Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Topic started by: MOM21SON on November 03, 2012, 05:24:06 PM

Title: A wedding registry
Post by: MOM21SON on November 03, 2012, 05:24:06 PM
I am posting this here because if you folks tell me to let it go, I will.

My BFF's son has been married for roughly six months.  My BFF knew, but noone else, well except for me.  They announced their marriage 2 days ago.  Today they registered for gifts.

I am glad she couldn't see my face when she told me.

Yay or nay?
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: NyaChan on November 03, 2012, 05:25:01 PM
Nay.
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: Sharnita on November 03, 2012, 05:29:11 PM
Has she asked for your opinion?  Unless she has, definitely let it go.  Even if she has, I think it depends.  How are people going to find out about the registry? If the HC is sending out e-mails saying "we are registered at __________" then it is rude.  If people find out if/when they ask, then it is perfectly fine.  Some people will want to get gifts even if they weren't at the wedding - those people could likely ask if the HC is registered.
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: MOM21SON on November 03, 2012, 05:46:10 PM
She hasn't asked for my opinion but I get the feeling she is as baffled as I am.  I asked her if they were going to send out announcements or what was their plan.  She said, "They have no plan."

Because she is my friend and I love her children, I will most likely send a gift.  I just think this is odd.
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: Sharnita on November 03, 2012, 05:49:25 PM
It really isn't up to you to say or do anything.  If you planned to get them a gift when this went public you are free to refer to the registry but not obligated to do so. 
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: CluelessBride on November 03, 2012, 05:58:16 PM
I don't think it's ever wrong to register for gifts or maintain a wish list.  That goes for people who are married, engaged, single or anything in between.  What's rude is what you do with the registry.  If you use it as a wish list and only refer people to if they ask for gift ideas, that's fine.  If you send the registry link out to all and sundry, that's tantamount to screaming "give me gifts - and here's what to give me!!!"


So if you only know because your BFF's son mentioned it to her in passing and then she mentioned it to you, then I don't think it's anything to get worked up about.  If they are sending out marriage announcements and including registry info, then that's rude.  But still one of those things you just privately roll your eyes about and move on, letting it inform your opinion of the person (and potentially influencing whether or not you send a gift/what gift).  But I don't think that it's actionable rudeness.
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: TootsNYC on November 03, 2012, 06:26:10 PM
She hasn't asked for my opinion but I get the feeling she is as baffled as I am.  I asked her if they were going to send out announcements or what was their plan.  She said, "They have no plan."

Because she is my friend and I love her children, I will most likely send a gift.  I just think this is odd.

If they have no plan, then maybe they registered in RESPONSE to people's inquiries. If they aren't sending an announcement, and only reveal the registry to people who actually inquire, then the couple isn't wrong at all.

A lot of brides and grooms report that no sooner do they get engaged than people are saying, "have you registered?" So maybe several people have enquired about gifts or even pressured them to register.

There are a LOT of gift-givers who like registries because they hatehatehatehatehate to see their economic clout get squandered, and they want to buy something that they KNOW the couple will use.
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: Surianne on November 03, 2012, 06:29:34 PM
I agree with Toots and CluelessBride.  I don't see how the simple existence of a registry is wrong.  I know when my friends got secretly married, I *wanted* to buy them a gift when they announced it, just as if I'd gone to their wedding, so I asked them what they could use.  It's very likely that this couple has had similar requests and created the registry because people asked them to.  Unless they start advertising it, I don't see a problem.
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: Zilla on November 03, 2012, 06:45:35 PM
I am posting this here because if you folks tell me to let it go, I will.

My BFF's son has been married for roughly six months.  My BFF knew, but noone else, well except for me.  They announced their marriage 2 days ago.  Today they registered for gifts.

I am glad she couldn't see my face when she told me.

Yay or nay?

Let what go?  Buying them a gift or telling your friend that you don't agree with them registering for a gift?  If it's telling your friend, I wouldn't.  It's up to you to buy them a gift or not.  Do I think it's tacky that they are doing a Wedding Registry and not a general wish list?  Yes.
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: Sharnita on November 03, 2012, 06:52:57 PM
I am posting this here because if you folks tell me to let it go, I will.

My BFF's son has been married for roughly six months.  My BFF knew, but noone else, well except for me.  They announced their marriage 2 days ago.  Today they registered for gifts.

I am glad she couldn't see my face when she told me.

Yay or nay?

Zilla, what is the difference to you? 
 
Let what go?  Buying them a gift or telling your friend that you don't agree with them registering for a gift?  If it's telling your friend, I wouldn't.  It's up to you to buy them a gift or not.  Do I think it's tacky that they are doing a Wedding Registry and not a general wish list?  Yes.
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: Zilla on November 03, 2012, 08:16:37 PM
I am posting this here because if you folks tell me to let it go, I will.

My BFF's son has been married for roughly six months.  My BFF knew, but noone else, well except for me.  They announced their marriage 2 days ago.  Today they registered for gifts.

I am glad she couldn't see my face when she told me.

Yay or nay?

Zilla, what is the difference to you? 
 
Let what go?  Buying them a gift or telling your friend that you don't agree with them registering for a gift?  If it's telling your friend, I wouldn't.  It's up to you to buy them a gift or not.  Do I think it's tacky that they are doing a Wedding Registry and not a general wish list?  Yes.

The difference?  Well I wasn't sure if she was asking to let go of purchasing a gift or let go of bringing it up to her friend. 
 
If you are asking the difference in the general wish list or the wedding registry, then yes I see them different.  I myself have a general wish list on Amazon.  I don't see anything wrong with it.  But a wedding registry is for a wedding, not for a married couple.
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: Hmmmmm on November 03, 2012, 08:18:50 PM
If they aren't sending announcements how did they begin informing people 2 days ago?
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: kareng57 on November 03, 2012, 10:12:13 PM
I too figure - this isn't for you to say yea or nay.

If they've been sending out wedding announcements without "registry inserts" then I don't see it as any different from wedding invitations without inserts.  People who are wondering whether they are registered will ask the usual contacts.

And people who want to send gifts (which are obviously not required) will send them, whether or not they want to consult the registry.
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: peaches on November 03, 2012, 10:39:44 PM
I'd let it go.

Also, it's a part of friendship to support our friends in stressful times. I'd try to look on the bright side of this, if for no other reason than to support a friend and her family. And I'd be shopping for a wedding gift (on or off the registry).   

We often give wedding gifts to couples whose wedding we didn't attend. It's the relationship with the couple (or their parents) that matters, not the style or timing of the wedding, or whether we got an invitation.

I do understand your reaction. Still, in the grand scheme of things, it's not that important IMO.
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: MOM21SON on November 04, 2012, 10:22:55 AM
By let it go I meant not give any of it another thought.  Overnight  the registry information was posted on FB.  They would appreciate help in setting up their new home.  Oh and they corrected their marriage announcement to they are getting married next june but would like the gifts now for a housewarming gift.

My friend posted on that post suggesting giftcards for the amount of the gift and to state what item it is for since shipping to their state is expensive.

I will MMOB.
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: Zilla on November 04, 2012, 01:10:57 PM
By let it go I meant not give any of it another thought.  Overnight  the registry information was posted on FB.  They would appreciate help in setting up their new home.  Oh and they corrected their marriage announcement to they are getting married next june but would like the gifts now for a housewarming gift.

My friend posted on that post suggesting giftcards for the amount of the gift and to state what item it is for since shipping to their state is expensive.

I will MMOB.

That is quite well um special.  I always think I heard the worst till you just posted that.

So to recap, they got married 6 months ago in a civil ceremony.  And all of a sudden decided they need stuff and posted an announcement for it.  Then revised and said, they will get married in June but need stuff now?  And your friend went along and endorsed this by suggesting gift cards.
 
Wow.  Where is that jaw dropping smiley when you need one?
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: MOM21SON on November 04, 2012, 02:05:33 PM
By let it go I meant not give any of it another thought.  Overnight  the registry information was posted on FB.  They would appreciate help in setting up their new home.  Oh and they corrected their marriage announcement to they are getting married next june but would like the gifts now for a housewarming gift.

My friend posted on that post suggesting giftcards for the amount of the gift and to state what item it is for since shipping to their state is expensive.

I will MMOB.

That is quite well um special.  I always think I heard the worst till you just posted that.

So to recap, they got married 6 months ago in a civil ceremony.  And all of a sudden decided they need stuff and posted an announcement for it.  Then revised and said, they will get married in June but need stuff now?  And your friend went along and endorsed this by suggesting gift cards.
 
Wow.  Where is that jaw dropping smiley when you need one?

Yep, that sums it up.

And the wife has posted te same on her page and has responses like, "WOW, your getting married?  I am so happy for you."
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: Snooks on November 05, 2012, 03:27:58 AM
So they're pretending they're not married?
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: Iris on November 05, 2012, 05:07:45 AM
By let it go I meant not give any of it another thought.  Overnight  the registry information was posted on FB.  They would appreciate help in setting up their new home.  Oh and they corrected their marriage announcement to they are getting married next june but would like the gifts now for a housewarming gift.

My friend posted on that post suggesting giftcards for the amount of the gift and to state what item it is for since shipping to their state is expensive.

I will MMOB.

Jaw, meet floor. That is...well, that is quite something isn't it. I really don't know what to say. Even if they weren't already married I can't even imagine saying "We're getting married in 7-8 months time, but would quite like the presents now, thank you." My mind is racing with unanswerable questions; Are they going to do a fake wedding in June? Will they expect people to buy them another gift when their 'wedding' rolls around? Are they going to say 'SURPRISE!' after everyone has stumped up with a gift? Do they really think that anyone is going to buy them a wedding gift this far in 'advance'? Do they really, really not realise how colossally cheesed off people are going to be when this comes out (as it surely will)? The list is endless...

I think your policy of MYOB is a good one, but I sure hope you like the taste of tongue because I suspect you're going to be biting yours quite often in the coming months.
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: Mikayla on November 05, 2012, 01:27:58 PM
It's never wrong to send a gift, but with this update I personally wouldn't even consider it.  It's rewarding greed and dishonesty.

Also, I don't necessarily agree with MYOB.  Momto1Son said this was her BFF.  In that case, I don't think I could keep quiet, especially since the BFF is adding to the deception.  There are all sorts of polite ways to ask if she sees how all this is coming across, or to point out the risk in lying about something so major.  It just takes one person to uncover the real truth.  So I'd try to word it in the sense helping her think it through.  That's what BFFs are for.
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: TurtleDove on November 05, 2012, 01:43:58 PM
I think it depends what the OP hopes to accomplish.  I fear that saying something, even if she is "right," will change nothing aside from damaging her relationship with the BFF and her son.  Also, not everyone sees a giant problem with wanting to celebrate a marriage, even under circumstances like this.  For me, I don't see this as really all that different than people who pretend to be legally married when they are not.  It just doesn't matter to me, unless I am one of the people.
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: MOM21SON on November 05, 2012, 04:05:29 PM
My friend and I chatted last night, like we do every night.

She asked me if I saw the posts. I said yes, what did you think when you saw it?  She said, "I am furious!"

She said she has tried to talk them out of lying.  However, she thinks that no one will care in the long run.  The registry gift grab post embarrassed her and she said she came up with the gift card thing to stop people from sending things to her house like her DS posted to do.

She is really not happy, but like she said, they aren't listening to her.

Then we smoothed out the chat but looking at the registry.  Oh boy that is a riot.  I said,"Just who do they plan on entertaining?"  She said they must feel that her kitchen supplies is the poorest of poor! 

They obviously went for the most expensive things the store has to offer.

Oh, she said she feels deceitful because she is lying to people to.  I said, well......

So we will see what happens.
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: lmyrs on November 05, 2012, 04:15:36 PM
I think your friend is pretty out of line too. If she doesn't agree with it, she should ignore it. Posting on the FB status to send GCs instead of gifts comes off just as gift grabby to me as the original post.
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: TurtleDove on November 05, 2012, 04:17:59 PM
I think your friend is pretty out of line too. If she doesn't agree with it, she should ignore it. Posting on the FB status to send GCs instead of gifts comes off just as gift grabby to me as the original post.

This.  Assuming the son is an adult, his behavior really isn't a reflection on her unless she makes it so by actively being involved in it.
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: TootsNYC on November 05, 2012, 04:41:19 PM
I think your friend is pretty out of line too. If she doesn't agree with it, she should ignore it. Posting on the FB status to send GCs instead of gifts comes off just as gift grabby to me as the original post.

This.  Assuming the son is an adult, his behavior really isn't a reflection on her unless she makes it so by actively being involved in it.

And not only was she involved in it, but she made it look even grabbier!
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: MOM21SON on November 05, 2012, 04:57:46 PM
I think your friend is pretty out of line too. If she doesn't agree with it, she should ignore it. Posting on the FB status to send GCs instead of gifts comes off just as gift grabby to me as the original post.

This.  Assuming the son is an adult, his behavior really isn't a reflection on her unless she makes it so by actively being involved in it.

And not only was she involved in it, but she made it look even grabbier!

Well, I didn't have the heart to go there.
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: TootsNYC on November 05, 2012, 05:05:44 PM
Yeah, I wouldn't have either.
Title: Re: A wedding registry
Post by: MOM21SON on November 05, 2012, 05:24:41 PM
I think it depends what the OP hopes to accomplish.  I fear that saying something, even if she is "right," will change nothing aside from damaging her relationship with the BFF and her son.  Also, not everyone sees a giant problem with wanting to celebrate a marriage, even under circumstances like this.  For me, I don't see this as really all that different than people who pretend to be legally married when they are not.  It just doesn't matter to me, unless I am one of the people.

I am glad you posted this.  Your first sentence made me think.  I want to be there for my friend.  She has been through so much and we are really tight.  I would never intentionally hurt her.  Its really is a opposites attract thing.  We are soooooooo different.