Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Topic started by: POF on November 27, 2012, 09:46:51 PM

Title: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned # 45 update #61 and #121
Post by: POF on November 27, 2012, 09:46:51 PM
In our volunteer group, there is a woman ( Dee )  who likes to 'direct" everyone. She is a board member, but that does not necessarily confer special privileges.  She likes to come up to me and start telling me how I could handle the databases better. Now, I've invested a significant amount of time and talent ( especially if you factor in my billing rate ) in creating and maintaining a set of databases that we use for various vital purposes.  However, I only have limited time to devote to this VOLUNTEER work.

Dee likes to tell me what I should be doing differently, better or what would be a great idea.  I typically try to ignore her, but she has been particulary at me lately.  She's been critical of the work I do with others ( I am FOLLOWING the guidelines for reporting that are laid out by the board - but she wants it done differently. )

I walked in our work room tonight and she was going on and on about if we added this data and if we captured that data it would be soo ooo oooo much better. No - it would not actually and it would be a ton of unnecessary work - and it isn't even her area).  I snapped back - and I said - if you think this is a better way to do it - how about you just do it yourself.  She then went to the President and said I was very condescending to her.  The president came to me and I said ... look .... she is constantly bothering me about how I do things, I am a volunteer - this is the best I can do and the amount of time that I am willing to invest. Should you look for someone else to take this on ?

I was rude, I was provoked, but I did answer her in a less than polite way ( I did not raise my voice, I did not use bad words, I did not call her names ) - my tone was sharp and I was clearly exasperated.  Her comments usually just roll off my back, but I got caught in a moment of weakness. 

I have no excuses, I was wrong. I am going to meet with her and the president tomorrow.  I am going to ask that suggestions to the data process be held until lafter we finish our XMAS project.  We can then all review the suggestions and I can make some recommendations on what is doable or not. 

I just wanted to confess, next time I will try for the bean dip instead,

Any other suggestions on how to hadle this better ?

Thanks
Karen



 
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: DottyG on November 27, 2012, 09:51:00 PM
Just apologize to her and go forward. There isn't much you can do but accept that you were rude and go on from there.

Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: gramma dishes on November 27, 2012, 09:53:52 PM
Ya' know ...   :-\

I don't think being just a wee bit sharp with someone is actually always a breech of etiquette.  As you said yourself, you weren't hostile or rude, your language was clean and you didn't imply that she was any number of ugly things a less polite person might have called her.

You simply let her (and subsequently the President) know that you had had enough.  You quietly put down your line in the sand. I don't think you have said or done anything to feel bad/guilty about.   
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: Raintree on November 27, 2012, 10:10:48 PM
Yeah, I don't think it sounds that bad. In fact, when the President approached you, it sounds like you handled it perfectly. I bet you are not the only one who has been annoyed by her.

I think the most you should do or say is, "I am sorry if my tone was a little hostile the other day. I'm afraid I was feeling rather badgered. If you have any concerns with the way I do this, I'd really prefer that you bring it up with the president, and I'd be happy to discuss with him/her my reasons for doing things on the limited time that I am able to volunteer. "
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: DottyG on November 27, 2012, 10:12:50 PM
Raintree's wording is good.

Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: doodlemor on November 27, 2012, 10:34:10 PM
Ya' know ...   :-\

I don't think being just a wee bit sharp with someone is actually always a breech of etiquette.  As you said yourself, you weren't hostile or rude, your language was clean and you didn't imply that she was any number of ugly things a less polite person might have called her.

You simply let her (and subsequently the President) know that you had had enough.  You quietly put down your line in the sand. I don't think you have said or done anything to feel bad/guilty about.

I agree with gramma dishes.  It is OK to draw your boundaries.  It sounds like this person has been making your volunteer work harder and more stressful. 

If you are again talking about the person from this thread.....

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=122546.msg2830032#msg2830032

......then I think you are a saint to be able to control yourself at all.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: lollylegs on November 28, 2012, 03:05:21 AM
I'm not sure what you've been saying to her before this (you mentioned that you've been basically ignoring her, but does that mean pretending like she doesn't exist? Bean dipping?  Walking away?) but I wonder if the problem is that you didn't say something sooner and let it build up until it exploded.  Short term, grit your teeth and apologise next time you see her.  Long term, maybe look at ways of dealing with it as it pops up.  I like the the rinse and repeat method - come up with a phrase and repeat it each time Dee makes one of her comments.

Her: "You should do it this way..."

You: "Thanks, but I've come up with a way that works best for me."

Her: "But my way is so much easier."

You" "Thanks, but I've come up with a way that works best for me."

Her:"But your way is stupid!"

You: "Thanks, but I've come up with a way that works best for me."

Rinse and repeat.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: weeblewobble on November 28, 2012, 06:19:47 AM
Ya' know ...   :-\

I don't think being just a wee bit sharp with someone is actually always a breech of etiquette.  As you said yourself, you weren't hostile or rude, your language was clean and you didn't imply that she was any number of ugly things a less polite person might have called her.

You simply let her (and subsequently the President) know that you had had enough.  You quietly put down your line in the sand. I don't think you have said or done anything to feel bad/guilty about.

I tend to side with gramma dishes on this one.  ETA: I read the link doodlemor provided.  If it is the same person, I think you deserve a medal for not responding with violence or a cat-correction spray bottle.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: POF on November 28, 2012, 06:23:09 AM
Great advice - thanks,

She's actually not the woman in the other thread - but annoying person #2 in the organization :0.   You are right - I have let it build up.  I'll try to deflect better based on the advice given  here.  I also decided that I am not bringing it up to her and apologize.  I may have been short, but when i reflect on my choice of words and tone - I was not rude. Exasperated maybe. but I will take proactive steps so that I do not get frustrated. Thanks

Thanks

Karen
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: BarensMom on November 28, 2012, 07:16:29 AM
I would find some way of pointing out that you are a volunteer, not a paid employee, and, if this woman continues to pester you, have the option of taking your skills and time elsewhere.  You have been bullied and badgered, and it's no wonder that you finally called her on it.  I wouldn't apologize - in fact, I would demand an apology from the woman for harassing you.

Let me recap:  This woman has bullied, badgered and harassed you.  She is not the victim, you are.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: camlan on November 28, 2012, 07:45:58 AM
Well, I'm going to dogpile on and agree that you were not rude.

Some people pick up on verbal cues--you've been deflecting her verbally and it hasn't worked. Some people pick up on your avoidance of a topic--she hasn't been picking up on that, either.

So sometimes what you have to do is show that you are exasperated. And you did just that. You didn't yell, you didn't  use bad words, you didn't call her names. But you did show her, by your word choice and tone of voice that you had had it with her constant complaining.

It isn't rude to let someone know that you are upset by their behavior.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: Oh Joy on November 28, 2012, 08:08:32 AM
Instead of her pestering you with her great ideas whenever she feels like talking about them, can you suggest an alternate way for 'anyone' to suggest changes to the database?  Kind of like when a meeting facilitator effectively puts a distracting idea into a parking lot.  Database change suggestions are discussed at the quarterly meeting, or e-mailed to you to review monthly, or sent to the principal for the board to discuss, or something else that makes sense for your organization.

That way, you don't have to choose between validating and ignoring her, you have a broken-record answer, and if someone does come up with a good idea it can be considered.

Best wishes.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: Shoo on November 28, 2012, 09:06:25 AM
Great advice - thanks,

She's actually not the woman in the other thread - but annoying person #2 in the organization :0.   You are right - I have let it build up.  I'll try to deflect better based on the advice given  here.  I also decided that I am not bringing it up to her and apologize.  I may have been short, but when i reflect on my choice of words and tone - I was not rude. Exasperated maybe. but I will take proactive steps so that I do not get frustrated. Thanks

Thanks

Karen

I'm glad you're not going to apologize to her.  IMO, you did nothing to apologize for.  You put up with a lot from her for a long time, and she finally pushed you too far.  I think you were quite restrained in your words with her.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: Eden on November 28, 2012, 09:33:44 AM
OP, the only thing I would suggest in any conversations you have about this is that you tread lightly when pointing out that you're a volunteer. Organizations can and should still request and require improvements and standards in work even if the people doing the work are doing so for free. If you feel the requirements are excessive or the people enforcing them are unreasonable, you may express it or you may quit, but whether or not you're doing the work as a volunteer or a paid employee is irrelevant.

I do think your idea of asking for an improvement meeting for after the holidays is a great solution.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: rashea on November 28, 2012, 10:06:30 AM
I might also see if you can put in an official "change" process for any suggestions. We did this when managing a volunteer organization's database, because it kept too many changes from happening at once and screwing things up. Have 2 or more people who have to approve structural changes. Have these be paid employees. Then the volunteer doesn't have to vet the changes.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: BarensMom on November 28, 2012, 10:20:14 AM
OP, the only thing I would suggest in any conversations you have about this is that you tread lightly when pointing out that you're a volunteer. Organizations can and should still request and require improvements and standards in work even if the people doing the work are doing so for free. If you feel the requirements are excessive or the people enforcing them are unreasonable, you may express it or you may quit, but whether or not you're doing the work as a volunteer or a paid employee is irrelevant.

I do think your idea of asking for an improvement meeting for after the holidays is a great solution.

As a volunteer, OP may be providing services that organization may otherwise have to pay for.  For example, OP may have extensive experience in that particular database program.  Would TPTB of an organization want to lose an experienced volunteer because she was being harassed and bullied?  Would they want that to become public knowledge?
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: Eden on November 28, 2012, 11:29:46 AM
OP, the only thing I would suggest in any conversations you have about this is that you tread lightly when pointing out that you're a volunteer. Organizations can and should still request and require improvements and standards in work even if the people doing the work are doing so for free. If you feel the requirements are excessive or the people enforcing them are unreasonable, you may express it or you may quit, but whether or not you're doing the work as a volunteer or a paid employee is irrelevant.

I do think your idea of asking for an improvement meeting for after the holidays is a great solution.

As a volunteer, OP may be providing services that organization may otherwise have to pay for.  For example, OP may have extensive experience in that particular database program.  Would TPTB of an organization want to lose an experienced volunteer because she was being harassed and bullied?  Would they want that to become public knowledge?

I must confess I don't know the acronym TPTB  :-[

I haven't seen any evidence of harassment or bullying. Annoying pestering? Yes.

Again I do think it's reasonable and appropriate for the OP to request a formal process or scheduled review rather than having to field the board member's "ad hoc" and potentially ineffective suggestions as they come. I just think the fact that the OP is a volunteer has nothing to do with the situation. Yes it's a kindness to the organization but it's still appropriate for the organization to have a say in how it is done. Whether or not the OP is paid for it is moot.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: rashea on November 28, 2012, 11:32:53 AM
I must confess I don't know the acronym TPTB  :-[

TPTB = The Powers That Be
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: Eden on November 28, 2012, 01:26:21 PM
Thank you, Rashea!
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: O'Dell on November 28, 2012, 01:57:16 PM
OP, the only thing I would suggest in any conversations you have about this is that you tread lightly when pointing out that you're a volunteer. Organizations can and should still request and require improvements and standards in work even if the people doing the work are doing so for free. If you feel the requirements are excessive or the people enforcing them are unreasonable, you may express it or you may quit, but whether or not you're doing the work as a volunteer or a paid employee is irrelevant.

I do think your idea of asking for an improvement meeting for after the holidays is a great solution.

As a volunteer, OP may be providing services that organization may otherwise have to pay for.  For example, OP may have extensive experience in that particular database program.  Would TPTB of an organization want to lose an experienced volunteer because she was being harassed and bullied?  Would they want that to become public knowledge?

I must confess I don't know the acronym TPTB  :-[

I haven't seen any evidence of harassment or bullying. Annoying pestering? Yes.

Again I do think it's reasonable and appropriate for the OP to request a formal process or scheduled review rather than having to field the board member's "ad hoc" and potentially ineffective suggestions as they come. I just think the fact that the OP is a volunteer has nothing to do with the situation. Yes it's a kindness to the organization but it's still appropriate for the organization to have a say in how it is done. Whether or not the OP is paid for it is moot.

I think it is relevant. There is a different dynamic between a volunteer and employee vs. a member of the board. The woman can natter at POF all she wants while POF is on the clock as an employee. She's wasting a volunteers *personal* time when she pesters POF.

I too am glad you aren't apologizing.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: pierrotlunaire0 on November 28, 2012, 02:48:13 PM
I think it matters very much if you are paid or a volunteer.  If you are providing a service that is valuable to the organization, and if you are compliant to the guidelines, then it sounds like this woman is creating chaos by interfering with you completing the work.  And if you are a volunteer, then what is to stop you from walking out and never coming back?
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: Julian on November 28, 2012, 03:08:44 PM
OP, I'm another POD to 'don't think you were rude'.

Dee reminds me of a lot of people I meet through work.  These days I'm a data analyst.  Some folk, when they find out what you can get from data, have some sort of Eureka moment and all of a sudden have a blinding need to over-analyse everything.  Things that really are irrelevant, and take a lot of time and effort.  And a lot of things that are downright impossible.  And yeah, they will keep badgering and harassing, often rephrasing the same request in different terms. 

I also suspect there is a lack of knowledge in how data happens - collecting, entering data is time consuming.  Particularly if there is need for modification of the database to enter particular fields.  Analysis can take longer again.

Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: bah12 on November 28, 2012, 03:20:24 PM
OP, the only thing I would suggest in any conversations you have about this is that you tread lightly when pointing out that you're a volunteer. Organizations can and should still request and require improvements and standards in work even if the people doing the work are doing so for free. If you feel the requirements are excessive or the people enforcing them are unreasonable, you may express it or you may quit, but whether or not you're doing the work as a volunteer or a paid employee is irrelevant.

I do think your idea of asking for an improvement meeting for after the holidays is a great solution.

As a volunteer, OP may be providing services that organization may otherwise have to pay for.  For example, OP may have extensive experience in that particular database program.  Would TPTB of an organization want to lose an experienced volunteer because she was being harassed and bullied?  Would they want that to become public knowledge?

I must confess I don't know the acronym TPTB  :-[

I haven't seen any evidence of harassment or bullying. Annoying pestering? Yes.

Again I do think it's reasonable and appropriate for the OP to request a formal process or scheduled review rather than having to field the board member's "ad hoc" and potentially ineffective suggestions as they come. I just think the fact that the OP is a volunteer has nothing to do with the situation. Yes it's a kindness to the organization but it's still appropriate for the organization to have a say in how it is done. Whether or not the OP is paid for it is moot.

I think it is relevant. There is a different dynamic between a volunteer and employee vs. a member of the board. The woman can natter at POF all she wants while POF is on the clock as an employee. She's wasting a volunteers *personal* time when she pesters POF.

I too am glad you aren't apologizing.

I agree with Eden in this.  There is a difference between "making suggestions" and "bullying" and I don't think it's necessarily out of line for someone to make suggestions on work that is done by a volunteer.  Where it does make a difference is in the expectations for a volunteer to follow through.  And TPTB may choose that it's more important to have the work done for free than it is to require that certain changes, that may be good but too time consuming for a volunteer to do, be made.

I don't blame the OP for feeling harrassed and overwhelmed by all these suggestions.  But it's all in the delivery...on both ends.  For example:

Suggestor:  I have a suggestion for the database.  Why don't you do X
OP: Thank you for the suggestion but I have experience doing that and it actually doesn't work that well.

or

OP: Thank you for the suggestion and while it's a good one, I don't have the time or the resources to implement that.  I am a volunteer and cannot dedicate any more time than I already do.

But if the Suggestor is being a bully and harrassing the OP, then that is the conversation she needs to have with the President.   The problem wouldn't necessarily be that someone is making suggestions, but the manner in how they are doing it.  And if the problem is the frequency of the suggestions, then the answer may be some sort of policy on how and when suggestions are offered.

I work with both volunteers and paid employees and I don't differentiate between the two when I make suggestions on improment for work that they do.  And I treat each with the same respect.  The only difference is that I can require a paid employee to do what I suggest, regardless of their opinion, that I can't do with a volunteer.  But I don't temper suggestions for improvement based on hiring status.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: O'Dell on November 28, 2012, 03:48:29 PM
OP, the only thing I would suggest in any conversations you have about this is that you tread lightly when pointing out that you're a volunteer. Organizations can and should still request and require improvements and standards in work even if the people doing the work are doing so for free. If you feel the requirements are excessive or the people enforcing them are unreasonable, you may express it or you may quit, but whether or not you're doing the work as a volunteer or a paid employee is irrelevant.

I do think your idea of asking for an improvement meeting for after the holidays is a great solution.

As a volunteer, OP may be providing services that organization may otherwise have to pay for.  For example, OP may have extensive experience in that particular database program.  Would TPTB of an organization want to lose an experienced volunteer because she was being harassed and bullied?  Would they want that to become public knowledge?

I must confess I don't know the acronym TPTB  :-[

I haven't seen any evidence of harassment or bullying. Annoying pestering? Yes.

Again I do think it's reasonable and appropriate for the OP to request a formal process or scheduled review rather than having to field the board member's "ad hoc" and potentially ineffective suggestions as they come. I just think the fact that the OP is a volunteer has nothing to do with the situation. Yes it's a kindness to the organization but it's still appropriate for the organization to have a say in how it is done. Whether or not the OP is paid for it is moot.

I think it is relevant. There is a different dynamic between a volunteer and employee vs. a member of the board. The woman can natter at POF all she wants while POF is on the clock as an employee. She's wasting a volunteers *personal* time when she pesters POF.

I too am glad you aren't apologizing.

I agree with Eden in this.  There is a difference between "making suggestions" and "bullying" and I don't think it's necessarily out of line for someone to make suggestions on work that is done by a volunteer.  Where it does make a difference is in the expectations for a volunteer to follow through.  And TPTB may choose that it's more important to have the work done for free than it is to require that certain changes, that may be good but too time consuming for a volunteer to do, be made.

I don't blame the OP for feeling harrassed and overwhelmed by all these suggestions.  But it's all in the delivery...on both ends.  For example:

Suggestor:  I have a suggestion for the database.  Why don't you do X
OP: Thank you for the suggestion but I have experience doing that and it actually doesn't work that well.

or

OP: Thank you for the suggestion and while it's a good one, I don't have the time or the resources to implement that.  I am a volunteer and cannot dedicate any more time than I already do.

But if the Suggestor is being a bully and harrassing the OP, then that is the conversation she needs to have with the President.   The problem wouldn't necessarily be that someone is making suggestions, but the manner in how they are doing it.  And if the problem is the frequency of the suggestions, then the answer may be some sort of policy on how and when suggestions are offered.

I work with both volunteers and paid employees and I don't differentiate between the two when I make suggestions on improment for work that they do.  And I treat each with the same respect.  The only difference is that I can require a paid employee to do what I suggest, regardless of their opinion, that I can't do with a volunteer.  But I don't temper suggestions for improvement based on hiring status.

Sure you can make suggestions to volunteers and employees alike. But that is not what we are talking about here. POF was clear in her OP that this woman tries to tell her what to do and pesters her and takes up the time she devotes to the organization. That time the woman pesters her is volunteered. In this case it matters very much that POF is a volunteer for all the reasons given.

I can tell you that suggestions/demands/pestering are perceived differently depending on whether I'm a volunteer or employee. Heck, if reasonable suggestions are made until the point where the job I've volunteered for becomes a burden, I might quit where for an income I have greater motivation for making it work.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: BarensMom on November 28, 2012, 04:02:02 PM
I went and looked up the word "harass" in the dictionary.  The definition includes "(1) to trouble, worry, or torment, as with cares, debts, repeated questions, etc.  (2) to trouble by repeated raids or attacks."

Going by what was described in the original post, the OP is being harassed by this woman.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: bah12 on November 28, 2012, 04:13:01 PM
Sure you can make suggestions to volunteers and employees alike. But that is not what we are talking about here. POF was clear in her OP that this woman tries to tell her what to do and pesters her and takes up the time she devotes to the organization. That time the woman pesters her is volunteered. In this case it matters very much that POF is a volunteer for all the reasons given.

I can tell you that suggestions/demands/pestering are perceived differently depending on whether I'm a volunteer or employee. Heck, if reasonable suggestions are made until the point where the job I've volunteered for becomes a burden, I might quit where for an income I have greater motivation for making it work.

Then the problem is the pestering.  Volunteering or not, pestering and taking up valuable work time is an issue.  If a paid employee complained that someone was taking too much time pestering them about the work that they do and in interferes with the time that they could be doing the work, that would be a problem.  Which is why I ( and Eden) suggested that a policy for how and when suggestions are made are a good suggstion.

And yes, there is a difference in how a volunteer may react vs a paid employee.  But even as a volunteer, I wouldn't presume that no one can tell me what to do or make suggestions for improvements on my work ever. I may have more power in that I can leave if I don't like the suggestions, but it's not wrong to make the suggestions so long as they are done in a respectful manner.  The respect part seems to be issue the here (and the frequency), but again, a volunteer shouldn't expect that no one will ever ask/tell them to do something differently.  It's unrealistic.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: O'Dell on November 28, 2012, 04:22:35 PM
Maybe I'm reading you all wrong then. If you are saying that harassment is harassment and doesn't matter if the person is a volunteer or employee, then I agree with that. But when the volunteer decides what to do about it, it matters very much that they are a volunteer with limited time and patience to devote to sorting it all out.

And the dynamics all along are very different, in my experience.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: Eden on November 28, 2012, 04:33:30 PM
Sure you can make suggestions to volunteers and employees alike. But that is not what we are talking about here. POF was clear in her OP that this woman tries to tell her what to do and pesters her and takes up the time she devotes to the organization. That time the woman pesters her is volunteered. In this case it matters very much that POF is a volunteer for all the reasons given.

I'm not saying it's okay for the woman to pester her. Please see from my previous posts that I support addressing this. This is an approach and efficiency issue that I would support addressing whether or not the OP was paid.

I can tell you that suggestions/demands/pestering are perceived differently depending on whether I'm a volunteer or employee. Heck, if reasonable suggestions are made until the point where the job I've volunteered for becomes a burden, I might quit where for an income I have greater motivation for making it work.

Absolutely. But that's about the OP not the organization. It's relevant only to the OP.

The reason I suggested treading lightly is that I've seen people walk a fine line between "I'm afraid I can't commit to that" and "You should be happy with what you get, because it's free after all." I just think it's the most effective and appropriate to leave the fact that you're a volunteer out of any discussions. The most I could see it being appropriate is in letting the organization know that you can't commit any more personal time than you have and if they need more they will need to get additional volunteers or find someone else. Beyond that I'm afraid I do think it's irrelevant.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: O'Dell on November 28, 2012, 04:37:09 PM
Well we agree then. It's just that I call it relevant because of the things you posted. I'm not sure why you say all those things make it relevant and yet say it's irrelevant.  ???

ETA: Do you mean the volunteer aspect is better left unspoken rather than it's irrelevant? Because that's what I'm getting from your wording and I agree that is a better way to approach it. That however doesn't change the dynamics that being a volunteer brings into the situation.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: Eden on November 28, 2012, 04:40:18 PM
Maybe I'm reading you all wrong then. If you are saying that harassment is harassment and doesn't matter if the person is a volunteer or employee, then I agree with that. But when the volunteer decides what to do about it, it matters very much that they are a volunteer with limited time and patience to devote to sorting it all out.

And the dynamics all along are very different, in my experience.

Yes. That's essentially what I'm saying. I don't think whether or not the OP is a volunteer is relevant to include in addressing this issue. I do think on a personal level it's relevant to the OP and would be to me as well.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: POF on November 28, 2012, 08:17:12 PM
OP here ....  Iwas out volunteering while this interesting discussion went on.

Dee is not making suggestions ... she is telling me / directing that what i should be doing is X,Y,Z.  Dee does NOT have the authority to make changes, even if I thought her change was the bestest ever, it needs to go through a process with the planning committee.

I am very open to suggestions and opinions, for example Dee and some folks were working with a list that wasn't quite sorted out the way the wanted ( someone else ran the report ) - I asked of they wanted ti to sort by age and  Idid it for them.

Frankly, I would not talk to an employee the way she talks to me.

I actually think it does matter that I am a volunteer.  I am doing my job as directed by people who are my bosses. Dee - while a board member is NOT my superior on this project. She just likes to direct and put her 2 cents in.

I think there is absolutely a big difference between managing employees and managing volunteers.

Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: LeveeWoman on November 28, 2012, 09:19:57 PM
OP here ....  Iwas out volunteering while this interesting discussion went on.

Dee is not making suggestions ... she is telling me / directing that what i should be doing is X,Y,Z.  Dee does NOT have the authority to make changes, even if I thought her change was the bestest ever, it needs to go through a process with the planning committee.

I am very open to suggestions and opinions, for example Dee and some folks were working with a list that wasn't quite sorted out the way the wanted ( someone else ran the report ) - I asked of they wanted ti to sort by age and  Idid it for them.

Frankly, I would not talk to an employee the way she talks to me.

I actually think it does matter that I am a volunteer.  I am doing my job as directed by people who are my bosses. Dee - while a board member is NOT my superior on this project. She just likes to direct and put her 2 cents in.

I think there is absolutely a big difference between managing employees and managing volunteers.

Are you the only one she bullies?
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: Miss Unleaded on November 29, 2012, 03:44:20 AM
Instead of her pestering you with her great ideas whenever she feels like talking about them, can you suggest an alternate way for 'anyone' to suggest changes to the database?  Kind of like when a meeting facilitator effectively puts a distracting idea into a parking lot.  Database change suggestions are discussed at the quarterly meeting, or e-mailed to you to review monthly, or sent to the principal for the board to discuss, or something else that makes sense for your organization.

That way, you don't have to choose between validating and ignoring her, you have a broken-record answer, and if someone does come up with a good idea it can be considered.

Best wishes.

This would be how I would approach it.  I would get her to record her suggestions in written form (email, bugtracking software, whatever works).  Then once a month or however often is appropriate, get the people involved in decision making to review all suggestions, decide which ones are practical and useful to implement, make a time estimate for each change request and prioritise them accordingly.  You must obviously be involved in this process.  This way you can keep firm control over how much time you dedicate to her ideas and if she complains you can point to your records and say 'Well the database committee discussed your idea on the February 30th and decided that while it was an interesting suggestion, it would take over 9000 hours to implement and the benefit was too slight to make it a worthwhile addition.'  Then rinse and repeat. Or if it's a new idea, you can say 'You know, annoying lady, that the formal change request process is to log your suggestion in Bugtracker and it will get reviewed at the next meeting.  I can't do anything about it if you tell me in person.'

Good luck.   :)
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: POF on November 29, 2012, 05:55:27 AM
OP here ....  Iwas out volunteering while this interesting discussion went on.

Dee is not making suggestions ... she is telling me / directing that what i should be doing is X,Y,Z.  Dee does NOT have the authority to make changes, even if I thought her change was the bestest ever, it needs to go through a process with the planning committee.

I am very open to suggestions and opinions, for example Dee and some folks were working with a list that wasn't quite sorted out the way the wanted ( someone else ran the report ) - I asked of they wanted ti to sort by age and  Idid it for them.

Frankly, I would not talk to an employee the way she talks to me.

I actually think it does matter that I am a volunteer.  I am doing my job as directed by people who are my bosses. Dee - while a board member is NOT my superior on this project. She just likes to direct and put her 2 cents in.

I think there is absolutely a big difference between managing employees and managing volunteers.

Are you the only one she bullies?

No she is equally annoying to a LOT of folks.  There have been steps to change her role - and interestingly enough she's improved abit. Shes just hanging out a LOT with me this year ( great )
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: CrazyDaffodilLady on November 29, 2012, 10:40:10 AM
It's a great idea to institute a policy that suggestions must be submitted in writing for review. It gives you the perfect reply whenever she starts on you, and I'll bet that most of the time she won't be willing to write up her demands suggestions.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: Eden on November 29, 2012, 10:52:31 AM
I think there is absolutely a big difference between managing employees and managing volunteers.

I'm clearly terrible at expressing myself because I don't disagree with this either. Volunteer or not, this woman has no business providing that direction to you and definitely not in the manner she is. Addressing it straightforward without reference to you volunteer status, is I think the best approach. A formal process really sounds like a great solution. Sounds like you're on the right track.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: RegionMom on November 29, 2012, 06:08:19 PM
I agree that volunteering is a lot different, and should be admired and respected and thanked, not heaped on with criticism!

When I was working with a huge production for children's choir, as an assistant volunteer to the head volunteer, you would not believe the complaints from parents!  Fusses about attendance/rehearsal restrictions to perform, staging, sign-ups for other help, etc...
and the BEST diffuser line she used was,
"Yes, I see your frustration.  Would you like to volunteer to help, as I am also jsut a volunteer, and am donating all this time and effort to help your child?  I could always use another volunteer like me to help me out, the head volunteer!  I signed up to volunteer through the church music office.  Would you like to walk with me over there while I carry these supplies and we can talk it over with the music minister, who helps coordinate the parent volunteers after his day job at the church?"

The parent would sputter and sometimes even apologize.  They thought she was on staff somehow, and therefore it was ok to fuss and abuse and complain.  But somehow, they did not want to fuss at the music minister...

I know the person here knows that OP is a volunteer, but perhaps she thinks there is an extra benefit to the OP (resume builder, politics, who knows) that makes her think that she can be so bossy. 
Document, review, stick to the plans laid out, document, and keep us informed on e-hell!
 ;)



Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: SPuck on November 29, 2012, 09:38:09 PM
You didn't swear, you didn't yell, you didn't grunt, you didn't growl, you didn't gesture. Your fine.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: Raintree on November 29, 2012, 10:44:29 PM
When I was working with a huge production for children's choir, as an assistant volunteer to the head volunteer, you would not believe the complaints from parents!  Fusses about attendance/rehearsal restrictions to perform, staging, sign-ups for other help, etc...
and the BEST diffuser line she used was,
"Yes, I see your frustration.  Would you like to volunteer to help, as I am also jsut a volunteer, and am donating all this time and effort to help your child?  I could always use another volunteer like me to help me out, the head volunteer!  I signed up to volunteer through the church music office.  Would you like to walk with me over there while I carry these supplies and we can talk it over with the music minister, who helps coordinate the parent volunteers after his day job at the church?"

Reminds me of a club I'm part of. A fellow took time out of his own life to put together a Product for all members to enjoy, for free. I am sure he put in a lot of hours of his own time, with no financial compensation, so that other members could enjoy Product. A group email was going around to announce that the Product was finished, and members could pick them up at the next meeting. A photo of the Product was included in this email. One member emailed everyone back to say, "I thought the Product was supposed to be like this? Why is it like that?"

The volunteer asked her if she'd like to take over Product duty next year. She shut up.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: strawbabies on November 30, 2012, 07:14:28 AM
If she's not your direct supervisor over your volunteer work, she needs to not be talking to you about this at all.  If she has suggestions, she can contact the person who is, and see what they think.  If they agree, they can come to you and see if changes are feasible. 

Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: Eden on November 30, 2012, 09:12:59 AM
I agree that volunteering is a lot different, and should be admired and respected and thanked
I agree with this.

When I was working with a huge production for children's choir, as an assistant volunteer to the head volunteer, you would not believe the complaints from parents!  Fusses about attendance/rehearsal restrictions to perform, staging, sign-ups for other help, etc...
and the BEST diffuser line she used was,
"Yes, I see your frustration.  Would you like to volunteer to help, as I am also jsut a volunteer, and am donating all this time and effort to help your child?  I could always use another volunteer like me to help me out, the head volunteer!  I signed up to volunteer through the church music office.  Would you like to walk with me over there while I carry these supplies and we can talk it over with the music minister, who helps coordinate the parent volunteers after his day job at the church?"

But I really find that response dismissive and laced with martyrdom. Now, I do absolutely understand that a lot of the fuss from the parents was probably OTT and unwarranted. But would a legitimate concern be met with the same response? Should a parent not be able to raise a concern because they are not a volunteer? That is really the heart of my concern. Volunteers are wonderful, generous people. But it IS okay to ask that things be done a certain way. In the case of the OP the person asking was not in a position to do so. But in general I can't get behind the idea that a volunteer should be immune to being asked to do something differently just because they are donating their time.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: bah12 on November 30, 2012, 09:43:58 AM
Again, I have to agree with Eden.  While volunteering is different than paid work, I don't think it necessarily means that others can't make suggestions, air legitimate complaints, or ask that work be done a certain way.  As long as these things are done with respect, by someone in a position do so, volunteers don't get automatic passes to never be told what to do.

What a volunteer can do differently than a paid employee is say "Look, I only have X amount of time to give to this effort and I am only able to do certain things.  If you need this done, I'm afraid you're going to have to look elsewhere." 

But really statements like "I'm a volunteer, why don't you become one too" or "Do it yourself" are dismissive.  And they aren't good responses even when someone is being overbearing and pushy (understandable, maybe...but not good).   In the case of the OP, she has a legitimate reason to be frustrated...and she has a good case for speaking with the boss about the behavior of this woman.  But she has that case even if she was a paid employee.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: camlan on November 30, 2012, 03:01:37 PM
Well, I've been a volunteer. Yes, it is permissible for people to question things.

But when you are trying to plan a dinner, say, for all the volunteers at your parish, and you are volunteering to plan said dinner, it is indeed frustrating when all you hear are questions and complaints. Frankly, most of the questions are really complaints.

The day and time of the dinner are questioned, the menu is questioned, the location is questioned. All by multiple people, multiple times. It doesn't matter if you choose paper plates for ease of clean-up or china dishes to save the environment--that choice, and you have to make that choice at some point--will be questioned. You can have 4 different entree choices, taking into consideration vegans, vegetarians, the most common medical conditions and allergies and still people will tell you that you have made all the wrong choices.

They will nit-pick the difference between boiled potatoes and baked potatoes, green beans and peas, thin and thick crust pizza. "Oh, why are you having peas? I hate peas!" when there are three other vegetables to choose from, plus salad, plus four entrees, two choices of potatoes, rice, pasta and rolls. No one is going home hungry, even if they hate peas.

It is amazing how otherwise nice and kind people turn into total nit-pickers the second there is a free dinner for them. At some point, when you are planing an event for 100 people, not everyone is going to get their first choice for date, time, location, menu and ecological soundness. And from my experience, you do not get compliments, only complaints.

A serious complaint, like there are peanuts in 75% of the dishes being served? Yes, that deserves consideration. A whine about how we should start an hour earlier so that everyone can get home on time to catch Survivor? Does not deserve the same degree of concern.

Questions are fine. Questions that are really thinly disguised complaints are not. Maybe the answer is for the questions and complaints to be raised only with the paid employees and not the volunteers.

And it would be nice, once in a while, to hear a "Thank you" instead of "Why on earth are you doing X?"
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: Raintree on December 01, 2012, 02:11:16 PM
Well, I've been a volunteer. Yes, it is permissible for people to question things.

But when you are trying to plan a dinner, say, for all the volunteers at your parish, and you are volunteering to plan said dinner, it is indeed frustrating when all you hear are questions and complaints. Frankly, most of the questions are really complaints.

The day and time of the dinner are questioned, the menu is questioned, the location is questioned. All by multiple people, multiple times. It doesn't matter if you choose paper plates for ease of clean-up or china dishes to save the environment--that choice, and you have to make that choice at some point--will be questioned. You can have 4 different entree choices, taking into consideration vegans, vegetarians, the most common medical conditions and allergies and still people will tell you that you have made all the wrong choices.

They will nit-pick the difference between boiled potatoes and baked potatoes, green beans and peas, thin and thick crust pizza. "Oh, why are you having peas? I hate peas!" when there are three other vegetables to choose from, plus salad, plus four entrees, two choices of potatoes, rice, pasta and rolls. No one is going home hungry, even if they hate peas.

It is amazing how otherwise nice and kind people turn into total nit-pickers the second there is a free dinner for them. At some point, when you are planing an event for 100 people, not everyone is going to get their first choice for date, time, location, menu and ecological soundness. And from my experience, you do not get compliments, only complaints.

A serious complaint, like there are peanuts in 75% of the dishes being served? Yes, that deserves consideration. A whine about how we should start an hour earlier so that everyone can get home on time to catch Survivor? Does not deserve the same degree of concern.

Questions are fine. Questions that are really thinly disguised complaints are not. Maybe the answer is for the questions and complaints to be raised only with the paid employees and not the volunteers.

And it would be nice, once in a while, to hear a "Thank you" instead of "Why on earth are you doing X?"

Wow. It would not make me want to sign up to volunteer a second time, it really wouldn't.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: camlan on December 01, 2012, 02:51:16 PM
Well, I've been a volunteer. Yes, it is permissible for people to question things.

But when you are trying to plan a dinner, say, for all the volunteers at your parish, and you are volunteering to plan said dinner, it is indeed frustrating when all you hear are questions and complaints. Frankly, most of the questions are really complaints.

The day and time of the dinner are questioned, the menu is questioned, the location is questioned. All by multiple people, multiple times. It doesn't matter if you choose paper plates for ease of clean-up or china dishes to save the environment--that choice, and you have to make that choice at some point--will be questioned. You can have 4 different entree choices, taking into consideration vegans, vegetarians, the most common medical conditions and allergies and still people will tell you that you have made all the wrong choices.

They will nit-pick the difference between boiled potatoes and baked potatoes, green beans and peas, thin and thick crust pizza. "Oh, why are you having peas? I hate peas!" when there are three other vegetables to choose from, plus salad, plus four entrees, two choices of potatoes, rice, pasta and rolls. No one is going home hungry, even if they hate peas.

It is amazing how otherwise nice and kind people turn into total nit-pickers the second there is a free dinner for them. At some point, when you are planing an event for 100 people, not everyone is going to get their first choice for date, time, location, menu and ecological soundness. And from my experience, you do not get compliments, only complaints.

A serious complaint, like there are peanuts in 75% of the dishes being served? Yes, that deserves consideration. A whine about how we should start an hour earlier so that everyone can get home on time to catch Survivor? Does not deserve the same degree of concern.

Questions are fine. Questions that are really thinly disguised complaints are not. Maybe the answer is for the questions and complaints to be raised only with the paid employees and not the volunteers.

And it would be nice, once in a while, to hear a "Thank you" instead of "Why on earth are you doing X?"

Wow. It would not make me want to sign up to volunteer a second time, it really wouldn't.

I think the questions/complaints/suggestions the OP is getting about the database are similar to the questions I was getting. And the questions that RegionMom and her fellow volunteer were getting about the children's choir. Not about food, obviously, but the same level of questioning of small details and micromanagement. It can be extremely frustrating to be working on something where you have limited time and a limited budget and you are volunteering your time and everyone else just keeps wanting to change every single little detail. And I bet with the children's choir there were "questions" about why Susie is getting the solo and not Sarah, and how come my kid is in the back row where his grandparents won't be able to see him, and I have to leave the concert early for a work meeting so please have the number with my child in it first. I personally would not want to go within 100 yards of that particular minefield.

Yes, each question/complaint/suggestion might be valid in and of itself. But, volunteer or paid employee, there's only so much back-seat-driving a person can take. I can pretty much guarantee that if one of the parish priests had been in charge of the dinner, he'd have gotten less than 10% of the questions/complaints that I got.

For the OP, I think the best thing is to refer the database "suggestions" to the paid person who is technically in charge of the database. Just stop the conversation before it starts. "Complaining Woman, that's a neat idea. You'll have to run it by Sam, though. I'm not the person to talk to about it."
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone and was rude to them
Post by: POF on December 01, 2012, 05:20:00 PM
Well - here;s the update. I have tried and tried to manage the relationship with Dee.  I am helping another person with a project. Lisa and I are the leads and we report ot the planning committee.  ( I am on the planning committee ) .  Dee has a role which intersects with ours. Dee has been at me for the last three days over nonsense.  I am not doing things correctly ... blah blah blah. A lot of what we do is very subjective. We are preparing XMAS baskets / gifts. What you might choose to put in a gift may be different than what I choose - but as long as we are within the parameters ( broad one ) - we are fine.

Dee started with me again today and finally - came in , yelled at me .. and proceeded to act in a really uncool way.  I was asking for clarification on something and she said I TOLD YOU THIS 3 TIMES ALREADY AND put her hand in my face.

I packed up my stuff, resigned from the organization and went home.  I don't need it.  It's been a pattern of behavior and other high ranking officers try to smooth it out.  I left in a professional way. I am very well liked by the other volunteers and I just said...   oh .. something unexpected came up, bye.  My eyes were red because I had been crying - due to stress / frustration and being told off like that.

So - I spoke with the president and committee, I sent a fromal letter of resignation which entailed the behaviors that were problematic for me.  One other volunteer witnessed it and was horrified.

My husband and I contribute substantial dollars to the XMAS project, fundraiser but not this year. My husband also takes on a some time consuming work for the organiziation and he will not be participating either.

The board is aware of and by their lack of action is condoning the bullying behavior.  I am just done.  Now - I am going to organize all my data files and everything and write up a process manual so that my predecessor won't have to start from scratch .

I've been crying on and off for the last couple of hours. I have put a lot of my life into the goals of the group. I was on the board at one time, but due to a health issue came off.  I am constantly invited to return.  But - its volunteer work - I do it for fun...... 

I did handle it very professionally today. Thanks everyone.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45
Post by: LeveeWoman on December 01, 2012, 05:39:21 PM
(((((POF)))))

I'm so very sorry.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45
Post by: I'mnotinsane on December 01, 2012, 05:39:43 PM
It is a shame you felt the need to quit but at least you went out on a high note.  That will leave you the option of returning if the situation improves and you are still willing.

((((POF))))
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45
Post by: Isisnin on December 01, 2012, 05:45:02 PM
(((POF))) !!!

I'm so sorry to hear that she put you through that. You handled it very well and admirably.  Particularly sending the board a letter detailing the problematic behaviors.  I hope they finally figure out a way to handle Dee so the group doesn't continue to suffer.

and please now try to relax and take care of yourself.   
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45
Post by: yokozbornak on December 01, 2012, 05:54:42 PM
That's just terrible, POF!  I don't blame you for walking out.  The organization will continue to lose good people as long as they choose to allow Dee to act that way.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45
Post by: EmmaJ. on December 01, 2012, 06:24:41 PM
Oh no, I cannot believe her behavior.  What an utter boor.  I hope the organization comes to its senses and ousts HER and begs you to return.

Does/did she ever actually do any productive work?  Good grief.

Big hugs to you.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45
Post by: BarensMom on December 01, 2012, 07:46:17 PM
What did the president and committee say when you told them you were resigning because of Dee's behavior?

What horrid behavior on the part of someone who should know better.  You're better off out of there.  Oh, yes, big hugs and Baren kisses to you.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45
Post by: doodlemor on December 01, 2012, 08:11:53 PM
I'm so relieved for you, POF.  You don't need all of the extra stress caused by difficult people at a volunteer job.  Perhaps you can have a more relaxed Christmas now.  Big wassail filled hugs to you!

I think that what you did is actually to the long term benefit of the organization.  They will be losing quality volunteers unless the Dees and Circus Monkeys are shut down.  Someone needs to have the authority, integrity, and the pair to do this.

I suspect that they will want you back.  If you decide to go back I think that you should have strict conditions both in your specific situations, and in the fact that this kind of thing needs to be addressed in the bylaws.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45
Post by: cheyne on December 01, 2012, 08:43:41 PM
((POF))

You and your DH have given your time, talent and treasure to an organization.  I applaud you for what you have done.  Take some time to "grieve" your loss, and then you can look around and see if there is another organization that you would be willing to volunteer for.  There are so many out there that can use a hand.

There is a problem in some charities where the board or people in charge don't want to confront a troublemaker.  Sometimes it takes good people leaving to make them aware that this is a huge issue.  A charity is like the rest of life, normal people are expected to "let things go" or "be the bigger person" so the powers-that-be don't have to do anything about the troublemaker/bully
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45
Post by: weeblewobble on December 01, 2012, 09:14:32 PM
I don't blame you for resigning.  I'm sorry your efforts were rewarded with hostility combined with apathy.  Perhaps the board will understand now that they can't just shrug helplessly in the face of Dee's bad behavior and do nothing so they can avoid confrontation.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45
Post by: POF on December 01, 2012, 09:44:31 PM
Thank you so much.

I feel such a wide range of emotions, I do grieve the loss - I've been very friendly with a lot of the other volunteers - usually within the context of the organization and I did not say goodbye to them.  I also love the work we do - and the XMAS project is the big drive and I look forward to it every year.

I also feel angry, that this happened this afternoon, I left in tears ( I am NOT a crier )and I sent in a resignation email.  No one even responded to the email about sorry, we will miss you, even we understand etc.  NOT a PEEP.  They probably want to digest it - but I've worked with these people a long time, a simple acknowledgement would have been nice.

And I feel relief.  its changed so much with Circus Monkey and Dee over the last several years, that it was more of a problem than it was worth.  I gladly sacrificed a lot of time during XMAS to help our clients.  Right now I am looking at a whole in my life .. but I will find ways to fill it fast.

DH has been wonderful, he knows what it meant to me and he saw me stress out this year and then cry today. So I will take the time to spend with him and the boys and do more at church.

Itsd an opportunity to look for another volunteer organization.  Community Service is important to me. I have a lot to offer and i am sure that my efforts would be appreciated by another non profit.

I feel guilty becasue I did leave them in a lurch. But that is their own fault for not dealing with situations. I also have to admit, that maybe they thought I was more trouble than I was worth. 

But what's done is done and I left in a professional way.  Even if they beg me to come back - I won't while the circus monkey and Dee are around.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45
Post by: gramma dishes on December 01, 2012, 09:56:13 PM
...    I sent in a resignation email.  No one even responded to the email about sorry, we will miss you, even we understand etc.  NOT a PEEP.  ...

I'm sure that your sudden resignation took them quite by surprise and they really may have been scrambling trying to digest exactly what had just taken place and agonizing over how to handle it.  I would be very surprised if you don't hear something from them soon.  It may not be exactly what you'd like most to hear, but I think they will express at least some degree of concern and sadness that they've lost you.

I think maybe you gave them the kick in the rear end they needed to realize that the behavior of certain people does indeed have consequences.   You've stuck with them all these years, despite the harassment, so I think they just assumed you'd stick around forever.  You surprised them.

You DO have a lot to offer.  I'd start looking for a different organization that will be a little more appreciative of your many hours of effort.  Someplace else deserves you.  This place did not.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45
Post by: Isisnin on December 01, 2012, 10:06:30 PM
......

I also feel angry, that this happened this afternoon, I left in tears ( I am NOT a crier )and I sent in a resignation email.  No one even responded to the email about sorry, we will miss you, even we understand etc.  NOT a PEEP.  They probably want to digest it - but I've worked with these people a long time, a simple acknowledgement would have been nice.

.....  Right now I am looking at a whole in my life .. but I will find ways to fill it fast.

DH has been wonderful, he knows what it meant to me and he saw me stress out this year and then cry today. So I will take the time to spend with him and the boys and do more at church.

Itsd an opportunity to look for another volunteer organization.  Community Service is important to me. I have a lot to offer and i am sure that my efforts would be appreciated by another non profit.

I feel guilty becasue I did leave them in a lurch. But that is their own fault for not dealing with situations. I also have to admit, that maybe they thought I was more trouble than I was worth. 

But what's done is done and I left in a professional way.  Even if they beg me to come back - I won't while the circus monkey and Dee are around.

Perhaps they haven't responded yet as they're in shock.  And they are probably embarrassed that their actions, or non-actions, led to losing you. 

enjoy your family and the holidays.  Plenty of time next year to lend your talent to a new-to-you non-profit!!
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45
Post by: Bijou on December 01, 2012, 10:13:57 PM
POF,
You tried to resolve the issue but met with no help at all.  I don't blame you for resigning and hope they listen, finally, to what you were trying to tell them about the problems there.  What a shame and a loss for them.  Maybe this Dee...no, all of them... will take a good look at themselves and evaluate their part in the loss of a valuable team member.  (Two, counting your husband).
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45
Post by: doodlemor on December 01, 2012, 10:23:17 PM
I think that the board is probably in shock, and I bet that the emails/phone calls are flowing fast and furiously tonight.  It wouldn't surprise me at all if they have to call a special meeting to deal with the situation.

I suspect that the board members are extremely upset about losing you, and want to consider any response to you very carefully.  The last thing they probably want at this stage is to make matters any worse.

You need to think of yourself here.   You have gone out of your way to deal with some very difficult people.  No one needs that in a volunteer job.

Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45
Post by: MyFamily on December 01, 2012, 10:44:32 PM
Speaking as a board member who was on a board that got an email like yours, but with very different circumstances (I've mentioned my situation where one person ran everything, and basically, she quit when she didn't get something very specific she wanted, but which the board felt was not in the best interest of the organization in the long-run), the board is going nuts right now.  Emails and phone calls are flying, and they are busy trying to figure out who will speak to you and what to say; who will speak to Dee and what to say; and yes, they are trying to figure out how to replace you because they know you may be gone and they still have a major project to deal with.  There are going to be some angry board members - you left, for good reason, but at a bad time, and they will be upset about that, so the emails are going to be flying.  If you don't hear from them in about a week, just wash your hands of them and walk away knowing you are better without them in your life.  I do think you'd be correct in contacting your friends and letting them know you've resigned from the organization, but would still like to be friends with them.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45
Post by: POF on December 02, 2012, 04:01:40 PM
Small update ...

I sent an email to a board member I am friendly with. She knew nothing about it.... so my issue is not going to be addressed to the board.

I heard from one of the committee members - and she thanked me for my service and is sorry I am leaving. I
I only heard from the chair of the XMAS project when she needed to ask a question about the work I left and then she expressed sorrow that I had decided to leave.
My responses were polite but formal. I pointed out that  Idid not choose to leave but that I believed I was pushed out by targeted bullying from a board member.   I told them I was very grieved and it was difficult to explain to my 2 teens why they would not be helping with the Santa project this year. 

So - my assumption is that there are no consequences for the board member and I do not think I will hear anything else from them. 

I wanted two things.  A thank you from the president , and an apology from the president recognizing the bad treatment and acknowledging that it should not have happened.

My DH is really angry that no one got back to me - and only the chair when she wanted something.

It hurt to be treated this way.  But for me it is a good lesson to have gone through. 

So - instead if putting in crazy volunteer hours, I am decorating, baking cookies and doing some extra gym time.  I went XMAS shopping with DH and made beef tips and gravy and applesauce for dinner.

A door slammed shut, but I'll find something else to do.

POF

THANK ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR KINDNESS AND SUPPORT. I am sure that I was to blame in part for the fracas. I ask questions, I do not accept authority blindly. I take suggestions, but Dee was not in charge of my area - so I felt free to question her - not in an insubordinate way, but hey .... we are not putting pink puppies on all the baskets - did that change  ( especially when what she was telling me was completely different than what we had agreed to in the planning meetings )

Hopefully, I can let just be doen with it.

POF

Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: EmmaJ. on December 02, 2012, 04:10:10 PM
I am so disappointed in the board, their inaction on losing a valuable volunteer, their lack of direction, communication, and management.

More big hugs coming your way - I am so sorry you were treated this way.  But your resolve to find another cause to volunteer with is so admirable.  What a good example you are for your children.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: JenJay on December 02, 2012, 04:20:53 PM
I'm sorry that it played out the way it did. I can't help but think, though, that you've probably ultimately saved yourself a lot of stress and frustration. At least now you've got the next few weeks to enjoy your own holiday preparation.  :-\
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: MyFamily on December 02, 2012, 06:47:53 PM
Wow, that is just not nice.  I'm sorry that the board is led by someone who is easily controlled by her.  I hope the organization can survive Dee.  I wonder if others will follow you?
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: yokozbornak on December 02, 2012, 08:08:42 PM
I think you will eventually be relieved to be away from such a toxic organization.  I believe that volunteer work should be a blessing, not a burden.  The bullying that you endured and the dysfunctional board has made this a burden for you.  There will be other opportunities to serve where you will be treated with respect so wait for that opportunity to show itself.

Also, don't feel like you have to answer work related questions.  If someone calls to ask you how something needs to be done, I would tell them that you are no longer volunteering  and that they should refer their questions to someone else.  I don't say that to be harsh, but the board members need to feel the consequences of their actions and if you continue to help, they will not get the full effect of what they have done.  Also, I think it's okay to be direct about why you are no longer volunteering. 
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: POF on December 02, 2012, 08:14:35 PM
Great points   i only answered a question about where the back up flash drive was and the status of a few open items  i am boxing up all the stuff i have at my house and will drop off tomorrow  I said to my busband the same thing sbout consewuences  If they feel no pain  why would they change
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: FauxFoodist on December 02, 2012, 11:35:54 PM
Great points   i only answered a question about where the back up flash drive was and the status of a few open items  i am boxing up all the stuff i have at my house and will drop off tomorrow  I said to my busband the same thing sbout consewuences  If they feel no pain  why would they change

I have to admit that when you posted you were going to put something together for your successor, I thought, "Please don't; they should really feel what happens when they let bullies go unchecked." (or did I just mix this up with another thread?)
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: weeblewobble on December 03, 2012, 05:57:13 AM
Great points   i only answered a question about where the back up flash drive was and the status of a few open items  i am boxing up all the stuff i have at my house and will drop off tomorrow  I said to my busband the same thing sbout consewuences  If they feel no pain  why would they change

I have to admit that when you posted you were going to put something together for your successor, I thought, "Please don't; they should really feel what happens when they let bullies go unchecked." (or did I just mix this up with another thread?)

I do agree with this.  It's like enabling.  The board is addicted to passively accepting Dee's bullying behavior and in denial as to whether that behavior affects the organization. As long as people work to cushion them from the fall/aftermath of Dee's behavior, they won't recognize how bad it is and that it reflects badly on the organization.

I am sorry the response has been so bland.  I am hoping that the board just hasn't had time to talk to each other and get their plan together.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: BarensMom on December 03, 2012, 08:14:54 AM
Great points   i only answered a question about where the back up flash drive was and the status of a few open items  i am boxing up all the stuff i have at my house and will drop off tomorrow  I said to my busband the same thing sbout consewuences  If they feel no pain  why would they change

I have to admit that when you posted you were going to put something together for your successor, I thought, "Please don't; they should really feel what happens when they let bullies go unchecked." (or did I just mix this up with another thread?)

I do agree with this.  It's like enabling.  The board is addicted to passively accepting Dee's bullying behavior and in denial as to whether that behavior affects the organization. As long as people work to cushion them from the fall/aftermath of Dee's behavior, they won't recognize how bad it is and that it reflects badly on the organization.

I am sorry the response has been so bland.  I am hoping that the board just hasn't had time to talk to each other and get their plan together.

Jumping on board with this.  Return only the items that belong to the organization.  Do not give them any of your notes, supplies, manuals, or anything purchased with your own money or effort.

I envision the next volunteer assigned to deal with the database will leave also.  In fact,  I think there will be an ant trail of volunteers leaving, as Dee will probably bully anyone assigned to that database.

I would also use my social contacts to spread the word that this charity allows bullying and harassment of its volunteers.  Since they let Dee get away with it, the board and the charity are just as guilty.  Think of it as a public service.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: POF on December 03, 2012, 08:35:28 AM
They lost significant dollars this week as well.  DH and I typically donate $1,000 at the annual fundraiser.   

I had my work and a few business colleagues ready to sponsor about $1,500

DH's work matches our contribution - $1,000

I work tirelessly to manage contacts and raise funds.

I have advised all of these organizations and colleagues to direct their giving to a local shelter for battered women and children.

DH and I are the type people that we will see a need and fill it.... They needed a vacuum. We found someone willing to give us the old one and we payed to have it overhauled ( becasue the board would have spent 6 weeks arguing about it and then complaining ).  I need offcie supplies - I just buy them myself.  We snagged free shelving and office furniture from a store that was remodeling ( talked to the store manager first ! ). 

Dee talks a big show, but does little practical work. So yeah ..... there will be consequences.

After XMAS .... I am loading off the database

I spoke to a good friend who is on the board and she did say there were a lot of emails and conversations. The incident was WITNESSED by the way. But  the problem is that the organization is so unorganized and badly run.... ( everyone is a chief and thinks they get to say how EVERYTHING works ) ... that I am doen with it even if they kick Dee off and beg me to come back.  I told them repeatedly of the issue and they knew about it. 

Here's to a drama free holiday season
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: Winterlight on December 03, 2012, 08:36:54 AM
I'm nthing the others. Don't make up a manual for the next person. The board allowed you to be forced out- you owe them nothing, certainly not extra time and effort.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: POF on December 03, 2012, 08:39:51 AM
Yep - DH persuaded me not to do that.  I know it will cause issues for a friend of mine, but she will need to deal with it ti the best of her ability.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: Eden on December 03, 2012, 09:01:27 AM
That stinks, POF. I'm so sorry you were driven to leave.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: sourwolf on December 03, 2012, 09:11:19 AM
What a crummy situation.  I agree with everyone else, they deserve nothing but what they gave you to work with.  Hand that back and nothing more.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: Otterpop on December 03, 2012, 11:21:19 AM
Sorry you had this experience POF.  It sounds like what was once a healthy, vibrant committee has now been commandeered by a diva, bully, parasite.  These types of people latch onto a good organization and ruin it with their self-centered power grabs.  Happens all too often and if not dealt with, the wheels eventually come off. 

You did the right thing by pulling out and pulling your support as well.  I'll bet they feel it, but don't know what to say.  (You were valued but the atmosphere has gone screwy).  Their loss, I suspect there will be more losses soon.  The diva never stops, just latches onto the next person to chase away.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: Bijou on December 03, 2012, 11:42:11 AM
I think you will eventually be relieved to be away from such a toxic organization.  I believe that volunteer work should be a blessing, not a burden.  The bullying that you endured and the dysfunctional board has made this a burden for you.  There will be other opportunities to serve where you will be treated with respect so wait for that opportunity to show itself.

Also, don't feel like you have to answer work related questions.  If someone calls to ask you how something needs to be done, I would tell them that you are no longer volunteering  and that they should refer their questions to someone else.  I don't say that to be harsh, but the board members need to feel the consequences of their actions and if you continue to help, they will not get the full effect of what they have done.  Also, I think it's okay to be direct about why you are no longer volunteering.
And quite honestly, the powers that be in that organization may want it done differently than the OP had been doing it.  Not to say she was doing it wrong, but procedures do change.  On that basis alone I would not answer questions.  I would say. "I am no longer volunteering in that capacity and you need to direct your question to someone within the organization." 
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: bopper on December 03, 2012, 01:28:11 PM
Yep - DH persuaded me not to do that.  I know it will cause issues for a friend of mine, but she will need to deal with it ti the best of her ability.

Evilbopper says to tell them: "Ask Dee. She seems to know everything about databases."


Also this seems like the third post I have seen recently about how to deal with toxic bullying group members.  It seems like it takes multiple people to stand up to the bully/narcissist to be effective. 

Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: doodlemor on December 03, 2012, 01:41:32 PM
Evilbopper says to tell them: "Ask Dee. She seems to know everything about databases."

My thoughts exactly.  Perhaps Circus Monkey could give an opinion also - I bet that she would be delighted to do so.

I'm glad that you sound a bit brighter about the whole situation today, POF.  These people are beyond ridiculous.  You have been put through the wringer because of your kind heart. 

I think that you should relax and enjoy this Christmas.   In the new year you can look around very carefully before you get involved in your next volunteer gig.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: POF on December 03, 2012, 02:23:35 PM
Yes I am planning to enjoy myself I took today off as a personal day and I decorated the house, made cookies and did some XMAS shopping.

I was really sad - shocked mostly, the hatred and venom this women spewed out at me was really crazy. This had nothing to do with the databases, it was about some other aspect of the project.

RE the database work. When I started volunteering - I kept my technical background under wraps - I was volunteering ro do fun stuff: run fundraisers, ,make food baskets, etc.  However they got something so messed up with their computer system it would  have taken $$$$ to fix - so I offered to fix it.

The database work I do now annually is no fun, it involves updating a database with close to 2,000 records utilizing volunteers and creating mailing lists, shopping lists etc.  The work is way below what I do professionally ( definitely within my skill set though ) - but it isn't fun.  No one else will touch it and I am always asked every year to manage this part.  Service is not always about the fun stuff, at some point somone has to do grunt work .... so I did it.

I would be more than happy to give it up and I am very happy now.  I had a very nice, fun group of volunteers who helped me do the scut work from  a grandma ,a disabled gentleman and a couple hip 25 year old we had a lot of fun and laughs and always got the work done.

I offered to help another volunteer lead because her section involved some PC work and she had a lot on her plate personally  she and I get along really well and she was happy I was helping her.  Dee semed to just target in on me for whatever reason. 

But - THANK YOU ALL FOR LISTENING... IT HELPS ME PROCESS. 

I am polite but formal / cold to the leadership, I am not helping them out - it needs to be painful.  And of course ... Dee and Circus Monkey know EVERYTHING and should be able to figure it out.

So - All things happen for a reason, I have really looked at my conduct to see if I was at fault or provoked it ..... but I do not honestly think I did.  Even if the powers that be wanted me to work on something else or wanted me to go sweep up trash - there is a way to redirect volunteers.  I've had to do it ... you say Sally .... you are so good at sorting pink and blue ponies, would you be willing to do that this year and let Jane answer phones ? and you go from there.

Hopefully drama has ended ... I run the risk of being a drama llama for XMAS.

My cookies are done ... they are M & M 's - you may each have one before dinner  ;D

Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: Isisnin on December 03, 2012, 03:18:29 PM
M&M cookies my favorites!  Yummers!!  How did you know??

Happy, Happy Holidays, POF!
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: boxy on December 04, 2012, 09:23:48 AM
I'm glad you took a stand and quit.  No one should abuse you like that!  May you have a peaceful and meaningful Christmas. 
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: POF on December 04, 2012, 10:04:38 AM
I sent all the data over last night and said that's it, I believe I tied up all my loose ends.  Get a message back from my supposed friend the chairman of the committee... Oh this is sooooo complicated ( why yes it is ) ... and even if you are not helping out, I am sure you will come and walk me all through this in 10 months time.

I want to respond very rudely, but in this case the silence will be deafening.  I am being used.  Really, I get bullied out, no response from the board - but I am going to help you figure it all out next year. I am really not that desperate for friends and especially this kind of falsity.

Its called consequences people .

Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: Miss Unleaded on December 04, 2012, 10:12:05 AM
Wow, that's some nerve.   :o

I am sorry it turned out this way, but I do commend you for holding firm and not giving in.  I agree with PPs, they need to feel the consequences of their inaction.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: JenJay on December 04, 2012, 10:17:04 AM
When the time comes it'll be the "I'm sorry, that won't be possible." heard 'round the world!  ;D
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: Outdoor Girl on December 04, 2012, 10:18:34 AM
I'd be tempted to reply with something along the lines of:  'In 10 months time, I expect to be volunteering with an organization that better appreciates what I can offer them.  I will not be available to your organization.  Please do not contact me again.  Best of luck.'  Keeping the  >:D to yourself, of course.   ;)
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: MrTango on December 04, 2012, 10:36:18 AM
POF, now that you've sent a resignation letter communicating that you are leaving and why, I think your silent approach is best.  I wouldn't respond to any further messages from anyone at the organization.

If you start to feel too guilty about deleting their messages, you might consider marking them as spam and let the filters in your email software take care of the messages for you.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: weeblewobble on December 04, 2012, 10:51:29 AM
I sent all the data over last night and said that's it, I believe I tied up all my loose ends.  Get a message back from my supposed friend the chairman of the committee... Oh this is sooooo complicated ( why yes it is ) ... and even if you are not helping out, I am sure you will come and walk me all through this in 10 months time.

I want to respond very rudely, but in this case the silence will be deafening.  I am being used.  Really, I get bullied out, no response from the board - but I am going to help you figure it all out next year. I am really not that desperate for friends and especially this kind of falsity.

Its called consequences people .

I wonder if it would be better to respond now with a quick, "I'm afraid that won't be possible."

1) It prevents the organization from being left in the lurch next year.

2) It doesn't allow the board to stay in denial and pretend that there will be no consequences from your leaving or for allowing Dee to continue to behave as she does.

3) It prevents you from being sucked back in to helping them next year, when you may have had time to calm down and your (totally appropriate and deserved) indignation gives way to missing the work you did for the organization and being willing to help. 

Let them feel the consequences now, before they can paint it with a big denial-ly brush of their choosing.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: BarensMom on December 04, 2012, 10:52:03 AM
I would reply to that person, "I will not be available for further assistance.  I am moving on and am finished with (Charity)."
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: Tabby Uprising on December 04, 2012, 10:57:16 AM
"I will put forth the same effort into assisting you as you put into addressing my concerns with Bully."

I'm so sorry, POF.  I've read through this thread and stories like this are a kick in the gut.  You sound like a brilliant volunteer and I'm sorry you had to endure such shoddy treatment from the organization.  Take care of yourself!
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: Sophia on December 04, 2012, 11:05:12 AM
"I will put forth the same effort into assisting you as you put into addressing my concerns with Bully."

I'm so sorry, POF.  I've read through this thread and stories like this are a kick in the gut.  You sound like a brilliant volunteer and I'm sorry you had to endure such shoddy treatment from the organization.  Take care of yourself!

I like this.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: weeblewobble on December 04, 2012, 11:05:46 AM
"I will put forth the same effort into assisting you as you put into addressing my concerns with Bully."

I'm so sorry, POF.  I've read through this thread and stories like this are a kick in the gut.  You sound like a brilliant volunteer and I'm sorry you had to endure such shoddy treatment from the organization.  Take care of yourself!

Yup.  This made me smile.  I don't know if it would work out, but I like it.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: EMuir on December 04, 2012, 11:25:39 AM
I am so glad you are taking care of yourself.  I volunteer for an organization that is the only one of its type in my city, and I've had to deal with my share of the crazy folk.  I had to set out for myself what would be my "line in the sand" for quitting, and luckily they've never crossed it. It keeps me sane to know I can quit when I really need to. 

I hope you can find another organization that is not so crazymaking!
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: Queen of Clubs on December 04, 2012, 11:29:17 AM
I sent all the data over last night and said that's it, I believe I tied up all my loose ends.  Get a message back from my supposed friend the chairman of the committee... Oh this is sooooo complicated ( why yes it is ) ... and even if you are not helping out, I am sure you will come and walk me all through this in 10 months time.

I want to respond very rudely, but in this case the silence will be deafening.  I am being used.  Really, I get bullied out, no response from the board - but I am going to help you figure it all out next year. I am really not that desperate for friends and especially this kind of falsity.

Its called consequences people .

I wonder if it would be better to respond now with a quick, "I'm afraid that won't be possible."

1) It prevents the organization from being left in the lurch next year.

2) It doesn't allow the board to stay in denial and pretend that there will be no consequences from your leaving or for allowing Dee to continue to behave as she does.

3) It prevents you from being sucked back in to helping them next year, when you may have had time to calm down and your (totally appropriate and deserved) indignation gives way to missing the work you did for the organization and being willing to help. 

Let them feel the consequences now, before they can paint it with a big denial-ly brush of their choosing.

I agree with weeblewobble.  That way, they can't come back to you in 10 months' time and protest "but you said you'd help out!"  I know you haven't said you will help them, POF, but that I am sure you will come and walk me all through this in 10 months time means they're going to think you've agreed unless you actually tell them "no, I won't".

I'd be tempted to reply "I'm sure Dee can sort it all out for you."

I hope you find an organisation that will appreciate you and your abilities, POF.  I think everyone would agree this organisation doesn't.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: Stormtreader on December 04, 2012, 11:40:53 AM
"Given the terms on which I've been forced to leave I dont feel that any further assistance to [charity] from me is appropriate"
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: Sheila Take a Bow on December 04, 2012, 11:43:33 AM
I wonder if it would be better to respond now with a quick, "I'm afraid that won't be possible."

1) It prevents the organization from being left in the lurch next year.

2) It doesn't allow the board to stay in denial and pretend that there will be no consequences from your leaving or for allowing Dee to continue to behave as she does.

3) It prevents you from being sucked back in to helping them next year, when you may have had time to calm down and your (totally appropriate and deserved) indignation gives way to missing the work you did for the organization and being willing to help. 

Let them feel the consequences now, before they can paint it with a big denial-ly brush of their choosing.

I agree. I think you should let them know now that you've washed your hands of the organization.  Don't let yourself get dragged into an argument, just make sure that you explicitly tell them that you aren't helping them in the future.

Remind your "friend" that you have resigned, and that means that you are no longer available to assist with any of the organization's business.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: Bijou on December 04, 2012, 11:48:04 AM
I would want to close that last door (the one pried open by the board member who thinks you will come back to help them in ten months).  I would simply say, "You need to address your questions now and in ten months to someone within the organization."
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: doodlemor on December 04, 2012, 12:32:10 PM
I'm on the fence about contacting them again right now.  I suspect that they will be after you in 10 months whether you contact them now or not.

I think that you should practice for next October saying lightly, without obvious snark, something like.........

"I'm afraid that will not be possible.  But you'll be fine.  Much of that unpleasantness from last year was because Dee wanted me to change midstream, and do the task her way.  This will give her a chance to start at the beginning and have things the way that she wants them to be."
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: POF on December 04, 2012, 12:36:50 PM
I sent an email out that said given what happened its best for me to make a clean break. I also mentioned that by coming back to help I would be condoning my own mistreatment and that I would be setting a very poor example to my sons. I would in essence say that I accepted this mistreatment and did not have the guts to stand up for myself.

I am sure my "friend" will not be a friend anymore, but I do not care.  ( My Dh sort of thinks she is a user anyway )

I deleted all the emails today and I will archive off the data files.  ( I can't bring myself to actually delete them ... yet ..... just a Finance IT thing. )

I am not letting anyone off the hook or making it easy for anyone.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: jedikaiti on December 04, 2012, 12:37:13 PM
"I will put forth the same effort into assisting you as you put into addressing my concerns with Bully."

I'm so sorry, POF.  I've read through this thread and stories like this are a kick in the gut.  You sound like a brilliant volunteer and I'm sorry you had to endure such shoddy treatment from the organization.  Take care of yourself!

Yup.  This made me smile.  I don't know if it would work out, but I like it.

Likewise. That might be a smidge PA, though, so perhaps "I am afraid I cannot guarantee my availability so far out, as I plan to begin volunteering for another group as soon as possible."
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: doodlemor on December 04, 2012, 01:01:11 PM
..... just a Finance IT thing. )
 

Does this non-profit make enough that they have to file the non-profit income tax form?  If so, they will need some expertise before May 15.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: Sheila Take a Bow on December 04, 2012, 01:04:51 PM
I sent an email out that said given what happened its best for me to make a clean break. I also mentioned that by coming back to help I would be condoning my own mistreatment and that I would be setting a very poor example to my sons. I would in essence say that I accepted this mistreatment and did not have the guts to stand up for myself.

I am sure my "friend" will not be a friend anymore, but I do not care.  ( My Dh sort of thinks she is a user anyway )

I deleted all the emails today and I will archive off the data files.  ( I can't bring myself to actually delete them ... yet ..... just a Finance IT thing. )

I am not letting anyone off the hook or making it easy for anyone.

I think this is a great update.

I'm sure you'll find another organization that will value all the work you do.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: guihong on December 04, 2012, 02:41:46 PM
I sent an email out that said given what happened its best for me to make a clean break. I also mentioned that by coming back to help I would be condoning my own mistreatment and that I would be setting a very poor example to my sons. I would in essence say that I accepted this mistreatment and did not have the guts to stand up for myself.

I am sure my "friend" will not be a friend anymore, but I do not care.  ( My Dh sort of thinks she is a user anyway )

I deleted all the emails today and I will archive off the data files.  ( I can't bring myself to actually delete them ... yet ..... just a Finance IT thing. )

I am not letting anyone off the hook or making it easy for anyone.

POF, I think you were the poster who spent (still spending?) a year with a trainer, strengthening your body?  I think you strengthened your spine as well.  You're an asset to any organization, volunteer or paid, and I'm sorry that these chumps couldn't see that.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: bopper on December 04, 2012, 03:59:21 PM
Quote
I sent all the data over last night and said that's it, I believe I tied up all my loose ends.  Get a message back from my supposed friend the chairman of the committee... Oh this is sooooo complicated ( why yes it is ) ... and even if you are not helping out, I am sure you will come and walk me all through this in 10 months time.


Chairman,

It was apparent to me that you all valued Dee's input on the databases over my expertise when no one on the board publically supported me when she was verbally attacking me.  In that light, I will no longer be available for technical consulting.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: Marisol on December 04, 2012, 04:02:47 PM
They would have been much smarter to apologize if they expect to ask more from you over the next year.  If they wanted your help in adjusting to being without you, they should have made some kind of acknowledgment. 
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: Deetee on December 04, 2012, 04:12:15 PM
I think (but please correct me) that if the Chairman and others had contacted you and thanked you for all your previous hard work and acknowledged your leaving and apologized for how you were treated, you would have been more receptive to easing out of your role and helping to train someone else.

However, the method of dealing with your leaving is similiar to how they are dealing with (or not dealing with) Dee. They really want to ignore things and hope they will go away and likely hope things will simmer down after the holidays.

Go Spine Go! And I hope you enjoy all the spare time you can devote to more appreciative people.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: POF on December 04, 2012, 05:55:57 PM
I think (but please correct me) that if the Chairman and others had contacted you and thanked you for all your previous hard work and acknowledged your leaving and apologized for how you were treated, you would have been more receptive to easing out of your role and helping to train someone else.

However, the method of dealing with your leaving is similiar to how they are dealing with (or not dealing with) Dee. They really want to ignore things and hope they will go away and likely hope things will simmer down after the holidays.

Go Spine Go! And I hope you enjoy all the spare time you can devote to more appreciative people.

You nailed it, a bunch of lets " write it off to girl fights " and not confront it. Frankly, I did leave instructions ( I had created a process manual last year ) and I have shown other people how to use it.  If I was leaving over a disagreement, or because I was just tired of the whole thing - I would have transitioned over or even a tiff with another voluntter.  But  I was verbally attacked BY A BOARD MEMBER _ who had been causing lots of issues, aggressive demeaning language was used and I left in tears.  THEY HAVE NOT EVEN SPOKEN TO HER ABOUT IT.  My DH who is very mild mannered is insisting that I do not help them at all.

Volunteers are not disposable.  They fail to realize how valuable donor and volunteer goodwill is to an non for profit.  So it feels good to shine up my spine.  if they kick Dee and the circus monkey out --- then I will at least transition some stuff next year.  But as I said in my email ... maybe Dee should spend some long winter evenings with the database.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: Bijou on December 04, 2012, 08:19:48 PM
I sent an email out that said given what happened its best for me to make a clean break. I also mentioned that by coming back to help I would be condoning my own mistreatment and that I would be setting a very poor example to my sons. I would in essence say that I accepted this mistreatment and did not have the guts to stand up for myself.

I am sure my "friend" will not be a friend anymore, but I do not care.  ( My Dh sort of thinks she is a user anyway )

I deleted all the emails today and I will archive off the data files.  ( I can't bring myself to actually delete them ... yet ..... just a Finance IT thing. )

I am not letting anyone off the hook or making it easy for anyone.
Your email could not have been more perfect.  Wonderful response!
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: Bijou on December 04, 2012, 08:24:59 PM
I think (but please correct me) that if the Chairman and others had contacted you and thanked you for all your previous hard work and acknowledged your leaving and apologized for how you were treated, you would have been more receptive to easing out of your role and helping to train someone else.

However, the method of dealing with your leaving is similiar to how they are dealing with (or not dealing with) Dee. They really want to ignore things and hope they will go away and likely hope things will simmer down after the holidays.

Go Spine Go! And I hope you enjoy all the spare time you can devote to more appreciative people.

You nailed it, a bunch of lets " write it off to girl fights " and not confront it. Frankly, I did leave instructions ( I had created a process manual last year ) and I have shown other people how to use it.  If I was leaving over a disagreement, or because I was just tired of the whole thing - I would have transitioned over or even a tiff with another voluntter.  But  I was verbally attacked BY A BOARD MEMBER _ who had been causing lots of issues, aggressive demeaning language was used and I left in tears.  THEY HAVE NOT EVEN SPOKEN TO HER ABOUT IT.  My DH who is very mild mannered is insisting that I do not help them at all.

Volunteers are not disposable.  They fail to realize how valuable donor and volunteer goodwill is to an non for profit.  So it feels good to shine up my spine.  if they kick Dee and the circus monkey out --- then I will at least transition some stuff next year.  But as I said in my email ... maybe Dee should spend some long winter evenings with the database.
There are the two people who were making your life miserable and your job hard to do, and then there were the people who let you down when you went to them for help.  So, you had two problems. 
In fact, I'm not sure which is the more serious and insurmountable of the two.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: RegionMom on December 04, 2012, 08:50:58 PM
If Dee and circus monkey were reprimanded and dropped, would you go back? 
I think your answer needs to be NO. 

You gave lots, you donated time and talent and more than a tithe.  You said good-bye. 

Enjoy this Christmas and choose wisely how to donate next year.  A new year, a new perspective, a new start!

Merry Christmas, full of peaceful blessings!
 
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: eltf177 on December 05, 2012, 05:28:26 AM
I am polite but formal / cold to the leadership, I am not helping them out - it needs to be painful.  And of course ... Dee and Circus Monkey know EVERYTHING and should be able to figure it out.

I'm glad to hear you won't be wasting any personal time trying to help these two out. They created the situation, let them figure their way out of it! The same goes for upper level management for not doing anything in the first place, why should you help them either?
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: Winterlight on December 05, 2012, 12:43:05 PM
I sent an email out that said given what happened its best for me to make a clean break. I also mentioned that by coming back to help I would be condoning my own mistreatment and that I would be setting a very poor example to my sons. I would in essence say that I accepted this mistreatment and did not have the guts to stand up for myself.

I am sure my "friend" will not be a friend anymore, but I do not care.  ( My Dh sort of thinks she is a user anyway )

I deleted all the emails today and I will archive off the data files.  ( I can't bring myself to actually delete them ... yet ..... just a Finance IT thing. )

I am not letting anyone off the hook or making it easy for anyone.

Glad to hear it!

I think the best thing to do at this point is block them and ignore. Do not respond to them at all. A final letter only works if that's your last word.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: BeagleMommy on December 05, 2012, 02:25:20 PM
POF, I have visions of Dee 10 months from now whining "Well, I didn't know it would be this haaaarrrrrrdddd to change the database.  POF always did it so easily."

You deserve a peaceful holiday.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: CharlieBraun on December 05, 2012, 06:29:51 PM
Volunteers are not disposable. 

An amazing statement that should be emblazoned in the sky.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: eltf177 on December 06, 2012, 07:44:59 AM
Volunteers are not disposable. 

An amazing statement that should be emblazoned in the sky.

And part of the motto of any organization that relies on volunteers!
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: POF on December 06, 2012, 09:29:08 AM
See - the thing with volunteers is that they will donate, recruit more volunteers, and will talk positively and align themselves with the goals of your organization. They are a valuable resource.

The old chestnut that if someone is happy they will tell one person, if someone is unhappy they will tell seven is true.

I have been very professional and discreet about my leaving.  I know that there is a lot of chatter at the volunteer center.  I was very well liked because ... I treated other volunteers as valued assets of the organization. I said please and thank you.  I was genuinely appreciative of all efforts.  If someone did something wrong, no big deal - we fixed it. It's not like there was a kidney in a cooler going to a transplant.

But what if I were vindicative... what if I got on Facebook and just said bad things.... because you know there are people who would have.

Most businesses - even if they are not at fault will send you a generic ... sorry our services not up to par, please give us an opportunity to make it better.

The board was very stupid not to have made some attempt ( even if they didn't really mean it )  to let me know that this treatment wasn't right.

 I did finally get a sorry you won't be with us email from the president and I said .. While its all well and good to say you will miss me what is missing is an acknowledgement or apology that how I was treated was wrong. Therefore, I have to assume that you condone this behavior or that you believe whatever spin Dee put on the episode.  No reply needed- I've moved on

And I have, I did not realize what a burden this toxic group had become. It was truly a blessing in disguise. I also saw first hand how words hurt and how even tough people can be blindsided.  Hard lesson, but important. I believe that I came out of this a better and stronger person.



Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: boxy on December 06, 2012, 09:40:25 AM
See - the thing with volunteers is that they will donate, recruit more volunteers, and will talk positively and align themselves with the goals of your organization. They are a valuable resource.

The old chestnut that if someone is happy they will tell one person, if someone is unhappy they will tell seven is true.

*snip*

Yes!  Yes!  Yes!!

Dearest OP, I'm so glad you have responded the way you have.  No one should treat a volunteer like crap.  You just don't do it because what you wrote is so true.  Volunteers can be the best and most cost effective form of advertising and growth for an organization!  Volunteers are an amazing resource. 

I volunteer and your story is a reminder to me, as an occasional leader, to double check how I treat those that are in my work group.   Actually, it's a reminder to me that even when I'm not "in charge" for the day to be sure and treat the other volunteers with respect. 

This is such a good thread.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: LeveeWoman on December 06, 2012, 09:46:51 AM
I did finally get a sorry you won't be with us email from the president and I said .. While its all well and good to say you will miss me what is missing is an acknowledgement or apology that how I was treated was wrong. Therefore, I have to assume that you condone this behavior or that you believe whatever spin Dee put on the episode.  No reply needed- I've moved on

I would hope that this would lead to some soul-searching by the president, but from the way she's acted so far I doubt it will.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: Shoo on December 06, 2012, 09:55:48 AM
I did finally get a sorry you won't be with us email from the president and I said .. While its all well and good to say you will miss me what is missing is an acknowledgement or apology that how I was treated was wrong. Therefore, I have to assume that you condone this behavior or that you believe whatever spin Dee put on the episode.  No reply needed- I've moved on

I would hope that this would lead to some soul-searching by the president, but from the way she's acted so far I doubt it will.

Me too.  I'm really glad you included this in your message to her.  I think it's important for 1) you to say it, and 2) her to hear it.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: Sophia on December 06, 2012, 11:46:17 AM
Many people think that things are worth what they cost.  Volunteers aren't paid.  Therefore they aren't valued. 
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: Outdoor Girl on December 07, 2012, 10:30:18 PM
This is called 'A Volunteer's Prayer'.  My Dad can recite it from memory and does every year at the luncheon thanking all the Meals on Wheels volunteers in his town.  It has a slightly religious overtone but I hope it is OK.  I don't know who to attribute it to.

I thank Thee, Lord as a volunteer
For the chance to serve another year.
And to give of myself in some small way,
To those not blessed as I each day.

My thanks for health and mind and soul,
To aid me ever toward my goal.
For eyes to see the good in all,
A hand to extend before a fall.
for legs to go where the need is great,
Learning to love - forgetting to hate.
For ears to hear and heart to care,
When someone's cross is hard to bear.
A smile to show my affection true,
With energy aplenty - the task to do.

And all I ask, dear Lord, if I may,
Is to serve you better day by day.

A tribute to all the volunteers on this board and off.   :)
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned update # 45 small update #61
Post by: Lady Eboshi on December 08, 2012, 06:23:45 AM
Many people think that things are worth what they cost.  Volunteers aren't paid.  Therefore they aren't valued.

This should be framed and hung on every volunteer groups' walls.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned # 45 update #61 and #121
Post by: POF on January 24, 2013, 06:28:25 AM
I've heard nothing through the grapevine about the situation at my volunteer organization.  I did hear at one point it was going to be brought to tthe board, but I figured that did not happen.

My so called friends never touched base with me at all since it happened and as my DH said ... yiou have to let it go.

Apparently, however - someone sent my resignation letter to the chair committee to another board member. He's the founder of the group and he and I always worked well together. He was completely appalled and called an emergency executive board meeting... I know this because for some reason - I was on the email lists and saw the exchanges.  The whackaloon was very indignant and wrote that there were two sides to every story and that I was not doing a good job and got upset because she corrected me.   I then replied back and said .. Just so you know .. I am on the list, I appreciate the board looking at this .. BUT  I do not understand why it was hidden for 6 months.  I then asked to be off all email lists and that I had moved on etc.

My stomach was in knots when I read the emails - so I am glad that I am just out of the whole thing.  I will find out however through my sources what happens at the executive meeting.  I am sure my character will be torn apart and it will be .. oh she deserved it and we are glad she is gone.

It fries my keister .. that my so called friends did NOTHING about it.  Oh well, glad I found out how false they are.



Modified because I can not use my cell phone ANY MORE to type replies .... sorry for the horrific mistakes.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned # 45 update #61 and #121
Post by: CharlieBraun on January 24, 2013, 06:59:57 AM
I wish I was near you so I could take you out for a cup of coffee.

You did an extraordinary job under thankless circumstances.  The person who drove you away is too small of soul to realize her shortcomings, and the board (as a collective) too cowed to step up.

Frankly, if those people go on a "POF is so very *whatever*", then I think that speaks for itself.  One is known by the quality of one's enemies.  If good and honorable people hold you in low regard, then it's time for self examination.  But if this group/collective, led about by this small-souled person, hold you in low regard, then please know that it matters little to none.

Thank you for all that you did for this group.  And I dearly wish that all volunteers had the genuine caring strength to do real and positive change which you have exhibited (as opposed to the odd combination of ego boost, pettiness, and cowardice being shown by this group/collective.)
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned # 45 update #61 and #121
Post by: POF on January 24, 2013, 07:52:11 AM
I wish I was near you so I could take you out for a cup of coffee.

You did an extraordinary job under thankless circumstances.  The person who drove you away is too small of soul to realize her shortcomings, and the board (as a collective) too cowed to step up.

Frankly, if those people go on a "POF is so very *whatever*", then I think that speaks for itself.  One is known by the quality of one's enemies.  If good and honorable people hold you in low regard, then it's time for self examination.  But if this group/collective, led about by this small-souled person, hold you in low regard, then please know that it matters little to none.

Thank you for all that you did for this group.  And I dearly wish that all volunteers had the genuine caring strength to do real and positive change which you have exhibited (as opposed to the odd combination of ego boost, pettiness, and cowardice being shown by this group/collective.)

Thank you,
I live smack dab on the boundaries of two towns.  There is a separate group for the other town that does a similar project.  The president of that group is working on my husband and I to join up with them.  That president is like, once we heard what happened - we were going to call you the next day. I helped them out a few years ago when they had a big problem with some system issues.

You do find out who your friends are.  Good news - I just received a MAJOR promotion at work, for I job I though I might qualify for in 2 years ( when my boss retires ) .  The executives at our large company told me that they wanted to grow me into the position and offered me the job.  I guess I am not so incompetent after all :)

Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned # 45 update #61 and #121
Post by: Winterlight on January 24, 2013, 08:47:26 AM
Congratulations!
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned # 45 update #61 and #121
Post by: Jaelle on January 24, 2013, 09:16:33 AM
Congratulations!

One is known by the quality of one's enemies.  If good and honorable people hold you in low regard, then it's time for self examination.  But if this group/collective, led about by this small-souled person, hold you in low regard, then please know that it matters little to none.

Wise words. I've held this very principle close when going through some tough times, and it helped bring DH back from the pit of despair when he was let go from his dream job for ridiculous reasons (and so the boss could hire his golfing buddy). 
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned # 45 update #61 and #121
Post by: Miss March on January 24, 2013, 09:25:57 AM
Wow. I can't imagine how you must have felt when that showed up in your in-box after all this time.

How unprofessional for them to mistakenly be cc-ing emails to someone after they have resigned, and how achingly embarrassing for them that these same emails were discussing the resignation of that person! There is egg on their face here.

You, however, rose above. I think you showed a lot of poise here.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned # 45 update #61 and #121
Post by: BarensMom on January 24, 2013, 06:25:28 PM
POF, don't worry about them trashing your reputation.  The simple fact that the president of the other organization is trying to recruit you speaks volumes.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned # 45 update #61 and #121
Post by: Beyond The Veil on January 24, 2013, 07:38:59 PM
I just want to tell you that I have been in a similar situation in the past few months where so-called "friends" never lifted a finger when a person was saying the most vile, disgusting things you could ever say to another human being right before them. I really found out who my real friends were that day and after the incident.

Here's to hoping we both move on, and can work out those knots in our stomach! To peace.  ;D
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned # 45 update #61 and #121
Post by: Twik on January 25, 2013, 08:24:01 AM
I then replied back and said .. Just so you know .. I am on the list....

Would have loved to be a fly on the wall to see their faces as they realized, "Oh, yeah, she still is...."
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned # 45 update #61 and #121
Post by: weeblewobble on January 25, 2013, 10:59:56 AM
I have a feeling the board will find out just how 'badly POF was messing up the database' in a year or so after other members get a hold of it and make whackaloon's suggested changes.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned # 45 update #61 and #121
Post by: chibichan on January 25, 2013, 08:07:05 PM
Congratulations on the promotion POF ! Well deserved I should say .

As for the rest - drop that bag of garbage at the dump where it belongs and drive on . The only thing you should take from this experience is a mighty lesson for your children . There is treatment in life that you do not have to tolerate .
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned # 45 update #61 and #121
Post by: CrazyDaffodilLady on January 25, 2013, 09:52:47 PM
POF, Iíve been in a similar scenario, although not as bad.  You contribute your time and effort for a cause you believe in, and you know youíve done a great job that benefited the cause, but youíre treated like your contribution has no value.

Your DH is right that youíll have to let it go, but first you need to grieve.  You had to give up something you loved and believed in, in order to protect yourself,  Itís reasonable to feel sad, betrayed, and angry.
Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned # 45 update #61 and #121
Post by: Margo on January 29, 2013, 06:23:22 AM
Congratulations on your promotion.

It's good to know that someone is finally taking this seriously, such a shame it took so long. It sounds as though you have been very reasonable, and professional, all along. It sounds as though you were right to get out when you did, and I admire you for not letting yourself get dragged back into this mess again.

Title: Re: I am confessing I snapped at someone - I resigned # 45 update #61 and #121
Post by: quackmunch on January 29, 2013, 08:06:48 AM
POF, I've just read your whole thread and I think you handled the entire situation with poise and dignity.  I'm sorry you had to go through it though.

Congratulations on your promotion!