Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Topic started by: Pippen on November 20, 2012, 07:58:19 PM

Title: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Pippen on November 20, 2012, 07:58:19 PM
So a friend of mine who I absolutely adore lives just down the road has just had her baby. I have not seen her in ages. I just saw her and her husband pushing bubs down the street in a pram. Lots of waves and smiles and I told her I would come and see her ASAP, as in today.

I haven't seen her for ages because pregnancy scares the living daylights out of me. I know it is the most natural thing in the world and I was delighted for her when she told me as I know how much her and her husband wanted a baby. The thought of of it just fills me with dread and giving birth would be about the scariest thing ever conceived (sorry about the pun). The thought of people I care about having to go through it, basically I just can't cope with. I think I have a handle on why this is as my brother has a similar response. I know it is irrational but I always think they are going to die giving birth.

So when I do see her do I offer my apologies and tell her I am useless and need to be soundly beaten for being a slack friend, or do I tell her the truth which just sounds totally crazy? I have mentioned this in passing to her many years ago but she may have forgotten or not be aware of the extent of it. Any the moment I am erring towards of saying anything as I may very well burst into tears at the thought of it and then she really will think I am nuts.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: VorFemme on November 20, 2012, 08:00:25 PM
The universal "excuse" is that you've been crazy busy the last few months.....by sheer coincidence, it was about eight or nine months.....but don't mention that.

Then ask about how Bubs is NOW and don't ask any questions about pregnancy, labor, or childbirth - only what came after the pregnancy was over.

Or maybe just go on and on about how cute the Bubs is!
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Sharnita on November 20, 2012, 08:01:39 PM
Actually, I'd take the hit and admit the truth rather than claim you have been too busy.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Pippen on November 20, 2012, 08:09:01 PM
Actually, I'd take the hit and admit the truth rather than claim you have been too busy.

Too busy would be a massive lie and she knows would know it, so I think the truth would be best but I don't want to upset her by me getting freaked out. I bet it is the cutest baby in the world seeing both her and hubby are ridiculously good looking. Hopefully she is so thrilled with the new arrival she can see beyond my not insignificant failings.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: gramma dishes on November 20, 2012, 08:18:10 PM
I'm trying to figure out how you would even begin to tell her the "truth".  Somehow, the explanation "I get so freaked out when anyone I know and care about is going to have a baby because I'm afraid they'll die" just doesn't quite sound like the way to go.

I don't know that you have to say anything.  It's possible that she does remember your previous conversation and understands why you haven't been around.  Or maybe she doesn't.  But I think sometimes it's just best to pick up where you are now and move forward. 

Go visit them and their new little one and maybe take the baby a gift.  Don't make excuses for not having been around.  They aren't necessary.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: SamiHami on November 20, 2012, 08:35:40 PM
I agree with Gramma Dishes,  but if pushed for a reason for having avoided her before the birth you wouldn't be out of line to say, perhaps a bit sheepishly, "I'm so sorry friend, but the truth is that I have a phobia regarding pregnancy and childbirth, not just for myself but for other people as well. I know it's sort of odd, but that's the truth of it. I hope you understand. But oh my gosh your baby is just the most beautiful child I've ever seen!"

For that matter, that can be used if she starts telling you stories about her labor and delivery that start to upset you, as well.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: buvezdevin on November 20, 2012, 09:05:15 PM
I agree with SamiHani and grandma dishes generally (and as usual) - the one caveat I would add is that OP has posted about a couple she had as housemates who recently found they were expecting. I'm not sure if they are still housemates of OP for reasons unrelated to the pregnancy, but as OP's friends with new baby live nearby, I would not assume they are entirely unaware of OP's housemate's situation.  Whether the nearby new parents are aware or not, I think the better bet is to just gush about new baby and not offer an explanation involving pregnancy phobias which the new parents may see as odd.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Pippen on November 20, 2012, 09:06:15 PM
I agree with Gramma Dishes,  but if pushed for a reason for having avoided her before the birth you wouldn't be out of line to say, perhaps a bit sheepishly, "I'm so sorry friend, but the truth is that I have a phobia regarding pregnancy and childbirth, not just for myself but for other people as well. I know it's sort of odd, but that's the truth of it. I hope you understand. But oh my gosh your baby is just the most beautiful child I've ever seen!"

For that matter, that can be used if she starts telling you stories about her labor and delivery that start to upset you, as well.

Oh she would never push me for a reason, but I feel I need to offer one. I can handle stories after the event, it is just the lead up to it that spins me out. Someone telling me all the details of what it was like is fine because I know it is passed and they are safe, but if they mention things like "Oh my midwife recommended this breathing technique I am going to try it" that sets me off. It's very strange and kind of multi layered.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Raintree on November 20, 2012, 10:34:11 PM
I think I'd offer an excuse and make it known that I'm sorry, I realize it's lame, but.....(insert excuse) and "I've been so remiss, but I'd love to come see the baby."

Thing is, I think most pregnant women would not understand the phobia thing. Myself, I feel a slightly sick feeling when I see a pregnant belly and I don't know why. I know it's natural, I know it's not "sickening" but my reaction is what it is. It's very slight so it does not prevent me from interacting with pregnant women, but when I tried to explain it to a friend (who was not and had never been pregnant) she seemed a little shocked and horrified. She didn't seem to understand that it was just an irrational gut reaction that I knew was irrational. She took it as "I find pregnancy sickening" which I don't really. But the sight of the belly does trigger a reaction, ever so slightly. I don't even really expect other posters here to understand.

Which is why I'd go with the excuse, as your friend may not really like hearing that you have a phobia around pregnant women.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: stargazer on November 21, 2012, 12:46:38 AM
How have you been having a flatmate who is pregnant and you have to see every day and yet couldn't go see your friend while she was pregnant?  I wouldn't use any excuse but just concentrate on the baby now.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: sweetonsno on November 21, 2012, 02:01:02 AM
It's called "tokophobia," apparently. (Interesting!)

I would stick with a sincere apology for being MIA, along with hearty congratulations. I don't think you need to explain why if you don't think she would ask. However, if you really would prefer to give an explanation, I suggest telling a toned-down version of the truth rather than an obvious lie.

Then go with VorFemme's idea and focus on the stuff that happened after baby came home.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Pippen on November 21, 2012, 02:07:21 AM
How have you been having a flatmate who is pregnant and you have to see every day and yet couldn't go see your friend while she was pregnant?  I wouldn't use any excuse but just concentrate on the baby now.

Trust me it freaked me out. As I said, it is irrational. They had to move out as they couldn't afford to stay here. well if they had paid their rent and not spent it on 'stuff' they would have been fine.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: LifeOnPluto on November 21, 2012, 03:10:56 AM
I have also heard of tokaphobia, and suspect it may actually be more common than people think! (As I've heard a few other people online say they've experienced it).

I personally wouldn't offer any excuse, unless she asks you directly "Why haven't you seen me these last 9 months?"

I also think that if she starts with the labour stories and you feel freaked out, it's ok for you to ask her to change the subject.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: peaches on November 21, 2012, 03:17:36 AM
I don't think any explanation is necessary, or would be helpful. Why burden her with your issues?

I would just visit the family and gush over the baby.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: JoieDeVivre on November 21, 2012, 07:07:07 AM
OP, don't beat yourself up over this.

I'm not sure how I would have handled that situation.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: TootsNYC on November 21, 2012, 07:11:19 AM
I'm trying to figure out how you would even begin to tell her the "truth".  Somehow, the explanation "I get so freaked out when anyone I know and care about is going to have a baby because I'm afraid they'll die" just doesn't quite sound like the way to go.

I don't know that you have to say anything.  It's possible that she does remember your previous conversation and understands why you haven't been around.  Or maybe she doesn't.  But I think sometimes it's just best to pick up where you are now and move forward. 

Go visit them and their new little one and maybe take the baby a gift.  Don't make excuses for not having been around.  They aren't necessary.

I agree.

I also think that the best way to make up for "dropping out" is to simply drop back in.
So go, coo over the baby, and then stay in touch. Be one of the friends that doesn't pull away when the actual *baby* comes.

(and in future situations, can you talk w/ your pregnant friends by phone or email? That will keep you from totally dropping out)
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: CatFanatic on November 21, 2012, 08:05:24 AM
Tell the truth. A phobia is a very real condition and doesn't mean you're 'crazy'.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: BeagleMommy on November 21, 2012, 08:47:01 AM
OP, a phobia is not irrational to the person experiencing it.  I know, because I have a morbid fear of getting lost.

Visit your friend and coo over her new bundle.  If you feel you need to offer a reason (not an excuse) for your absence during her pregnancy explain your phobia in short and calm terms and reassure her that it had  nothing to do with her as a person.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Giggity on November 21, 2012, 09:06:06 AM
I haven't seen her for ages because pregnancy scares the living daylights out of me.

She's not pregnant anymore, so there's nothing to be scared of.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Sharnita on November 21, 2012, 09:09:38 AM
I haven't seen her for ages because pregnancy scares the living daylights out of me.

She's not pregnant anymore, so there's nothing to be scared of.

I think OP has indicated that she isn't scared anymore but needs to explain her past absence.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Honeypickle on November 21, 2012, 09:48:17 AM
OP, weren't you the poster who came here looking for suggestions on how to help your newly pregnant housemate and wanted ideas on nice things you could do for her? I understand that they have now moved out but I find it strange that you were trying to be so involved with that pregnant couple and yet are so spooked out by pregnancy itself that you avoid other pregnant friends completely. This doesn't seem consistent to me.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: alis on November 21, 2012, 11:55:41 AM
I'm guessing a new mom will be so over the moon with chatting about her new baby that she might not even ask or care about your previous absence. I just had my 2nd child about 2 weeks ago and it has never crossed my mind to chat to those who weren't present during the pregnancy, that is sort of 'in the past', as a new mother she is likely much more focused on herself and the present. It might not even be an issue to try and explain.

And yes it's tokophobia for fear of birth - I know someone who had an elective C-section after an unplanned pregnancy for this reason, it will cause extreme anxiety/stress in a person.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Pippen on November 21, 2012, 12:42:01 PM
OP, weren't you the poster who came here looking for suggestions on how to help your newly pregnant housemate and wanted ideas on nice things you could do for her? I understand that they have now moved out but I find it strange that you were trying to be so involved with that pregnant couple and yet are so spooked out by pregnancy itself that you avoid other pregnant friends completely. This doesn't seem consistent to me.

Being scared of something doesn't mean you want to hurt it. it's more like a very intense worry which dramatically ramps up the closer it gets to the big event. It's really hard to explain on here as I have said, it is irrational and multi layered. Part of it is also being very conscious of my reactions and not wanting to freak them out. For example another friend I had seen when she was maybe 5 months gone, fine. I saw her at an event just a couple of weeks out from the birth and because she was so obviously preganant it just spun me out. It was all I could do not to burst into tears. I was terrified for her. It's not so bad if they have other kids as I know they have been there and done that and come out the other end fine. First babies really kick me off.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Zilla on November 21, 2012, 02:39:44 PM
OP, weren't you the poster who came here looking for suggestions on how to help your newly pregnant housemate and wanted ideas on nice things you could do for her? I understand that they have now moved out but I find it strange that you were trying to be so involved with that pregnant couple and yet are so spooked out by pregnancy itself that you avoid other pregnant friends completely. This doesn't seem consistent to me.

Being scared of something doesn't mean you want to hurt it. it's more like a very intense worry which dramatically ramps up the closer it gets to the big event. It's really hard to explain on here as I have said, it is irrational and multi layered. Part of it is also being very conscious of my reactions and not wanting to freak them out. For example another friend I had seen when she was maybe 5 months gone, fine. I saw her at an event just a couple of weeks out from the birth and because she was so obviously preganant it just spun me out. It was all I could do not to burst into tears. I was terrified for her. It's not so bad if they have other kids as I know they have been there and done that and come out the other end fine. First babies really kick me off.

So do you or do not live with a pregnant housemate?  I too remember you posting about her.
Oh I see it here, http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=121204.msg2803456#msg2803456 (http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=121204.msg2803456#msg2803456)
 It must be incredibly hard to live with that fear day in and day out.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: hobish on November 21, 2012, 03:55:34 PM

I don't think you are crazy. Then again, i don't have a phobia per se, but i am completely grossed out/freaked out by pregnancy myself. I think if you say it you just say it matter-of-factly.
"I am sorry i have not been around much. I have a pregnancy phobia."
"It's good to see you again; pregnancy freaks me out badly. What a cute baby..."

Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: cass2591 on November 21, 2012, 05:53:53 PM
You know Pippen, I'm kind of curious myself at the discrepancy between your housemate's pregnancy and your reaction to your friend. You also haven't answered the many queries about said discrepancy, and furthermore your thread about the housemate intimated that the parents weren't moving after the baby is born, yet you say in this thread that babies kick you off. Now I'm not sure what that exactly means, but it doesn't sound like you're all that fond of them, so why would you want one living in your house? They can get rather noisy at very inconvenient times, like when you're sleeping.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Pippen on November 21, 2012, 09:20:58 PM
You know Pippen, I'm kind of curious myself at the discrepancy between your housemate's pregnancy and your reaction to your friend. You also haven't answered the many queries about said discrepancy, and furthermore your thread about the housemate intimated that the parents weren't moving after the baby is born, yet you say in this thread that babies kick you off. Now I'm not sure what that exactly means, but it doesn't sound like you're all that fond of them, so why would you want one living in your house? They can get rather noisy at very inconvenient times, like when you're sleeping.

First babies. The first one always makes me very scared as it is so much riskier. By the third one I begin to relax and think "OK. They have done this before and been fine and this one will be much easier". The housemate was only just pregnant. Only 6 weeks when they told us, so it was like 'wow that is a bit of a surprise.' Well it sure was for them as well. Even at that early stage they were planning on moving back to her parents region well before the baby was born. I can handle babies no problems, it is the late stages of pregnancy and the knowledge of what is involved in the birth scares me silly. Despite what it sounds like I am great with kids. I had my first job at 14 as a live in nanny for 3 month old twins and a 2 year old in the school holidays and I did that for 4 years. I love kids but really, really couldn't even think of having them myself.

I mentioned my brother earlier and when my SIL told me she was expecting I was happy for her because she was happy but just knew my brother would be a wreck through the whole thing. The first thing when my nephew was born was "You didn't die!" She told me this a few years later as a kind of passing comment mentioned she and thought it was odd but when I explained the place it had come from she was quite shocked.

People may think it is silly, but for me it is very real. Thankfully I don't have too many triggers for it as most of my friends have had their families already or had them while I was overseas so I get to see the happy end result not the lead up to it.

Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Drawberry on November 21, 2012, 10:48:45 PM
I think people need to understand that a trigger and a phobia is not something easily explained. For the people who suffer from particularly intense phobias and triggers it can be completely debilitating to be in that situation. You cannot explain it away, reason with it, or simply 'suck it up'. It's not at all like that, it's not a pick-and-choose situation and it's a very real fear individuals feel when placed in the particular situation that triggers them.

If your friend does not ask for an explanation, do not give one. Make up your lost time by coming back around as if you where never gone. If she does ask there is no reason to lie. Explain honestly your triggers and phobias and why (to the best of your knowledge) that you have this phobia. You are not required to give an explanation about anything in your life and doing so for someone a courtesy.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Mr Wigglybones on November 22, 2012, 01:11:29 AM

First babies. The first one always makes me very scared as it is so much riskier. By the third one I begin to relax and think..

I'm confused; you have never mentioned their other kids before, and this makes it sound like they already have two. Where have they been? How come they don't live with their parents?
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Giggity on November 22, 2012, 06:44:14 AM
You know Pippen, I'm kind of curious myself at the discrepancy between your housemate's pregnancy and your reaction to your friend. You also haven't answered the many queries about said discrepancy, and furthermore your thread about the housemate intimated that the parents weren't moving after the baby is born, yet you say in this thread that babies kick you off. Now I'm not sure what that exactly means, but it doesn't sound like you're all that fond of them, so why would you want one living in your house? They can get rather noisy at very inconvenient times, like when you're sleeping.

First babies. The first one always makes me very scared as it is so much riskier.

But that's just not true. The act of birthing a first baby, in and of itself, carries no more "danger" or "risk" than subsequent births.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Sharnita on November 22, 2012, 07:14:12 AM
A phobia is not reality based.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Kaypeep on November 22, 2012, 08:32:58 AM

First babies. The first one always makes me very scared as it is so much riskier. By the third one I begin to relax and think..

I'm confused; you have never mentioned their other kids before, and this makes it sound like they already have two. Where have they been? How come they don't live with their parents?

I believe the OP is speaking in the general sense, not about anyone in particular, and not about her roommates.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Honeypickle on November 22, 2012, 10:12:00 AM
Pippen, you were hired at aged FOURTEEN to be a live in nanny for 3 month old twins??!!!! I find that astonishing. And frankly quite hard to believe. If you are genuine, then I pre-emptively apologise, but people are spending time in trying to help you in this thread, and I hope you are not wasting their time.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Mr Wigglybones on November 22, 2012, 06:37:55 PM

First babies. The first one always makes me very scared as it is so much riskier. By the third one I begin to relax and think..

I'm confused; you have never mentioned their other kids before, and this makes it sound like they already have two. Where have they been? How come they don't live with their parents?

I believe the OP is speaking in the general sense, not about anyone in particular, and not about her roommates.


Cass asked specifically about Pippen's housemates and that is the response Pippen gave, which is what lead me to believe she was talking about the housemate.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: wendelenn on November 22, 2012, 06:58:13 PM
Pippen, you were hired at aged FOURTEEN to be a live in nanny for 3 month old twins??!!!! I find that astonishing. And frankly quite hard to believe. If you are genuine, then I pre-emptively apologise, but people are spending time in trying to help you in this thread, and I hope you are not wasting their time.

Yeah, this thread is getting simply ridiculously confusing.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Sharnita on November 22, 2012, 07:04:51 PM
I don't really find it confusing. I can't see any reason for OP to fabricate any of this so I think some confusion might be coming from people reading into details what isn't there.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: kareng57 on November 22, 2012, 07:07:58 PM
I don't really find it confusing. I can't see any reason for OP to fabricate any of this so I think some confusion might be coming from people reading into details what isn't there.


Well, I too agree that a 14-year-old as a live-in nanny for 3-month-old twins is definitely a "raised eyebrow" issue.  Perhaps it was a situation where she was going to school during the day, but boarding with the family and helping out with the babies in the afternoon-evening? - I don't think it's wrong for people here to ask for clarification.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Sharnita on November 22, 2012, 09:27:32 PM
I'm thinking summer vacation.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Bijou on November 25, 2012, 11:32:59 AM
So a friend of mine who I absolutely adore lives just down the road has just had her baby. I have not seen her in ages. I just saw her and her husband pushing bubs down the street in a pram. Lots of waves and smiles and I told her I would come and see her ASAP, as in today.

I haven't seen her for ages because pregnancy scares the living daylights out of me. I know it is the most natural thing in the world and I was delighted for her when she told me as I know how much her and her husband wanted a baby. The thought of of it just fills me with dread and giving birth would be about the scariest thing ever conceived (sorry about the pun). The thought of people I care about having to go through it, basically I just can't cope with. I think I have a handle on why this is as my brother has a similar response. I know it is irrational but I always think they are going to die giving birth.

So when I do see her do I offer my apologies and tell her I am useless and need to be soundly beaten for being a slack friend, or do I tell her the truth which just sounds totally crazy? I have mentioned this in passing to her many years ago but she may have forgotten or not be aware of the extent of it. Any the moment I am erring towards of saying anything as I may very well burst into tears at the thought of it and then she really will think I am nuts.
Friendship is a two way street.  Did she try to see you but you avoided her and made excuses to keep your distance?  If not, you have no worries, as she could have tried to visit with you, as well.  It doesn't sound like she tried to visit with you and you kept finding excuses to not get together. I'm not faulting her if she didn't try to get together at all, pregnancy, like other life events, can change your schedule (been there, done that times 6  ;) ), depending on how you feel.  I'm just pointing out that peoples lives go various ways for various reasons and then maybe come back together.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: scansons on November 25, 2012, 12:03:41 PM
OP, I don't think it's that big a deal that you didn't see her during the pregnancy, and I doubt she'll ask about it.  I found with mine that during the late stages of pregnancy I didn't want to see most people.  I wouldn't have had the energy at all, even if they had come to visit, and I certainly was in no mood to go hang out. 

In fact you may be the best kind of friend a pregnant woman could have.  You're happy when she tells you, and then by the time she's really uncomfortable with even going out in public because how she looks, and how much work it is, and she just really wants to be left alone instead of questioned daily about her blood pressure, and when the due date is, and asked to describe the nursery for the 10,000 time, you are willing to leave her alone.  Which was all I really wanted by about six months in.  Just to be left alone by the crazy people.  Then you show up again when the baby is born, and you're happy that everything went well.  I don't think you need to feel any guilt about this at all.  I think most pregnant women understand that lots of people are sensitive about pregnancy/young children for one reason or another.  It's not you failing as her friend, it just is what it is.  And you dealt with it, and didn't take it out on her.  Your fine in my book.   

Also, totally can see this phobia.  "What to Expect, when You're Expecting" = #5 on my Top Scariest books of all time.  I'm shocked it's not the centerpiece of a scared straight program for scrabble playing teens somewhere. 
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Jones on November 25, 2012, 12:06:52 PM
When I was 14-15, I spent my summers in the two houses next door watching children, ages 9 and under. I came home to sleep, and sometimes not much of that. So I don't find the live-in-nanny thing to be a raised eyebrow at all.

Also, phobias are NOT reality based. I have a phobia of being in a plane crash. This resulted in a panic attack at a local theater a few months ago. I knew the movie was fake, I knew I wasn't on a plane, but I still hyperventalated, grabbed at DH and blacked out briefly. I can certainly see how a pregnancy phobia would be more acute if a friend hasn't yet "proven" she'll live through it, and be ignorable if she isn't yet showing the pregnancy.

Pippen, I wouldn't bother explaining to Friend, especially if she's already heard of your fear, unless she asks directly.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Sharnita on November 25, 2012, 12:49:12 PM
Yeah, people with no allergies can have terrible phobias of teeny spiders that actually destroy harmful insects.  The phobia does not reflect the reality of the situation.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Bijou on November 25, 2012, 12:53:21 PM
Tell the truth. A phobia is a very real condition and doesn't mean you're 'crazy'.
If one has a phobia, they need not share that information with anyone.  It's no one else's business.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Surianne on November 25, 2012, 12:56:32 PM
Yep, phobias aren't rational at all -- that's what makes them phobias.  I'd like to say just be honest with her, but unfortunately I've found that isn't always helpful.  I'm very claustrophobic, and I've dealt with people who believe I'm lying (as you're encountering in this thread), faking it for attention, overstating my fear to get an aisle seat on a bus, etc.  And that's with a phobia that most people have heard of.  Yours must be even harder.

So I'd go with being a part of her life now that you can.  If she asks about your absence, you can try to explain, but otherwise I wouldn't worry about it.  I think Bijou and Scansons have very good points: if she wasn't trying to make plans with you, she likely didn't even notice or mind your absence during the pregnancy.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Sharnita on November 25, 2012, 12:57:26 PM
It can become somebody's business is/when it impacts their life or relationships. OP feels some concern that her relationship has impacted her friendship and her absence has unintentionally hurt her friend's feeings.
Title: Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
Post by: Bijou on November 25, 2012, 02:39:43 PM
It can become somebody's business is/when it impacts their life or relationships. OP feels some concern that her relationship has impacted her friendship and her absence has unintentionally hurt her friend's feeings.
I would agree if the person in question were a close relative (spouse, parent, child, sibling) of the OP, and it really did impact them on some personal level.  Otherwise, no.  I just don't think that you have to bare your soul to friends and acquaintances.