Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Topic started by: CreteGirl on November 05, 2012, 07:04:16 PM

Title: Your son should live on campus
Post by: CreteGirl on November 05, 2012, 07:04:16 PM
We are fortunate to live in a city with a well respected university.  My son is a junior, and commutes about 45 minutes to get to class.  Because of the in-state tuition rate, we are able to pay for his college education without any loans or student aid.  We can do this because my son lives at home, saving us the cost of student housing.  My husband and I agree that my son should not have to work if he chooses not to, as long as he focuses on school and keeps his grades up.  We are also trying to teach him how to make smart financial decisions.  He graduated with highest distinction from Jr. college, and has no desire to live on campus.

However, some friends of ours think that our son should be living on campus, even going as far as saying we should buy him a house near campus.  They have brought it up several times, and each time we have told them clearly that we have made the right decision for our family. 

Saturday night we met them for dinner, and they once again brought it up, even going as far as to show my son a picture of a girl who is looking for a roommate at the college.  Again we stated that we have made a decision that works for our family.

i am irritated, because I feel like they are overstepping their bounds by trying to change a decision that they have no part of.

Am I over reacting?  What should I say next time they bring it up?

 
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: NyaChan on November 05, 2012, 07:08:53 PM
You are not overreacting - this is very odd behavior on their part.  I suspect they are projecting their own experiences onto your son, perhaps imagining him being tied to home against his will, rather than enjoying the independence that in their minds is crucial to growing up.  I would say the next time, "Friend, this is the Xth time you have brought this up, and quite frankly, I don't understand why.  Son made the decision that worked best for him and we as his parents support him.  This is not up for discussion and if you continue to bring it up, we will be leaving."
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: misha412 on November 05, 2012, 07:10:18 PM
What NyaChan said completely.

Your son is making a very smart decision to stay at home and rack up no debt going to college. You are great for giving him that chance.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: WillyNilly on November 05, 2012, 07:13:24 PM
wow.  They are way out of line! They really have no say in the matter, and unless they are willing to pay for your son's housing they need to stay out of it and not tell you how to spend your money.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: MrTango on November 05, 2012, 07:27:16 PM
I would ask them directly why they are so insistent on the matter.  Don't let them change the subject after you ask.

The more uncomfortable you make this conversation for them, the less likely they are to ever bring it up again.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: strawbabies on November 05, 2012, 07:29:15 PM
If they don't drop it, I'd stop socializing with them.  They're being very presumptuous in acting like they know what's best for your son and your money.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Hmmmmm on November 05, 2012, 08:30:52 PM
I would ask them directly why they are so insistent on the matter.  Don't let them change the subject after you ask.

The more uncomfortable you make this conversation for them, the less likely they are to ever bring it up again.

This.  But be prepared for them to really end up telling their opinions.  And it could damage your relationship with them for a long time.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Lady Snowdon on November 05, 2012, 08:44:57 PM
Wow!  These friends of yours actually tell you that you should buy a house for your son near campus?  That is way overstepping any boundaries I can think of!

That being said, I can kind of understand where they're coming from.  It's very firmly entrenched in many people's minds that you can only acquire the skills necessary to surviving on your own by actually living independently.  For many young adults, the first time they have a chance to live independently is when they go to college.  So your friends may feel that you are stifling your son, and preventing him from learning skills vital to living in the "real world".  This in no way gives them the right to make these comments to you guys, of course. 

Instead of saying "We made the right decision for us", can you focus on how this is something your son is okay with?  Start saying "Yes, and Son is very glad that he doesn't have to live on campus since he has no desire to do so".  That might be giving out too much information though. 
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Deetee on November 05, 2012, 08:46:20 PM
The only thing I can think of (and I still think they are overstepping) is if your son actually would prefer to live on campus (but I know you said he didn't).

I suppose I think of myself and even though I get along well with my family, I wanted to move out at  18 and I really enjoyed the freedom I had and I would have gladly taken on the debt. (I paid for my own university but had enough scholarships and a job to cover it)

So maybe it sound better of your son could tell them that he is happy with the arrangement.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Sharnita on November 05, 2012, 08:49:11 PM
I'd be tempted to say "wow, he will be so excited to hear that you have offered to pay for his room and board"
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: LeveeWoman on November 05, 2012, 08:53:37 PM
We are fortunate to live in a city with a well respected university.  My son is a junior, and commutes about 45 minutes to get to class.  Because of the in-state tuition rate, we are able to pay for his college education without any loans or student aid.  We can do this because my son lives at home, saving us the cost of student housing.  My husband and I agree that my son should not have to work if he chooses not to, as long as he focuses on school and keeps his grades up.  We are also trying to teach him how to make smart financial decisions.  He graduated with highest distinction from Jr. college, and has no desire to live on campus.

However, some friends of ours think that our son should be living on campus, even going as far as saying we should buy him a house near campus.  They have brought it up several times, and each time we have told them clearly that we have made the right decision for our family. 

Saturday night we met them for dinner, and they once again brought it up, even going as far as to show my son a picture of a girl who is looking for a roommate at the college.  Again we stated that we have made a decision that works for our family.

i am irritated, because I feel like they are overstepping their bounds by trying to change a decision that they have no part of.

Am I over reacting?  What should I say next time they bring it up?

 

They showed him a picture of a girl? Why? To entice him to live with her? Do they know her? Could she be a niece or some other relative whom they're trying to help pay for her own apartment?
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: O'Dell on November 05, 2012, 08:56:15 PM
I would ask them directly why they are so insistent on the matter.  Don't let them change the subject after you ask.

The more uncomfortable you make this conversation for them, the less likely they are to ever bring it up again.

I like this. But if you aren't up for it, then I agree with those saying that the emphasis should be on what your son wants and what he has decided. If he's around to tell them that, then all the better.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: kareng57 on November 05, 2012, 09:46:47 PM
Both of my kids lived at home while attending college.  We could afford to help them out with tuition - we couldn't afford to pay room-and-board for them simply to let them have the "college experience".  And honestly, I can't understand why anyone would think that the "college experience" is important for letting young people make smart financial decisions.  If Mom and Dad are paying room and board and providing an allowance - what's to stop Student from making a stupid decision to spend his allowance on a cool stereo system as opposed to needed clothing, for example?

But I agree that there's little point in engaging people with this mindset.  "This works for us" is likely the best bet.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: jedikaiti on November 05, 2012, 10:41:02 PM
For some folks, getting out from under Mom & Dad's roof and truly living on their own is a very important lesson. Not always an easy one, but an important one. Some people seriously chafe (did I spell that right?) if they're trying to become an adult while living with Mom & Dad. In my case, the point was made moot by me ruling out anything within a 1-state radius of my parents. :-) (They encouraged this, and it was definitely the right decision for us all.)

It is not, however, the right decision for everyone, and it sounds like your friends need a swift smack with a clue-by-four as to how boorish their behavior is. I like the previous posters' ideas for explaining to them exactly how far out of line they are, and even the suggestion to take their comments as an offer to pay for it if they prove particularly stubborn. OK, maybe that's a bit snarky, but it could be effective.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: violinp on November 05, 2012, 10:44:52 PM
Not everyone wants to, or can, live on campus...and that's okay! I would be saying, "What an interesting assumption. Beandip?" so much that I'd go hoarse.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: peaches on November 05, 2012, 10:56:05 PM
I would simply say "That subject is closed".

This has the virtue of being true; you aren't soliciting advice, your family has made its decision on the issue.

They may counter with something like "but we're only trying to help," etc. Reply: "As I said, the subject is closed."


Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Danika on November 05, 2012, 11:04:08 PM
I think the point is that they're beating a dead horse. It's not their place to keep pushing their opinions on you. They voiced their opinion once. Fine. Friends do that. But they need to drop it because it's none of their business.

I'd say something like "This subject isn't up for debate. Please, drop it."

If there is silence after that, then you can bean-dip and say "Now, who would like some tea?"

But if they counter with "But, you're robbing him of the opportunity to..." or something where they're trying to continue, I'd say "I mean it. We're the parents. We've made the decision. It is not your place to try to convince us otherwise. We're not discussing this." I would never JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) unless you want to get into a debate.

It's not about the matter at hand, it's about the fact that they're sticking their noses in your business and it doesn't matter what the subject is. It's not their place to tell your family how to do things.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Emmy on November 06, 2012, 05:57:45 AM
Wow!  These friends of yours actually tell you that you should buy a house for your son near campus?  That is way overstepping any boundaries I can think of!

That being said, I can kind of understand where they're coming from.  It's very firmly entrenched in many people's minds that you can only acquire the skills necessary to surviving on your own by actually living independently.  For many young adults, the first time they have a chance to live independently is when they go to college.  So your friends may feel that you are stifling your son, and preventing him from learning skills vital to living in the "real world".  This in no way gives them the right to make these comments to you guys, of course. 

Instead of saying "We made the right decision for us", can you focus on how this is something your son is okay with?  Start saying "Yes, and Son is very glad that he doesn't have to live on campus since he has no desire to do so".  That might be giving out too much information though.

They have the right to their opinions, but they don't have the right to badger the OP about it over and over.  The OP's son had plenty of time to live on his own after college so I don't feel all those arguments about you stifling him or preventing him from living in the 'real world' are valid.  (If he had a job and wanted to move out, but you insisted he stay, that would be a different story).  Just because college is the first time many people live outside their parents home doesn't mean that he will never learn life skills if he chooses to live at home.  Besides, just because a young man or woman lives away from home does not actually mean they are learning life skills, especially if their parents are footing the bill.  Many children move back into their parents homes after college in part due to finances.  The OP's son would be starting his adult life without debt.

As others have said, what is right for one person may not be right for another person.  This decision works for the OP and her family and her friends should accept that and move on.

If they bring it up, I would say what Danika suggested, simply the subject isn't up for debate and not to bring it up again.  Maybe I throw in if it means so much to them, they should put up the money for son's housing.  If they are unwilling to do that, they should drop it forever.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: StoutGirl on November 06, 2012, 08:26:43 AM
Your friends certainly have no business in the matter.

From personal experience, I too commute from home to campus (about 45 minutes as well), although I lived on campus for the first 3 and a half years.  I enjoyed the freedom, but the room mates got on my nerves frequently.  I commuted all last year and it is nice knowing that the loan will be a little smaller because of it.  When I return to my normal campus in the spring, I will be commuting again.  If your son is interested in having a special college experience, I would highly recommend study abroad or exchange opportunities.  Those experiences are far more fun and valuable.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: bopper on November 06, 2012, 09:05:18 AM
"I think there is something to be said for students living on campus so that they can gain some independence, but there is also something to be said for graduating without debt.  We have chosen no debt, but I am sure he would be willing to if you would be willing to fund it.  No?  Well this way works best for us."
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: wx4caster on November 06, 2012, 09:08:43 AM
I'd be tempted to say "wow, he will be so excited to hear that you have offered to pay for his room and board"

LOL  That is one temptation I would not be able to resist.  Nobody has the right to tell you how to spend your money.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Cat-Fu on November 06, 2012, 10:48:57 AM
I am another who sees where they are coming from. Honestly, you can often get room & board for free for being an RA, so debt isn't really the greatest excuse—I wouldn't even bother using using it.

That said, they are being boors. I'd start getting a little annoyed with them. "Yes, you've said your opinion on this before, but we've made our decision on this—why do you keep badgering us about it??"
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Judah on November 06, 2012, 10:51:52 AM
I am another who sees where they are coming from. Honestly, you can often get room & board for free for being an RA, so debt isn't really the greatest excuse—I wouldn't even bother using using it.

Not at either of the colleges my kids go to, or the one I went to.

OP, this would really annoy the heck out of me.  "Why do you keep bringing this up? DS doesn't want to live on campus, but you seem oddly invested in him doing so. Please stop."
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: CreteGirl on November 06, 2012, 10:54:01 AM
We are fortunate to live in a city with a well respected university.  My son is a junior, and commutes about 45 minutes to get to class.  Because of the in-state tuition rate, we are able to pay for his college education without any loans or student aid.  We can do this because my son lives at home, saving us the cost of student housing.  My husband and I agree that my son should not have to work if he chooses not to, as long as he focuses on school and keeps his grades up.  We are also trying to teach him how to make smart financial decisions.  He graduated with highest distinction from Jr. college, and has no desire to live on campus.

However, some friends of ours think that our son should be living on campus, even going as far as saying we should buy him a house near campus.  They have brought it up several times, and each time we have told them clearly that we have made the right decision for our family. 

Saturday night we met them for dinner, and they once again brought it up, even going as far as to show my son a picture of a girl who is looking for a roommate at the college.  Again we stated that we have made a decision that works for our family.

i am irritated, because I feel like they are overstepping their bounds by trying to change a decision that they have no part of.

Am I over reacting?  What should I say next time they bring it up?

 

They showed him a picture of a girl? Why? To entice him to live with her? Do they know her? Could she be a niece or some other relative whom they're trying to help pay for her own apartment?

Yes, I believe they showed him the picture of the girl to entice him to live with her.  I found that especially troublesome, like they were using her as "bait". 

She is not a relative they are trying to help, just someone they know.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Cat-Fu on November 06, 2012, 11:01:30 AM
I am another who sees where they are coming from. Honestly, you can often get room & board for free for being an RA, so debt isn't really the greatest excuse—I wouldn't even bother using using it.

Not at either of the colleges my kids go to, or the one I went to.


I did say "often," not "always," but TBH it is really unusual for an RA (or the equivalent) to *not* get free room & board. (I worked in college housing for quite a while after college...)
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: BeagleMommy on November 06, 2012, 11:55:24 AM
CreteGirl, we are in an identical situation.  DS goes to a small community college about 45 minutes drive from our home.  They do not have dorms.  Students who come from other cities/states/countries find housing off campus.  The tuition is so low that DS will have only minor loans to repay.  He has a part-time job but it doesn't pay enough to afford him the luxury of living on his own.  He pays his cell phone bill and keeps himself in pocket/gas money.

Friends of the family (not close ones) insisted we were doing him a huge disservice by not insisting he live away from home.

Our response was always "our kid, our decision" followed by "oh look, The Beagle has learned to make margaritas" (beandip as appropriate).
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: EMuir on November 06, 2012, 12:14:17 PM
In University I was so jealous of my peers whose parents lived nearby so they could live at home! To have meals ready for you, use of the family car possible, and usually a much nicer living situation where they didn't have to deal with partying roomies... plus lower student loans.  What's not to like?

Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Harriet Jones on November 06, 2012, 12:19:21 PM
Living on campus can be a lot of fun (and can have other advantages), but not being in debt is also pretty great!  I can't believe someone would suggest *buying* a house for a college student.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: TootsNYC on November 06, 2012, 12:31:41 PM
Living on campus can be a lot of fun (and can have other advantages), but not being in debt is also pretty great!  I can't believe someone would suggest *buying* a house for a college student.

It's the new financial strategy: Buy the house, own it for 4 years, get roommates, and then sell it 4 years later (hopefully at a profit, or at break-even).

Of course, it has other costs, but there are people who've actually made money this way. Of course, they have to HAVE the money in the first place to buy it. And it assumes an ever-rising housing market.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Emmy on November 06, 2012, 12:50:13 PM
I am another who sees where they are coming from. Honestly, you can often get room & board for free for being an RA, so debt isn't really the greatest excuse—I wouldn't even bother using using it.

Not at either of the colleges my kids go to, or the one I went to.


I did say "often," not "always," but TBH it is really unusual for an RA (or the equivalent) to *not* get free room & board. (I worked in college housing for quite a while after college...)

RA's on our campus got free room and board too.  However, not everybody is cut out to be an RA or would enjoy that type of job and I am sure there are more people who are interested in the position than jobs available.  It certainly isn't a universal answer for anybody who is worried about room and board costs.

The OP and her family don't wish for the son to live on campus.  She shouldn't have to defend herself or make excuses to people who won't take 'no' for an answer.  It is one thing to have a discussion about it and for each side to give their reasons why they feel the way they do.  It is another thing for the OP's friends to continually push the issue after the OP has made her answer clear.

This argument is similar to many life decision arguements, I'll using having kids as an example.  If your friend is childfree by choice, it would be rude to bring up having kids constantly, insist how she is missing out, and not dropping the subject when she says she is not interested.  There are many wonderful things about having kids, but also many wonderful things about remaining childfree as well.  If your friend made the right choice for herself, it would be rude to talk her out of it because that isn't the choice you made for yourself.  Just like living on campus is right for some people, but choosing to save the money on housing is a better decision for others. 
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: TootsNYC on November 06, 2012, 12:54:19 PM

RA's on our campus got free room and board too.  However, not everybody is cut out to be an RA or would enjoy that type of job and I am sure there are more people who are interested in the position than jobs available.  It certainly isn't a universal answer for anybody who is worried about room and board costs.


And, the OP and her family aren't worried about room and board costs--they have them covered. They're using the family home for that.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Mikayla on November 06, 2012, 01:19:31 PM
I would ask them directly why they are so insistent on the matter.  Don't let them change the subject after you ask.

The more uncomfortable you make this conversation for them, the less likely they are to ever bring it up again.

This.  But be prepared for them to really end up telling their opinions.  And it could damage your relationship with them for a long time.

I agree with both of you, but on the issue of damaging the friendship, I think it's headed in that direction already.  This is astoundingly intrusive.  If OP asks politely about it, and these other people react inappropriately, I wouldn't particularly care if it soured things. 

Anyway, I'm a huge fan of question-as-response.  It moves the spotlight to the rude person and the response can be intriguing.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Cat-Fu on November 06, 2012, 01:19:57 PM
It case it wasn't clear, I brought up the financial benefits of being an RA to point out an argument these friends would likely use if the OP brought up not wanting debt as an excuse.

TBH I don't think the OP should be making any excuses at all—this is a decision that is none of their business!
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: jedikaiti on November 06, 2012, 02:25:17 PM
CreteGirl, we are in an identical situation.  DS goes to a small community college about 45 minutes drive from our home.  They do not have dorms.  Students who come from other cities/states/countries find housing off campus.  The tuition is so low that DS will have only minor loans to repay.  He has a part-time job but it doesn't pay enough to afford him the luxury of living on his own.  He pays his cell phone bill and keeps himself in pocket/gas money.

Friends of the family (not close ones) insisted we were doing him a huge disservice by not insisting he live away from home.

Our response was always "our kid, our decision" followed by "oh look, The Beagle has learned to make margaritas" (beandip as appropriate).

That's even better than "gotta go, cat's on fire"
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Bijou on November 06, 2012, 03:01:25 PM
We are fortunate to live in a city with a well respected university.  My son is a junior, and commutes about 45 minutes to get to class.  Because of the in-state tuition rate, we are able to pay for his college education without any loans or student aid.  We can do this because my son lives at home, saving us the cost of student housing.  My husband and I agree that my son should not have to work if he chooses not to, as long as he focuses on school and keeps his grades up.  We are also trying to teach him how to make smart financial decisions.  He graduated with highest distinction from Jr. college, and has no desire to live on campus.

However, some friends of ours think that our son should be living on campus, even going as far as saying we should buy him a house near campus.  They have brought it up several times, and each time we have told them clearly that we have made the right decision for our family. 

Saturday night we met them for dinner, and they once again brought it up, even going as far as to show my son a picture of a girl who is looking for a roommate at the college.  Again we stated that we have made a decision that works for our family.

i am irritated, because I feel like they are overstepping their bounds by trying to change a decision that they have no part of.

Am I over reacting?  What should I say next time they bring it up?

 
I wouldn't give them another opportunity to bring it up.  I wouldn't consider them friends of mine if they persisted in interfering in my family business.  I wonder how the girl or her parents would feel about them showing her picture to a stranger in order to tempt him to have her as a roommate.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: TootsNYC on November 06, 2012, 04:06:15 PM
It really bothers me that they're showing this girl's picture to him.

As if it matters what she *looks* like, as if that would be an appeal to your son if he were looking for a roommate. Isn't that called "procurement" in legal circles?

And it's disrespectful to your son. And to the young lady.

Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Diane AKA Traska on November 06, 2012, 04:10:59 PM
Y'know, if I were going to college, I'd gladly drive an hour each way just to *not* have to live on campus.  I do not like shared living arrangements unless I know the person and like them a LOT.  So far, M is the only person I've shared living arrangements with outside of family... at least, of my own will.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Texas Mom on November 06, 2012, 04:30:09 PM
Y'know, if I were going to college, I'd gladly drive an hour each way just to *not* have to live on campus.  I do not like shared living arrangements unless I know the person and like them a LOT.  So far, M is the only person I've shared living arrangements with outside of family... at least, of my own will.

DD got out of the dorm as quickly as she could.  She got tired of being subjected to irresponsible drinking, round robin scrabble and the drama that accompanied it.

OP, tell your friend the topic is not up for discussion.  If they don't respect you enough to drop it, it's time to cut back on the amount of time you spend with them.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Bijou on November 06, 2012, 06:41:48 PM
It really bothers me that they're showing this girl's picture to him.

As if it matters what she *looks* like, as if that would be an appeal to your son if he were looking for a roommate. Isn't that called "procurement" in legal circles?

And it's disrespectful to your son. And to the young lady.
My thought, exactly, TootsNYC. 
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: aiki on November 07, 2012, 02:19:09 AM
I am another who sees where they are coming from. Honestly, you can often get room & board for free for being an RA, so debt isn't really the greatest excuse—I wouldn't even bother using using it.

That said, they are being boors. I'd start getting a little annoyed with them. "Yes, you've said your opinion on this before, but we've made our decision on this—why do you keep badgering us about it??"

An RA should have some experience of actually living the dorm lifestyle before being expected to supervise others doing so.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Redsoil on November 07, 2012, 05:18:44 AM
"Yes, we're well aware of your opinion.  You seem to be inferring that you know what's best for someone else's child, but I'm sure you don't mean it to come across that way."

Hopefully, they'll never bring it up again, after trying to backtrack their way out of it.  Cut off the backtrackiing with major amounts of beandip.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: scotcat60 on November 07, 2012, 06:15:29 AM
It really bothers me that they're showing this girl's picture to him.

Does you son have a girlfriend? They may feel that they are introducing him to a girl who will be, as some people think that others should have a partner, without thinking that the best way for some is to make thier own choices. It would bother me too. I heard of a case where a well meaning relative introduced a girl to a young man on the grounds that she was new in town, and needed friends. She ended up concentrating on him rather than on her studies, got pregnant, left college, and the relationship broke up.

(edited to add that I'm sure your son will behave responsibly)
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: LeeLieLow on November 07, 2012, 06:51:48 AM
As a college student, I lived on campus and found it to be a wonderful opportunity to make life long friends, be semi independant and have fun.  I would recommend living on campus to a college student.  Then I would respect their decision/opinion regarding their living arrangements and finances.  Tell friends to myob.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: lady_disdain on November 07, 2012, 07:43:16 AM
From what I have heard from friends and read here on Ehell, I have serious doubts that living in a college dorm is the only (or even the best) way to become an independent adult. It may be great for some, ok for others and not work at all for some. The friends have expressed their opinion and should now shut up about it.

However, at this point, I do not think it is as easy as saying "we are the parents, we have decided", as previous posters have said. I assume that a college kid is over 18 and, therefore, can make his own choice, including getting massive amounts of debt. Making it all the parents' decision would seem to indicate that your son isn't being allowed to function as an adult, which would be fuel for the comments. Something as simple as "We have all talked about it and Son is comfortable with his decision" may be better.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: yokozbornak on November 07, 2012, 08:03:09 AM
I am another who sees where they are coming from. Honestly, you can often get room & board for free for being an RA, so debt isn't really the greatest excuse—I wouldn't even bother using using it.

Not at either of the colleges my kids go to, or the one I went to.



I did say "often," not "always," but TBH it is really unusual for an RA (or the equivalent) to *not* get free room & board. (I worked in college housing for quite a while after college...)

I was an RA in school, and it was considered a work study job.  Evey school is different.  Also, my school wouldn't allow you to be an RA until your senior year so even if it did cover room and board, there will still other years that I would have been responsible for.

OP, I think your son's choice to live at home to avoid debt is very wise, and I think you need to tell your friends that they need to mind their own business and that the topic is not up for discussion.  I speak as someone whose college debt was all from my room and board.  I had planned to live at home and communte to avoid loans, but my parents basically kicked me out and let me know I was on my own.  I loved living on my own even though I didn't have two nickels to run together, but I would rather have had parents who cared about my well-being and my future.  Your son is blessed to have parents who are helping him see the big picture and how decisions he makes now will affect him for the rest of his life. 
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Zilla on November 07, 2012, 08:14:30 AM
Have they told you why they want him to live on campus?  Ask them directly, "Why are you so interested in seeing him live on campus if he doesn't want to?"  It's really puzzling that they are so insistent on this and not even related to you all.  As for campus living, I have known many who tried it and hated it.  Went back home.  It's not for everyone and it's not the only way to learn independent living either.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: HermioneGranger on November 07, 2012, 08:46:54 AM
Pretty much everyone I knew commuted to school.  Why live on campus with all of the drama it can entail when you can go home to peace and quiet and your own bed at night?  Besides, no room and board meant cheaper tuition. 
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Winterlight on November 07, 2012, 09:01:47 AM
I'd be tempted to say "wow, he will be so excited to hear that you have offered to pay for his room and board"

Me too. Am I a bad person for wanting you to deliver this line in an excited voice, sounding pleased?
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Sophia on November 07, 2012, 11:29:21 AM
Y'know, if I were going to college, I'd gladly drive an hour each way just to *not* have to live on campus.  I do not like shared living arrangements unless I know the person and like them a LOT.  So far, M is the only person I've shared living arrangements with outside of family... at least, of my own will.

Me, too.  I loved NOT living on campus. 
My friends that did live on campus weren't independent.  The University just replaced their parents.  They didn't have to cook, or wash dishes.  The RA enforced rules.  They didn't have to work or pay bills.  So, really, not living like independent adults. 
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: NyaChan on November 07, 2012, 11:32:21 AM
I lived on campus.  I loved it & it did teach me how to live on my own in a halfway house sort of way.  Getting my own apartment was far less of a shock due to my time in the dorms.  No it isn't for everyone, but it has its pros & cons just like living at home does. 
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: jaxsue on November 07, 2012, 12:22:30 PM
I lived on campus, but college was 4 hrs from my home so it was a no-brainer. Also, it was a strict religious college so we didn't have all that much fun.  :P

I LOL at the friend's suggestion that the OP buy a house for the college student. I have heard of people doing this, but they are only the most wealthy, IIRC. Most of us are trying to make it month-to-month, so this is a totally foreign idea. As for housing going up in value, well, that is a real gamble nowadays. Nothing's a guarantee anymore.

My son lived at home for his first 2.5 yrs of college. It made it much more affordable, and he didn't miss out on anything. He still had a great social life. A few months ago, at age 21, he got his first apt with 2 friends. I am really proud of him; he's learning how to budget and dealing with adult responsibilities. And he, personally, didn't need a dorm room to get to that place.

Nothing wrong with living on campus. It's not a black/white thing, but the intrusiveness of these friends is astounding.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: MissRose on November 07, 2012, 12:34:55 PM
I had a similar commute like the OP's son for most of my college career but lived at home.  My last year of school to gain my bachelor degree, my parents paid for me to live on campus due to the commute time 1 way alone  equaled  the round trip each day I made to the community college.  It worked out well, I worked part time, school full time and during some of the bad winter weather, I had no need to worry about commuting beyond bundling up in a coat, hat, gloves and boots to walk to and from class from the dorms. 

Personally, I wished I got to live away sooner during college, but it was not financially for me at the time.  I was able to save a bit of money during the time I worked during my after uni job search for my first place.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: LeveeWoman on November 07, 2012, 01:47:46 PM
We are fortunate to live in a city with a well respected university.  My son is a junior, and commutes about 45 minutes to get to class.  Because of the in-state tuition rate, we are able to pay for his college education without any loans or student aid.  We can do this because my son lives at home, saving us the cost of student housing.  My husband and I agree that my son should not have to work if he chooses not to, as long as he focuses on school and keeps his grades up.  We are also trying to teach him how to make smart financial decisions.  He graduated with highest distinction from Jr. college, and has no desire to live on campus.

However, some friends of ours think that our son should be living on campus, even going as far as saying we should buy him a house near campus.  They have brought it up several times, and each time we have told them clearly that we have made the right decision for our family. 

Saturday night we met them for dinner, and they once again brought it up, even going as far as to show my son a picture of a girl who is looking for a roommate at the college.  Again we stated that we have made a decision that works for our family.

i am irritated, because I feel like they are overstepping their bounds by trying to change a decision that they have no part of.

Am I over reacting?  What should I say next time they bring it up?

 

They showed him a picture of a girl? Why? To entice him to live with her? Do they know her? Could she be a niece or some other relative whom they're trying to help pay for her own apartment?

Yes, I believe they showed him the picture of the girl to entice him to live with her.  I found that especially troublesome, like they were using her as "bait". 

She is not a relative they are trying to help, just someone they know.

Oh, they're just awful people! Trying to use s*x to get him to do what they want?
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Danika on November 07, 2012, 02:36:33 PM
We are fortunate to live in a city with a well respected university.  My son is a junior, and commutes about 45 minutes to get to class.  Because of the in-state tuition rate, we are able to pay for his college education without any loans or student aid.  We can do this because my son lives at home, saving us the cost of student housing.  My husband and I agree that my son should not have to work if he chooses not to, as long as he focuses on school and keeps his grades up.  We are also trying to teach him how to make smart financial decisions.  He graduated with highest distinction from Jr. college, and has no desire to live on campus.

However, some friends of ours think that our son should be living on campus, even going as far as saying we should buy him a house near campus.  They have brought it up several times, and each time we have told them clearly that we have made the right decision for our family. 

Saturday night we met them for dinner, and they once again brought it up, even going as far as to show my son a picture of a girl who is looking for a roommate at the college.  Again we stated that we have made a decision that works for our family.

i am irritated, because I feel like they are overstepping their bounds by trying to change a decision that they have no part of.

Am I over reacting?  What should I say next time they bring it up?

 

They showed him a picture of a girl? Why? To entice him to live with her? Do they know her? Could she be a niece or some other relative whom they're trying to help pay for her own apartment?

Yes, I believe they showed him the picture of the girl to entice him to live with her.  I found that especially troublesome, like they were using her as "bait". 

She is not a relative they are trying to help, just someone they know.

Oh, they're just awful people! Trying to use s*x to get him to do what they want?

Additionally, maybe the OP and/or her son don't want him living with roommates of the opposite gender. Even if he lives on campus and they're all for it, maybe they don't want him having roommates who are female. Who are the friends to make that decision?
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: LeveeWoman on November 07, 2012, 02:37:58 PM
We are fortunate to live in a city with a well respected university.  My son is a junior, and commutes about 45 minutes to get to class.  Because of the in-state tuition rate, we are able to pay for his college education without any loans or student aid.  We can do this because my son lives at home, saving us the cost of student housing.  My husband and I agree that my son should not have to work if he chooses not to, as long as he focuses on school and keeps his grades up.  We are also trying to teach him how to make smart financial decisions.  He graduated with highest distinction from Jr. college, and has no desire to live on campus.

However, some friends of ours think that our son should be living on campus, even going as far as saying we should buy him a house near campus.  They have brought it up several times, and each time we have told them clearly that we have made the right decision for our family. 

Saturday night we met them for dinner, and they once again brought it up, even going as far as to show my son a picture of a girl who is looking for a roommate at the college.  Again we stated that we have made a decision that works for our family.

i am irritated, because I feel like they are overstepping their bounds by trying to change a decision that they have no part of.

Am I over reacting?  What should I say next time they bring it up?

 

They showed him a picture of a girl? Why? To entice him to live with her? Do they know her? Could she be a niece or some other relative whom they're trying to help pay for her own apartment?

Yes, I believe they showed him the picture of the girl to entice him to live with her.  I found that especially troublesome, like they were using her as "bait". 

She is not a relative they are trying to help, just someone they know.

Oh, they're just awful people! Trying to use s*x to get him to do what they want?

Additionally, maybe the OP and/or her son don't want him living with roommates of the opposite gender. Even if he lives on campus and they're all for it, maybe they don't want him having roommates who are female. Who are the friends to make that decision?

If they don't stop, I'd cut back on seeing them.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: MerryCat on November 07, 2012, 03:15:50 PM
I'd be tempted to say "wow, he will be so excited to hear that you have offered to pay for his room and board"

LOL  That is one temptation I would not be able to resist.  Nobody has the right to tell you how to spend your money.

I actually like this suggestion. I'm not sure if it would be considered rudeness or PA to use this tactic every time they bring up the subject. But, on the other hand, they are imposing on your boundaries, so I think it might just count as defending your boundaries.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Drawberry on November 07, 2012, 03:55:14 PM
I'd be pretty flabbergasted if my adult friends where showing off females looking for roommates to my son like it was some kind of car show.

What are they trying to due, tempt him with the notion of sex? It sure felt like it while reading that, and I'd be absolutely shocked to see my own friends behaving that way.

It's like, what are you trying to do? Show him that if he goes and lives on campus he can pick from any girl he wants like a crane machine?!

It's upsetting on many levels, one that they'd use women to 'lure' your son out of his comfort zone and two that they're abusing the struggles of a strange young girl you don't even know.

Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: CreteGirl on November 07, 2012, 05:38:33 PM
I think the other part of what is bothering me is that they purposely brought a picture of the girl to show him.  It makes the whole topic seem "premeditated", instead of just something that came up during a normal course of conversation.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Drawberry on November 07, 2012, 05:43:34 PM
I think the other part of what is bothering me is that they purposely brought a picture of the girl to show him.  It makes the whole topic seem "premeditated", instead of just something that came up during a normal course of conversation.

This as well.

It is one thing to comment "Oh if your looking to live on campus I know a young lady who is not opposed to housing with a man, I can give you her information if you like" and whipping out a photograph of her like she's some kind of prize for moving out of your parents home.

Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: LeveeWoman on November 07, 2012, 06:05:50 PM
I think the other part of what is bothering me is that they purposely brought a picture of the girl to show him.  It makes the whole topic seem "premeditated", instead of just something that came up during a normal course of conversation.

I wonder if they promised her or her parents to help find her a roomie.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Danika on November 07, 2012, 06:13:42 PM
I think the other part of what is bothering me is that they purposely brought a picture of the girl to show him.  It makes the whole topic seem "premeditated", instead of just something that came up during a normal course of conversation.

I wonder if they promised her or her parents to help find her a roomie.

Ohhh, so something's in it for them. They're not just trying to be helpful! That might explain the pushiness.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: LeveeWoman on November 07, 2012, 06:22:48 PM
I think the other part of what is bothering me is that they purposely brought a picture of the girl to show him.  It makes the whole topic seem "premeditated", instead of just something that came up during a normal course of conversation.

I wonder if they promised her or her parents to help find her a roomie.

Ohhh, so something's in it for them. They're not just trying to be helpful! That might explain the pushiness.

It makes sense to me.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: jedikaiti on November 07, 2012, 08:59:27 PM
I think the other part of what is bothering me is that they purposely brought a picture of the girl to show him.  It makes the whole topic seem "premeditated", instead of just something that came up during a normal course of conversation.

And I have to wonder... does the girl or her parents know that they're doing this? Sure, maybe they said they'd help find her a roommate, but do they know the friends are using her pic as bait?
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: mbbored on November 07, 2012, 10:38:33 PM
I lived on campus.  I loved it & it did teach me how to live on my own in a halfway house sort of way.  Getting my own apartment was far less of a shock due to my time in the dorms.  No it isn't for everyone, but it has its pros & cons just like living at home does.

This was my experience as well. However, in my opinion the point of this thread is not the merits of living at home versus away from home during college: it's how to deal with people who keep pushing in an area that's none of their business.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: zyrs on November 07, 2012, 11:42:51 PM
You are not overreacting - this is very odd behavior on their part.  I suspect they are projecting their own experiences onto your son, perhaps imagining him being tied to home against his will, rather than enjoying the independence that in their minds is crucial to growing up.  I would say the next time, "Friend, this is the Xth time you have brought this up, and quite frankly, I don't understand why.  Son made the decision that worked best for him and we as his parents support him.  This is not up for discussion and if you continue to bring it up, we will be leaving."

This is probably the best way to handle it.  Them whipping out the girl's picture is very creepy.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: baritone108 on November 08, 2012, 11:33:28 AM
Am I over reacting?  What should I say next time they bring it up?

Try bean-dipping with a comment about the debt-free living class you all took/book you read and how you highly recommend it to them.  Each time they talk about your son living on campus you start talking about debt free living resources.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Emmy on November 08, 2012, 01:05:01 PM
I think the other part of what is bothering me is that they purposely brought a picture of the girl to show him.  It makes the whole topic seem "premeditated", instead of just something that came up during a normal course of conversation.

And I have to wonder... does the girl or her parents know that they're doing this? Sure, maybe they said they'd help find her a roommate, but do they know the friends are using her pic as bait?

If I was the girl or her parents, I would find it quite violating for them to be using her picture to attempt to lure the OP's son.  I don't know how else to take it than this couple tempting a young man with a picture of a hot female roommate.  Others have a good point about this couple possibly having another agenda.  It is one thing to bring up living on campus in a discussion, it is quite another thing to keep harping on it to the point that they have scoped out a place for son to live and have a picture of a potential roommate on hand to show the OP's son. 
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: SPuck on November 08, 2012, 03:48:28 PM
I LOL at the friend's suggestion that the OP buy a house for the college student. I have heard of people doing this, but they are only the most wealthy, IIRC. Most of us are trying to make it month-to-month, so this is a totally foreign idea. As for housing going up in value, well, that is a real gamble nowadays. Nothing's a guarantee anymore.

I think it depends on the situation, and if you like to invest in property. I read a story where I guy bought a house for both his sons attending college and it ended up costing them less because they were also renting rooms to other college kids than if they had lived in the dorm.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Jones on November 08, 2012, 04:07:02 PM
I LOL at the friend's suggestion that the OP buy a house for the college student. I have heard of people doing this, but they are only the most wealthy, IIRC. Most of us are trying to make it month-to-month, so this is a totally foreign idea. As for housing going up in value, well, that is a real gamble nowadays. Nothing's a guarantee anymore.

I think it depends on the situation, and if you like to invest in property. I read a story where I guy bought a house for both his sons attending college and it ended up costing them less because they were also renting rooms to other college kids than if they had lived in the dorm.

This only works for well behaved renters. I used to rent out a house and let me tell you, it got Expensive. Some people have no personal sense of responsibility.
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Danika on November 08, 2012, 04:12:01 PM
I LOL at the friend's suggestion that the OP buy a house for the college student. I have heard of people doing this, but they are only the most wealthy, IIRC. Most of us are trying to make it month-to-month, so this is a totally foreign idea. As for housing going up in value, well, that is a real gamble nowadays. Nothing's a guarantee anymore.

I think it depends on the situation, and if you like to invest in property. I read a story where I guy bought a house for both his sons attending college and it ended up costing them less because they were also renting rooms to other college kids than if they had lived in the dorm.

This only works for well behaved renters. I used to rent out a house and let me tell you, it got Expensive. Some people have no personal sense of responsibility.

I had four friends, when we were all just out of college, and one bought a 4-bedroom 2-car-garage house and rented rooms to the other three. I once praised him for his wise decision to purchase property at such a young age. I said "It's such a great investment. Good for you!" to which he replied "Yeah, if you like having your friends destroy your house! And being there to watch them do it!"
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: littlebird on November 08, 2012, 04:20:38 PM
Honestly, when they talk to you, just say "Son has decided to live with us, and we're happy to have him" and he can prepare a similar response. And then just repeat it word for word it they continue to engage. And you son can say "I'm happy with my current living arrangements."

(thus speaks the adult phd student living with her parents because stipends do not equal living expenses)
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Giggity on November 08, 2012, 06:21:15 PM
Am I over reacting?  What should I say next time they bring it up?

"Why do you keep bringing this up? Why is this so important to you?"
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: jaxsue on November 08, 2012, 06:46:01 PM
I LOL at the friend's suggestion that the OP buy a house for the college student. I have heard of people doing this, but they are only the most wealthy, IIRC. Most of us are trying to make it month-to-month, so this is a totally foreign idea. As for housing going up in value, well, that is a real gamble nowadays. Nothing's a guarantee anymore.

I think it depends on the situation, and if you like to invest in property. I read a story where I guy bought a house for both his sons attending college and it ended up costing them less because they were also renting rooms to other college kids than if they had lived in the dorm.

Dorm living can be expensive, that's for sure.

I can't help but think of NJ prices where I used to live; the average price for a home wax $400k!  :o
Title: Re: Your son should live on campus
Post by: Shea on November 08, 2012, 07:27:01 PM
I lived in the dorms for two years as an undergraduate, and hated every second of it. I'd have given anything to commute from home (but given that home was a 5 hour drive away, this would have been impractical). I also know people who absolutely loved living in the dorms. The OP and son have made a decision that works for them, and these "friends" need to butt out.

I think that the best solution, since they are apparently extremely persistent, is to tell them, firmly and politely, that everyone involved is happy with the living arrangements, that they are not up for discussion, and ask that they not bring the subject up again, since it's intrusive. Hopefully they'll get the message.