Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Family and Children => Topic started by: Syrse on October 12, 2012, 03:52:52 PM

Title: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Syrse on October 12, 2012, 03:52:52 PM
Seems all I ever ask on these boards is baby related, sorry about that  :)

I gave birth last Saturday to a beautiful baby girl.
Now my husband is from a very large family: his grandmother, who is a really sweet person, had 9 kids. Of those 9, most of the boys ended up getting daughters, with the exception of a few. So while she has a lot of descendants, only three of her male grandchildren carry her husbands name. And of those three, my husband is the oldest.

When we went over to her place to tell her we were pregnant, the first thing she said to me was "and if it could only be a boy, that would mean the world to me." I bit my tongue, and she hastily added "but of course a girl would be lovely as well!"
Now I can see why this would be important to her, so I didn't make a fuss.

After the delivery my husband called her and told her it was a girl. I didn't hear the conversation, but he told me that she said it was a shame it wasn't a boy. Again, I tried not to let it get to me, after all she didn't say it right to my face this time.

A day later, she came to visit us at the hospital. Our baby was staying in the locked off area because of an infection, so only us as parents, and grandparents under supervision were allowed in. She seemed very happy, so my husband asked her if she wanted to go in and hold her. She sits down, and I hand her the baby (no worries there, she raised 9 of her own after all).
And the first, the very first thing out of her mouth is "and now all you need is a brother, don't you?"

... seriously? That's the very first thing you have to say when you're holding your newest great-grandchild? That she's not good enough?

It's upsetting me, but I really don't know how to respond to it. My husband understands where I'm coming from, but the general family consensus seems to be 'she doesn't mean it in a bad way, hers is a different generation, don't let it get to you'.

Part of me just really wants to go "oh no, we're done, one child is enough" the next time she brings up the brother bit again, but I suppose that would be e-Hell stuff  >:D

But yeah, what's a polite but firm way of putting an end to this before baby gets old enough to understand the undercurrent here? I can see where she had a preference, but I really do not want her voicing that in front of my kid. She has made her point, and now I would really like for her to shut up about it.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: booklover03 on October 12, 2012, 03:59:18 PM
I wish I knew what to tell you, but I'm bad at giving etiquette advice (which is why I'm here  :)). I just wanted to say congrats on your baby girl!
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: bonyk on October 12, 2012, 04:03:08 PM
"Nothing about her is a shame; she's perfect," or "She doesn't need a thing; she's perfect just as she is," stated as a fact.  If she responds, "Oh, but I so hoped for a boy!," you could reply, "But instead you go this perfect bundle of joy!  Lucky you!"

If she keeps it up, you may want to consider an ultimatum about spending time with her, but I think you can probably "retrain" her.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Calypso on October 12, 2012, 04:07:38 PM
Congratulations!

 You could say this with a smile, but still completely seriously "Grandma, we love you a lot, but if you ever, ever say that again when Baby can hear it....well, there's a reason why people talk about 'Mama Bears.' "

Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: #borecore on October 12, 2012, 04:10:52 PM
"Aw, I wish you enjoyed your great granddaughter as much as we do."

"How would you feel if someone were disappointed in you for not carrying on the (her maiden name) name? I hardly think that's fair."

"We plan to raise her to be a modern woman. She could pass on your name after all!"

Or the classic, strong statement, "We love her, no matter what."

"Be as disappointed as you like, but please keep it to yourself."

And congratulations!
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Hmmmmm on October 12, 2012, 04:16:01 PM
I sort of agree with your DH's family.  It would become a family joke for us.  I'd end up joking with something like "we can check into sex change surgery if a boy is so important to you." or "well, you need to have a discussion with DH's sperm to make sure they cooperate next time.". But if joking isn't appropriate in his family,  then a simple " we are very happy to have a girl.  Why are you so concerned with us having a boy?" might jog her into realizing how hurtful this is to you.

Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Jones on October 12, 2012, 04:23:59 PM
Snarky me would start calling GMIL "Grandfather". If being a female is so shameful, it would be an honor to her, no?

Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Iris on October 12, 2012, 04:38:21 PM
"Nothing about her is a shame; she's perfect," or "She doesn't need a thing; she's perfect just as she is," stated as a fact.  If she responds, "Oh, but I so hoped for a boy!," you could reply, "But instead you go this perfect bundle of joy!  Lucky you!"

If she keeps it up, you may want to consider an ultimatum about spending time with her, but I think you can probably "retrain" her.

I like bonyk's suggestions. I would also add that if she isn't picking up the hint after the first time or two I would add the action of taking the baby out of her arms as you say them. Not in a mean or obvious or grabby way, just smile, deliver your line and pick up baby for comfort.

I might also remind her that it's 2012 and women can KEEP their names these days, doncherknkow?

But most of all: Congratulations!
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: CharlieBraun on October 12, 2012, 05:12:12 PM
Congratulations on the bundle of love that entered your life!  Be ready for poopaggeddon in your future!

"Mrs. Wilson (note: not granny or grandma,) I think we would prefer that our child not refer to know that you are her grandmother, as her existence is a disappointment to you."

Too nuclear?  Don't care.

"Mrs. Wilson, we've checked out the costs for sex-reassignment surgery.  It runs about $50K, but since she can't have it until later in life, let's have you put aside the lump sum of $25K now so the full value will be there if and when she wants it."

Too snarky?  Don't care.

"Granny, I think it's time that we end your interaction with our beautiful daughter.  We love her with the factory installed options."
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: kherbert05 on October 12, 2012, 05:23:38 PM
I wouldn't hint your husband should tell her "We love our healthy baby girl. Drop the she should have been a boy stuff."
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Shoo on October 12, 2012, 05:49:20 PM
I wouldn't hint your husband should tell her "We love our healthy baby girl. Drop the she should have been a boy stuff."

I agree.  I think it's a mistake to beat around the bush.  This is a woman who is saying something really stupid, and hurtful.  Somebody needs to lower the boom. 
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: sweetonsno on October 12, 2012, 06:00:34 PM
My inclination would not be eHell-approved. I vote for asking hubby to have a word with her and then, if it doesn't work, starting in with scaling back on interactions.

I also vote for reminding her that women are allowed to keep their names. I fully intend to do so myself.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Winterlight on October 12, 2012, 06:47:59 PM
I wouldn't hint your husband should tell her "We love our healthy baby girl. Drop the she should have been a boy stuff."

This. She says it because she's being allowed to get away with saying it.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: LeveeWoman on October 12, 2012, 06:51:02 PM
I'd be tempted to point to my husband and say that it's his "input" that  determned the s*x of the baby.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: gramma dishes on October 12, 2012, 07:05:40 PM
You know, you have the right words right there.  Just look at her very solemnly and say them:

... seriously? That's the very first thing you have to say when you're holding your newest great-grandchild? That she's not good enough?

I would then immediately remove the baby from her arms and say "We won't allow her to hear that kind of nonsense.  Please don't ever say anything like that to her again."

I'm sure she really doesn't mean it that way, but what she's saying is incredibly offensive.  It is long past time that someone needs to TELL HER she's being offensive!  Most grandmothers and great grandmothers would be grateful and over the moon overjoyed that the baby is alive and  beautiful and normal and healthy. 
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: gramma dishes on October 12, 2012, 07:08:28 PM
Oh!  Almost forgot!  Congratulations to  you and your husband on your new family addition.  Hope we'll be seeing a picture or two of her in the near future!   :D
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: bonyk on October 12, 2012, 07:15:19 PM
I'd be tempted to point to my husband and say that it's his "input" that  determned the s*x of the baby.

But that doesn't address the issue of grandma saying she's disappointed.  It just says that it's DH's fault if she's disappointed.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: TootsNYC on October 12, 2012, 07:22:18 PM
I think I'd start saying, mildly, "I really don't like the implication that my baby isn't good enough because she's a girl," and then I'd take the baby away and walk out of the room.

Not a big scene, no nastiness, very mild.

But just remove any sort of interaction with your family. Immediately, promptly, noticeably, but quietly. Inexorably.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: still in va on October 12, 2012, 07:30:11 PM
I'd be tempted to point to my husband and say that it's his "input" that  determned the s*x of the baby.

oh thank you!  that was exactly what i was thinking when i started reading this thread, and didn't know how to express it.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: LeveeWoman on October 12, 2012, 07:31:20 PM
I'd be tempted to point to my husband and say that it's his "input" that  determned the s*x of the baby.

But that doesn't address the issue of grandma saying she's disappointed.  It just says that it's DH's fault if she's disappointed.

I was thinking of people who blame the mother for not having the s*x they wanted.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: still in va on October 12, 2012, 07:33:24 PM
I'd be tempted to point to my husband and say that it's his "input" that  determned the s*x of the baby.

But that doesn't address the issue of grandma saying she's disappointed.  It just says that it's DH's fault if she's disappointed.

no it doesn't.  i would remove my daughter from great-grandma's arms, smile sadly as i cuddled my daughter in close, and tell G-G "i'm sorry you're disappointed in having a healthy and beautiful great-granddaughter.  i'll be sure that she's not around you too often so you won't continue to feel disappointed in the future."
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: gmatoy on October 12, 2012, 07:45:26 PM
I don't know how to tell this story, but stop now if you are sensitive.

Someone made the mistake of complaining to my mother about the sex of their new grandchild. (Interestingly, they were unhappy to have a boy; they wanted a girl.) My mother looked at them and said, "Seriously, you are telling the person who just buried their grandchild that you aren't happy with a healthy baby?" Person apologized, but my mother said she never felt the same way about them.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Betelnut on October 12, 2012, 07:57:51 PM
Congratulations Syrse!
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: White Lotus on October 12, 2012, 07:59:50 PM
"But...we wanted a girl!"

I would be hard pressed to keep from slapping the old besom.  Our kids carry both of our surnames, and the Plum-Lotus is clan is happy we have both.  Our eldest, Sprout 1, is a girl, and if anybody said that to either of us, we would have blasted that person into next week.  Maybe next month.  We had more because we wanted more, not because we wanted a mixed litter, though that is what we ended up with.

Sex selection in favor of males because of this idiotic attitude is going to result in greater social value being attached to girls in time, especially since survival is now more connected to brains than brawn.  If you can work that in, it might help.

"Cow" is one of the more polite words that occurs to me.  I am seething. 
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: weeblewobble on October 12, 2012, 09:00:50 PM
She may be old and revered, but she's behaving like a rude, bacon-fed knave right now.  I don't know what to tell you other than to take the baby away from her when she says something like that and tell her you're sorry she's disappointed in a perfectly beautiful baby.   (Congratulations, by the way.  I'm thrilled for you!)

When I had my daughter and felt well enough to walk around a little, my mom took me an early morning for a tour of the maternity ward.  By coincidence, we happened upon a family I knew very well from high school.  They had three lovely sons, who were handsome and smart and kind boys.  But the family only seemed to produce boys!  When the oldest son's wife went in for her ultrasound and heard she was having a girl, the whole family was over-joyed. The grandparents offered to decorate the nursery and helped the mother pick out pink paint, princess themed bedding and curtains, dollies, the works.  The little closet was chock-full of frilly dresses and little Mary Jane shoes.   

And now, the wife was in labor and the whole family was gathered in the waiting room with pink roses, pink balloons, pink teddy bears.  We stopped to talk and they congratulated me on my baby girl.  While we were standing there, the new dad came out and announced that they'd had a baby boy.  The doctor assured the family that the baby was perfectly healthy, and that ultrasounds can be wrong sometimes.  Some of them were a little upset, but the grandpa just stood up and said, "Well, I think we need to meet him... and then go home to repaint the nursery before he comes home."

And that was that.

The family loves their now-much-bigger baby boy and the numerous grandsons they've had since.  They've never said one word in front of me about being disappointed in their completely sweet grandsons.  (They have one granddaughter, who rules with a tiny, but fair, iron fist.)

Adjustment.  They did it right.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: gramma dishes on October 12, 2012, 09:04:19 PM
...   Some of them were a little upset, but the grandpa just stood up and said, "Well, I think we need to meet him... and then go home to repaint the nursery before he comes home."  ...


Now that is one awesome Grandpa!!  (I sincerely hope that while they were repainting the baby's room, someone thought to also return the clothes to the store for a quick exchange.)   ;D
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: weeblewobble on October 12, 2012, 09:07:34 PM
...   Some of them were a little upset, but the grandpa just stood up and said, "Well, I think we need to meet him... and then go home to repaint the nursery before he comes home."  ...


Now that is one awesome Grandpa!!  (I sincerely hope that while they were repainting the baby's room, someone thought to also return the clothes to the store for a quick exchange.)   ;D

No, the clothes had been washed and readied for wear. :(  But I think a local Goodwill was made very happy when they donated the baby clothes.

Grandpa was pretty awesome. 
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: pinkyblue on October 12, 2012, 09:26:53 PM
Congratulations!  How exciting to have a new little one.  :)

I can't offer any better suggestions than the ones you already have here, but I sympathize and am glad you're thinking of ways to deal with the situation.  I was the first grandchild in our family.  My grandfather said, "Too bad it's a girl," and he and my grandmother only really celebrated and visited when my brother was born.  I didn't hear that comment from him, however; my mother told me what he said when I was old enough to understand it and feel hurt.  I'm glad your little girl has a mom who will defend her.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Amalthea on October 12, 2012, 09:36:50 PM
Good grief.  What does she expect you to say?  "Sorry, we'll take her back and exchange her for a boy"?
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: pinkyblue on October 12, 2012, 09:55:04 PM
I know - what on earth could the purpose of such a comment be?  I think the only option is to believe "they weren't thinking clearly, or they wouldn't have said such a thing," but the OP's situation and mine aren't the only ones I've heard of, by far, and so I can't take refuge in that belief/hope. 
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Allyson on October 12, 2012, 11:22:05 PM
"Please don't ever say anything like that again, especially in front of her! We don't want her to hear that she's a disappointment, and we don't agree."

As a semi aside, the 'want a boy to carry on the name' thing makes a lot of assumptions. That a boy will marry, that he will marry a woman, that he will have children, that his child will have his last name and not his wife's. That any children a daughter might have would *not* have her last name. These things are not all true now, and they will probably be even less of a safe assumption 20 or 30 years from now. (I feel the same way about things like 'I want a boy so he can play football with me' or 'I want a girl so I can put her in pretty dresses'.)
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: LifeOnPluto on October 13, 2012, 12:44:47 AM
"Please don't ever say anything like that again, especially in front of her! We don't want her to hear that she's a disappointment, and we don't agree."

As a semi aside, the 'want a boy to carry on the name' thing makes a lot of assumptions. That a boy will marry, that he will marry a woman, that he will have children, that his child will have his last name and not his wife's. That any children a daughter might have would *not* have her last name. These things are not all true now, and they will probably be even less of a safe assumption 20 or 30 years from now. (I feel the same way about things like 'I want a boy so he can play football with me' or 'I want a girl so I can put her in pretty dresses'.)

POD to the nth degree!

I'd reply with "Grandma, it's the 21st century. Women don't necessary have to take their husband's surnames upon marriage, and they can also give their children THEIR surname if they choose. So please bear in mind that DD's children may very well carry our surname."

Another thing to consider - the "passing on one's surname" thing is only as good as the next generation. So even if you DID have a son, he could very well have daughters (whose children then get their father's surname). So having a son is no guarantee that one's surname will endure for a long time.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: AylaM on October 13, 2012, 06:58:05 AM
People can get so weird about this.  My grandmother kept urging her sons to have boys.  Until this past coupe of years all of her grandchildren were female, and to my knowledge, her husband was an only child.  So she kept telling couples that they should have another one so that they could have a boy to carry on the family name.

But she was never crass enough to say anything about being disappointed once the gender was actually known.

That is not to say that she doesn't have her moments.  There was a particularly  :o moment when she told her very young (but not quite a newborn) granddaughter that she would be disowned if she dared to become a lesbian.

That being said, if grandma only said it once, upon finding out the gender,  I'd chalk it up to a moment of thoughtlessness. I'd not like it, but it wouldn't be a huge deal. But more than once I agree with previous posters that say she does it because she's been allowed to get away with it.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: DistantStar on October 13, 2012, 09:30:17 AM
"Please don't ever say anything like that again, especially in front of her! We don't want her to hear that she's a disappointment, and we don't agree."

I would drop the "please."  And I would say "She is not a disappointment!  She is our daughter!"  There would probably be fire coming out of my ears as well.

But for me this would be a hill to die on.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Allyson on October 13, 2012, 10:44:02 AM
That is not to say that she doesn't have her moments.  There was a particularly  :o moment when she told her very young (but not quite a newborn) granddaughter that she would be disowned if she dared to become a lesbian.

...wow. I have to ask, what did everyone else say to that one?
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Slartibartfast on October 13, 2012, 11:08:59 AM
I got the opposite - a lady at church told me I was lucky our first child was a girl, so she can help me take care of all the others  ::)  (SO many assumptions in that statement!)

DH's grandmother was disappointed when we had two girls - FIL is an only child, DH is FIL's only biological child and only son (the SILs are DH's half-sisters), and we're not planning on any more kids.  DH's family has a tradition where the first boy in each generation shares the same first name - James Middlename Lastname - and they all go by their middle names.  We would have done James Ian if Bittybartfast had been a boy, but she's not so that's that.  GMIL likes the idea of little dresses and girly frou-frou, though, so if she's complained it's not to us  :)
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Firecat on October 13, 2012, 11:17:01 AM
"Please don't ever say anything like that again, especially in front of her! We don't want her to hear that she's a disappointment, and we don't agree."

I would drop the "please."  And I would say "She is not a disappointment!  She is our daughter!"  There would probably be fire coming out of my ears as well.

But for me this would be a hill to die on.

POD. I don't have children, but if I did, anyone who expressed disappointment about the gender would be having a deeply unpleasant conversation with me, on the spot. Having been on the receiving end of such comments when I was younger, I can testify that they do hurt, and they do get remembered.

So I would drop the please, and go with a very firm, preferably deadly cold voice, and say something like, "Do.Not.EVER. say anything like that again. She is our daughter, not a disappointment." Take the baby back (if necessary) and walk out of the room.

And if anyone else in the family is foolish enough to interfere with something like "that's just how Grandma is," tell them "Do you honestly think that the girls old enough to understand what she's saying aren't hurt by it? I will NOT have my daughter treated in that fashion." You may well get some flack for upsetting Grandma or rocking the boat, but be firm, and remind them that what Grandma said was very upsetting to you. Talk to your DH; he should be supporting you in this.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: JoieGirl7 on October 13, 2012, 11:18:12 AM
Granma is not going to scar your child by making a comment like this.  Just tell your child the same things that others have been trying to tell you: "she doesn't mean it in a bad way, hers is a different generation, don't let it get to you."

You can tell her, of course, that you are offended by the comment and to please not voice around you, but schooling Granma on modern thought is not likely to do any good.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: LadyClaire on October 13, 2012, 11:19:44 AM
My MIL said similar things when my SIL got pregnant and they found out it was a boy. MIL has all grandsons, so was quite disappointed to discover that it was going to be yet another boy. She said something like "great..another stinking boy" when the gender was revealed. BIL has told DH and me that we'd better hope we have a girl when we get pregnant, just to placate MIL.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Firecat on October 13, 2012, 11:20:12 AM
Granma is not going to scar your child by making a comment like this.  Just tell your child the same things that others have been trying to tell you: "she doesn't mean it in a bad way, hers is a different generation, don't let it get to you."

You can tell her, of course, that you are offended by the comment and to please not voice around you, but schooling Granma on modern thought is not likely to do any good.

I disagree completely. Grandma can continue to be a misogynist if she wants to...but she can also be trained to keep her mouth shut around the OP and her daughter.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: jemma on October 13, 2012, 11:26:47 AM
I'm not sure how old great grandma is, but it is worth remembering that the elderly often lose their inhibitions.  I think it would be mean to deny her access to her family if she is saying this type of thing due to the side effects of getting old.  If she said that when her sons had daughters I think being harsh is more justifiable, but as a mother of two daughters I would probably just explain that great grandma is old and doesn't think clearly, or she would know that your daughter is exactly who she is supposed to be.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: gramma dishes on October 13, 2012, 11:28:01 AM
...   "she doesn't mean it in a bad way, hers is a different generation, don't let it get to you."


I respectfully disagree.  I'm 70 and my Mom died seven years ago at the age of 98.  Her own parents (and my Dad's) died long before that, of course.  NONE of them would ever, ever, ever have said such a totally inappropriate thing.  The only thing that mattered was that the baby was okay.  So "different generation" has nothing to do with it.  Maybe it's a 'location' thing.

I think someone should tell Great Grandma that that reaction to baby girls (or any girl great grandchildren) is hurtful and terribly inappropriate and that she may be limiting her ability to see and interact with her girl grandchildren if she keeps spouting that nonsense.  By just accepting that "this is how she is" no one is giving her a chance to correct herself.  She isn't too old to learn.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: JoieGirl7 on October 13, 2012, 11:30:41 AM
Granma is not going to scar your child by making a comment like this.  Just tell your child the same things that others have been trying to tell you: "she doesn't mean it in a bad way, hers is a different generation, don't let it get to you."

You can tell her, of course, that you are offended by the comment and to please not voice around you, but schooling Granma on modern thought is not likely to do any good.

I disagree completely. Grandma can continue to be a misogynist if she wants to...but she can also be trained to keep her mouth shut around the OP and her daughter.

Granma is not a dog to be trained.  You can request that someone  not voice certain things around you.  If they refuse you can take your leave of them.  But adults do not train each other.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Tea Drinker on October 13, 2012, 01:32:58 PM
I'm not sure how old great grandma is, but it is worth remembering that the elderly often lose their inhibitions.  I think it would be mean to deny her access to her family if she is saying this type of thing due to the side effects of getting old.  If she said that when her sons had daughters I think being harsh is more justifiable, but as a mother of two daughters I would probably just explain that great grandma is old and doesn't think clearly, or she would know that your daughter is exactly who she is supposed to be.

In some ways, I think that would make it worse. It's bad enough to have a relative who will say "it's too bad she's not a boy," worse to know that that relative sincerely believes that. It's not a joke, it's an actual belief that there's something wrong with the baby. I don't think someone who considers a baby inferior because of her gender is entitled to access, or likely to be a good influence. So I'd go with something like "I'm sorry you don't consider girls satisfactory, but of course we won't make you spend time with her. Please hand me my wonderful daughter" if great-grandma was holding her in the first place.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Oh Joy on October 13, 2012, 01:38:44 PM
Congratulations!

I have a healthy twelve-day-old son...wanna switch?   ;)

I'm going to swim a bit against the tide here.  Granny's not being thoughtful or considerate, but I don't interpret her comments as that heinous.  I hear 'Universe, I wish there was a boy' rather than 'Baby Girl, I wish you were a boy.'  I do hope she tones it down, but I wouldn't take it as a slight against your pink bundle.

Best wishes.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: DistantStar on October 13, 2012, 02:58:33 PM
POD. I don't have children, but if I did, anyone who expressed disappointment about the gender would be having a deeply unpleasant conversation with me, on the spot.

I don't have children either but I know how I'd react.  And if such comments continued, it'd be Cut Direct time.  There is a difference between hoping for a boy but being happy with the beautiful new girl, and expressing to a child that she is a girl and that is somehow a disappointing thing.  Nobody would get away with that with a daughter of mine.

Heck, I managed to be disappointed for only about thirty seconds when my hoped-for baby sister turned out to be my baby brother that morning when I got the call reporting all was well, and I was barely eight.  I would hope Grandma, or whoever, would be able to do the same thing -- or at least keep quiet about it.

And congratulations to all with new ones!   :)
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: ClaireC79 on October 13, 2012, 03:00:42 PM
I actually remember one MOTHER saying as soon as her son was born 'another ***** boy' as she fished him out of the water and held him - 15 seconds later she was horrifed they were her first words to her son, doesn't mean she loves him any less
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: jane7166 on October 13, 2012, 03:18:34 PM
I grew up in an extended family where boys were much more prized than girls.  Funny how that  tendency changes when it's the girls who do all the dirty work for the aged son-lovers. 

However, the hurt is permanent.  I would make sure Grandma is told that her time with this grandchild will be limited if she keeps spouting those gender preferences. 

I don't know why some people think every thought that they have needs to be spoken. 
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: gramma dishes on October 13, 2012, 03:26:42 PM

...   I don't know why some people think every thought that they have needs to be spoken.

I don't know why some people even have such thoughts!!   :-\
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Iris on October 13, 2012, 05:32:59 PM

...   I don't know why some people think every thought that they have needs to be spoken.

I don't know why some people even have such thoughts!!   :-\

I don't know, my mother has 5 granddaughters and no prospect of any grandsons. One day she did say wistfully "A grandson would have been nice..." I looked at her, and she laughed and said "I know that came out badly, I love the girls, I do. But it would have been nice to have ONE boy..." I just told her that she better keep that thought to ME, her daughter, and not share it with DILs or she'd be risking family harmony.

I did know what she meant though. NOT that she'd change any of her granddaughters, NOT that she thought boys were better, NOT that she thought girls were less good. Simply that she would have liked it if as well as her lovely granddaughters that she loves there had also been a grandson to love.

I'm not as harsh on the Grandma in the OP as others, I guess, because I don't think it's inherently wrong to want a baby to be a particular gender. I really wanted DD1 to be a girl (lucky!) - I couldn't even tell you why, I just did. Would I have loved DS1, had he eventuated? Sure would have. But I may have had some fleeting disappointment in the first few days and I don't think that would make me a monster. Grandma said "and now all you need is a brother" to baby, NOT "if only you were a boy". I would shut her down, but I'd do it as nicely as possible and I really don't think it is cause for the cut direct unless it goes a lot further than it has so far.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: SPuck on October 13, 2012, 09:04:54 PM
I think this situation is different from some of the slip of the tongues people have mentioned (even though some are admittedly outrageous) because the grandmother has mentioned the boy thing three times already. I think if she says something a fourth time the OP should say something. Being old and saying innocent ignorant stuff does not give a person a free pass to say stuff.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Firecat on October 13, 2012, 10:08:50 PM
Granma is not going to scar your child by making a comment like this.  Just tell your child the same things that others have been trying to tell you: "she doesn't mean it in a bad way, hers is a different generation, don't let it get to you."

You can tell her, of course, that you are offended by the comment and to please not voice around you, but schooling Granma on modern thought is not likely to do any good.

I disagree completely. Grandma can continue to be a misogynist if she wants to...but she can also be trained to keep her mouth shut around the OP and her daughter.

Granma is not a dog to be trained.  You can request that someone  not voice certain things around you.  If they refuse you can take your leave of them.  But adults do not train each other.

Sure they do. Just recently at work, I trained a new temporary person on some of her duties. I've trained new coworkers in most of the jobs I've held over the years.

And in a way it would be training Grandma...when Grandma doesn't say hateful things (and I do consider those comments to be misogynist, and therefore hateful), Grandma gets time with the OP, the OP's DH, and their daughter. If Grandma says hateful things, she doesn't get that time. Maybe training is the wrong word...but it is, in a sense, encouraging Grandma to modify her behavior.

Grandma still gets to make the choice, of course - she can certainly continue to express her "boys are better" ideas if she wishes. She just wouldn't get to make the choice of continuing to make the comments and spending time with the baby. The OP can't force Grandma to change her views...if Grandma really believes boys are better, there's nothing the OP can do about that. But the OP can remove her daughter if Grandma expresses those sentiments. If Grandma wants to spend time with the baby, that would mean Grandma's behavior on this topic changes.   

Not everyone may consider the comments to be hateful, and Grandma probably doesn't have hateful intent. But she is essentially saying that boys are better. The OP's daughter is going to get the message that boys are better in lots of other places...she doesn't need it from people who are supposed to love her.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: CakeEater on October 14, 2012, 12:54:06 AM
The fact that it's great-grandma here makes it less bad for me. Firstly, because I think the generational thing does come into play here. In her day, attitudes were different, and the inability to change them isn't evidence of a lack of love. My grandmother, who is probably the same age, always gave boys/men in our family better cuts of meat. That's just how she grew up. In lots of other ways, she showed me that she loved me, so I didn't let it scar me.

Secondly, how many of us really remember our great-grandparents very well? How many of us are shaped by their attitudes toward us. If it was grandma, it might be more important to make a stand here, but unless GG is relatively young, DD is unlikely to ever remember anything she ever said.

Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Shopaholic on October 14, 2012, 01:41:29 AM
"Aww, I'm sure your grandmother said the same thing when you were born!"
 >:D
OK, all evil aside I'd ignore her for the time being. If she continued, then I'd tell her that every child is a blessing, and that you are thrilled with your newborn.

As you should be.
Congratulations!
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: fountainof on October 14, 2012, 09:34:31 AM
I think the problem I have with this grandmother is that she said the boy sentiment more than once and she does have other grandsons.  To hope there are both boys and girls in the family is fine, to say in effect while holding a newborn girl that the next thing she needs is a brother is offensive. 

I personally wouldn't put up with it regardless of GGMs place in the family but I am like that.  Even in my husband's family who would have been more tradional he would have told his GM to "knock off the boy BS" if she dared say something so offensive.  I don't care about how you grew up or what was tradional you cannot go around and be offensive just because you are old and the world was different.  I wouldn't support any family member saying the N word and I wouldn't support someone saying directly to my face essentially "hopefully the next one will be a boy".
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Syrse on October 14, 2012, 09:57:20 AM
OP here.

Thanks for all your wishes and views  :)

The first time she said it she did hastily correct herself by saying a girl would be just as welcome.
But she wants a great-grandchild with the family name, and that's basically it. She loves all of her great-grandchildren, but for some reason she's just very hung up on the continuation of the line.
So in retrospect, it's not as much a 'I wish it was a boy', as a 'I wish there was a boy'.

She called up my DH since the hospital a couple of times, to ask how we all were doing. All in all she's very enthusiastic. So I think I'll let the previous comment slide as a slip of the tongue, but if she ever repeats it in front of my child, I might use one of the suggested quotes to gently tell her off.
And if she starts about a brother I'll point her in the direction of the other two nephews  ;) I'm not about to start the second one so soon.

It also might be I'm taking it a bit too personal: I was supposed to be a boy myself  ;) But I came out a girl, so that meant my parents had to have another kid. I'm not exactly sure what the backup plan was if my brother turned out to be a girl as well. So I actually did grow up with the feel that I wasn't good enough. It's not a happy feeling, and I'd rather save my daughter from it.

But some posters make a very valid point; DH's grandmother is 87. The odds of my girl picking up on those few slips are not that big. It might not be a hill to die on.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: strawbabies on October 14, 2012, 05:14:37 PM
My dad was the only one of three boys in his family to have children.  My parents had the opposite problem, though.  My grandmother apparently wanted the family line to end.  How do I know?  When my parents told her they were pregnant with me, her response was, "If it's a boy, I hope it dies."   :'(  My male cousin was her favorite grandchild, so I guess she was ok with her daughters having boys.

Why they didn't give her the cut direct, I have no idea.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Hmmmmm on October 14, 2012, 05:21:41 PM
OP here.

Thanks for all your wishes and views  :)

The first time she said it she did hastily correct herself by saying a girl would be just as welcome.
But she wants a great-grandchild with the family name, and that's basically it. She loves all of her great-grandchildren, but for some reason she's just very hung up on the continuation of the line.
So in retrospect, it's not as much a 'I wish it was a boy', as a 'I wish there was a boy'.

She called up my DH since the hospital a couple of times, to ask how we all were doing. All in all she's very enthusiastic. So I think I'll let the previous comment slide as a slip of the tongue, but if she ever repeats it in front of my child, I might use one of the suggested quotes to gently tell her off.
And if she starts about a brother I'll point her in the direction of the other two nephews  ;) I'm not about to start the second one so soon.

It also might be I'm taking it a bit too personal: I was supposed to be a boy myself  ;) But I came out a girl, so that meant my parents had to have another kid. I'm not exactly sure what the backup plan was if my brother turned out to be a girl as well. So I actually did grow up with the feel that I wasn't good enough. It's not a happy feeling, and I'd rather save my daughter from it.

But some posters make a very valid point; DH's grandmother is 87. The odds of my girl picking up on those few slips are not that big. It might not be a hill to die on.

If your DD ever does pick up on it, make it a joke.  As the 4th DD, and 8th grand daughter, and most definately last of both, the fact that I was another girl was always a family joke.  All my sisters and cousins were just prototypes until they were able to get the perfect girl, me. 
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: kherbert05 on October 14, 2012, 06:23:31 PM
My dad was the only one of three boys in his family to have children.  My parents had the opposite problem, though.  My grandmother apparently wanted the family line to end.  How do I know?  When my parents told her they were pregnant with me, her response was, "If it's a boy, I hope it dies."   :'(  My male cousin was her favorite grandchild, so I guess she was ok with her daughters having boys.

Why they didn't give her the cut direct, I have no idea.
cut direct - no the family as a whole should have abandoned her. Let her live out her life alone. She should never have been allowed near a child after that comment.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: bopper on October 14, 2012, 09:01:29 PM
Evilbopper says (to baby): "It's such a shame your grandma isn't an idiot."

Bopper says nothing. She is speechless.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: gramma dishes on October 14, 2012, 09:02:40 PM
Evilbopper says (to baby): "It's such a shame your grandma isn't an idiot."  ...



 ???  But Grandma is an idiot!
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: JonGirl on October 15, 2012, 05:07:10 PM



If Granny dosen't like that this baby is a girl, then Granny dosen't have to look at it.  >:(
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Sirius on October 15, 2012, 07:52:57 PM
I had to listen my entire life to how my parents were told I was a boy at first, then how disappointed they were when they found out I wasn't.  Don't let that happen to your little girl, OP. 

Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Venus193 on October 15, 2012, 08:57:50 PM
Add me to the list who say that grandmother needs to be called out on this.  Nothing bothers me more in this situation than this antiquated sexist garbage.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: kherbert05 on October 15, 2012, 09:23:46 PM
I pitched a fit when my Sister was born. Seems I wanted a brother - an older brother like my best friend had. I was 3 and had a little difficulty with a couple of concepts. Sis brought me baby go bye bye (had a "walker" that you programmed by putting pegs in holes and it would take different paths around the room) - so I let her come in the house.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: gramma dishes on October 15, 2012, 09:35:27 PM
I pitched a fit when my Sister was born. Seems I wanted a brother - an older brother like my best friend had. I was 3 and had a little difficulty with a couple of concepts. Sis brought me baby go bye bye (had a "walker" that you programmed by putting pegs in holes and it would take different paths around the room) - so I let her come in the house.

Darn your parents!!  They just couldn't get anything right, could they?  What good is a baby sister when you wanted a big brother?  Simple request.  Why didn't they just listen?

The other thing you mentioned though, back when my kids were born mothers and babies stayed in the hospital three days.  So each day that we were gone, the new baby sent back gifts to the older sibling(s).  My kids were very accepting of the new babies, since hey!  How bad can that baby be?  It sends presents!   ;D
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: AfleetAlex on October 16, 2012, 09:35:38 AM
One phrase used in our family, said mildly, is "You've made your point." (Tone is everything here; if you can say it with a smile, maybe your grandmother will realize she's gone on too much about wanting a boy.)

And congrats!!
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: DavidH on October 16, 2012, 02:10:38 PM
If she's a generally horrible person, the any of the various nuclear options suggested are fine, but you have to decide do you want to start a war over this. 

Another option is along the lines of what you've posted. Something like I understand that you wish there were also a boy, but we need to put an end to this before baby gets old enough to understand what you're actually saying. but I really do not want you voicing that in front of my kid. You've made her point, and now I would really like for you to drop it.





Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Pioneer on October 16, 2012, 02:24:51 PM
Congratulations on your new daughter! 

We have four daughters.  Our eldest was the first female in 7-8 generations of baby boys.  Once in awhile, someone asks my husband if he doesn't wish he had a son.  His response?  "Eh, they'll each bring me one someday."

I love that man.

And one of my favorite quotes?  "Boys will be boys.  Girls will become women." 
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Giggity on October 16, 2012, 02:37:40 PM

...   I don't know why some people think every thought that they have needs to be spoken.

I don't know why some people even have such thoughts!!   :-\

Many cultures place a high value on boy children. It's understandable that people brought up in those cultures would "have such thoughts."
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Venus193 on October 16, 2012, 02:39:32 PM
Congratulations on your new daughter! 

We have four daughters.  Our eldest was the first female in 7-8 generations of baby boys.  Once in awhile, someone asks my husband if he doesn't wish he had a son.  His response?  "Eh, they'll each bring me one someday."

I love that man.

And one of my favorite quotes?  "Boys will be boys.  Girls will become women."

I nominate your husband for Man of the Year!
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Pioneer on October 16, 2012, 02:45:26 PM
Thanks, I agree.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy", lilacrosey
Post by: LilacRosey on October 16, 2012, 10:31:25 PM
Girls are bad now uh oh. Good luck I dont know how to handle this it sounds rough I'm sorry.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: HermioneGranger on October 17, 2012, 05:30:12 AM

...   I don't know why some people think every thought that they have needs to be spoken.

I don't know why some people even have such thoughts!!   :-\

Many cultures place a high value on boy children. It's understandable that people brought up in those cultures would "have such thoughts."

I was once, after being congratulated on my daughter, asked if we would be trying for a son next.  Um, no.  She's perfect. 
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: LeveeWoman on October 17, 2012, 06:01:13 AM
When the ultra-sound technician showed me I was having a boy, I moaned and said, "Oh, no!" Everyone looked at me, some with a shocked expression. I said, "I don't know anything about boys!" All of my cousins but one were girls and I had a sister. I didn't know anything about sports or hunting or the other traditional male activities.

Hoo, boy! I've learned a lot about boys over the years, and I wouldn't trade him for a girl any day of the week.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Venus193 on October 17, 2012, 07:44:38 AM
My cousin said the same thing.  However, she has two boys and she's fine with that.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: LeveeWoman on October 17, 2012, 08:47:01 AM
My cousin said the same thing.  However, she has two boys and she's fine with that.

I knew this would be my only child as I was going through a divorce at the time, and I couldn't imagine getting married again.

He's been more fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: BeagleMommy on October 17, 2012, 12:17:33 PM
Congratulations on the new itty bitty.

Why not try this:

GG:  "Blah, blah, wish I had a grandson"
You:  (in Eeyore voice) "So you've said"
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: kareng57 on October 17, 2012, 10:17:09 PM

...   I don't know why some people think every thought that they have needs to be spoken.

I don't know why some people even have such thoughts!!   :-\

Many cultures place a high value on boy children. It's understandable that people brought up in those cultures would "have such thoughts."

I was once, after being congratulated on my daughter, asked if we would be trying for a son next.  Um, no.  She's perfect.


In all fairness - I don't think that whoever asked this (as inappropriate as the question was) was necessarily indicating a preference for boys.  Parents of single-sexes (i.e. one or more children of the same sex) are routinely asked this, as though a family is somehow incomplete for not having children of both sexes.  It can happen just as easily when the parents have one or more boys, and no girls.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: HermioneGranger on October 18, 2012, 07:54:08 AM

...   I don't know why some people think every thought that they have needs to be spoken.

I don't know why some people even have such thoughts!!   :-\

Many cultures place a high value on boy children. It's understandable that people brought up in those cultures would "have such thoughts."

I was once, after being congratulated on my daughter, asked if we would be trying for a son next.  Um, no.  She's perfect.


In all fairness - I don't think that whoever asked this (as inappropriate as the question was) was necessarily indicating a preference for boys.  Parents of single-sexes (i.e. one or more children of the same sex) are routinely asked this, as though a family is somehow incomplete for not having children of both sexes.  It can happen just as easily when the parents have one or more boys, and no girls.

They're from a culture that values boys far more than girls.  They're very nice people, and fairly Westernized, but the way he said it he wasn't joking.  He was serious.  My husband and I just laughed and rolled our eyes afterwards.  We're one and done. 
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: ncmom22 on October 18, 2012, 04:00:57 PM
I had to smile as when I had my boys, I heard the opposite.  They said was I sad that I didn't have a girl!  I told them of course not!  I love my boys and wouldn't change them for anything.  I hope she won't make any more comments like that and truly enjoy your little girl.  Hearty congratulations on her!
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: DistantStar on October 19, 2012, 06:24:43 PM
I think the issue here is that there is a difference between "too bad it isn't a boy" coming from somebody who comes from a culture where boys are more valued no matter what, and somebody who might due to other reasons (say, a pile of girls in the family) say something like that just because a boy would be different or something along those lines.  I think there's two different threads going on here.

The first would be my hill to die on.  The second I could laugh off, depending on the situation.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: fluffy on October 21, 2012, 01:07:38 PM
The fact that it's great-grandma here makes it less bad for me. Firstly, because I think the generational thing does come into play here. In her day, attitudes were different, and the inability to change them isn't evidence of a lack of love. My grandmother, who is probably the same age, always gave boys/men in our family better cuts of meat. That's just how she grew up. In lots of other ways, she showed me that she loved me, so I didn't let it scar me.

Secondly, how many of us really remember our great-grandparents very well? How many of us are shaped by their attitudes toward us. If it was grandma, it might be more important to make a stand here, but unless GG is relatively young, DD is unlikely to ever remember anything she ever said.

That's not necessarily true. I had a great grandmother who lived until I was in my early 20's.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: CakeEater on October 21, 2012, 04:10:06 PM
The fact that it's great-grandma here makes it less bad for me. Firstly, because I think the generational thing does come into play here. In her day, attitudes were different, and the inability to change them isn't evidence of a lack of love. My grandmother, who is probably the same age, always gave boys/men in our family better cuts of meat. That's just how she grew up. In lots of other ways, she showed me that she loved me, so I didn't let it scar me.

Secondly, how many of us really remember our great-grandparents very well? How many of us are shaped by their attitudes toward us. If it was grandma, it might be more important to make a stand here, but unless GG is relatively young, DD is unlikely to ever remember anything she ever said.

That's not necessarily true. I had a great grandmother who lived until I was in my early 20's.

I'm being genuinely curious here, not sarcastic, although I can't work out how to write this without making it sound sarcastic.

How involved was she in your life? Did her attitudes or opinions form any part of your identity?

I had a great-grandmother until I was 16 (I know that's a number of years difference to your situation), and I can't say that she had much to do with forming those things in my case.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Sharnita on October 21, 2012, 06:51:50 PM
I think it can really depend. I know students who have great grandmothers who had kids at 16 or younger, became grandparents int heir early 30s and great grandparents by mid forties.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: jedikaiti on October 21, 2012, 08:02:03 PM
I wish I'd gotten to meet all 4 of my grandparents, but my paternal grandfather died when my Dad was so young he really doesn't remember him, and my paternal grandmother died about 10 years before I was born. But my maternal grandparents were great, very involved, and apparently felt that retirement was to be spent travelling and spoiling the granddaughter. :-)
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: edgypeanuts on October 21, 2012, 09:47:58 PM
The fact that it's great-grandma here makes it less bad for me. Firstly, because I think the generational thing does come into play here. In her day, attitudes were different, and the inability to change them isn't evidence of a lack of love. My grandmother, who is probably the same age, always gave boys/men in our family better cuts of meat. That's just how she grew up. In lots of other ways, she showed me that she loved me, so I didn't let it scar me.

Secondly, how many of us really remember our great-grandparents very well? How many of us are shaped by their attitudes toward us. If it was grandma, it might be more important to make a stand here, but unless GG is relatively young, DD is unlikely to ever remember anything she ever said.

That's not necessarily true. I had a great grandmother who lived until I was in my early 20's.

I'm being genuinely curious here, not sarcastic, although I can't work out how to write this without making it sound sarcastic.

How involved was she in your life? Did her attitudes or opinions form any part of your identity?

I had a great-grandmother until I was 16 (I know that's a number of years difference to your situation), and I can't say that she had much to do with forming those things in my case.

I'm sure there is a wide array of how involved grandparents and great grandparents are in the lives of individuals.  I only got to know 1 grandparent and she did have an affect on my life.  My mom is in her 70s and has a very close relationship with her great-grandchildren. 
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: CakeEater on October 22, 2012, 02:26:29 AM
The fact that it's great-grandma here makes it less bad for me. Firstly, because I think the generational thing does come into play here. In her day, attitudes were different, and the inability to change them isn't evidence of a lack of love. My grandmother, who is probably the same age, always gave boys/men in our family better cuts of meat. That's just how she grew up. In lots of other ways, she showed me that she loved me, so I didn't let it scar me.

Secondly, how many of us really remember our great-grandparents very well? How many of us are shaped by their attitudes toward us. If it was grandma, it might be more important to make a stand here, but unless GG is relatively young, DD is unlikely to ever remember anything she ever said.

That's not necessarily true. I had a great grandmother who lived until I was in my early 20's.

I'm being genuinely curious here, not sarcastic, although I can't work out how to write this without making it sound sarcastic.

How involved was she in your life? Did her attitudes or opinions form any part of your identity?

I had a great-grandmother until I was 16 (I know that's a number of years difference to your situation), and I can't say that she had much to do with forming those things in my case.

I'm sure there is a wide array of how involved grandparents and great grandparents are in the lives of individuals.  I only got to know 1 grandparent and she did have an affect on my life.  My mom is in her 70s and has a very close relationship with her great-grandchildren.

I get that individual situations can vary widely. On the whole, though, g-grandparents will be less involved and have less impact on the lives of g-grandkids.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: alis on October 22, 2012, 08:25:54 AM
I have been pregnant with 4. 2 singletons, 1 twin pregnancy. This will be my 2nd child (and the surviving twin). The only responses I have gotten to "it's a boy" are...

"Oh"
"That's a shame"
"Too bad"
"Oh, maybe you'll get a girl one day"
(#1 is a boy as well)

:(

These are of course, stranger comments, because my family is well aware that I lost 2 pregnancies. I wish people could stop to think that perhaps the gender is the least of many worries for some of us.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Minmom3 on October 22, 2012, 10:03:39 AM
"Gee, and here I was just hoping it WOULD BE ALIVE?  No?  Asking too much?"

Sigh.  Sorry people are being so oblivious.  DH's response every time somebody said something stupid to or in front of him, was "We don't care what sex, we just want healthy!"  Over and over again. 
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: ellebelle on October 23, 2012, 12:12:42 PM
The fact that it's great-grandma here makes it less bad for me. Firstly, because I think the generational thing does come into play here. In her day, attitudes were different, and the inability to change them isn't evidence of a lack of love. My grandmother, who is probably the same age, always gave boys/men in our family better cuts of meat. That's just how she grew up. In lots of other ways, she showed me that she loved me, so I didn't let it scar me.

Secondly, how many of us really remember our great-grandparents very well? How many of us are shaped by their attitudes toward us. If it was grandma, it might be more important to make a stand here, but unless GG is relatively young, DD is unlikely to ever remember anything she ever said.

That's not necessarily true. I had a great grandmother who lived until I was in my early 20's.

I'm being genuinely curious here, not sarcastic, although I can't work out how to write this without making it sound sarcastic.

How involved was she in your life? Did her attitudes or opinions form any part of your identity?

I had a great-grandmother until I was 16 (I know that's a number of years difference to your situation), and I can't say that she had much to do with forming those things in my case.

I had my Great-Gradma until I was almost 30 and she was a HUGE part of my life. She was very active up until her death. She is such a part of who I am and how I think about the world.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: Firecat on October 23, 2012, 12:36:02 PM
The fact that it's great-grandma here makes it less bad for me. Firstly, because I think the generational thing does come into play here. In her day, attitudes were different, and the inability to change them isn't evidence of a lack of love. My grandmother, who is probably the same age, always gave boys/men in our family better cuts of meat. That's just how she grew up. In lots of other ways, she showed me that she loved me, so I didn't let it scar me.

Secondly, how many of us really remember our great-grandparents very well? How many of us are shaped by their attitudes toward us. If it was grandma, it might be more important to make a stand here, but unless GG is relatively young, DD is unlikely to ever remember anything she ever said.

That's not necessarily true. I had a great grandmother who lived until I was in my early 20's.

I'm being genuinely curious here, not sarcastic, although I can't work out how to write this without making it sound sarcastic.

How involved was she in your life? Did her attitudes or opinions form any part of your identity?

I had a great-grandmother until I was 16 (I know that's a number of years difference to your situation), and I can't say that she had much to do with forming those things in my case.

I had my Great-Gradma until I was almost 30 and she was a HUGE part of my life. She was very active up until her death. She is such a part of who I am and how I think about the world.

My maternal grandfather's mother was with us until I was in high school. I have some very fond memories of her, and in fact still have the last pair of mittens she knitted for me, as well as a few other things she made, including some of her recipes that she copied for me. She is definitely a part of who I am, and I would have been devastated if she had implied that I should have been a boy when I was old enough to understand the words.
Title: Re: "It's such a shame your baby isn't a boy"
Post by: fluffy on October 27, 2012, 08:26:12 PM
The fact that it's great-grandma here makes it less bad for me. Firstly, because I think the generational thing does come into play here. In her day, attitudes were different, and the inability to change them isn't evidence of a lack of love. My grandmother, who is probably the same age, always gave boys/men in our family better cuts of meat. That's just how she grew up. In lots of other ways, she showed me that she loved me, so I didn't let it scar me.

Secondly, how many of us really remember our great-grandparents very well? How many of us are shaped by their attitudes toward us. If it was grandma, it might be more important to make a stand here, but unless GG is relatively young, DD is unlikely to ever remember anything she ever said.

That's not necessarily true. I had a great grandmother who lived until I was in my early 20's.

I'm being genuinely curious here, not sarcastic, although I can't work out how to write this without making it sound sarcastic.

How involved was she in your life? Did her attitudes or opinions form any part of your identity?

I had a great-grandmother until I was 16 (I know that's a number of years difference to your situation), and I can't say that she had much to do with forming those things in my case.

She was actually a pretty big influence on me. I still think about her a lot and I'm in my 30s now. She instilled quite a few ideas in me and my sisters.

Generally speaking, great-grandparents are less likely to be a big part of a child's life but I don't think that it's automatic. Some of it probably depends on ages. My great-grandmother, grandfather and father were all fairly young when they had kids (my dad was the oldest and he was in his late-twenties). People also live a lot longer than they used to.