sounds like she may sense you are fed up, or be surprised herself the arrangement lasted that long! So she is giving you an opening to say you want to stop with comments such as the above.  But unless you make it clear you cannot continue, she is not going to make you stop.

My own feeling is she keeps saying that in an effort to make herself feel better.  If you don't say anything in return, she just keeps thinking "well, she still drives me so it can't be THAT inconvenient'  I get this a lot at work. Customers always saying "I know you're closing/closed, but I'm almost done, just have one more thing to try on, just want to look for a top to go with this skirt' And since per corporate, we are not allowed to actually tell customers we are closed, please pay and leave, we can't do much.

If they really felt badly, they'd actually stop what they're doing!
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Amara on September 23, 2012, 07:54:57 PM
I am a firm believer in just saying you can no longer do it with no reasons given. OP, I used to be like you and in fact had the same problem. Mine just went on for about ten months rather than years. She wash't far out of my way but she never offered any kind of reimbursement. I grew ever more resentful until one day I finally woke up to the fact that this was killing me. I gently and with that timid voice told her I couldn't do it any more. Even as nervous and scared as I was I didn't offer an excuse or reason. She accepted it without a qualm.

So I urge you to find your inner courage and just do it. Just let her know that from [date] forward you will be unable to provide her a ride at any time. If she asks, just use the old e-Hell phrase, because "it's not possible any more." And that's it. If any co-worker has the nerve to ask you about it tell them they are not part of the situation and you are not going to discuss it. I have no doubt it will be hard for you, but it is not impossible. And once you say it you are going to feel soooooo much better. Truly you are.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: kareng57 on September 23, 2012, 08:15:26 PM
I am the first to admit this is of my own making - and that I shouldn't need to explain or have a reason why I can no longer drive her.  I would say the same thing to anyone else who asked. 

Really I just wish I had a more substantial reason other than " I don't want to - you're a royal pain in the bacon-fed knave".

I guess I need a nice way of saying that :P


Why are you thinking of her in the way you refer in the second paragraph?

She's been reimbursing you for gas money after all, and you've mentioned that she's overall a "good passenger".  Naturally this doesn't give you any sort of obligation to keep driving her.  But I once had a carpooling arrangement, I generously reimbursed the driver for gas/vehicle depreciation - and I'd have been mortified if she'd silently been thinking of me that way.

Overall you do need to get out of this ASAP before your resentment becomes more obvious.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: LifeOnPluto on September 23, 2012, 10:16:59 PM
Definitely stop driving her. You've gone above and beyond the call of duty, in doing this for several years(!)

I'd simply tell her that the carpooling is "getting a bit much" for you, and you're planning on trying some new activities after work. (If she's rude enough to ask what these "activities" are, tell her that they're leisure activities).

If she really presses you for a reason, or tries to negotiate a compromise (Eg "But what if we scale back to Mondays and Wednesdays only?") stand your ground. You may need to be blunter with her. You could even say "To be honest, I didn't anticipate this situation to go on for so long."
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Fleur on September 24, 2012, 04:32:04 AM
I am the first to admit this is of my own making - and that I shouldn't need to explain or have a reason why I can no longer drive her.  I would say the same thing to anyone else who asked. 

Really I just wish I had a more substantial reason other than " I don't want to - you're a royal pain in the bacon-fed knave".

I guess I need a nice way of saying that :P


Why are you thinking of her in the way you refer in the second paragraph?

She's been reimbursing you for gas money after all, and you've mentioned that she's overall a "good passenger".  Naturally this doesn't give you any sort of obligation to keep driving her.  But I once had a carpooling arrangement, I generously reimbursed the driver for gas/vehicle depreciation - and I'd have been mortified if she'd silently been thinking of me that way.

Overall you do need to get out of this ASAP before your resentment becomes more obvious.

I think this post seems a bit blamey to the OP. This woman sounds passive agressive. I actually think she had a bit of a nerve asking such a favour in the first place. I have been carpooled before, but I always was offered, never asked. And it was always for a shorter time, and I gave a gift as well as gas money. The OP has been more than generous, and the woman ought to have made other arrangements ages ago. To to otherwise, as she has done, actually does make her a special snowflake and a pain in the you know where.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Margo on September 24, 2012, 05:10:47 AM
I don't think that either OP or the other woman are at fault here.
OP, you have no obligation to continue to drive her, and you don't have to give a reason - just 'It's notgoing to be possible in future' - if she presses, then simply reiterating that you have other committments / need greater flexibility is fine, or simply saying "Some of the circumstances have changes, so it just doesn't work for me any more' is nice and vague but doesn't blame her.

Given that it is a long standing arragnmetn, I am with those who suggest giving her a reasonable period of notice - maybe 2-3 weeks. Then be firm.

If it were me, I might  actually do arrange something for the first day (i.e. arrange to meet a friend for coffee after work, book an appointment with the hairdresser or even just plan to go to the supermarket on the way home, so that if you do get asked if you can help out 'just this once' you can stiffen your spine and explain that no, you have a prior committment which you can't cahnge (and no, it won't work if she offers to wait for you. You're going in a different direction / meeti g a 3rd party) I syuggest this not because I think you 'ought' to have a reason, but because it sounds as though it is difficult for you to say 'no', and you may find it easier to stick to if you have in your own mind a clear reason!
I don't think the other woman is a SS (based on what OP has said) - she has been a good passenger, she has perhaps been rather obtuse in relation to the changed hours etc but that may be that she is genuinely trying to be accommodating, not that she is deliberately ignoring hints.

And if any co-workers stick their noses in then I think the suggestion of PPs to turn it around and suggest that they offer is perfect.

Good Luck!
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: TootsNYC on September 24, 2012, 06:35:49 AM
Here's another phrase you could try:  "I need a change." "I need a break."

Since she has already been willing to lose an HOUR out of her life in order to cadge a ride home with you, telling her it's all about "your plans" isn't really going to get you what you want.

Just say, "I've decided that I don't want to be your commuting solution anymore. I want my commute to myself from now on. I'll give you a week to find some other way to get to and from work."
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Morticia on September 24, 2012, 09:23:55 AM
Not overstepping at all - back story - she asked me shortly after I started and was always hinting around that she might buy another car....or stop working altogether etc....To be honest I really don't like driving her even thought she is a nice lady and a good passenger.  It's just EVERY STINKIN Day....having to make small talk when I'd rather listen to the radio and an extra 15 minutes added on to my day.  I even tried changing my work hours only to have her say she would change hers to match mine.  I told her I was considering a compressed schedule where I work extra long hours in order to get a day off ( only permanent staff are allowed this not contractors like her ) and she said she would wait around for the extra hour per day.

Good grief.  I know I should just say I can't do it anymore but it would boil down to me having to admit I just don't want to....and she would be very hurt. 

As far as the other coworker....I don't think it was formulate das a complaint but more of a "Can you drive me whenh I need it - faux pas says I need to have other rides available.  At least I hope that's how it was.  I'd be choked if it was a complaint.

Thanks for the comments so far everyone :)

She has been telling you for years that this is temporary, and she is going to get a car or retire? You are fine just to say, " This was supposed to be temporary, you need to make other arrangements." As for the small talk, you are under no obligation to provide that either. "I don't feel like talking this morning/evening. I just want to listen to the radio."
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Brockwest on September 24, 2012, 11:36:41 AM
"I don't have a car" people have been a challenge for years. Usually one finally ends up having had enough and having to say no, with unhappy reprocussions. It has to be done.
I would advise saying, "After two weeks from now, I'll be having some a personal situation, and will no longer be able to drive you."  I would not discuss what the situation is, I agree with posters that the less information you give, the less able she is to be able to counter-act the new arrangement.
I'm a tad worried about the co-worker.  Is it possible the rider complained to the co-worker, or was the impending situation discussed with the co-worker by the OP?  I LOVE the suggestion to tell the co-worker, "Oh I understand, I'll tell her to expect for you to drive her now." 
It's funny how people don't hesitate to offer someone else's services.

BLECH!  On a side note, I got mooched into giving a friend a ride to the Coast, about a six-hour ride.  I was new to the South so had no idea why he was carring an empty Dixie Cup.  I found out why.  For six hours, he chewed tobacco then spit the most vile, drooly spittal into the cup, which was rather full when we arrived.  I was sort of green when we arrived.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: bopper on September 24, 2012, 12:57:07 PM
Quote
"Hi friend. Effective [date of schedule change] my work hours will be changing. I'm also going to start a new activity outside of work, so ]'m afraid I'll be unable to provide you with rides from that point on. I wanted to give you as much notice as possible so that you can make arrangements."

I agree with this. To keep interoffice relationships as good as can be expected, this would be the nicest way to do that.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Corvid on September 24, 2012, 06:42:47 PM
Quote
Since then I had another coworker inform me that I had agreed to drive her and I should be making myself available. 

Did you crack up laughing or did you manage to listen to that with a straight face?
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: gen xer on September 24, 2012, 08:02:29 PM
"I don't have a car" people have been a challenge for years. Usually one finally ends up having had enough and having to say no, with unhappy reprocussions. It has to be done.
I would advise saying, "After two weeks from now, I'll be having some a personal situation, and will no longer be able to drive you."  I would not discuss what the situation is, I agree with posters that the less information you give, the less able she is to be able to counter-act the new arrangement.
I'm a tad worried about the co-worker.  Is it possible the rider complained to the co-worker, or was the impending situation discussed with the co-worker by the OP?  I LOVE the suggestion to tell the co-worker, "Oh I understand, I'll tell her to expect for you to drive her now." 
It's funny how people don't hesitate to offer someone else's services.

Our office is what you would call "enmeshed" and everyone knows everyone's business.  I mentioned that my rider often comments on the inconvenience of it....but it is often in front of others which lead them to chime in with some variation of "Oh Gen X doesn't mind I'm sure"

I don't mind giving someone the occasional ride home and I don't ask for or accept any gas money.  After all it could be me who has a car in the shop someday and needs a ride. 

I think the resentment really started to build when I realized she had absolutely no intention of ever buying another car or retiring despite what she would say...and that she KNOWS she is imposing....but does it anyway.  For a while I thought I could do it....and then it just gradually became too much.

 



BLECH!  On a side note, I got mooched into giving a friend a ride to the Coast, about a six-hour ride.  I was new to the South so had no idea why he was carring an empty Dixie Cup.  I found out why.  For six hours, he chewed tobacco then spit the most vile, drooly spittal into the cup, which was rather full when we arrived.  I was sort of green when we arrived.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: gen xer on September 24, 2012, 08:11:00 PM
Quote
Since then I had another coworker inform me that I had agreed to drive her and I should be making myself available. 

Did you crack up laughing or did you manage to listen to that with a straight face?

After I choked on my coffee and gawped at her?  I got my fur up and told her that if she chose to go without a car then she would be at my mercy...so to speak.  It was probably a little harsh.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: kareng57 on September 24, 2012, 08:57:03 PM
I am the first to admit this is of my own making - and that I shouldn't need to explain or have a reason why I can no longer drive her.  I would say the same thing to anyone else who asked. 

Really I just wish I had a more substantial reason other than " I don't want to - you're a royal pain in the bacon-fed knave".

I guess I need a nice way of saying that :P


Why are you thinking of her in the way you refer in the second paragraph?

She's been reimbursing you for gas money after all, and you've mentioned that she's overall a "good passenger".  Naturally this doesn't give you any sort of obligation to keep driving her.  But I once had a carpooling arrangement, I generously reimbursed the driver for gas/vehicle depreciation - and I'd have been mortified if she'd silently been thinking of me that way.

Overall you do need to get out of this ASAP before your resentment becomes more obvious.

I think this post seems a bit blamey to the OP. This woman sounds passive agressive. I actually think she had a bit of a nerve asking such a favour in the first place. I have been carpooled before, but I always was offered, never asked. And it was always for a shorter time, and I gave a gift as well as gas money. The OP has been more than generous, and the woman ought to have made other arrangements ages ago. To to otherwise, as she has done, actually does make her a special snowflake and a pain in the you know where.


OP has already acknowledged that most of the blame lies with her, for allowing the situation to continue.  My issue was her calling this woman names (here, I realize it's not to her face) when it's likely that she has no idea that she's done anything to offend OP.

I don't think that it's necessarily rude to ask about a carpooling situation.  Some time ago I realized that a co-worker lived fairly near me, and I said to her "let me know if you're ever interested in having a paying passenger".  (I'd have driven the short distance to her place, not expected her to pick me up).  She said no, it wouldn't work for her, and that was fine.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: LifeOnPluto on September 24, 2012, 10:10:59 PM
OP, just wanted to add, that if your co-worker DOES get upset or annoyed at you for cancelling the carpooling arrangements, don't feel bad. You're not doing anything wrong or mean or unfriendly, no matter what her and any other co-workers say.

From your updates, I also tend to believe that your co-worker knew (to some degree) that she was imposing on you, but kept taking advantage of your accommodating nature anyway.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: still in va on September 24, 2012, 10:20:37 PM
I am the first to admit this is of my own making - and that I shouldn't need to explain or have a reason why I can no longer drive her.  I would say the same thing to anyone else who asked. 

Really I just wish I had a more substantial reason other than " I don't want to - you're a royal pain in the bacon-fed knave".

I guess I need a nice way of saying that :P


Why are you thinking of her in the way you refer in the second paragraph?

She's been reimbursing you for gas money after all, and you've mentioned that she's overall a "good passenger".  Naturally this doesn't give you any sort of obligation to keep driving her.  But I once had a carpooling arrangement, I generously reimbursed the driver for gas/vehicle depreciation - and I'd have been mortified if she'd silently been thinking of me that way.

Overall you do need to get out of this ASAP before your resentment becomes more obvious.

I think this post seems a bit blamey to the OP. This woman sounds passive agressive. I actually think she had a bit of a nerve asking such a favour in the first place. I have been carpooled before, but I always was offered, never asked. And it was always for a shorter time, and I gave a gift as well as gas money. The OP has been more than generous, and the woman ought to have made other arrangements ages ago. To to otherwise, as she has done, actually does make her a special snowflake and a pain in the you know where.


OP has already acknowledged that most of the blame lies with her, for allowing the situation to continue.  My issue was her calling this woman names (here, I realize it's not to her face) when it's likely that she has no idea that she's done anything to offend OP.

I don't think that it's necessarily rude to ask about a carpooling situation.  Some time ago I realized that a co-worker lived fairly near me, and I said to her "let me know if you're ever interested in having a paying passenger".  (I'd have driven the short distance to her place, not expected her to pick me up).  She said no, it wouldn't work for her, and that was fine.

yes, i can understand what you're saying.  the OP took her co-worker at her word that her carpooling request would actually be temporary, as the co-worker originally stated.  then the co-worker has continued to state that she knows it's not convenient for the OP to continue to drive her to and from work. 

frankly, in my world, temporary isn't 3 years.  the OP didn't say anything because she thought that her co-worker wouldn't get a new contract, and she'd be done with her chauffeur duties.  that is not, unfortunately, the case.  now the co-worker has a new contract, and apparently assumes that our OP will continue to offer door to door chauffeur service.  when does it stop?  when this lady retires? 
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Fleur on September 25, 2012, 08:38:02 AM
I am the first to admit this is of my own making - and that I shouldn't need to explain or have a reason why I can no longer drive her.  I would say the same thing to anyone else who asked. 

Really I just wish I had a more substantial reason other than " I don't want to - you're a royal pain in the bacon-fed knave".

I guess I need a nice way of saying that :P


Why are you thinking of her in the way you refer in the second paragraph?

She's been reimbursing you for gas money after all, and you've mentioned that she's overall a "good passenger".  Naturally this doesn't give you any sort of obligation to keep driving her.  But I once had a carpooling arrangement, I generously reimbursed the driver for gas/vehicle depreciation - and I'd have been mortified if she'd silently been thinking of me that way.

Overall you do need to get out of this ASAP before your resentment becomes more obvious.

I think this post seems a bit blamey to the OP. This woman sounds passive agressive. I actually think she had a bit of a nerve asking such a favour in the first place. I have been carpooled before, but I always was offered, never asked. And it was always for a shorter time, and I gave a gift as well as gas money. The OP has been more than generous, and the woman ought to have made other arrangements ages ago. To to otherwise, as she has done, actually does make her a special snowflake and a pain in the you know where.


OP has already acknowledged that most of the blame lies with her, for allowing the situation to continue.  My issue was her calling this woman names (here, I realize it's not to her face) when it's likely that she has no idea that she's done anything to offend OP.

I don't think that it's necessarily rude to ask about a carpooling situation.  Some time ago I realized that a co-worker lived fairly near me, and I said to her "let me know if you're ever interested in having a paying passenger".  (I'd have driven the short distance to her place, not expected her to pick me up).  She said no, it wouldn't work for her, and that was fine.

yes, i can understand what you're saying.  the OP took her co-worker at her word that her carpooling request would actually be temporary, as the co-worker originally stated.  then the co-worker has continued to state that she knows it's not convenient for the OP to continue to drive her to and from work. 

frankly, in my world, temporary isn't 3 years.  the OP didn't say anything because she thought that her co-worker wouldn't get a new contract, and she'd be done with her chauffeur duties.  that is not, unfortunately, the case.  now the co-worker has a new contract, and apparently assumes that our OP will continue to offer door to door chauffeur service.  when does it stop?  when this lady retires?

The bolded is precisely my point. I really find this woman exceptionally rude, actually, and I disagree with the OP that it is any way the OP's fault. It really sounds as if the woman is taking advantage of OP's good nature in not confronting her. Three years certainly is not temporary, and the arrangement should have been assumed to come to an end a long while ago.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: bopper on September 25, 2012, 02:19:14 PM
Quote
Since then I had another coworker inform me that I had agreed to drive her and I should be making myself available. 

Did you crack up laughing or did you manage to listen to that with a straight face?

After I choked on my coffee and gawped at her?  I got my fur up and told her that if she chose to go without a car then she would be at my mercy...so to speak.  It was probably a little harsh.

If the coworker says anything further say "Awesome! I will tell RiderCoworker that you are interested in helping her with her transportation."

or you could tell RiderCoworker that the other coworker is  very interested in making sure she maintains a ride to work so she should contact other coworker.   ;D
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: still in va on September 25, 2012, 02:27:19 PM
Quote
Since then I had another coworker inform me that I had agreed to drive her and I should be making myself available. 

Did you crack up laughing or did you manage to listen to that with a straight face?

After I choked on my coffee and gawped at her?  I got my fur up and told her that if she chose to go without a car then she would be at my mercy...so to speak.  It was probably a little harsh.

If the coworker says anything further say "Awesome! I will tell RiderCoworker that you are interested in helping her with her transportation."

or you could tell RiderCoworker that the other coworker is  very interested in making sure she maintains a ride to work so she should contact other coworker.   ;D

bopper, you're evil!  i LIKE that in a person!!!!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: gen xer on September 25, 2012, 02:58:10 PM
 I am not offended by this lady as Kareng has suggested....but I do find this an example of putting someone on the spot...which as far as I'm concerned is an etiquette sin.  It makes people feel the burden of saying yes when they would rather say no.

Let's face it...saying no is hard for many people to do.  It is for me.  I know that is my problem...and I have to learn to say it without feeling guilty about it but I feel that there are many people out there who deliberately take advantage of that.

My issue is that people should think about what they are asking someone to do.  We all have to ask for favours now and again...myself included...but I would never impose on someone like this....and then to acknowledge that it is inconvenient but continue to do so with no intention of stopping!

Update....I have decided I will take up going to the gym after work.  It is free...it is good for me....and it will force her to find other alternatives.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Donovan on September 25, 2012, 03:06:04 PM
I think you should just tell her you can no longer be her ride.  No reasons why (gym, classes, errands) because that opens you up to her asking if you aren't going to the (gym, classes, errands) that night can you give her a ride.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Roe on September 25, 2012, 03:31:32 PM
She may decide to join the gym too.  After all, it's free, good for her and her ride is there too.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: TootsNYC on September 25, 2012, 03:44:03 PM
and hey, she'll just wait around for an hour. That's what she did before.

If she does, then just say, "You know, I want a break. I'm tired of being your ride. Sorry."

And walk away. Use your indignation to your advantage--because you ARE right--she IS imposing and she DOES know it.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: gramma dishes on September 25, 2012, 03:46:13 PM
She may decide to join the gym too.  After all, it's free, good for her and her ride is there too.

LOL!  That was my own immediate thought!

OP, I think you may just be better off telling her that  you're sorry but you just simply absolutely, positively won't be able to continue to give her a ride after such-and-such a date.  (I think it's fair to give her two weeks to find another means of transportation.)

Then make sure that at least for a few days, you have other pressing things to do which you cannot do with another person.  Doctor appointment (GYN) for that yearly checkup?  Hot date? A talk with your banker/lawyer/clergy person?  Visiting a friend in a hospital? 

Don't tell her any of this.  (She'll just claim she doesn't mind waiting in the waiting room of the doctor's office, etc.)  It's none of her business.  But at least you'll feel less guilty if you really DO have somewhere else to go or someone else to see.  Have definite, specific plans in your head even if they're just "I'm going home and sit in a warm bubble bath for two hours."
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Kaypeep on September 25, 2012, 03:50:10 PM
You are totally fine with asking her to stop.  What started out as a favor has turned into an obligation, that's the bottom line.  As you said, when she first asked she mentioned getting her own car or changing her work schedule, so there was an implicit agreement that the favor would be temporary.  That has obviously changed and you don't wish to be obligated any further.   It's wonderful that she has paid for gas and been prompt, that has probably what has led to this favor continuing for far longer than originally intended.  She's a great carpool buddy so she should have no problem finding another person to carpool with then. But you just simply don't wish to carpool anymore and want the freedom of being a solo commuter again.  Good for you.

I worked with a woman like this.  She didn't drive and carpooled with 2 others on a regular basis. She was always on time, bought the driver breakfast, etc. and would alter her schedule to suit the driver. She thought she was the most considerate person and prided herself on being a great carpooler.  However, driver1 always confided in me how she dreaded the obligation, that she still lost at least 1/2 an hour a day going out of her way to go home (weird traffic pattern on the PM commute) but she didn't know how to say no.  So you are not alone, OP, in feeling as you do.  It's hard to turn people down when they aren't 'behaving badly".  It really is hard to stand up for yourself so I wish you luck in doing this and getting your commute back!
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: JenJay on September 25, 2012, 03:53:17 PM
I agree with those warning you not to tell her you're joining a gym. Just say "I will no longer be available to give you rides." and if she really pushes for a reason, "It's personal."
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: LazyDaisy on September 25, 2012, 04:36:12 PM
I agree that you don't owe her any explanation but I'm not entirely a fan of no information though -- we see all the time how people jump to their own conclusions to fill a void of information and it's usually wildly inaccurate. Even something as innocuous as "personal reasons"  turns quickly into workplace gossip and bad feelings all around. I love Kaypeep's wording because it's honest and can't really be argued with but doesn't insult the coworker. The only thing I would change is I would mix up the order a bit to make it a "sandwich" (compliment, bad news, compliment).

Coworker: But why can't we carpool anymore?
Gen Xer: "It's wonderful that you have paid for gas and been prompt, that is probably what has led to this favor continuing for far longer than I originally intended. I just simply don't wish to carpool with anyone anymore and want the freedom of being a solo commuter again. You've been a considerate carpool buddy so you should have no problem finding another person to carpool with."
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: TootsNYC on September 25, 2012, 04:42:40 PM
Just keep saying, "I need my commute back." "I need my commute back."
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: LeveeWoman on September 25, 2012, 04:55:13 PM
Don't JADE.

Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain

Doing any of those things gives her a chance to find reasons why it'd be possible for her to continue rely on you for rides.

"No" is a complete sentence. You can soften it as you wish but, please don't JADE.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Cleargleam on September 25, 2012, 04:58:40 PM
One factor in driving a carpool is the driver never gets to run late, or leave a few minutes early. I would just leave it at you needing some spontaneity in your schedule.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Amara on September 25, 2012, 06:57:47 PM
OP, if you want to do the gym after work go for it. But I strongly advise you not to use it as the excuse you give her for not giving her a ride home. Given what she has said about being willing to wait around for an hour if you change your work hours she will likely say, "Hey, I'll join you" or "Can you just drop me off before you go there?" By thinking up excuses, even if they are real, you are not saying no to her. You are just giving her a reason for her to argue with you--and win.

Really, the phrase "it's just not possible" is your only good option if you want this to end. That and nothing else.

Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: gen xer on September 25, 2012, 07:43:33 PM
OP, if you want to do the gym after work go for it. But I strongly advise you not to use it as the excuse you give her for not giving her a ride home. Given what she has said about being willing to wait around for an hour if you change your work hours she will likely say, "Hey, I'll join you" or "Can you just drop me off before you go there?" By thinking up excuses, even if they are real, you are not saying no to her. You are just giving her a reason for her to argue with you--and win.

Really, the phrase "it's just not possible" is your only good option if you want this to end. That and nothing else.

I am going to take that advice...especially since  several posters have said the same thing and it is a good point.  I am still going to go to the gym....but I will not make it my excuse.

I know I shouldn't have to make an excuse...but why do we always feel compelled to do it?  The JADE - ing as another poster mentioned.  I find I really have to force myself to not do it....to shut up and quit while I'm ahead.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: still in va on September 25, 2012, 07:55:17 PM
gen xer, i don't usually believe in JADEing either.  but i do have to wonder, in this case, if a small explanation might not help?  such as "CW, when i started driving you three years ago, it was supposed to be temporary, until you bought a new car.  it has since become permanent, and that's not working for me anymore.  in addition, as you have said yourself, it's inconvenient for me.  i am adding 2.5 hours per week to my own commute to accommodate you.  i can't do that anymore."

neither of these points are something that she can argue with.  they are facts.  and the inconvenience factor is one that she has brought up herself.  those points would also be helpful to give to the interferring person at your job who seems to think that since you've been giving a ride to this person for three years that you must continue until she no longer works there.

Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: doodlemor on September 25, 2012, 09:13:48 PM
gen xer, i don't usually believe in JADEing either.  but i do have to wonder, in this case, if a small explanation might not help?  such as "CW, when i started driving you three years ago, it was supposed to be temporary, until you bought a new car.  it has since become permanent, and that's not working for me anymore.  in addition, as you have said yourself, it's inconvenient for me.  i am adding 2.5 hours per week to my own commute to accommodate you.  i can't do that anymore."

neither of these points are something that she can argue with.  they are facts.  and the inconvenience factor is one that she has brought up herself.  those points would also be helpful to give to the interferring person at your job who seems to think that since you've been giving a ride to this person for three years that you must continue until she no longer works there.

Clever advice!  When you add up the time to a week it is a lot, and shows how inconvenienced you are.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: TootsNYC on September 25, 2012, 10:06:59 PM
also, feel free tos ay, "I just dont' want to anymore."

Soften the blow by sounding really regretful.

(someone here once told about a character--Phoebe?--on "Friends" or another show who would say, "Oh, gee, I wish I could, but I don't want to." in a regretful tone of voice. And she moved right on, so it took you a bit to realize what she'd said. But it was true, and hard to argue with!)
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: TheaterDiva1 on September 26, 2012, 11:34:41 AM
My guess is this woman brings up the inconvenience factor just to alleviate her guilt.  She expects OP to just say "Oh, it's no problem at all - don't worry about it" and all is well.  WRONG!

And OP, I must ask - what does she do when you're sick/on vacation/whatever?  Can she go back to exploring those options?
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: GraceSullivan on September 26, 2012, 08:39:30 PM
OP, I'd be curious if there's an update?
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Miss Unleaded on September 27, 2012, 03:08:26 AM
gen xer, i don't usually believe in JADEing either.  but i do have to wonder, in this case, if a small explanation might not help?  such as "CW, when i started driving you three years ago, it was supposed to be temporary, until you bought a new car.  it has since become permanent, and that's not working for me anymore.  in addition, as you have said yourself, it's inconvenient for me.  i am adding 2.5 hours per week to my own commute to accommodate you.  i can't do that anymore."

neither of these points are something that she can argue with.  they are facts.  and the inconvenience factor is one that she has brought up herself.  those points would also be helpful to give to the interferring person at your job who seems to think that since you've been giving a ride to this person for three years that you must continue until she no longer works there.

I would strongly advise doing this.  Don't make excuses, just be honest.  She can't negotiate or argue with it.

Good luck.  I know it's hard but you will feel so much better afterwards.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: AustenFan on September 27, 2012, 03:59:32 AM
(someone here once told about a character--Phoebe?--on "Friends" or another show who would say, "Oh, gee, I wish I could, but I don't want to." in a regretful tone of voice. And she moved right on, so it took you a bit to realize what she'd said. But it was true, and hard to argue with!)

Ha! That was Phoebe, when the guys asked her if she wanted to go to Ross' house and help put together Ikea style furniture.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Raintree on September 28, 2012, 01:53:57 AM
15 minutes is significant. Is that EACH way? In the morning, I'd rather have that 15 minutes of extra sleep, and I do NOT want to talk to anyone in the morning. In the evening, I just want to get home, get dinner, and put my feet up ASAP and I do not want to talk to anyone other than family (or others of my own choosing). Sounds massively inconvenient to me.

So true, how DOES she get to work when you are sick or on vacation? Is there no public transportation? Surely you are not the difference between her being able to get to work or not.

I have difficulty saying no too, especially once a pattern has been established. I'd be full of excuses. Lots of great suggestions here, but I like the idea of the sandwich technique. with a little white lie as the filling: "You're a great passenger, very considerate, but it won't be possible for me to carpool with you anymore. My situation has changed and I won't always be going straight home after work. I really don't want anyone relying on me for a ride. You are a great passenger though, so I am sure you'll be able to find other arrangements."

The only problem I foresee is if she asks to continue in the mornings only. In which case you can say it's no longer working for you; you are unable to leave early to collect her, your family needs you, etc etc etc.  But I agree, don't use the gym as your excuse or you'll find you have yourself a new "workout partner." (Wasn't there another thread a while back about someone who wanted to work out alone at the gym after work to unwind, and a coworker declared herself as a workout partner and followed her there every day?)
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Roe on September 28, 2012, 08:28:47 AM
Any updates, OP?

If not, just remember, it's not rude to say "this no longer works for me."  Practice it.  Say it again and again until it just rolls off your tongue.  Good luck!
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: gen xer on September 29, 2012, 12:43:24 PM
My guess is this woman brings up the inconvenience factor just to alleviate her guilt.  She expects OP to just say "Oh, it's no problem at all - don't worry about it" and all is well.  WRONG!

And OP, I must ask - what does she do when you're sick/on vacation/whatever?  Can she go back to exploring those options?

Yes!!!  That is EXACTLY how it goes down....and I do a slow burn because I am so angry with myself.  She always manages to beg a ride with someone else whenever vacation / sick has come up so I guess when I finally muster up the cojones to tell her she needs another alternative that is what she will have to do.

I find it funny that she will beg a ride off others on those occasions but under NO circumstance will she consider taking her van into work and leaving her retired husband without a vehicle for the day...even if it is just once in a while. 
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: kckgirl on September 29, 2012, 12:46:50 PM
I find it funny that she will beg a ride off others on those occasions but under NO circumstance will she consider taking her van into work and leaving her retired husband without a vehicle for the day...even if it is just once in a while.

OK, I thought she had no car. She has one that she doesn't want to use? Let her retired husband drive her to work!
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: LeveeWoman on September 29, 2012, 01:44:08 PM
I find it funny that she will beg a ride off others on those occasions but under NO circumstance will she consider taking her van into work and leaving her retired husband without a vehicle for the day...even if it is just once in a while.

OK, I thought she had no car. She has one that she doesn't want to use? Let her retired husband drive her to work!

DITTO!
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Amara on September 29, 2012, 04:59:55 PM
Excuse me; she has a car? How long has she had it? Man, that just makes this whole bad situation much worse. She's getting free rides from you while she lets her car sit at home? I'd say, given this new information, that  you should talk to her first thing Monday morning and tell her, using whatever words you want, that the ride sharing comes to an end today. No exceptions. You'll give her a lift home that day but after that? No. Just no.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: BarensMom on September 29, 2012, 05:29:10 PM
Excuse me; she has a car? How long has she had it? Man, that just makes this whole bad situation much worse. She's getting free rides from you while she lets her car sit at home? I'd say, given this new information, that  you should talk to her first thing Monday morning and tell her, using whatever words you want, that the ride sharing comes to an end today. No exceptions. You'll give her a lift home that day but after that? No. Just no.

Why wait until Monday?  Call her now and tell her it will no longer be possible.  It's not as though you're leaving her without a way to get to work.  Let her husband get his **** out of bed and drive her there.

I bet what was happening was that they were getting a break on their insurance for not factoring in her commute, as well as saving on wear/tear and gasoline.  What she was giving you probably didn't take all that into account on your end.

Wash your hands of this ASAP.  You'll feel much better for the spinal exercise.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Amara on September 29, 2012, 05:36:19 PM
Why wait until Monday?  Call her now and tell her it will no longer be possible.  It's not as though you're leaving her without a way to get to work.  Let her husband get his **** out of bed and drive her there.

I'm changing my mind to agree with BarensMom. Tell her today and let yourself fly free!


ETA: Or--Evil Amara, you are so bad!--stop by like usual on Monday morning, making sure all your doors are locked and your windows rolled up except for a crack on your window--and pull up to her and say, "CW, I am no longer going to drive you. Beginning this morning you must drive yourself in your car. Or have your husband drop you off. Whatever you prefer." Then drive off without waiting for a reply. (But do try to restrain your gleeful laughter until you get to the end of the block.)
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: buvezdevin on September 29, 2012, 06:09:21 PM
I can actually think of a lot of reasons why the ride-cadger and her husband might prefer to not have him drop her off and pick her up, or have him without a vehicle - and absolutely none of those possible reasons is the OP's problem or choice.

OP, I am hoping you will be telling your previous passenger ASAP that you are choosing to no longer carpool at all.

You really do not owe any explanation, and there is no need for you to suffer an undesired passenger who just *chooses* not to make use of her existing commute options other than imposing on others.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Winterlight on September 29, 2012, 08:25:46 PM
I find it funny that she will beg a ride off others on those occasions but under NO circumstance will she consider taking her van into work and leaving her retired husband without a vehicle for the day...even if it is just once in a while.

So, she doesn't want to buy a second car.

I weep for her. /sarcasm

Cut off her free ride. She had transportation, she just doesn't want to use it.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: LifeOnPluto on September 30, 2012, 01:15:52 AM
Upon reading the latest update, my thought was "What the heck?! She had a car all along."

OP, definitely cut her off. Now.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Raintree on September 30, 2012, 01:27:47 AM
I'm not so sure I'm ready to condemn the passenger just yet. She found a car-pooling arrangement which worked for her, because it meant her husband could have the van during the day, and she compensated the OP with gas money. Since the OP didn't state that the arrangement wasn't working for her, she could only assume it was win-win all around (OP gets help with gas money which she would have had to pay for alone, coworker gets ride to work without having to pull the van into action).

She did say, "Oh it must be inconvenient for you" thereby checking with the OP to see if she was SURE it was OK. The OP seemed not to mind at all. So she continued with the rides, assuming that all was well and the OP was happy not to have to shoulder the gas burden alone.

However, since the OP had secretly been looking forward to this woman's contract ending, and that didn't happen, it's definitely time to put a stop to the rides (personally, I would loathe going 15 minutes out of my way every day, and I would loathe having to chat in the car too). But I'm not so ready to say the coworker has done anything wrong, since she didn't know the OP's feelings on the matter.

How she reacts to being told her rides are ending will be the true test of her character.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Ceallach on September 30, 2012, 01:47:37 AM
It's hard to blame somebody for finding an arrangement that's convenient and cost effective for them.   The lady hasn't really done anything rude, after all, she does have an arrangement with the OP.   She didn't force her into anything, and whatever her reasons are, they're not really relevant.

However, I'm with those who advocate terminating said arrangement ASAP.   The OP has been way too generous  in maintaining an arrangement that doesn't suit her for so long!   The original obligation and agreement was fulfilled a long time ago.  It's something I personally would never have agreed to in the first place, and can't imagine doing for 3 whole years.  The second it became an imposition I would have ended the arrangement.  There is no obligation to be a taxi service for your coworkers.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: still in va on September 30, 2012, 07:23:26 AM
i don't fault the CW for not stopping a situation that was advantageous to her.  gen xer kept her irritation to herself.

where i might fault the CW is to go to another co-worker to complain that gen xer planned to stop the arrangement.  unless the co-worker who told gen xer that she is now required to continue driving CW since she started it has a history of sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong, i have a feeling that CW didn't state the facts in a way that puts gen xer in a very good light.

CW's proper response should be to thank gen xer for three years of saving her money for insurance and wear and tear on a car she didn't have to buy, and for saving her husband the time he didn't have to spend driving his wife to and from work.  and to be proactive in immediately finding another way to and from work.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Sophia on September 30, 2012, 07:48:14 AM
Wait, I just read the recent update where you mentioned she had a van that she leaves home for her retired husband.  You might have mentioned that before, and it didn't filter in.

Cut her totally off! Yesterday!  She has transportation to work, she just refuses to use it. 
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: whatsanenigma on September 30, 2012, 05:35:27 PM
I am going to take that advice...especially since  several posters have said the same thing and it is a good point.  I am still going to go to the gym....but I will not make it my excuse.

I know I shouldn't have to make an excuse...but why do we always feel compelled to do it?  The JADE - ing as another poster mentioned.  I find I really have to force myself to not do it....to shut up and quit while I'm ahead.

I think the reason we feel compelled to make an excuse might be that we don't want to insult the other person.  If we just say we can't do the thing, they might fill in the blank with "because I hate you/you have really bad BO/I want you to lose your job/I'm sleeping with your husband/whatever".  If we have something non-personal to fill in the blank with, then they can't take it personally and get upset at you.  And it isn't because you really do wish ill will on her...you just want to free yourself from the obligation.  So it seems like a plausible excuse is necessary to say, to be polite, to make the other person not assume that it is because you are a jerk and hate them for no reason, or that they are the ones who are the jerk and that their self esteem suffers.

But, I think we need to learn to detach ourselves from feeling this obligation so strongly, and realize that if people read things into it that you didn't say or mean, they need to take ownership of that problem themselves, and as some other poster has said (probably more than one but I forget!) "They'll either get over it or die mad".

It all gets back to the basic point, I think, that being polite does not equal being a doormat.

And with your recent update? I still think you should give her a few days notice but as it seems she has a way to get to work and is just not using it, I wouldn't prolong it very much.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: whatsanenigma on September 30, 2012, 05:37:02 PM
However, since the OP had secretly been looking forward to this woman's contract ending, and that didn't happen, it's definitely time to put a stop to the rides (personally, I would loathe going 15 minutes out of my way every day, and I would loathe having to chat in the car too). But I'm not so ready to say the coworker has done anything wrong, since she didn't know the OP's feelings on the matter.

How she reacts to being told her rides are ending will be the true test of her character.

Yes.  I agree with this a lot.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Giggity on September 30, 2012, 09:21:57 PM
I know I shouldn't have to make an excuse...but why do we always feel compelled to do it?

I don't ever feel compelled to, so I got nothin. Sorry!
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: buvezdevin on September 30, 2012, 09:56:47 PM
I know I shouldn't have to make an excuse...but why do we always feel compelled to do it?

I don't ever feel compelled to, so I got nothin. Sorry!

I am with Hotdish on this point, but I want to acknowledge that, at least in my case, that is due to having felt compelled in my younger years to "be accommodating" and then eventually realizing that accommodation, appreciation etc need to be mutual to weave a social fabric. 

I have since become *more* appreciative of efforts from others on my behalf, and I will even *more* gladly extend myself for friends or particular needs. 

But, I am now fine with politely shutting down others who have expectations of me which would be an inconvenience to me, if the sole reason for inconveniencing me is that another person just doesn't care to pursue other options which would not inconvenience me.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Roe on October 01, 2012, 06:41:48 AM
I know I shouldn't have to make an excuse...but why do we always feel compelled to do it?

I don't ever feel compelled to, so I got nothin. Sorry!

I used to feel compelled to do it.  It took much practice (in the mirror) and much support from eHell to be able to just say "no."  Nothing else.  Now, it's quite easy.  And I don't hesitate to use it when needed.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: BarensMom on October 01, 2012, 09:29:11 AM
OP, update please? 
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: LazyDaisy on October 01, 2012, 11:19:24 AM
i don't fault the CW for not stopping a situation that was advantageous to her.  gen xer kept her irritation to herself.

where i might fault the CW is to go to another co-worker to complain that gen xer planned to stop the arrangement.  unless the co-worker who told gen xer that she is now required to continue driving CW since she started it has a history of sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong, i have a feeling that CW didn't state the facts in a way that puts gen xer in a very good light.

CW's proper response should be to thank gen xer for three years of saving her money for insurance and wear and tear on a car she didn't have to buy, and for saving her husband the time he didn't have to spend driving his wife to and from work.  and to be proactive in immediately finding another way to and from work.

There isn't any evidence that Carpooler said anything bad about gen xer. SuspiciousDaisy thinks nosy coworker is one of those people that Carpooler begs rides from on days gen xer hasn't been available; and since she doesn't want to do it either, but doesn't have a shiny spine to say no, she is insisting that gen xer "makes herself available" as a self-preservation move. As Evil Daisy once told a friend while camping -- "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you" (joking...sorta)
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: TootsNYC on October 01, 2012, 11:21:09 AM
you know, maybe the OP is the one who mentioned to her colleague that she wants to change the commuting status quo! Gen Xer didn't say.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: still in va on October 01, 2012, 11:35:22 AM
i don't fault the CW for not stopping a situation that was advantageous to her.  gen xer kept her irritation to herself.

where i might fault the CW is to go to another co-worker to complain that gen xer planned to stop the arrangement.  unless the co-worker who told gen xer that she is now required to continue driving CW since she started it has a history of sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong, i have a feeling that CW didn't state the facts in a way that puts gen xer in a very good light.

CW's proper response should be to thank gen xer for three years of saving her money for insurance and wear and tear on a car she didn't have to buy, and for saving her husband the time he didn't have to spend driving his wife to and from work.  and to be proactive in immediately finding another way to and from work.

There isn't any evidence that Carpooler said anything bad about gen xer. SuspiciousDaisy thinks nosy coworker is one of those people that Carpooler begs rides from on days gen xer hasn't been available; and since she doesn't want to do it either, but doesn't have a shiny spine to say no, she is insisting that gen xer "makes herself available" as a self-preservation move. As Evil Daisy once told a friend while camping -- "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you" (joking...sorta)

you know, that's a really interesting angle that hadn't occurred to me!  i can actually picture the conversation and thought process now that you've put it out there.  something along the lines of CW saying "gen xer has decided to no longer drive me to and from work", nosy co-worker hears that, thinks "holy crud monkees, she's gonna want ME to be her permanent ride now!", and goes to talk to gen xer.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: gen xer on October 02, 2012, 04:39:17 PM
OP, update please?

She's been off for a few days "between contracts" so I am working up my nerve.  Next week will be the "spine test" whether I choke or swallow that lump in my throat and give her the news.  I will of course give her 2 or even three weeks to find another ride.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Roe on October 02, 2012, 04:44:08 PM
OP, update please?

She's been off for a few days "between contracts" so I am working up my nerve.  Next week will be the "spine test" whether I choke or swallow that lump in my throat and give her the news.  I will of course give her 2 or even three weeks to find another ride.


She has another ride...her husband. For that reason, anything over a week's notice is overkill.  Good luck!  It's hard but you can do this!
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: BarensMom on October 02, 2012, 04:54:37 PM
OP, update please?

She's been off for a few days "between contracts" so I am working up my nerve.  Next week will be the "spine test" whether I choke or swallow that lump in my throat and give her the news.  I will of course give her 2 or even three weeks to find another ride.

You're too nice and this has gone on for too long.  Call her now and tell her.  Her husband is retired and, since she leaves the van for him, is obviously able to drive her to work, so let him.

I'll drag out this story once again.  Year ago, I had a coworker who rode with me - supposedly until she bought a car.  She paid me $20/month at first, but then the excuses started.  Then she wanted to run errands after work with me driving, including a full grocery-shop so "her boys could eat."  I started to get disgusted with her when she started saying things about how she was glad she didn't have a car because she didn't have to make payments, pay insurance, fill it up with gas, or pay for maintenance.  She said this to my face as I was hauling her deadbeat butt around Richmond.   I was trying to be "nice" and not make waves with a coworker, so I kept quiet. 

My final straw came, when after helping her with her post-work grocery shopping for 2-3 hours, I pulled up to her house.  In the driveway was her teenage-age son's late-model car that apparently he had all along.  I asked her "Why am I driving you, when Son has a car?"  Her response, "Well, I don't want to bother him."   I told her on the spot that I couldn't give her rides anymore.  She wasn't happy, but too bad.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: buvezdevin on October 02, 2012, 05:19:53 PM
Great example, BarensMom, I do understand one reason the OP might differentiate it from hers - you "quit" immediately on learning your ride-cadger had a readily available option other than you, but OP has known that her ride-cadger has a car/ride available for some time.

OP, it's obviously your choice on timing and how you address your situation.  You may want to think *now* about whether it would be easier *for you* to have the conversation with your rider this week, giving her a few days to plan for a ride other than you (she *has* one, just has chosen to not use it) - and then avoid, or limit the time you have to spend with her in a car, or having the discussion while sharing a ride.

While I would generally not advocate ending a "personal relationship" over the phone, that is not what you would be doing.  You would be advising a co-worker that you are not continuing a carpool, and you know she has other transportation available, just want to give her a few days notice before she starts her new contract so she knows you won't be driving her.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Amara on October 02, 2012, 07:30:19 PM
Doing it next week won't make it any easier than doing it this week, OP. In fact, it may be worse because you have more time to think about and dread it. This is a band-aid situation. Rip it off now; it will sting but it will be over fast. In other words, call her and tell her she needs to find her own way to work beginning tomorrow. You'll breathe a lot easier without all that dread hanging over your head.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: FauxFoodist on October 02, 2012, 07:45:05 PM
Doing it next week won't make it any easier than doing it this week, OP. In fact, it may be worse because you have more time to think about and dread it. This is a band-aid situation. Rip it off now; it will sting but it will be over fast. In other words, call her and tell her she needs to find her own way to work beginning tomorrow. You'll breathe a lot easier without all that dread hanging over your head.

Pod.  Giving her 2-3 weeks is going to make it harder for YOU to follow through because it'll give her time to work on you to change your mind or extend the time (she doesn't need 2-3 weeks to make other arrangements since her retired husband has a working vehicle; she and her husband need to figure out their transportation needs NOW -- the longer you give them, as you have found from giving her the PAST FEW YEARS, she will not find a solution if not forced to do so and another few weeks isn't going to make her move at all any faster).  If you're going to do it, contact her now and let her know she needs to make other arrangements.  It's the perfect time for both you and her to cut the cord because she is between contracts.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: still in va on October 02, 2012, 07:45:31 PM
OP, update please?

She's been off for a few days "between contracts" so I am working up my nerve.  Next week will be the "spine test" whether I choke or swallow that lump in my throat and give her the news.  I will of course give her 2 or even three weeks to find another ride.

it's Tuesday.  from the sound of your post, she's not coming back until Monday.  let her know now that effective immediately, you won't be driving her to work anymore, and she'll have to make her own way to work when she comes back.  she'll have the rest of the week and over the weekend to find and buy a car, or her husband can drive her. 

you are way overthinking this.  she already knows it's coming, you already let her know that.  stop dragging it out.

she doesn't need two or three weeks to find another ride.  she HAS a ride, and has had one all along.  there is a perfectly good vehicle sitting in her driveway for her to drive to work, or to have her husband use to drive her.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: doodlemor on October 02, 2012, 08:11:41 PM
The PP are all correct, Gen xer.  You might as well just call her and get it over with!  Put a script in front of you to help, if necessary. 

You will feel so incredibly wonderful when all of this is just *done.*
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: gramma dishes on October 02, 2012, 08:22:36 PM
Remember, you do not need to give her a reason.  Just tell her you won't be driving her anymore and she needs to make new arrangements.  That's all the information she needs. 
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: still in va on October 02, 2012, 08:32:49 PM
Remember, you do not need to give her a reason.  Just tell her you won't be driving her anymore and she needs to make new arrangements.  That's all the information she needs.

well, actually, since gen xer has already told the CW that she needs to find another way to work, the information CW needs right now is exactly when gen xer won't be pulling up in front of her house to take her to work in the morning.  this coming Monday sounds about right to me.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: gramma dishes on October 02, 2012, 08:40:11 PM
Remember, you do not need to give her a reason.  Just tell her you won't be driving her anymore and she needs to make new arrangements.  That's all the information she needs.

well, actually, since gen xer has already told the CW that she needs to find another way to work, the information CW needs right now is exactly when gen xer won't be pulling up in front of her house to take her to work in the morning.  this coming Monday sounds about right to me.

I think I agree!   :)
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: snowdragon on October 02, 2012, 08:43:15 PM
Remember, you do not need to give her a reason.  Just tell her you won't be driving her anymore and she needs to make new arrangements.  That's all the information she needs.

well, actually, since gen xer has already told the CW that she needs to find another way to work, the information CW needs right now is exactly when gen xer won't be pulling up in front of her house to take her to work in the morning.  this coming Monday sounds about right to me.

I think I agree!   :)

me too:)
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Ceallach on October 02, 2012, 08:49:33 PM
OP I think if you want to give her notice there's nothing wrong with that, it's your call.   However I would caution you to be careful about a vague 2-3 weeks or similar.   You need a specific, definite date upfront, otherwise you risk it dragging out.    So decide exactly what you are comfortable with and stick to it from the start. 
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: secretrebel on October 03, 2012, 10:58:59 AM
OP I think if you want to give her notice there's nothing wrong with that, it's your call.   However I would caution you to be careful about a vague 2-3 weeks or similar.   You need a specific, definite date upfront, otherwise you risk it dragging out.    So decide exactly what you are comfortable with and stick to it from the start.

I like the idea of a definite end date. How about 19 august or 26 August? Both are Fridays.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: NyaChan on October 03, 2012, 11:01:19 AM
OP I think if you want to give her notice there's nothing wrong with that, it's your call.   However I would caution you to be careful about a vague 2-3 weeks or similar.   You need a specific, definite date upfront, otherwise you risk it dragging out.    So decide exactly what you are comfortable with and stick to it from the start.

I like the idea of a definite end date. How about 19 august or 26 August? Both are Fridays.

huh?  ;) Had a definite moment where i was like oh good, i have plenty of time for- wait....No, that can't be right. lol can you tell I am the sort of person whose friends heave a sigh of relief when i show up for the right class at the right time in the right room?  I think my bff's blood pressure went down a bit when I purchased a daily planner for this year.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: LeveeWoman on October 03, 2012, 11:08:30 AM
Am I the only one who has this playing in her head?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDAttqJ3qcg
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: ncgal on October 03, 2012, 11:26:12 AM
My two cents and it is worth about what you are paying for it....


if she is off now between contracts, then contact her now and let her know that upon her return, you will no longer be able to assist her.   For contact means, I would contact her how ever you would contact her if you were going to be out sick one day...your normal means of contact. 

That way you are giving her notice now that she needs to find a ride and with her being out of the office, you hopefully will not hear comments for at least a day or two from your co-workers about giving her a ride.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: TheaterDiva1 on October 03, 2012, 11:49:56 AM
I like the idea of a definite end date. How about 19 august or 26 August? Both are Fridays.

I swear to deity, before I saw this, I had just posted on Twitter/Facebook about how October should be the 8th month since "octo-" means 8 and this should be August!!!

OP, can you call her this week?  Don't wait until you see her - give her a heads up now that you can't do it anymore, and she has until Monday to come up with another plan (like drive her own darn car!).
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Giggity on October 03, 2012, 02:19:55 PM
I will of course give her 2 or even three weeks to find another ride.

Why?
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: rain on October 03, 2012, 06:57:49 PM
My two cents and it is worth about what you are paying for it....


if she is off now between contracts, then contact her now and let her know that upon her return, you will no longer be able to assist her.   For contact means, I would contact her how ever you would contact her if you were going to be out sick one day...your normal means of contact. 

That way you are giving her notice now that she needs to find a ride and with her being out of the office, you hopefully will not hear comments for at least a day or two from your coworkers about giving her a ride.


ITA with everyone who said call her now (especially the idea about a script)'

Think if it this way - the original deal was until she got a car ( you decided to wait until the contract ran out).  SHE & HER DH HAVE A CAR AND THE CONTRACT DID RUN OUT.  - just because she has a new one does NOT obligate you to continue.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Ceallach on October 03, 2012, 09:01:02 PM
I will of course give her 2 or even three weeks to find another ride.

Why?

I'm not the OP, but my guess would be:

-because she wants to minimize the impact on the coworker
-because she has to continue working with this lady and wants to maintain as "nice" a relationship as possible
-to appear to external parties (fellow coworkers) to be fair and reasonable and minimize any workplace unpleasantness which while shouldn't happen in reality might, people being as nosy and rude as they are
-because after letting it drag on for so long she feels bad cutting off cold turkey (she feels bad enough cutting off at all, it's harder if you feel you haven't even warned the other person).

Of course, none of these things are necessary and the OP is not required to give the lady any notice, but I completely understand why she feels it's something she wants to do.    I don't think there's anything wrong with that if it makes her feel more comfortable with her decision. 
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: FauxFoodist on October 03, 2012, 09:19:28 PM
I will of course give her 2 or even three weeks to find another ride.

Why?

I'm not the OP, but my guess would be:

-because she wants to minimize the impact on the coworker
-because she has to continue working with this lady and wants to maintain as "nice" a relationship as possible
-to appear to external parties (fellow coworkers) to be fair and reasonable and minimize any workplace unpleasantness which while shouldn't happen in reality might, people being as nosy and rude as they are
-because after letting it drag on for so long she feels bad cutting off cold turkey (she feels bad enough cutting off at all, it's harder if you feel you haven't even warned the other person).

Of course, none of these things are necessary and the OP is not required to give the lady any notice, but I completely understand why she feels it's something she wants to do.    I don't think there's anything wrong with that if it makes her feel more comfortable with her decision.

I understand wanting to make this as painless a transition as possible, but I could also see other coworkers (like the one who feels the OP should keep doing this) feeling that if the OP were going to cease the carpooling, then she should've mentioned it prior to the start of the new contract (I could also see CW AND her DH feeling the same way).  Also, they could point out that mentioning it between contracts would be when CW could/would have time to make other arrangements, instead of trying to find the time to do so while working.

I really don't think, in the PoV of those who think OP should continue (buttinsky CW and moocher CW) that OP will come out looking good in this, no matter when she decides to cease the carpooling, so I think she might as well cease ASAP.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: kareng57 on October 03, 2012, 09:23:27 PM
I will of course give her 2 or even three weeks to find another ride.

Why?

I'm not the OP, but my guess would be:

-because she wants to minimize the impact on the coworker
-because she has to continue working with this lady and wants to maintain as "nice" a relationship as possible
-to appear to external parties (fellow coworkers) to be fair and reasonable and minimize any workplace unpleasantness which while shouldn't happen in reality might, people being as nosy and rude as they are
-because after letting it drag on for so long she feels bad cutting off cold turkey (she feels bad enough cutting off at all, it's harder if you feel you haven't even warned the other person).

Of course, none of these things are necessary and the OP is not required to give the lady any notice, but I completely understand why she feels it's something she wants to do.    I don't think there's anything wrong with that if it makes her feel more comfortable with her decision.


Fair enough, but I think the downside is that the more notice that OP gives - the more likely that Passenger will think that the ride situation will continue to extend indefinitely.

I think one week is fine - two, at the outside.  Three weeks could be just too much to expect that Passenger will take it seriously.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Ceallach on October 03, 2012, 10:28:49 PM
I will of course give her 2 or even three weeks to find another ride.

Why?

I'm not the OP, but my guess would be:

-because she wants to minimize the impact on the coworker
-because she has to continue working with this lady and wants to maintain as "nice" a relationship as possible
-to appear to external parties (fellow coworkers) to be fair and reasonable and minimize any workplace unpleasantness which while shouldn't happen in reality might, people being as nosy and rude as they are
-because after letting it drag on for so long she feels bad cutting off cold turkey (she feels bad enough cutting off at all, it's harder if you feel you haven't even warned the other person).

Of course, none of these things are necessary and the OP is not required to give the lady any notice, but I completely understand why she feels it's something she wants to do.    I don't think there's anything wrong with that if it makes her feel more comfortable with her decision.


Fair enough, but I think the downside is that the more notice that OP gives - the more likely that Passenger will think that the ride situation will continue to extend indefinitely.

I think one week is fine - two, at the outside.  Three weeks could be just too much to expect that Passenger will take it seriously.

Oh I do agree, which is why I think it's so crucial to be specific, definite and strict on it.   The longer it drags out the easier it is to get cold feet on these hard decisions. 
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Giggity on October 04, 2012, 07:07:50 AM
That's why I asked the *OP* why she plans to give more time. We can speculate all day, but it's sort of pointless.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: still in va on October 04, 2012, 08:03:11 AM
I will of course give her 2 or even three weeks to find another ride.

Why?

I'm not the OP, but my guess would be:

-because she wants to minimize the impact on the coworker
-because she has to continue working with this lady and wants to maintain as "nice" a relationship as possible
-to appear to external parties (fellow coworkers) to be fair and reasonable and minimize any workplace unpleasantness which while shouldn't happen in reality might, people being as nosy and rude as they are
-because after letting it drag on for so long she feels bad cutting off cold turkey (she feels bad enough cutting off at all, it's harder if you feel you haven't even warned the other person).

Of course, none of these things are necessary and the OP is not required to give the lady any notice, but I completely understand why she feels it's something she wants to do.    I don't think there's anything wrong with that if it makes her feel more comfortable with her decision.

this thread was started on September 23rd, and the CW had already been informed that the rides would stop.  that's nearly two weeks of notice that the CW would need to make other arrangements for transportation.  another two or three weeks before ceasing to give rides would lead the CW to believe that gen xer has changed her mind.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: bopper on October 04, 2012, 08:12:04 AM
I like the idea of a definite end date. How about 19 august or 26 August? Both are Fridays.

I swear to deity, before I saw this, I had just posted on Twitter/Facebook about how October should be the 8th month since "octo-" means 8 and this should be August!!!


OT:  October was the eighth month on the Roman calendar out of ten. When Pope Gregory XII ordered the change in the calendar in 1592 it retained its name in the Gregorian calendar even though it became the tenth month.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Roe on October 04, 2012, 10:40:08 AM
I will of course give her 2 or even three weeks to find another ride.

Why?

I'm not the OP, but my guess would be:

-because she wants to minimize the impact on the coworker
-because she has to continue working with this lady and wants to maintain as "nice" a relationship as possible
-to appear to external parties (fellow coworkers) to be fair and reasonable and minimize any workplace unpleasantness which while shouldn't happen in reality might, people being as nosy and rude as they are
-because after letting it drag on for so long she feels bad cutting off cold turkey (she feels bad enough cutting off at all, it's harder if you feel you haven't even warned the other person).

Of course, none of these things are necessary and the OP is not required to give the lady any notice, but I completely understand why she feels it's something she wants to do.    I don't think there's anything wrong with that if it makes her feel more comfortable with her decision.

this thread was started on September 23rd, and the CW had already been informed that the rides would stop.  that's nearly two weeks of notice that the CW would need to make other arrangements for transportation.  another two or three weeks before ceasing to give rides would lead the CW to believe that gen xer has changed her mind.

Yeah, it's been a few weeks already. Something tells me the OP will be driving Miss Daisy yet again on Monday. 

I can appreciate how difficult it is to say 'no' but I hope the OP practices it and uses it soon.  I can't wait to read an update of "no more rides." *crossing fingers for the OP*  :)

Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Seraphine1 on October 07, 2012, 02:27:52 PM
Hi Gen Xer!

I saw you were on the board so I was hoping you'd have an update.  I hope your situation has improved and you aren't having to play taxi driver anymore.

Did you speak with her?

Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: gen xer on October 07, 2012, 02:46:45 PM
Hi Seraphine....

Tuesday ( Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend ) the bomb will be dropped.  I will of course give an update on how it all goes down.

I am dreading it and hope i stand firm  :-X
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: LeveeWoman on October 07, 2012, 02:59:06 PM
Hi Seraphine....

Tuesday ( Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend ) the bomb will be dropped.  I will of course give an update on how it all goes down.

I am dreading it and hope i stand firm  :-X

Just don't forget you have us behind you, gen xer.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: rain on October 07, 2012, 04:33:46 PM
(((hugs)))

if you need to write a list/script to help you - go for it (is there someone you can role play with?)
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Seraphine1 on October 07, 2012, 04:51:19 PM
Hi Seraphine....

Tuesday ( Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend ) the bomb will be dropped.  I will of course give an update on how it all goes down.

I am dreading it and hope i stand firm  :-X

Good luck!  I know it's hard... I've spent several decades reliving situations like this in my mind, wondering how I could have better extricated myself from difficult situations.  I wish I'd had EHell back in 1995!  We're all with you... just remember you've done nothing wrong, and telling her you're going to stop driving her is not a terrible thing. 

Just envision us all standing behind you!
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: bojo on October 07, 2012, 07:34:26 PM
I did a little math. An extra 2.5 hrs per week, times three years is 390 hours or 16.35 DAYS you've given up of your life to do this temporary favor for CW.   It's enough already.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Amara on October 09, 2012, 04:25:48 PM
I'm not sure what time zone you are in, OP, but I am wondering if there is any update. How did you do for yourself?
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: PastryGoddess on October 09, 2012, 07:11:48 PM
You can do it!
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: snowdragon on October 10, 2012, 06:03:09 PM
How'd it go?
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Ceallach on October 10, 2012, 11:14:33 PM
Oh my goodness, this must be the 10th time this came up in my unread replies and I've thought "Oh there must be an update!" and it was just somebody else posting that there hasn't been an update or that they'd like an update or something along those lines!   So now I am going to be that person for somebody else.

Note to self:  Wait a week before clicking on this thread again!    :D
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: kareng57 on October 10, 2012, 11:20:13 PM
Oh my goodness, this must be the 10th time this came up in my unread replies and I've thought "Oh there must be an update!" and it was just somebody else posting that there hasn't been an update or that they'd like an update or something along those lines!   So now I am going to be that person for somebody else.

Note to self:  Wait a week before clicking on this thread again!    :D


I kind of agree.  I don't subscribe to the email-alerts therefore "bumping for updates"  but I'll admit that I find it kind of annoying when there seems to be new input in a thread (presumably by the OP) and then it only consists of multiple posts of "anything new?"

Of course I am not a moderator, no one cares about what I think.  But it would be nice if there was some way of seeing immediately whether the update was from the OP or from a follower.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: katiescarlett on October 11, 2012, 09:02:34 AM
Oh my goodness, this must be the 10th time this came up in my unread replies and I've thought "Oh there must be an update!" and it was just somebody else posting that there hasn't been an update or that they'd like an update or something along those lines!   So now I am going to be that person for somebody else.

Note to self:  Wait a week before clicking on this thread again!    :D


I kind of agree.  I don't subscribe to the email-alerts therefore "bumping for updates"  but I'll admit that I find it kind of annoying when there seems to be new input in a thread (presumably by the OP) and then it only consists of multiple posts of "anything new?"

Of course I am not a moderator, no one cares about what I think.  But it would be nice if there was some way of seeing immediately whether the update was from the OP or from a follower.

Sorry.  That was me that bumped the thread.  :(
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: bloo on October 11, 2012, 10:21:22 AM
I'm not so sure I'm ready to condemn the passenger just yet. She found a car-pooling arrangement which worked for her, because it meant her husband could have the van during the day, and she compensated the OP with gas money. Since the OP didn't state that the arrangement wasn't working for her, she could only assume it was win-win all around (OP gets help with gas money which she would have had to pay for alone, coworker gets ride to work without having to pull the van into action).

She did say, "Oh it must be inconvenient for you" thereby checking with the OP to see if she was SURE it was OK. The OP seemed not to mind at all. So she continued with the rides, assuming that all was well and the OP was happy not to have to shoulder the gas burden alone.

However, since the OP had secretly been looking forward to this woman's contract ending, and that didn't happen, it's definitely time to put a stop to the rides (personally, I would loathe going 15 minutes out of my way every day, and I would loathe having to chat in the car too). But I'm not so ready to say the coworker has done anything wrong, since she didn't know the OP's feelings on the matter.

How she reacts to being told her rides are ending will be the true test of her character.

I'm with this. I've read countless threads on this forum where posters say, "People can ask for whatever they want. You can say 'no'. They should accept your 'no' gracefully."

I don't think the OP's co-worker is being rude. How can she possibly know that this is an imposition if Gen Xr doesn't tell her? People are different. Maybe if the situation was reversed this wouldn't bother Gen Xr's rider at all to do the same favor.

In a different situation we've got these friends, Jack and Jill, that had their in-laws, Hansel and Gretel, move in with their little kid, Cinderella. For a bit of background Jill and Gretel are sisters and Jack and Jill have no children of their own. It was supposed to be temporary but it ended up being a couple of years because Hansel felt strongly about buying a home and nothing they wanted in a certain location was available. They felt comfortable staying with Jack and Jill because 'family helps out'. Jack and Jill felt the same way, but only temporarily, not for YEARS.

Jack and Jill complained to anyone who would listen how much he hated Hansel, Gretel and Cinderella living with them. He started saying things about their personality, ethics, etc. People were starting to develop a dislike for Hansel by listening to Jack's gossip. When Jack and Jill got around to complaining about this situation to my DH, my DH told him, over and over, "talk to Hansel and Gretel. Complaining to other people is useless and will not resolve the situation. You're starting to hate your BIL and he's actually a nice guy. BEFORE they moved in you should have had an agreement in place about rent, utilities, household responsibilities and a timeline for leaving. But you can STILL discuss these things NOW."

Turns out Jack's major complaint was: "Shouldn't Hansel just KNOW that this is a huge imposition? And not ask? And put me on the spot? Because I'd never ask this of someone else."

Uh no, Hansel's family always helped each other out like this and assumed, when Jack and Jill didn't demur, that moving in with no outdate was fine. So it was up to Jack and Jill to communicate their comfort level of helping out, if indeed they were going to help.

The postscript on this story is not that Jack listened to DH and actually communicated, but that another of Jack's relatives, sick of the complaining, approached Hansel and told him that he needed to get out of there and get in their own place, even if it meant (gasp) 'renting'. Hansel and Gretel, along with little Cinderella peaceably moved out, to this day not completely aware of the hatred Jack was developing for them.

As a side note and irrelevant to this thread, Jack and Jill were pissed when they moved out and got their own place, too. So wethinks Jack and Jill just like to whine and moan.

But my point in bringing it up is: Like OP, Jack was under no obligation to say 'yes' to them moving in (no poverty issues) so neither was OP obligated to be the go-to chauffeur for this woman, he was under no obligation to do it for months or years once he agreed to and could've asked them to leave at any time for no reason whatsoever as could OP.

I think Gen Xr, is like a lot of people that think that other people think the way we do. And they don't. Because they're different. OP would never impose on someone like this, but other people actually do these favors and it doesn't bother them so we HAVE to tell people 'no, I can't/won't do that,' instead of doing it and becoming resentful. Having followed other threads where the OP developed a spine of titanium, I've no doubt Gen Xr will shore up her own and handle this quite well.

And I apologize in advance for frustrating anybody since I'm not the OP. Just wanted to add my two cents. :)
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: siamesecat2965 on October 11, 2012, 11:54:51 AM
I'm with this. I've read countless threads on this forum where posters say, "People can ask for whatever they want. You can say 'no'. They should accept your 'no' gracefully."

I don't think the OP's co-worker is being rude. How can she possibly know that this is an imposition if Gen Xr doesn't tell her? People are different. Maybe if the situation was reversed this wouldn't bother Gen Xr's rider at all to do the same favor.

 I think Gen Xr, is like a lot of people that think that other people think the way we do. And they don't. Because they're different. OP would never impose on someone like this, but other people actually do these favors and it doesn't bother them so we HAVE to tell people 'no, I can't/won't do that,' instead of doing it and becoming resentful. Having followed other threads where the OP developed a spine of titanium, I've no doubt Gen Xr will shore up her own and handle this quite well.

I agree.  I have friends who are quite generous, both with time, money and anything else any of their friends or family asks for.  However, this leads to them sometimes being taken advantage of, although they are pretty good about telling the offenders hey, this has to stop, and when.  They've had many friends, co-workers etc. stay wiht them for varying amounts of time, and only a couple of times have had to say hey, you need to go now.

Me, on the other hand, canno't even fathom, even if i Had the room, letting someone move in for an undefined period of time.  I get twitchy and want my space back after TWO nights of one visitor!
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: kareng57 on October 11, 2012, 12:06:04 PM
I'm not so sure I'm ready to condemn the passenger just yet. She found a car-pooling arrangement which worked for her, because it meant her husband could have the van during the day, and she compensated the OP with gas money. Since the OP didn't state that the arrangement wasn't working for her, she could only assume it was win-win all around (OP gets help with gas money which she would have had to pay for alone, coworker gets ride to work without having to pull the van into action).

She did say, "Oh it must be inconvenient for you" thereby checking with the OP to see if she was SURE it was OK. The OP seemed not to mind at all. So she continued with the rides, assuming that all was well and the OP was happy not to have to shoulder the gas burden alone.

However, since the OP had secretly been looking forward to this woman's contract ending, and that didn't happen, it's definitely time to put a stop to the rides (personally, I would loathe going 15 minutes out of my way every day, and I would loathe having to chat in the car too). But I'm not so ready to say the coworker has done anything wrong, since she didn't know the OP's feelings on the matter.

How she reacts to being told her rides are ending will be the true test of her character.

I'm with this. I've read countless threads on this forum where posters say, "People can ask for whatever they want. You can say 'no'. They should accept your 'no' gracefully."

I don't think the OP's co-worker is being rude. How can she possibly know that this is an imposition if Gen Xr doesn't tell her? People are different. Maybe if the situation was reversed this wouldn't bother Gen Xr's rider at all to do the same favor.

In a different situation we've got these friends, Jack and Jill, that had their in-laws, Hansel and Gretel, move in with their little kid, Cinderella. For a bit of background Jill and Gretel are sisters and Jack and Jill have no children of their own. It was supposed to be temporary but it ended up being a couple of years because Hansel felt strongly about buying a home and nothing they wanted in a certain location was available. They felt comfortable staying with Jack and Jill because 'family helps out'. Jack and Jill felt the same way, but only temporarily, not for YEARS.

Jack and Jill complained to anyone who would listen how much he hated Hansel, Gretel and Cinderella living with them. He started saying things about their personality, ethics, etc. People were starting to develop a dislike for Hansel by listening to Jack's gossip. When Jack and Jill got around to complaining about this situation to my DH, my DH told him, over and over, "talk to Hansel and Gretel. Complaining to other people is useless and will not resolve the situation. You're starting to hate your BIL and he's actually a nice guy. BEFORE they moved in you should have had an agreement in place about rent, utilities, household responsibilities and a timeline for leaving. But you can STILL discuss these things NOW."

Turns out Jack's major complaint was: "Shouldn't Hansel just KNOW that this is a huge imposition? And not ask? And put me on the spot? Because I'd never ask this of someone else."

Uh no, Hansel's family always helped each other out like this and assumed, when Jack and Jill didn't demur, that moving in with no outdate was fine. So it was up to Jack and Jill to communicate their comfort level of helping out, if indeed they were going to help.

The postscript on this story is not that Jack listened to DH and actually communicated, but that another of Jack's relatives, sick of the complaining, approached Hansel and told him that he needed to get out of there and get in their own place, even if it meant (gasp) 'renting'. Hansel and Gretel, along with little Cinderella peaceably moved out, to this day not completely aware of the hatred Jack was developing for them.

As a side note and irrelevant to this thread, Jack and Jill were pissed when they moved out and got their own place, too. So wethinks Jack and Jill just like to whine and moan.

But my point in bringing it up is: Like OP, Jack was under no obligation to say 'yes' to them moving in (no poverty issues) so neither was OP obligated to be the go-to chauffeur for this woman, he was under no obligation to do it for months or years once he agreed to and could've asked them to leave at any time for no reason whatsoever as could OP.

I think Gen Xr, is like a lot of people that think that other people think the way we do. And they don't. Because they're different. OP would never impose on someone like this, but other people actually do these favors and it doesn't bother them so we HAVE to tell people 'no, I can't/won't do that,' instead of doing it and becoming resentful. Having followed other threads where the OP developed a spine of titanium, I've no doubt Gen Xr will shore up her own and handle this quite well.

And I apologize in advance for frustrating anybody since I'm not the OP. Just wanted to add my two cents. :)



Sorry, I expressed myself badly.  I was referring to posts saying something like "bumping for updates" rather than other input.

And I agree with you 100% - it's not fair to complain about someone imposing when, as far as "imposer" is aware, the situation is working out just fine.  Hints (such as a change in working hours) don't always work.  Once the situation becomes inconvenient, the host/driver needs to come clean and say so.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: bloo on October 11, 2012, 12:14:59 PM
I'm with this. I've read countless threads on this forum where posters say, "People can ask for whatever they want. You can say 'no'. They should accept your 'no' gracefully."

I don't think the OP's co-worker is being rude. How can she possibly know that this is an imposition if Gen Xr doesn't tell her? People are different. Maybe if the situation was reversed this wouldn't bother Gen Xr's rider at all to do the same favor.

 I think Gen Xr, is like a lot of people that think that other people think the way we do. And they don't. Because they're different. OP would never impose on someone like this, but other people actually do these favors and it doesn't bother them so we HAVE to tell people 'no, I can't/won't do that,' instead of doing it and becoming resentful. Having followed other threads where the OP developed a spine of titanium, I've no doubt Gen Xr will shore up her own and handle this quite well.

I agree.  I have friends who are quite generous, both with time, money and anything else any of their friends or family asks for.  However, this leads to them sometimes being taken advantage of, although they are pretty good about telling the offenders hey, this has to stop, and when.  They've had many friends, co-workers etc. stay wiht them for varying amounts of time, and only a couple of times have had to say hey, you need to go now.

Me, on the other hand, canno't even fathom, even if i Had the room, letting someone move in for an undefined period of time.  I get twitchy and want my space back after TWO nights of one visitor!

I hear you! When one of my relatives made noises about moving in with me and my family, I said, "sure, my house rules are (naming copious amounts of intrusive, pain-in-the-butt, however perfectly reasonable rules) and I'd need a move-out time frame." That relative dropped the subject right there.

I like my space. I would NOT like someone moving in with me, but this was family and I genuinely meant the offer. But if the relative said 'yes' and accepted my house rules, then we'd get along very well for the duration of the stay.

On topic, I'da never said 'yes' to carpooling. I'd HATE being tied down like that for work. So glad I telecommute. In the store rarely and I set my own hours.

Gen Xr, I don't know if you're single, but if you're married a spouse might care about you coming home later or leaving earlier because of it. I only mention this because many years ago (when my spine was made of overcooked spaghetti) I tentatively agreed to babysit for a friend without even discussing it with my spouse. My DH was mad. He really felt I couldn't unilaterally make that decision since it affected our whole family. To this day I don't know why I didn't tell friend, "No, sorry, that won't be possible." I actually thought I HAD to consider it and do it because I was a SAHM and what else did I have to do besides look after kids? The thought, "no, I don't WANT to" crossed my mind, but I couldn't say it.

So I had to go back to my friend and tell her 'no'. She was annoyed but when the ground didn't open, the universe didn't split and the earth kept spinning on it's axis, I discovered then that I could say 'no' and things would be okay. People could be annoyed with me and things were still okay. It was a major turning point for me.   
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: bloo on October 11, 2012, 12:17:39 PM
Sorry, I expressed myself badly.  I was referring to posts saying something like "bumping for updates" rather than other input.

And I agree with you 100% - it's not fair to complain about someone imposing when, as far as "imposer" is aware, the situation is working out just fine.  Hints (such as a change in working hours) don't always work.  Once the situation becomes inconvenient, the host/driver needs to come clean and say so.

No worries! I thought some might even be frustrated by input other than the OP, which I can understand. Thanks, tho. Not badly worded at all. ;D
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: gen xer on October 14, 2012, 11:18:36 AM
Update!!!!   Cuz I know the suspense was killing everyone.....

I wimped out the first two days back to work.  I'll admit it.

But I finally grew a pair overnight and told her that I was unable to accomodate her anymore....that my schedule was becoming more and more unpredictable and having to be responsible for someone else was getting unmanageable.  I know I didn't need to explain...but after so long I felt she deserved something.

So.....I got some awkward silence....and then an "I don't know what I am going to do now.  Maybe I will just have to stop working".

That set my teeth on edge because it was a guilt trip....but she has the means as much as anyone else to buy a car.  She simply didn't want to have to do it.  I told her as much too....my response was a rather aloof "If you really want to keep working you can buy a car...everyone else does."

I have mixed feelings now....she is kind of chilly with me and i do not know how she is getting to and fro....but if the only reason she has ever been nice is because she had to be...then I should have ditched her loooooong ago.   

I was reading another posters comment about how we tend to think everyone should / does think like we do.  Since I would never ask that of someone then I can't fathom how someone else can not see it as an impostion.  It is very true...I was guilty of that.  And yet I still think there is some degree to which people should hold themselves to a "reasonable person" standard.  If she herself acknowledged that it was an inconvenience the she can't possibly come back with "I didn't realize it was such an imposition because you didn't tell me."

Do people have to be hit over the head?  If you ask something of someone THINK about what that means for them...especially a long term favour like this.  I fully acknowledget that I should have been the one to say something a long time ago rather than let my resentment fester like it has....but the very nature of it has "imposition" written all over it.  The extra driving, the time, the inability to make extra stops, constantly having to consider someone else....

Errr. 
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Perfect Circle on October 14, 2012, 11:23:17 AM
I'm glad you are not letting her guilt trip get to you. It's her responsibility to figure out a way to get to work. I'm also glad you told her.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Queen of Clubs on October 14, 2012, 11:24:47 AM
So.....I got some awkward silence....and then an "I don't know what I am going to do now.  Maybe I will just have to stop working".

That set my teeth on edge because it was a guilt trip....but she has the means as much as anyone else to buy a car.  She simply didn't want to have to do it.  I told her as much too....my response was a rather aloof "If you really want to keep working you can buy a car...everyone else does."


Yeah, that reads as manipulation to me.

But you're free!  It's done and over with.  If she wants rides to work, she can either buy a car, as you said, or look around for someone else to accommodate her.  If she comes back to you and tries to talk you into changing your mind, I suggest a, "I'm afraid that won't be possible."

Well done!  And enjoy that extra time and your quiet commute.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: RubyCat on October 14, 2012, 11:33:04 AM
But I finally grew a pair overnight and told her that I was unable to accomodate her anymore....that my schedule was becoming more and more unpredictable and having to be responsible for someone else was getting unmanageable.  I know I didn't need to explain...but after so long I felt she deserved something.

So.....I got some awkward silence....and then an "I don't know what I am going to do now.  Maybe I will just have to stop working".

That set my teeth on edge because it was a guilt trip....but she has the means as much as anyone else to buy a car.  She simply didn't want to have to do it.  I told her as much too....my response was a rather aloof "If you really want to keep working you can buy a car...everyone else does."

Wow.  Just wow.

I think your "excuse" was perfect.  You didn't give too much information and yet you were truthful.  I know no explanation was really necessary, but I would've felt the need to give one too.  But her reaction?  Wow.  You're response there was perfect too.  I still can't wrap my head around the way this woman thinks.  Instead of being grateful, she's being pissy.  Not cool.  I guess it's best that she's finally shown her true colors but very, very disappointing.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: AmethystAnne on October 14, 2012, 11:40:03 AM
You did well, Gen Xer!

She is bound to be ticked off at you. She got all the benefits of being your passenger: not having to pay for gas and the extra time taken to fill up the tank, car maintenance and the extra car insurance, less commute time, not having to buy another car.

When I look at that list, i see selfishness and laziness looking back.

BTDT, my passenger took an attitude the morning I called to let her know that I had the flu, and I would be calling in sick because of the flu.



Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: gen xer on October 14, 2012, 11:57:14 AM
You did well, Gen Xer!

She is bound to be ticked off at you. She got all the benefits of being your passenger: not having to pay for gas and the extra time taken to fill up the tank, car maintenance and the extra car insurance, less commute time, not having to buy another car.

When I look at that list, i see selfishness and laziness looking back.

BTDT, my passenger took an attitude the morning I called to let her know that I had the flu, and I would be calling in sick because of the flu.

Doesn't that just frost your cornflakes????  I had the flu a couple of years back and had to make the early morning call to my passenger...it was a sigh and an "I'll try to get another ride...sigh.  If not I guess I'll just stay home..."

You do that lady....

If you choose not to have your own vehicle the you have to live with the consequences!!!
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: LeveeWoman on October 14, 2012, 11:58:14 AM
How much do you wanna' bet her husband is bringing her?
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Corvid on October 14, 2012, 12:10:09 PM
She feared she might be imposing on you but it was such a comfortable and convenient imposition for her that she hoped giving you gas money made it enough of a mutual benefit that you'd continue to go along with it.  Now her comfort has been disturbed.  Either her husband has to get his butt out the door to take her to work, she has to buy a car, or she has to find another person who'll be as generous as you have been and that won't be easy.  Tsk!  Such a nuisance!

I noticed long ago it isn't uncommon that when you go above and beyond for someone every once in a great while, they're grateful.  If you go above and beyond for someone on a consistent basis they start to take it for granted, it somehow becomes your "job", and then when you can't or won't do it they've got gall enough to be annoyed.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: gen xer on October 14, 2012, 12:28:13 PM
How much do you wanna' bet her husband is bringing her?

Oh no.....she would hitchhike with Jack the Ripper before she asked her husband to lift a finger.  On the weekends she takes the bus uptown if she wants to go shopping just so her husband can have the car.

There have been a couple of times when she has been fretting about doing something or going somewhere and when I asked why she didn't just drive there - I know she can drive because she actually asks to borrow other people's cars on occasion - her response was always..."well hubby might want the car and I don't want to inconvenience him by asking him to drive me."

Oh yes....that flabbergasted me.
 :o
I'm not kidding - she will inconvenience others but it is absolutely unthinkable that she would ask anything of him.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: LeveeWoman on October 14, 2012, 12:33:45 PM
How much do you wanna' bet her husband is bringing her?

Oh no.....she would hitchhike with Jack the Ripper before she asked her husband to lift a finger.  On the weekends she takes the bus uptown if she wants to go shopping just so her husband can have the car.

There have been a couple of times when she has been fretting about doing something or going somewhere and when I asked why she didn't just drive there - I know she can drive because she actually asks to borrow other people's cars on occasion - her response was always..."well hubby might want the car and I don't want to inconvenience him by asking him to drive me."

Oh yes....that flabbergasted me.
 :o
I'm not kidding - she will inconvenience others but it is absolutely unthinkable that she would ask anything of him.

That's a really messed-up marriage.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: snowdragon on October 14, 2012, 01:47:00 PM
How much do you wanna' bet her husband is bringing her?

Oh no.....she would hitchhike with Jack the Ripper before she asked her husband to lift a finger.  On the weekends she takes the bus uptown if she wants to go shopping just so her husband can have the car.

There have been a couple of times when she has been fretting about doing something or going somewhere and when I asked why she didn't just drive there - I know she can drive because she actually asks to borrow other people's cars on occasion - her response was always..."well hubby might want the car and I don't want to inconvenience him by asking him to drive me."

Oh yes....that flabbergasted me.
 :o
I'm not kidding - she will inconvenience others but it is absolutely unthinkable that she would ask anything of him.

That's a really messed-up marriage.

seriously, I can not imagine spending my life with someone who considered my every want - no matter how small- an inconvenience.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: LeveeWoman on October 14, 2012, 01:49:45 PM
How much do you wanna' bet her husband is bringing her?

Oh no.....she would hitchhike with Jack the Ripper before she asked her husband to lift a finger.  On the weekends she takes the bus uptown if she wants to go shopping just so her husband can have the car.

There have been a couple of times when she has been fretting about doing something or going somewhere and when I asked why she didn't just drive there - I know she can drive because she actually asks to borrow other people's cars on occasion - her response was always..."well hubby might want the car and I don't want to inconvenience him by asking him to drive me."

Oh yes....that flabbergasted me.
 :o
I'm not kidding - she will inconvenience others but it is absolutely unthinkable that she would ask anything of him.

That's a really messed-up marriage.

seriously, I can not imagine spending my life with someone who considered my every want - no matter how small- an inconvenience.

I bet he happily relies on her income.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: wolfie on October 14, 2012, 02:44:38 PM
How much do you wanna' bet her husband is bringing her?

Oh no.....she would hitchhike with Jack the Ripper before she asked her husband to lift a finger.  On the weekends she takes the bus uptown if she wants to go shopping just so her husband can have the car.

There have been a couple of times when she has been fretting about doing something or going somewhere and when I asked why she didn't just drive there - I know she can drive because she actually asks to borrow other people's cars on occasion - her response was always..."well hubby might want the car and I don't want to inconvenience him by asking him to drive me."

Oh yes....that flabbergasted me.
 :o
I'm not kidding - she will inconvenience others but it is absolutely unthinkable that she would ask anything of him.

That's a really messed-up marriage.

seriously, I can not imagine spending my life with someone who considered my every want - no matter how small- an inconvenience.

This might not be coming from him - it could all be her. For all we know the husband wouldn't care about being left without a car or driving her to work - but she just refuses to do that. Unless the OP knows the husband and could answer that.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: gen xer on October 14, 2012, 02:52:05 PM
How much do you wanna' bet her husband is bringing her?

Oh no.....she would hitchhike with Jack the Ripper before she asked her husband to lift a finger.  On the weekends she takes the bus uptown if she wants to go shopping just so her husband can have the car.

There have been a couple of times when she has been fretting about doing something or going somewhere and when I asked why she didn't just drive there - I know she can drive because she actually asks to borrow other people's cars on occasion - her response was always..."well hubby might want the car and I don't want to inconvenience him by asking him to drive me."

Oh yes....that flabbergasted me.
 :o
I'm not kidding - she will inconvenience others but it is absolutely unthinkable that she would ask anything of him.

That's a really messed-up marriage.

seriously, I can not imagine spending my life with someone who considered my every want - no matter how small- an inconvenience.

I bet he happily relies on her income.


 Sigh....sometimes it was really hard to listen to how she spoon-fed and coddled her husband...and seemed so proud of how nurturing she was.  This was a man who wasn't working....home all day.....and yet she worked full-time, did all the housework, cooked, made him lunch and set out his breakfast bowl and cereal every morning, made his doctor's appointments for him, spoke to the pharmacist on his behalf, RAN HIS BATH!!!!! etc.  Just to clarify...this man is not an invalid or an idiot either.

I know it is not for me to pass judgement about how she manages her domestic life but when it extends out to imposing on others to pick up for you because you choose to live like that...well....I had to bite my tongue.  Hard.  Every day.   
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: siamesecat2965 on October 14, 2012, 02:55:54 PM
Yay - good for you, and I think you handled it perfectly.  You didn't go into any long-drawn out, specific reasons why you can't do this anymore, but you simply said, with a vague explanation, it won't work, and you have to find another way.  If it causes her to stop working, that isn't your problem.  Its HER problem to get to and from work.  Not anyone elses and if she really wants to continue, she will find a way.

I posted some months back about a CW who did not have a car, lived within walking distance of work, but would always ask for a ride home. And I didn't think that was right for her to do.  You take a job, knowing you can walk, you walk.  While I wouldn't have any issue giving her a ride home if the weather was nasty, but if you take a job, knowing you don't have transport, its your responsibility to get there and back, and not ask everyone for rides.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: siamesecat2965 on October 14, 2012, 02:58:58 PM

 Sigh....sometimes it was really hard to listen to how she spoon-fed and coddled her husband...and seemed so proud of how nurturing she was.  This was a man who wasn't working....home all day.....and yet she worked full-time, did all the housework, cooked, made him lunch and set out his breakfast bowl and cereal every morning, made his doctor's appointments for him, spoke to the pharmacist on his behalf, RAN HIS BATH!!!!! etc.  Just to clarify...this man is not an invalid or an idiot either.

I know it is not for me to pass judgement about how she manages her domestic life but when it extends out to imposing on others to pick up for you because you choose to live like that...well....I had to bite my tongue.  Hard.  Every day.

Oh wow. I would have bitten mine too. I agree, some people like having a marriage like that, I however, would NEVER coddle my DH (if I had one) like that, but then don't use that as an excuse why you can't drive yourself to work. You made that choice, you can figure things out.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: LeveeWoman on October 14, 2012, 03:01:47 PM
That would've been the deal-breaker for me. She can martyr herself all she wants but I wouldn't be a party to it.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Amara on October 14, 2012, 03:21:06 PM
What an ungrateful person. Three years of rides and all she can do is whine???

So glad you are out of it, OP, and didn't fall for any guilt. She'll find someone else to drive her--people like that always do--but she may also talk negatively about you at work. Watch your back there.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: yokozbornak on October 14, 2012, 03:29:49 PM
Good job, OP!  I am glad that your coworker's attempt at guilt had the exact opposite response and further strengthened your spine. 
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: philliesphan on October 14, 2012, 03:39:19 PM
Somebody call the wambulance! We got a whiner!

Good job building that spine and using it, OP!
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Roe on October 14, 2012, 03:39:53 PM

That set my teeth on edge because it was a guilt trip....but she has the means as much as anyone else to buy a car.  She simply didn't want to have to do it.  I told her as much too....my response was a rather aloof "If you really want to keep working you can buy a car...everyone else does."
 

Your response was great!  And you are right, she can get a car.  If she chooses not to, that's on her.  She can walk to work.

Good for you, OP! At least now, it doesn't matter how she gets to work, all that matters is that you are no longer responsible for her!  Woo Hoo!!!!!  Feels good, right?  :)
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: bloo on October 14, 2012, 03:40:10 PM
Update!!!!   Cuz I know the suspense was killing everyone.....

I wimped out the first two days back to work.  I'll admit it.

But I finally grew a pair overnight and told her that I was unable to accomodate her anymore....that my schedule was becoming more and more unpredictable and having to be responsible for someone else was getting unmanageable.  I know I didn't need to explain...but after so long I felt she deserved something.

So.....I got some awkward silence....and then an "I don't know what I am going to do now.  Maybe I will just have to stop working".

That set my teeth on edge because it was a guilt trip....but she has the means as much as anyone else to buy a car.  She simply didn't want to have to do it.  I told her as much too....my response was a rather aloof "If you really want to keep working you can buy a car...everyone else does."

I have mixed feelings now....she is kind of chilly with me and i do not know how she is getting to and fro....but if the only reason she has ever been nice is because she had to be...then I should have ditched her loooooong ago.   

I was reading another posters comment about how we tend to think everyone should / does think like we do.  Since I would never ask that of someone then I can't fathom how someone else can not see it as an impostion.  It is very true...I was guilty of that.  And yet I still think there is some degree to which people should hold themselves to a "reasonable person" standard.  If she herself acknowledged that it was an inconvenience the she can't possibly come back with "I didn't realize it was such an imposition because you didn't tell me."

Do people have to be hit over the head?  If you ask something of someone THINK about what that means for them...especially a long term favour like this.  I fully acknowledget that I should have been the one to say something a long time ago rather than let my resentment fester like it has....but the very nature of it has "imposition" written all over it.  The extra driving, the time, the inability to make extra stops, constantly having to consider someone else....

Errr.

First of all, well done! Those 'mixed feelings' will go away as the part of your brain that hates telling people 'no' starts to align with the part of your brain that won't let you be taken advantage of. Give yourself time, you did great!

I was the one that mentioned about not knowing how other people think. I like what you said about there being a reasonable standard, but unfortunately that's still pretty broad. I, like you, hate, hate, hate imposing on people. I'm so uncomfortable asking for favors that DH considers to be perfectly normal.

Sometimes, people really don't know they're imposing on you.

Buuuuuut, the litmus test was when you pulled the plug on the rides. Her subsequent behavior makes it clear that she was just taking advantage of you for some weird, bizarre, otherworldly marital dynamic that I can't even begin to comprehend. Guilt trip? Cold shoulder?

There should have been nothing but gratitude that you did this for years. Trust me when I say that saying, 'No' will start to get a LOT easier.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: NyaChan on October 14, 2012, 03:59:17 PM
I'm starting to wonder if this woman isn't a bit like a great-aunt of mine who knew how to drive, used to drive, but was so terrified of it that she eventually refused to do it anymore.  Her husband may either be sick of it or just uncaring of her fears.  He might also be the sole owner of the car and selfish enough to refuse to share.  Or maybe they are just users, who knows. 

Regardless, her response was out of line and a blatant attempt to guilt you.  It is a ridiculous idea that not having you drive her means she will have to quit her job.  She clearly has found ways in the past to get to work without you, there is public transportation - taxis, buses, even walking, she has a husband who has a car, and there are other people she can ask for help.  It isn't your job to make sure she can get to work - rides backing out on you are one the "costs" of not paying to own a car for your own use.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: BarensMom on October 14, 2012, 06:33:19 PM
Congrats on the new steel vertebrae, gen xer.  Podding other PP on watching your back at work - when I rid myself of my ride moocher, she complained up one side and down the other to everyone in my office.  The supervisor finally had to point out in a group meeting that I had the right to decide who rode in my car.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: gen xer on October 14, 2012, 06:35:09 PM
Update!!!!   Cuz I know the suspense was killing everyone.....

I wimped out the first two days back to work.  I'll admit it.

But I finally grew a pair overnight and told her that I was unable to accomodate her anymore....that my schedule was becoming more and more unpredictable and having to be responsible for someone else was getting unmanageable.  I know I didn't need to explain...but after so long I felt she deserved something.

So.....I got some awkward silence....and then an "I don't know what I am going to do now.  Maybe I will just have to stop working".

That set my teeth on edge because it was a guilt trip....but she has the means as much as anyone else to buy a car.  She simply didn't want to have to do it.  I told her as much too....my response was a rather aloof "If you really want to keep working you can buy a car...everyone else does."

I have mixed feelings now....she is kind of chilly with me and i do not know how she is getting to and fro....but if the only reason she has ever been nice is because she had to be...then I should have ditched her loooooong ago.   

I was reading another posters comment about how we tend to think everyone should / does think like we do.  Since I would never ask that of someone then I can't fathom how someone else can not see it as an impostion.  It is very true...I was guilty of that.  And yet I still think there is some degree to which people should hold themselves to a "reasonable person" standard.  If she herself acknowledged that it was an inconvenience the she can't possibly come back with "I didn't realize it was such an imposition because you didn't tell me."

Do people have to be hit over the head?  If you ask something of someone THINK about what that means for them...especially a long term favour like this.  I fully acknowledget that I should have been the one to say something a long time ago rather than let my resentment fester like it has....but the very nature of it has "imposition" written all over it.  The extra driving, the time, the inability to make extra stops, constantly having to consider someone else....

Errr.

First of all, well done! Those 'mixed feelings' will go away as the part of your brain that hates telling people 'no' starts to align with the part of your brain that won't let you be taken advantage of. Give yourself time, you did great!

I was the one that mentioned about not knowing how other people think. I like what you said about there being a reasonable standard, but unfortunately that's still pretty broad. I, like you, hate, hate, hate imposing on people. I'm so uncomfortable asking for favors that DH considers to be perfectly normal.

Sometimes, people really don't know they're imposing on you.

Buuuuuut, the litmus test was when you pulled the plug on the rides. Her subsequent behavior makes it clear that she was just taking advantage of you for some weird, bizarre, otherworldly marital dynamic that I can't even begin to comprehend. Guilt trip? Cold shoulder?

There should have been nothing but gratitude that you did this for years. Trust me when I say that saying, 'No' will start to get a LOT easier.

I really hope it gets easier because I was so nevous my armpits were sweating through!!!! :-X
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: SiotehCat on October 14, 2012, 06:37:28 PM
How much do you wanna' bet her husband is bringing her?

Oh no.....she would hitchhike with Jack the Ripper before she asked her husband to lift a finger.  On the weekends she takes the bus uptown if she wants to go shopping just so her husband can have the car.

There have been a couple of times when she has been fretting about doing something or going somewhere and when I asked why she didn't just drive there - I know she can drive because she actually asks to borrow other people's cars on occasion - her response was always..."well hubby might want the car and I don't want to inconvenience him by asking him to drive me."

Oh yes....that flabbergasted me.
 :o
I'm not kidding - she will inconvenience others but it is absolutely unthinkable that she would ask anything of him.

That's a really messed-up marriage.

seriously, I can not imagine spending my life with someone who considered my every want - no matter how small- an inconvenience.

I bet he happily relies on her income.

That's pretty harsh and unfair. I don't really think that their marriage is anyones business. If she wants to leave him the car, thats between them. If she wants to bring home the bacon, thats between them.

I don't think anyone is obligated to give her a ride to work, so I do think that the OP did the right thing.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: buvezdevin on October 14, 2012, 07:23:22 PM
Gen xer - congratulations, and yay, you!

You reasonably stated that you would no longer continue doing this woman a favor which inconveniences you, and replied in a fair and assertive manner to an attempt to guilt you.  It does generally get "easier" to do that, the same way that riding a bicycle or, of course, driving a car gets to be easier as it becomes familiar.

I hope you don't have occassion to practice further with this person, and i also hope that you felt some relief after the anxiety of preparing to deal directly with her this time.  Nicely done!
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Miss March on October 14, 2012, 07:45:38 PM
This will so be worth it when you can get in your car and leave work, maybe flip on the radio and sing along, or listen to an audio book, or enjoy the silence, and spontaneously decide to zip over to a store..... whatever you want. Complete personal freedom!
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Lindee on October 14, 2012, 07:58:09 PM
and don't forget the leaving later and getting home earlier bit.....
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: bopper on October 15, 2012, 10:15:01 AM
And remember, if any other coworkers provide you any feedback on your decision, just say "Great! I will tell her that you are interested in helping her arrange a new ride.  I have done my share, time for someone else to step up!"
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Chickadee on October 15, 2012, 11:35:37 AM
How much do you wanna' bet her husband is bringing her?

Oh no.....she would hitchhike with Jack the Ripper before she asked her husband to lift a finger.  On the weekends she takes the bus uptown if she wants to go shopping just so her husband can have the car.

There have been a couple of times when she has been fretting about doing something or going somewhere and when I asked why she didn't just drive there - I know she can drive because she actually asks to borrow other people's cars on occasion - her response was always..."well hubby might want the car and I don't want to inconvenience him by asking him to drive me."

Oh yes....that flabbergasted me.
 :o
I'm not kidding - she will inconvenience others but it is absolutely unthinkable that she would ask anything of him.

This is certainly no excuse for the way she has taken advantage of you, but I wonder if she doesn't have a valid driver's license. That could perhaps explain why she refuses to ever use her husband's vehicle.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: LeveeWoman on October 15, 2012, 11:50:35 AM
How much do you wanna' bet her husband is bringing her?

Oh no.....she would hitchhike with Jack the Ripper before she asked her husband to lift a finger.  On the weekends she takes the bus uptown if she wants to go shopping just so her husband can have the car.

There have been a couple of times when she has been fretting about doing something or going somewhere and when I asked why she didn't just drive there - I know she can drive because she actually asks to borrow other people's cars on occasion - her response was always..."well hubby might want the car and I don't want to inconvenience him by asking him to drive me."

Oh yes....that flabbergasted me.
 :o
I'm not kidding - she will inconvenience others but it is absolutely unthinkable that she would ask anything of him.

This is certainly no excuse for the way she has taken advantage of you, but I wonder if she doesn't have a valid driver's license. That could perhaps explain why she refuses to ever use her husband's vehicle.

Why would she borrow other people's car if she doesn't have a license to drive?
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Chickadee on October 15, 2012, 12:12:36 PM
How much do you wanna' bet her husband is bringing her?

Oh no.....she would hitchhike with Jack the Ripper before she asked her husband to lift a finger.  On the weekends she takes the bus uptown if she wants to go shopping just so her husband can have the car.

There have been a couple of times when she has been fretting about doing something or going somewhere and when I asked why she didn't just drive there - I know she can drive because she actually asks to borrow other people's cars on occasion - her response was always..."well hubby might want the car and I don't want to inconvenience him by asking him to drive me."

Oh yes....that flabbergasted me.
 :o
I'm not kidding - she will inconvenience others but it is absolutely unthinkable that she would ask anything of him.

This is certainly no excuse for the way she has taken advantage of you, but I wonder if she doesn't have a valid driver's license. That could perhaps explain why she refuses to ever use her husband's vehicle.

Why would she borrow other people's car if she doesn't have a license to drive?

My line of thinking was her husband wouldn't let her take his vehicle because he knows she does not have a valid license, but other people may not know that.

Kind of a stretch, I know, but I'm pulling from my own experience. I let a friend borrow my car, not knowing that he did not have a valid driver's license. When he got stopped for speeding, the police impounded my car  >:(.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: LeveeWoman on October 15, 2012, 12:24:32 PM
That's horrific, Chickadee! How many would think to ask an adult if she or he had a license to drive? Most would assume the asker had one. But, that's a bad assumption, as you unfortunately found out.

Unless gen xer posts otherwise, I'll assume that the mooch does have  license.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Chickadee on October 15, 2012, 12:31:07 PM
I agree with you LeveeWoman, she most likely does have a license. I do wonder why she is so unwilling to ask her DH for anything.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: LeveeWoman on October 15, 2012, 01:22:55 PM
I agree with you LeveeWoman, she most likely does have a license. I do wonder why she is so unwilling to ask her DH for anything.

I have no idea. It doesn't sound healthy to me.
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Amara on October 15, 2012, 01:29:28 PM
OP, did you stop driving her immediately? How has she been acting toward you at work?
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: PastryGoddess on October 15, 2012, 02:12:19 PM
I don't want to get this thread locked, so maybe we should stop focusing on the state of her marriage
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: Roe on October 15, 2012, 02:14:33 PM
I don't want to get this thread locked, so maybe we should stop focusing on the state of her marriage

I agree.  The state of anyone's marriage is not our business.

Back to topic...OP, how have the last few days gone?  Is she still giving you the cold shoulder?
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: VorFemme on October 15, 2012, 02:39:38 PM
VorGuy once asked to see a house guest's license before giving them the keys to the spare car.

What he didn't do was read it to see what the restrictions were on the license.

Being a suspicious person, I asked to see it later.....it was a learner's permit (required a licensed driver over 21 years of age in the front passenger seat).  I took the keys away immediately & privately let VorGuy have a verbal blast about NOT CHECKING the fine print.

Which is when I realized that he couldn't SEE the fine print with the glasses that he had then.  He got taken in for an eye exam.

We got a bit of a cold shoulder from the guest, too - because they had HAD the use of the car and it wasn't FAIR to take it away from them.  They hadn't hidden the license from us (but they had been careful not to mention that it was a permit and not a license).  I apportioned "blame" 55/45.  He should have LOOKED at it harder and they shouldn't have lied by omission because they KNEW that they couldn't legally drive with the permit.  HE was older & the owner of the vehicle - so he should have made sure that he was loaning it only to a legal driver - because they weren't named on our insurance policy, if anything went wrong - our insurance rates would have soared (at best). 

We lucked out. 

The OP's "car pool rider" might be old enough to have a license - but not want to admit that her eyesight isn't what it used to be or that she doesn't LIKE driving herself or even that it is only a learner's permit......but that isn't the OP's issue to resolve.  It belongs to the woman who is going to have to find another way to work or quit working.....and as an adult, she should "own" that!
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: jane7166 on October 15, 2012, 02:50:02 PM
OP, since your former passenger thinks she will need to quit her job, maybe her husband will step up and get one.  So, it's all good! 
Title: Re: Am I rude to ask for to find her own way home?
Post by: doodlemor on October 15, 2012, 03:24:12 PM
You did the right thing here, OP.  The woman is entitled.

Next time you feel yourself getting nervous about this situation, think about how her time mooching has taken time away from your children.  Even if they were in school during the rides, chatting with her took time that you might have been thinking of things to do with them, or even just thinking happy thoughts about your kids.

Work up some [deserved] righteous indignation about how she has been using you, and ignore any attempts to make you feel guilty.