Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Family and Children => Topic started by: donnamos2 on October 01, 2012, 04:35:18 PM

Title: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: donnamos2 on October 01, 2012, 04:35:18 PM
More divorce-related etiquette weirdness...

As often happens in divorce, STBXH and I have many friends who are self-segregating into separate camps: his friends vs. my friends.  This is actually quite fine with me, because quite a few of his friends were not exactly my favorite people.  However, some of his friends did have kids/babies similar in age to Babymoss, and because I have primary custody, I was a little sad that she might not see as much of these little playmates.  Then again, I consoled myself with the fact that Babymoss is still really little, so it possibly wouldn't matter.

At any rate, STBXH picked up Babymoss last weekend for a long day visit (too young for overnights), and let me know that he was taking her along with a bunch of his friends for a visit to a nearby waterpark.  Great, sounded fun.  And when he brought her home that evening, pink with sun and all played out, I thought a good time was had by all.

Not quite.

I received a phone call this morning at work from one of his friends in the waterpark group.  It seems that STBXH came along on the trip with no money, and bullied everyone else into paying for him and Babymoss' entry fees, rental equipment, refreshments, and food.  Friend lamented that this was quite an expense for which he and the others weren't prepared.  I said, "Sounds like it."

Friend then asked me for reimbursement.

I took a deep breath, remembered this board, and said, "No."  I had to listen to a bunch of reasons why I was supposed to, and while I didn't JADE, I did ask him a few questions that were probably not e-hell approved, like, "Did you tell STBXH all of this while paying for him?" and "Why would I pay you for something I didn't attend?"  Friend actually told me that I had to at the very least pay him the cost of Babymoss' attendance, but I refused that, too.

Of course, the end of the phone call was not particularly civil, what with Friend snarling that he now understood why my STBXH who is such a great guy is divorcing me. I just said that I was sorry he felt that way, please don't ever call me again, thanks and goodbye.

I'm not surprised that STBXH did this, because he did it all the time while we were married and it's one of the reasons for the divorce. I'm just stunned at the request.

However, is he right and do I owe him the cost of Babymoss' attendance? A big part of me says no out of spite: so many people go on and on about STBXH's "great guy-ness" when it was me funding of most of his great guy-driven generosity (buying a zillion rounds, picking up big dinner tabs, etc.), and I want them to finally get burned like I was.  Then again, I also want to to do what's right, but the amount Friend quoted me is pretty steep. I myself haven't taken Babymoss to the waterpark because I couldn't afford it, but am I supposed to reimburse Friend for her trip anyway?
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Sharnita on October 01, 2012, 04:42:52 PM
I am sure a "great guy" like STBX will understand when they explain and step up to the plate to meet his obligations.  In fact, one has to wonder why they didn't approach the "great guy" first?  If it is mentioned again I'd ask why they seem unwilling to address it with such a "great guy" and their very close friend.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: juliechan on October 01, 2012, 04:43:03 PM
You don't owe anybody ANYTHING. Your EX's friends will soon realize that he is clearly a mooch of the first order, as this trip to the water park has clearly shown. And really, to call you YOU to ask for reimbursement?! Somebody has a big pair of brass ones. Did this friend not hear through the grapevine about you and STBXH not really being a social unit any more?

Sounds to me like you have been dealing with a great deal from your STBXH..... I suspect this will not be the last time that you will hear requests like this from his friends. Just keep your polite spine and handy "Sorry, not my problem"-type responses handy. You are not responsible for cleaning up his messes. IMHO.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Hmmmmm on October 01, 2012, 04:44:06 PM
Good , freaking grief... No you owe nothing.  I would have laughed at someone saying I needed to pay for an ex's bad deeds.  Is it possible your Ex put the friend up to this?
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: pwy a wyr on October 01, 2012, 04:44:34 PM
Of course not! You didn't agree to pay before the trip, nor are you responsible for the fees racked up by STBX in your absence. I'm guessing this 'friend' knows he won't get anything out of your ex and so has tried you. But if he couldn't afford to supplement your ex, he should've said no. Maybe you saying no will be an eyeopener to the friend that such a word exists and he'll be more likely to use it himself in the future.

I'm sorry you get stuck painted as the bad guy. But soon you'll be free! Hang in there!
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Kgirl on October 01, 2012, 04:44:52 PM
His plans his dime....really? I can't believe they even asked you!
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: SuperMartianRobotGirl on October 01, 2012, 04:46:46 PM
Ok, wait, let me see if I have this logic right. He knows why STBX divorced you - because, while he bullies people into paying his way and mooches all over, that's fine, but you don't then pick up the tab for something you had nothing to do with afterward? Right? That's a reason for STBX breaking up with you rather than you breaking up with him?

No, he is not right.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: dorabee on October 01, 2012, 04:48:44 PM
Hi there,

I can't understand why You should be the one to pay? STBX is also the parent and it was his decision to attend the event...and to attend despite not being able to pay his own way.

You're not wrong at all to refuse to pay on his behalf. I'm curious, do you think your STBX told his friend that you would pay him back? ... I just can't figure out how the friend thought this was the appropriate option.

Sorry for the brevity. I'm rubbish at typing on an iPad.

If the friend tries again I'd maintain your boundaries and simply say that the excursion was nothing to do with you and that he should take up the issue of repayment with STBX since He's the one that borrowed funds.

Hope that answer helps.



Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: MorgnsGrl on October 01, 2012, 04:51:08 PM
He is not right. You are right -- this is not your problem, it's STBX's. It sounds like a terrible position for you to be in, but it also sounds like you've done more than your share of picking up after STBX's messes and it seems like this is definitely the place to draw the line in the sand.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Amava on October 01, 2012, 04:52:14 PM
Ok, wait, let me see if I have this logic right. He knows why STBX divorced you - because, while he bullies people into paying his way and mooches all over, that's fine, but you don't then pick up the tab for something you had nothing to do with afterward? Right? That's a reason for STBX breaking up with you rather than you breaking up with him?

No, he is not right.

His logic makes my head hurt!!  :(

Other than that, how DARE he call you for that, OP. When he knows you are going through a divorce. How dare he!!  >:(
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: JenJay on October 01, 2012, 04:53:21 PM
What? Just because you divorced their buddy means you're going to suddenly stop funding all their fun? Jerk!  ::)

That guy is whacked. You handled yourself beautifully. I have a feeling they're all going to figure out very quickly who, exactly, was picking up all the tabs. I cannot believe that this guy actually thought you'd reimburse him for your EX husband's mooch-o-rama. This is one of those "Every time I think I've heard it all..." threads.

On the plus side he's vowed to stamp his feet and never talk to you again, so you've got that going for ya!  :D
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: bah12 on October 01, 2012, 04:53:58 PM
Count me in as having a hard time understanding why STBXH's friend called you for reimbursement.  He is the one that went to the park, made the decision to bring his child, and then mooched off his friends to pay the way.  You aren't responsible for him.  And while I'm not sure what the terms of your divorce are, I'm pretty sure it's safe to assume that you are not responsible for financing your child's outings while she is with her father.  For this friend to then throw in the jab about understanding why he's leaving you, just boggles me.  How is it a character flaw of yours for not making right on the debts of an ex...that are his sole debts and made after you split up?  You aren't his mother and he is an adult who should act in a responsible manner.

I think that you are fine to refuse payment and that you shouldn't worry one iota about your ex's friends think. 
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: JoyinVirginia on October 01, 2012, 04:58:57 PM
This request, and any future requests should be answered the same way. His debt, his responsibility.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: jedikaiti on October 01, 2012, 05:03:39 PM
I have to wonder if STBX and Friend were in cahoots to get you to fund their fun...
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: wheeitsme on October 01, 2012, 05:05:56 PM
No, you are not responsible.  STBXH chose to go.  Chose to take his child.  Chose to mooch.  His friends chose to pay.



...But how much do you want to bet that STBXH told friends "I'm just a little short! But don't worry,  Just call donnamos2 and she'll pay you back..."  Hopefully your response will nip that behavior in the bud.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: SuperMartianRobotGirl on October 01, 2012, 05:07:40 PM
My guess is that he couldn't get STBX to pay, so he figured he'd try to bully you.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: MrsJWine on October 01, 2012, 05:14:25 PM
That's really weird. If the baby is young enough not to be able to go on overnight visits with her own dad, I'm pretty surprised that the venue would charge for her admission. Most places don't start doing that before a year of age, usually more like two years. I wonder if you're getting the real story.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: LeveeWoman on October 01, 2012, 05:14:41 PM
I have to wonder if STBX and Friend were in cahoots to get you to fund their fun...

I'd bet this month's mortgage payment on that.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Sara Crewe on October 01, 2012, 05:15:48 PM
If you pay this time, you'd better be prepared to keep paying because you can expect a bill from your ex and his friends each time he takes your daughter.

It sometimes happens that an absent parent is the 'good time Dad' (because this is usually a father, although not always) while the person with primary custody has to be the disciplinarian, but expecting the ex to fund Dad being the 'fun one' while being unable to fund interesting outings herself because all the spare cash has gone to the ex is appalling.

In other words, DO NOT PAY.  And yes, I'm yelling because I'm so disgusted at both your ex and his friend.  Unless your custody agreement says differently (and if you aren't Halle Berry in disguise, I doubt it), you have no obligation to fund activities when your daughter is with her father.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Queen of Clubs on October 01, 2012, 05:16:35 PM
Of course, the end of the phone call was not particularly civil, what with Friend snarling that he now understood why my STBXH who is such a great guy is divorcing me. I just said that I was sorry he felt that way, please don't ever call me again, thanks and goodbye.

I'm not surprised that STBXH did this, because he did it all the time while we were married and it's one of the reasons for the divorce. I'm just stunned at the request.

Aaaand I suspect all of his friends are pretty soon going to find out what a mooch STBXH is!  I hope they polish up their steel spines quickly and start telling him no.

If that's the calibre of 'friend' who's siding with your ex, good riddence to them.  The nerve of phoning you and expecting you to hand over money to cover your ex's day out!

As for your actual question: no, not in a million years.  Babymoss has two parents, one of whom was on that trip - that's who should have paid for Babymoss to get into that waterpark.  Your ex's recently-incurred debts aren't your responsibility, and neither is his friends' lack of spine.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: doodlemor on October 01, 2012, 05:36:13 PM
I would yell too, but it would hurt my eyes.

Don't you dare give these creeps a red cent!  This behavior is outrageous!  I wouldn't be surprised if STBX is somehow behind it.  If not, it certainly shows the caliber of his friends. 

If ever you start thinking nostalgically about STBXH, turn your mind back to this ridiculous incident.  You deserve much, much better treatment, and I bet that there will be good things and great people in your future.

{{{{{Hugs}}}}}
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: SuperMartianRobotGirl on October 01, 2012, 05:43:22 PM
Another thought. Maybe he told his friend something like, "I give donnamos2 child support, and that should pay for this. Get it from her."

 >:(
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: artk2002 on October 01, 2012, 05:46:35 PM
You don't owe STBX or his friend anything. Expenses incurred while he has Babymoss are his responsibility, unless some arrangement has been made in advance. My ex and I cover stuff for each other all the time, but neither of us is trying to take advantage of the other. Someone (or several someones) is trying to take advantage of you.

Sadly, he will use this to trash you. Stay strong and polite.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Iris on October 01, 2012, 05:48:31 PM
I have to wonder if STBX and Friend were in cahoots to get you to fund their fun...

I'd bet this month's mortgage payment on that.

I would not take that bet....

And Donnamos2 - NO! You don't owe them one red cent. I am furious that they would even ask!

Congratulations on your divorce from what seems to be one of the world's saddest jerks and his jerky bunch of jerky friends.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Amava on October 01, 2012, 05:53:09 PM
The most important thing with people who are trying to take advantage of you, is to not give them a precedent. If you pay up once, they'll be back.

Good that you nipped it in the bud. Don't second-guess yourself in this matter.

Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Bookgirl on October 01, 2012, 05:58:50 PM
I have to say, I agree with MrsJWine.  I'm assuming that the baby isn't old enough to spend the night with her own father because she's still mostly tied to you for nourishment.  So, I'm guessing under a year old (correct me if I'm wrong!) 

I would be really surprised if the waterpark charges full price admission for what is essentially a babe in arms, or even half admission.  We've taken our kids to a lot of amusement parks and Disney is the one that starts charging earliest at 2 years old. 

I also can't imagine that the baby ate all that much real adult food, certainly not a full price adult meal, right?  I know the food at those places is terribly expensive so I just can't imagine ordering a full meal for someone who is less that a year old and might not even be on all solid food. 

Something tells me that you aren't getting the full truthful story OP.  The friend who called, is he generally a trustworthy person?  It seems to me that your Ex and this friend are trying to get some money out of you by giving you this hard to believe story.  Is that a possibility?  No matter what, don't give anyone any money! 
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: NyaChan on October 01, 2012, 06:06:38 PM
I am so angry on your behalf.  These people are completely out of line in a truly shocking way - I say that you are well rid of both your ex & the friends who chose his camp.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: HenrysMom on October 01, 2012, 06:07:12 PM
This sort of thing is why soon-to-be-divorced couples would each put a notice in the paper denying all responsibility for the other's debts way back when.  Do people still do that?
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: ChiGirl on October 01, 2012, 06:23:35 PM
"You need to speak to her father about that."

Might as well practice saying it now, because I sense you'll be saying it quite often...
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Winterlight on October 01, 2012, 06:57:41 PM
Of course, the end of the phone call was not particularly civil, what with Friend snarling that he now understood why my STBXH who is such a great guy is divorcing me. I just said that I was sorry he felt that way, please don't ever call me again, thanks and goodbye.

If STBXH is so great, why didn't he bring any money with him in the first place and avoid sticking his friends with the bill? Failing that, why didn't he pay them back ASAP?

Unless you agreed in advance to cover a specific sum (and always get specific sums, don't let him have a blank check) you owe nothing.

At least one good thing came out of this- JerkFriend won't be calling you again!
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Piratelvr1121 on October 01, 2012, 07:04:20 PM
Whoah he's got a pair of brass ones, doesn't he?  :o  You don't owe him a thing apart from a shove towards door #3 which holds our beloved Clue by Four!!

Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: rain on October 01, 2012, 07:22:01 PM
Take it from me - never, ever open "The Bank of ____ (your name)"  because trying to shut it down later will be painfull - especially when he realizes the "bank" is closing & starts asking for a "loan" in front of kids

(first time he did that ... I ended up giving him the $, and he eventually paid me back.  The next time  - oy vey - I said "no"  & cried after I drove off... had to explain whole backstory to DS... so he'd understand why I was crying.... ex still tried sticking me for his & his girlfriend's orders from DS's fundraisers ... ex was told no $, no order)
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Venus193 on October 01, 2012, 07:28:36 PM
I have to wonder if STBX and Friend were in cahoots to get you to fund their fun...

I'd bet on that, too.

He must hang with his own kind... moochers.  You don't owe them anything except "Goodbye" and "Good Riddance."  And don't pay them.  Per the others, that sets a precedent you don't want.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Chickadee on October 01, 2012, 07:44:22 PM
Donnamos2, let me tell you my (long) story. Granted, this was ~30 years ago, but it seems that the human condition never changes.  :-\

My XH and I had two children (2 and 5 years old) when we split. I had primary custody, and he had visitation every other weekend, and also any time between that worked for our schedules. Now, XH had to pay child support, but he and I worked it out to a sum that he could afford and still enabled me to adequately provide for our kids’ needs. He, our attorneys, and the judge agreed that the amount was fair to all concerned.

I wanted to do fun things with the kids, but money was tight. So I would scrimp and save during a 4 to 6 week period in order to have the funds to do those things. My scrimping always was in the terms of denying myself something that was just “fun”, but not necessary. For instance, I might have been running out of my favorite shade of lipstick, but instead of buying a new one before <saving for fun thing to do with kids> I simply made do with what I had. Or, my girlfriends would invite me for drinks on a Friday night when XH had the kids for the weekend, but I stayed home because buying drinks at a club was way too expensive. In other words, I denied myself fun (unnecessary) stuff in order to do fun activities with my children. For me, it was a no-brainer.

It came to my attention via “friends” that XH was unable to do fun stuff on the weekends he had our children because I was “taking so much of his paycheck in child support” that I left with him with no  money to show the kids a good time. Remember, he and I agreed to a specific dollar amount for child support. What those supposed friends were not considering was XH would hit the bars at least 3 times a week after work (small town and word got around) and blow all his expendable cash.

I told those people that how XH managed his budget was none of my concern and certainly none of theirs. Some people that I thought were friends dropped off the radar, but I realized they were not really friends in the first place.

So, to finally answer your question:  No, your STBXH and his extremely immature friend are not right. Your reply to STBXH’s friend was perfect. Keep polishing that shiny spine!
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: LeveeWoman on October 01, 2012, 08:18:35 PM
I have to wonder if STBX and Friend were in cahoots to get you to fund their fun...

I'd bet this month's mortgage payment on that.

I would not take that bet....

And Donnamos2 - NO! You don't owe them one red cent. I am furious that they would even ask!

Congratulations on your divorce from what seems to be one of the world's saddest jerks and his jerky bunch of jerky friends.

While the saying "opposites attract" is true to an extent, this is a case of Special Snowflakes attracting each other.

Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: lollylegs on October 01, 2012, 08:19:01 PM
I've never skipped the responses to post my own comment but the situation you describe is so outrageous that I'm breaking my rule just this once. No. No no no no no. Don't give friend a cent.

Honestly, I've read some crazy things on this site but this takes the cake.

And now I'll go back and read the whole thread.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Shakira on October 01, 2012, 08:20:17 PM
I don't think the questions you asked his friends were inappropriate at all. It's a sign of a good, shiny spine!

Your X is a WHACKALOON  and so is his friend. POD'ing to all who mentioned the questionable full price for babymoss.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: LeveeWoman on October 01, 2012, 08:22:00 PM
"You need to speak to her father about that."

Might as well practice saying it now, because I sense you'll be saying it quite often...

Oh, this is so true.

EDITED.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Piratelvr1121 on October 01, 2012, 08:30:11 PM
Add me in to the suspicious ones!
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: diesel_darlin on October 01, 2012, 08:51:34 PM
Im not aware of your exact location, OP, but the waterpark near me doesnt charge for wee ones. I think it starts at 5, and even that is a significantly lower price than an adult ticket. Im with everyone else. NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Pippen on October 01, 2012, 08:57:39 PM
You mentioned the friend said he was bullied into paying for this. It would be interesting to know what your X said to them and hopefully it doesn't involve any promises of repayment by yourself.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: lkdrymom on October 01, 2012, 09:28:34 PM
Did you ever ask your ex why his friend called you?

I'm not so shocked....sounds like something my ex would do.

My DD16 was doing a fund raiser last week and I bought the coupon book she was selling. She told me her dad also bought one....but he needed me to pay for it and he'd pay me back. I wasn't so sure he would and since the kids are older and rarely visit him I figured that money would be as good as gone. DD16 whined about it so I told her to put up her own money for her father. She did...and for her aunt too.....she expects to collect from them this weekend...we will see.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Slartibartfast on October 01, 2012, 09:38:33 PM
I'm trying to come up with any possible reason you could be expected to pay in this situation, and i'm drawing a blank.  Maybe if you were the one who called your ex and his friends and arranged for them all to go to the park, and you told your ex you would pay for everyone . . . and even then, the people actually going should have been prepared to either pay their own way in case something changed or to drop out if they really couldn't afford it.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: mrs_deb on October 01, 2012, 09:39:52 PM
Another thought. Maybe he told his friend something like, "I give donnamos2 child support, and that should pay for this. Get it from her."

 >:(

That was my first thought, too.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: PeterM on October 01, 2012, 09:56:35 PM
Of course, the end of the phone call was not particularly civil, what with Friend snarling that he now understood why my STBXH who is such a great guy is divorcing me. I just said that I was sorry he felt that way, please don't ever call me again, thanks and goodbye.

The only place I think you could have done better would be if you'd explicitly stated that your ex's finances are now completely cut off from yours, and you will never pay for anything he does in the future, with or without your daughter. His custody time, his money, period. If (hopefully not when) you end up talking to another of his yahoo friends about this same topic, I would make sure that gets said and ask them to pass it around so there are no more idiocies in the future. You may want to say "misunderstandings" rather than idiocies. Or you may not.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Otterpop on October 01, 2012, 10:13:42 PM
So your ex was "Good Time Charlie" on your dime the entire marriage?  His friends are used to him having endless cash flow and don't want that to change.  Too bad.  You are not responsible for his (or their) good times any more.

My jaw is on the floor.  Good for you OP for not caving in.  Those inner doubts are vestiges of your doormat days.  Continue growing that spine.  (It takes time, I know...)
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: CookieChica on October 01, 2012, 10:14:33 PM
I concur with everyone else. A circle has more of a point than this guy.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: sweetonsno on October 01, 2012, 10:31:08 PM
What a butt muffin.

I think you were fine.

That said, I think you should spell it out for him that you are not going to pay for your XH's activities (or DD's) unless XH works it out with you in advance. Furthermore, any financial transactions are between you and XH and you will not be giving money to a third party.

However, I do worry somewhat that the friends might take it out on your DD. It might be worthwhile to agree to pay for half of DD's admission this time (emphasizing that you will not in the future unless you've made prior arrangements). Bonus: if you look into it and realize that DD is young enough that she should have been admitted for free, you can act completely baffled that XH would have borrowed money for DD when he didn't need it.

"XH did not make prior arrangements for me to fund this excursion. He is not my dependent, so I'm not going to fund his activities unless we work something out ahead of time. In the future, I'd like him to discuss admission for our daughter ahead of time. I don't want you to resent paying for my DD, so I'll reimburse you for half of her admission this time. I'll call the water park and have a check in the mail as soon as I can. In the future, though, don't assume that I have agreed to pay for activities that don't involve me. If XH needs to borrow money, it's between you and him. It doesn't involve me."
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Klein Bottle on October 01, 2012, 10:36:01 PM
What a butt muffin.

I think you were fine.

That said, I think you should spell it out for him that you are not going to pay for your XH's activities (or DD's) unless XH works it out with you in advance. Furthermore, any financial transactions are between you and XH and you will not be giving money to a third party.

However, I do worry somewhat that the friends might take it out on your DD. It might be worthwhile to agree to pay for half of DD's admission this time (emphasizing that you will not in the future unless you've made prior arrangements). Bonus: if you look into it and realize that DD is young enough that she should have been admitted for free, you can act completely baffled that XH would have borrowed money for DD when he didn't need it.

"XH did not make prior arrangements for me to fund this excursion. He is not my dependent, so I'm not going to fund his activities unless we work something out ahead of time. In the future, I'd like him to discuss admission for our daughter ahead of time. I don't want you to resent paying for my DD, so I'll reimburse you for half of her admission this time. I'll call the water park and have a check in the mail as soon as I can. In the future, though, don't assume that I have agreed to pay for activities that don't involve me. If XH needs to borrow money, it's between you and him. It doesn't involve me."

I disagree.  Please don't do this!  If you do, any words you speak pertaining to how finances will be handled going forward will go unheard, and both STBX and his buddies will continue to see you as an easy mark.

Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: LifeOnPluto on October 01, 2012, 10:40:29 PM
You handled Jerky Friend really well. The only thing I would have added was:

"Ex and I are separated. Our finances are separate. Please do not ask me to repay his debts."
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Emmy on October 01, 2012, 11:07:24 PM
STBX and you are divorcing soon.  You have no obligation to give him 'fun money'.  I don't recall seeing how old the baby was, but very young children are often free or reduced price and don't eat much food so the exorbitant price probably included ex's ticket, food, and other stuff. 

It sounds like ex and ex-friend deserve each other.  I bet ex-friend is going to disappear when his formerly 'generous' (on your dollar) 'great guy' of a buddy suddenly is hitting him up for money.  Ex-friend was a jerk for insulting you after you refused to pay.  If friend resented spending that much money, he should have told ex 'no'.  If he did decide to spend the money on ex, he certainly shouldn't expect you to pay it back.  I wonder if ex's friends will still think he's a 'great guy' when he continues to hit them up for spending money?  I'm glad to see you used your spine.  Unless ordered by a court, your don't owe your ex a cent.  I like LifeonPluto's statement.  If they continue to bug you after you say that, you are not rude to hang up and block their number.

Reading this story, it sounds like your ex is an immature 14 year old boy who wants mommy to pay for his fun.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: ClaireC79 on October 02, 2012, 04:12:47 AM
Did you ask him to take her there?

Not in a 'what are you going to do today?' or 'of course she can go to the park' way or 'if your friends are going on your visitation day why don't you and baby go as well as' way but a 'Take babymoss to the waterpark on Tuesday' way or 'I can't swim so next time you go can you take her'

Unless you told him to take her then it's nothing to do with you
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: SuperMartianRobotGirl on October 02, 2012, 05:37:26 AM
I disagree that you should pay a single penny, no matter what, even if you suggested the outing. If you start down that path, you will be on it forever. When your child is with him, he pays, period. He has to learn that now.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: RingTailedLemur on October 02, 2012, 06:04:46 AM
WOW.  I'm stunned at that guy's gall.

I agree with the others who said that you don't owe a single penny.

The insult after you said no has made me annoyed on your behalf.

Also, well done on you shiny titanium spine.  I'd have had a hard time not JADE-ing.  You were amazing.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Corvid on October 02, 2012, 06:37:15 AM
However, is he right and do I owe him the cost of Babymoss' attendance?

No, he is not right, and likely deep down he knows it.  It's simply easier to hound you than it is to hound the "Great Guy" who probably lavished generosity on him in the past - and reminders of past generosity may well be how your STBX got everyone to pay for him at the water park to begin with, which may be the reason this guy isn't comfortable trying to get the money back from STBX instead of you.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: HoneyBee42 on October 02, 2012, 06:59:57 AM
I took a deep breath, remembered this board, and said, "No."  I had to listen to a bunch of reasons why I was supposed to, and while I didn't JADE, I did ask him a few questions that were probably not e-hell approved, like, "Did you tell STBXH all of this while paying for him?" and "Why would I pay you for something I didn't attend?"  Friend actually told me that I had to at the very least pay him the cost of Babymoss' attendance, but I refused that, too

Actually, I don't think that those questions are non e-hell approved--they seem to be perfectly polite (albeit sans sugar-coating).

I'm in agreement with the contingent that says "continue to say no" to any reimbursement whatsoever, and should anyone dare to ask you again, just say that is something they'll have to take up with Babymoss's father.  I would not offer *any* reimbursement and any attempts to get you to pay even a portion should be met with the broken-record "You need to discuss this with STBX, it's his obligation to repay you, not mine."

I'm sure my ex paints me evil to some, too.  You basically have to just take the attitude that anyone who thinks ill of you because of things your ex says is a pitiable idiot but that your doctor ordered you on a low-idiot lifestyle.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Pigeon on October 02, 2012, 08:53:08 AM
While the saying "opposites attract" is true to an extent, this is a case of Special Snowflakes attracting each other.

This makes me think of a Special Snowball - a group of Special Snowflakes who stick together.  ;)
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Jaelle on October 02, 2012, 08:56:34 AM
I'm curious. When you "had to listen to a bunch of reasons why" you were supposed to pay, what were they?

I think you were absolutely fine, and this guy is a loon.  ::)  But I'm curious how he tried to justify it.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Winterlight on October 02, 2012, 09:11:59 AM
What a butt muffin.

I think you were fine.

That said, I think you should spell it out for him that you are not going to pay for your XH's activities (or DD's) unless XH works it out with you in advance. Furthermore, any financial transactions are between you and XH and you will not be giving money to a third party.

However, I do worry somewhat that the friends might take it out on your DD. It might be worthwhile to agree to pay for half of DD's admission this time (emphasizing that you will not in the future unless you've made prior arrangements). Bonus: if you look into it and realize that DD is young enough that she should have been admitted for free, you can act completely baffled that XH would have borrowed money for DD when he didn't need it.

"XH did not make prior arrangements for me to fund this excursion. He is not my dependent, so I'm not going to fund his activities unless we work something out ahead of time. In the future, I'd like him to discuss admission for our daughter ahead of time. I don't want you to resent paying for my DD, so I'll reimburse you for half of her admission this time. I'll call the water park and have a check in the mail as soon as I can. In the future, though, don't assume that I have agreed to pay for activities that don't involve me. If XH needs to borrow money, it's between you and him. It doesn't involve me."

I disagree.  Please don't do this!  If you do, any words you speak pertaining to how finances will be handled going forward will go unheard, and both STBX and his buddies will continue to see you as an easy mark.

Seconded. If you buckle to this, he will expect you to keep on funding his fun.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: weeblewobble on October 02, 2012, 09:17:15 AM
I have to wonder if STBX and Friend were in cahoots to get you to fund their fun...

I'd bet this month's mortgage payment on that.

POD, or that while the friends enjoyed STBX's "great-guy" largesse over the years, they knew you were the one bankrolling it.  So now they're going to the bank to make sure their friendship with STBX can continue to get funding.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: JenJay on October 02, 2012, 09:24:16 AM
What a butt muffin.

I think you were fine.

That said, I think you should spell it out for him that you are not going to pay for your XH's activities (or DD's) unless XH works it out with you in advance. Furthermore, any financial transactions are between you and XH and you will not be giving money to a third party.

However, I do worry somewhat that the friends might take it out on your DD. It might be worthwhile to agree to pay for half of DD's admission this time (emphasizing that you will not in the future unless you've made prior arrangements). Bonus: if you look into it and realize that DD is young enough that she should have been admitted for free, you can act completely baffled that XH would have borrowed money for DD when he didn't need it.

"XH did not make prior arrangements for me to fund this excursion. He is not my dependent, so I'm not going to fund his activities unless we work something out ahead of time. In the future, I'd like him to discuss admission for our daughter ahead of time. I don't want you to resent paying for my DD, so I'll reimburse you for half of her admission this time. I'll call the water park and have a check in the mail as soon as I can. In the future, though, don't assume that I have agreed to pay for activities that don't involve me. If XH needs to borrow money, it's between you and him. It doesn't involve me."

I disagree.  Please don't do this!  If you do, any words you speak pertaining to how finances will be handled going forward will go unheard, and both STBX and his buddies will continue to see you as an easy mark.

I agree. Also, I think any hint of willingness to contribute to her "time with Daddy" expenses will just encourage the ex to keep harping on her for more. I can absolutely see him pulling some crap like "I wanted to take you to Disney for a whole week but YOUR MOM didn't want to help pay for it!"
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: weeblewobble on October 02, 2012, 09:30:33 AM


It sounds like ex and ex-friend deserve each other.  I bet ex-friend is going to disappear when his formerly 'generous' (on your dollar) 'great guy' of a buddy suddenly is hitting him up for money.  Ex-friend was a jerk for insulting you after you refused to pay.  If friend resented spending that much money, he should have told ex 'no'.  If he did decide to spend the money on ex, he certainly shouldn't expect you to pay it back.  I wonder if ex's friends will still think he's a 'great guy' when he continues to hit them up for spending money?


In my experience, STBX will continue to be a "great-guy" and donnamos will be blamed for the changes, i.e. "STBX is such a great guy.  He would pay for the big expensive outing he suggested for us all, but his mean old ex-wife sucks away all of his money for stupid things like feeding and clothing their child."
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: TurtleDove on October 02, 2012, 09:34:14 AM
I'm with the people saying STBXH is not giving the whole story.  This friend is a woman, yes?  I cannot imagine that a water park would charge for a baby, but let's say it did - how much could it possibly be?  And why would you take a baby to a water park when the baby would be happier at a free wading pool?  Obviously, don't pay any money but I am extremely skeptical of the "story" here.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: NyaChan on October 02, 2012, 09:40:08 AM
I think the friend was male.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: bopper on October 02, 2012, 09:43:22 AM
I like how the friend blames you for the divorce because you won't pay up for your mooching Ex, not because he was the moocher.

It would have been awesome to say "Listen to yourself...are you seriously saying I am at fault in the marriage because I would not pay for Ex, instead of blaming him mooching off of you?"
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Margo on October 02, 2012, 09:51:52 AM
Good for You on sticking to your guns. Of course you should not pay anything. You didn't arrange this, if STBX failed to plan that's his problem, if this friends were daft enough to let him mooch of them, that's their problem, and this incident will be a useful learning experience for them.

It's bizarre to me that the friend would think this was in any way reasonable or appropriate. After all, if STBX told them you'd pay, then the obvious arrangement wouldbe for him to collect rom you when he brought BabyMoss home, and for him to them repay his friend (I can't think why they'd think you'd be paying, but if you were, that would be the obvious method, to me!)

I think you handled yourself just fine, but in future, if he or any of STBX's mates try it,  I would recommend that you avoid getting drawn into any kind of discussion about it.

As soon as they bring it up  say"I don't understand why you're calling me. This has nothing to do with me, it is between you and Ex.  You need to speak to Ex."

if they persevere, repeat "This has nothing to do with me. You need to speak to Ex" then end the call.

(If they claim he told them you would pay then the same answer works, too!)

Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Emmy on October 02, 2012, 10:01:33 AM


It sounds like ex and ex-friend deserve each other.  I bet ex-friend is going to disappear when his formerly 'generous' (on your dollar) 'great guy' of a buddy suddenly is hitting him up for money.  Ex-friend was a jerk for insulting you after you refused to pay.  If friend resented spending that much money, he should have told ex 'no'.  If he did decide to spend the money on ex, he certainly shouldn't expect you to pay it back.  I wonder if ex's friends will still think he's a 'great guy' when he continues to hit them up for spending money?


In my experience, STBX will continue to be a "great-guy" and donnamos will be blamed for the changes, i.e. "STBX is such a great guy.  He would pay for the big expensive outing he suggested for us all, but his mean old ex-wife sucks away all of his money for stupid things like feeding and clothing their child."

It sounds like the ex friends were moochers who mooched off of STBX who liked being 'the great guy' while mooching off of you.  I don't see a friendship lasting long with too gimme types and nobody to fund it.  I imagine they will complain about you because you aren't funding their fun anymore.  Eventually though, I imagine they will tire of each other.  STBX will probably expect that after his 'generosity' (on your dime) towards the friends that his friends will be glad to pay him back for all the times he treated them.  The ex-friend will be unhappy the gravy train has stopped and he is now the one expected to pay for STBX. 
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: O'Dell on October 02, 2012, 10:39:24 AM
Donnamos, I know you were only asking about this one situation, but I'm concerned that your ex's behavior in the past has you questioning that his friend might be right. The friend's logic was so twisted that it should be self-evident you are right, yet here you are not sure. So...I'm going to butt my nose in and give some unasked for advice anyway!

If you have any sort of doubts about a decision or feel yourself weakening "in the moment", then stall. Give yourself time to get your bearings. Tell your ex,  or anyone that tries to pull this sort of poopadities, you'll think on it and get back to them. Then get a reality check here or with someone whose judgment you trust.

Fingers crossed that this sort of thing has been nipped in the bud!
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Pugwoman on October 02, 2012, 01:11:30 PM
Wow.  I just finished reading the entire thread.  Unfortunately, there are people out there who have no clue.  Case in point:  Many years ago, my ex-husband told our 11 year old son that he didn't have to buy him Christmas or Birthday gifts anymore because he paid child support.  The man paid a whopping $125 a month (in the mid-90's) and told the whole world I was "bleeding him dry."  Even my own father believed him, until I showed him the divorce decree.  Some men are just bacon-fed knave-clowns.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: BeagleMommy on October 02, 2012, 01:32:15 PM
My flabber is officially gasted!  The nerve of these two is on an epic scale.  I don't think I would have been able to form words at this demand.  Probably, I would have just hung up on him (and you would have been within your rights to do so as well).
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: still in va on October 02, 2012, 01:36:40 PM
My flabber is officially gasted!  The nerve of these two is on an epic scale.  I don't think I would have been able to form words at this demand.  Probably, I would have just hung up on him (and you would have been within your rights to do so as well).

i'm afraid that after realizing the purpose of his call, and hearing his rational for the request, i would have been laughing so hard that he probably would have hung up on me!
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: cicero on October 02, 2012, 02:06:12 PM


However, is he right and do I owe him the cost of Babymoss' attendance? A big part of me says no out of spite: so many people go on and on about STBXH's "great guy-ness" when it was me funding of most of his great guy-driven generosity (buying a zillion rounds, picking up big dinner tabs, etc.), and I want them to finally get burned like I was.  Then again, I also want to to do what's right, but the amount Friend quoted me is pretty steep. I myself haven't taken Babymoss to the waterpark because I couldn't afford it, but am I supposed to reimburse Friend for her trip anyway?
no no no and a thousand times no. this is not out of spite, this is out of what is right - your STBX had *his* time with his child, the expenses/logistics are on him.

this is going to happen again and again, you need to set your boundaries now. next time, when  your STBX's "friend" starts saying "this happened and that and now you owe me X" - say "i'm sorry, why are you telling me this? STBX owes you the money. buh bye"

Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Winterlight on October 02, 2012, 02:15:57 PM
Let me put it this way- say the roles were reversed. You took BabyM to a water park. You forgot your wallet or didn't have enough cash to cover stuff and your friend paid for you. Would you tell them to call your ex to get reimbursed? I'm guessing not.

Also, he is her father. He is not doing you a favor by spending time with her. He is parenting. It is his job to pay for her. If he can't afford expensive outings, then he needs to come up with things to do that fit in his budget.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Twik on October 02, 2012, 02:54:37 PM
Quote
Of course, the end of the phone call was not particularly civil, what with Friend snarling that he now understood why my STBXH who is such a great guy is divorcing me.

I'm sorry, this is actually funny. The guy who stiffed Friend is the "great guy," while the person who doesn't want to pay an obligation she didn't actually agree to is the villain in the piece? What a lovely bit of delusion! You pay the piper, and he gets credit for hiring him!
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Otterpop on October 02, 2012, 04:00:33 PM
The more I read this, the more it sounds like STBX and friend expected you to pay for their fun day.  The baby was just a convenient excuse.

(Raging Waters in San Dimas, CA near me doesn't charge for children under 2.  Neither does Soak City, Buena Park, CA.  No water park I know of does.  And as far as food, you can feed a baby off your plate or bring toddler food.  They ate, drank and made merry and wanted you to pay.  I'll bet they'll think twice and count their pennies next time.)
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: zyrs on October 02, 2012, 04:41:46 PM
You do not owe "friend" a penny, much less a dime.  I'd say that even if you weren't getting a divorce..

Your husband is a legal adult who made the decision on his own to take your daughter to the waterpark, just her and him.  The money for that is on him.  It's part of parenting.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Craftymom on October 02, 2012, 05:17:23 PM
OP, another vote for you don't owe snippy friend one thin dine.

I am curious though, I am betting that EX's friends do not know that OP was actually funding EX's previous "generosity". That would spoil the whole grand illusion of EX being so "generous", if it was publically known that OP was actually funding the fundage...

He is probably crying poor that that "mean old OP is bleeding him dry"..

Since you are getting probably darn low support if any, (given his seeming irresponsibility) next time one of these "extortion calls" comes in, I would threaten to tell them exactly how little he IS giving you to support his child...Then he can look really bad.
*stuffing Evil Crafty back into her box*
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Sirius on October 02, 2012, 07:21:47 PM
Another thought. Maybe he told his friend something like, "I give donnamos2 child support, and that should pay for this. Get it from her."

 >:(

Bet you a cup of coffee that you're close to the truth on this one.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Twik on October 02, 2012, 08:04:40 PM
The other part of the OP that is so outrageous is this:

Quote
Friend actually told me that I had to at the very least pay him the cost of Babymoss' attendance, but I refused that, too.

It might be (slightly) conceivable that Friend thought that, as custodial parent, the OP would be paying for Babymoss. But apparently, Friend started under the assumption that she was responsible for STBXH, who is, apparently, not an adult who could be expected to pay his own way in a place of amusement.

Truly mindboggling.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Ceallach on October 02, 2012, 08:36:16 PM
I can't get over the gall of that man.   Certainly showing his true colours.  Unfortunately the way situations get twisted and turned in relationship breakdowns means it's entirely likely that the "friend" has some kind of reason why he *thinks* he is in the right.    Your finances are none of that man's business, and if he chooses to lend his mooch of a friend money he needs to deal with the consequences, not start hitting you up for it.   Just wow.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: AmethystAnne on October 02, 2012, 09:06:10 PM
OP, another vote for you don't owe snippy friend one thin dine.

I am curious though, I am betting that EX's friends do not know that OP was actually funding EX's previous "generosity". That would spoil the whole grand illusion of EX being so "generous", if it was publically known that OP was actually funding the fundage...

He is probably crying poor that that "mean old OP is bleeding him dry"..

Since you are getting probably darn low support if any, (given his seeming irresponsibility) next time one of these "extortion calls" comes in, I would threaten to tell them exactly how little he IS giving you to support his child...Then he can look really bad.
*stuffing Evil Crafty back into her box*

I guess I'm evil too because I agree with what Craftymom said.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Take2 on October 02, 2012, 09:19:51 PM
Wow. I would explain that since you are no longer attached to STBX, his entertainment expenses are not your concern. Furthermore, when he has custody of the child at any given time, you are neither in charge of or nor responsible for their plans or the associated costs. That's sort of fundamental to how divorce works, really.

I am flabbergasted that there are adults who think it would be reasonable for an ex to pay entrance for STBX and baby to get into a waterpark during STBX's custody time. Do they think he is just a glorified babysitter? That's his kid, his custody, HIS financial responsibility.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: KenveeB on October 02, 2012, 10:46:59 PM
My flabber is gasted too. You have NO obligation to pay for your ex's outings with his daughter. His friends are his friends and aren't going to see reason, so just ignore them. "You can take that up with Ex."
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Twik on October 03, 2012, 11:40:53 AM
The more I read this, the more it sounds like STBX and friend expected you to pay for their fun day.  The baby was just a convenient excuse.

(Raging Waters in San Dimas, CA near me doesn't charge for children under 2.  Neither does Soak City, Buena Park, CA.  No water park I know of does.  And as far as food, you can feed a baby off your plate or bring toddler food.  They ate, drank and made merry and wanted you to pay.  I'll bet they'll think twice and count their pennies next time.)

Oh, this is very clear. I would not be surprised to hear that STBXH pulls this stunt several more times, until the message gets out that the OP is not in the business of subsidizing his free time activities.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: bloo on October 03, 2012, 04:50:40 PM
Wow.  I just finished reading the entire thread.  Unfortunately, there are people out there who have no clue.  Case in point:  Many years ago, my ex-husband told our 11 year old son that he didn't have to buy him Christmas or Birthday gifts anymore because he paid child support.  The man paid a whopping $125 a month (in the mid-90's) and told the whole world I was "bleeding him dry."  Even my own father believed him, until I showed him the divorce decree.  Some men are just bacon-fed knave-clowns.

I'm just sickened that there are persons like Pugwoman's and Donnamos' exes around. I can certainly understand why they are "exes".
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Amava on October 03, 2012, 05:03:49 PM
Wow.  I just finished reading the entire thread.  Unfortunately, there are people out there who have no clue.  Case in point:  Many years ago, my ex-husband told our 11 year old son that he didn't have to buy him Christmas or Birthday gifts anymore because he paid child support.  The man paid a whopping $125 a month (in the mid-90's) and told the whole world I was "bleeding him dry."  Even my own father believed him, until I showed him the divorce decree.  Some men are just bacon-fed knave-clowns.

Oh man, I'm not a violent person usually but I want to shake that man.
What a heartless thing to say to his son.
If a father (or other person) buys a child presents, it should be because he loves the child and because he wants to, not because he "has" to!  >:( >:( :'(
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: johelenc1 on October 04, 2012, 12:54:42 PM
OP - Can you confirm your child's age?  I mean, you are calling him BabyMoss, so I'm thinking he's pretty young.  Who takes a baby to a water park anyway?  My kids are 5 and wouldn't know what a water park was.  A parent who takes a baby to a water park is going for their own fun - which BTW, I can't imagine would be much fun with a baby in tow.  Who wants to bet some poor mom got stuck with BabyMoss for the day while her husband and EX had a blast in the park.

And, absolutely - you owe the caller not a dime.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Take2 on October 04, 2012, 01:49:47 PM
The ex in this story is a jerk, but it is totally possible for young kids to enjoy water parks.

My kids are daredevils, so I waited until they were tall enough to ride some big slides to take them for the first time. And that was when my son was 2. He was definitely not the youngest kid enjoying the kiddie area, the lazy river, the wave pool. He was the youngest kid on the 3-story slides, but that was just because he is both fearless and exceedingly tall for his age.

I know my neighbor was taking her more timid child to waterparks when she was just learning to walk, around 12 months old.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: rashea on October 04, 2012, 01:51:59 PM
I did a bit of digging. It seems the OP posted that she was near her due date in June of 2011. So, we're talking about 16 months +- a month or so.

And, as part of that digging, it also seems clear that the soon to be ex has never been overly involved in taking care of his child. Sadly, that seems to be a continuing trend. OP, you have my sympathy.

Finally, of course you shouldn't pay for her Dad to take her somewhere. Especially if you weren't even asked first.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: HermioneGranger on October 04, 2012, 02:01:55 PM
Wow.  I just finished reading the entire thread.  Unfortunately, there are people out there who have no clue.  Case in point:  Many years ago, my ex-husband told our 11 year old son that he didn't have to buy him Christmas or Birthday gifts anymore because he paid child support.  The man paid a whopping $125 a month (in the mid-90's) and told the whole world I was "bleeding him dry."  Even my own father believed him, until I showed him the divorce decree.  Some men are just bacon-fed knave-clowns.

My husband's father always had money for tithing to his church, but couldn't buy his only child a pack of looseleaf or a new pair of shoes, because he claimed that that's why he paid child support.  Nice guy.  Now he's supporting a whole new family, who are getting all of the things he was too cheap to buy my husband.  I'm so brokenhearted that we've cut him off and our daughter will never be exposed to him.   ::)
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Tabby Uprising on October 04, 2012, 02:08:48 PM
The ex in this story is a jerk, but it is totally possible for young kids to enjoy water parks.

My kids are daredevils, so I waited until they were tall enough to ride some big slides to take them for the first time. And that was when my son was 2. He was definitely not the youngest kid enjoying the kiddie area, the lazy river, the wave pool. He was the youngest kid on the 3-story slides, but that was just because he is both fearless and exceedingly tall for his age.

I know my neighbor was taking her more timid child to waterparks when she was just learning to walk, around 12 months old.

Oh absolutely! My mom took niece (5) and nephew (2) to a local water park once a week over the summer.  They loved it!  There were a lot of age appropriate activities for them: splash pads, wadding pools, lazy river, slides... I actually think it would be hard for an adult to enjoy a water park while watching a little one.  You have to be hyper-vigilant!
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Girlie on October 04, 2012, 02:23:22 PM
OP -
Your STBXH is not a babysitter. He is a father. If he chooses to take Babymoss out for a day at the water park, that is his business, and he needs to pony up the dough.

You did well, and I betcha I can tell you exactly why the guy who called you makes such a good pairing with your STBXH.  They're both jerks.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: lowspark on October 04, 2012, 02:40:49 PM
The ex in this story is a jerk, but it is totally possible for young kids to enjoy water parks.

My kids are daredevils, so I waited until they were tall enough to ride some big slides to take them for the first time. And that was when my son was 2. He was definitely not the youngest kid enjoying the kiddie area, the lazy river, the wave pool. He was the youngest kid on the 3-story slides, but that was just because he is both fearless and exceedingly tall for his age.

I know my neighbor was taking her more timid child to waterparks when she was just learning to walk, around 12 months old.

Oh absolutely! My mom took niece (5) and nephew (2) to a local water park once a week over the summer.  They loved it!  There were a lot of age appropriate activities for them: splash pads, wadding pools, lazy river, slides... I actually think it would be hard for an adult to enjoy a water park while watching a little one.  You have to be hyper-vigilant!

The number of exes crying poverty because of child support and complaining about what (they percieve) the mother is spending the money on is probably somewhere in the millions. My ex did it. And a friend of mine's husband did it about his ex. I used to cringe when I'd hear him because it so echoed what my own ex would say. I had no idea whether his ex was a responsible mom or whether she squandered away every penny, but it was just so uncool to have to listen to it, especially since I was on the receiving end of it in my own situation.

My advice: ignore it, ignore it, ignore it. And NO, absolutely do not subsidize his activities with your child. That is not what the child support is for.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: MrsJWine on October 04, 2012, 02:55:37 PM
I did a bit of digging. It seems the OP posted that she was near her due date in June of 2011. So, we're talking about 16 months +- a month or so.

And, as part of that digging, it also seems clear that the soon to be ex has never been overly involved in taking care of his child. Sadly, that seems to be a continuing trend. OP, you have my sympathy.

Finally, of course you shouldn't pay for her Dad to take her somewhere. Especially if you weren't even asked first.

That's odd. I found one that said she'd just had the baby in March of 2011. So the baby could be even older. But that's still well under the age where most places would start charging admission for a child. Some water parks do have a lot of fun things for very young children, but even those don't charge fun children under 2, IME.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: wheeitsme on October 04, 2012, 04:15:50 PM
OP, I don't want you think that we are X-bashing.  My brother was an incredible divorced dad.  That's one of the reasons I feel I can safely say that you were right not to pay. It was  your STBXH job to cover himself and his child.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Knitterly on October 04, 2012, 07:59:21 PM
What a butt muffin.

Can I just say how much I love this phrase?!?!   >:D  And I agree.  Complete butt-muffin!

OP, I'm chiming my voice in with all the rest who said you are just fine.  Honestly, you're totally fine.  What your STBX does with his child when he has her is entirely his business.  If his friends pay, that's their business.  But they don't get to come after you for the money.  That's just ridiculous!

What next?  "You owe me $100 for the christmas gift I got her?"   ::)  No. 
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: kherbert05 on October 04, 2012, 09:29:13 PM
OP, I don't want you think that we are X-bashing.  My brother was an incredible divorced dad.  That's one of the reasons I feel I can safely say that you were right not to pay. It was  your STBXH job to cover himself and his child.


There are great fathers in the world, and horrible fathers. Same is true of mothers. In the case the OP is in the clear and her STBX is a jerk.


My BIL's X used to love to tell their daughter she couldn't do X, Y, Z because Dad wouldn't pay. For the record the only thing he refused to pay for was a subpar private school, when the public school she was zoned for was far superior.


It backfired on the X. When niece was old enough - they showed her records of the payments they had made that for activities she never got to do because her mom drank/gambled the money away. (Happened because she yelled at them about getting braces - Mom had told her it was their fault she wasn't getting them. They showed her the account they had set up with the ortho money in it.) Niece played a wicked stepmother in a play - said she had the perfect real life model - he Mom.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: martin8 on October 05, 2012, 05:49:30 AM
and while I didn't JADE

What does this mean? I'm guessing JADE is an acronym, but I can't figure what it's for.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: LeveeWoman on October 05, 2012, 05:54:50 AM
and while I didn't JADE

What does this mean? I'm guessing JADE is an acronym, but I can't figure what it's for.

Justify

Argue

Defend

Explain

Basically, when you JADE, you give others the opportunity to pick apart your reasons for doing--or not doing--something. To avoid this, you can tell others "That won't be possible" or something similar. Also, you can say "No" as a complete sentence. I'm sure others here can give more examples.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: martin8 on October 05, 2012, 05:57:07 AM
Ok, thanks.  I like this board, it's edjumactional.  ;)
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: LeveeWoman on October 05, 2012, 06:00:52 AM
Ok, thanks. I like this board, it's edjumactional.  ;)

E-Hell has helped install many spines of steel. Not only have I learned a great deal but I also am imparting that knowledge to my pre-teen son.
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Pandora on October 05, 2012, 06:57:49 AM
No, you do not owe him any money.

I also detect some severe manipulative behavior here. Someone said he's never going to speak to you again?

Count your many blessings, count them one by one ...... count your many blessings, look what God has done ..... :D
Title: Re: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right?
Post by: Twik on October 05, 2012, 08:41:15 AM
I somehow doubt that a year from now, STBXH will be viewed as such a "great guy" by his friends, when his extravagances cannot be made up by the OP.

Seriously - he goes to an expensive waterpark with no money, and just expects his friends to pay his way? I suspect that they'll get burned out on this really quickly.