Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Topic started by: JadeAngel on November 04, 2012, 09:26:14 PM

Title: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: JadeAngel on November 04, 2012, 09:26:14 PM
BG: I've probably mentioned my friend A before, well actually after yesterday I might refer to her as more of a 'frenemy'. Recently A had some quite major surgery and she's had a pretty rough trot - she was incapacitated and in significant pain so she hasn't been able to get out and then a few weeks after the surgery she got DVT and had to go home to her parents to be looked after full time. So she's had a rough time, and I think a lot of people (including myself) have not made the time available to go and see her while she is laid up. /End BG

Sunday was supposed to be a nice day so BF and I decided that since we needed to head out that way anyway, that we would ring A and see if she was feeling up to a short excursion out to have a coffee or a drink and sit in the sun for a while. A accepted enthusiastically and we made a time to collect her since she can't drive her car right now.

We got to A's house and she wasn't quite ready to go - A is a chatty soul by nature (one of the reasons why being so isolated was hard for her) and between her going off on tangents and having trouble getting dressed due to her stitches, it was nearly an hour before we made it out of her house (not a big deal, BF and I weren't on a schedule)

We got to the wine bar and found a table tucked away in the corner of the courtyard... a nice sunny spot. A was moving quite slowly, she was still in pain and not able to walk long distances, so we went to the bar and got her a drink and all settled in for a chat. Sometime later two guys walked into the courtyard looking for a seat and A quite literally broke off in midsentence to call out 'Hi! Hi! You can sit over here!' The two men (complete strangers) demurred because the table next to us was for five or six and they were only two, and there was a small table available on the other side of the courtyard, without missing a beat A said 'Oh, then you can join us!' BF and I weren't that keen to share our table with strangers, but since the invitation had been issued, we could hardly speak up and tell them to go away.

Once the men had sat down A was getting them to tell us their life story. They were both in the Army but looking to get into property development, they lived in the outer suburbs, they were flatmates and so on. They were dissecting the US property market in detail and A hadn't said a word to us in fifteen minutes when BF escaped to get another drink. When he didn't come back for some time I managed to find a break in the conversation and extract myself and as I had already guessed, BF was inside and he was livid, which was understandable, since we had taken the time out of our day to take her out, it was fairly galling to be casually disregarded when something better came along. Not to mention that one of the men kept making fairly blatant remarks about being attracted to BF, which was making him extremely uncomfortable.

I sent BF to get us a table at the restaurant we had agreed to go to for dinner and I went back to get A, telling her only that we were hungry and wanted to go to dinner and she agreed to leave (and thankfully didn't invite her new friends) Outside I had a private word with her about how upset we were that she would exclude us from the conversation, and that while we didn't feel that we were owed thanks or praise for taking her out because that's what friends do, treating us like we were merely a convenience was hurtful to us.

A's response was to storm off saying that she 'didn't have to put up with this' and wouldn't have dinner with us 'if this was how it was going to be'. I was concerned because she had said previously that she was feeling unwell and faint and now she wanted to take a taxi home, but she wouldn't accept a lift so I had to let her go. BF arrived in the middle of all this and A immediately accused him of 'sending me to do his dirty work' and that she had been making eye contact with BF the whole time even if she hadn't been talking to him. I maybe shouldn't have put myself in the middle, but I was hurt by her behavior too. A accepted no responsibility for the arrival of the two men saying that she never wanted to talk to them in the first place and they asked to sit with us (both untrue) and that she was waiting for one of us to pipe up and say we should go to the next bar so she could get rid of them.

A then hobbled away, leaving me feeling fairly rotten for saying anything, although as BF pointed out if she had wanted to get rid of them so badly she had shown no sign of it, talking to them enthusiastically from the time they sat down until we got up to leave. I sent her a text asking her to let me know when she got home safe and didn't receive an answer back until 10.30pm saying only that she was home and she hoped we 'enjoyed dinner' since she hadn't had any yet...

I'm a peacemaker by nature, I don't like conflict, I go out of my way to make people feel happy. But in this case I really felt that my good nature had been abused. Was I wrong to speak up? Should I have simply accepted that A's friendly and outgoing nature was part and parcel of being friends with her and made allowances for the fact that she had been sitting at home for weeks going stir-crazy, or should A have taken some responsibility for her own actions?
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: LeveeWoman on November 04, 2012, 09:31:13 PM
Short answer: Give her a break.
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: Lindee on November 04, 2012, 09:43:37 PM
A long break ?
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: GSNW on November 04, 2012, 09:54:27 PM
Jade Angel, I would have been annoyed and upset had I been in your position, too.  I frankly can't see any reason her current situation would excuse/explain her actions, and I think that she was incredibly rude.  Should something like this happen in the future (which I hope it does not!) the only retrospect-type advice I would offer is to wait to deal with the issue.  Since you were already leaving to go to dinner, you could have had a nice dinner out and then called her a day or two later to discuss. 

"Hey, you know those guys you invited to sit with us at Wine Bar X?"
"Yeah..."
"Well, BF and I felt a little left out of the conversation after they sat down, we really wanted some time to catch up with you.  Next time, do you think we could avoid that sort of thing?"

You *could* wait a few days and call her to have this sort of conversation.  It might mean she is able to look at it with a clearer perspective.  Or not, and it's the sad truth, some people do these sorts of things because it suits them at the time and then get angry when others have the nerve to speak up.
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: peaches on November 04, 2012, 09:58:23 PM
Outside I had a private word with her about how upset we were that she would exclude us from the conversation, and that while we didn't feel that we were owed thanks or praise for taking her out because that's what friends do, treating us like we were merely a convenience was hurtful to us.


I'm not sure what you hoped to achieve by this. It was pretty much guaranteed to ruin the rest of the evening for everyone. Which is what happened.

Sometimes it's better to ignore mildly annoying behavior, or to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: Adelaide on November 04, 2012, 10:06:36 PM
This is extremely rude and bizarre. Of course, if this isn't a habit, she may have been acting this way because of the drugs from surgery.  I only say that because when I had foot surgery, I was on a cocktail of drugs that made me act strangely, though I barely remember any of it. My parents said that I appeared to be completely lucid and could hold long conversations, but I was immensely paranoid and literally tried to escape every time someone told me to do something. When I was waiting for the nurse so she could help me put my clothes back on, I yanked them on myself and started hopping out of the recovery room on one foot. When I was in the car with my mother so we could fill my prescription, I insisted that I should go with her but she told me to stay put. When she left I crawled into the front seat of the car and unlocked the door, but she caught me as she was walking out of the drug store. At home, when I was told to stay on the couch and to get help if I needed to use the bathroom, my parents would catch me jumping down the hallway on one leg, crashing into the walls. When they asked me to explain myself I (apparently) always gave them perfectly matter-of-fact explanations for my bizarre behavior as though it was the most rational thing in the world.

I don't think you were wrong in calling her out on it. This isn't the sort of "normal" behavior you should put up with as a reasonable person, and isn't the sort of normal behavior she should be engaging in as a reasonable person.
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: Deetee on November 04, 2012, 10:50:30 PM
I think Adelaide has an excellent point. Drugs make people act very strange and could easily explain both her behaviour in the restaurant and afterwards.

Only you know if this is completely out of character for her because you know her.
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: Ceallach on November 04, 2012, 10:54:39 PM
If she were a good friend then I'd say cut her some slack and assume it was somehow related to her condition.

However, given you describe her as a 'frenemy' and don't seem to have the highest opinion of her, I'd chalk this up as another tick in the Thumbs Down column, and another reason to not pursue a relationship with her any further.   Given she was more interested in making new friends than spending time with you, then I suspect the feeling may be mutual and she won't be too concerned at losing your acquaintance. 
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: BC12 on November 05, 2012, 01:15:25 AM
Honestly, I think everyone overreacted. You and your boyfriend overreacted to her inviting people to sit with you, and she overreacted when you tried to correct her behavior.

She maybe shouldn't have invited people to sit at your table, but I'm not sure I would consider it all that rude. Thoughtless, maybe. But you guys were at a bar and lots of people go to bars to socialize and mingle. In my experience, it's not that uncommon to join up with or chat with other groups. I don't think you should have taken it personally. Slight annoyance might have been a more reasonable reaction. If she had done this at dinner, though, I'd agree that it was rude.

If you and your boyfriend were feeling uncomfortable, all you had to say was, "Let's go have dinner now." Then forget about the incident for the time being and try to have a nice night.

I think you may owe her an apology. Your chatty friend who has been cooped up in her house was excited to be out and was perhaps not as considerate as she could have been. That was no reason for your boyfriend to abandon the table, and no reason for you to have a talk with her about it in the middle of your night out.

And hopefully she'll apologize as well for reacting to it so immaturely.
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: lkdrymom on November 05, 2012, 05:53:15 AM
A owes you an appology not the other way around. I've been in this situation, you go someplace with a friend then they see someone else they know and forgot that they even came with you. It hurts.  And you even got dropped for a stranger.

I won 4 tickets to an amusement park and my friend 'helped herself' to two of the tickets (which meant I had to pay for my kids to go now). This was back before I had a spine. We all went to the park and about half an hour in she ran into another family she knew and just dropped us. And she thought nothing of it.
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: LifeOnPluto on November 05, 2012, 06:12:39 AM
I think perhaps you both had differing expectations of the outing.

It seems you and your BF saw this as a quiet catch-up. Your friend saw it more as a "hey, I'm feeling better now! Let's go have fun and maybe there'll be some guys at the bar for me to hook up with!" type situation.

On balance however, it's not good form to totally ignore your friends for 15 minutes. So I think she was more in the wrong than you.
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: Lady Snowdon on November 05, 2012, 06:37:49 AM
I'm concerned about the fact that she tried to gaslight you when you called her on her actions (trying to tell you she didn't invite the guys to sit with you, or that she wasn't interested in talking to them).  To me, that she would do that says uncomplimentary things about her.  She wanted to rewrite the whole experience to put you and your BF in the wrong from the get-go. 

However, your BF's reaction to having people sit with you was very immature.  Just walking away for so long that you got worried and went looking for him?  How much effort does it take to say, "I'm going to look for a bathroom" or "I think I have a phone call coming in, I'll be back in a bit"?  I understand where he's coming from, because it does hurt to be dropped by a friend when you're out with them.  It doesn't excuse the way he acted though. 
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: Honeypickle on November 05, 2012, 07:36:24 AM
Maybe A was hoping to meet some new people or even liked the look of one of the men as a potential new boyfriend? If she'd been stuck at home for weeks, I expect she was dying to socialise and meet people, and although she was thrilled to spend time with you and your BF, you are a couple and she is a single. Since the evening was a one off for her, she was probably looking to maximise her socialising.

If you can go out whenever you want, sitting in the corner having a quiet chat with a couple is probably a lovely way to spend the evening. She was hoping for a bit more from her evening out.

I think you should make some allowances for her and what sounds quite a lonely period in her life.
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: Miss March on November 05, 2012, 08:14:40 AM
Quote
Not to mention that one of the men kept making fairly blatant remarks about being attracted to BF, which was making him extremely uncomfortable.

Awkward! So one of the men was openly hitting on your boyfriend, right in front of you? And A didn't grasp that it made your boyfriend uncomfortable? "BF" means boyfriend here, right? Or does it mean "best friend?"
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: Fleur on November 05, 2012, 08:29:20 AM


I am very surprised that anyone is making excuses for A. IMO, she was very rude indeed and I would be reconsidering the status of the friendship.  I find her behaviour very very odd and don't think that you overreacted at all.
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: bloo on November 05, 2012, 08:58:39 AM


I am very surprised that anyone is making excuses for A. IMO, she was very rude indeed and I would be reconsidering the status of the friendship.  I find her behaviour very very odd and don't think that you overreacted at all.

I agree with this. Totally.
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: TurtleDove on November 05, 2012, 09:09:32 AM
Outside I had a private word with her about how upset we were that she would exclude us from the conversation, and that while we didn't feel that we were owed thanks or praise for taking her out because that's what friends do, treating us like we were merely a convenience was hurtful to us.


I'm not sure what you hoped to achieve by this. It was pretty much guaranteed to ruin the rest of the evening for everyone. Which is what happened.

Sometimes it's better to ignore mildly annoying behavior, or to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

I agree with this.  I am not certain how old you are, but especially when I was younger it was commonplace to meet new people when out.  This still happens and I am almost 40.  I've had some great times, met some interesting people, and sometimes even formed lasting friendships.  I am not saying you are "wrong" for not wanting to do this, just that for a lot of people, being "out" means being social, so getting to know new interesting people isn't an affront but rather par for the course.

You say she ignored you, but did you do anything to contribute to the conversation?  In my experience, people who claim to be "left out" also don't do anything to be "part of" whatever it is.  I am not saying this is you, but I have a difficult time understanding why you didn't simply be friendly for the length of time it took to finish one drink and then go elsewhere if you were unhappy.
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: VorFemme on November 05, 2012, 09:11:53 AM
If she's still on pain meds - then she might get a medical pass on this - but take note of what she does NEXT time, after she no longer is on pain meds.....because that is not good behavior for a friend (at least one in their right mind, sober, and trying to catch up with people they haven't seen in a while). 

It is the behavior of someone who is NOT in their right mind due to drugs or alcohol - or someone with a social problem (drama llama, queen bee, emotional vampire, or whatever flavor of SS she might be).
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: Yvaine on November 05, 2012, 09:12:54 AM


I am very surprised that anyone is making excuses for A. IMO, she was very rude indeed and I would be reconsidering the status of the friendship.  I find her behaviour very very odd and don't think that you overreacted at all.

It's more that it's just so weird that it might be medication. The fact that these were total strangers, and the fact that she remembered the incident completely differently afterward--it could be that she's just an awful person and was rude and then gaslighted, but if it's out of character for her (and only the OP knows that--but it sounds like she wasn't a "frenemy" until this incident), it could have been an effect of something she's on for the pain. Being influenced by pain medication is not limited to uncouth people. I remember a few years ago there was an ehellion who flirted with her dentist while a drug was in effect and didn't remember it afterward. The OP's friend is drugged up enough that she can't drive, if I read it right, and mentioned feeling unwell before she started misbehaving. The question is whether this is unusual for her.
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: WillyNilly on November 05, 2012, 12:37:37 PM
A was rude for sure.  But at least she didn't straight up ditch you.  If you are going to be livid at anyone you should be mad at your BF who just left you, without a word or hint of concern over you.  It sounds like A at least would have welcomed your inclusion in the conversation with the 2 guys, your BF didn't give a hoot about you or your comfort or your good time at all and was the astoundingly selfish one.  A's actions were too inclusive - she invited two too many people in the conversation, your BF's actions were too exclusive - he excluded everyone, even you.
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: BeagleMommy on November 05, 2012, 12:53:15 PM
If this was unusual behavior for A I would attribute it to the medication.  If this was typical behavior, then she was rude.

I also find the guy making blatant insinuations that he was attracted to your BF very rude.  I would have had to put a stop to that immediately.  It would certainly have made my DH uncomfortable and I would have needed to rescue him.
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: Giggity on November 05, 2012, 01:07:57 PM
Quote
Not to mention that one of the men kept making fairly blatant remarks about being attracted to BF, which was making him extremely uncomfortable.

Awkward! So one of the men was openly hitting on your boyfriend, right in front of you? And A didn't grasp that it made your boyfriend uncomfortable? "BF" means boyfriend here, right? Or does it mean "best friend?"

This is why I preach against the acronyms.
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: Bookgirl on November 05, 2012, 01:09:09 PM
But if A was on so much medication that she was acting completely out of character and can be excused for her actions, maybe she shouldn't be at a wine bar drinking?  I do realize that the OP and her BF took A there and maybe she had no say in the matter but it does seem like an odd choice of venue is she's completely hopped up on medication. 

OP, was A drinking wine or something nonalcoholic?  Was the venue your choice or hers? 
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: rashea on November 05, 2012, 01:26:50 PM
But if A was on so much medication that she was acting completely out of character and can be excused for her actions, maybe she shouldn't be at a wine bar drinking?  I do realize that the OP and her BF took A there and maybe she had no say in the matter but it does seem like an odd choice of venue is she's completely hopped up on medication. 

OP, was A drinking wine or something nonalcoholic?  Was the venue your choice or hers?

It's also possible that she was having a drink for the first time and didn't realize how they would combine.

I don't think people are saying she wasn't rude, or that she should get off on an excuse. I think people are looking for an explanation because it's just so odd. Hopefully A will get back to the OP soon to apologize!
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: onyonryngs on November 05, 2012, 01:30:49 PM
I think that I would give this a one time pass, for both sides.  I can see this happening if she was having a reaction to pain meds + alcohol.  I would also have to point out that the OP let someone find her own way home knowing that she had a combination of pain meds & alcohol in her system.  To me, that seems worse than the friend's actions, but like I said, free pass for everyone.  Maybe the friend wasn't aware that she'd have this strong a reaction with the mix.  I'm not saying that the friend wasn't rude to ignore her friends, but there seems to be a very logical explanation for her actions.  I would talk to her with a clear head and not accuse her of acting badly, but ask her if she thinks that she might have had a reaction to the med/alcohol combination -- and do it without judgement.
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: Yvaine on November 05, 2012, 02:09:46 PM
I would also have to point out that the OP let someone find her own way home knowing that she had a combination of pain meds & alcohol in her system. 

This stood out to me too.

My best guess would be that the friend was either loopy from pain meds or else loopy from an unexpected reaction to mixing them with alcohol. Again, if this is the first time she seemed like a frenemy, I'd say let it go.
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: ladiedeathe on November 05, 2012, 02:15:24 PM
Please correct me if I have facts wrong:
A agrees to go out with you a few weeks after a major surgery, and less time after treatment for a DVT.
She can't drive, has stitches, and is on pain medication. She is hobbling.
She complains of feeling faint and ill.
She has alcohol.
She behaves oddly, and later can't remember it.
She get's corrected for her behavior and leaves to seek public transport home- still denying behavior that was open and obvious.

I would seriously seriously say: What the blazes was she doing drinking on pain meds? And then wandering off home alone- hobbling?

A probably should not have been out, and really really probably should not have had a drink without her doc's permission. When she started acting weird, and then denying she had invited the guys over, it was time to take her home, and probably to call the doc or call her parents just to make sure she wasn't having a drug/alcohol interaction.

I certainly can't say if she was rude or not- I have no where near enough info, but my guess would go with "something interacted".
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: Cat-Fu on November 05, 2012, 02:17:29 PM
I would also have to point out that the OP let someone find her own way home knowing that she had a combination of pain meds & alcohol in her system. 

This stood out to me too.

My best guess would be that the friend was either loopy from pain meds or else loopy from an unexpected reaction to mixing them with alcohol. Again, if this is the first time she seemed like a frenemy, I'd say let it go.

I admit I found that a bit disturbing as well. Honestly, going out to wine bar with someone on pain meds is generally not a good idea. I know I've acted completely bizarrely & inappropriately when my pain meds have been mixed with basically anything else. (Luckily my DH is a very easygoing guy :P) You're the only one who can really determine if this is par for the course or unusual behavior, but I hope that if it's the latter, you chalk it up to pain med weirdness and let it go.
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: MerryCat on November 05, 2012, 08:12:59 PM
If this is out of character for A, I'd let it drop and try again. But if this is just another example in a history of dismissive/rude behaviour, which your description of her as a "frenemy" makes me think it might be, then I'd probably start distancing myself. You can still be supportive in her time of need without spending a lot of time around her. Maybe drop by with a casserole, chat for a bit, and then be off.
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: O'Dell on November 05, 2012, 08:36:53 PM
If this is out of character for A, I'd let it drop and try again. But if this is just another example in a history of dismissive/rude behaviour, which your description of her as a "frenemy" makes me think it might be, then I'd probably start distancing myself. You can still be supportive in her time of need without spending a lot of time around her. Maybe drop by with a casserole, chat for a bit, and then be off.

I agree with this.
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: MrsJWine on November 05, 2012, 11:24:10 PM
Is she still on painkillers? Because painkillers can kill more than just the pain. My judgment has occasionally been very off when I've been on painkillers. And that bad judgment might include the decision to take a drink when you shouldn't (I haven't done that, but I have attempted very physically demanding chores that could have put me back in the hospital, and other things). I am definitely more friendly and waaaay more laidback when I'm on them. I'm very thankful it has only ever been for very brief periods, where I could stay at home the whole time.

I can only imagine what would happen if I were out in a public place and a friend bought me a drink. I know you meant well by taking her out, but if she's still being treated for pain, that was probably the start of the Crazy Landslide.
Title: Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
Post by: JadeAngel on November 06, 2012, 07:17:23 PM
OP here, I'm going to answer a few of the very good points raised in this thread, apologies if this post is overly long

First and foremost for everyone who was concerned about alcohol and pain meds and getting home on her own, A was not drinking that day. We chose this wine bar specifically because they offered a large range of non-alcoholic drinks as well as wines and beers and also because it was close to Aís house and not likely to be crowded.

the only retrospect-type advice I would offer is to wait to deal with the issue.  Since you were already leaving to go to dinner, you could have had a nice dinner out and then called her a day or two later to discuss. 

"Hey, you know those guys you invited to sit with us at Wine Bar X?"
"Yeah..."
"Well, BF and I felt a little left out of the conversation after they sat down, we really wanted some time to catch up with you.  Next time, do you think we could avoid that sort of thing?"

You *could* wait a few days and call her to have this sort of conversation.  It might mean she is able to look at it with a clearer perspective.  Or not, and it's the sad truth, some people do these sorts of things because it suits them at the time and then get angry when others have the nerve to speak up.

True, it might have been better to wait a few days before broaching this with her, but the thing was she had noticed that my boyfriend seemed upset and asked about it directly, so I was in the position where either I told her some comforting white lie at the time and then came clean a few days later, or I had it out with her right there and then. Neither option was ideal, I chose the option I felt was best, possibly I was wrong.

I should also mention that this kind of behavior is something of a habit for A, itís not uncommon for her to turn around and start chatting to a complete stranger at the next table or to flirt with every man who comes past. She particularly likes having lots of men dancing attendance on her so she'll be very flirtatious. If the situation had been reversed and we as a couple had been more interested in snuggling with each other and talking privately in each others ears than chatting to A, I wouldn't have faulted her for being upset and feeling excluded. As far as I can see, that is pretty much what she did to us (minus the snuggling)

Quote
It seems you and your BF saw this as a quiet catch-up. Your friend saw it more as a "hey, I'm feeling better now! Let's go have fun and maybe there'll be some guys at the bar for me to hook up with!" type situation

Possibly, although as I said A was still very fragile, she had a lot of stitches and found walking an arduous process so I donít think she was in any way ready to hook up with anyone. But perhaps she did get overexcited at being out of the house for the first time since her surgery, I can't necessarily fault her for that she is a friendly chatty person, but the plan was changed along the way because she didn't want to go anywhere crowded because she was afraid of being pushed or bumped, so the implication was that we were going for a quiet and casual afternoon out.

Quote
However, your BF's reaction to having people sit with you was very immature.  Just walking away for so long that you got worried and went looking for him?  How much effort does it take to say, "I'm going to look for a bathroom" or "I think I have a phone call coming in, I'll be back in a bit"?  I understand where he's coming from, because it does hurt to be dropped by a friend when you're out with them.  It doesn't excuse the way he acted though.

Unfortunately I have to allow this as being correct. My boyfriend has a bad habit of walking away when something is aggravating him. On one hand itís a positive trait because he walks away, counts to ten, goes around the block and calms down before addressing the situation, but yes simply walking away and not coming back was not a polite way to behave. Heís getting better at talking to me when he is feeling stressed, but he still has bad reactions at times and this was one of them.

Quote
Awkward! So one of the men was openly hitting on your boyfriend, right in front of you? And A didn't grasp that it made your boyfriend uncomfortable? "BF" means boyfriend here, right? Or does it mean "best friend?"

Apologies folks, yes he is my boyfriend, and yes the man was hitting on him despite being told that he and I were a couple. A laughed it off, I donít think she realized how uncomfortable it was for BF who was stuck at the end of the table with this guy beside him making quasi-flirtatious remarks. It was all meant in fun, but coming on to a complete stranger when the only thing you know about them is that they're dating someone sitting at the table who is female, was definitely crossing a boundary.

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You say she ignored you, but did you do anything to contribute to the conversation?  In my experience, people who claim to be "left out" also don't do anything to be "part of" whatever it is.  I am not saying this is you, but I have a difficult time understanding why you didn't simply be friendly for the length of time it took to finish one drink and then go elsewhere if you were unhappy.

I was joining in the conversation, out of a sense of politeness, even though I have no interest in the US housing market, which was primarily what they were discussing. My boyfriend was less forthcoming, but with A it is often hard to get a word in edgewise, hence the reason I had trouble leaving the table, I had to wait for a gap in the conversation where I could say Ďexcuse me for a momentí. I was indeed polite for the time it took to finish my drink, but there wasn't much call for me to do more than nod my head occasionally because A really could, given the chance, talk the leg off a chair.

I've not heard from A, apart from the text since the day of the unfortunate outing. I did want to thank everyone for their responses, it gave me a number of perspectives that I didn't consider and I don't know that I am willing to write off A as a friend just yet, but that will depend entirely on whether she still wants to be friends with me.