Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Family and Children => Topic started by: MamaMootz on November 05, 2012, 09:44:30 AM

Title: Rude not to drink?
Post by: MamaMootz on November 05, 2012, 09:44:30 AM
DH and I had a disagreement this past weekend while staying at his mom's house. She doesn't know how to cook very well and wanted to make me some coffee in the morning. She tried to brew instant coffee in her coffeemaker and it tasted just awful.

My question is this: do you drink the coffee anyway or do you tell his mom that it's bad?

I was of the opinion that I drink it anyway, because I don't want to insult her hospitality. I just took some sips from the cup and said my stomach was bothering me a bit, so I couldn't finish it and I left it at that.

DH picked up his cup and dumped it down the sink straightaway, stating he couldn't drink that.

I contend he was rude. Thoughts? Does the fact that this is his mom and family pay any part in whether or not it was rude?
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: Judah on November 05, 2012, 09:50:57 AM
I would have dumped the coffee in the sink as your husband did, then I'd say, "Mom, what were you thinking? You can't brew instant coffee in a coffee maker." Then I'd make a fresh pot. In my family, this would be fine, expected even. 

I don't think your husband was rude, but I don't think you should have had to sip swill either.  For someone you aren't close to, I probably would try to fake it, but not for my mom.

ETA: You weren't rude, but it was unnecessary to drink the coffee.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: LadyL on November 05, 2012, 09:53:20 AM
DH and I had a disagreement this past weekend while staying at his mom's house. She doesn't know how to cook very well and wanted to make me some coffee in the morning. She tried to brew instant coffee in her coffeemaker and it tasted just awful.

My question is this: do you drink the coffee anyway or do you tell his mom that it's bad?

I was of the opinion that I drink it anyway, because I don't want to insult her hospitality. I just took some sips from the cup and said my stomach was bothering me a bit, so I couldn't finish it and I left it at that.

DH picked up his cup and dumped it down the sink straightaway, stating he couldn't drink that.

I contend he was rude. Thoughts? Does the fact that this is his mom and family pay any part in whether or not it was rude?

How did his mom react? Is she touchy about her poor cooking skills or is it more of a running gag type thing in the family? In my family, if someone overcooks the meat or something we can say something about it without them getting offended because they don't want us suffering through unappealing food just to be polite. They'd be more upset if someone *didn't* tell them and then they went to take a bite or sip themselves and realized it tasted bad. But that's my family culture, everyone's is a little different. I would say that you were definitely polite and your husband could probably have erred more on the side of politeness but I can't say 100% that he was rude.

Regardless, I have found that it is best to let my partner take the lead with his family and not try to manage his dynamic with them too much (unless he is having a problem with them and wants my input). Families are complicated and I still haven't figured out the decades worth of feuds, silent rules, etc. that govern my in-laws behavior, and I've given up on trying  ;D.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: TootsNYC on November 05, 2012, 09:54:00 AM
I think there are much softer ways of saying, "that coffee didn't turn out well."

Like, maybe, "That coffee didn't turn out well! Maybe it's because it's instant--and it gets messed up if it's brewed. Anyway, let me make a new pot."

If it's someone you're sort of close to, this kind of feedback can be a kindness.

But you don't just dump it down the sink in a rejecting manner.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: Dorrie78 on November 05, 2012, 09:54:50 AM
He was rude. All he had to do was take a few sips and then busy himself (stand up, look out the window, do some dishes, check the fridge, get the paper - anything) and pour the coffee away when mom wasn't paying attention. One of my biggest pet peeves is the idea that just because someone is family, you can be rude to him or her. Would you tell your friend that the coffee was terrible? Then don't tell your mom. Just decline it the next day. The one exception in this particular scenario is that I also think it would be okay for DH to say to mom later in the day "do you mind if I pick up some X coffee for tomorrow - we really like it in the mornings." I do think there is more flexibility with family about making requests or suggestions like that.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: atirial on November 05, 2012, 10:01:52 AM
I think he was rude to just dump it down the sink, after she did at least try to make it. There's nothing wrong with taking a sip and then 'forgetting' the coffee and being busy with something until it has gone cold. Alternatively, could you tell her that something has gone a bit wrong with that coffee and offer to make a new one? If she knows she's a bad cook and isn't sensitive about it, you can be a lot more upfront, but still, just dumping it down the sink is rather rude.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: Betelnut on November 05, 2012, 10:05:19 AM
I don't think either response is wrong.  It's his Mom so he can be more blunt (if that is how their family rolls).  It's your MIL so being more polite is also fine.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: SleepyKitty on November 05, 2012, 10:08:49 AM
I think it all depends on the family. What would be unquestionably rude to a stranger can be perfectly polite within the family - depending on the family and the context. So, I wouldn't hesitate to ask my sister if she had used a gift I had given her, or why I wasn't invited to something, and I wouldn't hesitate to tell her she had brewed the coffee wrong and I couldn't drink it. But I wouldn't hesitate because I know that she would not be upset by these things, and I would not be upset by them either (for example if she had not used the gift). I would never do the same to a stranger.

I mean, why just leave coffee sitting around until it gets cold? It's going to get dumped, not drank, no matter what. The only reason to maintain the polite fiction is because to do otherwise would upset or hurt his mother, and I don't get any sense from the OP that was the case.

Etiquette needs to be flexible to be useful. So yes, I think the fact that it was family vs. a stranger makes a difference. I don't think that one can always label an action rude without understanding the dynamic, and this is definitely one of those cases.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: RebeccainGA on November 05, 2012, 10:11:18 AM
In my dad's family, that would be a no big deal thing - my mom's family, it would have been the basis for a crying jag. Since it's your DH's family, I'd hope he knew what was appropriate for his family's dynamic, and would have done only what was reasonable for them.

No harm, no foul here.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: BeagleMommy on November 05, 2012, 10:32:38 AM
I think this is a "know your audience" thing.  If your DH knew this would not upset his mother I see nothing wrong with it.

My mother likes her coffee STRONG.  I mean, it could take paint off a car.  However, I can tell her that I just don't like how strong she brews it and I'd prefer tea.

Now if you'd said that to my SIL the reaction would be grumpy silence and my DB would hear about it for weeks afterward.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: Yvaine on November 05, 2012, 10:34:46 AM
My mother likes her coffee STRONG.  I mean, it could take paint off a car.  However, I can tell her that I just don't like how strong she brews it and I'd prefer tea.

Yeah...I pick on my mom's tea, because she likes it about 9 parts sugar to 1 part tea.  ;D And she picks on me in return for liking it black. Know your audience.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: Hmmmmm on November 05, 2012, 10:40:52 AM
I found his method to be abbrassive.  A pleasent 'Oops, I don't think you can brew instant coffee would have been a more polite response.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: NyaChan on November 05, 2012, 11:22:01 AM
Your method is absolutely not rude, whereas your husband's method in almost all situations would be.  It may be that in his household it is not, but as that would be the rare exception, I vote on the side of just not drinking it and making a small excuse.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: Jenny13 on November 05, 2012, 11:46:34 AM
I would have drank it anyway.  Though, their relationship may be different. I would have told my own mother that it was awful, but not my MIL.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: Mikayla on November 05, 2012, 11:47:32 AM
His behavior would have been totally rude to a friend or extended family.  With parents/sibs, it depends on family dynamics.  In my family, most people would want to be told if they were making something un-drinkable, and they wouldn't mind if it was direct.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: MamaMootz on November 05, 2012, 12:15:42 PM
OP here. Mil was doing us a favor letting us stay due to hurricane. She was going out of her way to make me coffee because she knows i like it. Been 6 years since we have seen her and there is a language barrier. I think i would have hurt her feelings had i dumped it. She was not happy with DH for dumping it.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: Zilla on November 05, 2012, 12:44:38 PM
I don't think either response is wrong.  It's his Mom so he can be more blunt (if that is how their family rolls).  It's your MIL so being more polite is also fine.

pod
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: Jaelle on November 05, 2012, 01:11:26 PM
It must be a family dynamics thing, because I don't see how he was rude.  ???  If it's undrinkable, it seems ... condescending? ... to sit there and pretend that it is. I would much rather know.

This is what I'm used to, though. I can't imagine anyone in my family wanting me to do otherwise. YMMV, and it seems like everyone's does. :)
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: Judah on November 05, 2012, 01:27:09 PM
It must be a family dynamics thing, because I don't see how he was rude.  ???  If it's undrinkable, it seems ... condescending? ... to sit there and pretend that it is. I would much rather know.

This is what I'm used to, though. I can't imagine anyone in my family wanting me to do otherwise. YMMV, and it seems like everyone's does. :)

This is where I"m coming from.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: pixel dust on November 05, 2012, 01:44:27 PM
I think it depends on your DH's relationship with his mom. With my husband and his mother, that reaction would have been totally acceptable - they're extremely forth-coming with each other and my husband is not afraid to tell his mother exactly what he's thinking. She probably would have laughed at him. With my mother, I definitely would correct her, more with a, "Ooo, Mom, that doesn't taste right. Let's try that again!"

If it was anyone other than family or extremely close friends, I probably would have feigned an upset stomach like you and went without coffee that morning.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: NyaChan on November 05, 2012, 01:49:47 PM
Even keeping in mind that his mother made the coffee, what he actually did was unnecessarily forceful.  All he had to do was say, "Oh mom, did you use instant to brew this?  Here, let me show you how to do this, instant doesn't work for coffee this way."
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: TootsNYC on November 05, 2012, 01:52:41 PM
OP here. Mil was doing us a favor letting us stay due to hurricane. She was going out of her way to make me coffee because she knows i like it. Been 6 years since we have seen her and there is a language barrier. I think i would have hurt her feelings had i dumped it. She was not happy with DH for dumping it.

Then I think your DH was rude. I'm wondering what his manner was when he dumped it, and what he said, etc.

(Does your MIL like you better than him now? ;-)  )
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: MamaMootz on November 05, 2012, 09:01:36 PM
OP here. Mil was doing us a favor letting us stay due to hurricane. She was going out of her way to make me coffee because she knows i like it. Been 6 years since we have seen her and there is a language barrier. I think i would have hurt her feelings had i dumped it. She was not happy with DH for dumping it.

Then I think your DH was rude. I'm wondering what his manner was when he dumped it, and what he said, etc.

(Does your MIL like you better than him now? ;-)  )

He was already angry and frustrated at our situation that morning, so tact was not with him. He was impatient with her. I felt badly because she doesn't have very much and she went out of her way to do that for me, so I wasn't going to hurt her feelings. He did the same thing with the dinner she made the night before for us... she made a chicken lasagne with a white sauce and he hates white sauce so he refused to eat the food. Poor woman was trying so hard to be a good host to us, but he was acting like a brat, IMHO.

I was wondering what the general consensus was on the issue, though so it's still interesting to see everyone's replies.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: Acadianna on November 05, 2012, 09:31:14 PM
This reminded me of when I was 8 years old and spending the night at my best friend's house.  BFF had told her mother that I liked bacon a bit undercooked.  (Yes, but just a little bit undercooked!)  So BFF's mom made us bacon -- that was almost completely raw.

Even at that age, though, my mom's training came through -- I ate the bacon without a murmur, even though it was awful.

I vote DH was a bit rude, and the OP was gracious.

Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: happygrrl on November 06, 2012, 09:48:42 AM
I think we're married to the same guy. Honestly, I've had my issues with my MIL over the years, but sometimes, DH treats her (in my eyes) badly. 

I think you were very kind, and I would have done the exact same thing. :)  And, yes, I think your Dh owes his mom and apology.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: Decimus on November 06, 2012, 10:16:46 AM
I think simply pouring it out would be rude, but politely explaining "Did you know instant is freeze-dried coffee and needs to be prepared differently?  Why don't I show you" would be fine -- at least in my family.

On the other hand, I did simply stop eating the Thanksgiving dinner where my mother served undercooked Turkey.  I should probably post about that on the holiday board, now that I think of it.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: Virg on November 06, 2012, 10:49:31 AM
Dependent on the family dynamic, one can often be blunt without being dsisrespectful, so in general an action like your husband's depends on the family.  I think his wording was a bit too blunt (even in the general case) but I don't think that pouring out the coffee or telling his mother that it's undrinkable were de facto rude.  With your update, though, it's obvious that he was being disresepctful to her, and that's pretty much always rude.  If I'd been in the same situation, I'd have poured out the coffee, but I'd have been much kinder in pointing out that it didn't taste right, and I'd offer to rectify that myself so she didn't feel badly about it.  As for the lasagna, again it's not always rude to decline to eat something you don't like but his method for handling it was rude.  In any case, effusive thanks for the attempt at hospitality are in order, both to soften the blow of not liking the offering and because it's polite to thank your host for the effort.

Virg
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: White Lotus on November 06, 2012, 07:45:26 PM
I don't like coffee.  I do have a coffee maker for guests who do.  The Professor doesn't drink it either, but he knows how to make it -- I guess.  I generally ask the most ardent coffee lover guest around to do the honors. That way, we can be pretty sure it turns out well.  I think your MIL, who apparently doesn't drink coffee either, might have adopted this tactic profitably.  She also might have laughed and said, "oh, you make it, then" which would give you Command of the Coffee Maker.  Whether or not DH was rude depends on how his family works.  If she would say to him (or you), "no, no, you're doing that sauce all wrong. That's going to be awful!  Here, let me show you," it was probably OK, or close to it.  If MIL would say that to him, but not you, I think both of you were fine. As someone said, family culture. With maybe a touch of brat and disrespect on his part.  He could have been much, much nicer.

My mother will instruct anybody, anywhere, anytime on the correct way to make tea.  She views this as a mission.  She is pretty tactful about it, considering how strongly she feels about it, and usually phrases it as "May I make Elsewherian tea for you?" She brings her own, despises bags, and won't touch tea anywhere if it is not prepared according to her picky specifications.  She asks for water or something else easily and obviously available when only terrible tea is likely to be available and she can't offer to make it properly. When I have the option, I use her approach as a preemptive strike.  When presented with a cup of the undrinkable, and it would be unkind (etiquette is often about kindness) to dump or ignore it, I will take a sip or two, and play with it until I can say, "Oh, dear, this has gone cold," and ask for something else, usually water, or offer make Real, Elsewherian, tea, which I happen to conveniently have with me, if that is possible. FWIW

I think you would be fine picking up whatever kind of coffee you like and presenting it her, saying you think this is better for her machine, and may you make a pot that perhaps she would like to taste? And, since she is hosting both you, take her out to dinner or buy the ingredients and cook for her. 
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: joraemi on November 07, 2012, 06:53:08 AM
I think it was ungracious of your husband to dump it in front of his mother while making a remark about how he can't drink it.  I think you did fine. 

I'm not a coffee drinker so I'm not sure what happens to instant coffee when you brew it.  If it comes out super strong, I'd think you could just water it down.  If its weak - well, it's instant, right?  Add more.  Unless it gets that burny/bitter taste.  But still a smile, a hug, a gentle pouring of the coffee down the drain and showing her how to do it all the while thanking her for caring enough to try would have been ok too.

The next time I saw her brewing up a pot - I'd rush in - give her a smile and hold my hand up as in, "hang on a second here!", and show her how to make it properly. Then hug and kiss her for her generosity of heart and home letting you stay there.  Hugs and kisses cross all language barriers in my mind!
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: MerryCat on November 07, 2012, 03:02:27 PM
Personally, I would not have done what your DH did. But I think that depending on the family and the relationship it may be okay. It's possible that your MIL takes that sort of thing better coming from her son than she would if her DIL had done it. If I were you, I'd continue to behave as you have been doing and let your DH handle his own relationship with his mother.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: TootsNYC on November 08, 2012, 05:14:19 PM
If nothing else, your DH made you look good!

Your MIL has to know that the coffee wasn't good, but she also has to know what you did. And if she's at all sensitive, she's realized that you tried to spare her feelings. That HAS to win you points.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: girlysprite on November 09, 2012, 03:10:15 AM
Yeah, your DH has been rude. I do wonder if you should insert yourself in the situation where he is a rude against her, or let those two figure it out themselves. I also sometimes have smaller issues where I feel that my DH is kinda rude against his family, but I decided to leave it up to his family to speak up for themselves. For my part, I just try to stay nice and polite to them.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: LB on November 09, 2012, 05:57:23 AM
There is certainly a middle ground between your reaction and your husband's. Like others have said, I think it is not impolite to gently say you don't care for something. That's a big difference from saying you can't drink something and pouring it down the sink. I think he was rude. Even in a "know your audience" situation, you can be kind when saying you don't like something.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: MamaMootz on November 09, 2012, 08:00:05 AM
Yeah, your DH has been rude. I do wonder if you should insert yourself in the situation where he is a rude against her, or let those two figure it out themselves. I also sometimes have smaller issues where I feel that my DH is kinda rude against his family, but I decided to leave it up to his family to speak up for themselves. For my part, I just try to stay nice and polite to them.

I spoke to him afterward and told him he could have been kinder to her. I don't see that as inserting myself. She is a lovely woman and was trying hard with very little means to make a bad situation better for us by giving us the treats she could. She doesn't drink coffee, so she didn't know what she did was wrong. It wasn't my place to correct her but it wasn't his place to be mean, either. She deserved to be treated with kindness, not disdain. If that is inserting myself into the situation, then so be it. Sometimes he does not realize how harsh he can be.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: Fleur on November 09, 2012, 08:38:25 AM


I am going to go against the grain and say that your DH absolutely was rude. I wouldn't dream of speaking to anyone that way, parents or anyone else. You were quite right, though I certainly don't blame you for not finishing the bad drink. As someone who also hasn't got the first clue about coffee (see a much earlier thread of mine) I think your MIL just was trying to be nice, and your DH should have been far more polite in how he handled her mistake.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: msulinski on November 09, 2012, 09:56:12 AM
This reminded me of when I was 8 years old and spending the night at my best friend's house.  BFF had told her mother that I liked bacon a bit undercooked.  (Yes, but just a little bit undercooked!)  So BFF's mom made us bacon -- that was almost completely raw.

Even at that age, though, my mom's training came through -- I ate the bacon without a murmur, even though it was awful.

I vote DH was a bit rude, and the OP was gracious.

I can't think of a situation where I think someone should have to eat something (not just have 1 bite) of something truly awful while pretending it was good. If I don't want to eat something, I won't though I will generally try to deflect any questions about why I am not eating something.

In your case, you ate borderline-raw food, which can make you sick. I don't think you need to risk your health to avoid hurting someone's feelings.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: Winterlight on November 09, 2012, 10:57:27 AM
Yeah, your DH has been rude. I do wonder if you should insert yourself in the situation where he is a rude against her, or let those two figure it out themselves. I also sometimes have smaller issues where I feel that my DH is kinda rude against his family, but I decided to leave it up to his family to speak up for themselves. For my part, I just try to stay nice and polite to them.

I spoke to him afterward and told him he could have been kinder to her. I don't see that as inserting myself. She is a lovely woman and was trying hard with very little means to make a bad situation better for us by giving us the treats she could. She doesn't drink coffee, so she didn't know what she did was wrong. It wasn't my place to correct her but it wasn't his place to be mean, either. She deserved to be treated with kindness, not disdain. If that is inserting myself into the situation, then so be it. Sometimes he does not realize how harsh he can be.

I think you were right to call him on this- he was rude to someone who is doing him a favor (taking your family in because of the hurricane) and doing the best she could. If he was treated that way, would he want to go the extra mile and help this person in future?
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: Hmmmmm on November 09, 2012, 11:27:30 AM
I'm sure there is additional back story here given he hasn't seen his mom in 6 years but was willing to call her up to request a favor of staying with her during an emergency.  But I agree with you that your DH is being a brat.

I'm sure he is dealing with some of his own personal issues like being displaced, maybe a little guilt about going so long without seeing his mom, maybe even concern about her personal finances.  But I think you are right that he needs to get over himself. 

Honestly, if my DH had complained about the dinner the night before and refused to eat and then reacted that way with the coffee the next morning, I think I'd be taking my MIL out for lunch and having us figure out a way to communicate while pouty boy stayed home and fixed his lunch just the way he liked it. 
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: MamaMootz on November 09, 2012, 11:43:15 AM
I'm sure there is additional back story here given he hasn't seen his mom in 6 years but was willing to call her up to request a favor of staying with her during an emergency.  But I agree with you that your DH is being a brat.

I'm sure he is dealing with some of his own personal issues like being displaced, maybe a little guilt about going so long without seeing his mom, maybe even concern about her personal finances.  But I think you are right that he needs to get over himself. 

Honestly, if my DH had complained about the dinner the night before and refused to eat and then reacted that way with the coffee the next morning, I think I'd be taking my MIL out for lunch and having us figure out a way to communicate while pouty boy stayed home and fixed his lunch just the way he liked it.

OP again. No sinister backstory here - haven't seen her in 6 years as we were relocated across the country from her for the past 6 years. She refuses to fly - to get her out of the house is a major coup. We could not afford to fly back and see her during that time. He speaks with her on the phone almost daily, so they have a pretty good relationship, although she just wants to chat with him and he gets impatient with that as well. We just got relocated back and she heard we were without power and offered us her home.

I was fine with DH going without dinner due to his poutiness the night before, and as I said, I reprimanded him for the coffee thing. He could have told her gently that the coffee was not brewed properly instead of dumping it down the drain and saying "I can't drink this s***".
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: Hmmmmm on November 09, 2012, 02:55:22 PM
I'm sure there is additional back story here given he hasn't seen his mom in 6 years but was willing to call her up to request a favor of staying with her during an emergency.  But I agree with you that your DH is being a brat.

I'm sure he is dealing with some of his own personal issues like being displaced, maybe a little guilt about going so long without seeing his mom, maybe even concern about her personal finances.  But I think you are right that he needs to get over himself. 

Honestly, if my DH had complained about the dinner the night before and refused to eat and then reacted that way with the coffee the next morning, I think I'd be taking my MIL out for lunch and having us figure out a way to communicate while pouty boy stayed home and fixed his lunch just the way he liked it.

OP again. No sinister backstory here - haven't seen her in 6 years as we were relocated across the country from her for the past 6 years. She refuses to fly - to get her out of the house is a major coup. We could not afford to fly back and see her during that time. He speaks with her on the phone almost daily, so they have a pretty good relationship, although she just wants to chat with him and he gets impatient with that as well. We just got relocated back and she heard we were without power and offered us her home.

I was fine with DH going without dinner due to his poutiness the night before, and as I said, I reprimanded him for the coffee thing. He could have told her gently that the coffee was not brewed properly instead of dumping it down the drain and saying "I can't drink this s***".

Sorry for jumping to a conclusion.  I incorrectly assumed you guys had been living in the same general area and evacuated to her home so while yours was inhabitable.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: LB on November 09, 2012, 03:27:31 PM

OP again. No sinister backstory here - haven't seen her in 6 years as we were relocated across the country from her for the past 6 years. She refuses to fly - to get her out of the house is a major coup. We could not afford to fly back and see her during that time. He speaks with her on the phone almost daily, so they have a pretty good relationship, although she just wants to chat with him and he gets impatient with that as well. We just got relocated back and she heard we were without power and offered us her home.

I was fine with DH going without dinner due to his poutiness the night before, and as I said, I reprimanded him for the coffee thing. He could have told her gently that the coffee was not brewed properly instead of dumping it down the drain and saying "I can't drink this s***".

I know I said before that I thought he was rude. Saying what he said raises it to hurtful, IMO. Maybe not deliberately so, but hurtful, nonetheless.

He could have just told her "Thanks for the thought, but instant isn't supposed to be brewed in the coffee maker."

It might be a kindness to tell her this in case she has coffee drinking guests in the future.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: MamaMootz on November 09, 2012, 07:25:09 PM
I'm sure there is additional back story here given he hasn't seen his mom in 6 years but was willing to call her up to request a favor of staying with her during an emergency.  But I agree with you that your DH is being a brat.

I'm sure he is dealing with some of his own personal issues like being displaced, maybe a little guilt about going so long without seeing his mom, maybe even concern about her personal finances.  But I think you are right that he needs to get over himself. 

Honestly, if my DH had complained about the dinner the night before and refused to eat and then reacted that way with the coffee the next morning, I think I'd be taking my MIL out for lunch and having us figure out a way to communicate while pouty boy stayed home and fixed his lunch just the way he liked it.

OP again. No sinister backstory here - haven't seen her in 6 years as we were relocated across the country from her for the past 6 years. She refuses to fly - to get her out of the house is a major coup. We could not afford to fly back and see her during that time. He speaks with her on the phone almost daily, so they have a pretty good relationship, although she just wants to chat with him and he gets impatient with that as well. We just got relocated back and she heard we were without power and offered us her home.

I was fine with DH going without dinner due to his poutiness the night before, and as I said, I reprimanded him for the coffee thing. He could have told her gently that the coffee was not brewed properly instead of dumping it down the drain and saying "I can't drink this s***".

Sorry for jumping to a conclusion.  I incorrectly assumed you guys had been living in the same general area and evacuated to her home so while yours was inhabitable.

Oh, no need for an apology - nobody is going to know the background unless I explain it.  :)
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: MamaMootz on November 09, 2012, 07:27:06 PM

OP again. No sinister backstory here - haven't seen her in 6 years as we were relocated across the country from her for the past 6 years. She refuses to fly - to get her out of the house is a major coup. We could not afford to fly back and see her during that time. He speaks with her on the phone almost daily, so they have a pretty good relationship, although she just wants to chat with him and he gets impatient with that as well. We just got relocated back and she heard we were without power and offered us her home.

I was fine with DH going without dinner due to his poutiness the night before, and as I said, I reprimanded him for the coffee thing. He could have told her gently that the coffee was not brewed properly instead of dumping it down the drain and saying "I can't drink this s***".

I know I said before that I thought he was rude. Saying what he said raises it to hurtful, IMO. Maybe not deliberately so, but hurtful, nonetheless.

He could have just told her "Thanks for the thought, but instant isn't supposed to be brewed in the coffee maker."

It might be a kindness to tell her this in case she has coffee drinking guests in the future.

And fortunately, she didn't understand what he said when he poured it down the drain, as he said it in the language she doesn't really understand all that well.  I knew the commentary was rude but at least she didn't understand what he said. The action was hurtful enough to her, I think. I believe her other son told her not to brew instant in the coffee maker again, so she knows better now.
Title: Re: Rude not to drink?
Post by: mindicherry on November 09, 2012, 09:20:05 PM
DH and I had a disagreement this past weekend while staying at his mom's house. She doesn't know how to cook very well and wanted to make me some coffee in the morning. She tried to brew instant coffee in her coffeemaker and it tasted just awful.

My question is this: do you drink the coffee anyway or do you tell his mom that it's bad?

I was of the opinion that I drink it anyway, because I don't want to insult her hospitality. I just took some sips from the cup and said my stomach was bothering me a bit, so I couldn't finish it and I left it at that.

DH picked up his cup and dumped it down the sink straightaway, stating he couldn't drink that.

I contend he was rude. Thoughts? Does the fact that this is his mom and family pay any part in whether or not it was rude?
If it was me and my mom (and my mom couldn't make a decent cup of coffee even if you held a gun to her head), I would have taken a sip and said "mom - stick to tea - you are good at that!".  My husband would have politely drank the coffee

With my MIL, it would be the same (except hubs would have told her her coffee was horrible and I would have taken a few sips until Hubs outburst gave me an "out" to stop drinking)

It just depends on the family dynamic!